Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

^ 

[Biggus Dickus]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

This is funny, but I have to say I would do likewise as either the Scotsman or the Irishman. I can't see not drinking  a good beer simply because there was a fly was in it.

Englishman are odd.

[Icarus]

Teen aged blond is out of school in summer. She thinks it a good idea to earn some money. After some indecision she decides to hire out as a handy person. She begins knocking on doors in the wealthy part of town. A man answers the door and hears her pitch to do home cleaning or other chores. He says the porch needs to be painted, how much would you charge for that job? She says $50. He says OK, the paint and the brushes are there in the garage.

Back inside, the man tells his wife that the porch is being painted for $50. She says that he is taking unfair advantage of the worker because the porch reaches all the way around the house and that the job is worth much more than $50. He says a deal is a deal.

Two hours pass, Blond knocks on the door announcing that the job is finished. Impressed with the speed of the job the man ponies up the fifty bucks. Blond says that the first coat of paint used only half the paint and that she applied the rest of it for a second coat. Walking away, she turns and says: By the way it is a Lexus not a Porche.

[Tank]

[Biggus Dickus]

Boooooooooooooooooooo

[Asmodean]

Boooooooooooooooooooo

Yes, boo.  Although that last facial expression is faintly reminiscent of what The Asmo has commissioned for His portrait for when Luxembourg falls before Him. 

[Biggus Dickus]

A husband and wife purchased a new computer for their home, and as they were finished getting it set up in their home office the last thing they needed to do was enter a new password for the computer.

With a bit of bravado, and a wink at his wife the husband typed in the word: MyPenis

A few seconds later the wife bursts out laughing and nearly falls out of her chair in a fit of laughter, the husbands looks at her and say's , "What is so funny?"

She points at the computer screen, still laughing and says, "It has the same problem with your penis as I do!"

The husband turns to the computer screen and notices a dialog window that reads:
TOO SHORT, ACCESS DENIED

[Tank]

[joeactor]

Door Hinge?

[Tank]

[OldGit]

^ Excellent.  I shall steal it forthwith.

[Biggus Dickus]

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a brothel for sex..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"




Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "I'm so sorry to hear that Nancy, but it's so nice of you to bury your little fish in the garden, but isn't that an awfully big hole for a goldfish?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "It's a big hole because he's inside your fucking kat."



A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.' The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?' The

little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died. 'Holy **** ' thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

[Pasta Chick]

[Guardian85]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

[OldGit]

^  

A man went to Harley Street in London , having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist Assistant. Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and  asked the secretary for details.
She retrieved the file and read to him:"This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all  unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.
Then she told him "The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen "
"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is located?"
"No" she answered, " but that's where the end of the queue is."