I felt like a fool

[Wendy]

I joined this forum a couple months ago when I really started thinking about why I don't believe in a god. I wanted to learn what I could from others who do not believe. I also started asking my Christian friends different questions I had about The Bible and god. I think that in the beginning of my "journey," so to speak, I was angry at god. Then I forced myself to just not believe. I denied him. I was really starting to un-believe just before my 2 year old son broke his arm the end of March. It happened on a Friday night and we had to wait until Tuesday to see an Orthopedist. In the meantime my brother had me pretty freaked out that my son would have to have surgery to fix his arm. So, I started thinking about god, again. I wondered if I needed to pray or should I ask for prayers. I've been through this before as a child, "god, if you do this for me, I promise I will always to to church on Sunday/pray at night/believe in you." I didn't pray. Things turned out fine. He didn't need surgery and his arm is healed now. In the meantime, something happened inside of me. For my Sociology class, I wrote a response paper to a Focus on the Family brochure about gay marriage and was astounded by the arguments they considered to be the best arguments against gay marriage. (They were nothing new or different.)  It brought about a debate between myself and a couple fundie relatives. I started to realistically look at the different types of Christianity that I have been involved in and could not believe that I had wasted so much time and energy. I felt like a fool. Sometimes, when I think about my blind faith and the reasons why I did or did not do things...I just cringe. I just really wanted to share this...kind of like the Christians who tell everyone they asked Jesus into their hearts at the revival last weekend. Despite feeling like I was the recipient of a practical joke, I feel free now.

[PipeBox]

I don't know what I can add to this.  Thanks for typing it, and good on you.

[karadan]

Good for you!

Welcome to the board

[McQ]

I joined this forum a couple months ago when I really started thinking about why I don't believe in a god. I wanted to learn what I could from others who do not believe. I also started asking my Christian friends different questions I had about The Bible and god. I think that in the beginning of my "journey," so to speak, I was angry at god. Then I forced myself to just not believe. I denied him. I was really starting to un-believe just before my 2 year old son broke his arm the end of March. It happened on a Friday night and we had to wait until Tuesday to see an Orthopedist. In the meantime my brother had me pretty freaked out that my son would have to have surgery to fix his arm. So, I started thinking about god, again. I wondered if I needed to pray or should I ask for prayers. I've been through this before as a child, "god, if you do this for me, I promise I will always to to church on Sunday/pray at night/believe in you." I didn't pray. Things turned out fine. He didn't need surgery and his arm is healed now. In the meantime, something happened inside of me. For my Sociology class, I wrote a response paper to a Focus on the Family brochure about gay marriage and was astounded by the arguments they considered to be the best arguments against gay marriage. (They were nothing new or different.)  It brought about a debate between myself and a couple fundie relatives. I started to realistically look at the different types of Christianity that I have been involved in and could not believe that I had wasted so much time and energy. I felt like a fool. Sometimes, when I think about my blind faith and the reasons why I did or did not do things...I just cringe. I just really wanted to share this...kind of like the Christians who tell everyone they asked Jesus into their hearts at the revival last weekend. Despite feeling like I was the recipient of a practical joke, I feel free now.

I hate to say things like, "I understand how you feel.", because they are so cliche.

But I understand how you feel.  

Wasted a lot of years, and spent a lot of time being wrong about life, philosophy, etc. Heck, I even taught bible study classes for both adults and teens for years. No sense kicking yourself forever over this, just learn from it and move forward. By being honest with yourself about this and not hiding or minimalizing it, you'll do much better for yourself and your kids. Never forget all the time you spent believing the way you did, but definitely do NOT beat yourself up over it.

[Sophus]

Being an ex-Christian as well I completely agree. I can't exactly say I am grateful for having been raised to be religious but I think it does make me appreciate the freedom of a secular world all the more. And this helps me understand why some are so reluctant to even consider the possibility that they might be wrong. They don't want to feel foolish for devoting so much time to something that turned out not to be worth anything. Can't say I blame them for that. It's not easy to walk out on a community so influential in ones life without feeling embarrassed or regretful.

Here's to you, Wendy!  

[VanReal]

Quite an experience and very emotionally derived so feeling like a fool is natural but realizing you aren't is a joy!  I've never had a religious conflict that I can compare to this but have spent time devoted to things that I later realized were not "in the cards" for me (the Army, several degree changes in school, two marriages and divorces) so I think it's the things we realize about ourselves along the way that help make things clearer as we go.

Just know that you aren't alone and be happy and proud of yourself for not falling back towards something you can't believe honestly and whole-heartedly.

Congrats!

[joeactor]

Wendy,

Thanks for posting that... at least there's a happy ending!

My transition from Catholic to Agnostic Theist was  more gradual than most.  It's good to see other people's perspective on how and why they changed.

I'm sure there will still be times you'll want to have your old beliefs back.  Feel free to vent, ask questions, or just hang out here.  After all, we're a pretty happy bunch  

Cheers,
JoeActor

[Wendy]

Thanks, you guys.