Happy Atheist Forum

So my significant other and I have been together almost 7 years.  Marriage is definitely on the horizon, as soon as we save up some money.  Neither of us are religious, although his family is Catholic.  We'll definitely be having a very nontraditional and secular ceremony, and I thought it would be nice to start a thread where anyone planning a secular wedding (or who has already had one) could toss around ideas and what not.  Of course, feel free to join in even if you aren't getting married, but just like things of that nature.  

I'm not getting married, but congrats!  

Quote from: "philosoraptor"So my significant other and I have been together almost 7 years.  Marriage is definitely on the horizon, as soon as we save up some money.  Neither of us are religious, although his family is Catholic.  We'll definitely be having a very nontraditional and secular ceremony, and I thought it would be nice to start a thread where anyone planning a secular wedding (or who has already had one) could toss around ideas and what not.  Of course, feel free to join in even if you aren't getting married, but just like things of that nature.  

Well congrats!

I have been to a fair few weddings in the past several years, most have had a ceilidh but I doubt that is something that happens outside Scotland.

Apart from just doing exactly what you want, I can not think at anything to suggest.

Congrats!  I am planning a secular wedding as well!  One of the first things I did was figure out who I wanted to do the ceremony and have them sign up on one of the many online sites to be an ordained minister.  This is laughably easy, and though the law is different in each country/state as to whether a person has to do more than just sign up with the site to be recognized by the state as someone who is allowed to perform marriages, most of the time all it takes is going to a notary and getting the printed out minister certificate recognized.

My wedding date is 2+ years away (12.21.2012) so beyond securing a secular legally established person to perform the wedding, I haven't done much.  I am planning on doing the majority of the wedding DIY, including crocheting/knitting all of the flowers for the affair but that's hardly secular, just fun!  My only real concern is the fact that my fiancé comes from an uber religious family, something I am not at all accustomed to.  :D

A little over 10 years ago we drove down to the court house and filed for our license, drove by the clinic had our state required blood tests and 2 weeks later went back to the court house.  The Judge was supposed to give us 'counseling' before the ceremony but when we told him we were both degreed engineers he got a really big smile on his face and let us know we were just fine.  (the couple ahead of us were teens with a baby due in a few weeks, the couple before that had no idea how to handle anything, I think he was ready for some responsible people)  Asked if we wanted a civil ceremony or a religious one, we asked for the civil.  In front of my parents, his mother and G-ma and my sister and BIL we received a civil ceremony with no mention of god or anything.
Then we drove out for sushi and toured the Atlanta Underground.

His mother was the only one who caught the lack of religion and to this day refuses to acknowledge our marriage... among other things.

Marriage license $20
Sushi dinner for 8 was around $200

No church, no god, no idiocracy (well, other than his mother) and CHEAP!  And I didn't have to wear some $$$ dress.

Quote from: "Cecilie"I'm not getting married, but congrats!  :D

My fiancee and I haven't made any solid plans yet, other than that it will happen..... someday. As far as what kind of wedding we would like to have, we both agree that it would be great if George Clinton could figure into the ceremony some way - maybe even give a performance.  

It'll be an all-out bash!

We have a potential officiant-SO's uncle has a childhood friend who is an interfaith minister, and he's presided over many of the weddings, funerals, etc... for the family.  When his older sister got married, they had a secular ceremony and the officiant read an Apache wedding blessing, which was cool.  So finding an officiant thankfully won't be a problem.  Finding a creative, secular wedding blessing might be more of a challenge, although I've started looking.

When we got married i researched a bunch of various ceremonies and combined what I liked and edited it into a custom ceremony.

Philosoraptor, I see that you self identify as existentialist. If you don't mind me asking, how do you reconcile marriage with existentialism? Also, do you have any thoughts on the relationship between Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir?

Quote from: "Tank"

Quote from: "Cecilie"I'm not getting married, but congrats!  :D

Can I be an adult yet?

