Your Favourite Crack-Addled Beliefs!

[necrobitsch]

Religions are full of weirdness, that much is apparent. However, some are clearly way more screwed up than others in terms of what they believe. I hereby invite you all to share your favourite crack-addled 'beliefs.'

I'll start with Nuwaubianism, founded by one Dwight York....

Other Nuwaubian teachings
[edit] Human origins

    * Everyone is originally conceived as twins, but usually only one of the twins survives to be born.[38]
    * It is important to bury the afterbirth so that Satan does not use it to make a duplicate of the recently-born child.[39]
    * Furthermore, some aborted fetuses survive their abortion to live in the sewers, where they are being gathered and organized to take over the world.[40]
    * People were once perfectly symmetrical and ambidextrous, but then a meteorite struck Earth and tilted its axis causing handedness and shifting the heart off-center in the chest.[41]
    * Reincarnation has a physical as well as spiritual aspect:

          The physical body, when one dies, recycles from the ground in which it’s planted, it then penetrates into the atmosphere as film or dust particles and are breathed into the nostrils of human beings where they are recycled by triggering nerves in the sinus cavity. This sinus cavity works like a kidney to sift out the unneeded particles and relates the chemical composure [sic] of that which is needed into the mother’s blood stream and the human flesh is reanimated and this is the process by which a child is given form or flesh in the Mother’s womb.[42]

    * Each of us has seven clones:

          Clones are in tune with each other unconsciously and linked etherically, which means anything that happens to you the cloned counterparts of you feels also. For instance you may feel a sharp pain, for no apparent reason like your hand may feel like it has been cut and that is because your clones hand may have been. You can have an emotional break down out of the "clear blue sky" because one of your counterparts did. For instance me, I have had smoke come out of my mouth, it was a strange tobacco, for no apparent reason. It turned out my duplicate in Tibet smokes and the smoke came through me. I do not smoke anything.[43]

    * Women existed for many generations before they invented men through genetic manipulation.[44] â€" yet:

          The great pharmacist and chemist Nergal Shar’etsar Ruler of the Underworld, was also involved in the breeding process of the new beings (Homo Sapiens). When Adam was a child of two years of age, three years of real time, the scientist Nergal went into his bone marrow to take blood to mix it in to create Eve, which was then implanted into the womb of Anath, Mother of Eve. This bone marrow is what religious scholars say is the rib (tsala’) in the Bible.[45]

    * Homo sapiens is the result of cloning experiments that were done on Mars using Homo erectus.[46]
    * "When the Earth shifts, babies will stop being born and that day will come soon. Babies are not really being born anymore. They are being cloned."[35]
    * Edward Leedskalnin and Nikola Tesla were Venusians.[47]

[edit] Animal origins

    * Birds evolved from fish, not from reptiles.[48] And some species of dinosaur, for instance the Tyrannosaurus rex, evolved from extra-terrestrial greys.[49]
    * The pig was created by Imhotep and Zoser during the time of Abraham, by grafting cells from the dog, cat and rat together, and was designed to help dispose of leprous corpses.[50]

[edit] Anti-Nubian conspiracies

    * "Haven’t you ever wondered why for the simplest blood tests your doctor needs 4 tubes of blood? Where is all this blood going? The albino man’s ‘blood bank’ is just a sophisticated way of getting all the blood he needs! It is still a form of vampirism."[51]
    * Alcoholic beverages are made cheaply available to Nubians by the powers that be in order to preserve their blood and organs better "(just like they preserve organs in jars in laboratories)" for later extraction.[52]
    * Disco was created by the devil to win the souls of the Nubians: "The evil one knows that he can control the music world as long as his agents are within the A & R (Artists and Repertoire, who are responsible for choosing who makes it in the music world) of the well known companies. He cannot evaluate Latin or Black music because he (the evil one) has no soul. He only duplicates it… He had to come up with something to win our souls through his means, and he did it with disco."[53]
    * There is an underground road connecting New York and London. Furthermore, Alternative 3 is a fact, and Mars is being prepared for the evacuation of Earth’s intellectual and political elite.[54]
    * "[P]eople like the Pope, and Queen of England and various political leaders of various countries and some members of the clergy gather at the major Sabbats to invoke the malevolent one. On each of these occasions a Nubian man is sacrificed."[55]
    * The Illuminati have nurtured a child, Satan's son, who was born on 6 June 1966 at the Dakota House on 72nd Street in New York to Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis of the Rothschild/Kennedy families. The Pope was present at the birth and performed necromantic ceremonies. The child was raised by former U.S. president Richard Nixon and now lives in Belgium, where it is hooked up bodily to a computer called "The Beast 3M" or "3666."[35]

Apparently Wesley Snipes is an adherent.

