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Getting To Know You => Laid Back Lounge => Topic started by: no_god_know_peace on November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

Title: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: no_god_know_peace on November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM
A man won the lottery and donated his winnings to a church. The pastor was questioned, "Don't you feel bad about taking this money that was won through vanity?" The preacher responded, "The devil's had it long enough. Now it's my turn."

let have a laugh :) anyone else got any ?

Note for new members. Please don't feel you have to read the whole thread before contributing duplication is not a problem in this thread!   ;D





EDIT. Modified title because I can never find the damn thread! - Tank
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 10, 2011, 01:38:59 AM
A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

'Why?' asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

'Well, I'm a panda,' he says, at the door. 'Look it up.'
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. 'Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hismikeness on November 10, 2011, 03:34:35 AM
Three intransitive verbs walk in to a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Heisenberg on November 10, 2011, 04:03:29 AM
Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 10, 2011, 08:19:14 AM
Quote from: Heisenberg on November 10, 2011, 04:03:29 AM
Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
Very good!

"We don't serve neutrinos."
A neutrino walks into a bar.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 10, 2011, 09:35:03 AM
Why did the electron cross the road?
To get to the other side, probably.



A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic cathedral. One of the parishioners notices him and turns the priest and says, "Why did you let him come in here?" The priest shrugs his shoulders and says, "We can't have mass without him."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on November 10, 2011, 12:38:56 PM
Let us imagine a nice elderly couple, spending their retirement travelling the galaxy observing wildlife.
Earth's one of their favourites but it's been a few centuries since they visited.

Pa:  It says here there are now 7 billion humans, that's quite an impressive effort, we should have a little party to celebrate.
Ma: Are you sure?
Pa: Ye, let's make a guest list.
Ma: Oh, well OK, if you wan't.

Pa: Dodo, we must invite a dodo, remember those lovely birds.
Ma: Na, none left.
Pa: What, what happened?
Ma: Humans ate them all.
Pa: Ah well, there never were many of them though.
    How about a few passenger pigeons, remember the huge flocks that took days to pass?
Ma: Na, gone, eaten by humans.
Pa: Realy,,, oh.
     Great Auks?
Ma: Eaten
Pa: Oh dear, what about chickens?
Ma: Oh ye there's billions of them, they might have trouble getting away for the party though.
Pa: I think we'll leave the birds for now, how about those glorious black rhinos?
Ma: Probably out of luck there, only a few left locked in zoos.
Pa: What? surely humans haven't eaten all of them?
Ma: Humans use their horns for penile enhancement.
Pa: Penile enhancement?
     Is that really necessary? there's 7 billion of them!
     Hey wait a minute, you're having me on aren't you, rhino horn wouldn't help with erections, would it?
Ma: No, and no.
Pa: Javan Tiger?
Ma: Gone, humans object to being eaten.
Pa: Sharks, I know there's still sharks, remember we watched that movie on the trip over here.
Ma: Well there are sharks but they get a bit nervous for their fins around humans.



Ma: Don't you want to continue with your list.
Pa: Ah no, I think I'll leave it till later.
Ma: Well don't leave it too long.
     

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 10, 2011, 12:42:46 PM
TMP, this is a joke thread not a truth thread  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 10, 2011, 01:08:48 PM
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: no_god_know_peace on November 10, 2011, 06:22:21 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 10, 2011, 01:08:48 PM
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

Haha so TRUE  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 10, 2011, 08:15:13 PM
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on November 10, 2011, 08:51:27 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 10, 2011, 01:08:48 PM
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
hahaha! I don't think I've ever agreed with anyone more that you right now.
And as for my bad joke,
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.
Came from Criminal Minds and I loved it... I was the only one in the room who got it and laughed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on November 11, 2011, 05:00:18 AM
Pa: But those lovely little marsupials should be OK, they're good at hiding, let's ask a desert bandicoot.
Ma: Eaten by foxes and cats.
Pa: But how? there were no foxes and cats on that continent.
Ma: People love animals and they couldn't bare to be without their cats.
Pa: Ah, and foxes do humans also enjoy the company of foxes?
Ma: No foxes are fun to kill, people can't be without their sport.
Pa: Oh well the formidable thylacine, they'd hold their own with foxes and cats.
Ma: They were cruel killers of sheep, couldn't let them get away with that.
Pa: Haven't any of the other intelligent species taken humans to task for their actions?
Ma: Dolphins sometimes try.
Pa: So what did the humans say?
Ma: I don't think they understood, didn't say anything, they consider it impolite to talk with a full mouth.
Pa: Do you think we should approach them?
      Why are you showing me that picture?
      Isn't that us on our wedding night?
Ma: No
Pa: Us after our 500th wedding anniversary celebration?
Ma: No it is a common human meal, Spaghetti and Bolognese sauce.
Pa: Oh.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 11, 2011, 09:46:07 AM
A WELSH JOKE

Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted.
"But", added Megan, before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life."
"No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."
After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".
No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."
That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret.
You see, I'm a virgin."
Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.
"Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."
Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home.
If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 11, 2011, 04:52:14 PM
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  It's a hardware problem.


Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - but don't ask me how they got in there...


Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Mauve.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on November 11, 2011, 05:49:41 PM
Quote from: joeactor on November 11, 2011, 04:52:14 PM
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  It's a hardware problem.
Hahaha! Good one1 :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 17, 2011, 04:45:38 PM
A man walks into the doctor's.
Doctor: "You'll have to stop masturbating."
Man: Why!
Doctor: "So I can examine you!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 17, 2011, 04:56:22 PM
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the U.N. The only question was:-  "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"  The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe thay didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe thay didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution " meant.
In South America thay didn't know what "please" meant.
And finally, in the U.S. they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 17, 2011, 04:58:44 PM
Adam and Eve

Adam was returning home late one night. When Eve confronted him.
"You are seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused.

"Don't be silly," he replied. "You are the only woman on earth."

Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked Eve.

"What do you think?" she asked. "I am counting your ribs."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 17, 2011, 05:00:59 PM
Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"

"Autumn," he replied.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 17, 2011, 05:03:59 PM
If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
















































































Their paws.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ransom on November 17, 2011, 10:36:55 PM
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers and takes drinks in turns from each. After draining them he orders another, and goes about it the same way. After a while the bar tender comments on this, and points out it would be easier if he'd just drink 1 at a time. The man then explains that he's drinking like this in memory of his 2 brothers, who live in Australia and South America. He says that before they all went their separate ways, they used to all buy each other drinks. So now, they all buy 3 drinks at 7:00 PM, and drink each one as if they were another person. The bartender is quite touched, and gives him a free round. After finishing them off, the man pays the tab and leaves. He comes back the following night, and repeats the process. After a while the man becomes a regular, and 1 night, he walks in but only orders 2 drinks. The other men quiet, and a few bow their heads. The bartender comes over and says to the man: "allow me to offer my condolences." The man looks up and replies: "Oh, everything's fine. It's just that I recently joined the Mormon Church, and they said I'm not allowed to drink anymore."

(The original joke was of course worded much better, but its been a long time since I read it)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Fi on November 19, 2011, 06:23:49 AM
A pirate waddles into a bar with the ship's wheel in his pants.

"Excuse me, sir," says the bartender, "But it appears you have a ship's wheel in your pants."

"Yarr," says the pirate. "It's drivin' me nuts!"

badum ksh
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 19, 2011, 03:18:14 PM
(I must say that atheist humor is much better than mensa humor)


A carrot walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic.
The bartender says "Hey! You're gonna have to leave"
The carrot asks "Why?"
The bartender replies "We don't serve food in this bar!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 20, 2011, 11:31:02 AM
I saw my first episode of Old Jews Telling Jokes (http://blip.tv/oldjewstellingjokes) a couple of days ago and it's full of some good jokes and some of the worse puns you'll ever hear!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 20, 2011, 11:35:57 AM
http://blip.tv/oldjewstellingjokes/sara-ross-mother-theresa-5270581
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 20, 2011, 04:39:46 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 20, 2011, 11:35:57 AM
http://blip.tv/oldjewstellingjokes/sara-ross-mother-theresa-5270581

Funny!  subscribed!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on November 23, 2011, 05:17:04 PM
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?

Artificial intelligence.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 23, 2011, 05:20:52 PM
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb
A: Five, one to hold the light bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round and round !
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 23, 2011, 07:24:36 PM
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that....2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 23, 2011, 09:31:40 PM
(I don't believe in Satan, but I love this joke)

So, Satan walks into a bar. When the patrons of the bar see him they all run out in terror.
All exept one old man sitting quite calmly at the bar with his whisky.
This puzzles Satan who asks :" Why is it that you do not fear me as all others do?"
The old man looks at him and says: "Why should I be afraid of you? I've been married to your sister for 30 years!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on November 24, 2011, 09:01:37 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEyLuE.jpg&hash=d3b024f994d6127301a92c38b8bbda1bf2156143)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 24, 2011, 11:53:17 AM
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 24, 2011, 01:54:55 PM
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really, ..." says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 24, 2011, 02:42:54 PM
... gotta have something for Thanksgiving...


Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years.
Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea.
Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual.
He screams as he goes running into the bathroom.
Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost.
He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 24, 2011, 05:20:09 PM
^ (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FLaughing_RoflSmileyLJ.gif&hash=408f9683dd143fb3e0c4dfb36ccf4b0387222924)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on November 25, 2011, 01:36:51 AM
Quote from: OldGit on November 24, 2011, 05:20:09 PM
^ (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FLaughing_RoflSmileyLJ.gif&hash=408f9683dd143fb3e0c4dfb36ccf4b0387222924)

This. Times a thousand
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 25, 2011, 01:56:18 PM
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 25, 2011, 09:56:41 PM
Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on November 26, 2011, 01:48:52 AM
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Oh, it's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: skwurll on November 26, 2011, 05:54:01 AM
The only jokes I can call to mind right now are deeply offensive, and believe me, they're just awful.

Well, now that I've said that, I guess I should share a couple.

Q: What's red, white, silver, and runs into walls?

A: A baby with forks in it's eyes.

Q: What's worse than a bee sting?
A: Two bee stings.
Q: What's worse than two bee stings?
A: The Holocaust.
Q: What's worse than The Holocaust?
A: Three bee stings.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 26, 2011, 10:27:55 AM
What's the difference between a cartload of babies and a cartload of sand?

˙ʞɹoɟɥɔʇıd ɐ ɥʇıʍ puɐs pɐoןun ʇ,uɐɔ noʎ
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on November 28, 2011, 10:15:27 AM
Quote from: DeterminedJuliet on November 26, 2011, 01:48:52 AM
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Oh, it's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
Hahaha. Made my day. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 28, 2011, 05:52:24 PM
The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 01, 2011, 11:33:45 AM
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband:
Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied:
"Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Too Few Lions on December 01, 2011, 11:36:35 AM
Quote from: OldGit on November 28, 2011, 05:52:24 PM
The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.
:D that's brilliant
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 01, 2011, 01:25:01 PM
Exchange of romantic texts

She sent the following message while waiting for her train:

My love
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are smiling, send me your smile
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you


He replied:

I'm in the toilet. What do I send???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 01, 2011, 05:15:49 PM
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 01, 2011, 05:22:12 PM
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on December 02, 2011, 08:55:13 PM
After confession one evening, Father O'Leary suggests that he and young Seamus take a 'walk in the woods'.
Reaching a dark clearing young Seamus turns to the priest, "I'm scared" he says.
"You're scared?", says O'Leary "I've got to walk out of here alone"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 03, 2011, 05:04:06 PM
The teacher was encouraging the kids to get creative about last night's firework display.

"What did you do, Emily?"

"Please, Miss, I held a sparkler and I twirled it around and it looked all pretty!"

"Good, Emily, that's lovely.  And what did you do, Veronica?"

"Please, Miss, I saw a lovely rocket that went swoosh up in the air!"

"Lovely, Veronica.  And what did you do, Tommy?"

"Please, Miss, I shoved a banger up the cat's arse."

"Rectum, Tommy, rectum."

"Yes, Miss.  Blew 'em clean off!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 03, 2011, 08:25:43 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 01, 2011, 05:15:49 PM
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

You told it better, but I told it first...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 06, 2011, 01:24:38 AM
Quote from: OldGit on December 01, 2011, 01:25:01 PM
I'm in the toilet. What do I send???
Paper. Because the guy in the stall next to you is usually out  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 06, 2011, 01:32:30 AM
Nice Asmo. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 06, 2011, 01:18:25 PM
Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 06, 2011, 01:21:23 PM
The heretic

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too!
Are your Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too!
Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, Me too!
Are your Episcopalian or Baptist?
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?
He said, Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too!
Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too!
Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 06, 2011, 01:24:57 PM
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 06, 2011, 01:26:48 PM
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?....
Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 06, 2011, 01:43:12 PM
I got married in Skyrim. Now I fear that should I get divorsed, she will take half the loot.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 06, 2011, 07:15:02 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 06, 2011, 01:24:57 PM
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.
I want to use that one in Church tonight.... :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hismikeness on December 06, 2011, 08:13:56 PM
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Why doesn't Jesus like Skittles? They fall through the holes in his hands.

Why doesn't Jesus like Snickers? Because he doesn't FUCKING exist.

