This is what Believers think awaits them in Heaven

[MadBomr101]

Need a good laugh? Just ask a believer what they think Heaven will be like.

About a year ago I joined the Xian Forums because I wanted to ask some questions directly of the faithful. The thing I most wanted answered was "How do you envision Heaven?" The answers were, on the whole, absurd but that didn't dissuade any of them from believing that it was real.

Some of the more memorable ideas they offered were:

-- In Heaven, food is made of light. So there's no fat or calories and you can eat as much as you want and never gain weight. I asked, but what if you really want a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac? I was told that you can have a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac but they'll be made of light. I asked what does food made of light taste like and was told it tastes just like it does down here but without the fat or calories. I also asked how do you know any of that is true? She replied that she felt it in her heart and that was a sign that GOD was telling her himself.

Also, why would a spirit being need to eat at all? Does food made of light have any nutritional value? Why would a spirit being need nutrition? Does food made of light get digested? If so, how does a spirit being digest food if digestion and nutrition are requirements only of a living organism?

I have to wonder too if the grocery stores where you buy this illusory food is also made of light or is it a bricks & mortar building that sells imaginary food? Maybe God delivers it magically to your doorstep or possibly you just have to think to yourself "I want a box or Rice-a-Roni." and it just appears.

So many more questions.

-- In Heaven everyone gets their own mortgage free mansion. So there's free housing for everyone in Heaven? I had to wonder why would a non-corporeal spirit being need housing? "Because everyone needs a place to live." was the reply which completely missed the point of the question.  Some of them said they would all get a free luxury apartment or condo but it's the same idea -- free luxurious housing.

-- In Heaven, you can FLY! One woman stated she was most excited for the gift of flight that she would enjoy as a resident of Heaven. I responded with "So you can just leap off the roof of your free luxury condo in Heaven and start flying around like Superman?" "Yes." was her answer.

-- In Heaven, you can do anything you want just like you could on Earth. This means, if you loved to fish, or rebuild classic cars, or play the piano while you were alive, you can still do those things in Heaven after you're dead which means there's stuff like fishing boats, pianos, and auto supply stores, not to mention cars in Heaven.

Believers just make up anything they like then believe their own delusions because fuck reason or reality.

I only lasted about a month among the Xians before they banned me for making a post that made fun of what a scumbag Trump is. They had no issue with my arguments against the existence of God but they wouldn't put up with any disrespect for their marmalade colored messiah.

Post 3 of 25

[Old Seer]

Need a good laugh? Just ask a believer what they think Heaven will be like.

About a year ago I joined the Xian Forums because I wanted to ask some questions directly of the faithful. The thing I most wanted answered was "How do you envision Heaven?" The answers were, on the whole, absurd but that didn't dissuade any of them from believing that it was real.

Some of the more memorable ideas they offered were:

-- In Heaven, food is made of light so there's no fat or calories and you can eat as much as you want and never gain weight. I asked, what if you really want a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac? I was told that you can have a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac but they'll be made of light. I asked what does food made of light taste like and was told it tastes just like it does down here but without the fat or calories. I also asked how do you know any of that is true? She replied that she felt it in her heart and that was a sign that GOD was telling her himself.

Also, why would a spirit being need to eat at all? Does food made of light have any nutritional value? Why would a spirit being need nutrition? Does food made of light get digested? If so, how does a spirit being digest food if digestion and nutrition are requirements only of a living organism?

I have to wonder too if the grocery stores where you buy this illusory food is also made of light or is it a bricks & mortar building that sells imaginary food? Maybe God delivers it magically to your doorstep or possibly you just have to think to yourself "I want a box or Rice-a-Roni." and it just appears.

So many more questions.

-- In Heaven everyone gets their own mortgage free mansion. So there's free housing for everyone in Heaven? I had to wonder why would a non-corporeal spirit being need housing? "Because everyone needs a place to live." was the reply which completely missed the point of the question.  Some of them said they would all get a free luxury apartment or condo but it's the same idea -- free luxurious housing.

-- In Heaven, you can FLY! One woman stated she was most excited for the gift of flight that she would enjoy as a resident of Heaven. I responded with "So you can just leap off the roof of your free luxury condo in Heaven and start flying around like Superman?" "Yes." was her answer.

