Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[billy rubin]

why should you never go drinking if you wear a monocle?

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[hermes2015]

I have the same hates. Fortunately, I don't own a handgun.

[Biggus Dickus]

A man walks into a bar, and as he is about to sit down he pulls out a 12 inch little man, along with a tiny piano, and sets both the man and the piano onto the bar.
The little 12 inch man adjusts his seating (There is also a tiny little bench), and begins beautifully playing the piano...as the bartender is taking the man's order he can't help, but glance down at the little man playing piano, and says to the man, "Um, excuse me, but where in the hell is this little piano man from? I've never seen anything like this in my life!"

The man looks at the bartender, and nonchalantly says, "There is a Genie outside of your bar on the sidewalk granting wishes to anyone who'll asks him"

The bartender immediately runs out the door. After several minutes there emits an extremely loud, strange and continuous noise coming from outside the bar, and then the door slams open, and hundreds of ducks start running into the bar, quacking and just making a nuisance of themselves....the bartender runs in, dodging the ducks as he finds the man with the pianist still sitting at the bar, and he yells, "Why didn't you tell me the Genie is hard of hearing, I wished for a million buck's, and now there are a million Ducks milling around outside, this is crazy"!!

The man sets his drink down, looks up at the bartender and says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

[Magdalena]

^^^


I'll be sure to NOT ask the Genie to get rid of my angina! 

[Ecurb Noselrub]

^^^


I'll be sure to NOT ask the Genie to get rid of my angina! 

Two good ones in a row!!!!!

[Biggus Dickus]

A farmer drives over to his neighbor's farmhouse, and knocks on the door.
A young boy around 9 years old named Johnny answers the door, and say's hello to the farmer.
"Is your mom or dad home Johnny?" asks the farmer.
"No, replies Johnny, they went into town this morning".
"How about your brother Jack, is Jack home"?
"No, Jack went into town with our parents."
The farmer stands there silently for a few moments, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself. So Johhny, wanting to be helpful says, "I know were all the tools are if you need to borrow one, I'll just let my Dad know what you took when he gets back home"
"Thanks Johhny, that's kind of you to offer", says the farmer somewhat uncomforbably, "but I really wanted to speak to your father about your brother Jack getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
Johhny thinks for a few minutes, and then tells the farmer, "Yeah you'll definitely have to speak to my father about that. I mean I know he charges $500 for the bulls, and about $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea what he charges for Jack".

[xSilverPhinx]

So my niece the jokester told a new one yesterday:

What do you call a cow with no legs?

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She's come a long way since her first attempts. I'm so proud!

[Magdalena]

So my niece the jokester told a new one yesterday:

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

She's come a long way since her first attempts. I'm so proud!

[Biggus Dickus]

So my niece the jokester told a new one yesterday:

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

She's come a long way since her first attempts. I'm so proud!

That's nice,...so I guess she takes after her Uncle?


By the way everyone, the most gullible element is easily lead.

[Davin]

 

What do you call a cow with two legs?

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[Dark Lightning]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

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[Davin]

[Magdalena]

You guys are funny. 

[Dark Lightning]

Reasons not to pick a fight with an old man-


1. If you win the fight, you just beat up an old man. 


2. If you lose, you just got beat up by an old man.   

[hermes2015]

Reasons not to pick a fight with an old man-


1. If you win the fight, you just beat up an old man. 


2. If you lose, you just got beat up by an old man.   

I am old, but I can lick any man in this joint.