Why do women love Jesus? Because he's hung like this... /holds arms out wide.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 07, 2011, 01:20:53 AM
A blonde walks into a pizza place and orders a medium cheese pizza.
The guy behind the counter asks "Would you like that cut into six or eight pieces?"
The blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You better make it six. I don't think I could eat eight!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: launion on December 07, 2011, 01:51:22 AM
the latest from my  in box


Subject: European economics explained
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town In
> Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.
> When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he
> wondered
> how he could afford such a house.
> The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there?
> The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a
> single
> lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
>
>
> The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply
> amazed
> at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.
> When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that
> bridge over there?"
> The Spaniard replied; "No."
>
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 05:46:20 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on December 06, 2011, 01:43:12 PM
I got married in Skyrim. Now I fear that should I get divorsed, she will take half the loot.  >:(
You must be farther along than me.  I didn't even know you could get married.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 05:50:19 AM
Two calculus teachers were having lunch together.  One of them was talking about how stupid young people is becoming.  The other argued that things really weren't all that bad.  So, to settle the argument they decided to ask the waitress a calculus question the next time she came around.  The first teacher went to the restroom and in the meantime, the second signalled the waitress over and told her "In a minute, I'm going to ask you a question.  Regardless of what the question is, I just want you to say 'x squared', ok?" To which she agreed.

The first teacher returned from the restroom and then they asked the waitress "What's the integral of 2x?"  To which she replied "x squared."  Then she leaned in to the teacher who had given her the answer and whispered "+C".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 07, 2011, 05:55:13 AM
Quote from: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 05:50:19 AM
Two calculus teachers were having lunch together.  One of them was talking about how stupid young people is becoming.  The other argued that things really weren't all that bad.  So, to settle the argument they decided to ask the waitress a calculus question the next time she came around.  The first teacher went to the restroom and in the meantime, the second signalled the waitress over and told her "In a minute, I'm going to ask you a question.  Regardless of what the question is, I just want you to say 'x squared', ok?" To which she agreed.

The first teacher returned from the restroom and then they asked the waitress "What's the integral of 2x?"  To which she replied "x squared."  Then she leaned in to the teacher who had given her the answer and whispered "+C".
....Ok, so maybe the youth are getting quite a bit dumber since I have NO idea how that joke was meant to be taken.....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 06:02:56 AM
Quote from: not your typical... on December 07, 2011, 05:55:13 AM
Quote from: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 05:50:19 AM
Two calculus teachers were having lunch together.  One of them was talking about how stupid young people are becoming.  The other argued that things really weren't all that bad.  So, to settle the argument they decided to ask the waitress a calculus question the next time she came around.  The first teacher went to the restroom and in the meantime, the second signalled the waitress over and told her "In a minute, I'm going to ask you a question.  Regardless of what the question is, I just want you to say 'x squared', ok?" To which she agreed.

The first teacher returned from the restroom and then they asked the waitress "What's the integral of 2x?"  To which she replied "x squared."  Then she leaned in to the teacher who had given her the answer and whispered "+C".
....Ok, so maybe the youth are getting quite a bit dumber since I have NO idea how that joke was meant to be taken.....

It means that she already knew the answer to the question.  And, I was so embarrassed about the typo in my original post I had to fix it here when I quoted it.  It only happened because I changed the subject after I had written the verb.  Maybe that shows how dumb adults is [sic] becoming.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 07, 2011, 06:06:58 AM
Quote from: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 06:02:56 AM
It means that she already knew the answer to the question.  And, I was so embarrassed about the typo in my original post I had to fix it here when I quoted it.  It only happened because I changed the subject after I had written the verb.  Maybe that shows how dumb adults is [sic] becoming.
Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Had no clue since she is still struggling through Algebra 2) But now that I get it, it is quite amuzing. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Happy_Is_Good on December 07, 2011, 06:14:36 AM
Here's an oldie....

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class that each student should think of a story and then a moral lesson learned for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Amy raises
her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral lesson of the story and Amy replies, Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Sandy offers to tell her story, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral lesson of the story and Sandy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Finally it's little Andy's turn and he says, "My uncle John fought in the war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer."

"Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Andy and asks if there is possibly any moral lesson to his story and Andy answers, "Don't mess with uncle John after he's been drinking!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 07, 2011, 06:41:19 AM
^ This... XD ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 08:05:06 PM
I always feel bad for the dyslexic atheist insomniac. 

He'd lie awake all night long wondering if there really was a dog.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 07, 2011, 08:07:44 PM
Quote from: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 08:05:06 PM
I always feel bad for the dyslexic atheist insomniac. 

He'd lie awake all night long wondering if there really was a dog.
hahahaha! It's so wrong but so good.

Dyslexics Untie!

Procrastinators Unite!.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Tomorrow!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on December 11, 2011, 11:13:25 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F8j5Nd.jpg&hash=f28ea3e79292923164c1c439197bf9564529ff3a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 11, 2011, 02:07:30 PM
A couple are driving home when they run over a badger. They get out and find that it is still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says, "Put it between your legs to warm it up."
The wife replies, "But it's wet and it stinks."
The husband says, "Well hold the badger's fucking nose then!"


I was feeling horny so I phoned the wife for a bit of phone sex As she answered, I said, "Tell me you're not wearing any knickers"
She said, "I actually am not wearing any knickers."
I said, "Oh yeah baby, tell me what you're doing, you naughty girl!"
She replied, "I'm taking a shit."

A local Member of Parliament visits an old folks home and asks a 90 year old woman if she'd ever been bed-ridden. She replied, "Oh yes, several times, but I prefer to be fucked up the ass on the sofa."

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me, "How did you find her body?"
I replied, "Well, her tits were ok, but the rigor mortis had tightened her asshole a bit too much for my liking."

I was in pub last night and saw two large girls up by the bar. They both had strange accents so I said, "Hello are you two girls from Scotland?"
They screamed, "It's Wales, you fucking idiot!!"
So I immediately apologized and said, "Oh sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I said to my doctor, "I've badly bruised my penis during a surfing accident"
He said, "Did you fall off your surfboard?"
I replied, "No, I had to slam my laptop shut rather quickly."


What's six inches long and isn't going to get sucked tonight?
Jimmy Saville's cigar

Last night I told my mate that I'd been shagging his wife.
He said, "Are you serious?"
I said, "no, nothing like that, it's just sex"

"Push harder!!" I shouted to my wife while she was in labour.
"Fuck off you twat!" she screamed back at me.
A bit harsh, I thought. It wasn't my fault the car had broken down on the way to the hospital.

I went to bed with 3 Thai girls last night. It was like winning the lottery - they had 6 matching balls.

A muslim has died while training to be a skydiver. A spokesman for the BNP School of Skydiving said he had no idea why the snorkel and flippers failed to open.

I just heard a rumour that Paul McCartney is already arguing with his new wife. Apparently she is spending twice as much money on shoes as his last wife.

My mate just asked me what ringtone I had. I said, "I don't know..... probably light brown..."

My wife came down from the shower and said, "I've shaved my pussy, do you know what that means?"
I replied, "Yeah, the fucking plughole is blocked..."

;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 11, 2011, 06:18:28 PM
There's a new type of Viagra available called 007.

It makes you roger more.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 12, 2011, 08:46:35 PM
Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its balls.
The first man says: "Blimey, I wish I could do that."
The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He might bite."



If you're in a long-term relationship, try the following to spice up your sex life: Get your lover, blindfold them, get some ropes and chains and tie them very tightly to the bed. Then go and screw somebody else.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Melmoth on December 12, 2011, 08:53:14 PM
What is the difference between Madeleine McCann and Madeleine McCann jokes?

The jokes got old.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sovereign_Reason on December 13, 2011, 03:05:32 AM
A long line of nuns is waiting to get into the VIP section of Heaven. 

St. Peter is standing before the gates explaining the rules... "If you've had any contact with a human penis," he said,
you have to wash that area of your body in this holy water before you'll be allowed to enter the Holy City. 

The first nun walked up and St. Peter asked her "Have you had any contact with a human penis?"
Her response:  "Well I touched the tip of one with the tip of my finger once..."
St. Peter told her to wash her finger in the holy water and enter Heaven.

The second nun walked up and St. Peter asked the same question.
"Well... a priest and I got a little out of control and I massaged one with my hand."  she responded.
He told her to wash her hand off really well and then enter Heaven.

Throughout this whole proceeding, a rather large nun from the back of the LONG line had been clawing and tackling her way to
the front of the line.  It became such a disturbance that eventually, St. Peter had no choice but to address it.

"What is the meaning of this?"  he asked when she had reached the front of the line.

She responded:  "Look dude... if I'm going to have to gargle that shit, I'm doing it before Sister Mary-Thomas sticks her ass in it."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 13, 2011, 03:17:07 PM
During the gold rush, a miner in the Klondike finally struck it rich.
He went into the nearest town, and stormed into the saloon.
Throwing some gold on the bar, he grabbed the bartender and said:
"I just struck it rich!  Gimmie two bottles of beer, and point me to the roughest, toughest whore in the Klondike!"
"She's upstairs," the bartender replied, "second door on the left".
The miner grabs the beers, stomps up the stairs, and kicks open the second door on the left.
"I'm lookin' for the roughest, toughest whore in the Klondike!" he shouts.
The mountain woman in the room turns and says "Well, honey, you found her!"
Then she rips off her clothes, turns her back to the miner and grabs her ankles.
"How do you know I want it that way?", he asks.
"I don't", she says, "I just thought you might wanna open up them beers first..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 13, 2011, 04:40:20 PM
Christmas in the Winehouse home will be different this year: there will still be a tree but there will be less needles on the floor.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 13, 2011, 09:15:41 PM
Jack the miner stumbles into town after spending 6 months up at his prospect.
Walking into the saloon he inquires at the bar:
"Hey, bartender! Are there any hookers in this town?"
"Nope", said the bartender. "But there is always old William if you are really desperate."
"I'm not really into that sort of thing", said Jack and returned to his mine.

Six months later Jack the miner walks back into town, and goes back to the bar.
"Hey, bartender! Are there still no hookers in this town?"
"Yep", said the bartender. "But there is still old William if you are really desperate."
"Well, Im still not really into that sort of thing", Jack said and left town witrh unfinished buisness.

After another six months and the coldest winter in living memory, Jack returns to the bar.
" If I go for this Willian fellow, it would stay a secret, right?"
"Oh, yes", said the barkeep. "Just between me, you, old Willian and two more guys."
"What two other guys?" asked Jack.
"To hold old William down of course!  ;) He's not really into that sort of thing either."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 14, 2011, 11:31:33 AM
    A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
    "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow.  I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.  From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.  Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
    "I see," the captain says.
    Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
    "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 14, 2011, 11:54:07 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on December 14, 2011, 12:14:41 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 14, 2011, 11:54:07 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5) Yoink.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: unholy1971 on December 19, 2011, 04:04:47 AM
Quote from: OldGit on November 10, 2011, 01:08:48 PM
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

Love this. LMFAO
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 24, 2011, 09:30:43 AM
Two women just called at my door and asked what bread I ate.
When I said, "White", they gave me a lecture for 30 minutes on the benefits of brown bread.
I think they were Hovis Witnesses!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 24, 2011, 11:23:03 AM
Apple have just brought out a tablet marketed directly at Catholic priests. It's called the iTouch Kids

Anal sex is like my first car: I didn't want it but my uncle gave it to me anyway....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 24, 2011, 04:56:39 PM
A little girl is in the bath with her little boy cousin.

"What's that?", she asks.

"That's my willee!"

"Oh, yes, my Daddy's got two of those."

"Your Daddy's got two willees?

"Yes - he's got a little floppy one like yours for doing wee-wee, and a great big long stiff one for cleaning the au-pair's teeth."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 25, 2011, 12:48:22 PM
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. 'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.

I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves.' George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. 'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. 'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.' The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!   

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 26, 2011, 04:57:12 AM
Quote from: Tank on December 06, 2011, 01:26:48 PM
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?....
Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

Hey, I resemble that remark!  ;D

In other news, two atoms were walking down the street when one says "I think I have lost an electron." The other says, "Are you positive?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 26, 2011, 10:04:51 AM
What do you get in you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a punk rocker?
Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to fuck off.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 26, 2011, 10:29:16 AM
^^^ Very good  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 26, 2011, 12:54:21 PM
Two bacteria walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "We don't serve bacteria in this bar".
The bacteria reply: "But we work here! We're staph."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 26, 2011, 05:31:44 PM
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "where is the bar tender?"



A baby seal walks into a club...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 26, 2011, 06:57:25 PM
A horse walks into a bar

The barman says, "Why the long face?"


