Happy Atheist Forum

I just thought since we have an image dump, why not a joke dump?

here are a few of mine:

A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to heaven," the mother replied.
Her son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.' The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.' The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way'.

The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.'

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Top 10 Reasons Beer is Better than Jesus:

* No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
* Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
* Beer has never caused a major war.
* They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
* When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
* Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
* You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
* There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
* You can prove you have a Beer.
* If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

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oh and go here. Its hilarious... or religulous.... i can't decide which one
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/ (http://www.landoverbaptist.org/)

I don't know many atheist jokes...Here is one that makes fun of Christians though:

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there is so much to live for." "Like what?" "Well, are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915." I said, "Die, heretic," and pushed him off.
-Emo Phillips

wow that was amazing... ^_^ oh and congrats on being the only Christian that's stayed with us! I was beginning to think it wasn't possible

Quote from: "Titan"I don't know many atheist jokes...Here is one that makes fun of Christians though:

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there is so much to live for." "Like what?" "Well, are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915." I said, "Die, heretic," and pushed him off.
-Emo Phillips

ZOMG I absolutely adore Emo. I saw one of his stand-up specials a long time ago and haven't been able to find it again. I'm quite put out about that.

A priest visits a man who's wife recently died. When he rings the bell, no one answers, but since the door is open he decides to go in anyway.
In the living room, the priest sees that the widower is completely drunk and that on the table stands a bottle of vodka that is nearly empty.
The priest is of course shocked to see the man in such a state and asks "My son, is this really the only comfort that you have?".
"No of course not, Father." the widower replies. The priest looks relieved. "I've got another bottle in the fridge".

Two befriended vicars meet each other after a long time. After some harmless chitchat, the first vicar asks his colleague "How many bibles per week does  your congregation sell?". "Not one" says the second vicar. "That is really bad, because my congregation sells at least 5 per week". The second vicar feels a bit guilty, so in his first church  service he asks his flock whether someone could help him to sell more bibles. After the service, Harry the stammerer goes to the vicar and says "Pl.. ple.. please, gi.. give m.. m.. me 10, vi, vi, vicar". The vicar felt sorry for Harry, but nethertheless gave him 10 bibles. The next week Harry asked for 10 more and that just went on and on every week. The vicar was of course curious, how Harry could to sell all these bibles. So after the church service he asked  Harry "How do you manage to sell those bibles so easily?". "Quite simple, look I ring the bell and then ask w, wo,, wou, would y, yo, you like to b, bu, buy a b, bi, bib, bibl, bible or w, wo, would you li, like m, me to  re, rea, read a p, pa, par, part of it". Most people then decide to b. bu., buy them.

An atheist arrives after his death in hell. After walking around desperately he encounters a demon.
Demon: "Why are you so sad, friend?"
Atheist: "What do you think? I am in hell!"
Demon: "Hell ain't that bad. We have a lot of fun here. Do you like to drink?"
Atheist: "Of course, I love to drink."
Demon: "Then Monday is the day for you. Each Monday we don't do anything else than drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we vomit and then drink even more."
Atheist: "Wow, that's great!"
Demon: "Do you smoke?"
Atheist: "Sure."
Demon: "In that case the Tuesdays are fantastic. We smoke the finest cigars in the world until we cough to death. Since we are already dead, we don't give a damn!"
Atheist: "Wow"!"
Demon: "I assume that you also like gambling."
Atheist: "As a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because the Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Atheist: "Cool."
Demon: "Do you like drugs?"
Atheist: "I love drugs, but seriously you are not going to say..."
Demon: "Sure, I do! Thursday is drugs day. Take any drugs you want and enjoy it!"
Atheist: "I never know that hell is such a fun place!"
Demon: "Are you gay?"
Atheist: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ahh... in that case you won't like our  Fridays..."

I've got a brilliant one but it's visual (you need an envelope)!!!!

Kyu

Quote from: "Kyuuketsuki"I've got a brilliant one but it's visual (you need an envelope)!!!!

Kyu

Got a digital camera with a video option?  

Quote from: "curiosityandthecat"

Quote from: "Kyuuketsuki"I've got a brilliant one but it's visual (you need an envelope)!!!!

Kyu

Got a digital camera with a video option?  

Yes but I don't like me on camera.

Kyu

Kyu, could you describe it to us?

Here is another one  

Sister  Catherine asked all catholic children in the classroom, what they want to be when they are grown up.
Little  Sheila: 'When I'm grown up, I want to be a prostitute.'
Sister Catherine is shocked and cries out: 'What did you say?'
'A prostitute, Sister.' repeats Sheila timidly.
Sister Catherine: ''Thank God! I thought that you'd said protestant!'

Some naughty ones  

Q: What do a Catholic priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
A: Their balls are only for decoration.

Q: What did Adam said to Eve on their first night together?
A: Stand back! I don't know how big this thing is going to be.

Q: What is the easiest way for a nun to get pregnant?
A: By dressing themselves up as a choirboy.

Q: Why  did God create the man?
A: Because cucumbers cannot put the garbage bin out.

