Happy Atheist Forum

Purely hypothetical---

If Jesus were to drop from the sky and be like "Whuttup?" and he told you that you could ask him one question- any question- before he went on with his rapture and all that, what would you ask?

Mine would be thusly:

Jesus. You made me in your image, right? So what's the deal with tendonitis? That shit hurts like a bitch, and you created me in your image, which I assume means at some point you have had or will have tendonitis. I know that there are other ailments that seem to be from poor design like back and neck pain and sinus pressure, but to have a tendon go through a sheath in the insides of a joint, and not have that sheath be big enough to allow for an inflamed tendon... that is just all sorts of fail.  :rant:

Anyway, good talking to you Jesus. Enjoy your sandals and fishes and loaves and such.

Hismikeness

I'd ask him why his dad created religion.

I'd ask him if he has x-ray vision.

I'd ask him if he could make everyone stop caring about religion since he really does love us all, only a someone who didn't have any love for you would wish such thing on everyone.

I'd ask him why he considered 2000 years "soon".

Why the hell?

I have some questions:

"You did the woman at the well, didn't you?"

"When you were up there on the cross, did you look down at that crowd of people and ponder to yourself, 'What the fuck was I thinking?!!' I'm dying for these dipshits?"

"When you get really, really pissed off, do you say, "Me-Fucking-Me!?

"The Holy Spirit is just some shit you and your dad made up to fuck with people, isn't it?"

"Buddha was a total pussy, wasn't he?"

Hey, Jesus. According to mythology, the Greek god Zeus used to come down to earth, turn into a cow, and seduce women. According to Christian mythology, you were tortured then crucified. If you're the creator of the universeâ€"all-powerful and all that jazzâ€"why didn't you choose to have fun with it?

I'd ask him, and I say this with a staunch record of heterosexuality, to see his junk.

Think about it... if you were a god who made yourself a man, you know you'd have to give yourself a massive leg-splitting member, right? Right?? I mean, dude wouldn't want some little baby-dick-and-balls swinging between the legs. Dude would want to show that he is more than human.

god knows I would.

Also, I'd ask him if he and the apostles twelve ever "ran a train" on Mary Magdalene. That chick was a slut and we all know it.

Side note... goddamn it, isn't blaspheming fun?  

IhateYouMike I don't want to derail this thread about penises but c'mon now ... he was a Jew ... the stigmas are about sex because he was to tiny.  No woman would sleep with him so he found a way to fuck them forever.

Quote from: "LoneMateria"IhateYouMike I don't want to derail this thread about penises but c'mon now ... he was a Jew ... the stigmas are about sex because he was to tiny.  No woman would sleep with him so he found a way to fuck them forever.

 lol

Quote from: "LoneMateria"IhateYouMike I don't want to derail this thread about penises but c'mon now ... he was a Jew ... the stigmas are about sex because he was to tiny.  No woman would sleep with him so he found a way to fuck them forever.

You know how you think you may be a racist because you get in trouble for inconsiderate things you say that upset people. Well that's case in point. As far as I know the jokes about Jews and thier penises are related to thier circumcisions not size. Penis sizes are pretty well averaged regarless of race. Most stereotypes are negative and used to belittle another group or demographic and have very little basis in fact.



I would ask Jesus "do you think mabye you should get this all writen down now while you're alive, you know so people won't guess, make it up, or out right lie about it generations after your death when it does finaly get written down. (but of course he should know all that being the son of himself, or god, anyway)

Quote from: "Tanker"

Quote from: "LoneMateria"IhateYouMike I don't want to derail this thread about penises but c'mon now ... he was a Jew ... the stigmas are about sex because he was to tiny.  No woman would sleep with him so he found a way to fuck them forever.

You know how you think you may be a racist because you get in trouble for inconsiderate things you say that upset people. Well that's case in point. As far as I know the jokes about Jews and thier penises are related to thier circumcisions not size. Penis sizes are pretty well averaged regarless of race. Most stereotypes are negative and used to belittle another group or demographic and have very little basis in fact.

Way to derail the thread about penises Tanker.  I'm surprised you have so much knowledge about the Jewish penis.  Where do you get such insightful information?  I bet its personal experience ... one way or another.  Its funny you instantly resort to calling me a racist.  Well news flash everyone is racist to some extent.  Thats not the problem here.  The problem is you are implying i'm an "ignorant racist" and then go on to "edumacate" me.  Just because I made a impersonal joke that you got offended at doesn't mean that I instantly hate all all the people I make the joke at nor does it mean that I treat then any different.  If you don't like it thats your problem don't berate people or their intelligence by try to, "explain why racy jokes are bad".  Its a joke meant to get a hardy laugh, and just because you don't find that funny it doesn't mean that everyone else doesn't find it funny either.

