Saying 'No' And Setting Boundaries

[xSilverPhinx]

The question relating to this thread is simple: how do you say 'no' to people you want to please?

I know what my problem is: I'm too nice to people I consider friends. Nice means doing practically anything that is asked of me, whether I can fit it in my increasingly busy schedule or not. Part of me believes this behaviour is maladaptive. On the other hand, I keep telling myself that I help others so that when the time comes, they help me. That is, when I ask for help, which almost never.   

So yeah, I'm stuck in this loop in which both tasks and frustration pile up. I'm stressed out but I feel can't back down when I've told someone that I will help them, that to me would be as bad as breaking a promise.

My to-do list is short, it only has 'everything' written on it. Maybe I ought to ask others for help more, like I do here.   



A picture is worth a thousand words they say...there are thousands upon thousands of words that I said I would translate or revise...deadlines, deadlines and deadlines! 

[Crow]

I can help on this as I use to have this problem.

The solution is asking for money. I have quite a unique tool set within my industry and a lot of friends that liked to use them and I was happy to help. After becoming completely overwhelmed by working ridiculous hours and not taking a day off for about two years which resulted in a colossus burnout, I decided if anyone wants my time that has anything even remotely related to anything that isn't leisure they have to pay for it (as well as refining other elements to do with the existing paid work).

A friend wants to have you look over a proposal? If you want to say yes then you say it has to fit into your schedule which might not be until the end of the month, if they want it to a time frame they have to pay for that and that fits into your professional rate. A client wants work for tomorrow? triple your rate for a rush job, you will still get those jobs but they will quickly disappear and the ones you do get will cover the costs of losing the others.

When it comes to people asking for help you say "I would love to help however I have work booked in already, if you need it bad enough then you have to cover the cost of the work booked in".

Also setting up a strict work schedule is very beneficial. By restricting your hours of work you create more free time for yourself and if people want you to do stuff for them in outside these scheduled hours then up your rates during those times.

If you are still getting too much work then up your rates even more. I know a few people that charge a few thousand a day (the most is an independent photographer that charges 10k) and is about finding the right balance between what clients are prepared to pay and what you are prepared to work, the more in demand you become the more you charge.

[Sandra Craft]

I used to have this problem as well, and you probably won't like what solved it for me: growing old.  Honestly, after 50 I found it much easier to say "no", with excuses, and after 60 to say "no" without excuses.  But I assume you want advice that works before you live long enough to reach the "too tired to give a fuck" stage, so I'd go with Crow's idea.  Even if they agree to pay and you still have to do it, at least you'll have some cash to show for your trouble.

[Magdalena]

Crow: Good advice, I like it. 


xSilverPhinx:
How about picking only a handful of 'true' friends from your list of people you consider your friends, and continue doing what you do. You can start practicing saying no to the ones who...well... might not be there for you when you need them, if you ever need them--Only you know who those are.

Someone who is nice and does practically anything that is asked of her, whether she can fit it in her increasingly busy schedule or not. Feels she can't back down when she's told someone that she will help them because that would be like breaking a promise, and never asks for anything in return...should be...I was going to say, 'worshipped' but that's a silly word...the right word is appreciated, someone like that should be appreciated, and only a few should have the privilege of being in her life.

Do what you have to do and do what you want to do with your precious time and give those 'true' friends whatever's left of it. 

I had that problem a long time ago. I remember when I started saying, "no" people were shocked. One said I was rude, the other one said, "Boy! You have no problem saying, 'no', do you?"

[Tank]

"I'd really love to help you with this xSilverPhinx, but I'm dreadfully sorry, I just don't have time in my schedule at the moment."

[xSilverPhinx]

I can help on this as I use to have this problem.

The solution is asking for money. I have quite a unique tool set within my industry and a lot of friends that liked to use them and I was happy to help. After becoming completely overwhelmed by working ridiculous hours and not taking a day off for about two years which resulted in a colossus burnout, I decided if anyone wants my time that has anything even remotely related to anything that isn't leisure they have to pay for it (as well as refining other elements to do with the existing paid work).

A friend wants to have you look over a proposal? If you want to say yes then you say it has to fit into your schedule which might not be until the end of the month, if they want it to a time frame they have to pay for that and that fits into your professional rate. A client wants work for tomorrow? triple your rate for a rush job, you will still get those jobs but they will quickly disappear and the ones you do get will cover the costs of losing the others.

When it comes to people asking for help you say "I would love to help however I have work booked in already, if you need it bad enough then you have to cover the cost of the work booked in".

Also setting up a strict work schedule is very beneficial. By restricting your hours of work you create more free time for yourself and if people want you to do stuff for them in outside these scheduled hours then up your rates during those times.

