As I just noted elsewhere, imaginative and creative insults can be hilarious. I was thinking about making a spin on "Compliment the Person Above You" and making an "Insult the Person Above You" thread, but I figure there is probably too much room for someone to take/make the insults personal and actually hurt each other's feelings. So rather than insulting each other, just throw out some funny and creative insults to the world at large.
I'll start:
You, ma'am, have a nose like a penguin and a behind like a camel. Freshly watered.
Edit: Maaaaaaan. I meant to post this in the Laid Back Lounge. Can one of the mods please move it for me? Pleaseandthankyou.
Edit: Thanks!
Quote from: Ali on July 18, 2012, 05:26:34 PM
. . . I figure there is probably too much room for someone to take/make the insults personal and actually hurt each other's feelings.
I think you figure correctly. This could be a fun thread, but I agree that it'll be best if we don't aim the barbs at each other. ;)
Quote from: Ali on July 18, 2012, 05:26:34 PM
Edit: Maaaaaaan. I meant to post this in the Laid Back Lounge. Can one of the mods please move it for me? Pleaseandthankyou.
Done, and you're welcome. :)
ETA:
Quote"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
— Oscar Wilde
Like everyone else here I have probably a cool million that I could contribute. Well, maybe not quite that many, but close.
One that sticks in my head is from a movie called "Mr. North", where the protagonist is being sacked after attempting to be a tutor/caretaker for two devil-children:
He looks the mother square in the eye and says, "Madam, I suggest that you encourage your children to play with matches."
Quote from: Recusant on July 18, 2012, 05:33:20 PM
Quote from: Ali on July 18, 2012, 05:26:34 PM
. . . I figure there is probably too much room for someone to take/make the insults personal and actually hurt each other's feelings.
I think you figure correctly. This could be a fun thread, but I agree that it'll be best if we don't aim the barbs at each other. ;)
Quote from: Ali on July 18, 2012, 05:26:34 PM
Edit: Maaaaaaan. I meant to post this in the Laid Back Lounge. Can one of the mods please move it for me? Pleaseandthankyou.
Done, and you're welcome. :)
I'm staying well clear of this one.
Oh come on, E_R! I was actually thinking of you while I was posting this. I bet you can come up with some great ones. Just remember, they aren't aimed at anyone in particular.
Quote from: Ali on July 18, 2012, 05:39:19 PM
Oh come on, E_R! I was actually thinking of you while I was posting this. I bet you can come up with some great ones. Just remember, they aren't aimed at anyone in particular.
All mine are, usually with calamitous consequences.
Bessie Braddock berated Winston Churchill for being drunk. Churchill replied, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober and you will still be ugly."
Quote from: En_Route on July 18, 2012, 05:46:35 PM
Quote from: Ali on July 18, 2012, 05:39:19 PM
Oh come on, E_R! I was actually thinking of you while I was posting this. I bet you can come up with some great ones. Just remember, they aren't aimed at anyone in particular.
All mine are, usually with calamitous consequences.
Indeed, it's the context, considered together with the status of the victim, that provides the hilarity.
Quote from: The Black Jester on July 18, 2012, 06:07:29 PM
Quote from: En_Route on July 18, 2012, 05:46:35 PM
Quote from: Ali on July 18, 2012, 05:39:19 PM
Oh come on, E_R! I was actually thinking of you while I was posting this. I bet you can come up with some great ones. Just remember, they aren't aimed at anyone in particular.
All mine are, usually with calamitous consequences.
Indeed, it's the context, considered together with the status of the victim, that provides the hilarity.
I prefer spontaneous over recycled wit. Or at least what I fondly imagine to be spontaneous wit.
I have been known to ask in several stores, 'do you recruit your staff directly from the asylums, or do you have their brains surgically removed when they join you?'
Quote from: OldGit on July 18, 2012, 06:09:49 PM
I have been known to ask in several stores, 'do you recruit your staff directly from the asylums, or do you have their brains surgically removed when they join you?'
A combination of vitriol and political incorrectness which given the standards of service in the UK retail sector is entirely pardonable.
Quote from: En_Route on July 18, 2012, 06:12:09 PM
Quote from: OldGit on July 18, 2012, 06:09:49 PM
I have been known to ask in several stores, 'do you recruit your staff directly from the asylums, or do you have their brains surgically removed when they join you?'
A combination of vitriol and political incorrectness which given the standards of service in the UK retail sector is entirely pardonable.
I have spent time in the UK and can appreciate your meaning. However I can assure you that "customer service" in US retail stores has in large part also gone the way of the dinosaurs.
