Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Asmodean]

I did too. Good magazine, but in most areas that interest me, I outgrew it.  Now, if the stuff I read is illustrated at all, it's with charts and graphs.

[Crow]

I was actually curious if you or anyone else here currently purchases or even read magazines, and if so which ones? 

I do. The main ones would be Apartamento, Monocle, The Gentlewoman, Fantastic Man, Self Service, Mark and AnOther. I will randomly go pick up magazines from the local gallery shops and design stores.

Hey Crow, do you mind if I ask what type of work you do? Just curious based on some of the magazines you listed above. When I was first responding to this thread my thoughts were on magazines read for personal pleasure, hobbies or simply for leisure. Personally I've had subscriptions to different magazines over the years, some news related, many geared either toward music or musicians, along with the random GQ, etc...but when I saw some of the ones you listed it, it reminded me that I still look through a number of periodicals here at the office that are work related (I'm a manufacturing representative in the automotive business) such as Automotive News, Craines Detroit Business, etc...

The easiest way to put it would be that I work in design. Most of the time as an art director, sometimes as a creative director, other times just as a designer, sometimes as a mac monkey though I haven't done that in over three years. Most of the magazines I pick up even though related to the work I do are mainly because I like the content and isn't just a collection of stuff you can find on the web, the periodicals in my field of business is stuff you can easily find on the web and even though I have had work featured in a few of them they are generally rubbish and feel like they are targeted towards students and people who chase awards.

[Biggus Dickus]

I was actually curious if you or anyone else here currently purchases or even read magazines, and if so which ones? 

I do. The main ones would be Apartamento, Monocle, The Gentlewoman, Fantastic Man, Self Service, Mark and AnOther. I will randomly go pick up magazines from the local gallery shops and design stores.

Hey Crow, do you mind if I ask what type of work you do? Just curious based on some of the magazines you listed above. When I was first responding to this thread my thoughts were on magazines read for personal pleasure, hobbies or simply for leisure. Personally I've had subscriptions to different magazines over the years, some news related, many geared either toward music or musicians, along with the random GQ, etc...but when I saw some of the ones you listed it, it reminded me that I still look through a number of periodicals here at the office that are work related (I'm a manufacturing representative in the automotive business) such as Automotive News, Craines Detroit Business, etc...

The easiest way to put it would be that I work in design. Most of the time as an art director, sometimes as a creative director, other times just as a designer, sometimes as a mac monkey though I haven't done that in over three years. Most of the magazines I pick up even though related to the work I do are mainly because I like the content and isn't just a collection of stuff you can find on the web, the periodicals in my field of business is stuff you can easily find on the web and even though I have had work featured in a few of them they are generally rubbish and feel like they are targeted towards students and people who chase awards.

My guess was pretty close, sounds interesting
My best friend is a designer here in Detroit, where also taught design at the College for Creative Studies . He's done some really outstanding work and I always love to see the stuff he's working on, if he's in a mood to let me peek.
Maybe you can share some of your work at HAF?

[Crow]

Maybe you can share some of your work at HAF?

Not a chance, I haven't done personal stuff in years so everything is business and don't want to be showing that around on forums. If you have been to NYC (or any large European city or Tokyo) over the last few years there is a small chance you may have already seen some stuff I have worked on.

[Biggus Dickus]

Farfignewton.

[OldGit]

I did wonder about that haggis advert in Inverkochileekie.   

[Biggus Dickus]

[OldGit]

I told my psychiatrist I keep hearing voices.  He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.

[Tom62]

I told my psychiatrist I keep hearing voices.  He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.

ROFL

[Tank]

FACTS ABOUT LIFE:
1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the
woman herself offers the other one. And that
was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Did you ever notice: everything on a
woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse,
Bra, Boobs & lower body with a "P", Peticoat,
panties, pussy... No wonder men suffer from
high BP!
3. Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life
no one helps you once you're screwed.
4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody
congratulates you but nobody knows how many
times you got screwed to achieve it.
5. What is the difference between frustration
and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a
Fuck!
6. Three people having sex is a threesome, 2 is
a twosome. So next time someone calls you
'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard
for no reason.
8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to
make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A
wife is supposed to make her husband's dick
hard, not his life..
10. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends
touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But
none of them come and touch the man's dick
and say "Well done!". Moral of it is that, hard
work is never appreciated. Only result matters

[Biggus Dickus]

I like #6

So can one of you English folk explain this joke to me?

"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub..."

[Essie Mae]

So can one of you English folk explain this joke to me?

"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub..."

Well I'll have a go.  It's not particularly funny though.  I think it refers to the fact that in some pubs or cafes you are given a number to take to your table so the waiter knows where to bring your order. sometimes the number is on what looks like a fork or spoon. So you can either make food with a wooden spoon or have food made for you. You surely have the same in the US of A?

[Icarus]

Essie, there are some restaurants, here, that use numbered cards to identify the diners at whatever table. A diner orders his choice at a counter and retires to a table where the server will find you when the item is prepared.  Spoons? Not that we know of. Thank you for that bit of English lore.

We learn more stuff on HAF then we do in school. 

[Kody]

FACTS ABOUT LIFE:
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard
for no reason.

Excellent!

[Tank]

I was thinking about getting married to a Muslim.

They love a good bang!