She thought I still believed in a higher power/god.
And I told her no.
And she looked away from me and I felt that aching pain in my chest.
I felt her disappointment in me.
I told her (and our family friend) about how I became atheist...educating myself, taking religion & philosophy classes, realizing contradictions, etc.
And all she could do was look at her phone and play a game.
I mentioned how lonely I was because of it and that I joined this forum & how I'm still a good person.
She couldn't even look at me. Our family friend just smiled at me and kept looking at my mom to see her reaction...or non-reaction.
And then she changed the subject.
And now I sit here at the table typing my thoughts because I felt cut off and unresolved. And my fingers typing away at my phone is helping me from going back to the subject.
I'm trying to find the strength not to cry because I really want her to see that this is important to me...
Of course it's all just about being patient. And I'll wait till she's ready to talk about it again. She still loves me. That's all that matters.
Some people have it much harder than others when they come out to friends and relatives, I'm sorry you're one of those. It's important that you do know she still loves you, and that she's probably more frightened for you than anything else. There are a number of people here who've had much the same experiences with their families as you and can help you thru this.
Nothing wrong with crying. If that's how you feel do it. Emotional dishonesty in a relationship isn't good. If you're upset show it.
Intellectual dishonesty is just as bad, so well done on declaring you world view.
She needs a bit of time to get over the shock and the upset she is going through. There well be another moment when the subject comes up. That's when all her feelings will come to the surface. Depending on her character this could be an aggressive rant or a bucket load of emotional blackmail or both. You've got to do your best to not take it personally. Stand your ground politely.
Good luck. Keep us posted
((hugs))
*hugs*
*hugs*
My experience is that you can love someone and have them love you, and still disagree on something as fundamental as religion. In my experience, that doesn't necessarily mean that you come to some sort of deep understanding or meeting of the minds, but that you simply agree to go on loving each other anyway, and not talking much about the stuff you disagree on. I very rarely talk to my parents about my atheism any more. They know where I stand, and I know where they stand, and that's enough. Your mom probably is sad and afraid for you, and I'm not going to tell you that goes away. More like, we humans can become accustomed to almost anything with time.
Well, you said it. If she is in denial, then whatever. I think it sucks you have to fo through that. I really do.
But some people just wont understand your point of view, no matter how much sense you make.
Thanks so much for the support everyone.
I hope one day I can actually be completely open with her without having to tip-toe around it. I know she'll never really agree with me. But after that night, I think she realized how important it was to me. When looking for a house to rent today, she actually took into account my opinion on an email sent by a potential landlord who seemed to be a little too over-zealous by repeating God throughout the email. It made me feel really good that at least some of the things I said sunk in.
Quote from: musicality on April 29, 2012, 07:44:05 AM
Thanks so much for the support everyone.
I hope one day I can actually be completely open with her without having to tip-toe around it. I know she'll never really agree with me. But after that night, I think she realized how important it was to me. When looking for a house to rent today, she actually took into account my opinion on an email sent by a potential landlord who seemed to be a little too over-zealous by repeating God throughout the email. It made me feel really good that at least some of the things I said sunk in.
One can see from your problems how hard it was/is to be an atheist in some places. In the past atheists have always been outsiders and in the minority. Until the invention of the Internet it would have been difficult for atheists to contact each other and impossible to build these 'virtual' communities.
Thus dis-belief was bullied out of people. They just played along with the crowd. In 1st world countries the isolation of atheists is not possible any more and information, as opposed to propaganda, is readily available.
^ Right. Imagine being shut into a small village community, having to live and work with the same few people, no chance to escape. That's how the world was - still is for many.
^ I would think it's still the case that for the majority of people in the majority of countries they are physically surrounded be theists and in Islamic areas atheists are despised as they would have been in medieval Europe.
Quote from: Tank on April 29, 2012, 10:14:58 AM
^ I would think it's still the case that for the majority of people in the majority of countries they are physically surrounded be theists and in Islamic areas atheists are despised as they would have been in medieval Europe.
Yeah. These people brainwashed and raised to hate anything and anyone different from their bubbled in society.
Religion is the easiest way to control the masses. It is truly evil.
Let me add ((hugs)) to the bunch o hugs you got.
Nice to know that there are understanding people who are in the same boat. Each has her own story, some rather benign and some uproarious and so on.