Quote from: "Cecilie"

Quote from: "Tank"

Quote from: "Cecilie"I'm not getting married, but congrats!  :D

Can I be an adult yet?

Don't hurry, it's not as much fun as it's cracked up to be.  

Quote from: "AlP"Philosoraptor, I see that you self identify as existentialist. If you don't mind me asking, how do you reconcile marriage with existentialism? Also, do you have any thoughts on the relationship between Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir?

There's nothing to reconcile, for me.  I've been with this guy for 7 years, and there are financial benefits to being married that you don't necessarily get with a civil or domestic partnership.  Marriage, at this point, is more a practical than emotional decision-it's mostly a formality, since we've been together for such a long time.

The problem of love in existentialism is that often, people become the possession of the other and lose their freedom in the process.  I think there is definitely an emphasis on possession, becoming one, and losing identity in some ways in traditional, religious marriage ceremonies.  Neither of us are religious, though, so I don't really anticipate this as being a problem.  We're also in an open relationship, so both of us are free to explore other people, if you will.  I haven't really felt the need to do this, though the opportunity is there.  We've always been very independent people.  We lead separate lives, have separate interests, have different friends.  At the end of the day we come home to each other, and we are equals.  Neither of us "owns" the other.  I don't anticipate marriage changing this.  Sartre spoke of love as a project (albeit, an impossible one)-it's something that is manifested through the things you do, together and separately, and the way you treat each other along the way.

Sartre and de Beauvoir were an exceptional couple.  They agreed that while they loved each other, there was a great deal of opportunity to be had in the experience of other people as well.  In the end, they always came back to each other, although in later years their relationship was much more intellectual than physical.  It's no secret though that most philosophers are unable to follow the tenets of their own philosophy.  I think de Beauvoir struggled with jealousy, while at the same time trying to act as if Sartre's numerous affairs didn't bother her, which isn't particularly authentic.  While she had affairs outside her relationship with Sartre, they were much fewer and further in between.  In spite of those affairs, they were still loyal to each other until the end.  They were partners almost their whole lives, and they shared everything from love to work.  I think that kind of relationship is more rare, but not impossible to achieve.

Well said. And for the record, I wasn't criticizing your choice, even if my question might have seemed to come across that way. I was interested. I think de Beauvoir was quite devoted to Sartre. She referenced him in so much of her work. Sartre did not reciprocate as far as I can tell. I find de Beauvoir's work more interesting myself. In my opinion, Sartre was brilliant but he lost hold of the world whereas de Beauvoir did not. Anyway, I think that having an open relationship does not necessarily entail promiscuity as it is constructed by society and that the open relationship idea is, in itself, a social construct.

I have no intention of getting married but I'm thinking through ideas for secular (existentialist) marriages. In terms of ceremonies, this is a crazy idea but you could consider this:

Quote from: "Nietzsche"We have left the land and have embarked. We have burned our bridges behind usâ€"indeed, we have gone farther and destroyed the land behind us. Now, little ship, look out! Beside you is the ocean: to be sure, it does not always roar, and at times it lies spread out like silk and gold and reveries of graciousness. But hours will come when you will realize that it is infinite and that there is nothing more awesome than infinity. Oh, the poor bird that felt free and now strikes the walls of this cage! Woe, when you feel homesick for the land as if it had offered more freedomâ€"and there is no longer any "land."

I reinterpreted it. You could have the ceremony by the sea and set out in a boat.

Quote from: "philosoraptor"We're also in an open relationship, so both of us are free to explore other people, if you will.

I, too, am in an open relationship and we've explored other people both separately and individually.  It's wonderful to be able to find delight in your partner's delight.

We probably wouldn't get married as we both somewhat dislike the idea due to its history as a method of transferring ownership of a woman from her father to her husband.  I say probably because we might get married if he were to get insurance or, because of my ill health, to insure he is able to be with me in the event of hospitalization.

