Happy Atheist Forum

Sooooo I got into a discussion with my boyfriend about whether or not he could find someone better. Note, I have an extremely large lack of self-esteem, and it was a genuine question. Well it ended how those things always end, with him saying good night and logging off. I have not heard from him since.

SO I'm sitting here wondering, has he just simply had enough with me, or is he just staying away for awhile. Ack, time will tell, eventually when winter break is over I'll either see him completely avoiding me, at which point I'll know he has had enough of me and that it is over, or he won't. Oh well, maybe some things just weren't meant to be? Even though when I first met him I thought he was absolutely amazing, still do sorta, just dunno if he really intends to put up with my bullshit for very long.  

Ah, to be young and in love.  Don't get so caught up in it.  You have a long life ahead of you.  I will say, however, insecurity is a key trait of failed relationships.

From experience I can tell you that avoiding the other person instead of discussing whatever is the issue is not good for relationships.

Did he not tell you that there is no way he could find someone better?  If not then you should find a smarter guy.  

Quote from: "laetusatheos"From experience I can tell you that avoiding the other person instead of discussing whatever is the issue is not good for relationships.

Did he not tell you that there is no way he could find someone better?  If not then you should find a smarter guy.  

Lol good point, well if it IS over then I guess I will have to do just that

Quote from: "mDarkPoet"Sooooo I got into a discussion with my boyfriend about whether or not he could find someone better.

That's different.

Be honest and require honesty. That's the only real relationship advice people usually need. If you're concerned he's not happy ask him. If he isn't happy, find out why. Be proactive. There's no reason to be by yourself, continuing a one-person cycle of uncertainty.

First, don't ever ask a guy that question! LOL! What a terrible thing to ask him.

I'm just kidding of course. What I mean to say is that when you do ask him that question you are supposed to be firmly grasping his testicles in your clenched fist with a firm, but steady pressure. Then you will get the answer you want and keep control of the relationship.

(I probably should have checked your age before posting this reply....please don't be 14 or something. I'll get fired from my Mod job!).  

You asked a guy if he could find someone better than you? Were you looking to deliberatley sabotage your self esteem?

I wanted to know if he really wants to be with ME or just wants someone in general.

It's different if he just wants someone in general, he could probably find someone better suited to his needs if that is the case.

I'm just asking for my own protection.

And no I'm not 14 McQ  

Quote from: "mDarkPoet"I wanted to know if he really wants to be with ME or just wants someone in general.

It's different if he just wants someone in general, he could probably find someone better suited to his needs if that is the case.

I'm just asking for my own protection.

And no I'm not 14 McQ  

A better way to phrase that might have been - "Do you want me or do you just want someone?"

The other wording "whether or not he could find someone better" is just asking for misunderstanding and hurt.  It is either saying you don't think you are good enough or that you think you are the best he can get, as in he sucks so his options are limited or that you think you are too good for him.  In chat, you need to more carefully consider your words than in a spoken conversation.

It's kind of an immature conversation to get into, whichever way it was meant, really.  If someone had that conversation with me and wasn't in the grip of drug withdrawal or a major suicidal depression I'd probably break it off with her.

Quote from: "mDarkPoet"I wanted to know if he really wants to be with ME or just wants someone in general.

It's different if he just wants someone in general, he could probably find someone better suited to his needs if that is the case.

I'm just asking for my own protection.

And no I'm not 14 McQ  

Sorry, I really didn't mean it as an insult. Honest!

I would have to agree with Kylissa's advice on this. I think she's right on the money.

Sadly, I wouldn't know, as my relationship experience is severely limited.

but yeah, low self-esteem should be corrected.

I would work on the self esteem issue first. The annoying cliché you have to love yourself first, regrettably, is true. If you don't you'll most likely worry too much about if another loves you. Worry leads to fear. Fear leads to actions you normally wouldn't do.

McQ is right. Kylyssa is right. Sophus is right. Will is right. That's the bitch about relationships. There's never a single, good, end-all solution.

I was in a relationship like that for almost five years. I wasn't in love with her, I was in love with the idea of her. She was cute, funny, smart and totally not right for me. But damned if everyone else didn't think we looked great together and if every guy wasn't jealous of me. I was in the relationship for all the wrong reasons, and it wasn't fair to her or to me. I'm not saying you're in the same situation, but  it sounds like it might not be far off: there's probably a part of you that (regardless of your self-esteem issues) knows you shouldn't be with him.

