I am a god mother...what should I do?

[Good and Godless]

Hey everyone-

I was raised Catholic and went through a heavily Christian phase in college before becoming the freethinker I am today.  One of my college friends (and still a close friend) asked me to be her daughter's godmother about 6 years ago.  At that time, I was disenchanted with religion and no longer attending church, but not yet defining myself as an atheist.  I accepted the role and I am now a godmother.  I'm not a good one.  I don't send little religious gifts on the girls b-day or anything.  However, I feel that if I was in fact placed in charge of the child's moral wellness (which is what I gather to be the real idea behind godparents), I would do a great job.  I wouldn't do it within the framework of the church, but I would be able to serve as an ethical and moral role model for this child.

My question is this: I have not outright told my friend that I have joined the dark side.  Should I?  I think she knows that I no longer attend church and she might even guess that I am not the believer I once was.  But do I need to tell her this, or should I let it ride?  We are still fairly good friends and the subject of religion just doesn't come up between us.  She is a fairly traditional Catholic, but does not preach.

Just curious about what people think I should do.  Thanks!

[xSilverPhinx]

Why don't you test the waters first, see what she thinks about atheists before you decide?

[Tank]

Why don't you test the waters first, see what she thinks about atheists before you decide?

I concur, I think this is the way to go.

[Asmodean]

Yes. Always stick a toe in the water before diving in. It can be freezing... Or piraña-infested.

[Ildiko]

My question is this: I have not outright told my friend that I have joined the dark side.  Should I?  I think she knows that I no longer attend church and she might even guess that I am not the believer I once was.  But do I need to tell her this, or should I let it ride?  We are still fairly good friends and the subject of religion just doesn't come up between us.  She is a fairly traditional Catholic, but does not preach.

In your shoes I would just say nothing. I mean, once you are a godmother is there any way of "undoing" it? If not, then there's absolutely no point in raising the issue. If your friend knows you no longer attend church, she has probably guessed anyway. Just do stuff you are comfortable with. As for:

I don't send little religious gifts on the girls b-day or anything.

well, that's a whole load of chotchkies that won't be cluttering up her room!

I would never ask anyone what they think about atheists, though that's mainly because I really don't give a flying fuck.

[MathKat]

Hey everyone-

I was raised Catholic and went through a heavily Christian phase in college before becoming the freethinker I am today.  One of my college friends (and still a close friend) asked me to be her daughter's godmother about 6 years ago.  At that time, I was disenchanted with religion and no longer attending church, but not yet defining myself as an atheist.  I accepted the role and I am now a godmother.  I'm not a good one.  I don't send little religious gifts on the girls b-day or anything.  However, I feel that if I was in fact placed in charge of the child's moral wellness (which is what I gather to be the real idea behind godparents), I would do a great job.  I wouldn't do it within the framework of the church, but I would be able to serve as an ethical and moral role model for this child.

My question is this: I have not outright told my friend that I have joined the dark side.  Should I?  I think she knows that I no longer attend church and she might even guess that I am not the believer I once was.  But do I need to tell her this, or should I let it ride?  We are still fairly good friends and the subject of religion just doesn't come up between us.  She is a fairly traditional Catholic, but does not preach.

Just curious about what people think I should do.  Thanks!

Are there certain religious responsibilities that a godmother has?

My son has 2 "godmothers" but I use that term for lack of a better word.  What they really are I guess are back up guardians.  If something happens to both my husband and I then they are the ones to take custody of him.  They spend time with him and one is going to teach him how to play basketball.  They have chosen to just be close with my son and act like part of his family.  Can't you just be someone who is close to this child?  My mother's family is Catholic and my mom's aunt was her godmother and she always made her clothes and bought her gifts and stuff like that but as far as I know they weren't really religious in nature.  I'm not sure a godparent really has to be religious.  Weather you tell your friend you're an atheist or not, I would say you know your friend better than anyone else here and you'd be the best judge of that.

[Siz]

Ditto Mathkat.

I am an atheist father of christened children (my churchgoing wifes idea). Half of the godparents were not actively religious, just close, responsible friends. I chose to have nothing to do with the service as I could not, in all conscience, commit to saying all the required nonsense. Officially, the godparents are responsible for the religious upbringing, but is that the whole story in your case?

I'm sure you were chosen for your personal qualities rather than for your beliefs.

If you are asked to clarify your position I don't see you have much choice other than to 'fess up. Otherwise just go with it and continue to demonstrate that you are a worthy guardian and teacher.

...but what do we know...?

[DeterminedJuliet]

If it's weighing on your mind, I'd probably find a delicate way to bring up the subject, though it wouldn't surprise me if it wasn't a huge deal. Most people don't chose the most religious people they know to be godparents, they chose the people they would trust their kids the most with (though there can be overlap).

My husband and I didn't have our son baptized, but we do have a "godfather" for him and he's an openly agnostic. "Godfather" just seemed like the best way to describe our friend's status in relation to our family

[Norfolk And Chance]

Ditto Mathkat.

I am an atheist father of christened children (my churchgoing wifes idea). Half of the godparents were not actively religious, just close, responsible friends. I chose to have nothing to do with the service as I could not, in all conscience, commit to saying all the required nonsense. Officially, the godparents are responsible for the religious upbringing, but is that the whole story in your case?

I'm sure you were chosen for your personal qualities rather than for your beliefs.