-- In Heaven, you can do anything you want just like you could on Earth. This means, if you loved to fish, or rebuild classic cars, or play the piano while you were alive, you can still do those things in Heaven after you're dead which means there's stuff like fishing boats, pianos, and auto supply stores, not to mention cars in Heaven.

Believers just make up anything they like then believe their own delusions because fuck reason or reality.

I only lasted about a month among the Xians before they banned me for making a post that made fun of what a scumbag Trump is. They had no issue with my arguments against the existence of God but they wouldn't put up with any disrespect for their marmalade colored messiah.

Post 3 of 25

Here's another take on it. https://sites.google.com/site/oldseers

[Papasito Bruno]

I've posted this video in other areas of this forum before, so I know most everyone here has seen it before, but it is an oldie and a goodie, and I think an appropriate musing on what awaits us in heaven or hell.

(Heaven part is toward the end of video)

[MadBomr101]

I've posted this video in other areas of this forum before, so I know most everyone here has seen it before, but it is an oldie and a goodie, and I think an appropriate musing on what awaits us in heaven or hell.

(Heaven part is toward the end of video)

Yeah, I'm familiar with Jim Jeffries comedy and his stand on religion. I fully agree with him on all of it, including the profanity.

[Asmodean]

After a few thousand years of doing everything one considers worth doing to the point of tedium, your eternity has not even begun yet. Any afterlife where a person retains their memories is, in my opinion, far worse a fate than no life at all.

To put it this way, a few billion years from now, the Sun will go red giant, scorching the absolute shit out of this planet. A few trillion (“few” being relative) years from now, and the Universe will likely be reduced to a low density soup of low-energy photons. And your immortal ass in heaven? Will you still be enjoying them lightburgers while going for a fly outside your mansion?

[Old Seer]

After a few thousand years of doing everything one considers worth doing to the point of tedium, your eternity has not even begun yet. Any afterlife where a person retains their memories is, in my opinion, far worse a fate than no life at all.

To put it this way, a few billion years from now, the Sun will go red giant, scorching the absolute shit out of this planet. A few trillion (“few” being relative) years from now, and the Universe will likely be reduced to a low density soup of low-energy photons. And your immortal ass in heaven? Will you still be enjoying them lightburgers while going for a fly outside your mansion?

It's nice and sunny here, and when I went out I thought I was in heaven because of how splendid it all was. I put out my tongue in in the light and ---- ---- My heavenly esperiance went totally flat, there was no taste.  I'm going to have to quit reading this stuff.

[Asmodean]

That, my blasphemous heathen friend, is because you has not a Jesus in your heart nor an angel in your mouth...

...Yes, that probably was some sort of sexual reference.

[MadBomr101]

After a few thousand years of doing everything one considers worth doing to the point of tedium, your eternity has not even begun yet. Any afterlife where a person retains their memories is, in my opinion, far worse a fate than no life at all.

To put it this way, a few billion years from now, the Sun will go red giant, scorching the absolute shit out of this planet. A few trillion (“few” being relative) years from now, and the Universe will likely be reduced to a low density soup of low-energy photons. And your immortal ass in heaven? Will you still be enjoying them lightburgers while going for a fly outside your mansion?

Asking questions of their loopy ideas is the reason I miss being able to go on the Xian Forums and chat with the believers. Are there any on this board? Wasn't Ecurb Noselrub a practicing Xian? I seem to recall someone was.

[No one]

Can believers and think be used in a sentence like that?

[MadBomr101]

That, my blasphemous heathen friend, is because you has not a Jesus in your heart nor an angel in your mouth...

...Yes, that probably was some sort of sexual reference.

Not unless they buy me dinner and tell me I'm pretty first.

[MadBomr101]

Can believers and think be used in a sentence like that?

Sure. Watch this.

"Believers think goofy shit all the time."
"Believers don't like to think about reality too much."

See? It can be done. You just have to frame it correctly.

[Recusant]

After a few thousand years of doing everything one considers worth doing to the point of tedium, your eternity has not even begun yet. Any afterlife where a person retains their memories is, in my opinion, far worse a fate than no life at all.