A Christian, a Jew and Tanker walk into a Mosque....

Quote from: "LoneMateria"

Quote from: "Tanker"

Quote from: "LoneMateria"IhateYouMike I don't want to derail this thread about penises but c'mon now ... he was a Jew ... the stigmas are about sex because he was to tiny.  No woman would sleep with him so he found a way to fuck them forever.

You know how you think you may be a racist because you get in trouble for inconsiderate things you say that upset people. Well that's case in point. As far as I know the jokes about Jews and thier penises are related to thier circumcisions not size. Penis sizes are pretty well averaged regarless of race. Most stereotypes are negative and used to belittle another group or demographic and have very little basis in fact.

Way to derail the thread about penises Tanker.  I'm surprised you have so much knowledge about the Jewish penis.  Where do you get such insightful information?  I bet its personal experience ... one way or another.  Its funny you instantly resort to calling me a racist.  Well news flash everyone is racist to some extent.  Thats not the problem here.  The problem is you are implying i'm an "ignorant racist" and then go on to "edumacate" me.  Just because I made a impersonal joke that you got offended at doesn't mean that I instantly hate all all the people I make the joke at nor does it mean that I treat then any different.  If you don't like it thats your problem don't berate people or their intelligence by try to, "explain why racy jokes are bad".  Its a joke meant to get a hardy laugh, and just because you don't find that funny it doesn't mean that everyone else doesn't find it funny either.

A Christian, a Jew and Tanker walk into a Mosque....

First you started the penis/derailment not I.

Second how much personal information would I need to know an ignorant stereotypes are just that ignorant and stereotypical. You yourself have brought up you possible racism even started threads on this forum about it, I was pointing out that this was one of the situation where your admited bluntness was coming of as racist.

4th there is nothing wrong with being ignorant we are all ignorant of many things. There is however a problem with being ignorant after you have that right information it called willfull ignorance and I find little excusefor it. I attempted to point out that ignorance so you could fill it.

5th I never said nor implied you hated anyone. I never berated you or your intelligence just pointed out your ignorance and it's poor taste.

6th you seem to be taking it WAAAYYY to seriously. While yes it was directed at you it was meant to be niether an attack nor offencive.

Quote from: "Tanker"First you started the penis/derailment not I.

Actually IhateYouMike started it.  What does starting it have to do with anything?

Quote from: "Tanker"Second how much personal information would I need to know an ignorant stereotypes are just that ignorant and stereotypical.

First off you missed the puns I was intending.  Don't worry about it when an insult goes over your head it makes it funnier I don't need to explain it.  Let's just move on.  Here you are saying i'm being ignorant and stereotypical and doing so you are pointing out your own ignorance.  Lets define ignorance for the sake of this part of the discussion.

From Dictionary.com

ignorant â€"adjective
1.   lacking in knowledge or training; unlearned: an ignorant man.
2.   lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact: ignorant of quantum physics.
3.   uninformed; unaware.
4.   due to or showing lack of knowledge or training: an ignorant statement.

Now that you know what ignorance means let me explain how this doesn't apply to this situation.  When I made the joke I was not ignorant about it because I KNOW it's a stereotype as do most people.  I was using that stereotype to make a joke.  That by itself contradicts all the definitions of the word ignorant.  

Quote from: "Tanker"You yourself have brought up you possible racism even started threads on this forum about it, I was pointing out that this was one of the situation where your admited bluntness was coming of as racist.

You are factually wrong here.  I never started any thread about being a possible racist that was someone else.  Also because I am an ass let me explain to you what racism is since the meaning is lost for you.

From Dictionary.com

racism â€"noun
1.   a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
2.   a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
3.   hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

Can you show me where I have done any of these things?  Where have I said I hate someone for their race or their religion?  Where have I said my race is superior to anyone?  Again you show you don't know what you are talking about.  You just saw a joke that you didn't like and start screaming racist like a child who doesn't know any better.

Quote from: "Tanker"4th there is nothing wrong with being ignorant we are all ignorant of many things. There is however a problem with being ignorant after you have that right information it called willfull ignorance and I find little excusefor it. I attempted to point out that ignorance so you could fill it.

