Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Icarus]

^ Ram in the Bush has other than xtian connotations for dirty old men like me and Git.

That brings to mind the old expression; "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".  That is true only if you need extra doses of Viagra.

[Buddy]

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

[Guardian85]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

[Crow]

They are some small feet for such a big guy.

[OldGit]

The trouble with putting the clocks forward in England - you have to move all the stone circles forward one place.

[Pasta Chick]

^ Ram in the Bush has other than xtian connotations for dirty old men like me and Git.

That brings to mind the old expression; "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".  That is true only if you need extra doses of Viagra.

That brings to mind This Book, which is wholly, completely, NSFW in any way. 

I swear I have legit, totally non-sexual reasons for Knowing about that.

But I'd totally read it anyway.

[Icarus]

^ I love this forum because we can talk about damned near anything.

[Lee]

This is not a case where, "many hands make quick work" but more of a "slow and steady wins the race". 

[OldGit]

[Biggus Dickus]

[Pasta Chick]

Stoned cop calls 911 because he "ODed on weed and time is moving really slow and he thinks he's dead."

[OldGit]

[Icarus]

PC the video was hilarious.

OG you are a bad man to post such stuff.....That's why you are among my several favorites.

[Biggus Dickus]

Stoned cop calls 911 because he "ODed on weed and time is moving really slow and he thinks he's dead."

This was a Dearborn cop which is where I live.

As funny as the 911 call is, along with the clip PC posted this event upset a lot of people here because the officer in question was allowed to resign from the police force even after admitting he took marijuana, and possibly other drugs from criminal suspects for his own use. Neither he or his wife were charged or have been prosecuted even though the wife also admitted taking cocaine from his squad car on another occasion and ingesting it.

Here is a tape of a news team who can't keep from laughing while reporting the story, along with article.

No charges have ever been filed against this guy, and since he resigned without incident he could be re-hired at a later date, or apply for a position with another city police force.

[Lee]

Stoned cop calls 911 because he "ODed on weed and time is moving really slow and he thinks he's dead."

This was a Dearborn cop which is where I live.

As funny as the 911 call is, along with the clip PC posted this event upset a lot of people here because the officer in question was allowed to resign from the police force even after admitting he took marijuana, and possibly other drugs from criminal suspects for his own use. Neither he or his wife were charged or have been prosecuted even though the wife also admitted taking cocaine from his squad car on another occasion and ingesting it.

Here is a tape of a news team who can't keep from laughing while reporting the story, along with article.

No charges have ever been filed against this guy, and since he resigned without incident he could be re-hired at a later date, or apply for a position with another city police force.

That is so wrong.