Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Magdalena]

Why hasn't Asmo surprised all of us with a gift under our chairs? That's what I want to know.

Asmo this, Asmo that..!  

Do you have any idea how long it has been since He was properly appeased last? HM?!  

Wait, are you asking if we have any idea of how long it's been since The Asmo was, well...just appeased?
Or, are you asking if we have any idea of how long it's been since The Asmo was properly appeased? ???

[Tom62]

Here is a very practical New Age Bullshit Generator for those of us who wants to sell a New Age product or service  .

[joeactor]

Here is a very practical New Age Bullshit Generator for those of us who wants to sell a New Age product or service  .

+10 (gotta use that somewhere...)

[OldGit]

One sees so many of these random text generators -  I even wrote one or two myself, years ago.  However, this one is really excellent and produces believable text.  The best I've seen.

[Asmodean]

Hm! 

[OldGit]

MY NEW UROLOGIST

As  men age, we start seeing more of the medical world,  which
nowadays seems to include an  increasing number of women as our
physicians and therapists.  And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist.  I saw her  yesterday, and she's  absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She  said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

[joeactor]

MY NEW UROLOGIST

As  men age, we start seeing more of the medical world,  which
nowadays seems to include an  increasing number of women as our
physicians and therapists.  And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist.  I saw her  yesterday, and she's  absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She  said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Hah! You Dirty Old Git!

[Asmodean]

MY NEW UROLOGIST

As  men age, we start seeing more of the medical world,  which
nowadays seems to include an  increasing number of women as our
physicians and therapists.  And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist.  I saw her  yesterday, and she's  absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She  said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Git may be dirty, blasphemous and just wrong, but this doesn't displease The Asmo. 

[Biggus Dickus]

MY NEW UROLOGIST

As  men age, we start seeing more of the medical world,  which
nowadays seems to include an  increasing number of women as our
physicians and therapists.  And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist.  I saw her  yesterday, and she's  absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She  said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

I say three cheers for the OldestGit, and his being able to still "Git" it up. Hooray
(Good joke by the way)

[OldGit]

Thank you, Sir Bruno.

[Tank]

Pam Ayres Ode to 50 Shades of Grey (To be read in a west country accent!)

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view)*

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

[Magdalena]

^^

[Tom62]

^ROFL

[Guardian85]

TOP TEN SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE LINES IN THE STAR WARS TRILOGY

STAR WARS

10."Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care how it smells!"

9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."

6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

4. "Sorry about the mess..."

3. "Look at the size of that thing!"

2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

10."I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

7. "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."

6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."

5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"

3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

RETURN OF THE JEDI

10."Hey, point that thing someplace else."

9. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."

8. "I never knew I had it in me."

7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."

6. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping-hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it... Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."

5. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me-now I owe you one."

4. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"

3. "She's gonna blow!"

2. "I think you'll fit in nicely."

1. "Rise, my friend."

But of course, the best is saved for last (from Star Wars): "Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!

[OldGit]

A SIMPLE GUIDE TO WASHING-MACHINE SYMBOLS