My personal religious meme resists

[SuperGabagool]

I was born a Mormon. I was raised in an environment where my very reality was defined by mythology. From morning till night my day was filled with the programming that is so prevalent in our society. By night my dreams were filled with stories from the scriptures as well as nightmares of the punishment that awaited us.

I kind of fell away from mormonism from age 20-30. I didn't stop believing completely but I was not living the tenants taught by the mormon church.

At age thirty I found my way back into mormonism and was made an Elder in the church. This is the highest level in the priesthood that is offered by the mormon religion. Upon becoming an Elder in the church you are eligible to enter into the mormon temple and experience the temple rituals that are available there.

Of course I went to the temple and was HORRIFIED to find out that the rituals that were supposed to be the most sacred, godly and wondrous gifts given to man directly from god were just silly, ludicrous, fundamentally goofy junk. It broke my heart.

Reeling from this I started to investigate the history of the mormon church. Of course the weight of the evidence debunking the mormon church is enormous. It took me very little time at all to realize that it was junk. Unfortunately, much of the debunking of the mormon church comes from fundamentalist christian groups. Guess what, I was born again later that year.

My head was filled with the scriptures, I felt that all of my sins were forgiven by a loving god, I felt wonderful. I delved into the bible head first. I attended all the meetings offered by my church group. I did service, I did bible studies, I dug into whatever was available.

Well, once again the more that I got into the MEAT of the religion it started to come apart at the seams. The more I read the bible, the more the viciousness of it started to disgust me. The more I read of the bible the more it didn't line up with common sense thinking or science. Once again my myth-based reality was unraveling. I furiously read the bible and prayed. The bible and my pastor said to "read and pray", "read and pray". And I did exactly that. But the more I read the more I discovered the twisted and silly nature of the bible. The more I prayed the more I realized that there were no answers.

During this time I heard of The God Delusion. I was set free. I was immersed in a community that had been through the types of things that I had been through. I read the books of the heroes of atheism as well as some great books on basic science. I was leaving the mythology behind and getting on board with reality. I spent a lot of time being involved. Over a couple of years I stopped being engaged in reading modern philosophy, in reading science, in being engaged with the atheist community, etc. I felt like I got it, that I was freed up from my history of mythology and that life was what it was. Not always good, not always bad, not blessed or controlled, but just life. I was ok with dying a real death, I was thrilled by science, I was getting IT.

Anyway, enough of my history. Summary: For most of my life I was brainwashed for a couple of years I wasn't.

Last week I had a problem of career threatening proportions. If I could not get this problem fixed then I was screwed. I mean totally screwed. I prayed. Just a little prayer. But I prayed. Of course the problem worked itself out, the problem was fixed my career was saved.

Do I believe in the power of prayer, absolutely not. The mental path I was on when I uttered that little prayer led me to the fix. The thing that is terrible to me is that I prayed. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! I'm just kind of embarrassed.

Does the bullshit never end? Does this brainwashing never stop? I hear the rational responders talk about the mental illness of religious thinking and wonder if I'm perma-fucked because of the programming that I've been through.

It is obvious to me that I need to stay engaged with folks that have been through what I've been through, that I need to be reading and loving on things that are real.

Anyway, there is my "confession". Has anyone else been through anything like this?

[Cecilie]

Welcome to HAF. I can see that you've had quite a journey leading up to your atheism.

Anyway, there is my "confession". Has anyone else been through anything like this?

Personally, not the least.  

[pinkocommie]

Welcome to the forum!  I've never been through the process of losing faith, but if it makes you feel any better, I highly doubt you're perma-fucked.  

[KDbeads]

I was 'deprogrammed' in my late teens/early twenties from a fundamentalist pentecostal group.  Was told to read and pray like you.... that was my undoing in terms of religion.  I read it and was not impressed, too many things not lining up, making sense or down right contradicting each other.

The power of prayer is comfort and a positive attitude that it will be fixed, whatever it is.  At least this is my thought on prayer.  I talk to my animals, books, fabric, etc when I'm feeling overly stressed.  Helps me cope.  You could call it prayer as long as you see it for what it is, a coping mechanism.

You are not fucked up..... just enduring the deprogramming phase

[xSilverPhinx]

Hey, welcome to the forums!

Firstly, I don't think you should worry too much about your 'relapse' into praying mode. It can be a quite normal thing when you find yourself in a desperate situation that you have little or no control over. You do whatever you can to give you any illusion of control, and that's what praying is, an illusion which can be better than utter helplessness in some situations.

