Title: A dedicated poem slash song slash I don't know what
Post by: Asmodean on September 26, 2010, 07:14:16 PM
Post by: Asmodean on September 26, 2010, 07:14:16 PM
So I wrote this thing... And was wondering if someone could give me a little coherence feedback :P
You fell on your knees and prayed
To a dead god who's no longer there
You bent the world to your will
Then expected the people to care
You spent your days stepping on minds
Now your shattered ruin is paying
For mistakes of a broken life
No-one will answer your prayers
Betrayer of everyone sacred
You're begging them all to return
All alone in the storm,
Borrowed life you no longer can borrow
Now how will you sail
When your ship start to burn?
Glowing embers touching your skin
The fires burning so bright
The stormwind breaking apart
Final stronghold of ending life
Cursing the day you were born,
Abandoned, your children cry
All that you've said and done
Was no more than a bunch of lies
You fell on your knees and prayed
For someone to be there to save you
Once you bent the world to your will
Now you burn in the fires that made you
You fell on your knees and prayed
To a dead god who's no longer there
You bent the world to your will
Then expected the people to care
You spent your days stepping on minds
Now your shattered ruin is paying
For mistakes of a broken life
No-one will answer your prayers
Betrayer of everyone sacred
You're begging them all to return
All alone in the storm,
Borrowed life you no longer can borrow
Now how will you sail
When your ship start to burn?
Glowing embers touching your skin
The fires burning so bright
The stormwind breaking apart
Final stronghold of ending life
Cursing the day you were born,
Abandoned, your children cry
All that you've said and done
Was no more than a bunch of lies
You fell on your knees and prayed
For someone to be there to save you
Once you bent the world to your will
Now you burn in the fires that made you
Title: Re: A dedicated poem slash song slash I don't know what
Post by: Gawen on September 27, 2010, 01:01:21 PM
Post by: Gawen on September 27, 2010, 01:01:21 PM
You fell on your knees and prayed
To a dead god - no longer there
You bent the world to your will
Then expected people to care
You spent your days stepping on minds
Your shattered ruin is paying
For mistakes of a broken life
No-one answers your praying
Betrayer of everyone sacred
You're begging them all to return
All alone in the storm,
Borrowed life you no longer
Now how will you sail
When your ship starts to burn?
Glowing embers touch your skin
The fires burning so bright
The stormwind breaking apart (what is exactly breaking apart here?)
Final stronghold of ending life
Cursing the day you were born,
Abandoned, your children cry
All that you've said and done
Was no more than a bunch of lies
You fell on your knees and prayed
For someone to be there to save you
Once you bent the world to your will
Now you burn in the fires that made you
Maybe?
To a dead god - no longer there
You bent the world to your will
Then expected people to care
You spent your days stepping on minds
Your shattered ruin is paying
For mistakes of a broken life
No-one answers your praying
Betrayer of everyone sacred
You're begging them all to return
All alone in the storm,
Borrowed life you no longer
Now how will you sail
When your ship starts to burn?
Glowing embers touch your skin
The fires burning so bright
The stormwind breaking apart (what is exactly breaking apart here?)
Final stronghold of ending life
Cursing the day you were born,
Abandoned, your children cry
All that you've said and done
Was no more than a bunch of lies
You fell on your knees and prayed
For someone to be there to save you
Once you bent the world to your will
Now you burn in the fires that made you
Maybe?
Title: Re: A dedicated poem slash song slash I don't know what
Post by: Asmodean on September 27, 2010, 02:22:47 PM
Post by: Asmodean on September 27, 2010, 02:22:47 PM
Thank you! :-D
Not proud of this one, but I have a policy of completing the poems I start.
The red marked line, there it's supposed to be The stormwind IS breaking apart
Not proud of this one, but I have a policy of completing the poems I start.
The red marked line, there it's supposed to be The stormwind IS breaking apart
Title: Re: A dedicated poem slash song slash I don't know what
Post by: Gawen on September 28, 2010, 03:09:46 AM
Post by: Gawen on September 28, 2010, 03:09:46 AM
Glad to have helped...*grinnin*
Title: Re: A dedicated poem slash song slash I don't know what
Post by: Heretical Rants on September 28, 2010, 03:15:17 AM
Post by: Heretical Rants on September 28, 2010, 03:15:17 AM
Quote from: "Asmodean"Thank you! :-DThe "is" isn't necessarily necessary.
Not proud of this one, but I have a policy of completing the poems I start.
The red marked line, there it's supposed to be The stormwind IS breaking apart
Title: Re: A dedicated poem slash song slash I don't know what
Post by: Asmodean on September 28, 2010, 07:01:26 PM
Post by: Asmodean on September 28, 2010, 07:01:26 PM
Quote from: "Heretical Rants"No, it was meant to be intuitively obvious. A sort of "artistic licence" with the wording. One can, however, add an apostrophied s without changing the flow. I dislike shortening in my poetry, but what is one to do..?Quote from: "Asmodean"Thank you! :-DThe "is" isn't necessarily necessary.
Not proud of this one, but I have a policy of completing the poems I start.
The red marked line, there it's supposed to be The stormwind IS breaking apart
Title: Re: A dedicated poem slash song slash I don't know what
Post by: tymygy on October 06, 2010, 08:48:42 PM
Post by: tymygy on October 06, 2010, 08:48:42 PM
I like it, alot.
I'm guessing you wrote this when you weren't very happy? That makes it deep, and thats whats good about it.
I'm guessing you wrote this when you weren't very happy? That makes it deep, and thats whats good about it.
Title: Re: A dedicated poem slash song slash I don't know what
Post by: Asmodean on October 06, 2010, 10:42:47 PM
Post by: Asmodean on October 06, 2010, 10:42:47 PM
Quote from: "tymygy"I like it, alot.Thanks! :P
I'm guessing you wrote this when you weren't very happy? That makes it deep, and thats whats good about it.
Title: Re: A dedicated poem slash song slash I don't know what
Post by: The Magic Pudding on October 07, 2010, 01:39:03 AM
Post by: The Magic Pudding on October 07, 2010, 01:39:03 AM
Quote from: "Gawen"You fell on your knees and prayed to pray
To a dead god - no longer there
You bent the world to your will
Then expected people to care
You spent your days stepping on minds
Your shattered ruin is paying
For mistakes of a broken life
No-one answers your praying prayers
Betrayer of everyone sacred
You're begging them all to return is them needed?
All alone in the storm,
Borrowed life you no longer
Now how will you sail
When your ship starts to burn?
Glowing embers touch your skin
The fires burning so bright
The stormwind breaking apart
Final stronghold of ending life
Cursing the day you were born,
Abandoned, your children cry
All that you've said and done
Was no more than a bunch of lies
You fell on your knees and prayed
For someone to be there to save you
Once you bent the world to your will
Now you burn in the fires that made you
Maybe?
Not now, but prey and pray could be useful sometime.
And I like the sound of the word prayer, as in you haven't got a prayer.
Title: Re: A dedicated poem slash song slash I don't know what
Post by: tymygy on October 07, 2010, 02:11:47 AM
Post by: tymygy on October 07, 2010, 02:11:47 AM
Quote from: "Asmodean"Quote from: "tymygy"I like it, alot.Thanks! :P
I'm guessing you wrote this when you weren't very happy? That makes it deep, and thats whats good about it.
Same here
I'm more a musician though, so I don't do alot of poetry. But when I do, I find my self in the same position.