Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

^ Ding!  Well done, O Grey One!

---------------

Here's a good one for Brits, though foreigners may not get the full flavour:

How many Ulster Unionists does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many Ulster Unionists does it take to change a lightbulb?
"WE WULL NIVVUR! NIVVUR! CHAYUNGE THE LIGHTBULB! THE LIGHTBULB IS THE SAYAM LIGHTBULB AS OOR FATHERS HAD AND THEYUR FATHERS BEFOWUR THEYAM, AND WE WILL NIVVUR! NIVVUR! CHAYUNGE THE LIGHTBULB!"

[Niya]

Lol

Oops! just found out the image is not showing up. May be flickr is down atm.

[Tank]

Nyia

Looks like you have linked to a directory or something as there is no '.jpg' at teh end of the link in your post.

[OldGit]

Lol



Oops! just found out the image is not showing up. May be flickr is down atm.

FTFY, Niya

[Niya]

Thanx Guys, I had never used Flickr before.

How did you fix it OG, can u teach me? 

[OldGit]

I don't know anything about Flickr but I found it wouldn't let me do a direct copy, which I would have saved onto Photobucket and posted from there.  So I used the very handy Windows 7 snipping tool to save a copy to my computer and thence to Photobucket.  It takes much longer to explain than to do; it's very simple.

[OldGit]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another
Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your
husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one
tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with
him.

[Niya]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another
Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your
husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one
tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with
him.

Hahaha

[OldGit]

Cowboy: "Gimme 3 packets a condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

[Tank]

[OldGit]

Well dang me!  What do they breathe up there?

[OldGit]

 
CHURCH SQUIRRELS

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[Niya]

CHURCH SQUIRRELS

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

The squirrels were all male ??? lol that is as sexist as one can get. 

[Non Quixote]

CHURCH SQUIRRELS

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

The squirrels were all male ??? lol that is as sexist as one can get. 

Just the one that the Hebrews got hold of. 

[Tank]