Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Magdalena]

It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

   
OldGit, life is never boring with you around.

[Guardian85]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

[Tom62]

Read this one on Facebook:

Light travels faster than sound.
That is why some people appear bright until they speak.

[OldGit]

This was sent in an email:


This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counseling.

There are 4 questions. Don't miss one.

1.  How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?   Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.













The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2.  How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3.  The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles.  You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Haven't you been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

[Icarus]

Dammit Git, I do not like your statistical references about four year olds and retirees. Beside that the test is bullshit. My refrigerator is sufficiently voluminous to hold a giraffe and an elephant with room left over for  two Thompson Gazelles and several liters of choice lager.

OOPs I forgot. Brits drink their beer warm and do not keep it in the fridge.   

[OldGit]

^ And we drink it in PINTS, not bloody litres.

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From the Daily Mash:

Jesus died to give us two bank holidays

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has given thanks to Jesus, who gave his life so that we could have not just a Monday off work but a Friday too.

Jesus, God's only begotten son, died for his belief that workers deserve a four-day paid break just when the weather's beginning to pick up.

Archbishop Justin Welby said: "The heavenly miracle of Good Friday was bought with the blood of the Lamb, spilt for everyone who's got a bit of decorating to do.

"How can the atheists scoff when only eight days of leave need be booked to give sixteen days off? Marvel at the ways of the Lord."

Biblical scholars say that Jesus was a carpenter, hard at work in Nazareth, before he received a divine revelation telling him to take a few days off and maybe catch some rays at the Sea of Galilee.

Jesus's teachings spread until Easter became a holiday long enough to get 12 mates together and head into Jerusalem for a big meal with plenty of wine.

The Archbishop, reading from the Bible, said: "Now when the evening did come, He died on the cross. And behold, on the third day He rose again nice and late after his first proper lie-in in ages.

"And He said unto them, Fear ye not, for there is still no work tomorrow. Lo, does anyone fancy the pub?"

[Pasta Chick]

50 Cent Dubbed Over Jehovahs Witnesses Trying to Get Deaf People to Stop Masturbating

[Magdalena]

^^ ^
  Oh, my Asmo! That is so funny! I couldn't stop laughing. 

[Tank]

50 Cent Dubbed Over Jehovahs Witnesses Trying to Get Deaf People to Stop Masturbating

Brilliant. What amazes me about that sort of thing is the creativity of the mind of the person who sees the video and hears the tune and sees the connection.

[Magdalena]

50 Cent Dubbed Over Jehovahs Witnesses Trying to Get Deaf People to Stop Masturbating

Brilliant. What amazes me about that sort of thing is the creativity of the mind of the person who sees the video and hears the tune and sees the connection.

I know what you mean, it was wonderfully synchronized. 

[OldGit]

That's brilliant!

[Buddy]

Some stats about Britons. 

[OldGit]

Excellent, Buddy!  And they're all true, too.

[Crow]

Some stats about Britons. 

Those of us with slightly curly hair use it to charm police officers when our cheekbones assault people.

[Pasta Chick]

Hilarious, but unfortunately real, and under investigation

Also, my dogs definitely think with better grammar.  Maybe police dogs are thugs.