Need a good laugh? Just ask a believer what they think Heaven will be like.
About a year ago I joined the Xian Forums because I wanted to ask some questions directly of the faithful. The thing I most wanted answered was "How do you envision Heaven?" The answers were, on the whole, absurd but that didn't dissuade any of them from believing that it was real.
Some of the more memorable ideas they offered were:
-- In Heaven, food is made of light. So there's no fat or calories and you can eat as much as you want and never gain weight. I asked, but what if you really want a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac? I was told that you can have a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac but they'll be made of light. I asked what does food made of light taste like and was told it tastes just like it does down here but without the fat or calories. I also asked how do you know any of that is true? She replied that she felt it in her heart and that was a sign that GOD was telling her himself.
Also, why would a spirit being need to eat at all? Does food made of light have any nutritional value? Why would a spirit being need nutrition? Does food made of light get digested? If so, how does a spirit being digest food if digestion and nutrition are requirements only of a living organism?
I have to wonder too if the grocery stores where you buy this illusory food is also made of light or is it a bricks & mortar building that sells imaginary food? Maybe God delivers it magically to your doorstep or possibly you just have to think to yourself "I want a box or Rice-a-Roni." and it just appears.
So many more questions.
-- In Heaven everyone gets their own mortgage free mansion. So there's free housing for everyone in Heaven? I had to wonder why would a non-corporeal spirit being need housing? "Because everyone needs a place to live." was the reply which completely missed the point of the question. Some of them said they would all get a free luxury apartment or condo but it's the same idea -- free luxurious housing.
-- In Heaven, you can FLY! One woman stated she was most excited for the gift of flight that she would enjoy as a resident of Heaven. I responded with "So you can just leap off the roof of your free luxury condo in Heaven and start flying around like Superman?" "Yes." was her answer.
-- In Heaven, you can do anything you want just like you could on Earth. This means, if you loved to fish, or rebuild classic cars, or play the piano while you were alive, you can still do those things in Heaven after you're dead which means there's stuff like fishing boats, pianos, and auto supply stores, not to mention cars in Heaven.
Believers just make up anything they like then believe their own delusions because fuck reason or reality.
I only lasted about a month among the Xians before they banned me for making a post that made fun of what a scumbag Trump is. They had no issue with my arguments against the existence of God but they wouldn't put up with any disrespect for their marmalade colored messiah.
Post 3 of 25
Quote from: MadBomr101 on April 21, 2020, 04:38:23 PM
Need a good laugh? Just ask a believer what they think Heaven will be like.
About a year ago I joined the Xian Forums because I wanted to ask some questions directly of the faithful. The thing I most wanted answered was "How do you envision Heaven?" The answers were, on the whole, absurd but that didn't dissuade any of them from believing that it was real.
Some of the more memorable ideas they offered were:
-- In Heaven, food is made of light so there's no fat or calories and you can eat as much as you want and never gain weight. I asked, what if you really want a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac? I was told that you can have a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac but they'll be made of light. I asked what does food made of light taste like and was told it tastes just like it does down here but without the fat or calories. I also asked how do you know any of that is true? She replied that she felt it in her heart and that was a sign that GOD was telling her himself.
Also, why would a spirit being need to eat at all? Does food made of light have any nutritional value? Why would a spirit being need nutrition? Does food made of light get digested? If so, how does a spirit being digest food if digestion and nutrition are requirements only of a living organism?
I have to wonder too if the grocery stores where you buy this illusory food is also made of light or is it a bricks & mortar building that sells imaginary food? Maybe God delivers it magically to your doorstep or possibly you just have to think to yourself "I want a box or Rice-a-Roni." and it just appears.
So many more questions.
-- In Heaven everyone gets their own mortgage free mansion. So there's free housing for everyone in Heaven? I had to wonder why would a non-corporeal spirit being need housing? "Because everyone needs a place to live." was the reply which completely missed the point of the question. Some of them said they would all get a free luxury apartment or condo but it's the same idea -- free luxurious housing.