My favorite malcontent is the gum cracking counter clerk who doesn't even bother to interrupt her phone conversation to ring you up on the register. Or better yet, makes you wait til she's done with her BFF on the phone.
Quote from: En_Route on July 18, 2012, 05:37:45 PM
I'm staying well clear of this one.
That. This thread is banished from The Asmo's graces.
Quote from: Non Quixote on July 18, 2012, 07:04:26 PM
Quote from: En_Route on July 18, 2012, 06:12:09 PM
Quote from: OldGit on July 18, 2012, 06:09:49 PM
I have been known to ask in several stores, 'do you recruit your staff directly from the asylums, or do you have their brains surgically removed when they join you?'
A combination of vitriol and political incorrectness which given the standards of service in the UK retail sector is entirely pardonable.
I have spent time in the UK and can appreciate your meaning. However I can assure you that "customer service" in US retail stores has in large part also gone the way of the dinosaurs.
My favorite malcontent is the gum cracking counter clerk who doesn't even bother to interrupt her phone conversation to ring you up on the register. Or better yet, makes you wait til she's done with her BFF on the phone.
When I've been in New York, my experience of customer service has been mainly in restaurants. Rictus smiles, scripted solicitude and well- drilled attentiveness , overlaid with the consciousness that failure to tip adequately would lead to being torn from limb to limb.
"I'd call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth."
Quote from: Budhorse4 on July 18, 2012, 08:03:20 PM
"I'd call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth."
Bahahahahahahaha
Quote from: Budhorse4 on July 18, 2012, 08:03:20 PM
"I'd call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth."
That...is...funny!!
Good one, Buddy!
I quite like the good old: 'if you had a brain cell, it would die of loneliness'.
If I took your brain and shoved it up a gnat's ass, it would look like a BB in a boxcar.
Mayor's wife: "Yogi, you look very cool in that suit."
Yogi Berra: "Thanks. You don't look so hot yourself."
Quote from: Budhorse4 on July 18, 2012, 08:03:20 PM
"I'd call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth."
Brilliant
"If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his hat off his head."
His breath could knock a buzzard off a shitwagon.
LMAO. What exactly is a shitwagon?
She looked like 5 lbs of shit in a 3 lb bag.
There's this woman IRL who goes by the name of Finger. If you look at that name and imagine possibilites, as I did, it'd be easy to come up with a few insultive adaptations. :D
Turns out she's my nemesis, I loathe the woman and so amongst the unoriginal and commonplace names such as 'bitch', 'old hag' and such, I've added to my arsenal:
"I already have two opposible thumbs, don't need another" (which I think is bumper sticker worthy :P).
"Sticky Fingers" (because she's a failed con artist...very long story, which I won't get into now).
"Finger coulodn't grasp a thing, even if there were four more of her" (because she's more than rather dim).
Some other people have gone a bit further, into downright dirtily offensive and sick, but I won't add those here. ::) LOL
I know she's reading this thread. ;D
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V7zbWNznbs&feature=player_detailpage#t=157s)
If you had twice the brains you have, you might just make half a halfwit.
He couldn't find his own arse with a pair of hunting dogs. (allegedly a Russian saying).
Git- yours reminded me of one...
He doesn't know his ass from a hot rock. Or, the variation: He doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
Or- 'he doesn't know his arse from his elbow.' That one's often heard over here.
"You couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel."
"I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire."
Also came across a this brilliant Charlie Brooker rant on the bullying of Rebecca Black (best bit starts at 3:00).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZwPj3fWR9k
^ Shit - that clip has been blocked in the UK by those miserable tight-arsed bastards at Channel 4.
Quote from: OldGit on July 19, 2012, 06:42:05 PM
^ Shit - that clip has been blocked in the UK by those miserable tight-arsed bastards at Channel 4.
This might be the video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmnSnCXd7TI) (its bad quality though).
Quote from: Crow on July 19, 2012, 06:46:47 PM
Quote from: OldGit on July 19, 2012, 06:42:05 PM
^ Shit - that clip has been blocked in the UK by those miserable tight-arsed bastards at Channel 4.
This might be the video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmnSnCXd7TI) (its bad quality though).
That's the one, yeah. Bad quality, but watchable.
I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.
Quote from: Dobermonster on July 19, 2012, 06:49:20 PM
Quote from: Crow on July 19, 2012, 06:46:47 PM
Quote from: OldGit on July 19, 2012, 06:42:05 PM
^ Shit - that clip has been blocked in the UK by those miserable tight-arsed bastards at Channel 4.