Since the thing which caused you to feel helpless was your career, which obviously is no small matter, then you praying for it to be worked out is absolutely understandable.

Christ, I feel sort of like a magazine columnist giving people cheap advice...  

Secondly, I'm curious: what were the Mormon rituals like?

[SuperGabagool]

These are a couple of great links that talk about many of the mormon rituals.

The one that shocked me out of the church was the "temple endowment" cermony.

http://home.teleport.com/~packham/temples.htm#BAPTISM

http://home.teleport.com/~packham/endow05.htm

[philosoraptor]

I was raised Methodist by a former pastor and a mother who came from a Catholic family.  I was 15 when I decided that the just and loving God everyone always talked about didn't really seem anything like the God of the Bible.  Coming apart at the seams is a good way to describe it.  For a few years after that, I still felt twinges, wondering if I had made the right decision leaving my faith, but now I'm much more comfortable in that decision.

Welcome to HAF.

[elliebean]

Welcome to the forums!  

[_7654_]

The more exquisite the journey, the brighter and stronger the Atheist. Welcome, and congratulations for arriving in style. I enjoyed your de-conversion story, and i would say, don't bother with the prayer thingy. Sometimes bad habits linger for a bit, but they are no more than a bad habit. It's like chewing on your fingernails, eventually you will loose the affinity to do it :-)

[Tank]

I was born a Mormon.{snip fascinating introduction}

Which you now know not to be true!  

Welcome aboard!


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[The Black Jester]

Wonderful introduciton - I wound a long and crooked path on my way to atheism as well, which included relapses into superstitious thinking.  You have to get used to facing reality as it is, not as you wish it to be.  Takes practice for some.  Even after I stopped believing, I would sometimes say the St. Francis prayer, not because I thought there was anyone listening, or that I thought it was tapping into anything supernatural, but just because I thought it a good meditation on qualities I wanted to encourage in myself.  But I eventually gave that up, and wrote my own meditation, in my own words, on the qualities I would like to cultivate in myself.  I still read it outloud sometimes, just as a reminder of where I would like to go.

[Gawen]

Do I believe in the power of prayer, absolutely not. The mental path I was on when I uttered that little prayer led me to the fix. The thing that is terrible to me is that I prayed. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! I'm just kind of embarrassed.

Eh...so you fell off the wagon. I see you got back on. But....if you have a next time of falling off the wagon, try praying to a different deity and see if that fixes your problem as well.

Does the bullshit never end? Does this brainwashing never stop?

Yup. The longer away from the brainwashing, the easier it gets.

I hear the rational responders talk about the mental illness of religious thinking and wonder if I'm perma-fucked because of the programming that I've been through.

Well, when all hope seems gone and there's nothing for it but suffer whatever consequences you've gotten into, sometimes, even the most staunch atheist will revert to falling off that wagon. People will reach to whatever they think at the time for help. Sometimes they're reaching into never never land.

It is obvious to me that I need to stay engaged with folks that have been through what I've been through, that I need to be reading and loving on things that are real.

It surely would help...*chucklin*

Anyway, there is my "confession". Has anyone else been through anything like this?

Not me. I was one of the lucky few that went through no deconversion.

[jimmorrisonbabe]

You are not perma-fucked, SuperGabagool, and from reading what you've been through and how you've come to realize mostly by yourself that religion is bull, you're far from it - even through establishing the fact that prayer is useless shows you're on the path to Atheism [ i hope that didn't sound too militant ].

You don't need to worry about one little prayer, though - even hardcore atheists can be inclined to doing that in really stressful situations. Gosh, maybe religion is kinda hard-wired into our brains? It is kinda worrying to think, but don't worry, I think everyone thinks supersticiously sometimes and jumps to these things, it does not make you religious at all!

And in terms of going through stuff like this - I have never followed any religion, I was raised by atheist parents and consider myself to be an atheist, but i have been through many phases recently in which i've been obsessed with a personal experience [nothing like a miracle, just a coincidence] that happened to me at birth and thinking there was some kind of 'higher power' at work, but i'm getting better at tackling these obsessions, and i think it may be due to more of an underlying cognitive problem than a belief. It's a long story, and i've posted about it on the forum if you'd like to know it, but you don't have to cus it's quite long and very illogical