-- In Heaven, you can FLY! One woman stated she was most excited for the gift of flight that she would enjoy as a resident of Heaven. I responded with "So you can just leap off the roof of your free luxury condo in Heaven and start flying around like Superman?" "Yes." was her answer.
-- In Heaven, you can do anything you want just like you could on Earth. This means, if you loved to fish, or rebuild classic cars, or play the piano while you were alive, you can still do those things in Heaven after you're dead which means there's stuff like fishing boats, pianos, and auto supply stores, not to mention cars in Heaven.
Believers just make up anything they like then believe their own delusions because fuck reason or reality.
I only lasted about a month among the Xians before they banned me for making a post that made fun of what a scumbag Trump is. They had no issue with my arguments against the existence of God but they wouldn't put up with any disrespect for their marmalade colored messiah.
Post 3 of 25
Here's another take on it. https://sites.google.com/site/oldseers
I've posted this video in other areas of this forum before, so I know most everyone here has seen it before, but it is an oldie and a goodie, and I think an appropriate musing on what awaits us in heaven or hell.
(Heaven part is toward the end of video)
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on April 21, 2020, 06:42:55 PM
I've posted this video in other areas of this forum before, so I know most everyone here has seen it before, but it is an oldie and a goodie, and I think an appropriate musing on what awaits us in heaven or hell.
(Heaven part is toward the end of video)
Yeah, I'm familiar with Jim Jeffries comedy and his stand on religion. I fully agree with him on all of it, including the profanity.
After a few thousand years of doing everything one considers worth doing to the point of tedium, your eternity has not even begun yet. Any afterlife where a person retains their memories is, in my opinion, far worse a fate than no life at all.
To put it this way, a few billion years from now, the Sun will go red giant, scorching the absolute shit out of this planet. A few trillion ("few" being relative) years from now, and the Universe will likely be reduced to a low density soup of low-energy photons. And your immortal ass in heaven? Will you still be enjoying them lightburgers while going for a fly outside your mansion?
Quote from: Asmodean on April 21, 2020, 08:32:11 PM
After a few thousand years of doing everything one considers worth doing to the point of tedium, your eternity has not even begun yet. Any afterlife where a person retains their memories is, in my opinion, far worse a fate than no life at all.
To put it this way, a few billion years from now, the Sun will go red giant, scorching the absolute shit out of this planet. A few trillion ("few" being relative) years from now, and the Universe will likely be reduced to a low density soup of low-energy photons. And your immortal ass in heaven? Will you still be enjoying them lightburgers while going for a fly outside your mansion?
It's nice and sunny here, and when I went out I thought I was in heaven because of how splendid it all was. I put out my tongue in in the light and ---- ---- My heavenly esperiance went totally flat, there was no taste. I'm going to have to quit reading this stuff.
That, my blasphemous heathen friend, is because you has not a Jesus in your heart nor an angel in your mouth...
...Yes, that probably was some sort of sexual reference. :???:
Quote from: Asmodean on April 21, 2020, 08:32:11 PM
After a few thousand years of doing everything one considers worth doing to the point of tedium, your eternity has not even begun yet. Any afterlife where a person retains their memories is, in my opinion, far worse a fate than no life at all.
To put it this way, a few billion years from now, the Sun will go red giant, scorching the absolute shit out of this planet. A few trillion ("few" being relative) years from now, and the Universe will likely be reduced to a low density soup of low-energy photons. And your immortal ass in heaven? Will you still be enjoying them lightburgers while going for a fly outside your mansion?
Asking questions of their loopy ideas is the reason I miss being able to go on the Xian Forums and chat with the believers. Are there any on this board? Wasn't Ecurb Noselrub a practicing Xian? I seem to recall someone was.
Can believers and think be used in a sentence like that?
Quote from: Asmodean on April 21, 2020, 08:50:18 PM
That, my blasphemous heathen friend, is because you has not a Jesus in your heart nor an angel in your mouth...
...Yes, that probably was some sort of sexual reference. :???:
Not unless they buy me dinner and tell me I'm pretty first.
