Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must have been the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply, asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one!!"

[Sandra Craft]

Not exactly a joke, but so funny I hurt myself internally while reading them: epic auto-correct fails

[Pasta Chick]

[Claireliontamer]

Love it, I have to confess before I joined HAF, this was probably my knowledge of the USA.... I am considerably better now

[catmandeux]

..

[catmandeux]

..

[Pasta Chick]

The whole thing reminds me of an Aussie I met who was touring the US for a few months...  Guy couldn't wait to get to New Jersey. 

[Icarus]

Geography is hard for some people.  I love the Aussie take.

In fairness I only know the location of Queensland, It is the upper eastern province. Is province what the Aussies call their territories or is that just for Canadians?  Queensland?  Do they have a lot of cross dressers there? 

And one more thing.....................OG you are a depraved old dude for some of that humor that you post. Ha! I like it. Does that make me a depraved old dude too?   

[Tank]

[OldGit]

And one more thing.....................OG you are a depraved old dude for some of that humor that you post. Ha! I like it. Does that make me a depraved old dude too?

[jumbojak]

Guy couldn't wait to get to New Jersey. 

Really??? I'm assuming he'd never seen pictures of the Garden State.

[Pasta Chick]

Guy couldn't wait to get to New Jersey. 

Really??? I'm assuming he'd never seen pictures of the Garden State.

Yup.  Even after I gently informed him NJ is generally referred to as "America's armpit."  He was certain it was some kind of cultural wonderland since some rock icons like Bruce Springsteen grew up there.

I'm not going to claim I could do any better with a map of Australia, but if I were going to visit, I would put a little research behind my planning. 

[jumbojak]

Guy couldn't wait to get to New Jersey. 

Really??? I'm assuming he'd never seen pictures of the Garden State.

Yup.  Even after I gently informed him NJ is generally referred to as "America's armpit."  He was certain it was some kind of cultural wonderland since some rock icons like Bruce Springsteen grew up there.

I'm not going to claim I could do any better with a map of Australia, but if I were going to visit, I would put a little research behind my planning. 

I've never seen NJ from closer than the Amtrak but my brother managed a farm there some years ago and 'armpit' is putting it very nicely based on his description. Looking at the pictures of crumbling schools that have been making the news recently I don't think his description was enough either!

This remands me of a documentary on immigrants from the middle east a few years ago where everyone coming here wanted to go to Detroit.... they thought it was the promised land. Weird.

[Pasta Chick]

To be completely fair, there are still a huge number of people in the US who legitimately believe Florida is a nice place to retire, so...

Anyway:

[Sandra Craft]

19 Indications you love animals more than people


1. Your most memorable party moments all involve sitting in a corner and petting the host's cat. Yes

2. You refuse to date someone if your dog ever growled at them or snubbed them in any way.

3. You can watch intense war dramas without shedding a tear, but if the commercial break involves Sarah McLachlan, you are done for.  Yes, but I'm ashamed of it

4. As a child, you much preferred stuffed animals to human dolls.  Yes

5. You consider the ability to have pets in the office a legitimate job perk.

6. When you have to choose between going out with your friends or lying in bed with your pet, the choice is obvious.

7. You side-eye toddlers who won't stop bothering an animal (and, more importantly, their parents who think it's cute).  Yes

8. The day in seventh grade where you had to dissect frogs was one of the worst days of your life.

9. Your favorite Disney movies were the ones that starred animals, not princesses. Yes to infinity and beyond

10. Zoos make you absolutely miserable and you daydream about jumping in and freeing the animals.  Yes, not that I'd know what to do with them afterwards

11. Growing up, you always felt irrationally envious of cartoon characters with anthropomorphic animal best friends.

12. Instead of exchanging water cooler stories, you spend your downtime at work finding ways to get animals to make an appearance.

13. Your versions of reality TV shows are live cams of grizzly bears and corgi puppies.

14. And, every year, you completely alienate yourself from everyone you know by watching the Puppy Bowl instead of the Super Bowl.

15. You've turned down prospective roommates solely because they weren't into getting a pet in the near future.  N/A, but love the graphic on this one

16. While your friends talk about hypothetical future children, you're thinking about hypothetical future dogs.

17. You tend to interrupt deep conversations because you just passed by a really cute dog on the street.  Yes

18. You hate to admit it, but you identify with the characters in Best in Show.  Well, some of them

19. You've never understood why "cat lady" is a bad thing; to you, having a lifelong pet soul-mate always sounded better than marriage because animals are perfect.  Yes and no, I don't see why cat lady is bad but let's not go crazy with the perfection thing