I had an argument with my mom today. Apparently, my sister made a joke towards my mom that, by my any her reasoning was a show of affection and playfulness with her. But My mother did not take it that way. She thought it a blatant show of disrespect.
I tried to tell her that my sister was acting in that way because she and my mother had formed a bond close enough that my sister felt she could be playful in her comments. My mother countered that she would never have acted that way towards her father and mother, and this is where the subject comes in.
Cultures change from generation to generation. My mom's father was a very reticent man, who was a strict disciplinarian, and from the stories she has told of him, I have always gotten the feeling that she grew up in fear of her parents rather than close to them. On the other hand, my mother's closeness to us, her children, are quite different. Ol mom is a very frustrated woman. She let's common things build up her frustration and then let's it all out in a blasting fury of rage and anger and screaming, and today, that joke that my sister made set her off.
Thing is, I'm glad that we are able to make jokes like that with our mom, even if she doesn't accept them. It might be construed that we are not really close enough to make such comments if mom doesn't like them, but I don't know... it's a matter of how comfortable we feel talking to her. I feel very comfortable talking to my mom. I don't fear her, and thus often go head to head with her in argument. From an outsider's perpsective, I guess it could be thought that I am exceedingly rude to my mom when I talk back. And yes, I do talk back.
I think my mom wants to be in a special place in my heart. A place of respect and admiration. Little does she know, she was in that place in my heart a long time ago, when I was a child. I revered her as my mother, and I hated myself when she got angry and started screaming. But now, she doesn't realize that the more she screams and yells, and the more she refuses to grow and see other perspectives, the more she loses my respect. Someone who argues and screams and throws tantrums, if a good person, deserves to be my friend, but not my mom. And as a friend, I see her more as an equal with which I can banty around and talk back, as well as not take seriously if I don't want to.
The sad truth is, is that cultures change very quickly from generation to generation. I know my mom's parents are quite different from her, and she's quite different from me. I will be very different from my kids. Time initiates a forward march of generational change that can not be stopped. My mother seems to be in a desperate struggle to hold on to the times of her generation and values. But it's a battle she can't win. Because the more she fights for respect in the way she is doing it, throwing tantrums and screaming, the more she loses my respect.
I was originally going to write this post on Mathematics. I've come up with a brilliant piece of logic that I think might provide a new perspective into Kurt Godel's incompleteness theorem. But I guess that can wait a day or two. This seems right.
in honor of my silly headed mom,
--Wechtlein Uns
Thank you for the personal insight. And I think you're right, it's a gap that is hard to bridge.
Quote from: "Wechtlein Uns"Time initiates a forward march of generational change that can not be stopped. My mother seems to be in a desperate struggle to hold on to the times of her generation and values. But it's a battle she can't win. Because the more she fights for respect in the way she is doing it, throwing tantrums and screaming, the more she loses my respect.
Kind of like the muslims and the mohammed cartoons, eh?
QuoteI was originally going to write this post on Mathematics. I've come up with a brilliant piece of logic that I think might provide a new perspective into Kurt Godel's incompleteness theorem. But I guess that can wait a day or two.
Sounds very interesting. We'll be looking forward to that.
I've had trouble with my mom in a similar manner as well. (did that sentence structure make sense?) She keeps demanding respect because she raised me, bought things for me, provided for my artistic hobbies (like band, my artwork), et cetera. But the more that she screams at me and throws tantrums, as you say, the more i just begin to believe that she's acting like an idiot. And it makes me loose respect for her.
I think that there is a certain point in ones life where they draw away from their parents and begin to live their own life, when parents need to step back from the domineering dictator of the household and look at their kids like individual people who need to be let free - mentally and/or physically - from the coop.
But you have to accept that, at your mom's age (assuming that she's over 40 or somewhere in that ballpark), she's set in her ways, and there's usually nothing you can do to change that. I know that it must feel like you're keeping the relationship from growing and maturing; talk to her about it and let her know how you feel. When some one close to me and i fight, i often react in accordance with the Third Law of Motion. But i suggest asking her to talk when you two are in each others good graces.
Heh. Whenever I try to have a sincere conversation with my mom, it usually turns into a screaming match. No, not that kind of screaming match. You see, my mom and I are pretty similiar, in that we both get animated very quickly. We are very forceful and direct in our speech, which is fine if I'm talking to someone lilke my father, but with mom, it just escalates. lol. That's not to say we don't have good times. We have plenty of good conversations, even she acknowledges that. They just usually end with us agreeing to disagree. XD
But yeah, she's definitely set in her ways. Nothing I do will change that. I still love her though.
A grown woman who throws a tantrum when she feels 'disrespected' probably does not deserve to be respected.
The attempt to cause guilt for something that was her choice (birthing and feeding you) is essentially an attempt to blame you for the fact that she isn't happy. If she does not like how her children act, she has no one to blame but herself.