Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

Exactly, O Grey One.  And you should take it out of the tea chest before dispensing.  Don't worry, some of these Murrikins are quite ingenious; give 'em another couple of centuries and they'll get it.

[Asmodean]

...So how many years will it take for the US-made components in The Asmo's Opels to be as good as the German-made ones, you think? He's been waiting for that for a long, long time. 

[Guardian85]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

I don't get it... How does stock trading help do that?  ???

IRS = tax collector.

[Asmodean]

No, it's an international retail service...

...Or are you being all American or some such..?

...You are!

Should have specified that it was the other IRS you were talking about then. 

[Essie Mae]

As for you Sir B, you're a Murrikin, so what do you know about tea?

Well, Missy Essie Mae, I know that typical English tea is usually too frothy, like it came from a vending machine, an old vending machine

Just kidding, both here and my joke below about the Twining Breakfast Tea

I love tea actually... grew up drinking Earl Grey. My parents were both coffee drinkers, and we were allowed to drink coffee as kids, but in the afternoon and evening my mother always made tea.
My Nana only drank tea, and was very strict with regards to how she prepared it and had a lovely, porcelin tea set including a tea stand which my oldest sister inherited.
When I would stay sometimes with her and my grandfather she would make such a fuss in the afternoon preparing tea for us, along with some wonderful snacks.
Grandpa insisted on coffee, though he would still sneak a snack or two.
She would make us sit in the front parlor to drink it, never in the kitchen. She said we needed a time in the day to relax and ease both our mind and bodies.
She said the best way to do this was with a nice cup of tea, and casual conversation.

The last thing my mother bought me before she died was a little tea caddy for my desk at work, which I still used to this day (It was a stocking stuffer at Christmas).
In fact I feel quite proud of introducing different teas to the office. When I first started working there all they had to drink were those dreadful Lipton Tea Bags, now we have a decent selection of black and green teas, both loose and bag.

When my daughter visits she'll either browse through my tins of tea, and pick one out for us to share a pot of or surprise me with something she's brought with her.

Maybe some day when I visit the UK we can go out for tea together?

I stand corrected. Dead posh you are. I never even heard of Earl Grey when I was growing up, and when I tried it, it tasted like bonfire ashes. (I do keep some in the larder though for a friend who drinks it). But I would be honoured to take tea with you sir, and you could pass on your grandmother's traditions.

[Icarus]

The Kiwis sometimes refer to tea as " a cuppa". Is that a common term for Brits as well?   

I often take tea rather than coffee. Twinings is my favorite brand but somehow I suspect that, though it claims to be British, it may be modified to suit someones idea of American taste preference.

That damned Chinese green tea that my wife brought back from her trip, is rotten tasting stuff.  Is it true that the premium varieties of tea comes from Ceylon? 

Uh Oh!....this is supposed to be the Jokes thread, someone derailed it.

[OldGit]

The Kiwis sometimes refer to tea as " a cuppa". Is that a common term for Brits as well? 

Yes, although I suspect it's confined to older people and is dying out.  Mrs Git and I call it "grumbleweed".

[Crow]

The Kiwis sometimes refer to tea as " a cuppa". Is that a common term for Brits as well? 

Yes, although I suspect it's confined to older people and is dying out.  Mrs Git and I call it "grumbleweed".

Up north it is quite common.

[Tank]

[Asmodean]

Private sector pays better, but shorter life expectancy. I'd go with government if I was even remotely interested in operating outside the law; plenty of countries out there with a good deal of government corruption.

[Guardian85]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair.  There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.  Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."  Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."  So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane."  Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down.  The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.  I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.  But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.  No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff."  Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

[Tank]

[Icarus]

I get an annoying number of those calls. I'm gonna try that just for fun.

[Pasta Chick]

A fellow dies and goes to heaven.

St Peter lets him through the pearly gates and he wanders round playing his harp and chatting to people. There are all sorts of people there, white, brown, yellow, women, men, young, old.

He is free to wander everywhere it seems, but on one side there is a high wall. Too high to see over.
It puzzles him so he asks St Peter what's going on, why is there a wall?

St. Peter says: "[shhhuuuuush] On the other side of the wall are the Catholics, they think they're the only ones here."

[OldGit]