Happy Atheist Forum

I lost my documents and schedules for this year's war on Christmas. Anybody have one I can borrow? I know, I'm an idiot. The Chief is going to kill me for this.

Trying to make up for it by forcing the local firefighters to take down their Christmas decorations. It's a start, right? Thankfully I graduated last year from 3rd level Recruit to 1st level Soldier. Anyway, I'm off to bully the local restaurants into not playing Christmas music.

 :|

I'm petitioning local schools to serve secular meals in the run up to the Christmas season. I'm also buying all the pecan nuts to artificially inflate their price, thereby putting pecan pie out of most people's Christmas budget. Expect the pecan bubble to burst next year. If anyone can help out with the cranberries let me know.

I'm threatening to sue any business that has the word Christmas or a tree or a Jesus anywhere in their building.  When they refuse I call up the local Mosques to picket their business ... apparently having 300 Muslims outside of your business is ... well bad for business.  Especially when I dump a huge pile of rocks close by.  I also run to the local schools and rip down all their Christmas decorations and spray paint "Jesus is a lie" on their walls.  Also I go to the grocery stores and steal all their gingerbread, cloves, turkeys, hams, potatoes, and biscuits a week before Christmas and light them on fire in the parking lot.  

My nefarious plot is to turn any and every snowflake ornament I see upside down.  Nobody will notice until it's too late.

I'm spreading the joy of Zombie Christmas carols!  

Zombie on the Housetop

Sung to the tune of Up on the Housetop

Up on the housetop, zombies pause
Eating poor old Santa Claus
Down thru the chimney come Santa's parts
Once a Zombie bites
Ouch that smarts
 
Chorus
Ho, Ho, Ho, better not go
Ho, Ho, Ho, better not go
Up on the housetop, snack, snack, snack
Down through the chimney comes Santa’s back.

First comes the corpse of little Nell
Oh, those Zombies bit it well.
Forget about a dolly that laughts and cries,
Zombies die first then open their eyes

Chorus

Next the undead are stalking little Will
Oh, just see he’s a glorious meal.
We use a hammer and lots of tacks,
And he has a brain and a spine that cracks.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Who wouldn’t go
Ho, Ho, Ho, Who wouldn’t go
Up on the housetop, snack, snack, snack
Down through the chimney comes Santa’s back.


From the book It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies! (http://www.amazon.com/Its-Beginning-Look-Like-Zombies/dp/0061956430)

meh. there's no such thing as war on christmas here .. because we've won already !

I dress up as Santa Claus, then when kids sit on my knee, I give them a present, but whisper in my ear that if they ever go to church again, I will kill their parents. That'll show those Christians. The best bit of course, because there is no god, I wont ever have to pay for the bad things I do!

Quote from: "SSY"I dress up as Santa Claus, then when kids sit on my knee, I give them a present, but whisper in my ear that if they ever go to church again, I will kill their parents. That'll show those Christians. The best bit of course, because there is no god, I wont ever have to pay for the bad things I do!

That was you???

Quote from: "SSY"I dress up as Santa Claus, then when kids sit on my knee, I give them a present, but whisper in my ear that if they ever go to church again, I will kill their parents. That'll show those Christians. The best bit of course, because there is no god, I wont ever have to pay for the bad things I do!

ROFL I think we have a winner.

Quote from: "Ellainix"

Quote from: "SSY"I dress up as Santa Claus, then when kids sit on my knee, I give them a present, but whisper in my ear that if they ever go to church again, I will kill their parents. That'll show those Christians. The best bit of course, because there is no god, I wont ever have to pay for the bad things I do!

That was you???

No need to thank me.

Last christmass I woke up with a porcelain jesus head nestled on my pillow. There was a note: "Merry CHRISTMASS! --Santa"
 

I've spiked all the Egg Nog with something special it should be totaly unexpected...*wispers* it's Rum. Now when all the good never-ever-drink-because-it's-a-sin Christians (thats all of them right?) Have an "innocent" holiday drink with thier families they'll get drunk, beligerant, and fight. Since they're Christians and never fight with family especialy during the holidays They won't know how to cope, because Christians never fight, so their families will be torn apart and they will no longer celibrate together. Ruining the holiday for them forever. Muwahahaha.


I can't belive noone has ever thought of this before this before.

Quote from: "Tanker"I've spiked all the Egg Nog with something special it should be totaly unexpected...*wispers* it's Rum. Now when all the good never-ever-drink-because-it's-a-sin Christians (thats all of them right?) Have an "innocent" holiday drink with thier families they'll get drunk, beligerant, and fight. Since they're Christians and never fight with family especialy during the holidays They won't know how to cope, because Christians never fight, so their families will be torn apart and they will no longer celibrate together. Ruining the holiday for them forever. Muwahahaha.


