How is rape harmful?

[Wraitchel]

The pastor-pedophile thread got me thinking about the ways in which rape is harmful. As a rape victim, I have thought about this frequently over the 28 years since it happened to me. I have to admit that the physical harm done to me was minimal, though I was a virgin when it happened. I have known many men who thought that it was normal for a woman's first sexual experience to be against her will, though these same men would not have intentionally committed rape. I suffered a great deal of emotional harm from the experience, though some of the harm had as much to do with my pre-existing emotional immaturity and low self-esteem as it did with the rape itself. I was 15. He was 18. I had wanted to maintain my virginity until I was married. I believed, at the time, that sex before marriage was a sin. I believed that my Father would not love me if I did not remain his innocent little angel. I believed that I had gotten myself into the situation and basically permitted the rape. I believed that I did not have the right to say no. I tried so hard to please everyone because I was the classic enabling daughter of an alcoholic father and a borderline personality disorder mother. As a result, I felt ruined, guilty, dirty, and bad. I told nobody about it. I lost my ability to be around men, any men, and got sick to my stomach even around my own father and brother. It took about 5 years, and the patient friendship of several male peers before I was able to enjoy a romantic relationship, and several more before I really could put it behind me. I am still trying to make men understand that rape is harmful. I know most men will give lip service to that statement, but I still think most are all too ready to blame the victim or dismiss the claim that harm was really done.

I have to add that now that I am older, and have been in a marriage for 13 years, I think of sex differently. It is an act that, ideally, brings two people closer together and tears down the barriers of self-consciousness and mistrust. It bonds two people together in a loving relationship. Rape is using this powerful form of intimacy to invade the victim's trust and sense of self. It is an easy thing to dismiss, but for those of us who understand the potential of sex to create a bond of trust, and also have experienced the misuse of this tool, the importance cannot be ignored.

I'd love to discuss what you all really think of rape. Have you ever convinced someone to have sex with you who really didn't want to? Was it rape? Have you been raped or had sex when you didn't really want to? How does sex harm the victim? When is it the victim's fault, and does that condition nullify the harm or the culpability for the harm?

[Asmodean]

I've had sex when I didn't want to once or twice (not being physically forced, mind you), but in my case, it's like water off a goose. No harm done.  

I guess for me it's not much different from doing something else I'd rather not do against my will. If I was physically forced though, the story might have been different. Might being the key word.

[Will]

I've certainly never raped and I've never been raped.

Rape is a very violent and invasive act. While we don't all believe in god or gods, most of us do attach importance to both the enjoyment sex and reproduction. Rape is not only brutal physically, but also is an attack on something that most believe is, for lack of a better term, sacred.

Also, there's the possibility of unwanted pregnancy, which is something awful to force on a woman.

[Wraitchel]

I've certainly never raped and I've never been raped.

Rape is a very violent and invasive act. While we don't all believe in god or gods, most of us do attach importance to both the enjoyment sex and reproduction. Rape is not only brutal physically, but also is an attack on something that most believe is, for lack of a better term, sacred.

Also, there's the possibility of unwanted pregnancy, which is something awful to force on a woman.

Good point, Willravel. There are also STD's to consider. For these and other reasons, after one has been raped, it is hard to overcome the feeling that a dick in your bed is about as welcome as a rat in your kitchen.

[Will]

Really, I imagine that rape is one of the most harmful things you can do to another human being. Physically, mentally, emotionally; it is in every respect a monstrous attack. Worse still, it strikes me as deeply cowardly. Rape is about stealing power, and generally this is done by a person who cannot earn social power through legitimate means. Rape is cheating, which may not seem important next to the physical and emotional damage, but it gets at the root of the problem.

[Kylyssa]

I sometimes feel like rape and child molestation both have life sentences.  

Traumatic experiences are saved in memory differently than regular memories are.  They are very intense and full of sensory details.  They can be triggered by such innocent things as a smell associated with the assault, a perfectly nice man getting too close, a place, a feeling - just about anything.  And there's really no way to erase the memory or the feelings.

Sexual assaults create at least two separate types of emotional harm.  There is the emotional trauma from the violence and the intense fear one feels in the situation.  Then there is the emotional harm that comes with associating the act with one's own sexuality.  It's difficult to separate those acts of sexual violence from your sexuality.