Hi, everyone.  Some of these are very funny, and I've heard a few said in church before.  Anyway, I just have a few classics to contribute:

Q. Why didn't the cannibals boil the missionary?
A.  Because he was a friar!

Q. Why did God brick off a section of Heaven for [denomination]s?
A. They wouldn't come unless they were the only ones there!

The elders at Saddleback Church wanted to commemorate Rick Warren's inauguration invocation with a grand portrait titled, "Warren in Washington."  Unfortunately the only painter up to the job happened to be an atheist.  He was reluctant, but the money was good and he finally agreed on two conditions: privacy and unrestricted artistic license.  He worked and worked, never admitting anyone to his studio, until finally the day came for the painting to be revealed.  But when the atheist pulled away the curtain, the picture was of a couple on a beach, passionately making out by the Pacific Ocean.

The elders from Saddleback were shocked.  "Who is that man?" they demanded.  "Joel Osteen," said the atheist.  "And who is that vulgar woman?"  "Why, that is Rick Warren's wife," said the atheist.  "And where," the elders asked, "is Rick Warren?"  The atheist said, "Warren's in Washington."

Heaven is manifested as a huge skyscraper, and the Archangel Gabriel is the elevator-operator. As each new entrant arrives, the Archangel asks for their religious affiliation, and each is taken to the appropriate floor:

Gabriel asks, "Religious affiliation?"
"Methodist."
Peter looks down his list, and says, "I'll let you off at floor 24, but everyone please be very quiet as we pass floor 13."
Another arrives at the elevator. "Religious affiliation?"
"Southern Baptist."
"We'll go to floor 66, but everyone please be very quiet as we pass floor 13."
A third arrives. "Religious affiliation?"
"Reformed Jew."
"Get off at floor 10, but everyone please be very quiet as we pass floor 13."
One of the passengers finally asks, "I can understand there being different floors for different religions, but why must we be quiet as we pass the 13th floor?"
"Well, the Jehovah's Witnesses are on that floor, and the loving All-Being has mandated this rule out of sheer kindness" explains the Archangel. "You see, only a small group of them imagined that they would be here in the first place - and they think they're the only ones here."

A lifelong atheist was walking through a wood looking at the fantastic scenery, feeling the warm wind blowing into his face, watchin the little squirrels hopping to an fro through the branches of the blossoming trees while listening to all the different birds singing to each other. He thought to himself  "what a brilliant thing evolution is".

Suddenly he heard a noise and when he looked up saw a giant brown grizzly bear running down the hill towards him :D ".

The wind started up again and the clouds started moving and the athiest looked expectantly into the bears eyes roflol

Landover Baptist is a parody site. A very biblically literate parody site--the peeps that run it must have been immersed in Christianity at one time and got wise. The site was recommended to me years ago by a sane Methodist.

Ancient joke--mid 60's?: How do we know God has a Plymouth? Because he drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Fury.
How do you terrorize a Unitarian family? Burn a question mark on their lawn.
Atheist Dyslectic grafitti: There Is No Dog!

It seems that many of these jokes are actually 'Christian.'  I suppose the only way to retaliate for some of them (old/Christian) is to reply in kind:

Q: What does "I.N.R.I." on Jesus's cross stand for?
A: "I'm Nailed Right In"

Ancient, and very poor, I know, but in 3rd/4th grade, it was considered very witty.  

Don't make me do this again!

By way of apology:

  During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic.

     The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ  the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost  who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward  thump! creak!  ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"

(Lifted from this page. (http://www.atheistempire.com/entertainment/humor.php))

What's the shortest atheist joke?




God.



Not sure if that's like a 'classic,' but my friend told me that one and it cracked me up. Ahhhhh.

A man is sent to hell. After he arrives he is very confused. He see tree and grass , clear rivers, and happy smilling people. A demon appears and introduces himself as his guide. "Wait" he says, "I thought this was hell?". "It is, but we try to keep things civilised, if people knew hell was this nice they wouldn't work twords heaven"and begins showing him around. He shown his beutifull modern apartment, the mall, but on the way to the park he see a lake of fire, with screaming people being tourted by other demons. "Wait I thought you said you keep it civilised why are those people being tourterd?" "Well there Catholic" he replies, "they seem to prefer it that way."

A college class was told they had to write a short story in
as few words as possible. The instructions were that the
short story had to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ paper in the class.

“God, I’m pregnant! I wonder who the father is.”

A lame one.

There's this convent where one day a nun got pregnant, so she went to talk with the mother superior and she told the nun, "don't worry, let's tell them you have some family issues that make you get out of the convent, then you have your baby and come back".
As time passed more nuns got pregnant, and got away with it using similar excuses.
Then one day mother superior gathered all the nuns together:
"I have to inform you that a brother of mine is seriously ill and i'll have to be away for a few months.
And If i find out who's the bastard who put sperm on the church candles i swear i'll kill him"

[youtube:2hnrhiuf]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFrufPxjwX0[/youtube:2hnrhiuf]