A sandwich walks into a bar

The barman says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve food here."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 26, 2011, 07:00:10 PM
The old ones are the best.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 26, 2011, 07:06:38 PM
Shroedinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 26, 2011, 09:40:42 PM
These aren't jokes, but they did make me laugh.  ;D

Like how it's tradition for a Dane to grope a Norwegian's chest as a greeting. Or If the Öresund sea freezes, and a Swede walks over to Denmark over the ice, a Dane is allowed to hit the Swede with a stick.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 26, 2011, 10:00:48 PM
The story is that here in Hereford, over 1,000 years ago, it was legal to shoot a Welshman in town after dark.  And they say the law is still in force.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 26, 2011, 10:04:43 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 26, 2011, 10:00:48 PM
The story is that here in Hereford, over 1,000 years ago, it was legal to shoot a Welshman in town after dark.  And they say the law is still in force.  ;D
Big morgue nearby, yes?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 26, 2011, 10:58:20 PM
Rumor has it that in Montana if you see five Indians traveling together it is considered a war party and they can be shot if you are in a covered wagon. It's still a law there.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 26, 2011, 11:26:31 PM
Quote from: lomfs24 on December 26, 2011, 10:58:20 PM
Rumor has it that in Montana if you see five Indians traveling together it is considered a war party and they can be shot if you are in a covered wagon. It's still a law there.
...So, a flatbed truck with canvas top, that's a covered wagon, no? Doesn't say it can't be self-propelled, does it?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on December 27, 2011, 02:24:05 AM
Aren't these things known as wagons?
I used to have one, it was fast but hated stopping except for fuel.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft3.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcSWb859LY6TVW3-wepk9iwl9Ohr6ToCgjlTx_ood1CQEEAKS1LlzaA9ly2k&hash=605314ca38ee43b471082e4a449e95deab22628a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 27, 2011, 02:27:15 AM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on December 27, 2011, 02:24:05 AM
Aren't these things known as wagons?
I used to have one, it was fast but hated stopping except for fuel.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft3.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcSWb859LY6TVW3-wepk9iwl9Ohr6ToCgjlTx_ood1CQEEAKS1LlzaA9ly2k&hash=605314ca38ee43b471082e4a449e95deab22628a)
The Asmo's Old Rusty is a wagon too. And it starts, stops, goes forwards and backwards and side to side and has a leaky cooling system.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 27, 2011, 03:27:34 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on December 26, 2011, 11:26:31 PM
Quote from: lomfs24 on December 26, 2011, 10:58:20 PM
Rumor has it that in Montana if you see five Indians traveling together it is considered a war party and they can be shot if you are in a covered wagon. It's still a law there.
...So, a flatbed truck with canvas top, that's a covered wagon, no? Doesn't say it can't be self-propelled, does it?  ;D
I don't think it says anything about the method of moving the covered wagon. Except I don't think a flatbed truck was an option at the time the law was written. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 06:00:00 AM
Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 06:05:09 AM
Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 06:05:55 AM
Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 01:00:37 PM
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association

Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 01:09:51 PM
A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 01:10:51 PM
A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."

A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.
"Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 01:16:06 PM
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 27, 2011, 02:38:23 PM
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... and the rest will say they did it first.


How do you know if a drummer's stool is level?

The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.


How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's skin up and think about it....


Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

He had to break in to get the drummer out.


How do you know when there's a drummer at your door?

The knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 27, 2011, 05:26:07 PM
Quote from: squidfetish on December 27, 2011, 02:38:23 PM
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... and the rest will say they did it first.


How do you know if a drummer's stool is level?

The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.


How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's skin up and think about it....


Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

He had to break in to get the drummer out.


How do you know when there's a drummer at your door?

The knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in.

As a drummer, I am slightly offended... (but still vastly amused!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 27, 2011, 05:53:35 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 27, 2011, 01:00:37 PM
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association

I too suffer from a bit of CDO which is like OCD but in the correct alphabetic order like it should be.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on December 27, 2011, 06:07:35 PM
Q. What type of meat does the pope eat?
A. Nun
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 27, 2011, 06:12:33 PM
Quote from: Robert on December 27, 2011, 06:07:35 PM
Q. What type of meat does the pope eat?
A. Nun
I see the joke, but the pope is not a vegetarian, is he?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on December 27, 2011, 06:19:41 PM
I have no idea, but if I keep seeing Elder scrolls quotes it is just going to remind me that my 360 took a crap over a year ago and that I really need to get a PS3 so I can get skyrim.  Until then I will be sitting in a corner crying.   :'(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 27, 2011, 07:17:23 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 10, 2011, 01:08:48 PM
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

This is a good one. The way I heard it was

Religion is like a penis. It's OK if you have one, it's even OK if you are proud of it, just don't whip it out in public and force it down my throat.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 28, 2011, 03:41:51 PM
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing hysterically. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 28, 2011, 03:50:32 PM
A guy was walking along the beach when he sees this bottle with some inscription on it. He picks it up and starts to rub away the dirt to see the inscription when a genie pops out. The genie says "I am the mother-in-law genie and I will grant you three wishes. However, before you wish, you must know that what ever you wish for I will give to you, but will give your mother-in-law double. Now, make your wishes!"

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I wish I had a million dollars!"
And POOF! just like that he had a million dollars in the bank. But, his mother-in-law had two million in the bank.

He thinks for a moment more and says, "I wish I had a big fancy house on the hill!"
And POOF! just like that he had a big fancy house on the hill. But, his mother-in-law had a big fancy house on either side of his. He think this isn't any good, I have to make my last wish count. So he thinks for a long time then suddenly blurts out, "I wish I was beat half to death!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 28, 2011, 04:09:14 PM
With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider. My 25th high school reunion must have been in HD!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 30, 2011, 11:10:21 PM
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on December 31, 2011, 05:25:44 AM
What's the difference between a badger and a head of lettuce?

Neither one can drive a tractor!

(I love kind of absurd humor.)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 31, 2011, 09:06:46 AM
^^^  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 31, 2011, 02:43:46 PM
Badger! Badger! Badger!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm1.static.flickr.com%2F22%2F24965286_4cad7135fc.jpg&hash=4dd8125a7a8a7e2dba02d2f037c19f0bfa3c0811)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on December 31, 2011, 03:05:54 PM
Quote from: Ali on December 31, 2011, 05:25:44 AM
What's the difference between a badger and a head of lettuce?

Neither one can drive a tractor!

(I love kind of absurd humor.)

I'm having trouble finding absurdity in your humour.
Silly is OK most of the time.
Ah sorry I'm being to negative, here have some smiligans  :) :D :) ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 31, 2011, 06:19:30 PM
My 10 year old daughter has just set up a Facebook account.

I said to her, "Choose your profile picture carefully."

"Why's that, Dad?" she replied.

"Because it'll be the one they use when you go missing."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 31, 2011, 08:39:34 PM
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres ... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 04, 2012, 07:36:49 AM
Q. What's the most important aspect of great sex?
A. Having somebody else there!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 08, 2012, 04:24:27 AM
Three old women are talking about the bad things that come with getting old.

The first one says, " My memory is really bad, the other day I was at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn't remember if I had just come down or if I had to go up."

The second one says, "That's nothing, the other day, I opened the fridge door and I couldn't remember if I had just put something in or if I had to take something out."

The third one says, "I'm so glad I don't have those kind of memory problems, (and she knocks on wood three times.) Then she says, "Oh, there's someone at the door!"  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: envilid on January 08, 2012, 06:39:07 AM
What goes "clop clop clop bang bang".........................an Amish drive-by
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on January 09, 2012, 02:52:50 PM
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 09, 2012, 03:13:09 PM
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'".
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2012, 04:23:53 PM
Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg710.imageshack.us%2Fimg710%2F9922%2Frimshot.gif&hash=77d5ac078a921ed7ff6be629eed7a4f2ac98bb10)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 10, 2012, 09:12:10 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 10, 2012, 04:23:53 PM
Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg710.imageshack.us%2Fimg710%2F9922%2Frimshot.gif&hash=77d5ac078a921ed7ff6be629eed7a4f2ac98bb10)

(7... 8... 9... ) Oh! I get it!  (funny ;-)

Reminded me of this one:

A three year old boy opens the refrigerator and sees a squirrel inside.
The boy says "hey! what are you doing in my fridge?"
The squirrel asks "isn't this a Westinghouse?"
"Yeah", says the boy.
"Well" the squirrel replies, "I is westing!"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 12, 2012, 08:19:27 PM
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".  He said "Those are pickled onions".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: superfes on January 12, 2012, 08:52:32 PM
Just heard this one on the radio...

QuoteA cab driver is doing his rounds downtown when he sees a naked woman running down an ally toward his cab.

He picks her up and she tells him where she lives.

He starts driving there and she notices him checking her out through the rear-view mirror.

She asks: You like what you see?

He replies: Well, I was just wondering how you're going to pay your fare...

She puts her feet up against the glass and spreads her legs and says: I was going to pay with this...

He says: Have anything smaller?

=D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 12, 2012, 09:10:00 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 12, 2012, 08:19:27 PM
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".  He said "Those are pickled onions".

BAD PUN! ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 13, 2012, 01:03:20 AM
Quote from: Tank on January 12, 2012, 08:19:27 PM
I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".  He said "Those are pickled onions".
:o WHO would dare complain about lumps?!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on January 13, 2012, 02:21:36 AM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on December 31, 2011, 03:05:54 PM
Quote from: Ali on December 31, 2011, 05:25:44 AM
What's the difference between a badger and a head of lettuce?

Neither one can drive a tractor!

(I love kind of absurd humor.)

I'm having trouble finding absurdity in your humour.
Silly is OK most of the time.
Ah sorry I'm being to negative, here have some smiligans  :) :D :) ;D

D'oh!  I typed the joke wrong.  I'm awful at jokes, I always mess them up.  Let me try it again:

What do a badger and a head of cabbage have in common?

Neither one can drive a tractor.

Better?

--------------------------------------------

Somehow it's not as funny this time around.

Okay, okay.  Let me try another one.

Guy goes out to the woods to go hunting, and he shoots at a bear, but misses.  The bear comes over and says "I hate hunters, and I especially hate bear hunters.  I'll give you a choice.  You can either let me have my way with you, or I can just kill you."

The hunter doesn't want to die, so he lets the bear do have him.

The next day, the hunter is still fuming over having to give over to the bear, so he packs a bigger gun, and he goes back out to the woods.  Shoots at the bear, misses.  Bear comes over and says "You again?!?  Well, you know the drill.  What'll it be?"

The next morning, the hunter is even more angry at having let the bear do his thing twice in two days, so he packs his biggest gun and he goes back to the woods.  Apparently being the world's worst shot, he shoots at the bear again, and misses again.  The bear comes over and says "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on January 13, 2012, 02:24:40 AM
Faith is Greater than Reason
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 13, 2012, 09:08:11 AM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on January 13, 2012, 02:24:40 AM
Faith is Greater than Reason

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 13, 2012, 09:14:43 AM
Quote from: Tank on January 13, 2012, 09:08:11 AM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on January 13, 2012, 02:24:40 AM
Faith is Greater than Reason

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)
+1
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 13, 2012, 11:23:17 AM
Quote from: Tank on January 13, 2012, 09:08:11 AM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on January 13, 2012, 02:24:40 AM
Faith is Greater than Reason

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)

Took me a sec to get it, but funny!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 13, 2012, 03:22:12 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on January 13, 2012, 09:14:43 AM
Quote from: Tank on January 13, 2012, 09:08:11 AM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on January 13, 2012, 02:24:40 AM
Faith is Greater than Reason

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)
+1

+2
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 13, 2012, 05:00:34 PM
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on January 13, 2012, 07:14:30 PM
One day, a local man was out fishing with his parish priest.  The priest caught a fish, and before he could help himself, the local man exclaimed "That's a big son of a bitch!"  The priest looked very disapproving, and began to lecture the man about using impure language.  To cover his embarrassment, the man said "Oh no, no Father!  That's the actual name of the fish.  You know, like some fish are trout, some are catfish, that one's a Sonovabitch."

The priest nodded and smiled.  "Oh, see.  I apologize for the misunderstanding."

The priest took the fish home, and brought it to Sister Mary Clare.

"I caught this big Sonovabitch today.  Can you please clean it so we can eat it tonight for dinner?"

"Father!  Your language!"

"No, no, that's the name of the fish.  You know, like some fish are trout, some are catfish, that one's a Sonovabitch."

"Oh, I see.  Of course Father, I'll clean it for you.

Next, Sister Mary Clare took the fish to Sister Mary Francis.

"Father Thomas caught this big Sonovabitch, and I cleaned it.  Can you please cook it for our dinner tonight?"

"Sister!  Your language!"

"No, no, that's the name of the fish.  You know, like some fish are trout, some are catfish, that one's a Sonovabitch."

"Oh, I see.  Of course Sister Mary Clare, I'll cook it for you."

That night, the Pope came for dinner, and as he took a bite of the fish, he commented on how delicious it was.

Father Thomas said proudly "I caught the Sonovabitch."

Sister Mary Clare said proudly "I cleaned the Sonovabitch."

Sister Mary Francis said proudly "I cooked the Sonovabitch."

The pope looked around the table for a moment, and then broke into a big grin.  "You motherfuckers are alright!" he said.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AnimatedDirt on January 13, 2012, 07:32:14 PM
Found this:

A religious woman upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, "Praise the Lord." This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, "there is no Lord." One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, "Praise the Lord, who gave me this food." The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed "it wasn't the Lord, it was me." The lady without missing a beat screamed "Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 13, 2012, 08:03:42 PM
LOL  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 14, 2012, 09:36:08 PM
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.  "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."  And they did. 

"Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?  Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 19, 2012, 07:46:03 AM
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an
evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to
the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You
bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and
get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.

Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been
studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on
Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair."

To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on January 20, 2012, 05:04:45 PM
When I heard that Steven Hawking had reached 70 I thought "Fuck me, that's some powerful wheelchair!"


First prize in this week's Italian National Lottery is a mediterranean cruise. Last week's was a rollover.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 22, 2012, 08:10:50 PM
Two boys were walking through a churchyard one dark and stormy night. As one stopped to do up his shoelaces they heard an eerie voice coming from behind one of the tombs saying
"Now that I've got you, I'm going to eat your legs first, then your arms, then you head and finally I'll gulp down your body."
Terrified, the boys ran for the exit but before they could get out of the gate a figure in black loomed before them.
"I thought I heard someone," said the minister, "would you boys like a jelly baby?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 24, 2012, 08:15:20 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 24, 2012, 08:52:41 PM
Ok... Tank's jogged my memory...