This might be the video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmnSnCXd7TI) (its bad quality though).
That's the one, yeah. Bad quality, but watchable.
I personally love Charlie Brookers style of insulting people. Here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_depaSOa4I) is another one for you if you haven't already seen it.
Bum bile.
created by my four year old this morning, then I explained what bile was.
Quote from: Crow on July 19, 2012, 07:06:43 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on July 19, 2012, 06:49:20 PM
Quote from: Crow on July 19, 2012, 06:46:47 PM
Quote from: OldGit on July 19, 2012, 06:42:05 PM
^ Shit - that clip has been blocked in the UK by those miserable tight-arsed bastards at Channel 4.
This might be the video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmnSnCXd7TI) (its bad quality though).
That's the one, yeah. Bad quality, but watchable.
I personally love Charlie Brookers style of insulting people. Here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_depaSOa4I) is another one for you if you haven't already seen it.
Same. He's one of my favorite comedians right now.
Another gender-specific insult: "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
Quote from: Dobermonster on July 19, 2012, 07:15:43 PMAnother gender-specific insult:
For men: Sheesh, that time of the month again is it?
In the RAF I used to have a Wing Commander (= Lt Colonel) who would scream at other ranks, in a parade-ground voice: "Boy, you throw a completely new light on the meaning of the word shit! One day you're going to turn up drunk at your parents' wedding! And those are your best points."
The Flight-Sergeant who taught us to drill was a good 'un, too. He would scream in an Irish accent, "Mr Git, SIR, you round-shouldered weak-kneed pot-bellied excuse for an officer, SIR, swing your fucking arms SIR!"
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on July 19, 2012, 08:03:31 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on July 19, 2012, 07:15:43 PMAnother gender-specific insult:
For men: Sheesh, that time of the month again is it?
If you're saying that you're directing it at men then I'm confused. If you are saying that to a woman and she
is riding the cotton pony, it had better be a woman who is very far away. Like have-to-take-a-plane far away.
I once said something similar to my wife many years ago.
Just once.
That guy's so ugly that dogs sniff his face.
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 19, 2012, 09:52:00 PM
That guy's so ugly that dogs sniff his face.
Ooh! Ooh! I used that once. :D
I like this page for generating insults, Elizabethan-style.
http://www.museangel.net/insult.html#generator (http://www.museangel.net/insult.html#generator)
There are automated sites that do it too, but I like generating my own.
Also, for a more current insult: "If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards."
and
"You're so ugly you could make a train take a dirt road."
Yar all a bunch of drongoes, except you two other there, you're a pair o' gallahs.
More traditional than creative I suppose.
An old favorite of mine.
"I was thinking of something clever to say but then I realised there isn't anything about you to form a basis for an intelligent comment and really you're just a cunt".
But seeing as I like what Bud said I think the end needs an amendment. Also
"You're/it's/he's/she's/they're about as useful/desirable as aids".
"It would take you two promotions just to be an asshole"
"Does your ass ever get jealous of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?"
"Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom manufacturer."
You're half an idiot and that's the good half.
Quote from: Non Quixote on July 19, 2012, 09:47:09 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on July 19, 2012, 08:03:31 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on July 19, 2012, 07:15:43 PMAnother gender-specific insult:
For men: Sheesh, that time of the month again is it?
If you're saying that you're directing it at men then I'm confused. If you are saying that to a woman and she is riding the cotton pony, it had better be a woman who is very far away. Like have-to-take-a-plane far away.
I once said something similar to my wife many years ago.
Just once.
Yeah, directed to men. The more chavaunist among them 'get it' and really don't like it. There's no better way to really piss off some types.
(I wouldn't consider myself to be a radical feminist who preaches female superiority, but I've used that line once. Or twice.
More good ones from Bud!
"That guy is a seriously vile peice of assnose in a big embroided Look At Me hat."
Please don't think I'm a jerk for quoting myself. Buddy suggested it!
You're as much use as a chocolate fireguard.
Quote from: Ali on July 20, 2012, 06:11:15 PM
"That guy is a seriously vile peice of assnose in a big embroided Look At Me hat."
Please don't think I'm a jerk for quoting myself. Buddy suggested it!
Oh NO, another insecurity!
I hope my nose doesn't look assish in this hat.
Southern: He's as worthless as tits on a boar hog.
He's so low he has to look up to see hell.
Texas joke: What do a Texas tornado and a Texas divorce have in common? Somebody's going to lose a trailer home.