If you are asked to clarify your position I don't see you have much choice other than to 'fess up. Otherwise just go with it and continue to demonstrate that you are a worthy guardian and teacher.

...but what do we know...?

Wow, atheist husband, church going wife, how do you deal with that?

Luckily for me, my wife is not a church goer and many years ago her position at best was "I don't know but I'd like to believe". Over time I think she's became more realistic but without outright saying "there is no god" - we don't really debate religion in the house and it is a non issue.

I think though if she was brazenly christian and church going I might not be able to handle that, I'm curious to know how the difference in belief sits with you both? 

[Stevil]

I don't think you should simply advise your friend's children to be free thinkers.

If you want to actively participate as a god mother then I think it would be best to discuss your situation and your role with your friend. If it turns out that your friend then doesn't want you to continue with the god mother role then hopefully you will understand and feel mutually about the situation. After all your friend is the parent.

If you are worried that your friend may not want to continue being your friend if you come clean about being an atheist then maybe instead of telling her just ask her if you can step down as god mother, that you find it a great honor, you love her children but you are not in an appropriate position to fill the role of spiritual adviser to anybody.

[Siz]

Wow, atheist husband, church going wife, how do you deal with that?

Luckily for me, my wife is not a church goer and many years ago her position at best was "I don't know but I'd like to believe". Over time I think she's became more realistic but without outright saying "there is no god" - we don't really debate religion in the house and it is a non issue.

I think though if she was brazenly christian and church going I might not be able to handle that, I'm curious to know how the difference in belief sits with you both? 

Don't wish to derail the thread, but suffice it to say that she's very moderate and accepts my beliefs without a fuss, as I do hers. I think probably we have a similar relationship. If anything I preach more than she does. I think she mainly remains a church goer for something to do with the kids on a Sunday morning while I'm out cycling. She runs the creche as there's no Sunday School. She only started going when it was time to get the kids into a good school. I was happy enough to let this sharade go on while I was out having 'me' time.

If you're interested, see this thread http://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/index.php?topic=8249.0 where it's discussed in more detail.

Derail over.

[Norfolk And Chance]

Wow, atheist husband, church going wife, how do you deal with that?

Luckily for me, my wife is not a church goer and many years ago her position at best was "I don't know but I'd like to believe". Over time I think she's became more realistic but without outright saying "there is no god" - we don't really debate religion in the house and it is a non issue.

I think though if she was brazenly christian and church going I might not be able to handle that, I'm curious to know how the difference in belief sits with you both? 

Don't wish to derail the thread, but suffice it to say that she's very moderate and accepts my beliefs without a fuss, as I do hers. I think probably we have a similar relationship. If anything I preach more than she does. I think she mainly remains a church goer for something to do with the kids on a Sunday morning while I'm out cycling. She runs the creche as there's no Sunday School. She only started going when it was time to get the kids into a good school. I was happy enough to let this sharade go on while I was out having 'me' time.

If you're interested, see this thread http://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/index.php?topic=8249.0 where it's discussed in more detail.

Derail over.

Cheers, I'll have a read of that.

[Good and Godless]

Hey all-

Thanks for the advice (and no worries about the short derail...that topic is probably more interesting than my original).  I don't think my friend would de-friend me for my beliefs.  We have very different political views as it is, and we've learned we can just joke about our differences.  I agree with those of you who said that a godparent's duty is mainly to provide moral/religious upbringing and possibly raise the child should anything happen to her parents.  I can see to the child's morality without church (I'm actually reading a very interesting essay about the different frameworks for morality and how morality not attached to a god or church is probably quite a bit more stable and meaningful).

In the end, I probably won't go out of my way to tell her, but I also won't go out of my way to hide my true beliefs should the issue come up.  I will be a positive influence on the child's life, but I also won't actively speak against her parents' beliefs.

Thanks again!

[xSilverPhinx]

Hey all-

Thanks for the advice (and no worries about the short derail...that topic is probably more interesting than my original).  I don't think my friend would de-friend me for my beliefs.  We have very different political views as it is, and we've learned we can just joke about our differences.  I agree with those of you who said that a godparent's duty is mainly to provide moral/religious upbringing and possibly raise the child should anything happen to her parents.  I can see to the child's morality without church (I'm actually reading a very interesting essay about the different frameworks for morality and how morality not attached to a god or church is probably quite a bit more stable and meaningful).

In the end, I probably won't go out of my way to tell her, but I also won't go out of my way to hide my true beliefs should the issue come up.  I will be a positive influence on the child's life, but I also won't actively speak against her parents' beliefs.

Thanks again!

Morality seems to be the biggest obstacle for theists it seems, who can't really see how anybody could have anything called 'morality' without the god watching their every move and reading their every thought, to judge them when they die.

If you do tell her or she finds out, then if you can get her to focus on you as a person rather than you as the label 'atheist', which comes with a lot of baggage for some theists, then there shouldn't be a problem, unless she actively wants a theistic 'spiritual' upbringing for her child.

(theistic morality is just so flawed on so many levels)

[Whitney]

I wouldn't bring it up unless some situation arises that makes you have to do something you don't want to do in order to fill the god mother role.  I also wouldn't discuss religion with the children, at least not until they are at an age where they could make up their own mind.  There are lots of ways you can encourage values such as critical thinking without having to use religion as the discussion topic; and even most Christians value critical thinking (they just don't always end up applying it to their religious beliefs).