Quote from: No one on April 21, 2020, 09:37:56 PM
Can believers and think be used in a sentence like that?
Sure. Watch this.
"Believers think goofy shit all the time.""Believers don't like to think about reality too much."See? It can be done. You just have to frame it correctly.
Quote from: MadBomr101 on April 21, 2020, 09:34:47 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 21, 2020, 08:32:11 PM
After a few thousand years of doing everything one considers worth doing to the point of tedium, your eternity has not even begun yet. Any afterlife where a person retains their memories is, in my opinion, far worse a fate than no life at all.
To put it this way, a few billion years from now, the Sun will go red giant, scorching the absolute shit out of this planet. A few trillion ("few" being relative) years from now, and the Universe will likely be reduced to a low density soup of low-energy photons. And your immortal ass in heaven? Will you still be enjoying them lightburgers while going for a fly outside your mansion?
Asking questions of their loopy ideas is the reason I miss being able to go on the Xian Forums and chat with the believers. Are there any on this board? Wasn't Ecurb Noselrub a practicing Xian? I seem to recall someone was.
Currently there's a Christian here who says he's here to answer questions about Christianity (
Drich's intro (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/index.php?topic=16505.msg398747#msg398747) and most recent post (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/index.php?topic=16279.msg400276#msg400276)). You better get to him quick though, before he encounters the ban hammer or the vorpal blade. :oh dear:
...Or goes into a hissy fit over some Asmo or other and explodes. ;D
Quote from: MadBomr101 on April 21, 2020, 04:38:23 PM
Need a good laugh? Just ask a believer what they think Heaven will be like.
About a year ago I joined the Xian Forums because I wanted to ask some questions directly of the faithful. The thing I most wanted answered was "How do you envision Heaven?" The answers were, on the whole, absurd but that didn't dissuade any of them from believing that it was real.
Some of the more memorable ideas they offered were:
-- In Heaven, food is made of light. So there's no fat or calories and you can eat as much as you want and never gain weight. I asked, but what if you really want a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac? I was told that you can have a Dr. Pepper or a Big Mac but they'll be made of light. I asked what does food made of light taste like and was told it tastes just like it does down here but without the fat or calories. I also asked how do you know any of that is true? She replied that she felt it in her heart and that was a sign that GOD was telling her himself.
Also, why would a spirit being need to eat at all? Does food made of light have any nutritional value? Why would a spirit being need nutrition? Does food made of light get digested? If so, how does a spirit being digest food if digestion and nutrition are requirements only of a living organism?
I have to wonder too if the grocery stores where you buy this illusory food is also made of light or is it a bricks & mortar building that sells imaginary food? Maybe God delivers it magically to your doorstep or possibly you just have to think to yourself "I want a box or Rice-a-Roni." and it just appears.
So many more questions.
-- In Heaven everyone gets their own mortgage free mansion. So there's free housing for everyone in Heaven? I had to wonder why would a non-corporeal spirit being need housing? "Because everyone needs a place to live." was the reply which completely missed the point of the question. Some of them said they would all get a free luxury apartment or condo but it's the same idea -- free luxurious housing.
-- In Heaven, you can FLY! One woman stated she was most excited for the gift of flight that she would enjoy as a resident of Heaven. I responded with "So you can just leap off the roof of your free luxury condo in Heaven and start flying around like Superman?" "Yes." was her answer.
-- In Heaven, you can do anything you want just like you could on Earth. This means, if you loved to fish, or rebuild classic cars, or play the piano while you were alive, you can still do those things in Heaven after you're dead which means there's stuff like fishing boats, pianos, and auto supply stores, not to mention cars in Heaven.
Believers just make up anything they like then believe their own delusions because fuck reason or reality.
I only lasted about a month among the Xians before they banned me for making a post that made fun of what a scumbag Trump is. They had no issue with my arguments against the existence of God but they wouldn't put up with any disrespect for their marmalade colored messiah.
Post 3 of 25
Ah... No.
