Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Tom62]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said,

"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple.

"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!

[hermes2015]

[Icarus]

EDIT: Tank

[Tank]

I was recently abducted by aliens.
They took me on-board, fed me dinner, washed me, gave me a big hug and put me to bed early.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

[The Magic Pudding..]

And yet you come back with a dad joke.

[Tank]

And yet you come back with a dad joke.

And why not? I'm not only a dad but a granddad! I'm entitled 

[Tank]

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

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[Tom62]

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

[Tank]

How do you make an egg roll?

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[The Magic Pudding..]

[Anne D.]

Awwww.

[Icarus]

A little kid was in his room doing his arithmetic homework.
His mother heard him say 5 plus 3 is the sonofabitch of eight. He then said six plus four is the
soneofabitch of ten.

The mother, overhearing this innocent study, was upset and went to see the little boys teacher the next day. She demanded to know how the teachers was instructing the students with that kind of language.

The teacher, a British woman, explained that numbers can be regarded as bits.  She had taught the students that "the sum of the bits" are eight or ten, as the case may be.

[Tank]

[Tank]

[The Magic Pudding..]