Happy Atheist Forum

Well, as a few of you may know. I am what you would call a "closet atheist". My parents (who I live with) and my family are completely ignorant to my beliefs. It is because of this that I attend church services every sunday morning. Recently, my mother has been trying to get me more involved in christianity, it goes without saying that I would prefer the opposite.

    Now, sooner or later I'm going to have to tell my family I'm atheist, because it bothers me to lie to my family and to pretend to be something I'm not. The only problem is, telling them would be a huge deal, my parents are heavily christian and not the most tolerant folks.

    I don't know what to do, I somewhat feel as if it's my fault for not believing in their god, but it just seems so impossible for such a being to exist. At the same time, I know I can't force myself to believe it.

    So, how can I break the news to my family gently, preferably without being shunned by my grandparents for the rest of their lives?

Your situation is too foreign to me to comment, but I wish you luck.

Have a look here viewtopic.php?p=69387#p69387 (http://www.happyatheistforum.com/viewtopic.php?p=69387#p69387)


and here where there are some responses http://www.rationalskepticism.org/educa ... ml#p279666 (http://www.rationalskepticism.org/education-parenting/how-to-tell-your-family-you-are-an-atheist-t8594.html#p279666)

Much of it will have to do with how you react to their reaction. Stay calm and hopefully they will see that you're being mature, if not at first then with a little time. All you can do is stay calm and try to keep a relaxed atmosphere, even if they're not helping the cause. Otherwise you'll lead them to thinking you're simply being rebellious and antagonistic. Act like an adult and hopefully they will too. I also like Tank's advice.

Best wishes...

Quote from: "Sophus"Much of it will have to do with how you react to their reaction. Stay calm and hopefully they will see that you're being mature, if not at first then with a little time. All you can do is stay calm and try to keep a relaxed atmosphere, even if they're not helping the cause. Otherwise you'll lead them to thinking you're simply being rebellious and antagonistic. Act like an adult and hopefully they will too. I also like Tank's advice.

Best wishes...

Sophus is spot on about you keeping your cool too. Would it be right to think that your parents will take this as an emotional challenge more than a logical one?

You're a thought criminal skwurll. You can't help but see what's directly in front of your face. Believing the entire bible is true is the logical equivalent of saying 2+2=5.  It's no more your fault that you don't believe in God, then it is that You know 2 and 2 make 4.

I say come out. Sit down with your parents and let them know that you cannot bring yourself to reconcile religion with reality.  They'll be disappointed, or angry, or confused, but stick to your guns. If they ask bullshit questions, answer them. If they start yelling, try to reason with them. Just don't make it a confrontation.

Every situation is different.  I came out to my parents about a year ago, my Mom still thinks I'm insane and tries to turn me back to Jesus.

Good Luck!

If you are still living with your parents, I assume that you are a young person. Perhaps you are dependent on them as well. If you reveal yourself to avid adherants to the faith, then your people will be seriously hurt. They will damn themselves for not being good parents, they'll damn Satan for taking you, they'll damn the rotton society that made you go astray, they may even disown you. Reasoning from your own position would suggest that you chill.

You may feel like an imposter for going along with the church thing while harboring serious doubts. Get over it. With hold your confessions until you are in position to be totally independant. It may be an act of  generosity on your part to avoid outing yourself for ever insofar as your family is concrned. Why cause them grief ?  It will cost you very little to keep quiet and it will cost them great great pain if you do not keep this inside your own mind and heart.

I also generally advise young people who are still dependent on their parents to hold off on opening the closet door to their family.  However, you also don't want to have to lie to them either as that also isn't good for family relations.

Quote from: "Icarus"If you are still living with your parents, I assume that you are a young person. Perhaps you are dependent on them as well. If you reveal yourself to avid adherants to the faith, then your people will be seriously hurt. They will damn themselves for not being good parents, they'll damn Satan for taking you, they'll damn the rotton society that made you go astray, they may even disown you. Reasoning from your own position would suggest that you chill.

You may feel like an imposter for going along with the church thing while harboring serious doubts. Get over it. With hold your confessions until you are in position to be totally independant. It may be an act of  generosity on your part to avoid outing yourself for ever insofar as your family is concrned. Why cause them grief ?  It will cost you very little to keep quiet and it will cost them great great pain if you do not keep this inside your own mind and heart.

Lot of sense in this post.

There is also the issue of stress. At the moment the only cause of stress for you is you having to put on a mask of theism. Would the stress be more if you took off that mask? Will your parents and close family make your life more stressful than it currently is if you show the real you?

If you are still dependent on your family to support you through your education and there is a serious probability that they will stop that funding you have to keep your mouth shut! When one is young and learning one rarely, if ever, appreciates the fortunate position one is in. Your education IS the foundation of the rest of your life, whatever it costs it's actually priceless in this day and age. Do not jeopardise it in any way.

