Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[MarcusA]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side, silly.

[MarcusA]

Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does. What can you do that's longer? - Billy Connolly

[MarcusA]

A joke is never in bad taste.

[billy rubin]

i dunno about that. i can tell some that will make most people cringe.

[MarcusA]

Jokes are jokes.

[Icarus]

He to his date: do you believe in the hereafter?
She: what do you men by that?
He: if you are not hereafter the same thing that I am hereafter,I will be gone long after you are here.

[Tank]

LOL

[billy rubin]

a man and his new wife drove up to a secluded honeymoon hotel on the lake. she went to the room, slowly and painfuly. the husband chechked in and chatted with the desk clerk

hows the fishing in that lake?

great. get out there early.

wonderful! i just love to fish!

he spent the afternoon checking out the lake

next morning at 4 oclock he came thumping down the stairs with his fishing gear.

up so early? hows the wife?

shes a bit sick. and i just love to fish!

he went off and was gone all day.

next morning he came thumping down the stairs wirh his fishing gear.

out again? hows the wife?

still sick. and i just love to fish!

stayed out all day.

next morning he came thumping down the stairs.

out so early? hows the eife?

still a bit sick.

you know, most peole who come to a honeymoon hotel stay in their room for days. is everything okay?

oh yes, we dont do sex. she has gonorrhea.

oh. im sorry. have you ever considered, like, anal sex?

oh no. she has chronic diarhhea.

thats terrible. perhaps you might try oral sex?

oh no. she has terrible trenchmouth.

dear me. gonorhea, diarhea, trenchmouth . . . forgive me, but why did you come here?

well, she has a terrific case of worms, and i just love to fish!

[Tom62]

A man crawls through the desert. The sun shines mercilessly on him. Water, water please give me some water he cries when he finally encounters another traveler. Sorry says the other guy, I've got barely enough water for myself. But, 1 mile down this road is a Bedouin village, where they could help you. Only problem is that they don't like white people, so they might shoot you on sight. In that case, I better paint  myself black with the shoe polish that I have in my rucksack.

So the guy paints himself black and goes on his way to the Bedouin village. There he is received with open arms. They offer him drinks and food. The Bedouin chief tells him that he could spend the night in one of the guest tents. Well, I'm very honored to accept your invitation says the man, but I have to leave very early in the morning. Well, says the chief, that is no problem, we will wake you up in time. So the guy spend a wonderful evening and night.

Next day they wake him up and he is on his way again. 5 miles down he comes across an oasis and thinks well this is a great opportunity to wash off the shoe polish. So, he jumps into the water and shrubs and shrubs, but whatever he does, his face, arms, legs of his body remains black. Shit, he says, they woke up the wrong guy.

[MarcusA]

The internet is a virtual world, virtually unreal.

[MarcusA]

I hate to be the joker in the pack, useless.

[Icarus]

Malcom Milqtoast works in an office with several other people. Malcom is a retiring type with few social skills. The others in the office give him no comfort.

One day the boss, feeling generous, stopped at Malcom's desk and invited him to an evenings entertainment at the bosses exclusive men's club. Malcom said that he would have to ask his wife if it was OK to go out without her. The boss said no you do not need permission lets go, now! Malcom was afraid to refuse.

They arrived at the club, had dinner and began to consume Martinis. The bar was beautiful with exotic polished wood, it had a highly polished brass footrest, the orchestra was excellent. As the evening wore on Malcolm became thoroughly inebriated. Too many martinis!

When he got home the wife was furious. Where the hell have you been she yelled. Malcom replied that the boss had made him go to the men's club. He described the place and all its luxurious appointments. He said it had a beautiful bar with a shiny brass footrest, an orchestra that played beautiful music, a dining room fit for a prince, and it even had gold toilets.

Wife told him that he was a drunken fool and that she did not believe his story at all. Next day
she called the men's club on the telephone. She asked the person who answered if they had a beautiful bar made of exotic polished woods. He said yes we do. Does it have a polished brass footrest? Yes it has. Do you have an orchestra. Yes we do, they are very talented musicians. She asked, do you have gold toilets.....He said hold on a minute...he clamped his hand over the phone and yelled out; Hey Frank I think we have a line on the drunk who shit in your tuba.

[MarcusA]

a man and his new wife drove up to a secluded honeymoon hotel on the lake. she went to the room, slowly and painfuly. the husband chechked in and chatted with the desk clerk

hows the fishing in that lake?

great. get out there early.

wonderful! i just love to fish!

he spent the afternoon checking out the lake

next morning at 4 oclock he came thumping down the stairs with his fishing gear.

up so early? hows the wife?

shes a bit sick. and i just love to fish!

he went off and was gone all day.

next morning he came thumping down the stairs wirh his fishing gear.

out again? hows the wife?

still sick. and i just love to fish!

stayed out all day.

next morning he came thumping down the stairs.

out so early? hows the eife?

still a bit sick.

you know, most peole who come to a honeymoon hotel stay in their room for days. is everything okay?

oh yes, we dont do sex. she has gonorrhea.

oh. im sorry. have you ever considered, like, anal sex?

oh no. she has chronic diarhhea.

thats terrible. perhaps you might try oral sex?

oh no. she has terrible trenchmouth.

dear me. gonorhea, diarhea, trenchmouth . . . forgive me, but why did you come here?

well, she has a terrific case of worms, and i just love to fish!

I have a worm waiting for me. It can wait a little bit longer.

[billy rubin]

Pa: But those lovely little marsupials should be OK, they're good at hiding, let's ask a desert bandicoot.
Ma: Eaten by foxes and cats.
Pa: But how? there were no foxes and cats on that continent.
Ma: People love animals and they couldn't bare to be without their cats.
Pa: Ah, and foxes do humans also enjoy the company of foxes?
Ma: No foxes are fun to kill, people can't be without their sport.
Pa: Oh well the formidable thylacine, they'd hold their own with foxes and cats.
Ma: They were cruel killers of sheep, couldn't let them get away with that.
Pa: Haven't any of the other intelligent species taken humans to task for their actions?
Ma: Dolphins sometimes try.
Pa: So what did the humans say?
Ma: I don't think they understood, didn't say anything, they consider it impolite to talk with a full mouth.
Pa: Do you think we should approach them?
      Why are you showing me that picture?
      Isn't that us on our wedding night?
Ma: No
Pa: Us after our 500th wedding anniversary celebration?
Ma: No it is a common human meal, Spaghetti and Bolognese sauce.
Pa: Oh.

does this make any sense to anybody?

[Icarus]

https://imgur.com/gallery/qJ9ptK6