My mom never questioned my decisions about religion. She just kept on loving me. For that I hold her dear in my memory. Dad was pretty skeptical and down to earth and very very quiet on the subject. He did church for the social aspect of it. They both did, and it was a wonderful part of my upbringing. We were in an age (60s) in which to question was divine. But I kept on going to church, mainly for the music. We had a pretty good organist and I took lessons there. Bach organ music is the best. Gives me chills, just like bagpipes at a parade.
Here's an interesting side-bit...My wife was born and raised and schooled Catholic. She was also a fun-loving child of the sixties. I, through my constant non-acceptance of religious dogma and ritual, finally wore through all this masonry, and now, she's pretty much an atheist too. She sings in a wonderful choir at the UU church in Buffalo (They welcome anyone there, even "us") Well last year she sang at a Catholic funeral. Of course she still knew the parts of the mass and she sang a couple of numbers and was very well received. And now she does some of the regular masses. She does get a bit of money for her trouble, but I think it's curious that, here's this person who is singing beautifully in an R. C. church, and she's an atheist! And she loves it. She gets off, I think, on the compliments, but I also think there's some of it that feels like home. I prefer to stay out of churches when ever I can, but I do remember my own childhood and I admit that there was a lot of good there, even though the spiritual premise for the whole thing is dubious at best, and given the heinous nature and bloody history of religion in human society.
I find that some of the people in the UU church are able to be open about their atheism or agnosticism, and still hang on to that social structure and environment that nurtured them in their parents' churches during childhood...
Oops. I went on too long again. Sorry for my ramblings. I'm just remembering when I was...you.
Quote from: musicality on April 29, 2012, 07:44:05 AM
Thanks so much for the support everyone.
I hope one day I can actually be completely open with her without having to tip-toe around it. I know she'll never really agree with me. But after that night, I think she realized how important it was to me. When looking for a house to rent today, she actually took into account my opinion on an email sent by a potential landlord who seemed to be a little too over-zealous by repeating God throughout the email. It made me feel really good that at least some of the things I said sunk in.
That's good news :)
Scary. I truly hope your mother is alright. As I have yet to tell my mother about my atheism, I don't have any advice for you, but I support you, and I hope things work out between you and her.
Quote from: rickrocks on April 29, 2012, 06:31:23 PM
Oops. I went on too long again. Sorry for my ramblings. I'm just remembering when I was...you.
Thank you :) Hearing stories like yours helps me! I'm not alone. :)
Quote from: musicality on April 29, 2012, 07:44:05 AM
Thanks so much for the support everyone.
I hope one day I can actually be completely open with her without having to tip-toe around it. I know she'll never really agree with me. But after that night, I think she realized how important it was to me. When looking for a house to rent today, she actually took into account my opinion on an email sent by a potential landlord who seemed to be a little too over-zealous by repeating God throughout the email. It made me feel really good that at least some of the things I said sunk in.
This is certainly a very good sign. Despite her misgivings, she ultimately cares most about you and what will make you happy. Baby steps.
Best of luck, you took a very brave step.
I haven't been to this forum in ages. I meant to reply to your other thread "because people with faith have better hearts" but I never got around to it, and now I'm not sure where that thread went. You're a lot braver than I am! I don't think I could ever tell my mom. When I refused to go to church one time, I got kicked out of the car. It wasn't that big of a deal because in nyc, you can take public transportation easily, so it's not like I was left stranded. My mom felt really bad afterwards. She didn't exactly apologize, but later, she just tried talking to me as if nothing had ever happened. It was her own way of showing she was sorry...The actual words aren't that important. Anyway, did you check out the link I gave you last time (the freethinkers website)?
Quote from: musicality on April 28, 2012, 07:26:56 AM
She thought I still believed in a higher power/god.
And I told her no.
And she looked away from me and I felt that aching pain in my chest.
I felt her disappointment in me.
I told her (and our family friend) about how I became atheist...educating myself, taking religion & philosophy classes, realizing contradictions, etc.
And all she could do was look at her phone and play a game.
I mentioned how lonely I was because of it and that I joined this forum & how I'm still a good person.
She couldn't even look at me. Our family friend just smiled at me and kept looking at my mom to see her reaction...or non-reaction.
And then she changed the subject.
thats pretty much how i reckon my mum will react when i'm brave enought o tell her. she'll probably cry coz she'll think i'll go to hell, or she'll just change the subject.
tonight she asked me about going to church and about whether or not i would be doing the christian aid envelopes this year. i simply said no to both, but i should've been braver and told her why.
one day...
i suppose i could be ballsy and just say it, but she's my ma and i love her, i dont want to hurt her feelings.