Happy Atheist Forum

I really don't want to give away much detail, but I was wondering if anybody here is or has been dealing with loneliness. If you have been in the past, how did you deal with it and what did you do to overcome it?

Thanks in advance.

When I moved to Arkansas from Germany, I was very lonely for the first couple months.  I didn't have any friends, and the people I worked with all had families and such so making friends was very difficult.  I was unmarried, and didn't really know what to do or where to go to meet new people.  I was still Christian, so I tried a church, but the people there who seemed so nice on the outside turned Children of the Corn scary inside the church, so I ditched that idea.  I dated here and there, but that only gave me one night of companionship every other weekend or so, which doesn't fill the hole of loneliness.

One day I decided to wake up early and go golfing.  While golfing I joined up with a threesome (three golfers golfing together) to make a foursome.  The guys were complaining because their wives hadn't let them go golfing for months.  I realized that what I had wasn't a curse, but a gift.  I had some time, since I was yet unmarried, to enjoy being myself and doing things I liked before I settled down and had to adjust my lifestyle to another person.  I golfed all the time, rode my bicycle, and went on weekend trips to nearby attractions.  Eventually, I met my ex wife, married her, and soon after divorced her.  I was single and lonely again, and this time enjoyed it for a few more months instead of sulking.  Then I met my current wife, and it's happily ever after.

So... what I'm trying to say is, find out what activities you enjoy and do them because you enjoy them.  Don't just try to pick activities that you think will help you meet people.  Just do things because YOU want to.  You'll eventually find that in doing it this way, just by the nature of making choices to truly enjoy yourself, you'll meet people that you really have things in common with, so you don't have to pretend to like things to be friends with someone else.

Quote from: "fester30"So... what I'm trying to say is, find out what activities you enjoy and do them because you enjoy them.  Don't just try to pick activities that you think will help you meet people.  Just do things because YOU want to.  You'll eventually find that in doing it this way, just by the nature of making choices to truly enjoy yourself, you'll meet people that you really have things in common with, so you don't have to pretend to like things to be friends with someone else.

Problem is, most of the things (if not all) that I want to do cost money and I don't have much of that (if any at all).

Just recently (well it feels recently, happened half a year ago), I have been dealing with being alone. I can't tell you what I did to overcome it as I have not yet. I talk to people at work, but work relationships are rarely friends and even rarer to find someone who makes me not feel alone. I talk to various other people but as it turns out, I had slowly distanced myself from everyone I knew during my last relationship without realizing how far I let myself drift away until I finally woke up.

Now I'm so far out that I'm not even sure I can get close to even members of my family. Because of my negativity I cannot, in my current state, make any new friends and start over. So until I either rebuild my old friendships and family relationships or become more positive, I will be almost completely alone (I have a cat).

But don't let me bring you down, most people I knew got over loneliness after just one or two months. Most hung out with friends and/or family members that really cared about them, and some went on a binge of one thing or another (sex, alcohol, food, excercise, abstinence, etc...). Friends and family seemed to cause least amount of negative effects as well as a much lower risk for bad things to happen.

I guess it depends on what kind of loneliness you're talking about.  Do you mean just friends to hangout with or do you mean lonely in the romantic sense?  Well, I suppose it actually really doesn't matter much, I deal with both similarly - I wait...get on FB...go to work...wait some more...do things to occupy my time, some things to better myself like working out, reading to gain knowledge and new skills - I'm working on getting back into martial arts and looking into learning old school boxing....and obsessing about the impending zombie apocalypse...preparing for that takes up a good chunk of time...

In my experience, worse than being literally detached from people is being inescapably surrounded by those that you have nothing in common with, in close proximity, in a system that you don't fit into.

I was kept out of school for virtually all of the first 14 years of my life, with few friends my own age. The people I associated with were mostly family members, private tutors and doctors. These were very happy years - I didn't mind being solitary. I felt no loneliness then. But things changed when I went to school, which, to me, because I wasn't used to it, felt like being forced into a cult. We were expected to congregate in specific places at specific times to undergo rituals that I didn't see the point of, and apparently didn't need to see the point of, and apparently shouldn't have asked. The school also tried to frame my life for me with a particular outlook - a cheesy, wafer-thin, aspirational-TV attitude of 'aiming high,' 'achieving potential' and 'self betterment' - which I couldn't digest or accept, because it depends on a sense of emptiness, a void that needs to be filled yet never can be filled, the feeling that one can never be totally adequate. I was made to believe that the simple act of being myself and thinking in the way that I do was an inately ugly and reprehensible thing. I was called antagonistic and cynical, though I aimed to be neither, and pessimistic, though I saw the world, in all its senselessness and absurdity, as a beautiful place.

I recovered by finishing school, basically. But I didn't leave without scars - I think that a misanthropy I picked up there has warped my personality somewhat. A natural defiance forced me to embrace that uglier sense of self a little, just to rattle their cages. But I'm a hell of a lot happier now that I'm out of that fucking place, I can tell you!

One of my favourite books is The Stranger by Albert Camus because it really captures that feeling of being dislocated from society. I recommend it to all lonely people.