Quote from: "Kylyssa"

Quote from: "philosoraptor"We're also in an open relationship, so both of us are free to explore other people, if you will.

I, too, am in an open relationship and we've explored other people both separately and individually.  It's wonderful to be able to find delight in your partner's delight.

We probably wouldn't get married as we both somewhat dislike the idea due to its history as a method of transferring ownership of a woman from her father to her husband.  I say probably because we might get married if he were to get insurance or, because of my ill health, to insure he is able to be with me in the event of hospitalization.

This is among the many reasons I wish government would get out of the marriage business.

An assortment of living contracts, outlining benefits, recognized rights, child rearing intents and duties, and any arrangements of finance and partner-to-partner decision making would cover such needs with far greater success, in my opinion. While also shedding the religious and cultural misogyny.

The legal issues are definitely another reason I'd like to get married.  I trust him to respect my wishes in respect to my death and how I want my remains handled, or if I were to fall into a coma, etc... more so than my family would.  Flying Spaghetti Monster forbid, but yeah.  I'd rather my mother not be involved with that, since she has a hard time accepting that I'm an atheist.  Until civil unions have ALL the benefits of marriage, it makes more sense to get married.  Health insurance is another biggie, since I have some fairly serious health issues associated with asthma and PCOS.

This was the 'vows' part of the ceremony my friends chose to use for their wedding -

Dearly loved friends and relations, I have the honor of welcoming you all to this ceremony, in which we will wed [Person] and [Partner of Person] to each other.
They asked me to say a few words to set the proper mood and tone for their wedding.
I thought for quite some time about what I would say, discarding metaphors and quotes of love, before finally settling on a topic near to their hearts â€" Today I’m going to say a few words about zombies.
Zombies. The shambling ghouls of black and white Saturday matinees and the quick, ravenous monsters of modern horror are all suffering from the same disease â€" disconnection â€" from the world around them and from each other.
And aren’t we all there sometimes?
Don’t we shuffle to work, monosyllabic, until we get our caffeine, and then go through the motions of work and house as if completely unaware of other people? Don’t we set our sights on one desire after another, rushing from experience to experience without actually stopping to enjoy any of it?

Haven’t you found yourself staring into space, wishing for just a little more brains?
[Person] and [Partner of Person] were there too and they’ve decided to take the only vaccine that works â€" they’ve decided to get married. By which I mean they’ve decided to get connected â€" unashamedly, unhesitatingly connected â€" to each other.
In this they refuse to become numb themselves, they promise to give each other attention, consideration, and kindness â€" emotions zombies most certainly do not share. They refuse to feed on the heart and mind of the other, agreeing instead to grow those things together and share them equally. And they vow not to allow the other to become a zombie when they aren’t looking â€" slipping into apathy, numbness, and a maddening hunger. They do these things with the shotguns of their love strapped strongly to their backs and the truncheons of their humor held firmly in their hands.
Together, they will defend their humanity and their home with all the wit, grace, and power of any spunky heroine or over-sized hero.
Together they are an example of what is possible when two people set their sights on the same star. They cut through our 21st century cynicism and prove that, in fact, zombification is not inevitable â€" that friendship, love, and desire, when held with both hands, are the only weapons any of us need to stay human.
With the zombies held at bay by their mutual promises, Michelle and Matt are ready to face the other monsters of life â€" defending against the Frankenstein coworkers, the Soul Vampires of false friends, and the Mummy of age itself.
The adventure they are about to embark on has all the magic of any Hollywood movie and all the terror of true Lovecraftian horror â€" dread Cthulhu has nothing on balancing family Christmases.
But the truest fact is that as long as they stick together, connected to each other, the zombies of life, real and imagined, apathetic and disastrous, cannot harm them.
That said, let’s get married, shall we?
- Written by L.E.H. Light, 2008

I thought it was cute.  

Hahaha, pinko, that's epic.  My SO is a big zombie movie fan, so I bet he'd get a kick out of something like that.