Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Essie Mae]

Bloody funny, (especially when I'd looked up proctologist).

[Magdalena]

That's funny Icarus! 
My favorite: 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

[OldGit]

Some of those are priceless, Icarus.  Over here there is a legendary radio comedy quiz show which does a round of those every week as "The Uxbridge English Dictionary".

Examples:
Manganese  A condition affecting the leg joints of Japanese comic artists.
Mastiff  A group of young men watching a porn film.
Rambling Tacky jewellery for sheep.
Denial  A river in Egypt.

For Essie May - Proctologist  A pain in the arse.

[Siz]

Bless you Barry Crier...

[Biggus Dickus]

Yesterday evening I started play in a new racquetball league, each match is a best of three. I playing against an opponent I hadn't played against before, in fact we had never met before last night.

I won the first game, and although the final score was 15-11, it wasn't as close a game as it would appear from the score. I knew I could beat him, but used the game to warm up and work on my soft serve.

After the first game we stepped outside the court to take a break, and since we didn't know each other we used the time to introduce ourselves to each other, which included talking about what line of work we are both in. Come to find out he is a lawyer.

So then went and played the second game, and I beat him 11-0, and as we came off the court you could see the sadness on his face as we took our seats outside the court, and he looked at me and said, "Jesus what the hell happened between the first and second game that you would give me such a thrashing, I thought after playing the first game that I had a chance to beat you and maybe even the score up a bit"?

I replied, "When we played the first game I didn't know you were a lawyer"!

[joeactor]

Some of those are priceless, Icarus.  Over here there is a legendary radio comedy quiz show which does a round of those every week as "The Uxbridge English Dictionary".

Examples:
Manganese  A condition affecting the leg joints of Japanese comic artists.
Mastiff  A group of young men watching a porn film.
Rambling Tacky jewellery for sheep.
Denial  A river in Egypt.

For Essie May - Proctologist  A pain in the arse.

Reminds me of Rich Hall's "Sniglets" (words that should be in the dictionary, but aren't)

My fave was "Cinemuck - n. The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters."

More are here:
http://bertc.com/subfour/truth/sniglets.htm

[Guardian85]

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

[Biggus Dickus]

^^Good One^^

So every year, for many years this group of guys go hunting in Michigan at the beginning of hunting season. One year about a week before they were to head up to deer camp one of the guys, whose name was Bob, told the other guys he wasn't going to be able to make it up to camp for hunting season that year.

The rest of the fellows couldn't believe it, "What they said, what do you mean you can't make it, you've made it up to hunting camp every year for the past 20 years, what the hell is going on Bob"?

"Well, said Bob, Things aren't going that well at home right now with the misses, and she's pretty adamant that I stay home with her this year rather than go hunting, it's either that or divorce".

So the week goes by, and the remaining group of buddies head north to their deer camp, somewhat dejectedly without their good friend Bob

However, to their surprise as they pull up to camp in the early morning hours, they find a nice warm fire going, and a large pot of strong hot coffee, with full platters of eggs, and bacon, along with a large cooler of cold beer, and a ready flask of George Dickle Whisky.

And there sitting by the fire happy as can be is their good buddy Bob.

"Bob" they exclaim, "What the hell are you doing here, we thought you had to stay home with the wife"?

"Well", said Bob, "Its a funny thing. I have to admit I wasn't none to happy about not being able to come up here with you fellows, and I was just moping around the house sad as can be, and the wife I guess she felt bad for me, so she said, "Bob, I really appreciate you staying home with me this time rather than going hunting with your friends so I went ahead and made you your favorite dinner, along with your favorite homemade apple pie".

"Well boys", said Bob, "I have to tell you that was about the best dinner and pie I ever had, and admit I was starting to feel better about staying home", and then the wife she brought out and poured me a glass of my favorite beer along with a shot of good whisky, put my feet up on the stool, removed my shoes and lit me a damn fine expensive cigar".

Some time later she goes and calls me out to our bedroom, and when I walk in I find she has literally covered the bed with the sweetest smelling rose petals you can imagine, while soft, romantic music is playing on the stereo, and there laying upon the bed, amongst the rose petals, dressed in the cutest, sexiest bit of lingerie I've ever laid my eyes upon is my darling wife, and I'm here to tell you fella's I don't think she ever looked any prettier, or sexier than she did right than at that time.

As I come over to the bed, an kneel beside it she pulls out these long, satin sashes and says' to me, "Now Bob why don't you go ahead and tie me to the bed you old rascally stud muffin". So I do, I tie both her hands and legs to the bedpost of the bed, and then she says to me in the sweetest, and sexiest voice I've ever heard, "Now go on and do what ever you want".

"So here I am"

[OldGit]

I like it!

[Tank]

[Sweetdeath]

I love it. 

[Icarus]

^ Me too.

[Sweetdeath]

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

I can't stop laughing at this.

[Tank]

[Sweetdeath]

Hah! ^