Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Essie Mae]

I've obviously not lived. Charades was never like that in our family. 

[Essie Mae]

TWENTY THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more .

I think you just want to get us all into domestic hot water.

[Essie Mae]

 

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

Gross but awfully funny.

[Essie Mae]

[Tank]

[Ihateyoumike]

[catmandeux]

^^^^  LOLOL!

[Asmodean]

Photobombing the lunatics... Satisfying, but I guess it can be more counterproductive than not.

[Magdalena]

TWENTY THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more .

OldGit, you're a funny-dirty-old man!     
I read this at night and I wanted to laugh out loud so bad, but I didn't want to wake up anyone. At the end, I was coughing so bad, everyone woke up because the more I tried to suppress my laughter, the worse my asthma got. 

[Magdalena]

^^^^This is hilarious!!

[Magdalena]

[OldGit]

Another one to add to the twenty things:  a respectable lady presenter on a serious BBC radio politics show said she couldn't wait to seat her mother at the far end of the table for Christmas dinner, so she can ask if granny wants stuffing up her end.

[Tank]

Tears rolling down my cheeks at these! http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever

I particularly liked this one

[Buddy]

Tears rolling down my cheeks at these! http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever

I particularly liked this one

Sounds like you would like damnyouautocorrect.com

[Tank]

Tears rolling down my cheeks at these! http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever

I particularly liked this one

Sounds like you would like damnyouautocorrect.com

You've posted from there. I kiked thim o lot.