Happy Atheist Forum

My Impact leader called me a few hours ago (impact is a small group at church). It was the first time I talked to her since I stopped believing all the church shit. The last time I talked to her, I still spoke "Christianese", I was still crazy in love with God. I was so scared when I heard her voice on the phone. She's a real nice lady, but she tends to pray with me on the phone. (she thinks I haven't been going to church because of my mental disorder). She didn't. It was a civil conversation with only 5 or 6 mentions of God on her part.

So the conversation isn't what is bothering. I'm bothered because it reminded me of how alone I am in my environment; how scared I am. I stifled these fears, but this phone call brought them to the surface. I can't describe how I feel in simple words. Not five minutes after I hung up the phone, I wrote this, blinking back tears the entire time:

It's a crazy nightmare that is spinning out of control and no matter how many times I wake up, it never goes away. It follows me everywhere. It's like a poison. I expected something bad but nothing like this. I expected something loud and obvious. Something I could hide from in my room under the covers. But it's much worse. It's quiet and subtle. It suffocates me. I don't ever see it coming, and when I do, it takes an eternity to come. It's like Chinese water torture. And I can't even hide from it. My eyes can't shield me from it. My bed comforter can no longer be my refuge. I'm raw and open and these vultures are picking me clean. And just when I think it might be leaving me, it comes again, worse than before. I can't do this. But I can't go back. I can't. I just can't. Open, close. Open and close my eyes. Blinking my raining tears. Open, close. Why can't it go away? Leave me be. I just want to open my eyes and be rid of this horrendous nightmare. Please, someone take me away, far way, where it can't get me. Please.

I can't explain what this means. The words just poured from my fingers. I just needed to express this to someone. Thanks for reading.

Hey susangail, I'm sorry all this is so painful for you.  I'm not really sure what to say, other than to remember that this part of your life doesn't last forever.  You will become an independent adult, and you'll have a much easier time regulating, for yourself, who you do and do not talk to.

Did you consider telling this woman that talking to her was really making you uncomfortable?  Or maybe share these feelings with your mom (who you're still really close with, right?)?

You don't have to make it directly about religion.  More about just feeling scared and alone.

I can definitely understand.  It's hard to break away from a support group of any kind.

Do you have other (non-god) friends or groups you can talk with?

I've recently looked into Unitarian churches as a possiblity.
They tend to be open to a variety of beliefs (including none at all).

Any type of social group may be able to help you thru this (even this forum!)

Hang in there,
JoeActor

Quote from: "SteveS"Did you consider telling this woman that talking to her was really making you uncomfortable?  Or maybe share these feelings with your mom (who you're still really close with, right?)?

I wouldn't really know how to tell her(my leader). I am (or was) pretty close with her so it would sort of be a slap in the face. And with my mom, I tried this morning, but I couldn't find the words. We are still close, but there is like this invisible rip between us.

Quote from: "joeactor"Do you have other (non-god) friends or groups you can talk with?

Any type of social group may be able to help you thru this (even this forum!)

 I do have non-religious friends and I have told them a lot, but I don't want to pour it all on them. This forum really has helped me though

I did talk to my therapist about all this, so I have talked to someone.

Thanks everyone.

Quote from: "susangail"I do have non-religious friends and I have told them a lot, but I don't want to pour it all on them.

If you feel comfortable opening up more to one or two of your non-religious friends you may find it comforting.  There is something about talking to a friend that tends to make things just feel more normal.  Also, being a teenager tends to gives people a feeling of being a little lost anyway since you are still at that age when you are trying to figure out where you want to go in life (not that anyone ever completely grows out of that)....the whole loosing your religion thing is just making that time a bit (well, a lot) more complicated.

Hang in there....it gets better; I had similar feelings after de-converting....forums did help a lot, that's part of why I started this one.