Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Biggus Dickus]

Speaking of farting (Thanks Essie )

So the other day my future son-in-law and I were out at the market buying produce, and we came across this lovely basket of "Sunchokes". He thought it would be a good idea to get some, as we could shred them and saut? them like hash browns for breakfast.
They turned out really good, and everyone liked them a lot as they went well with out breakfast on Saturday morning of eggs, bacon, avocado and tomatoes.

"Sunchokes"  are also commonly known as "Jerusalem artichokes", but some refer to them as "the Fartichoke".

Now I didn't really have any discomfort from these, neither did the future son-in-law (FSL), nor did my son or daughter. However, my wife really had an issue with these, as Saturday afternoon I received a text from her that read, " OMG, I have been farting all day long at work and can't stop, I'm so embarrassed".

We hadn't mentioned to her that Sunchokes can cause gas, needless to say she wasn't very happy with me for leaving that little detail out when we were having them for breakfast.

She's mad at me for this, even madder because I thought it was funny...but it's definitely worth being in trouble over!

[Tank]

[Tom62]

Q: What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.

[Tom62]

Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them. Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"

So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?" As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it... In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints... Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!" Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"

[Asmodean]

[Crow]

Q: What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.

Lol, so true.

[joeactor]

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

[Asmodean]

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Some of us are only too happy to get our hands dirty on occasion though.

[OldGit]

[Tom62]

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Probably from the same source:

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

[joeactor]

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Probably from the same source:

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q: How many support call center guys does it take to change a light bulb?

I'll need you to read me the serial number of the light bulb.
Have you tried turning it off and on?
Give me a few minutes while I research your issue.
Are you sure you didn't buy a dark bulb instead?
Let's find out if your bulb is still under warranty...

[Tank]

The laws of ultimate reality:

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre..

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[xSilverPhinx]

^ Good ones!

[Asmodean]

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Usually not, in my experience. In any case, what would be the problem with this if it were accurate?

[Guardian85]

A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."
The barman looks her up and down and says, "First off, it's bartender, not barfender. Second off, it's martini, not marhini. And third, you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray."