Happy Atheist Forum

This thread is for quotes that are just so stupid that you simply have to share them with others.  You can't grab them from other ignorant quote lists, you must come across them on your own through reading or interacting with fundies.

To start things out, from a poster on PalTalkScene (a chat client):

loveroftruth_2:

Quotei believe facts when they line up with the words of my Creator.

I work for a non-profit organization that loosely associates with local churches, including my father's (who is a pastor). I made a run over to my dad's church about a week ago and was in the waiting room while my dad finished up a meeting with a woman.

This woman was an aspiring children's novelist, and was waxing rhetoric about her experiences in fundyism. After about 10 minutes of listening to her blather on, she started in with this story about an atheist at her office. I happen to have a rather strong BS detector, and as soon as she started in, the detector went off so hard I nearly fell out of my chair. Paraphrasing:
"Jim, from my office, is an atheist. He's always talking about how there's not god and this and that. Well one day, he started talking to me about how there's no god. And you know what I did? I sat him down and explained to him my personal relationship with god. I explained how happy god made me, and how reading the bible brightened my day. And you know what he did? He started reading the bible!"
At this point, I was laughing so hard I was crying. Silently, mind you. Then I got the whopper:
"I guess atheists are just people that don't know happiness. All they really need is a bible. We should have a "bible for atheists" drive!" like she had just discovered the secret of turning lead into gold. At this point I snorted a bit, and had to go outside.

Haha! So he was an atheist... And just started reading the Bible because some fundie told him it was a path to happiness? I thought nearly every atheist over the age of... 10 knew that the Bible was just a book. A collection of stories made by desert people, many of which revolve around the only real commodity in desert - water. oO(No wonder my country is so agnostic/apatheist - water is one thing we have a lot of.)

Anyways, if you are looking for some good religious fanatic crap, here, have a look at this movie called "Jesus Camp." It makes for a good laugh/target practice, depending on how you look at it

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... igKi-4W9DA (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3929535037535102662&q=jesus+camp&ei=GuRPSMmeG5G0igKi-4W9DA)

Quote from: "Asmodean"Haha! So he was an atheist... And just started reading the Bible because some fundie told him it was a path to happiness? I thought nearly every atheist over the age of... 10 knew that the Bible was just a book. A collection of stories made by desert people, many of which revolve around the only real commodity in desert - water. oO(No wonder my country is so agnostic/apatheist - water is one thing we have a lot of.)

She was clearly lying. And don't think I didn't appreciate the hypocrisy in that.

Don't they have some form of "Thou Shall Not Lie"-rule somewhere in that book of their?  

Here's a good one from somebody I'm talking to about superstition vs. christian religion on bibleforums.org.

After discussing evidence for the resurrection for a while, we agreed that the evidence for Christianity rests on ancient texts. I asked if she had considered other ancient texts such as the Rigveda or Koran. Here's the response:

"I appreciate the evidence for the bible and have no need to investigate the evidence for false religion because, upon reading the new testament I discover this to be true"

Brilliant!  

Quote from: "myleviathan""I appreciate the evidence for the bible and have no need to investigate the evidence for false religion because, upon reading the new testament I discover this to be true"

Of course, The Bookâ,,¢ can not possibly be lying through its teeth... pages... covers... Who ever could even think of such a possibility?!  

Here's a pearl of wisdom I got today from somebody in a Christian forum:

"I would sooner wholeheartedly deny the evidence of all my senses, feelings and emotions than deny the absolute knowledge that I've been blessed with."

I take this as somebody saying, I would rather gauge out my eyes, rip off my ears, plug up my nose, cut off my tounge, and give myself a lobotomy than let reason affect my thought.

Quote from: "myleviathan"Here's a pearl of wisdom I got today from somebody in a Christian forum:

"I would sooner wholeheartedly deny the evidence of all my senses, feelings and emotions than deny the absolute knowledge that I've been blessed with."

I take this as somebody saying, I would rather gauge out my eyes, rip off my ears, plug up my nose, cut off my tounge, give myself a lobotomy, and chop off my balls than let reason affect my thought.

Fixed your post. You forgot something. NOW it's a balanced statement. :-D

You're right, it was missing something.

All you've added is a load of bollocks...

Here's an extract from a recent email I received earlier from the admin of a Christian forum, convincingly titled "DKC, in Jesus name... READ":

QuoteI was an atheist, but I wasn’t, not truly. I’ve just come out the other side of that now and have realised something which I feel is really important, and that is - no matter how big your faith is you will always have doubts about God’s existence from time to time, you need to make up your mind that you believe to go to heaven and when the doubts come know in your mind that what they say doesn’t matter because you have made your mind up to believe.

  Never has the English language been so brutally sodomised.