A guy with a duffle bag walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Hey! Will you give me a free drink if I show you something you've never seen before?"
The bartender says "Sure, why not..."
Then the customer opens his duffle bag, pulls out a tiny piano, a little bench, and a guy who's a half-foot high.  The little guy begins to play beautiful music.
The bartender is amazed, gives the guy a free drink and says "Ya mind if I ask where you got that?"
The customer takes out a necklace he's wearing and replies "This is a wish necklace - you just hold it and ask for what you want..."
The bartender says "I'll give you free drinks for life if you let me make one wish!"
The customer agrees.
The bartender holds the necklace and says "I want a hundred thousand bucks!"
Next thing he knows the bar is packed to the rafter with ducks!
"Hey!" the bartender yells - "that's not what I asked for!"
... and the customer says "Do you really think I wished for a six-inch pianist?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 24, 2012, 09:00:25 PM
I once bought a Bonnie Tyler satnav, it was rubbish. It kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: happyhappa on January 25, 2012, 05:25:04 PM
Here is a joke that I was told by a six year old client.
I'm sure its way cuter told by him, but I still cracked up!
Client:  "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Me:  "Why"
Client:  "To get to your house"....
Me:....   ???
Client:  "Knock Knock"
Me:  "...whose there?..."
Client:  "THE CHICKEN!!!!!!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 25, 2012, 05:38:57 PM
Quote from: happyhappa on January 25, 2012, 05:25:04 PM
Here is a joke that I was told by a six year old client.
I'm sure its way cuter told by him, but I still cracked up!
Client:  "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Me:  "Why"
Client:  "To get to your house"....
Me:....   ???
Client:  "Knock Knock"
Me:  "...whose there?..."
Client:  "THE CHICKEN!!!!!!!"

That is a cute one.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 25, 2012, 06:48:23 PM
Quote from: happyhappa on January 25, 2012, 05:25:04 PM
Here is a joke that I was told by a six year old client.
I'm sure its way cuter told by him, but I still cracked up!
Client:  "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Me:  "Why"
Client:  "To get to your house"....
Me:....   ???
Client:  "Knock Knock"
Me:  "...whose there?..."
Client:  "THE CHICKEN!!!!!!!"
That's one bright 6 year old.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 03:12:34 PM
Chuck norris jokes anyone? Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 03:55:27 PM
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 04:00:58 PM
Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 04:07:12 PM
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 04:12:43 PM
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights off, he turns the dark off.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 04:50:30 PM
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 05:08:00 PM
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 05:35:47 PM
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 05:47:49 PM
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lay the fuck down.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 06:15:00 PM
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 06:20:05 PM
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th, but it wasn't Jesus's birthday.  Jesus was too scared to correct Chuck Norris, so to this day the world knows December 25th as Jesus's birthday.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 03, 2012, 06:26:11 PM
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 06:32:22 PM
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom.
Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 06:39:02 PM
There are no such things as tornadoes.  Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 06:55:20 PM
Death once had a near chuck norris experience
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 06:59:00 PM
Chuck Norris isn't lactose intolerant.  He just doesn't put up with lactose's shit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 07:06:42 PM
They tried to make a chuck norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody
Chuck norris already visited mars.  That is why there is no sign of life.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 07:10:24 PM
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 03, 2012, 07:24:16 PM
The Asmo, he wears boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers on them.

Not a joke, but ridiculous enough for one.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 07:33:34 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 03, 2012, 07:24:16 PM
The Asmo, he wears boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers on them.

Not a joke, but ridiculous enough for one.  >:(

Asmo doesn't wear boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers, boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers wear him!  (That's how the Chuck Norris joke would go. ;))
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 07:34:40 PM
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 07:37:51 PM
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug in his room.  The bear isn't dead it's just afraid to move.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 07:41:13 PM
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 07:43:07 PM
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 03, 2012, 07:49:00 PM
Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talkin' 'bout...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 08:02:33 PM
Chuck Norris has a GPS, but he tells IT which way to go.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 03, 2012, 08:06:38 PM
Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he bench presses the world.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 03, 2012, 08:18:21 PM
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

By the way, you guys might enjoy this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjnVEsXtNIU
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 08:18:37 PM
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 08:43:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg708.imageshack.us%2Fimg708%2F7219%2F39982410150499400521819.jpg&hash=f230c2a6f2f9ede7bcea448d4655e49bbf7fde7f) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/708/39982410150499400521819.jpg/)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 08:49:19 PM
^^^^  LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 04, 2012, 12:19:07 AM
Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer.  Unfortunately, Chuck Norris never cries.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Mocha Chief on February 04, 2012, 09:59:50 AM
Thought I would start a joke thread to give everyone a laugh every now and then.


A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 04, 2012, 10:36:12 AM
http://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/index.php?topic=8587.0

That thread is still very much alive, so why not use it?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Mocha Chief on February 04, 2012, 11:49:13 AM
Yeah as soon I started this one I looked and saw that one was already started. My bad lol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Mocha Chief on February 04, 2012, 11:53:34 AM
‎"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 04, 2012, 12:19:47 PM
The staff will likely merge them. No harm done in any case - it's just easier to follow the forums if there only exists one instance of each living thread.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 04, 2012, 12:35:01 PM
I so loved that! Teen Asmo getting corrected by Daddy Asmo!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 04, 2012, 01:07:56 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 04, 2012, 12:35:01 PM
I so loved that! Teen Asmo getting corrected by Daddy Asmo!!!

That's funny right there!

So is this (Not fo little ones!):

A guy walks into an electronics store.
He approaches the clerk
Clerk: "Can I help you?"
Guy: "Yes. I'm looking into buying a home security system for my bedroom including at least four cameras. My wife is having an affair, you see.."
C: "Man, that's got to be tough. Who is it? Mail man, best friend, an old ex...?"
G: "Eighteen year old high school girl."
C: ...... :o In that case I should tell you about our special on bulk quantities of high grade DVDs."
G: "I love a store that understands it's customers."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 04, 2012, 02:54:51 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 04, 2012, 12:35:01 PM
I so loved that! Teen Asmo getting corrected by Daddy Asmo!!!

*snerk*
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 04, 2012, 04:01:02 PM
Quote from: Ali on February 04, 2012, 02:54:51 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 04, 2012, 12:35:01 PM
I so loved that! Teen Asmo getting corrected by Daddy Asmo!!!

*snerk*
Well, if The Asmo didn't do it, someone else might have. Then The Asmo would have to eat that person alive on an altar for the honor of His lineage and Tanks, for starters, taste like metal  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on February 10, 2012, 02:02:11 PM
A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It�s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....



"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 10, 2012, 02:04:07 PM
^^^ LOL  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 11, 2012, 11:46:02 AM
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on February 11, 2012, 12:38:40 PM
Quote from: Ali on February 03, 2012, 07:33:34 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 03, 2012, 07:24:16 PM
The Asmo, he wears boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers on them.

Not a joke, but ridiculous enough for one.  >:(

Asmo doesn't wear boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers, boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers wear him!  (That's how the Chuck Norris joke would go. ;))

I've been reading the Chuck Norris jokes, such a rich new experience.
Although I'm new to the scene I have to disagree, Chuck/Asmo don't wear boxer shorts, they wear the skin of a once illustrious victim, any remnant cloth isn't of their concern.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 11, 2012, 07:57:49 PM
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 11, 2012, 11:43:28 PM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on February 11, 2012, 12:38:40 PM
I've been reading the Chuck Norris jokes, such a rich new experience.
Although I'm new to the scene I have to disagree, Chuck/Asmo don't wear boxer shorts, they wear the skin of a once illustrious victim, any remnant cloth isn't of their concern.

There is something extremely disturbing about the idea of Asmo wearing someone's skin over his naughty bits.   :-\

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 13, 2012, 03:58:05 PM
Chuck Norris can't even find his naughty bits, because they are afraid to come out of hiding.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 13, 2012, 06:15:20 PM
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on February 14, 2012, 08:51:09 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s720x720/381495_328685953827531_205344452828349_1234324_2048513525_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 15, 2012, 03:10:52 PM
Men and women are different.
Women expect men to do certain things.
I mean, my girlfriend was all upset because I didn't help her out of the car.
I was just too busy swimming to the surface.



Edit: citing Emo Philips as the guy who I stole the joke from.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: McQ on February 15, 2012, 03:36:33 PM
Alright, I'm not going to read through 14 pages of jokes to check and see if this was posted already. I don't think it was, but if so, ignore it.



The bartender said, "We don't serve faster than the speed of light neutrinos in here".


A faster than the speed of light neutrino walked into a bar.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 15, 2012, 03:38:16 PM
It was the 5th post in the thread   :D


Quote from: Tank on November 10, 2011, 08:19:14 AM
Quote from: Heisenberg on November 10, 2011, 04:03:29 AM
Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
Very good!

"We don't serve neutrinos."
A neutrino walks into a bar.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 15, 2012, 04:06:43 PM
A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve superconductors in this bar".
The room temperature superconducter leaves without resisting.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: McQ on February 15, 2012, 08:20:51 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 15, 2012, 03:38:16 PM
It was the 5th post in the thread   :D


Quote from: Tank on November 10, 2011, 08:19:14 AM
Quote from: Heisenberg on November 10, 2011, 04:03:29 AM
Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
Very good!

"We don't serve neutrinos."
A neutrino walks into a bar.




I just knew I shouldn't have started by looking for that joke on the last page of the thread, working toward the first page! I got tired of looking about half way through. Lol!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 15, 2012, 08:55:58 PM
Some helium drifts into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve any noble gases in this establishment."
The helium doesn't react.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 15, 2012, 09:05:37 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ^^
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on February 15, 2012, 11:45:49 PM
Why did Uhura cry?
Because William Shatner.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 16, 2012, 10:10:17 AM
Here's another one cut and pasted lock, stock and barrel from another forum:

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.  Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.  Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.  Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.  'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.  'I would like it infrequently,' she replied.  The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word or two?'

Aggie, if you ever see this, take my plagiarism as a compliment.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 16, 2012, 10:18:33 AM
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: philosoraptor on February 16, 2012, 11:49:17 AM
My contribution to the Chuck Norris jokes:
*Chuck Norris is suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are the names of his right and left legs.
*When tax time rolls around, Chuck Norris just sends the IRS a picture of himself crouched and ready to strike.  Chuck Norris has never paid taxes.
*Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

An existentialist joke:
A priest, a hooker, and Martin Heidegger are sitting at a bar.  Heidegger says, "I'm undertaking an existential analytic of Dasein in all its throwness and facticity."  The priest and the hooker say, "Huh?"

A gross joke told to me by a college student:
Q: Why don't old ladies like to pee in the morning?
A: Have you ever pulled apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 18, 2012, 11:13:37 PM
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I
am going to make it rain until the whole world is
covered with water and all the evil things are
destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and
two of every living thing on the planet. I am
ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of
lightning, he delivered the specifications for the
ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling
with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and
the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked
down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A
lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside
Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my
best, but there were some big problems. First, I had
to get a building permit for the ark's construction,
but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to
hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a
long argument with him about whether to include a
sprinkler system.

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was
violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my
front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for
the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to
save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the Fish and Wildlife
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got
sued by an animal rights group that objected to me
taking along only two of each kind.

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without
filling out an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.
Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has
seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the
state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I
don't think I can finish the ark in less than five
years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to
shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah
looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2012, 02:38:02 PM
Q. What's the difference between a stoat and weasel?
A. A Weasel is weasily wecognised and a stoat is stoataly different
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Gawen on February 22, 2012, 06:44:20 PM
Finally...

The Dalai Lama is hungry and walks into a pizza shop. He asks the guy, "Can you make me one with everything?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2012, 06:54:13 PM
Quote from: Gawen on February 22, 2012, 06:44:20 PM
Finally...

The Dalai Lama is hungry and walks into a pizza shop. He asks the guy, "Can you make me one with everything?"

Watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 22, 2012, 07:00:44 PM
Quote from: Gawen on February 22, 2012, 06:44:20 PM
Finally...

The Dalai Lama is hungry and walks into a pizza shop. He asks the guy, "Can you make me one with everything?"

... he pays for the meal and asks the pizza guy for his change.
The Pizza guy shakes his head and says "Change must come from within..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on February 22, 2012, 08:43:11 PM
Those outside the U.S. may not get this one:

Have you heard about the new LSU credit card? You get Les Miles and zero points.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 22, 2012, 08:58:00 PM
Quote from: ThinkAnarchy on February 22, 2012, 08:43:11 PM
Those outside the U.S. may not get this one:

Have you heard about the new LSU credit card? You get Les Miles and zero points.
Some sort of transportation related thing offering you less mileage and no benefits?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on February 22, 2012, 09:03:20 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 22, 2012, 08:58:00 PM
Quote from: ThinkAnarchy on February 22, 2012, 08:43:11 PM
Those outside the U.S. may not get this one:

Have you heard about the new LSU credit card? You get Les Miles and zero points.
Some sort of transportation related thing offering you less mileage and no benefits?
http://www.nola.com/bcs/index.ssf/2012/01/alabama_snatches_bcs_title_out.html
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on February 22, 2012, 09:07:22 PM
Quote from: ThinkAnarchy on February 22, 2012, 08:43:11 PM
Those outside the U.S. may not get this one:

Have you heard about the new LSU credit card? You get Les Miles and zero points.