Heaven is still and always will be the city of God. That is where the parties will be held and where the big ceremonies will go down. "we" (not you) "We" will live on earth with God/Christ for 1000 years. (which was cause for concern on the other heaven thread/what happens to my house/stuff) upon which satan will get probation and released from hell, to tempt and cull those who maybe weren't 100% satisfied/bearly made it in. There will be one more great war, or in truth one more round up of satan and his followers which he will then be cast into hell for the last time to burn for ever and his followers destroyed by the same hell fire. Then God will recreate or relocate heaven and earth and we will start over with a new heaven and new earth.
(not that mnost of you need concern yourself with any of this) But from this point I believe because we will then be eternal and we have an eternal universe to explore we will get to do so, maybe in our own starships. if so dibs on "Enterprise."
It's amazing how many people long for an eternal afterlife, yet don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Quote from: Drich on April 23, 2020, 04:55:31 PMAh... No.
Heaven is still and always will be the city of God. That is where the parties will be held and where the big ceremonies will go down. "we" (not you) "We" will live on earth with God/Christ for 1000 years. (which was cause for concern on the other heaven thread/what happens to my house/stuff) upon which satan will get probation and released from hell, to tempt and cull those who maybe weren't 100% satisfied/bearly made it in. There will be one more great war, or in truth one more round up of satan and his followers which he will then be cast into hell for the last time to burn for ever and his followers destroyed by the same hell fire. Then God will recreate or relocate heaven and earth and we will start over with a new heaven and new earth.
(not that mnost of you need concern yourself with any of this) But from this point I believe because we will then be eternal and we have an eternal universe to explore we will get to do so, maybe in our own starships. if so dibs on "Enterprise."
You all need to get together and get your stories straight. This is your version of what the afterlife will be, the woman who can't wait to fly has her version, the woman who will pig out on that food made of light has her version and so on.
Why so much variation in these ideas, because it's made up in each individual's imagination. There's no reality to any of this so anything goes which means your notion of Heaven is no more valid than any other Xian. Make up whatever you like and more power to ya' .
Drich, I'm not being sarcastic when I say I think it's great that you want to take over for Captain Kirk in the next life. That's an admirable ambition. :)
Quote from: Dark Lightning on April 23, 2020, 05:47:23 PMIt's amazing how many people long for an eternal afterlife, yet don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Exactly. None of them seem to consider just how long eternity is and that nothing will entertain or engage them forever. Even if Heaven was an eternity of pizza, beer, and blowjobs from angels, after a hundred years of it, you'll be sick to death of pizza, beer, and blowjobs from angels.
C'mon guys. If the Christian god can make people live forever, he can make them like it too. :smokin cool:
Quote from: Recusant on April 23, 2020, 05:59:56 PMC'mon guys. If the Christian god can make people live forever, he can make them like it too. :smokin cool:
I guess he could make it a commandment.
"Thou shalt live forever in Heaven and I don't want to hear any bitching that you're bored."
:this:
:lol: I guess that's where the know/love/fear thing comes from. It's like the "attaboys" and "awshits". You could have a thousand "attaboys', but one "awshit" wipes the slate clean, and there you are falling through the floor, en route to hell...which wasn't a described place in early xtianity. If one were bored, they could go read the history of the RCC. Pay special attention to the procession of popes. It's most amusing.
"An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise."
- Victor Hugo
An Apostle states: The dead are conscious of nothing. Hell = Dead. JC descended into hell for 3 days = dead for 3 days. Death = non existence, same as before one was conceived. :)
It's also weird how they think they know what happens after death without any credible evidence at all.
Quote from: MadBomr101 on April 23, 2020, 06:46:38 PM
Quote from: Recusant on April 23, 2020, 05:59:56 PMC'mon guys. If the Christian god can make people live forever, he can make them like it too. :smokin cool:
I guess he could make it a commandment. "Thou shalt live forever in Heaven and I don't want to hear any bitching that you're bored."
I've heard believers say there is no such thing as boredom in Heaven. There is no sadness, frustration, hate or anger. Everything is positive, and there is eternal bliss.