To put it this way, a few billion years from now, the Sun will go red giant, scorching the absolute shit out of this planet. A few trillion (“few” being relative) years from now, and the Universe will likely be reduced to a low density soup of low-energy photons. And your immortal ass in heaven? Will you still be enjoying them lightburgers while going for a fly outside your mansion?

Asking questions of their loopy ideas is the reason I miss being able to go on the Xian Forums and chat with the believers. Are there any on this board? Wasn't Ecurb Noselrub a practicing Xian? I seem to recall someone was.

Currently there's a Christian here who says he's here to answer questions about Christianity (Drich's intro and most recent post). You better get to him quick though, before he encounters the ban hammer or the vorpal blade. 

[Asmodean]

...Or goes into a hissy fit over some Asmo or other and explodes. 

[Drich]

Need a good laugh? Just ask a believer what they think Heaven will be like.

About a year ago I joined the Xian Forums because I wanted to ask some questions directly of the faithful. The thing I most wanted answered was "How do you envision Heaven?" The answers were, on the whole, absurd but that didn't dissuade any of them from believing that it was real.

Some of the more memorable ideas they offered were:

-- In Heaven, food is made of light. So there's no fat or calories and you can eat as much as you want and never gain weight. I asked, but what if you really want a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac? I was told that you can have a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac but they'll be made of light. I asked what does food made of light taste like and was told it tastes just like it does down here but without the fat or calories. I also asked how do you know any of that is true? She replied that she felt it in her heart and that was a sign that GOD was telling her himself.

Also, why would a spirit being need to eat at all? Does food made of light have any nutritional value? Why would a spirit being need nutrition? Does food made of light get digested? If so, how does a spirit being digest food if digestion and nutrition are requirements only of a living organism?

I have to wonder too if the grocery stores where you buy this illusory food is also made of light or is it a bricks & mortar building that sells imaginary food? Maybe God delivers it magically to your doorstep or possibly you just have to think to yourself "I want a box or Rice-a-Roni." and it just appears.

So many more questions.

-- In Heaven everyone gets their own mortgage free mansion. So there's free housing for everyone in Heaven? I had to wonder why would a non-corporeal spirit being need housing? "Because everyone needs a place to live." was the reply which completely missed the point of the question.  Some of them said they would all get a free luxury apartment or condo but it's the same idea -- free luxurious housing.

-- In Heaven, you can FLY! One woman stated she was most excited for the gift of flight that she would enjoy as a resident of Heaven. I responded with "So you can just leap off the roof of your free luxury condo in Heaven and start flying around like Superman?" "Yes." was her answer.

-- In Heaven, you can do anything you want just like you could on Earth. This means, if you loved to fish, or rebuild classic cars, or play the piano while you were alive, you can still do those things in Heaven after you're dead which means there's stuff like fishing boats, pianos, and auto supply stores, not to mention cars in Heaven.

Believers just make up anything they like then believe their own delusions because fuck reason or reality.

I only lasted about a month among the Xians before they banned me for making a post that made fun of what a scumbag Trump is. They had no issue with my arguments against the existence of God but they wouldn't put up with any disrespect for their marmalade colored messiah.

Post 3 of 25

Ah... No.

Heaven is still and always will be the city of God. That is where the parties will be held and where the big ceremonies will go down. "we" (not you) "We" will live on earth with God/Christ for 1000 years. (which was cause for concern on the other heaven thread/what happens to my house/stuff)  upon which satan will get probation and released from hell, to tempt and cull those who maybe weren't 100% satisfied/bearly made it in. There will be one more great war, or in truth one more round up of satan and his followers which he will then be cast into hell for the last time to burn for ever and his followers destroyed by the same hell fire. Then God will recreate or relocate heaven and earth and we will start over with a new heaven and new earth.
(not that mnost of you need concern yourself with any of this) But from this point I believe because we will then be eternal and we have an eternal universe to explore we will get to do so, maybe in our own starships. if so dibs on "Enterprise."

[Dark Lightning]

It's amazing how many people long for an eternal afterlife, yet don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.