I can't belive noone has ever thought of this before this before.

Most of the Catholics in my family are either German or Irish.  Idea fail.  

I'm roping off every exit of the church parking lot during Christmas Mass and sitting out back in a lawn chair, eating some smores by a firepit and watching the show.

Quote from: "jrosebud"

Quote from: "Tanker"I've spiked all the Egg Nog with something special it should be totaly unexpected...*wispers* it's Rum. Now when all the good never-ever-drink-because-it's-a-sin Christians (thats all of them right?) Have an "innocent" holiday drink with thier families they'll get drunk, beligerant, and fight. Since they're Christians and never fight with family especialy during the holidays They won't know how to cope, because Christians never fight, so their families will be torn apart and they will no longer celibrate together. Ruining the holiday for them forever. Muwahahaha.


I can't belive noone has ever thought of this before this before.

Most of the Catholics in my family are either German or Irish.  Idea fail.  

It was supposed to be tounge in cheek, kinda like the rest of the thread. So mabye joke comprehension fail? Or mabye not obvious enough with my over the topness on my part?

For the last year i've been splicing holly and mistletoe with the poison oak gene. As soon as people start to decorate their houses it will be fat lips, puffy eyes and over-loaded emergency rooms.

Mwuhahahaha!!

God damnit, Project Antichrist-mas can't go forward if we keep losing documents.

First, we are going to hold a day where we sacrifice 666 babies to Satan. We will then drink the blood of the virgin babes while destroying all hopes for pure Christians shopping at their local Wal-Marts by demanding that the store not sell to Christians.

All nativity scenes are to be smashed on sight and anyone dressed as Santa is going to pay....pay dearly...

Anything else?

Quote from: "Big Mac"God damnit, Project Antichrist-mas can't go forward if we keep losing documents.

First, we are going to hold a day where we sacrifice 666 babies to Satan. We will then drink the blood of the virgin babes while destroying all hopes for pure Christians shopping at their local Wal-Marts by demanding that the store not sell to Christians.

All nativity scenes are to be smashed on sight and anyone dressed as Santa is going to pay....pay dearly...

Anything else?

I think the documents said something about the salvation army too.  Something about stealing all their bells or filling their buckets with scorpions or something I don't remember anymore ... someone had to go and lose the official documents

Quote from: "LoneMateria"

Quote from: "Big Mac"God damnit, Project Antichrist-mas can't go forward if we keep losing documents.

First, we are going to hold a day where we sacrifice 666 babies to Satan. We will then drink the blood of the virgin babes while destroying all hopes for pure Christians shopping at their local Wal-Marts by demanding that the store not sell to Christians.

All nativity scenes are to be smashed on sight and anyone dressed as Santa is going to pay....pay dearly...

Anything else?

I think the documents said something about the salvation army too.  Something about stealing all their bells or filling their buckets with scorpions or something I don't remember anymore ... someone had to go and lose the official documents

It was on page 69, we are to pee in their donation buckets AFTER taking the money to feed poor people. Gawd, people, get it right!!!

For the record: I'm not with these guys.  

Quote from: "Tanker"

Quote from: "jrosebud"

Quote from: "Tanker"I've spiked all the Egg Nog with something special it should be totaly unexpected...*wispers* it's Rum. Now when all the good never-ever-drink-because-it's-a-sin Christians (thats all of them right?) Have an "innocent" holiday drink with thier families they'll get drunk, beligerant, and fight. Since they're Christians and never fight with family especialy during the holidays They won't know how to cope, because Christians never fight, so their families will be torn apart and they will no longer celibrate together. Ruining the holiday for them forever. Muwahahaha.


I can't belive noone has ever thought of this before this before.

Most of the Catholics in my family are either German or Irish.  Idea fail.   ;)

Quote from: "Big Mac"It was on page 69, we are to pee in their donation buckets AFTER taking the money to feed poor people. Gawd, people, get it right!!!

Oh yeah thats right it was right after fart in jars and give them as gifts.

Quote from: "jrosebud"...draw Hitler mustaches on the plastic baby Jesus lawn statues at Wal-Mart.

Umm, I don't know if you read this or thought it up on your own, but it sounds like Special Tactic #3 for the Junior Atheist Ninja Corps: Large handlebar mustaches for Virgin Mary and stylish pencil mustaches (à la Gomez Adams) for Baby Jesus. (If I remember correctly, the toothbrush mustache you describe was considered and rejected by the World Atheist Conspiracy Council as being a bit gauche.)  This is only for the JANC though.  You want to go ahead and do it, fine, but you'll be spoiling Christmas for some needy atheist kids in your area if you do.