If you are still getting too much work then up your rates even more. I know a few people that charge a few thousand a day (the most is an independent photographer that charges 10k) and is about finding the right balance between what clients are prepared to pay and what you are prepared to work, the more in demand you become the more you charge.

That's an excellent idea. However, the plot thickens.

When the first of them came to me asking for my help she even offered to pay. Me, being the dumb fool that I am, told her not to worry about it.  Now there's a precedent. I should have accepted a symbolic fee. These days it seems like there are hordes of them, coming in waves, asking for my help all the time and I keep saying 'sure!' to all of them like a broken record.   

I could just flat out charge double or triple regardless of the urgency and see if they continue. 

[xSilverPhinx]

I used to have this problem as well, and you probably won't like what solved it for me: growing old.  Honestly, after 50 I found it much easier to say "no", with excuses, and after 60 to say "no" without excuses.  But I assume you want advice that works before you live long enough to reach the "too tired to give a fuck" stage, so I'd go with Crow's idea.  Even if they agree to pay and you still have to do it, at least you'll have some cash to show for your trouble.

Maybe I just have to fully convince myself that I already am "too tired to give a fuck".  Everyone can have weird beliefs from time to time and in my case believing that I can do 100 things at once is one of them.

Maladaptive, for sure.

[xSilverPhinx]

xSilverPhinx:
How about picking only a handful of 'true' friends from your list of people you consider your friends, and continue doing what you do. You can start practicing saying no to the ones who...well... might not be there for you when you need them, if you ever need them--Only you know who those are.

Yep, good advice.

Someone who is nice and does practically anything that is asked of her, whether she can fit it in her increasingly busy schedule or not. Feels she can't back down when she's told someone that she will help them because that would be like breaking a promise, and never asks for anything in return...should be...I was going to say, 'worshipped' but that's a silly word...the right word is appreciated, someone like that should be appreciated, and only a few should have the privilege of being in her life.

Aaaww Mags. I agree. Teehee! 

Seriously now, you should never say someone other than the Asmo should be worshipped, you might incur his wrath!

Do what you have to do and do what you want to do with your precious time and give those 'true' friends whatever's left of it. 

I had that problem a long time ago. I remember when I started saying, "no" people were shocked. One said I was rude, the other one said, "Boy! You have no problem saying, 'no', do you?"

In my experience, those that make you feel like you're walking on eggshells are not worth the time. 

[xSilverPhinx]

"I'd really love to help you with this xSilverPhinx, but I'm dreadfully sorry, I just don't have time in my schedule at the moment."

[Tank]

"I'd really love to help you with this xSilverPhinx, but I'm dreadfully sorry, I just don't have time in my schedule at the moment."

I'm dreadfully sorry but I really don't have time to deal with this.

[Crow]

That's an excellent idea. However, the plot thickens.

When the first of them came to me asking for my help she even offered to pay. Me, being the dumb fool that I am, told her not to worry about it.  Now there's a precedent. I should have accepted a symbolic fee. These days it seems like there are hordes of them, coming in waves, asking for my help all the time and I keep saying 'sure!' to all of them like a broken record.   

I could just flat out charge double or triple regardless of the urgency and see if they continue. 

As long as you explain that your situation has changed and have had to reassess your rates people are often fine with that. Plus the ones that do drop off are covered by your inflated prices. Less work, more money. If they don't drop off pocket the money and take a few months out when you have enough saved up.

Once you get use to asking for money and checking your scheduled you will still sound like a broken record but instead of "sure" it will be "fuck you, pay me!" as you chase down all the monies you are owed.

[xSilverPhinx]

"I'd really love to help you with this xSilverPhinx, but I'm dreadfully sorry, I just don't have time in my schedule at the moment."

I'm dreadfully sorry but I really don't have time to deal with this.

[xSilverPhinx]

As long as you explain that your situation has changed and have had to reassess your rates people are often fine with that. Plus the ones that do drop off are covered by your inflated prices. Less work, more money. If they don't drop off pocket the money and take a few months out when you have enough saved up.

Once you get use to asking for money and checking your scheduled you will still sound like a broken record but instead of "sure" it will be "fuck you, pay me!" as you chase down all the monies you are owed.

Yeah I'll definitely give that a try. More cash to spend is always welcome. 

[Asmodean Prime]

"I'd really love to help you with this xSilverPhinx, but I'm dreadfully sorry, I just don't have time in my schedule at the moment."

I'm dreadfully sorry but I really don't have time to deal with this.

Neither does His Omnigrumpiliciousness, but He refuses to be sorry for that. Not even the dreadful kind of sorrow, which He is a God of. 

[Claireliontamer]

I have no advice as I'm terrible at this myself and if anything I've got worse as I've got older. If you find the secret, let me know!