That doesn't make sense to me. If I wanted to experience prolonged periods of bliss I would take drugs all day until I would need more and more and nothing else in the world would matter. I don't want to wake up after death and find myself living in a world much like the dystopian society of Aldous Huxley's 'Brave New World' where certain citizens basically did that. As a result, they were controlled.
As such, in Heaven there would be no meaning to life in Heaven other than to serve the particular god of your religion.
The basic Christian version has the faithful getting rapturous pleasure while singing songs praising their god. For all eternity. I guess you have to be there. :shrug:
...And yet them junkies tend to need ever-larger doses of their drug of choice to get that "perfect high."
I suppose given an eternity with an eternally-powerful being, it's possible to just increase the dosage ad infinitum, but then we are back to the stagnant, empty existence argument, with the added bonus of stagnation and emptiness setting in long before I run out of nameable zeros.
Quote from: Asmodean on April 28, 2020, 08:08:04 AM
...And yet them junkies tend to need ever-larger doses of their drug of choice to get that "perfect high."
I suppose given an eternity with an eternally-powerful being, it's possible to just increase the dosage ad infinitum, but then we are back to the stagnant, empty existence argument, with the added bonus of stagnation and emptiness setting in long before I run out of nameable zeros.
Interesting. My 5-yr-old gdaughter picked up on the stagnation and emptiness using her limited vocabulary and then wanted to know, in that case, what was after heaven. I can't undermine her parents; I would have been incandescent if anyone had done that when mine were young. That's typical of the closed-minded and deluded attitude of Christianity and it breaks my heart now. I was caught early and it took me decades to fight my way out of the induced fear and empty promise of an afterlife. Heaven!!!???
Quote from: Essie Mae on April 28, 2020, 09:57:18 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 28, 2020, 08:08:04 AM
...And yet them junkies tend to need ever-larger doses of their drug of choice to get that "perfect high."
I suppose given an eternity with an eternally-powerful being, it's possible to just increase the dosage ad infinitum, but then we are back to the stagnant, empty existence argument, with the added bonus of stagnation and emptiness setting in long before I run out of nameable zeros.
Interesting. My 5-yr-old gdaughter picked up on the stagnation and emptiness using her limited vocabulary and then wanted to know, in that case, what was after heaven. I can't undermine her parents; I would have been incandescent if anyone had done that when mine were young. That's typical of the closed-minded and deluded attitude of Christianity and it breaks my heart now. I was caught early and it took me decades to fight my way out of the induced fear and empty promise of an afterlife. Heaven!!!???
You really are between a rock and a hard place :(
Well, there is some hope that His Gray Divinity is more divine than the other guy's fake divinity and that it may rub off without casting too many shadows on you as a point of influence ;)
...I'm pleased that at least someone appreciates my colorful phrasing and asks the difficult questions implied therein. Give the little girl something nice for me. :smilenod:
Quote from: Recusant on April 27, 2020, 11:12:41 PM
The basic Christian version has the faithful getting rapturous pleasure while singing songs praising their god. For all eternity. I guess you have to be there. :shrug:
Not if I can help it. :devil:
Quote from: Essie Mae on April 28, 2020, 09:57:18 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 28, 2020, 08:08:04 AM
...And yet them junkies tend to need ever-larger doses of their drug of choice to get that "perfect high."
I suppose given an eternity with an eternally-powerful being, it's possible to just increase the dosage ad infinitum, but then we are back to the stagnant, empty existence argument, with the added bonus of stagnation and emptiness setting in long before I run out of nameable zeros.
Interesting. My 5-yr-old gdaughter picked up on the stagnation and emptiness using her limited vocabulary and then wanted to know, in that case, what was after heaven. I can't undermine her parents; I would have been incandescent if anyone had done that when mine were young. That's typical of the closed-minded and deluded attitude of Christianity and it breaks my heart now. I was caught early and it took me decades to fight my way out of the induced fear and empty promise of an afterlife. Heaven!!!???
I suppose that even admitting a lack of knowledge and certainty wouldn't go over well. Give it a few years, perhaps.