It has been a rough road reclaiming my sexuality.  For me, taking joy (and spreading joy) in sexuality is the anti-rape.  My revenge is having an amazing, fulfilling sex life and trying to help others to have one too.

Though I've managed to (mostly) separate my sexuality from the assaults on my sexual being, I still suffer from panic attacks, depersonalization and occasional intense self-loathing brought on by flashbacks or subconscious feelings.  Something as simple as the smell of Vaseline, the feel of a sticky vinyl car seat, the sight of a certain scar in the mirror or the scent of rain on hot asphalt can send me into a tizzy.  That bothers me on many levels.  I'm the level-headed one, the first person on the scene to apply a tourniquet, the one to keep my head in an emergency, the one who calms down other people when I'm injured.  I'm also the gentle person, the peacemaker, the nurturer, the lover.  Those assaults on my person and on my sexuality have compromised the person I prefer to be.  I feel humiliated by what they bring out in me.

And I haven't been sexually assaulted in over fifteen years.  

I've also been physically (non-sexually) assaulted a number of times.  There's just no comparing the emotional harm.  There are the feelings of rage and helplessness but my sense of self was never compromised. It sounds weird but I've actually felt good about myself for surviving.  People can see the wounds left by a physically violent assault and they seem to know how to react in response to that.  However, when it comes to the invisible wounds left by rape most people have no clue how to react.  So, quite often, people around you compound the emotional problems caused by rape.

[Wraitchel]

Kylyssa, that was an eloquent and enlightening description of what rape does to a person, including some of the aspects I have had a hard time verbalizing. Thank you.

[Sophus]

Wait... I'm confused now. Were you raped or talk into having sex when you did not want to?

[Wraitchel]

To me, Sophus, there is a fuzzy line at the point between being raped and being convinced to do it when you don't really want to. Legally, I was raped. I said no, and he did it anyway. The lead up matters, though. I had sneaked out in the middle of the night with my best friend and gone skinny dipping with a couple of seniors. My friend and I were freshmen in high school. See why I don't really blame the guy so much? The effect on me was traumatic, though. I really had not expected that to happen. I think most people would say I was asking for it. Really, I was just a sheltered fool. As I said in another post, I was also brought up to believe that I did not have the right to say no to people. Because of that, I did not say no until things had gone pretty far. My fault? I really don't blame the guy. I never told anyone until many years later, and I never did tell him. I just think this is one of the reasons why there are laws against statutory rape.

[Mister Joy]

"asking for it?" It's a bit of an oxymoron to "ask for" rape. If a person gets mugged, we don't say they're more to blame than the mugger because they "looked too loaded." Not if we're sane, in any case. And I don't think it's fair to say that most men would be stupid enough to make that kind of assessment! I like to think that the majority of us have at least that much sense.

When it comes to persuading someone to have sex when they don't really want to, I struggle with the idea because (and I know this doesn't apply to your situation) you can't necessarily tell. In my homosexual adventures, I've come to conclude that a lot of men are utterly inept when it comes to interpreting the emotions of others, and I might be one of them for all I know. They easily mistake fear for simple nervousness, reluctance for shyness, etc. unless that distress gets clearly voiced by the other party. They do it quite innocently, too, because they really are that oblivious. And when the blood runs to the extremities it oft' departs the brain, which doesn't help either. Actually, some women are like that too... I wouldn't say chronic insensitivity is a trait exclusive to men. Anyway, to get back on track, I'd say that in a situation like that, one could make the argument that neither party is morally at fault but both are foolish: the woman for not giving voice to her feelings and the man for being generally unperceptive. It's just bad luck all round there, really. The tricky bit is, how do we actually tell whether or not the guy knew? Claiming misunderstanding is a very easy excuse to make. I don't know if there's an answer to that.

[mDarkPoet]

Speaking from the point of view of someone who has been raped in the past

Usually rape is a violent act, it's not always a guy who's all ready to go with his girlfriend and his girlfriend says no but he does it anyways.

It's an act of power, dominance, control. The man is, in the case of rape, using his dick as a weapon.

Imagine being in a situation where you're yelling and screaming as someone is in the act of hurting you, mentally, physically at times (they're having to hold you down in the process) and can anyone really expect you to brush off being violated, having that power stolen from you, having to be reminded every time you try to pursue sex with the one you love of that incident and wondering if they are going to hurt you.

