Happy Atheist Forum

What are some of the funniest jokes you've heard about telemarketing? Or funny things said? Here are a few of mine.

1. TM-hello is juggernaut jon there?
      Me-yes, who's calling
    TM-this is tommy tits face from the douche rockets
     Me- yeah let me go get him he's on the shitter *click*
2. Hello, Juggernautjon, this is tommy titsface and the douche crickets.
     Me-im and atheist. *click*
3. How would a nice cruise *click*
4. TM- hello sir, may I speak to juggernautjon?
      Me- I like mayonnaise on a rain briggs and stratton lawn mower engine with a poodle in a blender.

I can tell when telemarketers call because my last name is difficult to pronounce. If they get it wrong I do one of two things:

If it is my cell phone: "I'm sorry, he's dead."
If it is a land line: "Yeah, I'll get him." And then set the phone down and leave it.

When I have time (which I do most of the time because I'm a boring person ) I listen to their sales pitch and make sure that I sound very excited about it, tell them to sign me up or that I'll buy whatever it is they're selling... and then tell them I change my mind when it comes time to give them credit card information.

Stores now ask for phone numbers, addresses, and zip codes (in some cases to send you stuff, in others for demographic data related to targeted advertising).  That seems rather in the same neighborhood of invasiveness.  I always just give them fake numbers and addresses.

I tend to say "Not interested" and not waste their time. They are, after all, just doing their job.

There's a no call register here, if you're on it and a business makes an unsolicited call they get fined.  I usually ask them to provide their company details so I can inform ACMA.

Yes, I realize its their bread winners. I have 3 friends, in fact, that do work at call centers. I still fuck with them because they try to invade in on my time. Its my god damn god given right to not have ro talk to these fucks if I'm masturbating to my neighbors having sex. .........wait......what?

I tend to not answer the phone if I don't know who's calling or if I don't want to talk to the person calling. It happens a lot.

............Is that strike one for me?

To be honest I was a phone rep and a manger in a major call center. I used to kill with the hard close. I would basically tell people what I was going to do and then tell them to agree with me. It was amazing how easy it was to manipulate people especially if you followed the formula for overcoming objections.

E-Empathy
B-Benefit
C-Close


Example:

A: So what we’d like to do is go ahead and get the Mark 4 food processor right over to you so you can try it out and see it’s amazing speed and effectiveness first hand. If for any reason you are not completely satisfied you can send it back within 30 days for a full refund, OK.

B: Actually I don’t think I’d ever really use a food processor, I don’t really cook.

A: (E) I completely understand your hesitation, as a matter of fact as a single guy I don’t really cook that much myself.
(B) But keep in mind that with the speed and versatility of the Mark 4 you could save yourself hours of unnecessary food preparation time. Plus it’ll open up a whole new array of healthy options for you on the nights that you do choose to stay home and cook for yourself.
(C) Of course I would never ask you to make a decision like this over that phone. That is why we ask that you simply try it out at home for yourself. If you don’t see the immediate value of owning such a project you can always return it for a full refund. Of course it’s completely up to you. So are you still at 123 elm street?

Keep in mind I’ve never sold a food processor in my life, I don’t think there is such a product as the Mark 4, but I wrote out this little sample scenario by simply utilizing the formula that is taught in all call centers. Sometimes it’s called Rebuttal, Benefit, Close, or acknowledge, Benefit, Close or any other myriad of acronyms that mean the same thing.

Listen to and directly address the root of the objections. Give a personal or widely know example of a similar rebuttal. E.g. “I totally see where your coming from I have a hard time finding time to cook healthy meals myself.”

Give a benefit of the product no matter how vague that addresses their problem. If the person says they don’t have time, give them even the slightest time saving advantage. If they say they don’t have the money pick a feature of the product that might save them money. In the case of the food processor you can link time with money. E.g. “Think of all the hours you would save by not having to chop, blend or grate the foods you are looking to cook. Not only that, think of all the extra time you’d have to work, or spend time with family if you didn’t have all those extra dishes to do. You can’t put a value on your free time.”

Close the call with a firm affirmative assuming a positive response. Our favorite was a hard OK.
E.g. We can get you started today, OK. Or, How about we get this out to you so you can see for yourself, OK. Or an even bolder move was to move into the order confirmation phase of the call as if the person had agreed but they hadn’t actually said anything. You state a personal fact about them such as their address or phone number they agree to that and then you just carry on as if you are filling out the order form for them.
E.g. So I see your still on 4th street is that right? Or, Just to be sure your last name is spelled with a Y is that right? Or it says here that you are in Minnesota is that right? As soon as you get the yes that’s good enough to move forward with placing the order assuming that by confirming to their own bit of personal information that they are agreeing to the offer.

Next time you get a call stay on the line and drop and objection on them and see if they don’t give you the EBC formula. It’s fascinating and it works. In the states now they have a mandatory do not call list and all this new legislation came about because the science of telemarketing had gotten so good that people were literally pouring money into their phones.

