A story.

[Mister Joy]

Nout much to do with atheism, but I'm trying to gain some second opinions on this latest short story of mine. It's finished now and I'm on the editing stage; I've shown it to a lot of people already but thought, hey, why not give the internet a go. It's a horror about a family who get in trouble with some local drug dealers, who in turn begin to unleash a series of increasingly violent and acts upon them. The focus and main character of it is the kid (implied to be very young; oblivious, at first, to what's going on). Basically, the undercurrent of the story is the steady disintegration of innocence and the onset of doubt, misery and fear. Classic formula really... mainly because it's something that happens to everyone over time: you start off with the world as you're oyster and then gradually, as its complexity dawns upon you, you begin to see suffering and injustice everywhere. This comes with other burdens like responsibility and a greater moral understanding.

I'm hoping that it starts off extremely bright and easy going (though laced with symbolism and small hints), then becomes increasingly painful to read as it goes on until by the end there's a sense of total loss and degeneration. The uglier side of things that were at first represented by very vague symbolism have become increasingly obvious throughout and by the end they're not symbolism at all; just blunt harsh reality. Some people just aren't picking this undercurrent up though; they just see it as an exercise in the gratuitous and ask me why I made the kid the focus instead of one of the parents (which makes the actual politics of what's going on very vague and hard to understand). Admittedly, these people have been some of my dimmer friends who can only really understand a point when it's injected directly into their brain with a foot-long syringe (good times), but it's still a sign that more work needs to be done.

Anyhoo, I'm rambling on. Here's a bit of the opening. It's a little sketchy because I haven't really done much proof reading at all, so there may be one or two typos. You tell me if you think it's bright and cheerful enough, or too much, or whatever:

Andy was woken from his slumber at around seven o’clock. The buzzing voices of his parents downstairs drew him gracefully from the fruitful Eden of his dreams. They went chatter buzz chatter buzz â€" all impressively important and very busy words â€" and slammed the front door behind them as they left the house. Still only semiconscious, he pondered his typical method of waking up, which generally consisted of swinging his feet out & allowing a little blood to enter the legs before he stood on them. Using his ingenuity for applying odd little twists to mundane scenarios, however, he instead did a forward roll under the blanket, crawled the rest of the way & emerged headfirst at the foot of the bed, with a sleepy but triumphant grin.

       â€œThere we are, told you he’d be up.” Rithum the stuffed giraffe observed as Andy plodded into the kitchen fiddling with his uncontrolled brown hair. She sat next to Rev-Rav atop one of the high cupboards, out of reach, looking down at him with her shiny plastic eyes. Rev-Rav didn’t say anything, although he did issue an abrupt grunt â€" presumably on the brink of going back to sleep. He was a gnarly old goat of a biscuit tin with chipping paint and an unhealthy love of Bassets Liquorice Allsorts (of which Rithum frequently complained).
Idle imaginings that Rithum and Rev-Rav were alive was another of Andy’s private little games. He had no idea how it came about.
       â€œMorning Andrew. You look sparky today!” he make-believed the giraffe greeting him as he plodded across the yellow linoleum towards the cereal cupboard.
       â€œYeah. I slept lots,” he replied, smiling half at Rithum and half at his own inanity, before extracted a box of muesli and moving off again to fetch a plastic cereal bowl, a spoon and a bottle of milk.
       His parents had left the radio on, creating a soft ambient twitter of distant voices that blended smoothly with the sound of birds chirping away outside. The small crystal dolphin hanging over the window cast rainbow patterns across the opposite wall with the cool morning sunlight.

I want it all happy happy happy. Beautiful morning, et cetera. Andy focusses on things like rainbow patterns on walls and stuffed giraffes on cupboards, not nagging inconveniences, and as such the world seems a chirpier place through perspective alone. I re-write this exact scenario in a far bleaker light later on.

Incidentally, Rev-Rav = Var-Ver & Rithom = Mothir. Bassets liquorice allsorts (they're a popular type of 'candy' in the UK) = guess what. Those two pop up every now and again and are childish stick figure representations of his parents that become increasingly distorted, complex and unpleasant. Eventually, Andy stops pretending. He finds that his imagination no longer works in his favour.

Cheers in advance for any feedback.

[LARA]

I have to say I like your writing.  Is it happy happy happy?  I don't know.  It seems realistically happy and serene if you are looking from a child's point of view, and comfortable.  If you were trying to go for the sacharine or comical I didn't get that, but maybe that's not what you were trying to convey.  It's definitely not over the top, just kind of a childlike and innocent happiness.  Are you going to post a link later so I can read of the promised destruction of his dreamy innocence?

[Mister Joy]

Ta muchly.

Is it happy happy happy? I don't know. It seems realistically happy and serene if you are looking from a child's point of view, and comfortable.

Brill, that's what I was going for.

