Post funny variations of biblical sayings!

[Wechtlein Uns]

I'll go first:

"And the peoples rejoiced towards their god, and feasted upon the lambs, and the chickens, and the ducks, and the antelopes, and the slothes, and the..."

"Joshua saw the lord upon the mountain, and(in a convenient allusion to the rise of feminism), promptly 'circumsized' himself. This he dideth ten times, and ten more times after that. And after than, another ten times. Ten times later..."

[chuff]

I'll go first:

"And the peoples rejoiced towards their god, and feasted upon the lambs, and the chickens, and the ducks, and the antelopes, and the slothes, and the..."

"Joshua saw the lord upon the mountain, and(in a convenient allusion to the rise of feminism), promptly 'circumsized' himself. This he dideth ten times, and ten more times after that. And after than, another ten times. Ten times later..."

I thought it was "they feasted on the lambs, the slothes, fruit bats, breakfast cereals, orangutans..."

FIVE IS RIGHT OUT!

[Tom62]

Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren. And Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram; and they all lived happily ever after.

[Kyuuketsuki]

The Death Of Jesus
At the sixth hour darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour. And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"â€"which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" When some of those standing near heard this, they said, "Listen, he's calling Elijah."

One man ran, filled a sponge with wine vinegar, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jesus to drink. "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to take him down" he said. Then Jesus began to say something, the man lent closer and heard, "Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad, other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble, give a whistle and this'll help things turn out for the best..."

I'm sure you know the rest  

Kyu

[PipeBox]

This taken from a reddit thread about why God lets bad things happen, and how he's actually a total asshole.  What started as honest philosophy ended up at:

"Thou shalt imbibe the suffering, thy pansy ass bitch" Book of Irrelevation, 2:4, 5, letter 3, revision 4.104a

I wanted to mention it should be thou in the place of thy, but I guess it makes it even more humorous when read "You can and will endure the suffering, even your pansy ass, bitch."  

[Tom62]

This sketch from Rowan Atkinson fits the topic of this thread pretty well
[youtube:1v9riegh]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTzXJMU1sLc[/youtube:1v9riegh]

[joeactor]

This sketch from Rowan Atkinson fits the topic of this thread pretty well

Great bit!  I've used that one as my comedy monologue in the past!

"Cleft Her In Twain!" I tell you!!!

JoeActor

"Do Not Meddle in the Affairs of Wizards, for They are Crunchy and Go Soggy in Milk..."