Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

An Irishman was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do dat when I win de lottery'.

'What's dat ?', said his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be mowed', said Paddy.

[Siz]

Paddy and Murphy were working on a building site. Paddy was chucking tiles off to be caught by Murphy below who was placing them in a pile for recycling. As Murphy's concentration lapsed on spotting a busty lass strolling past, one of Paddy's tiles catches Murphy's ear and slices it clean off.

"Aw, Paddy, yous just chapped me ear aff. I dunno where it's gone"
"Hold on Murph" Says Paddy, "I'll come down an' help yous look farrit"

They search the untidy site for a while until Paddy shouts over holding up a blood spattered ear "'Ere Murph, is this your ear?"

Murphy squints a little, thinks for a moment and replies " Hmm, I don't tink so, mate, mine had a pencil behind it".

[Tank]

[Tank]

[Guardian85]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

[OldGit]

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is.  If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an A."

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer:

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

[Niya]

[Niya]

[Pasta Chick]

^Ha! 

[Amicale]

LOL! Yeah, I know that stare all too well, I've also had cats jump on me in the middle of, uh, stuff. Once or twice with claws. 

[Pasta Chick]

One of my dogs will stare like that, while super heavy creeper-on-the-phone-style breathing. 

[Tank]

[OldGit]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "come on then, what day was I born"?
I said, "yesterday."

[Niya]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "come on then, what day was I born"?
I said, "yesterday."

You sure it was a girl? 

[Amicale]

Not a joke exactly, it just made me laugh because I'm tired --

I was talking to a co-worker and asking her about her students, she said 'X is supposed to be in my ass'.

I asked 'are you sure he should be there?'

'Yes, definitely. He was added to it yesterday, he's a really good fit too!'

...and about 30 seconds later she lost it laughing and cursed out her typo.