That's good!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 22, 2012, 09:34:17 PM
Felt it was time for another dirty one:

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2012, 08:28:25 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg46.imageshack.us%2Fimg46%2F3071%2Ffairyy.jpg&hash=4b151b99a5ab1709e3f86be23d74f8c03fe1bb72)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2012, 08:32:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg849.imageshack.us%2Fimg849%2F6553%2Fkermits.jpg&hash=a4d8ce7beb2a70c3951649a3ba8bd7c66b8ddebd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on February 24, 2012, 08:48:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 24, 2012, 08:32:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg849.imageshack.us%2Fimg849%2F6553%2Fkermits.jpg&hash=a4d8ce7beb2a70c3951649a3ba8bd7c66b8ddebd)
Never thought I would find a picture on HAF that would end up in my porn folder.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 24, 2012, 08:55:31 PM
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2012, 10:15:46 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg109.imageshack.us%2Fimg109%2F5643%2Fdudejp.jpg&hash=2118142ee5a30eec62bd763dc4d24c376aa5e853)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 26, 2012, 10:52:24 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg849.imageshack.us%2Fimg849%2F9449%2F40594410150684365946208.jpg&hash=5dad7984f0218b252198ab82aee16ff04a25c598) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/849/40594410150684365946208.jpg/)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 27, 2012, 01:51:29 AM
^^*snerk*

;D

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 27, 2012, 12:03:42 PM
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Truthseeker on February 27, 2012, 07:39:09 PM
The two friends go out for beers.  One ends up completely smashed.  They leave the bar and his friend drops him off in front of his house.  He sees a duck on the sidewalk and picks it up and goes to the front door where he finds his distraught wife with a look of discust on her face.  He says to her in his inebriated state "I jesssst wanted to introduce you to the pig thay I've been fuckin'".  The wife replies "That is not a pig in your arms you idiot.  That is a duck".  To which he then retorts "I vas talkin' to de duck".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 28, 2012, 11:14:35 PM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Truthseeker on February 28, 2012, 11:43:26 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on February 28, 2012, 11:14:35 PM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"


LMAO.  Top shelf Guardian!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 29, 2012, 01:04:56 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on February 28, 2012, 11:14:35 PM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

After he fired the other guy, he hired a woman.
A week later he forgot his hammer, so he pointed to his eye ("I"), pointed to his knee ("need"), and made a hammer motion.
The woman nodded, then pointed to her eye, pointed to her boobs, and pointed to her crotch.
He ran all the way down and shouted "Don't you understand!!! I need a hammer!"
"I know!" - she ran through her motions again "I Left-Tit in the Box!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 29, 2012, 01:54:18 AM
Quote from: joeactor on February 29, 2012, 01:04:56 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on February 28, 2012, 11:14:35 PM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

After he fired the other guy, he hired a woman.
A week later he forgot his hammer, so he pointed to his eye ("I"), pointed to his knee ("need"), and made a hammer motion.
The woman nodded, then pointed to her eye, pointed to her boobs, and pointed to her crotch.
He ran all the way down and shouted "Don't you understand!!! I need a hammer!"
"I know!" - she ran through her motions again "I Left-Tit in the Box!"


Oooooh! Good follow-up!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 04, 2012, 01:57:30 PM
Copernicus' parents: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 04, 2012, 02:33:46 PM
Quote from: Tank on March 04, 2012, 01:57:30 PM
Copernicus' parents: "Nick, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?"
They would probably use his first name. Fixed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AnimatedDirt on March 05, 2012, 07:55:36 PM
Heaven and Hell

While walking down the street one day a politician was tragically struck by a
car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from high up.  What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really?  I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In
the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine
on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a
good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it
is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven
where St.Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven..."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time

and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity,"  says St. Peter.

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted..."


Vote wisely on November 6, 2012
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on March 05, 2012, 11:36:34 PM
Why did the hipster wear a scarf in the summer?
Because he was cold before it was cool.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 06, 2012, 02:46:44 AM
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 06, 2012, 10:11:13 AM
^ LOL!

---------------------


A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on March 06, 2012, 11:00:10 AM
Did you hear about the farmer who plowed up what appeared to be an ancient Roman coin that was marked 104BC? How did he know that it was a fake?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 08, 2012, 04:33:22 PM
A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 11, 2012, 08:08:15 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg15.imageshack.us%2Fimg15%2F1010%2Fshituq.jpg&hash=2972c95098b2c224dbf9142d9942e1373da0ced0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 11, 2012, 08:20:45 AM
The kid does look high, vacant and/or hung over though, no?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 11, 2012, 08:43:39 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 11, 2012, 08:20:45 AM
The kid does look high, vacant and/or hung over though, no?  :D
Very much so, and little kids can look very much like that while their immature brains start up.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 11, 2012, 10:18:24 AM
I'd just come out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 11, 2012, 11:16:32 PM
A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The rabbi explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The televangelist then proclaims: "I also use the same method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants, he can take."


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 12, 2012, 01:52:29 AM
Just a silly one I thought I'd add:

A baby mouse was foraging for food one day with it's mother and they spotted a bat flying.
"Look mom, and angel!" said the baby mouse.

Yeah, I'm not that good at jokes. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 12, 2012, 07:11:55 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on March 12, 2012, 01:52:29 AM
Yeah, I'm not that good at jokes. 
No, that was indeed a joke. It's a well-known fact that rats and mice worship a winged Asmo.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MorneDJ on March 12, 2012, 07:32:13 AM
Dear John, I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then broke down about a mile down the road. I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes.He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the Neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I need advice urgently. Can you please help? 

Sincerely, Sheila   

__________________________________

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold. It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty. 

I hope this helps, 

John
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 12, 2012, 07:41:54 AM
It can also be a choked air filter or air intake, a broken gear box (Comes with a wide variety of rattles while driving), water in petrol, petrol in diesel and a whole mob of other issues.  ???

Would need more info to tell her exactly what the problem was.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 12, 2012, 10:13:09 AM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him..
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table
with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye
and takes a sip of his coffee!!!!
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee: 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' ... he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do honey'... she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on March 24, 2012, 03:37:07 PM
Quote from: OldGit on March 11, 2012, 10:18:24 AM
I'd just come out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'


Haha, ouch!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 24, 2012, 04:39:56 PM
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 26, 2012, 04:00:51 PM
Put down all food and drink before watching!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T1vfsHYiKY
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on March 26, 2012, 04:24:56 PM
Quote from: Tank on March 26, 2012, 04:00:51 PM
Put down all food and drink before watching!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T1vfsHYiKY

Haha, some of the viewer comments are pretty priceless.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on April 03, 2012, 02:04:51 PM
Sorry in advance...

1. Two  blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of  them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -  '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A  guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.  The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I  went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't  find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet  him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He  said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in  a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man  came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,  'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know  you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood  disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting  in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,  proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped  himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry  growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put  on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green  Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it  common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler  to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.   So he picks the dog up  and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's  cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you  call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into  my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said  'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..' 

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's  either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger  brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat  blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one  says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two  kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was  eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,  'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the  doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor  said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air  disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna  plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have  recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as  digging continues into the  night.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 03, 2012, 02:14:23 PM
^^^ I have started spreading the joy at fb  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 03, 2012, 04:15:52 PM
Scissorlegs, those were painful! And yet funny...


A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ibm on April 07, 2012, 03:08:22 AM
Quote from: Tank on November 23, 2011, 05:20:52 PM
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb
A: Five, one to hold the light bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round and round !

Q: How many Irishmen Newfies does it take to change a light bulb
A: Five, one to hold the light bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round and round !

In Canada, that'd be considered a Newfie joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on April 07, 2012, 03:36:50 AM
Don't worry, we Newfies have our own jokes  ;)

In a very swish part of Toronto's retail area two young very hip guys are looking at their new high end boutique. The decorating is done, the stainless steel/glass shelving is erected and the carpet is laid, all they are waiting on is the expensive merchandise to arrive. After surveying their masterpiece one guy turns to the other and says;
"What do you bet some dumb Newfie will come in and ask what we are selling?"
As his friend finishes agreeing with him, a Newfie walks in.
"Aye boys, what are ya sellin?" asks the Newfie.
One guy looks at the other, winks and replies "Ass-holes".
The Newfie takes a quick look around the store and says;
"Aye ya must of had a good price you only got two left"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 07, 2012, 11:22:19 AM
A Swede comes into a bookstore to buy a book.
Bookstore employee: "Do you want something light or would you prefer heavier reading?"
Swede: "Doesn't matter, I have the car with."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 07, 2012, 11:45:24 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 07, 2012, 11:22:19 AM
"Doesn't matter, I have the car with."
You see, that's smart thinking right there! For every kilometer you drive, another polar bear cries another tear, if the eco-whatevers are to be believed and, as an added bonus, you can carry some seriously heavy books without breaking your own back.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 07, 2012, 12:07:54 PM
As the Titanic sinks, three men stand talking on the deck: a teacher, a lawyer and a priest.

The teacher says, "The kids!  We've got to save the kids!"
The lawyer says, "Fuck the kids."
The priest says, "Do we have time?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 07, 2012, 01:22:24 PM
^^^ I shared that on the secret atheists page on fb 'The society of the Godless'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 07, 2012, 03:29:55 PM
Sven was going to buy his first TV. He went into the electronics shop where Ole worked as a salesman. "I want to buy that nice TV over there" Sven said.
"Sorry, we don't sell TV's to Swedes" Ole said.

Sven was flabbergasted but refused to give up so easily.
He bought himself a very expensive disguise complete with the outfit, the hairstyle and even learned a new accent. He came back to the furniture shop.
"Hey, man, be cool. I really dig dat TV there. How much you want for it, cat?" Sven asked.
Ole didn't pause in his response. "Sorry, we don't sell TV's to Swedes!"

Sven was flabbergasted and more determined than ever.
He went to a neighboring city and bought another disguise and learned another new accent.
He came back to the furniture shop. "Howdy, partner, I'd sure like to purr-chess that TV yonder, wa-ja say?" Sven asked.

Ole again immediately responded, "Sorry, we don't sell TV's to Swedes!"
Sven stepped back, ripped off his mask, and demanded, "Hey, how the hell did you know I'm a Swede?"
"Well, for starters that's a microwave oven...."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: keithpenrod on April 08, 2012, 10:49:41 AM
Stole this one from Hitchens. 

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian? 
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: history_geek on April 08, 2012, 12:54:26 PM
These are not so much jokes, but sayings in Finnish that are sometimes used for humorous effect:

"Konstit on monet, sano tummu kun kissalla pöytää pyyhki"

"Tricks are many, grandma said while sweeping the table with a cat"

There seems to be a "it's funny because it's true"-mentality in a lot of these.

Altought the one above is some times followed by:

"Vaihtelu virkistää sano kissa kun tummulla pöytää pyyhki"

"Change is refreshing, said the cat while sweeping the table with grandma"

;D

"Kyllä aikaa on, mutta ikä loppuu."

Roughly translates as "Sure there's time, but it's age that's running out"

"Aikainen lintu madon nappaa, mutta vasta toinen hiiri saa juuston"

"Early bird gets the worm, but it's only the second mouse that gets the cheese"

"Toivossa on hyvä elää, sano lapamato, niin kauan kuin toivo elää"

"It'a good to live in Hope, said the tapeworm, as long as Hope is alive"
(In Finland, "Toivo" is just like "Hope" in English, both a name as well as a word)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 08, 2012, 03:23:23 PM
Quote from: history_geek on April 08, 2012, 12:54:26 PM
"Aikainen lintu madon nappaa, mutta vasta toinen hiiri saa juuston"
"Early bird gets the worm, but it's only the second mouse that gets the cheese"

... reminded me of:
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 08, 2012, 04:19:16 PM
Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: The Swedes have nice neighbours!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 09, 2012, 11:36:48 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 08, 2012, 04:19:16 PM
Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: A swede is a root vegetable.

FTFY  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 09, 2012, 11:42:55 AM
Quote from: OldGit on April 09, 2012, 11:36:48 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 08, 2012, 04:19:16 PM
Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: A swede is a root vegetable.

FTFY  ;D
Turnips, yes? The Asmo is only semi-failiar with such. He doesn't usually eat green things unless there is capsiacin in them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 09, 2012, 11:49:31 AM
There were two Swedish carpenters building a house. One of them opened a pack of nails, and asked the other: "Why are half of the nails lying in the wrong direction?"
The other replied: "You moron! They are supposed to be used on the other side of the house!"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 09, 2012, 01:03:16 PM
Q: How do Norwegians forge ten crown bills?
A: They scrape one zero off a hundred bill.

A Norwegian went to a museum. The tour guide was explaining: "This sword is over 2000 years old." The Norwegian paused for a second to think about it and then asked: "How is that possible? We are only in the year 1998."

Q: What did the Norwegian train robbers say while robbing a train? A: Okay, now, get us some guns...

