Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Biggus Dickus]

RULE #34

Are my male friends the only ones stupid enough to use soap as lube?  Or are they the only ones affected by it?

The former.

[Tank]

RULE #34

Are my male friends the only ones stupid enough to use soap as lube?  Or are they the only ones affected by it?

Ewwww! Soap! No. If in doubt olive oil!

[Pasta Chick]

RULE #34

Are my male friends the only ones stupid enough to use soap as lube?  Or are they the only ones affected by it?

The former.

I'm not surprised.

True story - guy I went to high school with thought putting a live fish in your vagina would be the coolest way to masturbate, and couldn't understand why that wasn't a thing, like cucumbers or hot dogs.

[joeactor]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

[Siz]

Every Woman's magazine, ever...

[Crow]

Pretty damn accurate. All that is wrong is that it isn't using 5 different fonts and there is too much negative space (ma).

[Magdalena]

I've never bought any of those magazines.
That explains everything. 

[Biggus Dickus]

I've never bought any of those magazines.
That explains everything. 

What magazines do you buy your highness?

[Magdalena]

I've never bought any of those magazines.
That explains everything. 

What magazines do you buy your highness?

Your highness? Well....Thank you for that, next time just call me The Tarot Card's High Priestess.

I was raised by two wonderful men who taught me about the things that really matter in life. They wanted me to learn as much as I could, but the art of knowing how to fuck a man 7 DIFFERENT WAYS TO BLOW HIS MIND IN BED was not one of them. Or, HOW TO KEEP LOVE ALIVE by following THE MODERN RULES OF SEX AND DATING.

Do I want to STEAL OTHER WOMEN'S HOT SEX SECRETS? No, not really. Do I WANT A NEW BODY? No. Even if I did, how do I dispose of the old one? I'm not crazy about finding the fountain of youth, so MAKEUP TRICKS THAT TAKE OFF YEARS...How many exactly? How many layers will you plaster on my face? Will people see my face or my makeup? HAIR? I've just watched mine grow long and curly, and then turn gray, what else can it do? Now I can find THE secret? THE SECRET OF BEING HAPPY...is in a magazine? Really? 

Some people are into the perfect party fashion, jewelry, the shoes, the hair the makeup, etc. I'm not, so I don't buy these magazines--that's all.  When I said, "That explains everything." I was just thinking about everything that I'm not.

[OldGit]

What's wrong with Carpenter's Weekly?  I find it most stimulating.

[Biggus Dickus]

What's wrong with Carpenter's Weekly?  I find it most stimulating.

I like "TIRED", the paint drying articles are especially captivating.

I've never bought any of those magazines.
That explains everything. 

What magazines do you buy your highness?

Your highness? Well....Thank you for that, next time just call me The Tarot Card's High Priestess.

I was raised by two wonderful men who taught me about the things that really matter in life. They wanted me to learn as much as I could, but the art of knowing how to fuck a man 7 DIFFERENT WAYS TO BLOW HIS MIND IN BED was not one of them. Or, HOW TO KEEP LOVE ALIVE by following THE MODERN RULES OF SEX AND DATING.

Do I want to STEAL OTHER WOMEN'S HOT SEX SECRETS? No, not really. Do I WANT A NEW BODY? No. Even if I did, how do I dispose of the old one? I'm not crazy about finding the fountain of youth, so MAKEUP TRICKS THAT TAKE OFF YEARS...How many exactly? How many layers will you plaster on my face? Will people see my face or my makeup? HAIR? I've just watched mine grow long and curly, and then turn gray, what else can it do? Now I can find THE secret? THE SECRET OF BEING HAPPY...is in a magazine? Really? 

Some people are into the perfect party fashion, jewelry, the shoes, the hair the makeup, etc. I'm not, so I don't buy these magazines--that's all.  When I said, "That explains everything." I was just thinking about everything that I'm not.

I was only kidding TCHP, but I really like your response. I think you really nailed it on the head with what is wrong not just with the magazines, but our society and how people are conditioned to look at themselves and try to live up to unrealistic expectations of what a women, or even a man should be according to marketing firms.

I was actually curious if you or anyone else here currently purchases or even read magazines, and if so which ones?  I myself do not, and haven't for a long time. Seems the only time I glance at a magazine these days is if I'm flying or waiting at a doctors office.
I do read a lot of things online that interest me, but that's the nice thing about the internet. I can search for content through reliable sources and not have to deal with any of the crap that is out there, and as we are all aware there is a ton of crap online; but it is easy (At least for me) to filter out and avoid the garbage that is similarly found in the magazine examples posted here earlier.

I do have to say Mags if I was to pick one magazine I thought you subscribed to and read on a regular basis it would be "High Times".

[Pasta Chick]

I read Whole Dog Journal, which is technically a magazine.  That's it though. Everything else is just ads and articles to sell you what's in the ads. 

BF reads some Outdoor Living mag, which is mostly ads for hunting gear and guns with articles to make you want more hunting gear and guns.  He finds it nice for keeping up on what's available.

Women's magazines are absolutely awful.

[Crow]

I was actually curious if you or anyone else here currently purchases or even read magazines, and if so which ones? 

I do. The main ones would be Apartamento, Monocle, The Gentlewoman, Fantastic Man, Self Service, Mark and AnOther. I will randomly go pick up magazines from the local gallery shops and design stores.

[Biggus Dickus]

I was actually curious if you or anyone else here currently purchases or even read magazines, and if so which ones? 

I do. The main ones would be Apartamento, Monocle, The Gentlewoman, Fantastic Man, Self Service, Mark and AnOther. I will randomly go pick up magazines from the local gallery shops and design stores.

Hey Crow, do you mind if I ask what type of work you do? Just curious based on some of the magazines you listed above. When I was first responding to this thread my thoughts were on magazines read for personal pleasure, hobbies or simply for leisure. Personally I've had subscriptions to different magazines over the years, some news related, many geared either toward music or musicians, along with the random GQ, etc...but when I saw some of the ones you listed it, it reminded me that I still look through a number of periodicals here at the office that are work related (I'm a manufacturing representative in the automotive business) such as Automotive News, Craines Detroit Business, etc...

[Guardian85]

I only subscribe to Illustrated Science.