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on April 28, 2020, 05:50:08 PM
Quote from: Recusant on April 27, 2020, 11:12:41 PM
The basic Christian version has the faithful getting rapturous pleasure while singing songs praising their god. For all eternity. I guess you have to be there. :shrug:
Not if I can help it. :devil:
:lol: Just disparage the Holy Ghost, and you're set.
Quote from: Recusant on April 28, 2020, 10:26:38 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on April 28, 2020, 05:50:08 PM
Quote from: Recusant on April 27, 2020, 11:12:41 PM
The basic Christian version has the faithful getting rapturous pleasure while singing songs praising their god. For all eternity. I guess you have to be there. :shrug:
Not if I can help it. :devil:
:lol: Just disparage the Holy Ghost, and you're set.
:thumbsup: The Holy Ghost doesn't want me to believe and get into heaven, that's for sure. Why fight that? ;D
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on April 27, 2020, 05:44:20 PMI've heard believers say there is no such thing as boredom in Heaven. There is no sadness, frustration, hate or anger. Everything is positive, and there is eternal bliss.
That doesn't make sense to me. If I wanted to experience prolonged periods of bliss I would take drugs all day until I would need more and more and nothing else in the world would matter. I don't want to wake up after death and find myself living in a world much like the dystopian society of Aldous Huxley's 'Brave New World' where certain citizens basically did that. As a result, they were controlled.
As such, in Heaven there would be no meaning to life in Heaven other than to serve the particular god of your religion.
The lady who wants to fly makes the gift of flight a thing in Heaven because that's what she likes. The lady who wants to eat without counting calories comes up with food made of light because that's what she likes. Nothing the faithful say about Heaven makes any sense because they just make it up to suit their own personal preferences.
They already believe a ridiculous delusion in God so how much more effort does it take to make up a little more bullshi*t to embellish it even more to their liking?
Quote from: Asmodean on April 21, 2020, 08:32:11 PM
After a few thousand years of doing everything one considers worth doing to the point of tedium, your eternity has not even begun yet. Any afterlife where a person retains their memories is, in my opinion, far worse a fate than no life at all.
To put it this way, a few billion years from now, the Sun will go red giant, scorching the absolute shit out of this planet. A few trillion ("few" being relative) years from now, and the Universe will likely be reduced to a low density soup of low-energy photons. And your immortal ass in heaven? Will you still be enjoying them lightburgers while going for a fly outside your mansion?
I think the estimate is 2 billion years for the sun to expand destroying the solar system. JC and his Apostles weren't science types, and I often gave this some thought. If they were around today they may have to do some changing on the "forever" idea. I wonder how they would handle the idea of the solar system destroyed. What would they recommend we do about that if there's an immortality. We interpret them to mean the "here-after" will be the time after civilizations and religions are removed, which from what we see is the objective of the book/Messiah, expressed here-
Ephesians 6:12
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Regardless tho, how can there be immortality if no planet in a solar system, and I'm assuming from Ephesians 6:12, that is what they are referring to, governments and religions. If that all comes about they have to explain a few things.
I seem to remember having read an estimate of one billion (milliard for us, a-other-scale users) years until the Earth is too hot for life as we know it.
Yup. I'd say that's correct. The planet would be long gone before the sun explodes. I think what I would do is at some point order a few tons of bacon and pig out before I fry. ;)
You got to be godawful brave (or something) to listen to this all the way through. But, it goes with the OP.
https://youtu.be/Hzr-u7vwFoA
Great, where do I sign up?
He stretched a few things to make it fit, like the thing with the sea and marriage to God. I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to be married to my dad.
No sea? I'm out. I'm only interested in eternity if there's some chance of reincarnating as a mermaid.
The guy narrating that video is drunk on the Xian Kool-Aid. You can practically feel his glee as he considers the eternity of overwhelming joy that he thinks awaits him.
If there's so much happiness in Heaven why are Xians no more keen to die than anyone else who doesn't think there's an afterlife?
Most Christians I'm sure say call "9-1-1" and not "Let me die!"