Norwegian was bragging to his friend:
- I just bought a piece of field that is 2 cm wide and 10 km long.
- What on Earth are you going to do with a field like that?
- Grow spaghetti, of course.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 09, 2012, 03:13:08 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on April 09, 2012, 01:03:16 PM
Q: What did the Norwegian train robbers say while robbing a train? A: Okay, now, get us some guns...
...And how is getting some guns while robbing shit not sensible? They could be quite useful in future operations..?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 09, 2012, 03:20:37 PM
The little Swedish kid asked his teacher why the days in the summer were so much longer. The teacher answered, "Oh, that's because the heat makes everything expand."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 12, 2012, 03:55:54 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/526265_378266902214102_346614042046055_1127563_357308626_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 12:37:51 PM
Quote from: Amicale on April 12, 2012, 03:55:54 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/526265_378266902214102_346614042046055_1127563_357308626_n.jpg)

But he forgot to mention that he rode to the hospital on a polar bear!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 01:20:14 PM
Why did the Swede put condoms on his ears?  ???

He wanted to avoid getting hearing aids.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 01:44:21 PM
A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on April 12, 2012, 02:19:20 PM
Quote from: Amicale on April 12, 2012, 03:55:54 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/526265_378266902214102_346614042046055_1127563_357308626_n.jpg)

:D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 04:51:52 PM
"Dad, I'm pregnant," the daughter said.
"Hey, wait a minute. Are you sure it's yours?" the Swedish father responded.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 05:03:01 PM
Two Norwegians went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and one says, "The way I figger it, each of them fish cost us $400. Well. At dat price it`s a good ting we didn`t catch any more of em than we did."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 05:35:34 PM
Why are Swedish jokes getting sillier and sillier?

Because the Swedes have started to make them up themselves.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 05:40:36 PM
So what`s the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 05:52:39 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on April 12, 2012, 05:40:36 PM
So what`s the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
Why insult people with tips? They do get paid a salary for their services.

(I do not count "keep the change" as active tipping)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 12, 2012, 06:35:02 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 05:52:39 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on April 12, 2012, 05:40:36 PM
So what`s the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
Why insult people with tips? They do get paid a salary for their services.

(I do not count "keep the change" as active tipping)

This is maybe a cultural difference...? I know in some places, tipping is considered odd or offensive. In other places though, you tip someone for good service because it's a way of saying thank you for a job well done. It would only be insulting if you deliberately undertipped them, as a way to slight them - like leaving two pennies on the table if you thought the service sucked.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 06:54:49 PM
We only ever tipped a few times in Sweden. It's not common, but it is still considered nice.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 06:58:13 PM
No tip is also a tip, as they say.....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 07:06:34 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on April 12, 2012, 07:13:14 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 07:06:34 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.

That's because you've never worked for $2.13/hr.

ETA:  In the US, employers don't have to pay minimum wage for servers; the thought is that tips will make up the difference.  When I was a server, the going rate was $2.13/hr.  If some nice Norwegian man said "Thank you very much for the service" I would have thought "What a nice man."  And then when he didn't tip, I would have thought "That cheap mfer."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 07:17:49 PM
Quote from: The Ali on April 12, 2012, 07:13:14 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 07:06:34 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.

That's because you've never worked for $2.13/hr.
...Nor would I work for such coin unless it is at least lower-average salary in that area.

I have, however, worked with customer service in different forms. Never needed tips to pay for my gasoline and meat.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AnimatedDirt on April 12, 2012, 07:21:29 PM
Quote from: The Ali on April 12, 2012, 07:13:14 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 07:06:34 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.

That's because you've never worked for $2.13/hr.

ETA:  In the US, employers don't have to pay minimum wage for servers; the thought is that tips will make up the difference.  When I was a server, the going rate was $2.13/hr.  If some nice Norwegian man said "Thank you very much for the service" I would have thought "What a nice man."  And then when he didn't tip, I would have thought "That cheap mfer."

Exactly.

I'm a big tipper if I get the service I like and I'm a 15% tipper if I simply get good service.  Rarely have I tipped less than 15% as it is rare I've had a server not deserving of at least 15%.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on April 12, 2012, 07:23:07 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 07:17:49 PM
Quote from: The Ali on April 12, 2012, 07:13:14 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 07:06:34 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.

That's because you've never worked for $2.13/hr.
...Nor would I.

I have, however, worked with customer service in different forms. Never needed tips to pay for my gasoline and meat.

That's because those that work for gas stations and...uh....meat stores(?) get paid at least minimum wage.

I realize it's probably different in Norway, but in the US, servers can make great money, assuming people tip well.  They can also be screwed if people don't tip well.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 07:59:35 PM
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 12, 2012, 08:25:00 PM
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.
All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog around, knocking stuff off the shelves.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 12, 2012, 08:55:26 PM
Q: Why can't Germans get AIDS?
A: Germans don't have any friends
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 12, 2012, 08:59:40 PM
Q: What is the different between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less person drunk
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 12, 2012, 09:07:39 PM
The Pessimist: sees only the darkness in the tunnel
The Optimist: sees the light at the end of the tunnel
The Realist: sees that the light comes from a train
The Train Driver: sees three idiots on the tracks
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 09:18:45 PM
Quote from: The Ali on April 12, 2012, 07:13:14 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 07:06:34 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.

That's because you've never worked for $2.13/hr.

ETA:  In the US, employers don't have to pay minimum wage for servers; the thought is that tips will make up the difference.  When I was a server, the going rate was $2.13/hr.  If some nice Norwegian man said "Thank you very much for the service" I would have thought "What a nice man."  And then when he didn't tip, I would have thought "That cheap mfer."

I guess it's a case of "When in Rome..."
If I am in a country with a tipping culture, I tip. If not, I don't.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 10:05:42 PM
Quote from: The Ali on April 12, 2012, 07:23:07 PM
That's because those that work for gas stations and...uh....meat stores(?) get paid at least minimum wage.
I don't think we even have that. Oh, there are some wages some of our companies pay foreign construction workers and cleaning staff, that are so unethical that they are actually illegal, but I don't know any one making a "minimum wage", be they in pizza delivery, customer service or... Whatever.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AnimatedDirt on April 12, 2012, 10:13:52 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 10:05:42 PM
Quote from: The Ali on April 12, 2012, 07:23:07 PM
That's because those that work for gas stations and...uh....meat stores(?) get paid at least minimum wage.
I don't think we even have that. Oh, there are some wages some of our companies pay foreign construction workers and cleaning staff, that are so unethical that they are actually illegal, but I don't know any one making a "minimum wage", be they in pizza delivery, customer service or... Whatever.

Ever heard of fast-food?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 10:27:59 PM
Quote from: AnimatedDirt on April 12, 2012, 10:13:52 PM
Ever heard of fast-food?
Yes. Them at that place I usually go to make more than a regular grocery store worker. I hear McD's pays a bit less, but their workers are not cheap either - they'd go get another job if they were too underpaid, and so we pay 10-20 bucks for a burger as a result.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AnimatedDirt on April 12, 2012, 10:35:12 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 10:27:59 PM
Quote from: AnimatedDirt on April 12, 2012, 10:13:52 PM
Ever heard of fast-food?
Yes. Them at that place I usually go to make more than a regular grocery store worker. I hear McD's pays a bit less, but their workers are not cheap either - they'd go get another job if they were too underpaid, and so we pay 10-20 bucks for a burger as a result.

Sorry, I had a difficult time following the first point.  The latter; McD's pays minimum wage to their starters, I'm not sure what you mean that their workers are not cheap.  McD's is not a job (the service part), certainly, to raise a family on except MAYBE in a managerial position in the least.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 10:38:33 PM
Oh, if you want to be the only one working in a family of three or four and with minimal government support, then I'd recommend being at least an engineer or a psychologist - life is sort of expensive here and the lower end jobs sort of pay enough for one, maybe one and a kid.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 10:58:01 PM
Sven and Lisa met on the boat as they proceeded to a new life in America and soon fell in love.
After clearing customs they went to City Hall to get a marriage license. Since neither one of them spoke much English one of the secretaries helped them fill out the required forms.
The lady asked Lisa "What's your nationality?"
Lisa said "I yust come over from da old country and don't unnerstand nationality. Vat's dat?"
The lady said "Well you are tall and blond and definitely have a Scandinavian accent. Don't you have a little Swede in you?"
  Lisa blushed and said "Yah dat damned Sven, he yust couldn't vait."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 13, 2012, 06:36:29 AM
Knock Knock..
Who's there?
Gestapo
Gestapo who?
Ve Vill ask ze Questions!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 13, 2012, 06:49:25 AM
A tourist in Amsterdam slips and falls in an Amsterdam canal.
So he shouts: "Hilfe, Hilfe!"
A local native passes by and says to that guy: "You should have learned swimming, instead of German" 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 13, 2012, 11:32:13 AM
^ (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FLaughing_RoflSmileyLJ.gif&hash=408f9683dd143fb3e0c4dfb36ccf4b0387222924)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on April 13, 2012, 08:32:41 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on April 13, 2012, 06:36:29 AM
Knock Knock..
Who's there?
Gestapo
Gestapo who?
Ve Vill ask ze Questions!

LOL!!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ibm on April 14, 2012, 03:47:34 AM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on April 12, 2012, 05:40:36 PM
So what`s the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
So what`s the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe kayak? Well, a canoe kayak will sometimes tip bend and roll over. (this is homemade)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ibm on April 14, 2012, 04:22:21 AM
Quality Control Bill got fired from the M&M plant. He was removing all candies with the letter "W" on it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 14, 2012, 06:02:32 AM
Quote from: ibm on April 14, 2012, 04:22:21 AM
Quality Control Bill got fired from the M&M plant. He was removing all candies with the letter "W" on it.
That took far too much thinking about this time of the morning.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 14, 2012, 11:57:39 AM
What happens to the average IQ in Norway and Sweden if a dumb Norwegian moves to Sweden?

It increases in both countries.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on April 14, 2012, 02:59:53 PM
So I was feeling left out (since I didn't know any Norwegian jokes, and I would NEVER malign my beloved Swedes.)  I googled "Norwegian jokes" and came up with a bunch of rather unfunny jokes that I believe are actually aimed at American Swedes (Swedes, Norwegians, same diff, amiright?) or anyway, they follow the American stereotype of Swedes in America fairly closely. 

Then I came across this.  I don't really "get" most of it, but I am hoping that our Norwegians will find it funny.  Enjoy!   :-*

QuotePeoples Social- Demokratic Monarc Kingdom of Norway (pronounced nowhere by Asians and Canadians) is an imaginary tropical country situated at the Earth's north pole. Norway's most imaginary territories include North Dakota, Minnesota, South Dakota and the Ocean, where Norwegians pretend to get food, lay their eggs and harvest a mysterious black liquid used in religious rituals.

Norway is not only a vassal of Russia but also a member of the United Federation of Russia and the Holy Russian Empire since its independence from USA in 1953, Norway maintains a strong reputation amongst outsiders for its harsh censorship and a strong, almost fetishistic love of socks, particularly white ones. The republican kingdom has, in recent years, been at war with Denmark and, more infrequently, Good Mikhailism Decency. A little known fact about these so-called Norwegians is that they reproduce asexually. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 14, 2012, 04:48:01 PM
Quote from: The Ali on April 14, 2012, 02:59:53 PM
So I was feeling left out (since I didn't know any Norwegian jokes, and I would NEVER malign my beloved Swedes.)  I googled "Norwegian jokes" and came up with a bunch of rather unfunny jokes that I believe are actually aimed at American Swedes (Swedes, Norwegians, same diff, amiright?) or anyway, they follow the American stereotype of Swedes in America fairly closely. 

Then I came across this.  I don't really "get" most of it, but I am hoping that our Norwegians will find it funny.  Enjoy!   :-*

QuotePeoples Social- Demokratic Monarc Kingdom of Norway (pronounced nowhere by Asians and Canadians) is an imaginary tropical country situated at the Earth's north pole. Norway's most imaginary territories include North Dakota, Minnesota, South Dakota and the Ocean, where Norwegians pretend to get food, lay their eggs and harvest a mysterious black liquid used in religious rituals.

Norway is not only a vassal of Russia but also a member of the United Federation of Russia and the Holy Russian Empire since its independence from USA in 1953, Norway maintains a strong reputation amongst outsiders for its harsh censorship and a strong, almost fetishistic love of socks, particularly white ones. The republican kingdom has, in recent years, been at war with Denmark and, more infrequently, Good Mikhailism Decency. A little known fact about these so-called Norwegians is that they reproduce asexually. 

Usually when you search Norwegian jokes, you will get the Ole and Lena jokes, which I don't find that funny.

But if you like that sort of stereotype thing, then you would like this: http://satwcomic.com/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on April 14, 2012, 05:12:13 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on April 14, 2012, 04:48:01 PM


Usually when you search Norwegian jokes, you will get the Ole and Lena jokes, which I don't find that funny.

But if you like that sort of stereotype thing, then you would like this: http://satwcomic.com/

Yes, that's what I found, Ole and Lena.  Not funny.  On the other hand, I LOVE the Scandinavia and the World comics.  I don't know why I find them so addictive, but I could read them for hours.  I think it helps that Humon explains them, otherwise I probably wouldn't get a lot of them.

