Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Asmodean]

Yes, but did they use the mic as a sex toy? Hm?! Did they?!  

[OldGit]

[Essie Mae]

Hilarious!

[Biggus Dickus]

That's strange, by the look of it I thought it was a cup of "Twinings English Breakfast Tea". 

[The Queen]

That's strange, by the look of it I thought it was a cup of "Twinings English Breakfast Tea".  

Orf with his head.  Again.

[OldGit]

Robert Mugabe falls over.

[Biggus Dickus]

Once again in my life I found myself battling addiction, this time it wasn't alcohol or drugs,... but the "Hokey Pokey."

Fortunately I was able to "Turn Myself Around".

[Pasta Chick]

[Essie Mae]

Robert Mugabe falls over.

I really did laugh out loud. I liked the one with him on the back of Putin's horse best, but also the dance scene.

[Essie Mae]

As for you Sir B, you're a Murrikin, so what do you know about tea?

[Guardian85]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

[Biggus Dickus]

As for you Sir B, you're a Murrikin, so what do you know about tea?

Well, Missy Essie Mae, I know that typical English tea is usually too frothy, like it came from a vending machine, an old vending machine

Just kidding, both here and my joke below about the Twining Breakfast Tea

I love tea actually... grew up drinking Earl Grey. My parents were both coffee drinkers, and we were allowed to drink coffee as kids, but in the afternoon and evening my mother always made tea.
My Nana only drank tea, and was very strict with regards to how she prepared it and had a lovely, porcelin tea set including a tea stand which my oldest sister inherited.
When I would stay sometimes with her and my grandfather she would make such a fuss in the afternoon preparing tea for us, along with some wonderful snacks.
Grandpa insisted on coffee, though he would still sneak a snack or two.
She would make us sit in the front parlor to drink it, never in the kitchen. She said we needed a time in the day to relax and ease both our mind and bodies.
She said the best way to do this was with a nice cup of tea, and casual conversation.

The last thing my mother bought me before she died was a little tea caddy for my desk at work, which I still used to this day (It was a stocking stuffer at Christmas).
In fact I feel quite proud of introducing different teas to the office. When I first started working there all they had to drink were those dreadful Lipton Tea Bags, now we have a decent selection of black and green teas, both loose and bag.

When my daughter visits she'll either browse through my tins of tea, and pick one out for us to share a pot of or surprise me with something she's brought with her.

Maybe some day when I visit the UK we can go out for tea together?

[Asmodean]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

I don't get it... How does stock trading help do that?  ???

[OldGit]

On December 16, 1773 the Murrikins realised that tea was for putting into water.  Since then they have also found out (i) that you don't need as much water as there is in Boston Harbour, (ii) that it's better if the water is hot and (iii) that you don't absolutely have to dress up as a Red Indian to make it.

I'd say that's pretty good progress in 242 years; maybe now we Brits can teach them the finer points.

[Asmodean]

...Like tea being better with sugar in it than salt?