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on July 21, 2012, 02:51:45 AM
Quote from: Ali on July 20, 2012, 06:11:15 PM
"That guy is a seriously vile peice of assnose in a big embroided Look At Me hat."
Please don't think I'm a jerk for quoting myself. Buddy suggested it!
Oh NO, another insecurity!
I hope my nose doesn't look assish in this hat.
LMAO! That hat makes your nose look quite dainty and well mannered, actually.
I generally refrain from insults. As they rarely are funny, and are frequently very cruel. But if you insist, here is one I have used.
"Listen. You're not very intelligent are you? Pathetic. No wonder you're dad hates you. I'm tired of you hanging on to me. I don't want to talk to you. Just kill yourself and make you're old pedophile father proud. At least then your life will be worth something. No, I'm. Not talking to you. I'm talking to a dog. Shit. Just go away."
Quote from: RenegeReversi on July 22, 2012, 04:53:23 PM
I generally refrain from insults. As they rarely are funny, and are frequently very cruel. But if you insist, here is one I have used.
"Listen. You're not very intelligent are you? Pathetic. No wonder you're dad hates you. I'm tired of you hanging on to me. I don't want to talk to you. Just kill yourself and make you're old pedophile father proud. At least then your life will be worth something. No, I'm. Not talking to you. I'm talking to a dog. Shit. Just go away."
Must come in useful at parties.
Were you born like that, or were you in a terrible accident?
She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
"You don't matter enough to me to insult me." (for people who have a superiority complex and know it :P )
"If names were currency, yours would be worthless."
One aimed at someone who always pulled the race persecution card ad nauseam et infinitum whenever anybody said anything about him for wholly unracist reasons: "Heck no, I'm not that superficial". (implying that his major issue was not his skin colour, but much deeper. Took a while for him to "get".)
"Who are you calling a loser, bitch? I'm writing the book you're living."
Quote from: Guardian85 on July 22, 2012, 11:36:23 PM
Were you born like that, or were you in a terrible accident?
Both actually. My knees are about as valuable as gnarled wood knots.
"She has a butter face. Everything looks great 'but her' face."
"If asshole's could fly, this place would be an airport."
Since Aunt Flo is popular on here, "You should never trust something that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die."
At a job I had years ago, a very 'chesty' woman entered our place of business. My boss leaned over to me and said, "If she were to fall over, we'd have to milk her to get her back up."
I'm sure some more will come to me. :)
"She wouldn't catch a glimpse of a clue if it walked right up to her and punched her in the face."
If wit was shit, you'd be constipated.
You couldn't fint the answer if it jumped up and bit you in the nuts!
He couldn't find his ass with both hands.
You're as much use as the Pope's paraphernalia.
"You'e as useless as a chocolate fire guard!"
"I see you have failed to reach even your own abysmally low standards."
You're an embarressment to me, and the fact that some people associate me with you hurts more than any insult that comes out of your mouth.
Quote from: Guardian85 on July 23, 2012, 03:21:28 PM
You couldn't fint the answer if it jumped up and bit you in the nuts!
...I suppose the answer is a ridiculously small dog? ???
You're like a fart in a thunderstorm.
In this part of the world a common swear/insult you hear is "Haista paska!" (Smell shit!). However, there's a nice comeback to that:
"Well I suppose I have to, since the wind is blowing from your direction..."
One more way to tell when some people are full of it, I suppose ;D
FITREP bullets: (A FITREP is a "fitness report" used by the English and US Navies for evaluating an officer's performance)
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not allow this Officer to breed.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure
^^^ That list is so old!
But still good for a giggle :D
"If you are going to keep talking, would you please stand down wind so I don't have to smell the bullshit?"
He had an arsehole transplant, but the arsehole rejected him.
When he was circumcised, they threw away the wrong bit.
"You've got a face like a half-chewed caramel."
Calling someone "stunned" (stupid) is also popular around Newfoundland. "Stunned as me arse" is a popular exclamation.
Quote from: OldGit on July 27, 2012, 10:06:28 AM
When he was circumcised, they threw away the wrong bit.
What? The scalpel? I didn't get this one... ??? Where be the insult?
Doh! They threw the baby away and kept the foreskin.
Makes sense if they be jews, I suppose. Skinning babies is apparently vastly important to them... Has to be some silly superstitious reason behind that that involves eating a foreskin salad on sabbath... There was also something about an ass full of pits, but I've heard that from House. Still, likely related.
Maybe the foreskin salad is good for getting rid of the pits in one's bottom if consumed on a sunday..? Yes, that must be it.