Better watch out for those sewer-fetuses.

[George]

Dwight Yorke the footballer and father to Jordan's baby dreamed this up?

I wouldn't have credited him with the imagination for it..

[necrobitsch]

Oh, no, different Dwight York. This one's a black supremacist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dwight_York

[PoopShoot]

Fuck, I wanna join that church.  They HAVE to have good drugs to maintain those beliefs.

[George]

Oh, no, different Dwight York. This one's a black supremacist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dwight_York

Oh I see - without the e. This Dwight sounds much cleverer, but much more evil

The Dwight I was referring to is just a bit of a tit! Shame it wasn't him, it would've at least made him seem more interesting!

[necrobitsch]

It's probably worth reading the whole Wikipedia entry:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuwaubiani ... ng_history

A more recent explanation of racial differences[25]  is that white people were bred to be food, and that the "rapture" expected by Christians is really the return of the "raptors" who will dine on the now-ripe delicious white flesh.

Seriously. Make's Scientology's Xenu seem kind of passé.

[DropLogic]

Maybe he is actually an evil genius, who knows the power that religion has over it's followers.

[The Magic Pudding]

There are people who believe that when their bodies cease to function, their consciousness will magically live on.
I'm not making this up.
They know all sorts of details of this afterlife, even though no one has been there.
They have all sorts of rules that determine who gets there, even though no one has been there.
Apparently some ancient guys wrote it all down 2nd, 3rd or what ever hand thousands of years ago.

[DropLogic]

There are people who believe that when their bodies cease to function, their consciousness will magically live on.
I'm not making this up.
They know all sorts of details of this afterlife, even though no one has been there.
They have all sorts of rules that determine who gets there, even though no one has been there.
Apparently some ancient guys wrote it all down 2nd, 3rd or what ever hand thousands of years ago.

I think I've heard of this one too.  There's this dude who died, but didn't, and they celebrate him not actually dying each year by painting chicken eggs, dressing in life sized rabbit suits, and looking for hidden candy.  Oh and eating ham.  I have to admit, I do take part in the eating ham and candy part.  Guilty pleasure.

[humblesmurph]

There are people who believe that when their bodies cease to function, their consciousness will magically live on.
I'm not making this up.
They know all sorts of details of this afterlife, even though no one has been there.
They have all sorts of rules that determine who gets there, even though no one has been there.
Apparently some ancient guys wrote it all down 2nd, 3rd or what ever hand thousands of years ago.

I think I've heard of this one too.  There's this dude who died, but didn't, and they celebrate him not actually dying each year by painting chicken eggs, dressing in life sized rabbit suits, and looking for hidden candy.  Oh and eating ham.  I have to admit, I do take part in the eating ham and candy part.  Guilty pleasure.

It seems if this belief sprung up today it would be seen as just as ridiculous as the crazy shit in the OP.  My favorite part was gifts on December 25th.  And no school.

[DropLogic]

There are people who believe that when their bodies cease to function, their consciousness will magically live on.
I'm not making this up.
They know all sorts of details of this afterlife, even though no one has been there.
They have all sorts of rules that determine who gets there, even though no one has been there.
Apparently some ancient guys wrote it all down 2nd, 3rd or what ever hand thousands of years ago.

I think I've heard of this one too.  There's this dude who died, but didn't, and they celebrate him not actually dying each year by painting chicken eggs, dressing in life sized rabbit suits, and looking for hidden candy.  Oh and eating ham.  I have to admit, I do take part in the eating ham and candy part.  Guilty pleasure.

It seems if this belief sprung up today it would be seen as just as ridiculous as the crazy shit in the OP.  My favorite part was gifts on December 25th.  And no school.

FSM seems to be doing fairly well...  

[necrobitsch]

There are people who believe that when their bodies cease to function, their consciousness will magically live on.
I'm not making this up.
They know all sorts of details of this afterlife, even though no one has been there.
They have all sorts of rules that determine who gets there, even though no one has been there.
Apparently some ancient guys wrote it all down 2nd, 3rd or what ever hand thousands of years ago.

Well, if it's thousands of years old it MUST be true...

Oh. Wait.

[Ultima22689]

My brain hurts from the stupid. >_<