Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

[Asmodean]

Fuck the dinner - I like working on holidays.

[Amicale]

Fuck the dinner - I like working on holidays.

Have you ever worked at a grocery store, pharmacy, retail outlet or other department store the night before or (bonus!) OF a holiday, stuck behind a cash register ringing through endless lines of last-minute shoppers, some of who are yelling because there are only 3 people working cash and the line's 25 people long?

Try that. Try it for 4 years - then tell me if you'd still prefer it to a holiday dinner. 

[Pasta Chick]

It's true.  In fact, her ideal day would be a long with me, in which she finds and rolls in all sorts of deer, rabbit, and lizard poop (she REALLY loves lizard poop!), then kills a squirrel to bring home and chew on while she hides in her crate. 

and people wonder why I'm a cat person. 

...As if cats never leave half-eaten mice in the doorway, release live snakes in the screen porch, and puke hairballs in your slippers.

[catmandeux]

It's true.  In fact, her ideal day would be a long with me, in which she finds and rolls in all sorts of deer, rabbit, and lizard poop (she REALLY loves lizard poop!), then kills a squirrel to bring home and chew on while she hides in her crate. 

and people wonder why I'm a cat person. 

...As if cats never leave half-eaten mice in the doorway, release live snakes in the screen porch, and puke hairballs in your slippers.

But, we've had a lot of cats over the years, and I never saw a single one of them eating any kind of poop.

[Pasta Chick]

It's true.  In fact, her ideal day would be a long with me, in which she finds and rolls in all sorts of deer, rabbit, and lizard poop (she REALLY loves lizard poop!), then kills a squirrel to bring home and chew on while she hides in her crate. 

and people wonder why I'm a cat person. 

...As if cats never leave half-eaten mice in the doorway, release live snakes in the screen porch, and puke hairballs in your slippers.

But, we've had a lot of cats over the years, and I never saw a single one of them eating any kind of poop.

They have a vomeronasal organ, so I'm betting they do.  I know cats can have coprophagia too, although I can't really comment on how common it is.

None of my dogs habitually eat poop either, actually.  It's rolling in poop that is good.  Disguise yourself.  Also sniffing it intently, just because.  And peeing on it.  Peeing on poop is extremely important. 

[Asmodean]

Have you ever worked at a grocery store, pharmacy, retail outlet or other department store the night before or (bonus!) OF a holiday, stuck behind a cash register ringing through endless lines of last-minute shoppers, some of who are yelling because there are only 3 people working cash and the line's 25 people long?

A convenience store, yes.

Try that. Try it for 4 years - then tell me if you'd still prefer it to a holiday dinner. 

Is below my paygrade now, but when it was not, I did pretty much all the holidays for over two years. Not a problem.

[OldGit]

TOMBSTONE JOKE:

[Icarus]

^ Good one Git. 

[OldGit]

Thanks, Icarus!



Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.  People were shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50.  It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

[catmandeux]

^^^^^^^^^^^

[Icarus]

Fun site;http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/   

[OldGit]

^ 

[Essie Mae]

90-yr-old woman in a retirement home wallks into the communal living room holding up her clenched fist.

"Anyone who can guess what I am holding in my hand gets to have sex with me," she announced.

"An elephant," called out a 90-yr-old man.

"That's close enough," she smiled.

Sorry if you've heard it - an Ozzie friend sent it to me.

[OldGit]

^ Excellent!