It's pain beyond imagining, and pain I've endured.

[karadan]

The only experience i have of seeing what rape can do to someone was when i attended a court case for my sociology A-level. It really slapped me in the face as to how damaging to the mind of a person it is. I'll never forget how the poor woman was cross-examined. They brought up lewd stories from her past to try to discredit the motives of the man who raped her and by inferring she was simply a slut. It made me feel quite sick to see someone who'd been through such an ordeal be made to feel so worthless in front of lots of people. The man got off because there wasn't enough evidence.

I'll never forget that. It was a stark learning experience for me.
To all the people in this thread who've been though such an horrific ordeal - you are brave. It is admirable that you are able to speak so matter-of-factly about it. I wish you all the luck and happiness you can glean from life.

[Sophus]

To me, Sophus, there is a fuzzy line at the point between being raped and being convinced to do it when you don't really want to. Legally, I was raped. I said no, and he did it anyway. The lead up matters, though. I had sneaked out in the middle of the night with my best friend and gone skinny dipping with a couple of seniors. My friend and I were freshmen in high school. See why I don't really blame the guy so much? The effect on me was traumatic, though. I really had not expected that to happen. I think most people would say I was asking for it. Really, I was just a sheltered fool. As I said in another post, I was also brought up to believe that I did not have the right to say no to people. Because of that, I did not say no until things had gone pretty far. My fault? I really don't blame the guy. I never told anyone until many years later, and I never did tell him. I just think this is one of the reasons why there are laws against statutory rape.

No, no. Don't get me wrong. I am in no way blaming you. I just got a little lost and was unclear as to whether or not you actually said no. Sometimes things just happen. You don't necessarily have to look for anyone to blame if you don't wish to; you or they guy. I think he's a pig though.

[Wechtlein Uns]

While rationally I understand how rape can be a damaging act to the female psyche, I can't help but feel a cold arrogance towards the victim-like mentality that these women go through. I find it hard to empathize or sympathize with these women have been damaged by rape, and as much as I try not to, still sometimes roll my eyes in exasperation.

I am shocked by how much the woman feels she has to go on feeling sorry for herself or continue berating herself for something that, rationally, can be explained quite easily. The man was either hard up but otherwise amorous, or was simply a loser trying to take out his frustrations of having no power on someone he percieves as weaker than him. In fact, it strikes me as strange that the woman doesn't strike back by twisting the man's fear of having no one: "So, you can't get any girls? Oh, poor baby, is that cause your dick is so small? You're not a real man. It's a good thing I'm a lesbian...ect"

And then there's the 15-year long trauma period. That just reeks of low self-esteem. I try to sympathize, of course. If I know a woman who's been raped, I rationally can understand where she's coming from, but after a week of listening to her self-loathing, honestly wish that she'd see herself not as a victim, but as the wonderful, beautiful, sexy proud woman she deserves to be.

[Kylyssa]

While rationally I understand how rape can be a damaging act to the female psyche, I can't help but feel a cold arrogance towards the victim-like mentality that these women go through. I find it hard to empathize or sympathize with these women have been damaged by rape, and as much as I try not to, still sometimes roll my eyes in exasperation.

I am shocked by how much the woman feels she has to go on feeling sorry for herself or continue berating herself for something that, rationally, can be explained quite easily. The man was either hard up but otherwise amorous, or was simply a loser trying to take out his frustrations of having no power on someone he percieves as weaker than him. In fact, it strikes me as strange that the woman doesn't strike back by twisting the man's fear of having no one: "So, you can't get any girls? Oh, poor baby, is that cause your dick is so small? You're not a real man. It's a good thing I'm a lesbian...ect"

And then there's the 15-year long trauma period. That just reeks of low self-esteem. I try to sympathize, of course. If I know a woman who's been raped, I rationally can understand where she's coming from, but after a week of listening to her self-loathing, honestly wish that she'd see herself not as a victim, but as the wonderful, beautiful, sexy proud woman she deserves to be.

So you figure if you'd been repeatedly molested as a child and raped several times as an adult, receiving life-threatening and crippling injuries you wouldn't ever have any flashbacks or feel weird in situations that reminded you of the horrific pain and fear?  If your skull were fractured and one of your ribs punched into your lung then someone got on top of you and stuck his penis in you, you'd just shrug it off?