I can't really offer much advice, but I'm certainly dealing with loneliness in a big way. I lost my husband of 15 years last August. He was my best friend and was a first priority when it came to relationships, so I don't have very many other friendships. I had work friends, but had been on maternity leave until this past Monday, so it was just me and my young son for the past 7 months.

I make family a priority now, and try to spend any time I can with the two girlfriends that I had from the past few years. I feel very separated from rest of the world around me. Most of my acquantances are couples, so I don't fit any more.

Learning how to sleep alone, missing my husband in ways that words can't express, having all of my evenings alone (my son is in bed right after dinner), and just generally being the only adult around is tough. I also can't really get out much to the typical places people meet, so I guess this is just the way it's going to be for a while. I don't want to sound horrible, but maybe just try to work on your attitude about being alone? I have been seriously working on keeping sane this past year, so when I have to come to terms with things that are uncomfortable (horrible) and out of my control, I just have to work hard to make myself enjoy anything good at all, and see positives in every situation regardless of how small those positives are.

Quote from: "Squid"....and obsessing about the impending zombie apocalypse...preparing for that takes up a good chunk of time...

seriously, reading that thread has planted a seed in my brain    When I let my dog out for a pee at night, I find myself listening for sounds of dragging limbs...shudder. Wish I was somewhere near Will. His plan sounded great!

When I moved to Dallas I didn't really have any friends....so I met some people I knew from another forum who live around here, one of them started a meetup which I attend and still do attend when I can make the drive to Fort Worth.  Then I, started a group in my area, got involved with other groups and made new friends.

Basically I did stuff I enjoyed and friends were made (and still are being made) because of it.

Quote from: "Cecilie"I really don't want to give away much detail, but I was wondering if anybody here is or has been dealing with loneliness. If you have been in the past, how did you deal with it and what did you do to overcome it?

Well you could try a happier avatar.
It has to be hard to be happy with a head like that.
How about a cute fluffy bunny?

Quote from: "The Magic Pudding"

Quote from: "Cecilie"I really don't want to give away much detail, but I was wondering if anybody here is or has been dealing with loneliness. If you have been in the past, how did you deal with it and what did you do to overcome it?

Well you could try a happier avatar.
It has to be hard to be happy with a head like that.
How about a cute fluffy bunny?

How are zombies not happy? Everybody loves zombies.

Quote from: "Cecilie"How are zombies not happy? Everybody loves zombies.

How about a zombie bunny then?
Easter's approaching, joining in with seasonal celebrations is sure to rid you of loneliness.

Since I moved to the town where my university is, things have been a lot lonelier than they used to be. I'm an hour away from my family, which isn't bad, but I can't afford the gas to visit them too often. My roommate, who used to be one of my really really good friends, gets more and more obnoxious and difficult to deal with as we get older (owing in part to her overzealous right-wing fiancé who has rubbed off many of his lovely qualities onto her), so we don't talk as much as we used to. My best friend in the whole world moved to Mexico last summer to start medical school. Most of the friends I've made at my university have graduated and moved off, and the ones who are still here are relatively new friends.

I suppose it's just part of getting older â€" everybody goes their separate ways. The good ones are damn hard to replace though.

I'm sorry that I can't really offer any solace, since I haven't been able to solve or deal with my own yet. I have a hard time actively meeting new people. I like coming to forums like this, since people are more likely to be open-minded and less biased than a lot of people I meet in person.

I guess escaping reality via movies and books can help to take my mind off things when I think too much about it.

Quote from: "The Magic Pudding"

Quote from: "Cecilie"How are zombies not happy? Everybody loves zombies.

How about a zombie bunny then?
Easter's approaching, joining in with seasonal celebrations is sure to rid you of loneliness.

There. Now quit your bitching.

Cecile are you on Skype? I have a few net friends who use it and it's almost as good as having somebody around.

Quote from: "Cecilie"

Quote from: "The Magic Pudding"

Quote from: "Cecilie"How are zombies not happy? Everybody loves zombies.

How about a zombie bunny then?
Easter's approaching, joining in with seasonal celebrations is sure to rid you of loneliness.

There. Now quit your bitching.

Ahh! It's so cute!

Quote from: "Tank"Cecile are you on Skype? I have a few net friends who use it and it's almost as good as having somebody around.

I have it, but I don't really use it.

I’m very sorry to hear that anyone is going through something like this. Loneliness is tough especially if it comes upon you suddenly, through loss or circumstances that you could not control. But, I am a firm believer in shaping your own reality. Just like any state of being you can choose to be lonely, or you can choose not to be lonely. If you look at it the right way there are hundreds of like minded people right here  that have sympathy for you and want to help you out. That in itself is evidence of not being alone.

