Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Magdalena]

If Jose wasn't there, who would be digging? My guess is the Project Manager. Who would be next?

[Crow]

If Jose wasn't there, who would be digging? My guess is the Project Manager. Who would be next?

A new Jose. The supervisor tells the project manager that Jose has done one, they will then talk to the HR manager and they will get their staff to get a replacement or give the go ahead for the project manger to get somebody they want.

[Magdalena]

...Or they could do this:

It takes nine men to do Jose's job? Wow!

[Icarus]

Might be more truth than poetry Mags.

[Magdalena]

Might be more truth than poetry Mags.

Yes, unfortunately.

[Biggus Dickus]

Some Far Side Strips to welcome the weekend with.










And my favorite....

[Guardian85]

[joeactor]

Thanks, Bruno!

Used to love the Farside.

Here's a few more:

[Biggus Dickus]

Thanks, Bruno!

Used to love the Farside.

Here's a few more:

Yeah, Gary Larson's always been a favorite of mine, and my friends. Years ago a group of us had a softball team, and the name of our team was the "Midvale Scholars".
Plus "Teathercat" should be a real thing.

(Have to look and see if I can find some pictures of our old softball team)

[Biggus Dickus]

Socorro (My wife) and I were talking last night about getting old, what with me turning fucking 50 earlier this week, and one comment she had was she really hopes I don't develop Alzheimer's one day.
But she said if god forbid I do at least she can look forward to telling me, "Honey I gave you one last night".

[jumbojak]

That's wicked Bruno!

[Guardian85]

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

[OldGit]

^

[Icarus]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.







Here are the winners:
-------------------------------------------------
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.(This one got extra credit)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:




1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish man.





 

[Biggus Dickus]

^^^^ ^^^^

Those are good Icky.

I think I want to become a Frisbeetarian, and maybe I can get Gerry to play with me?