By the way, good to see you here again, curio'.  Excellent thread, thank you!

Quote from: "jrosebud"Just pointing out that most of the Christians I know don't think it's a sin to drink.  They can hold their liquor better than I can.  If we're going to do this war on Christmas thing right, we have to go at it from a different angle.  We could draw Hitler mustaches on the plastic baby Jesus lawn statues at Wal-Mart.  Yes, no?

Maybe joke delivery fail?  

It was supposed to be an ignorant stereotype. I don't see how an your honest reponse to my joke post enhances anything.

Me: knock knock?
You: There isn't a door there you're just saying "knock knock" and pantomiming.

See how that kinda ruins the fun?

Regardless I have decided that it's a waste of good booze. So instead I've decided to go to the chuch down the street and offer to set a traditional Christmas ceremony. I still haven't decided if it will be the Babylonian feast to the Son of Isis or the Roman Saturnalia to the god Saturn. Whichever I choose I think they will so happy to learn I've kept to the original meaning of the holiday.

Quote from: "Tanker"

Quote from: "jrosebud"Just pointing out that most of the Christians I know don't think it's a sin to drink.  They can hold their liquor better than I can.  If we're going to do this war on Christmas thing right, we have to go at it from a different angle.  We could draw Hitler mustaches on the plastic baby Jesus lawn statues at Wal-Mart.  Yes, no?

Maybe joke delivery fail?  :hmm: My observation was meant to poke fun at that in a lighthearted manner.  Methinks you're kind of trampling the fun a bit, as I've responded in good humour.  *shrug*

ON WIT ZE PLANS!

Uh Oh, someone is not very happy with you people....

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/208058 (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/208058)

Quote from: "LoneMateria"

Quote from: "Big Mac"It was on page 69, we are to pee in their donation buckets AFTER taking the money to feed poor people. Gawd, people, get it right!!!

Oh yeah thats right it was right after fart in jars and give them as gifts.

Now you're getting it!!!!

I intend to hack the church computer; put some harmless pictures of naked children on it; then call the FBI anonymously to tell them that I've discovered a child porno ring. With a little luck the whole church community will have to spend their Christmas Holidays in prison   .

Well Tom, you may be wasting your time by hacking in a planting the porn, why not just phone the FBI now, save the effort.

Quote from: "SSY"Well Tom, you may be wasting your time by hacking in a planting the porn, why not just phone the FBI now, save the effort.

Yes I could save some time, but It is only half the fun in case the FBI wouldn't find any pictures on the PC. With the planted evidence, you'll probably start  a wonderful  children porn"witch-hunt", the church will think that the PC is possessed, etc. etc.

Quote from: "Tom62"

Quote from: "SSY"Well Tom, you may be wasting your time by hacking in a planting the porn, why not just phone the FBI now, save the effort.

Yes I could save some time, but It is only half the fun in case the FBI wouldn't find any pictures on the PC. With the planted evidence, you'll probably start  a wonderful  children porn"witch-hunt", the church will think that the PC is possessed, etc. etc.

No no christians will think the devil planted those photos.  If this were to actually happen I wonder if the non-catholic churches would clean house.  We all know the catholic church just shuffles around guilty members and allows them to do it again.  I wonder if the rest of the world would actually fire their asses.

Quote from: "LoneMateria"

Quote from: "Tom62"

Quote from: "SSY"Well Tom, you may be wasting your time by hacking in a planting the porn, why not just phone the FBI now, save the effort.

Yes I could save some time, but It is only half the fun in case the FBI wouldn't find any pictures on the PC. With the planted evidence, you'll probably start  a wonderful  children porn"witch-hunt", the church will think that the PC is possessed, etc. etc.

No no christians will think the devil planted those photos.  If this were to actually happen I wonder if the non-catholic churches would clean house.  We all know the catholic church just shuffles around guilty members and allows them to do it again.  I wonder if the rest of the world would actually fire their asses.

From their perspective, that would pretty much be true. :\

My Assault on FaceBook (http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=10486&uid=209511708695)

Im going to steal away all the presents, pudding, decorations, and roast beast. Just because my heart is 2 sizes to small.

Actually Im not going to do anything. I have nothing against Pagans or there traditions really. Already christians have started to bombard everyone with what the season is all about. One lady MADE THE NORTH DAKOTA EVENIG NEWS because one of her chickens laid a disformed egg. This woman was brought to tears by the egg because in its swirling deformity was a cross. She claimed god sent her the egg as a reminder of what the season is all about.

Quote from: "Ellainix"My Assault on FaceBook (http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=10486&uid=209511708695)

No replies after 6 hours = win!