Spending time physically with other people is another matter. In order to spend time with other people though you have to make the choice to actively seek it. As we get older social opportunities seem to diminish, but that is only because our level of involvement becomes more self centered. Not in a bad way of course but we tend to focus more on our close relationships like wives/girlfriends, children, family and perhaps a few close friends. If we find ourselves separated from some or all of those social circumstances as the result of a relocation or loss it becomes very difficult to expose ourselves to the trials, the possible rejections and the vulnerability of forming new relationships. But it has to be done. How do you eat a whale? One bite at a time. So take some time and think about what you enjoy doing, not only what you enjoy doing now but what you’ve enjoyed doing all your life. Maybe there are things that you’ve always wanted to do but have let slip by. In my experience anything you were involved in as a kid you can be involved in as an adult. Sports, games, music, art take a look online and see if you can find groups or clubs that you would be interested in checking out. The biggest thing that you’ll have to do and probably the hardest thing to overcome will be just getting out there and trying stuff out. Sure it’ll suck at first. You might feel shy and embarrassed but just like you had to do as a child, you have to open yourself up. It’s not surprising that there are a lot more people like you out there than you think. And think about this; just as you are seeking you are also being sought, I found you here on the pages of this forum, we’ve never met, don’t really know anything about each other, yet I’m giving you this advice, we’re  clearly of the same cognitive ilk. But, in order to get this response, in order to prompt these words you had to open yourself up. You had to give a little, you had to be vulnerable and honest in order to get honesty in return.

I'm so sorry, Lost, you must be quite strong.

I have battled a great deal of loneliness, as a person who doesn't enjoy many types of people but still wishes to be social. I have found that staying busy, even if it is mindless behavior, is best. I focus on reading, weight loss, forums, youtube, work, school, being creative, cleaning. Ugh that's it   it's hard, but luckily I know I wouldn't like the kind of friends I would be offered around here.

Quote from: "Ulver"I'm so sorry, Lost, you must be quite strong.

I have battled a great deal of loneliness, as a person who doesn't enjoy many types of people but still wishes to be social. I have found that staying busy, even if it is mindless behavior, is best. I focus on reading, weight loss, forums, youtube, work, school, being creative, cleaning. Ugh that's it  :hmm: ?

you will meet friends eventually

That nice rabbit must have you feeling better already.
All you have to do now is stop listening to that nasty metal music and find some nice soft fluffy music.  How about Justin Beeber, he looks soft and fluffy.  I've probably gone too far now, I don't want you to question if a life with Beeber is worth living.  We'll have to take this gradually.

Quote from: "The Magic Pudding"That nice rabbit must have you feeling better already.
All you have to do now is stop listening to that nasty metal music and find some nice soft fluffy music.  How about Justin Beeber, he looks soft and fluffy.  I've probably gone too far now, I don't want you to question if a life with Beeber is worth living.  We'll have to take this gradually.

I'm starting to think you want me to kill myself by suggesting that I start listening to Justin Bieber. I'm on to you.

Quote from: "Cecilie"I'm starting to think you want me to kill myself by suggesting that I start listening to Justin Bieber. I'm on to you.

I've found it hard to use my keyboard after reading this, how could you think such a thing?
Did I ever tell you mopeds are a reasonable zombie transportation, but 750cc's are entry level for the living?
Have you considered base jumping?
Perhaps skin diving in waters adjacent a seal colony?
I here the view from atop of K2 is pretty.

You don't like Bieber hmmm, how about the proclaimers?

QuoteI'm on my way from misery to happiness today
I'm on my way from misery to happiness today
I'm on my way to what I want from this world
And years from now you'll make it to the next world
And everything that you receive up yonder
Is what you gave to me the day I wandered

That's sure to move a lonesome person to a murderous mood, doesn't this prove my good intent?

You know, I've never been much fan of pudding, but...

Quote from: "Tank"

Quote from: "Ulver"I'm so sorry, Lost, you must be quite strong.

I have battled a great deal of loneliness, as a person who doesn't enjoy many types of people but still wishes to be social. I have found that staying busy, even if it is mindless behavior, is best. I focus on reading, weight loss, forums, youtube, work, school, being creative, cleaning. Ugh that's it  :hmm: ?

I don't mean here as in HAF!  :/

Quote from: "Ulver"

Quote from: "Tank"

Quote from: "Ulver"I'm so sorry, Lost, you must be quite strong.

I have battled a great deal of loneliness, as a person who doesn't enjoy many types of people but still wishes to be social. I have found that staying busy, even if it is mindless behavior, is best. I focus on reading, weight loss, forums, youtube, work, school, being creative, cleaning. Ugh that's it  :hmm: ?

I don't mean here as in HAF!  :/

Ah! That makes sense now, my bad I didn't realise you were talking about real life!  

Quote from: "Tank"Ah! That makes sense now, my bad I didn't realise you were talking about real life!  :P

Quote from: "Cecilie"

Quote from: "Tank"Ah! That makes sense now, my bad I didn't realise you were talking about real life!  :P

Dealing with loneliness by ignoring it most of the time. Works for me... Sort of.

I've often felt lonely, even while playing video games, so I usually have some sort of Let's Play, rant, or comedy routine in the background which keeps me less lonely. I certainly don't feel less paranoid & I need to look over my shoulder constantly, unless I'm really really involved in something. Sometimes I feel this overwhelming atmosphere of negativity looming over the area. That's the best way I can describe it. Anyone know what I mean? For the record, I do take Prozac for depression.