ETA:  Hahahahaha  http://satwcomic.com/parenting  This is one I get without the explanation, but I do like the explanation ("Bad parents get bad children, England  >:()  You Brits better pay more attention to us or we're going to color all over your walls.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on April 17, 2012, 12:40:24 AM
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning " Windows frozen"
Husband texts back, "pour some luke warm water over it"
Wife texts back "computer completely knackered now"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 17, 2012, 10:56:40 AM
Quote from: Scissorlegs on April 17, 2012, 12:40:24 AM
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning " Windows frozen"
Husband texts back, "pour some luke warm water over it"
Wife texts back "computer completely knackered now"

That's what dumbass husband gets for writing "it" where he should have written "them".  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 17, 2012, 01:18:28 PM
Three women were bragging about their sons.
The first woman jumped up and said, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Emminence!'"
Not to be outdone, the second woman says, "My boy is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Excellency!'"
Then the last woman looks at the others and says, "I don't know about YOUR boys, but my son is 17 years old and weighs 500 lbs. Whenever he walks into a Church they always say 'OH MY GOD!'"


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on April 17, 2012, 02:02:30 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 17, 2012, 01:18:28 PM
Three women were bragging about their sons.
The first woman jumped up and said, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Emminence!'"
Not to be outdone, the second woman says, "My boy is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Excellency!'"
Then the last woman looks at the others and says, "I don't know about YOUR boys, but my son is 17 years old and weighs 500 lbs. Whenever he walks into a Church they always say 'OH MY GOD!'"




LOL
I love it!!! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 17, 2012, 02:51:47 PM
Two Belgians are crawling over the railroad track.
First Belgian: This stair never seem to end.
Second Belgian: Yeah, and the handrail is also very low
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 17, 2012, 02:54:40 PM
Now one joke about my own countrymen.

Q: How does the Dutch recipe for an omelet starts?
A: Borrow an egg.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 20, 2012, 11:33:34 PM
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 21, 2012, 12:24:15 AM
An Irish man, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump  off  this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off this building too."

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irish man opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.  The blonde guy opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irish man's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made his own lunches!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 21, 2012, 07:58:34 AM
An American, a Russian and a Belgian are sitting in a bar.
The American: "Our American submarines can stay under water for more than three years"
"Ah.." says the Russian, "The Russian submarines can stay under water, twice as long than that".
"That is nothing", says the Belgian, "Our submarines never go up".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 21, 2012, 01:14:54 PM
What's the best weapon against the Russian Navy?

Rust remover.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 21, 2012, 03:28:54 PM
Why didn't the Belgian Navy participate in WW-II?

There wasn't enough wind.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on April 21, 2012, 04:06:47 PM
Quoteknow any good jokes

No

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 21, 2012, 05:21:54 PM
What is the worlds shortest book?

"Austrian Navy Handbook".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 21, 2012, 05:27:43 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 21, 2012, 05:21:54 PM
What is the worlds shortest book?

"Austrian Navy Handbook".
But only after 30th August 2006. (http://christopher-eger.suite101.com/the-final-end-of-the-austrian-navy-a10363)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 21, 2012, 05:45:40 PM
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 21, 2012, 06:11:23 PM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on April 21, 2012, 04:06:47 PM
Quoteknow any good jokes

No


There were some ok ones here before this thread devolved to "Know any _Insert Nationality_ jokes?"  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on April 21, 2012, 09:04:46 PM
I have one that doesn't involve nationality.

A donkey and camel were walking through the desert. They had been walking for a while and were both very thirsty. They came across a watering hole and the camel immediately drank up all the water.

"What are you doing?" asked the donkey.

The camel responded, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

So they walk a little more and they come up on the second water hole. Again, the camel drinks all the water before the donkey get's any.

"What are you doing, I'm thirsty too."

The camel says again, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

They next come across the 4th water hole...

(Sorry need to take a quick break)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 21, 2012, 10:08:10 PM
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches." ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 21, 2012, 10:19:30 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 21, 2012, 10:08:10 PM
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches." ;D
This is totally unbelievable. I remember what 27 stitches felt like and I didn't even think about smiling for a fortnight!! 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on April 21, 2012, 10:24:32 PM
Quote from: ThinkAnarchy on April 21, 2012, 09:04:46 PM
I have one that doesn't involve nationality.

A donkey and camel were walking through the desert. They had been walking for a while and were both very thirsty. They came across a watering hole and the camel immediately drank up all the water.

"What are you doing?" asked the donkey.

The camel responded, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

So they walk a little more and they come up on the second water hole. Again, the camel drinks all the water before the donkey get's any.

"What are you doing, I'm thirsty too."

The camel says again, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

They next come across the 4th water hole...

(Sorry need to take a quick break)

Alright, well it looks like I will have to wait a while for someone to bite, if it were ever going to happen. But when you tell it in person someone always corrects you with, "Don't you mean the third watering hole?" To which you respond, "shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

Corny yes; but I never get tired of doing it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hector Valdez on April 21, 2012, 10:28:12 PM
A man walks into a bank on April 1st and fills out a note with the words, "This is an April fools joke: Give me all your money." The teller looks at the joke and laughs. "Good one, she says.". The man then pulls out a sig sauer .9mm and says, "April Fools!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 21, 2012, 10:30:17 PM
Quote from: ThinkAnarchy on April 21, 2012, 10:24:32 PM
Quote from: ThinkAnarchy on April 21, 2012, 09:04:46 PM
I have one that doesn't involve nationality.

A donkey and camel were walking through the desert. They had been walking for a while and were both very thirsty. They came across a watering hole and the camel immediately drank up all the water.

"What are you doing?" asked the donkey.

The camel responded, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

So they walk a little more and they come up on the second water hole. Again, the camel drinks all the water before the donkey get's any.

"What are you doing, I'm thirsty too."

The camel says again, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

They next come across the 4th water hole...

(Sorry need to take a quick break)

Alright, well it looks like I will have to wait a while for someone to bite, if it were ever going to happen. But when you tell it in person someone always corrects you with, "Don't you mean the third watering hole?" To which you respond, "shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

Corny yes; but I never get tired of doing it.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg515.imageshack.us%2Fimg515%2F9691%2Ftumbleweedxw3.gif&hash=f990779270859b5ee69a9048d4f2fc482d1411e4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 22, 2012, 01:51:44 AM
A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it
go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price
was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened,
and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 22, 2012, 02:14:16 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 22, 2012, 01:51:44 AM
A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it
go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price
was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened,
and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

This joke in all of its variations (with the punchline always being the same) has always been one of my favourites!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 22, 2012, 09:44:56 AM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 26, 2012, 08:57:23 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg805.imageshack.us%2Fimg805%2F7249%2Fdogu.jpg&hash=8143682bcfb8994c4ee96d37daabc3619fa0125c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 27, 2012, 12:49:08 AM
Here's one that's just too good to pass up sharing. It isn't a joke, but a very funny, odd situation that happened about 7ish years ago:

From http://www.lettersofnote.com/2011/03/seat-29e.html

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm6.static.flickr.com%2F5292%2F5496483525_98f2b6a51b_o.jpg&hash=fe994f3f6c8cf67de3c20bd28d7bbc365ae80735)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 27, 2012, 01:07:39 AM
I want to know how they responded!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 27, 2012, 08:59:14 AM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on April 27, 2012, 01:07:39 AM
I want to know how they responded!  :D
Me too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 27, 2012, 09:15:01 AM
My guess? They laughed for an obnoxiously long time and then tossed the complaint, OR responded with a politically correct letter, promising less than nothing while appearing to take the complaint seriously.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 27, 2012, 11:08:32 AM
Quote"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 27, 2012, 12:48:06 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 27, 2012, 11:08:32 AM
Quote"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-

:D  :D  :D Classic.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 27, 2012, 12:52:38 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 27, 2012, 11:08:32 AM
Quote"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-

That's punny.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 27, 2012, 12:55:35 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on April 27, 2012, 12:52:38 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 27, 2012, 11:08:32 AM
Quote"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-

That's punny.  ;D


Not to mention not pooh-poohing the idea, and trying to fix the problem in a whiz!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 30, 2012, 01:56:26 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/523675_392525920788200_346614042046055_1163655_1805490682_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on April 30, 2012, 02:45:25 AM
Quote from: Amicale on April 30, 2012, 01:56:26 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/523675_392525920788200_346614042046055_1163655_1805490682_n.jpg)

I like that one a lot. I will have to share it with my evil anarchist cohorts.   ;) I view it as more truth as opposed to a joke though.  :'(

P.S. I have been using emoticons like they are about to go extinct lately...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 05, 2012, 08:08:23 PM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car It's hundreds of  them!'



Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As  they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it I could have
sworn we just went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red..  Again, they went right  through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it...  She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was  red and they went
on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could
have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and  said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'



Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts  her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I  getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't  know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I  going up the stairs or
down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and
listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head  and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood.'
She  then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see
who's  at the door.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 05, 2012, 08:13:08 PM
^^^ all three good  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 05, 2012, 08:46:06 PM
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. 'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 06, 2012, 07:18:32 AM
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Steve Reason on May 06, 2012, 09:52:26 AM
lol You guys are killing!  ;D

Here's one I made up in my empty head many years ago: What do you call a guy that has spent so much time away from his wife fishing, that he now always knows which bait to choose without fail?

Why a master baiter of course! Har!  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 07, 2012, 10:24:30 PM
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
' May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

' Yes. '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No. '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy, ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter. '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME .'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 09, 2012, 01:37:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.venganza.org%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F04%2Fnoodle_currency_thumb.jpg&hash=faae9f9d6af93862b2796d387c5e4413144208a9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 09, 2012, 04:28:52 PM
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 02:59:26 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/35527_362942407097155_333621403362589_1060467_1819273145_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:33:58 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

:D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 10, 2012, 08:35:01 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:33:58 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

:D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:36:27 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 08:35:01 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:33:58 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

:D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bibliofagus on May 10, 2012, 08:38:09 PM
From my roommate who has some odd sense of humor. I do not necessarily agree to what I'm about to say but I don't know any other joke.

"They say there's safety in numbers, say that to the 6 million jews!" Badum-tss!!

No? Yes? Whatever...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:49:50 PM
Quote from: Bibliofagus on May 10, 2012, 08:38:09 PM
From my roommate who has some odd sense of humor. I do not necessarily agree to what I'm about to say but I don't know any other joke.

"They say there's safety in numbers, say that to the 6 million jews!" Badum-tss!!

No? Yes? Whatever...

No for me personally. I don't mind off-colour jokes, per se, but not that sort. Ah well, you tried.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on May 10, 2012, 08:56:45 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:49:50 PM
Quote from: Bibliofagus on May 10, 2012, 08:38:09 PM
From my roommate who has some odd sense of humor. I do not necessarily agree to what I'm about to say but I don't know any other joke.

"They say there's safety in numbers, say that to the 6 million jews!" Badum-tss!!

No? Yes? Whatever...

No for me personally. I don't mind off-colour jokes, per se, but not that sort. Ah well, you tried.

Yeah, as heee-larious as the Holocaust was (/sarcasm) this one didn't really tickle my funny bone. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on May 10, 2012, 09:57:24 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:36:27 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 08:35:01 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:33:58 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

:D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.
When I was in high school there were two hot popular girls. They think they were smart because they had their own language.  The they did was spell out the words using the first letter and adding ob.  I figured it out in under a minute and freaked them out by joining the conversation.  Yep that was the highlight of my years in high school  :'(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on May 11, 2012, 04:54:02 AM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:36:27 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 08:35:01 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:33:58 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

:D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.

I think I must have missed this lesson. Whenever I'm annoyed, I literally start my sentences with "I'm annoyed..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on May 11, 2012, 06:04:35 AM
Quote from: Amicale on May 07, 2012, 10:24:30 PM
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME .'
That was cute, it wasn't the kind of ending I was expecting.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 11, 2012, 07:24:05 AM
Quote from: DeterminedJuliet on May 11, 2012, 04:54:02 AM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:36:27 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 08:35:01 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:33:58 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

:D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.

I think I must have missed this lesson. Whenever I'm annoyed, I literally start my sentences with "I'm annoyed..."
Your husband is a very, very, very lucky man  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 11, 2012, 09:51:00 AM
Just wait till you've been married 40 years.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 11, 2012, 02:22:53 PM
I haven't read all the way through, so I apologize if this is a repeat.  But my favorite Arkansas/Lawyer joke:

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer.

One is a scum sucking bottom feeder.  The other is a fish.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: kitty on May 11, 2012, 04:12:53 PM
i'm sorry but i only really like baaad jokes.

what kind of bees make milk?

boobies!

sorry again
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on May 11, 2012, 04:47:40 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:36:27 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 08:35:01 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:33:58 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

:D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.

I liked "Go ahead" as a dare.   ;D  The full and nuanced definition of "fine" is "You are entirely too stupid to be reasnoned with, and I'm going stalk upstairs to take a bath rather than bothering with you for even one more minute."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 11, 2012, 04:49:48 PM
Quote from: Ali on May 11, 2012, 04:47:40 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:36:27 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 08:35:01 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:33:58 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

:D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.

I liked "Go ahead" as a dare.   ;D  The full and nuanced definition of "fine" is "You are entirely too stupid to be reasnoned with, and I'm going stalk upstairs to take a bath rather than bothering with you for even one more minute."

For some reason I am suddenly glad I am single.... ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 11, 2012, 05:29:57 PM
Quote from: kitty on May 11, 2012, 04:12:53 PM
i'm sorry but i only really like baaad jokes.

what kind of bees make milk?

boobies!

sorry again
15 posts and already she's mentioning boobies, you can almost smell the n00bie through the screen  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: kitty on May 11, 2012, 08:47:43 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 11, 2012, 05:29:57 PM
Quote from: kitty on May 11, 2012, 04:12:53 PM
i'm sorry but i only really like baaad jokes.

what kind of bees make milk?

boobies!

sorry again
15 posts and already she's mentioning boobies, you can almost smell the n00bie through the screen  :D

haha
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 11, 2012, 08:55:40 PM
Q.  What kind of tree can't you cut down with an axe?

