Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Marvin]

I heard that Mull of Kintyre song the other day, the one McCartney ripped of Mulligans tyres.
Tyres notable for never wearing out as the tread is on the inside.

[Biggus Dickus]

I heard that Mull of Kintyre song the other day, the one McCartney ripped of Mulligans tyres.
Tyres notable for never wearing out as the tread is on the inside.

If like me this morning you're wondering exactly Marvin is getting at (Or some of the other folks here at HAF), try this handy translator.

[joeactor]

I heard that Mull of Kintyre song the other day, the one McCartney ripped of Mulligans tyres.
Tyres notable for never wearing out as the tread is on the inside.

If like me this morning you're wondering exactly Marvin is getting at (Or some of the other folks here at HAF), try this handy translator.

... still don't get the joke, but really like the slang translator!

[Marvin]

I heard that Mull of Kintyre song the other day, the one McCartney ripped of Mulligans tyres.
Tyres notable for never wearing out as the tread is on the inside.

Mull of Kintyre is a song of Paul McCartney's.
Long ago I fell victim to an earworm spoof of a line of the song.

Mulligan's tyres never wear out 'cause the treads on the inside
Oh Mulligans tyres
some bagpipes now.

Around here a tyre's tread is the grooved part that wears out.
The inside of tyres don't wear out so obviously the cleaver thing to do is to put the tread on the inside of the tyre, where the tube goes, or where they used to go.

You surely know the leprosy/yesterday thing?

Leprosy, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, leprosy came suddenly

[Biggus Dickus]

I heard that Mull of Kintyre song the other day, the one McCartney ripped of Mulligans tyres.
Tyres notable for never wearing out as the tread is on the inside.

Mull of Kintyre is a song of Paul McCartney's.
Long ago I fell victim to an earworm spoof of the song.
Around here a tyre's tread is the grooved part that wears out.
The inside of tyres don't wear out so obviously the cleaver thing to do is to put the tread on the inside of the tyre, where the tube goes, or where they used to go.

Oh you mean "tire", now I get it ha, ha, ha....
You should have your spell check looked at.

[Marvin]

"automobile tyres are usually made of rubber and filled with compressed air"

Seriously, you surely don't spell the rubber thing that goes on wheels as tire?

I'm so tired
Oh darling did you have a hard day?
No, I got run over by a fucking monster truck.


I'll have to reconsider a lot of things now.
I dismissed as crazy the the moon landing hoax people.
I'm going have to take another look at their stuff.
There is no way a people who spell tyre so wrongly could have truly gone there.

[Biggus Dickus]

"automobile tyres are usually made of rubber and filled with compressed air"

Seriously, you surely don't spell the rubber thing that goes on wheels as tire?

I'm so tired
Oh darling did you have a hard day?
No, I got run over by a fucking monster truck.


I'll have to reconsider a lot of things now.
I dismissed as crazy the the moon landing hoax people.
I'm going have to take another look at their stuff.
There is no way a people who spell tyre so wrongly could have truly gone there.

This is Tyre. Located in Lebanon, a place I would really like to visit one day.



This is a tire, the black part, along the outside.
The pretty, shiny center section is the wheel.
This is the Chevy Cruze wheel by the way, which is my wheel. Or more specifically is one of the wheels our company supplies to GM.

Wheels are my business (Not tires, smelly, dirty things really), but since they go hand in hand with my wheels I am somewhat familiar with them.

[OldGit]

So many classic songs are sung wrongly.  For instance, Jim Reeves'  Big Horse song - 'I love you big Horse, you understand, dear...'

[Guardian85]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

[OldGit]

Well, fare's fair.

[OldGit]

[Asmodean]

Yes, the rattie angels are real, as is their God. Be in awe of His Omnigrayness! Immediately! 

[Guardian85]

Yes, the rattie angels are real, as is their God. Be in awe of His Omnigrayness! Immediately! 

I'm not sure you grasp the concept of this site...... 

[Tank]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES ? $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER." $50.00."

[Guardian85]

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.

The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"

Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest: "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know. I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

Bishop: "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop:"No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it.

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right".