If you were trying to go for the sacharine or comical I didn't get that, but maybe that's not what you were trying to convey.

No, just idle carefreeness. I'm thinking about moving the first intro to Rev and Rith to later on though, or changing the way they're introduced. The way they jump in is a tad too surreal and it takes far too long to give the understanding that Andy's not schizophrenic, he's just mucking about. So it could  easily be interpreted as either surrealism or comedy. If it were one or the other I wouldn't mind but this way is confusing.

That's mainly the reason I posted just the intro; it's the bit I'm least happy with. Not very good at starting. That is to say, I don't like wasting time with too much explanation and I tend to dive in head first so the reader ends up getting a bit disorientated. I'll make things deliberately confusing to begin with and then start to piece them together as we take off. Or rather it started out as a deliberate effect - now I have to work hard not to do it. It works fine with some openings but it counteracts the peaceful effect I'm trying to create here.

Are you going to post a link later so I can read of the promised destruction of his dreamy innocence?

Possibly. After I've done more work on it... and when I've thought of a new title. The one I have now ("A Jar of Moonbeams" - in reference to the song Would You Like to Swing on a Star) I'm not so happy with.

[myleviathan]

Hey, Mister Joy - just so you know - I'm thrilled that you're a writer, because I love your posts. I really appreciate the way you're able to string words together. I've thought many times if you're not a writer, you should be. Well here's my two cents:

The first sentence in any work in my opinion is that it needs to grab the reader. I'm not sure that I'm grabbed by the factual time of Andy's awakening. It's a little too matter of fact.

However I love the "fruitful eden of dreams" description. Andy wakes up (Andy's my name by the way), and hears his parents, which should be a comforting sound, but instead they're buzzing. I don't find buzzing very comfortable or happy or ambient. It reminds me of insects, or an alarm clock or something. Maybe use a more comfortable description for their voices? I really like Andy's sumersault in the opening paragraph because it conveys a sense of motion to the sounds, sights, feelings - it's meta-perceptual.

I'm not sure if I get the talking stuffed animals. You might convey the innocence and playfulness of the boy without giving the animals a dialog. I found it kind of distracting from the scene you're creating. Or, make it clear that Andy is the source of dialogue and not the animals. I like when Andy replies "I slept lots." It gives you a sense of his age. It's direct and kind of immature and innocent. I also love the description of the sounds of the radio and the birds chirping.

But overall, it does convey an overall sense of peace and tranquility. Makes me feel bad for Andy. If I knew what was going to happen it might make me not want to read anymore! I get your overall theme of innocence to complete loss of control, and this is just the beginning, but the beginning is a time to build up some tension too. Maybe some subtle clues that only make sense at the end??

Sorry if I just went crazy all over this. I enjoy criticism, and I wish you the best in your work!

[Mister Joy]

Hey, Mister Joy - just so you know - I'm thrilled that you're a writer, because I love your posts. I really appreciate the way you're able to string words together. I've thought many times if you're not a writer, you should be.

  It needs to be softened up a little to make people think of summer and honey rather than nasty stinging sensations, methinks.

I'm not sure if I get the talking stuffed animals. You might convey the innocence and playfulness of the boy without giving the animals a dialog. I found it kind of distracting from the scene you're creating. Or, make it clear that Andy is making the dialogue and not the animals.

Agreed.

But overall, it does convey an overall sense of peace and tranquility. Makes me feel bad for Andy. If I knew what was going to happen it might make me not want to read anymore!

It's pretty nasty in places... but hopefully thought provoking. A friend of mine now wants us to get a bunch of people together and make a short independent film adaptation. He reckons it wouldn't require much of a budget and only a handful of actors. I'm not entirely convinced... I doubt it'll work that well in film but it still sounds like a fun thing to do, even if it doesn't. So, if we can be bothered to enact that plan, I'll be posting a link to the video. Also, I'll be playing a minor antagonist called Rupe (I decided this because he was particularly enjoyable to write). One problem there, though, is that Rupe is Australian/English in the story (he's described as having an unstable, wavering, multi-accented voice)... and I can't pull off an Australian accent to save my life, let alone a semi-Australian accent. There are a lot of things that wont be able to come through in this potential project, both large and small.

[SteveS]

I love short stories in general --- without a lot of time for mucking about they just reach right in, grab your heart, and give it a good twist.  For what its worth, I think your opening is effective as you've described the purpose, and its making me want to read the rest!

Andy focusses on things like rainbow patterns on walls and stuffed giraffes on cupboards, not nagging inconveniences, and as such the world seems a chirpier place through perspective alone. I re-write this exact scenario in a far bleaker light later on.

Hehe, I like where this is going.  Sounds great --- I for one would really like to know what happens!  This is what I mean about good short stories --- they sort of have to be emotional cherry bombs.  Seems like a great setup.....