Do you want him to find someone "better suited to his needs" or do you want him to want to find someone? There's a tremendous difference.

Still, I'll echo the sentiment from others and raise the Existentialist flag: know thyself.

Curio, you rock.  

Eh, when I first saw him I immediately fell in lust? Since no one believes in the idea of love at first sight anymore lol. So ok I'll say lust.

I'd watch his every move, and I'd ask my friend Elena about him, to tell me more about him, and knowing more about him made me love him more.

I'm not in love with the idea of being with someone, I am in love with him. But I am unsure if it's the same for him, if I'm just a rebound girl from his last relationship (which lasted 3 years btw).

I mean everything seems to point in that direction for him but I don't want it to. I ask because I want to be absolutely certain he loves me as much as I love him. If he doesn't then it'll never work.

Quote from: "curiosityandthecat"McQ is right. Kylyssa is right. Sophus is right. Will is right.

We need to add to that list. Curio is right. Know thyself.

Not to offend you mDarkPoet but the problem is that most people don't know what love is and they mistake ir for being in a symbiotic attachment with someone. Immature love says I love you because I need you. Mature love says I need you because I love you.

Quote from: "Sophus"

Quote from: "curiosityandthecat"McQ is right. Kylyssa is right. Sophus is right. Will is right.

We need to add to that list. Curio is right. Know thyself.

Not to offend you mDarkPoet but the problem is that most people don't know what love is and they mistake ir for being in a symbiotic attachment with someone. Immature love says I love you because I need you. Mature love says I need you because I love you.

Well, now I think Sophus is right!

Actually, I do really like what you said here. I really like it. I never thought about it in such simple, but strong words. Very nice!

Sophus should write "i love you" cards for Hallmark.

From what I'm reading you type, you're in no position to be in a romantic relationship, missy. This guy is probably itching for a way out, and I don't blame him. You need to not be insecure. Insecurity will doom any relationship. Believe me.

Ha ha. Awe shucks guys.    Actually, Sophus has read a lot of psychology books and I think that was one of the ideas in smoething I read (or close enough to it anyways). Can't remember what though....

Hang on. 'A discussion'. 'Logged off'. You mean you were emailing each other? Wouldn't it be wise to talk, face-to-face?

Quote from: "Sophus"I would work on the self esteem issue first. The annoying cliché you have to love yourself first, regrettably, is true. If you don't you'll most likely worry too much about if another loves you. Worry leads to fear. Fear leads to actions you normally wouldn't do.

This rings so true. I too have battled with low self-esteem, and I have held on so tight to the few girls I've "fallen in love" with in my lifetime that I've smothered them. It's not easy to hear that from someone you love. Fear of losing a person is not healthy for a relationship. As Sophus stated, it will lead to actions you normally wouldn't do. It will also lead to jealousy, which is also unhealthy in a relationship. And take it from me, members of both sexes can sabotage the relationships they're in from low self-esteem and fear of losing their love.

As for me, I've been single for over a year now since my last girlfriend broke up with me saying that I was smothering her and she needed to be alone. I couldn't understand that at the time, because I was blinded by my love for her, but now I respect where she was coming from. And, looking back on it, I was too afraid of losing her. But more than that, I was afraid of being alone because of my low self-esteem. I have not actively searched for another girlfriend since because of the fact that I'm working on making sure I'm happy with who I am first. It's much easier said than done, and I'm still scared as hell that I'll end up alone as an old guy, but I'm realizing that even at 26 years old I still have plenty of time to find that one person.

I'm not saying that is the answer for your situation, but maybe it's something else to think about. I'm impressed with the good advice that everyone has given you here so far, and I suggest you take it to heart, and really look inwards for the answer to your problem.

And to end this, I'll leave you with a line from a song that really helped me get past my hurt of being broken-up with. It's from one of my favorite groups called Blue October, and it's from a song called (appropriately enough) The Answer:

QuoteAnd thats where I want to state this claim
That I've got to learn to live and dream
Before I go and get myself in love