It's a fairly unoriginal Christian sentiment, of course: claim to have delved into atheism, make it sound like passing through a pig's digestive system, then conclude with "ignore all doubts & conflicting evidence no matter what because otherwise you wont go to heaven." I just think he really hit the nail on the head with this next bit:

Quoteyou need to make up your minds one way or the other because always wondering or trying to disprove “religion” or “faiths” can sometimes really inhibit career growth. I know of many cases!

The most convincing argument against atheism I've ever heard, for sure. I think I sprained most of my intercostal muscles because of this... my rib cage is still aching slightly.

Quote from: "Willravel"We should have a "bible for atheists" drive!"

I prefer Quilted Northern myself.

Quote from: "Loffler"

Quote from: "Willravel"We should have a "bible for atheists" drive!"

I prefer Quilted Northern myself.

  HAHAHA! Bravo, sir. Bravo.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages14.fotki.com%2Fv363%2Fphotos%2F8%2F892548%2F6116196%2Fkane-vi.gif&hash=4e4962da945d0c38a17e72f17ac4857fa393fa15)

Quote from: "Loffler"

Quote from: "Willravel"We should have a "bible for atheists" drive!"

I prefer Quilted Northern myself.

Ha wow, this thread makes me giggle (hysterically)

* * *

So I was talking to a couple Christian friends of mine today (yesterday technically). They're best friends and they constantly insult each other and then apologize a million times. I decided to make fun of them and I said something like, "Jeez, you guys are so fucking apologetic toward one another." To which Jew replied, "Actually, I feel no need to defend my faith."  :pop:

"This church believes that you much believe in the Apostles' Creed to be a Christian."
*shakes head* "So wrong. All you need is to believe in Christ..." This went on FOREVER.

"Calvanism is so fucked up. That church has issues. Why the hell do you go there Jew?" (Jew is a person. His name is Mark, but he's Jewish so we call him Jew. Obviously he's not a practicing Jew.)

"I don't like to say 'heck'. I like 'hell' better. 'Heck' sounds stupid." ~adult Christian teacher at a Christian private school.

*reads out of Greek Orthodox Bible* "This is so weird! It's so fucked up! Listen to this:" *reads verses in a mocking tone, laughs* (all in front of the owner of the Bible)

Not really fundie stuff, but I found it funny.

Quote from: "Asmodean"Haha! So he was an atheist... And just started reading the Bible because some fundie told him it was a path to happiness? I thought nearly every atheist over the age of... 10 knew that the Bible was just a book. A collection of stories made by desert people, many of which revolve around the only real commodity in desert - water. oO(No wonder my country is so agnostic/apatheist - water is one thing we have a lot of.)

Anyways, if you are looking for some good religious fanatic crap, here, have a look at this movie called "Jesus Camp." It makes for a good laugh/target practice, depending on how you look at it

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... igKi-4W9DA (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3929535037535102662&q=jesus+camp&ei=GuRPSMmeG5G0igKi-4W9DA)

Jesus, I needed a cigarette after that.

I think I've seen Jesus Camp, and if I remember correctly it was less funny that it was scary and sad.

My best one involved an ex-sister-in-law. During the course of a family dinner (at my own house) I made an apparent discouraging remark about something she quoted from the Bible. (Sorry, but I don't remember what that was now.)

She reached into her handbag, thrust her King James Bible into my face and said, "How can you deny the truth in the Word of God?"

Using the appropriate finger to lower the book from in front of me I said, "Because I've read it from Genesis through Revelation. Have you?"

She and her family left and hasn't spoken to me since. Best damned 20 years of my life so far.

Quote from: "Jolly Sapper"I think I've seen Jesus Camp, and if I remember correctly it was less funny that it was scary and sad.

I couldn't laugh. I think I may have cried at one point though. It scared the shit out of me more than anything.

FRESH FROM THE CHRISTIAN FORUMS:

In response to the following Bible verse:

 Deuteronomy 21:10, which states: "10 When you go to war against your enemies and the LORD your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, 11 if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. 12 Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, trim her nails 13 and put aside the clothes she was wearing when captured. After she has lived in your house and mourned her father and mother for a full month, then you may go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife. 14 If you are not pleased with her, let her go wherever she wishes. You must not sell her or treat her as a slave, since you have dishonored her."

QuoteGod wasn't making provisions for Israeli men to rape women. He was making provisions for the protection of foreign women from His own people.

 

Yes - right after the women's families were annihiliated. Wowee wee wau.

The worst one I've heard is someone saying Hitler was atheist.Of course it's easy to comment on something you know nothing about.Friggin idoits.But I kinda feel sad for these people seeing how they will eventually kill themselves off.They are so busy pissing everyone off and getting into war over these books.Freethinkers need to get together and start their own country.Science and tech abound.Oh what a dream