Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

Good one!  Here's a real oldie which is quite similar:

A bloke is playing golf with the vicar; on the third he misses a really easy putt.  "Shit!  Missed the fucker!", he cries.

"Now, now, mind your language!" says the vicar.

On the fourth the bloke misses another easy one and shouts, "Bollocks!  Missed the bugger!"

The vicar reproves him more seriously, but two holes later he does it again.  "Fuck!  Missed the fucking thing again!"

"My son, if you continue to offend Our Lord with such filthy language, I shall ask him to send punishment upon you from Heaven."

But still, on the last hole the bloke does it yet again.  "Bollocks!  How many times can I miss the fucking thing?"

"Oh Lord, inasmuch as thine unworthy servant doth continually curse and swear, send Thou Thy lightning from above to chastise him."

Instantly a massive bolt of lightning falls and strikes the vicar, leaving only a small heap of ashes.  A deep voice booms from  on high, "SHIT! MISSED THE FUCKER!"

[Guardian85]

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day on the Jack Nicklaus course in Montana.
This course had a particularly difficult hole,
and Moses expressed his doubts that
Jesus could make the shot over the water.

"Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus.
"I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,
Golf Swing and if Arnold Palmer can do it,
then so can I."

Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try.
Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water.
Moses parted the water for Jesus,
who went in to retrieve his ball.

Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.

"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer
do it, and if he can do it, then so can I."

True to form, however,
Jesus' ball ended up back in the water.
Moses parted the water,
and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.

"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like,
but I'm not parting the water for you again."

"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus.
"But you know, I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,
and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."

Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water.
Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.

Another group of golfers came up behind Moses
and saw Jesus walking on the water.
"Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses.
"Who does that guy think he is, Jesus ?"

"No," said Moses, rolling his eyes.
"He IS Jesus, but He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

[Magdalena]

You guys are so funny! 

[Pasta Chick]

[OldGit]

^ Good 'un. 

BREAKING NEWS

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, England, has been sacked , much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway line.  I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally meet Allah."

"Remain calm and stay on the line ," was not considered to be an appropriate response.

[Icarus]

^ ROFL.

I disagree, it was damned sure the correct response.

[Biggus Dickus]

^^ You guys are mean


Why are fire engines red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight is twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, a fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red.
That's why firetrucks are red.

[Ali]

^^ You guys are mean


Why are fire engines red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight is twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, a fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red.
That's why firetrucks are red.

This is what every word problem I have ever read sounds like in my head.

[Guardian85]

^^ You guys are mean


Why are fire engines red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight is twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, a fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red.
That's why firetrucks are red.

Why do firemen have red suspenders?

[Icarus]

Fireman have red suspenders to hold their pants up.

[Asmodean]

Yes. That.

[OldGit]

[Tank]

[Pasta Chick]

Aw, nasty sheety dawg...

I don't know if I should be laughing, but I am. 

[Tank]