Pouring money into the phones was the reason, as I remember, but it was not the money pouring into phones to buy products.  From my recollection, it was the increase in fraud calls from overseas (I am a deposed prince of Namibia, I have millions in an off-shore account that I cannot access, but since you are not implicated in any crimes I can put the money in your account, and I'll let you keep a couple million).  These fraud calls led to calls for action, which led to a do not call registry.  I remember being called on one of them.  They weren't even trying to give me a big elaborate sob story.  They just told me that the government was giving me a grant for 8,000 dollars.  They didn't say why, and it was a guy named Evan McCallister with an Indian accent.

I have somehow gotten on the list for some hispanic crappy telemarketing service.  One or two times a month I get a call on my cell, there is a lot of background noise, then a machine picks up and says something in spanish and then hangs up.  I'm on the no-call list...wonder if I take the time to report them if it would even help.

Oh...and my usual response is "I'm not interested"  [they keep talking]  ::click::

I love awkward telemarketer conversations. My dad used to hand the phone to my (then) toddler brother. "Hello is the head of the household around?"  "I wike twucks." "Oh um... can you grab your dad?" "No. I like gummy bewars too."

I don't have a landline so I've only received one or two telemarketer calls on my cell. If I don't recognize a number I'll answer with an "allo" (which sounds deceptively like "hello") and wait to find out if the caller is indeed a telemarketer. If that's the situation then I'll just speak in French until they hang up.

If you want to have a little fun, you could try these sound board clips (http://www.soundboardarchive.com/) on them.  

Quote from: "Twentythree"Give a benefit of the product no matter how vague that addresses their problem. If the person says they don’t have time, give them even the slightest time saving advantage. If they say they don’t have the money pick a feature of the product that might save them money. In the case of the food processor you can link time with money. E.g. “Think of all the hours you would save by not having to chop, blend or grate the foods you are looking to cook. Not only that, think of all the extra time you’d have to work, or spend time with family if you didn’t have all those extra dishes to do. You can’t put a value on your free time.”

 :hmm: I'm not sure). They call in every once in a while to try to get me to sign up for it again, and it get particulary annoying when they pull that tactic.

There's really no point trying to explain to them that no, I would actually be saving money if I didn't give them a cent! Not if I subscribed before a due date or with a certain card or whatever.

QuoteI tend to say "Not interested" and not waste their time. They are, after all, just doing their job.

Captain Buzzkill strikes again.

But yeah in all honesty I do the same thing, not because I give 2 craps about them "just doing there job" but because I'd rather not waste my time even talking to them.

Quote from: "terranus"Captain Buzzkill strikes again.

Oh, I can be quite fun. Really, I can.  :D

Quote from: "terranus"

QuoteI tend to say "Not interested" and not waste their time. They are, after all, just doing their job.

Captain Buzzkill strikes again.

[youtube:259ao9y0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFcqGGMPc3k[/youtube:259ao9y0]

Quote from: "xSilverPhinx"There's really no point trying to explain to them that no, I would actually be saving money if I didn't give them a cent! Not if I subscribed before a due date or with a certain card or whatever.

I've tried logic with my wife when it comes to saving money.  She sees a 40 inch television that's on sale for 200 dollars off, and points out that we can save 200 dollars if we buy that tv.  I point out that we are not in the market for a new tv, as both of our tv's still work.  She says, "But honey, 200 dollars off!  You don't save 200 dollars every day!"  I say "But honey, since we're not in the market for a tv, we're not saving 200 bucks, were SPENDING 400!"  That's where she gets a puzzled look on her face, like she just swallowed something that feels like it's coming back up.  Then she just goes right back into the "saving 200 dollars" thing as I direct her toward the clothing section, the only thing that can distract her from the tv.

Or, as I've been known to do lately, resort to the immature yet effective quip "your mom." And follow that with hanging up. I know, I can be a child at times.

QuoteEspecially when one week off my meds

Ha!!!

Yeah that's me when I don't have my nicotine.

Quote from: "The Magic Pudding"There's a no call register here, if you're on it and a business makes an unsolicited call they get fined.  I usually ask them to provide their company details so I can inform ACMA.

There' one in the UK called The Telephone Preference Service.  They are useless, and I read that they have never, ever prosecuted a seller.  As a result, callers ignore it and a few callers have even laughed when I told them I was on it.

Now I have finally given in and pay around £3 a month to block all calls from withheld numbers.  It is very effective, but I reckon the charge is outrageous - I presume all my provider has to do is to tick a box on a screen, once.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) called me.  First thing the lady said was "Don't worry, I won't ask you for money."  Of course, that's the hook to keep you on the line.  What do they want then?  They wanted to sell me magazines.  

I thought you weren't going to ask me for money.
I didn't, I'm offering you great deals on magazines.
But I have to give you money to get the magazines.

Apparently, that's not asking me for money.  If she would have asked for 10 bucks right off the bat I would have given her ten bucks.  She lied.  

Apparently, in 2008, 37% of traffic fatalities involved alcohol.  Hmm... interesting.  Doesn't exactly help her cause.  So I told her that means 63% of the traffic fatalities involve sober people.  The real problem isn't the drunk drivers, but all the sober assholes on the road.  We need MADS, or Mothers Against Driving Sober.  I told her as soon as MADD gets with the program and begins addressing the real problems, I won't be buying any magazines.