Again as I pointed out earlier that it was not ignorance.  You are building a straw man argument here congrats ^_^

Quote from: "Tanker"5th I never said nor implied you hated anyone. I never berated you or your intelligence just pointed out your ignorance and it's poor taste.

You used the term Racist which implies hatred.  You used the term ignorant which implies lack of intelligence.  You are making accusations about me based on your own ignorance.  If you think my joke was in poor taste thats your prerogative.  That because I disagree with you and found the joke funny doesn't make me a hateful or ignorant person nor does it mean I need to stop telling the joke.  Just because you don't like it doesn't mean I can't say it. (Freedom of Speech 101 baby)

Quote from: "Tanker"6th you seem to be taking it WAAAYYY to seriously. While yes it was directed at you it was meant to be niether an attack nor offencive.

I'm clearing up your misconceptions of what transpired.  I will admit it pissed me off that you call me hateful and ignorant.  That is an attack and a tactic you are trying to use to shut me up whether or not you realize it.  You don't like what I say so you expect to shame me into being quiet about it by using "dirty words" like racist.  Your reply was a directed attack to achieve that purpose and you know it.  Oh and you need to learn to loosen up at a joke.  Nothing pisses me off more then when someone gets all upset over a damn joke.

Well, I'll attempt to get this back on track...

I might also ask, does it piss you off that the universal symbol for those who follow you is a cross? And the Catholics go so far as to spread your bloody, beat up body all over the front, display it egregiously, usually pointing downward atop the congregation, but they call it a crucifix. I mean, though crucifixion is obviously good for the mid-section (seriously, Christ had some abs...) I'm sure it felt well below average. I would think you wouldn't ever want to see one of those again.

Quote from: "LoneMateria"snip

Wow,  

Also, I would ask him what the deal with being his own dad is, does that make bath time awkward?

Quote from: "SSY"

Quote from: "LoneMateria"snip

Wow,  :hmm:

Quote from: "SSY"Also, I would ask him what the deal with being his own dad is, does that make bath time awkward?

Lol would touching himself be considered sexual abuse?

Quote from: "LoneMateria"

Quote from: "Tanker"First you started the penis/derailment not I.

Actually IhateYouMike started it.  What does starting it have to do with anything?

alright you two... Play nice. And for the record, I played no part in this derailment other than writing a response to the OP. No need to bring me into your little squabble. Perhaps a lightening up is in order for the both of ya.

And as for the joke in question, it wasn't even a good one... I thought the small-penis stereotype was reserved for Asians.
 

Quote from: "Ihateyoumike"alright you two... Play nice. And for the record, I played no part in this derailment other than writing a response to the OP. No need to bring me into your little squabble. Perhaps a lightening up is in order for the both of ya.

And as for the joke in question, it wasn't even a good one... I thought the small-penis stereotype was reserved for Asians.
 wtf he was talking about (at several points).  Since its been days since he said anything either he hasn't been on or I shut him up, either way i'm much happier.

As far as the stereotypes go I know one was Asians had little penises.  It was always jews and money/penises and asians in driving/penises.  I don't feel like being thorough so i'm leaving out a few stereotypes in there and other races stereotypes.  Anyway i'm going to attempt to put us back on track.

I have a few questions i'd ask Jesus.

Is it true the only woman you hung around with, other then your mother, was a prostitute?
How come you did such a crappy job telling people how you felt about different issues?
Why do you enjoy watching everyone suffer?  Did your dad touch you as a child?  Err ... did you touch yourself as a child and scar yourself?
Can you do me a favor and get on national television with George W. Bush and tell him that you never spoke to him and he didn't do anything for you?

That's a lot of trouble revolving around Jesus' penis. That'll be the end of it.

If you had one question for Jesus:

Did you ever preform miracles in Salem?

I'd ask jesus why he keeps staring at me in morbid horror.

I'd ask what he thought of 'St. Pauls' version of his purpose on earth.

Cheers,

Drew.

"How much does it suck to be constantly mistaken for a White guy?"

"Hey Jesus, I'll swear fealty to you if you give me a ham sandwich" *takes ham sandwich*
"Whath wath thath? Thwearing fealthy?"*gulp* "I have no recollection of the event in question."

...
"Hey? What are you trying to imply?"  

hmmm.. this is a toughie.

Bacon or shrimp?

Jesus why did you allow the Christians to corrupt you and your teachings into the great evil that they have become and do nothing to stop it.  And because of the evil done by Christianity should you any longer be called Jesus or should you simply be called Satan.