Long Lost Bible Passages Discovered Behind Vatican Sofa

[Caligula's Ghost]

Representatives of the Roman Catholic Church today announced the discovery of several previously unknown New Testament passages, which were found down the back of a sofa at the Vatican. Church officials say the new passages will immediately be added to Catholic doctrine since they provide important guidance on several issues upon which the Bible has hitherto been morally unclear.

Britain’s most senior Catholic, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor, said “You’ll laugh when I tell you this, but it turns out that it’s totally OK for priests to rape young boys after all, because there’s a bit in these new passages where it says ‘Go forth, men of The Lord, and sodomise ye the little children until they squealeth like swine.’ I think you’ll agree that’s pretty unambiguous and there’s certainly no need for any sort of prosecution of people who were only doing what it says in the Bible.”

The new passages, which appear to have been written by ancient scribes on A4 paper using a 12 point Arial font, are said to have originated from the middle east around the period 100-200AD and will now be securely stored in an envelope under the Pope’s mattress.

A Vatican spokesman told us that scholars are still working on fully translating the recovered passages, but that in all likelihood they will “probably say something about AIDS not being as bad as everybody thinks so they should all just shut the fuck up about the condom thing” and that they will “pretty much definitely mention that atheists are a bunch of complete tools who we can blame for almost everything that ever goes wrong in the world.”

http://spin-this.co.uk/2009/05/long-los ... ican-sofa/