Just told my mom that I'm atheist, we had a pretty long discussion about it. I think she's still in denial.

I told my parents that I found out that the Greek God's are real, and that I had a long chat with a real leprechaun about telling them about how Greek God's were real in order to giggle about the fact that I'm actually atheist ;)

The best way to break the Ice is to walk in the room and give your parents a long hug and tell them that you love them ;)

Quote from: "skwurll"Just told my mom that I'm atheist, we had a pretty long discussion about it. I think she's still in denial.

It'll take a while and she may never come around totally, the best in the short term is acceptance.
Was it as difficult as you expected?

Quote from: "TheJackel"I told my parents that I found out that the Greek God's are real, and that I had a long chat with a real leprechaun about telling them about how Greek God's were real in order to giggle about the fact that I'm actually atheist ;)

The best way to break the Ice is to walk in the room and give your parents a long hug and tell them that you love them ;)

Good tactics!

Quote from: "Icarus"If you are still living with your parents, I assume that you are a young person. Perhaps you are dependent on them as well. If you reveal yourself to avid adherants to the faith, then your people will be seriously hurt. They will damn themselves for not being good parents, they'll damn Satan for taking you, they'll damn the rotton society that made you go astray, they may even disown you. Reasoning from your own position would suggest that you chill.

You may feel like an imposter for going along with the church thing while harboring serious doubts. Get over it. With hold your confessions until you are in position to be totally independant. It may be an act of  generosity on your part to avoid outing yourself for ever insofar as your family is concrned. Why cause them grief ?  It will cost you very little to keep quiet and it will cost them great great pain if you do not keep this inside your own mind and heart.

I mostly agree, except for the suggestion that you remain closeted forever.

Quote from: "Tank"

Quote from: "skwurll"Just told my mom that I'm atheist, we had a pretty long discussion about it. I think she's still in denial.

It'll take a while and she may never come around totally, the best in the short term is acceptance.
Was it as difficult as you expected?

Well, it was a LOT easier once I told her atheism wasn't satan worship. She still thinks I'm going to hell though. I told her that I had no problem with her beliefs as long as she didn't try to force them on me. (I think she's still going to make me go to church on sundays though.) It was a bit easier than I expected, it just sort of came out.

I want to thank everyone here for their advice, it really helped me, I'm unsure how she feels about it though.
I don't think I'm going to get kicked out, but things probably won't go back to normal for a while.

Quote from: "skwurll"

Quote from: "Tank"

Quote from: "skwurll"Just told my mom that I'm atheist, we had a pretty long discussion about it. I think she's still in denial.

It'll take a while and she may never come around totally, the best in the short term is acceptance.
Was it as difficult as you expected?

Well, it was a LOT easier once I told her atheism wasn't satan worship. She still thinks I'm going to hell though. I told her that I had no problem with her beliefs as long as she didn't try to force them on me. (I think she's still going to make me go to church on sundays though.) It was a bit easier than I expected, it just sort of came out.

I want to thank everyone here for their advice, it really helped me, I'm unsure how she feels about it though.
I don't think I'm going to get kicked out, but things probably won't go back to normal for a while.

Well as 'normal' was you pretending to follow your mum and dad's world view normal is not coming back, the truth lies ahead of you young man, best of luck

Quote from: "Tank"

Quote from: "skwurll"

Quote from: "skwurll"Just told my mom that I'm atheist, we had a pretty long discussion about it. I think she's still in denial.

It'll take a while and she may never come around totally, the best in the short term is acceptance.
Was it as difficult as you expected?

Well, it was a LOT easier once I told her atheism wasn't satan worship. She still thinks I'm going to hell though. I told her that I had no problem with her beliefs as long as she didn't try to force them on me. (I think she's still going to make me go to church on sundays though.) It was a bit easier than I expected, it just sort of came out.

I want to thank everyone here for their advice, it really helped me, I'm unsure how she feels about it though.
I don't think I'm going to get kicked out, but things probably won't go back to normal for a while.

That's good.  I would have, like a few others, suggested staying quiet.  My wife and I have to play it off where we live.  We live in a small town where we get a hated question, "What church do you go to?"  We lie to the effect that we go to one out of town, and then more often than not it is followed by, "Oh but you should visit our Church... we roll with the Holy Spirit like the best of them..." and other quirky comments to that effect.

I think we have brushed it off enough, though, since no one has asked us in a long time.

Anyway, I think it is also good to be open with your family.  I would suggest calling a truce, too.  Compromise that you won't try to convince her of your views and let them lay off trying to re-convert you.  In other words, talk about other things and avoid religious topic.  Come to think of it, it works with co-workers, friends, and acquaintances, too