A.   A lava-tory.

And I know plenty worse than that. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 11, 2012, 09:10:38 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 11, 2012, 08:55:40 PM
Q.  What kind of tree can't you cut down with an axe?

A.   A lava-tory.

And I know plenty worse than that. ;)
I know I'll regret this.

Prove it!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on May 11, 2012, 09:20:10 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on May 11, 2012, 04:49:48 PM
Quote from: Ali on May 11, 2012, 04:47:40 PM

I liked "Go ahead" as a dare.   ;D  The full and nuanced definition of "fine" is "You are entirely too stupid to be reasnoned with, and I'm going stalk upstairs to take a bath rather than bothering with you for even one more minute."

For some reason I am suddenly glad I am single.... ;)

Haha, whenever you start thinking you might like some female companionship, I will be happy to fill you in on all of the horrible things I think about my husband on a near daily basis.... ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 11, 2012, 09:51:48 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 11, 2012, 09:10:38 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 11, 2012, 08:55:40 PM
Q.  What kind of tree can't you cut down with an axe?

A.   A lava-tory.

And I know plenty worse than that. ;)
I know I'll regret this.

Prove it!!!

... ok ...

What do you call a man who has inherited his father's world-wide chicken broth empire?

.

.

.

.

.

A Bouillonaire!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 11, 2012, 09:59:57 PM
What do you call a hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on May 12, 2012, 03:12:49 PM
Three Indian squaws were getting ready for bed by preparing the hides they were going to sleep on. The first squaw laid out a deer hide, the second squaw laid out a bear hide and the third squaw laid out a hippopotamus hide. Each squaw awoke the next morning and knew that they had miraculously concieved a son, despite the absence of any male companionship.

Nine months later each squaw gave birth. When they compared their children, the squaws who slept on the deer and bear hides noted that the third boy was the biggest of the three.
This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is greater than the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 12, 2012, 05:24:07 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on May 12, 2012, 03:12:49 PM
Three Indian squaws were getting ready for bed by preparing the hides they were going to sleep on. The first squaw laid out a deer hide, the second squaw laid out a bear hide and the third squaw laid out a hippopotamus hide. Each squaw awoke the next morning and knew that they had miraculously concieved a son, despite the absence of any male companionship.

Nine months later each squaw gave birth. When they compared their children, the squaws who slept on the deer and bear hides noted that the third boy was the biggest of the three.
This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is greater than the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.



...moving on quickly, the two shortest jokes in the world:

A seal walks into a club...

A dyslexic walks into a bra...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 12, 2012, 06:23:16 PM

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: kitty on May 13, 2012, 12:07:29 PM
how many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?


2....

no, 4.....

no, 16.....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 13, 2012, 03:07:17 PM
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

But don't ask me how they got in there...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 13, 2012, 09:16:41 PM
How many swedes does it take to change a lightbulb?

5. One to hold the bulb, and four to turn the step ladder.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 14, 2012, 10:37:52 AM
Here is yet another really ancient example:

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.  But the bulb has really got to want to change.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 14, 2012, 11:05:54 AM
Groan.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 14, 2012, 09:34:03 PM
Seems this one should already be here, but I can't find it:

There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 14, 2012, 09:38:47 PM
Indeed. Asmo the Programmer approves.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 14, 2012, 10:08:43 PM
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it is a hardware problem.
One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 14, 2012, 10:09:45 PM
Pfft! How inefficient! Only takes one Asmo to explain why project be late.  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 14, 2012, 10:56:18 PM
Quote from: technolud on May 14, 2012, 09:34:03 PM
There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

... there are two types of people in the world - those that divide the world into two types, and...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 14, 2012, 11:00:15 PM
Quote from: joeactor on May 14, 2012, 10:56:18 PM
Quote from: technolud on May 14, 2012, 09:34:03 PM
There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

... there are two types of people in the world - those that divide the world into two types, and...

;) There really are only two types of people, though. Those who are alive, and those who aren't.

I spend a good portion of my time researching the ones who aren't. I wonder what that says about me...  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 15, 2012, 12:37:28 AM
QuoteThere really are only two types of people, though. Those who are alive, and those who aren't.

I spend a good portion of my time researching the ones who aren't. I wonder what that says about me...

Uh...... your alive?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 15, 2012, 01:13:36 AM
Quote from: technolud on May 15, 2012, 12:37:28 AM
QuoteThere really are only two types of people, though. Those who are alive, and those who aren't.

I spend a good portion of my time researching the ones who aren't. I wonder what that says about me...

Uh...... your alive?

I meant, some people prefer interacting primarily with the living. I do too, but I LOVE history and one of my favourite pastimes is to get lost in the library archives for hours on end, reading about people who most people have completely, entirely forgotten. Maybe it's my way of trying to not let them fade into history, I dunno.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 15, 2012, 01:35:08 AM
Noted.  Remind me not to argue about some obscure 16th century minor lord with you.  Sure to lose.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 15, 2012, 03:16:06 AM
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? 
Because there were so many knights. 

How was the Roman Empire cut in half? 
With a pair of Caesars.

;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 15, 2012, 04:13:05 AM
What is white and comes from 2 sides?
Stereo yoghurt
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 15, 2012, 08:41:11 PM
I must give credit where credit is due.  Atheists tell some of the worst jokes I've ever heard.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 15, 2012, 08:46:04 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 14, 2012, 11:00:15 PM
I spend a good portion of my time researching the ones who aren't.

As it turns out, currently, so am I.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 15, 2012, 08:52:34 PM
Quote from: technolud on May 15, 2012, 08:41:11 PM
I must give credit where credit is due.  Atheists tell some of the worst jokes I've ever heard.
I accept your accolade with pride  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 15, 2012, 11:11:47 PM
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 16, 2012, 03:13:05 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on May 15, 2012, 11:11:47 PM
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

LOL!  :D I like that one, I hadn't seen it before.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on May 16, 2012, 03:23:22 AM
I was going to make a dirty joke, butt fuck it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 16, 2012, 05:58:54 AM
How do you make a German chocolate cake?
First, you occupy the kitchen.

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 16, 2012, 02:39:54 PM
... went to a German/Chinese fusion restaurant last night - an hour later I was hungry for power...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 16, 2012, 06:22:10 PM
Quote from: joeactor on May 16, 2012, 02:39:54 PM
... went to a German/Chinese fusion restaurant last night - an hour later I was hungry for power...
Looks like that you found the same website as I did  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 17, 2012, 09:34:20 PM

Why do women love Jesus?

Because He's hung like THIS:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dreamstime.com%2Fattractive-young-woman-with-arms-wide-open-thumb5199034.jpg&hash=7a193c189924749343655c88486f33b5142b820e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hector Valdez on May 18, 2012, 04:41:11 AM
Yo mama so fat, the doctor said, "We can rebuild her.
SHIT!! We need a construction permit!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 20, 2012, 01:10:38 AM
A polish joke from the cold war era: (from Poland)

A  polish fellow is riding his bike home after work and comes to a check point manned by two Russian soldiers.   They ask him for his papers and after inspecting him the first soldier shoots the bicycle rider in the head, killing him.  The second soldier asked why he did that.  The first soldier replied, he lives in Warsaw, thats at least a 50 minute bike ride and curfew begins in 20 minutes.



Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: philosoraptor on May 20, 2012, 03:07:13 AM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on May 16, 2012, 03:23:22 AM
I was going to make a dirty joke, butt fuck it.

I see what you did there! ;-)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ibm on May 20, 2012, 03:48:18 AM
This one is from the 1960s, a French joke, at a time when the French and the English teens of a village would not speak to each other:

Q: Why are there the letters "ON" printed on every electrical switches in a house.
A: Because only English people do not know when a light is turned on.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 20, 2012, 10:24:45 AM
Did you hear about the new French battle-tank?  One forward gear and five reverse.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 20, 2012, 01:04:38 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 20, 2012, 10:24:45 AM
Did you hear about the new French battle-tank?  One forward gear and five reverse.
Makes sense, seeing how tanks are a bit like Porsches - one end is a tracer copy of the other.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 20, 2012, 04:49:22 PM

Quote from: OldGit on May 20, 2012, 10:24:45 AM
Did you hear about the new French battle-tank?  One forward gear and five reverse.

:D

Reminds me of the plan in 1943 to revise the Italian flag to a white cross on a white background...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 20, 2012, 05:42:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgardinnia.com%2Fimages%2FCrossOutline.jpg&hash=f62aaad6e287dfc54a37336b8d04a7def0c38d6b)

Like this..? Or just by using different shades of white?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 20, 2012, 05:51:23 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on May 20, 2012, 05:42:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgardinnia.com%2Fimages%2FCrossOutline.jpg&hash=f62aaad6e287dfc54a37336b8d04a7def0c38d6b)

Like this..? Or just by using different shades of white?

Remove the lines and... perfect!

Most hankies would do... preferably waved from the muzzle of an M91 assault rifle.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 20, 2012, 06:48:59 PM
You can not see the cross then  ???

Would have to at least use different material, like silk for the cross and cotton for the rest, perhaps? Or one could surface the cross differently than the rest, I suppose...  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 20, 2012, 07:33:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-B68htV-pAKI%2FTsMyRH1EcuI%2FAAAAAAAAAEU%2Fg5wiuzbEnvM%2Fs1600%2Fdouble-facepalm.jpg&hash=adbe676451dd37aa53d28cd356dc37cd207c0575)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: waitin4godot on May 24, 2012, 09:45:20 AM
Quote from: OldGit on November 17, 2011, 04:56:22 PM
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the U.N. The only question was:-  "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"  The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe thay didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe thay didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution " meant.
In South America thay didn't know what "please" meant.
And finally, in the U.S. they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

hahahahaha
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 24, 2012, 10:17:37 AM
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 24, 2012, 11:15:29 AM
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 24, 2012, 02:45:12 PM
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 24, 2012, 03:02:02 PM
Quote from: Amicale on May 24, 2012, 02:45:12 PM
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
Fortunately my wife and daughters never suffered from PMS. However there was a lady where I worked once who's dates were marked on her own calendar by her and woe betide you if you asked the wrong thing on the wrong day! 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 25, 2012, 12:49:15 AM
Posted from Arkansas:

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Nancy Pelosi."


The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, Sir."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 25, 2012, 07:23:38 AM
Please understand this joke was tongue in cheek.  I still think its funny though. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 25, 2012, 09:35:07 AM
I don't think you need to apologise for that one.  It's good, and - in various forms - has been around for centuries!  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 25, 2012, 09:38:35 AM
Quote from: technolud on May 25, 2012, 07:23:38 AM
Please understand this joke was tongue in cheek.  I still think its funny though. 
The joke area is not 'politically correct'  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 25, 2012, 01:13:55 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 25, 2012, 09:38:35 AM
The joke area is not 'politically correct'  :D
HEYY! Did you just ever-so-subtly call His Grayness a joke?! (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffiles.myopera.com%2Fdebplatt%2Fsmiley%2Ffurious3.gif&hash=6854c12ab24bef955849d50fa71da00a0f238ce5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hector Valdez on May 26, 2012, 09:59:43 PM
A smiley face sticker said to a frowny face sticker, "Is something wrong?"
"Oh, heavens yes," The frowny face said, "He wanted a lollipop."

The frowny face sticker then said to the smiley face sticker, "And just why are you so damn happy?"
"Well, you see," the smiley face said, "She brushes her teeth."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 28, 2012, 05:39:17 PM
Mommy, mommy... may I play with granddaddy?
No Johnny, you already dug him up twice today.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 29, 2012, 11:35:32 AM
Mummy, Mummy, why am I walking round in circles?

Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on May 31, 2012, 09:32:11 PM
Mummy mummy, what's a nymphomaniac?

Shut up and help we get your granny off the doorknob!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 01, 2012, 06:47:34 PM
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 01, 2012, 06:52:52 PM
Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?

No, dear - pull the flush like anybody else.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: BonaireBound on June 02, 2012, 03:02:04 AM
Q: What's black and white and red all over and wont go through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her chest
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: BonaireBound on June 02, 2012, 03:06:46 AM
Old man and old woman in nursing home. The old man says to the old woman "Guess how old I am". The old woman unzips the old man's fly, fondles his junk for a bit, then zips him up and announces "You're 97." The old man says "That's right!  How did you know?!?" She says "You told me yesterday!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 02, 2012, 09:29:15 AM
Mummy, mummy, I hate my sister's guts!

Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 15, 2012, 08:02:03 PM
The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal,
reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about
it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex
with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him
back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you
sick bastard."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 16, 2012, 02:31:16 PM
A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on June 17, 2012, 12:05:27 AM
What's red and white and screams?
A peeled baby in a bucket of salt.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on June 17, 2012, 05:31:31 AM
At least Ali ought to like this one, for the pun.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/575926_286429604788396_713467599_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 17, 2012, 10:07:48 AM
What's the difference between a cartload of babies and a cartload of sand?

You can't unload sand with a pitchfork.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 17, 2012, 10:21:59 AM
Quote from: OldGit on June 17, 2012, 10:07:48 AM
You can't unload sand with a pitchfork.
Well, as it happens... *Down the memory lane, The Asmo goes*  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 19, 2012, 09:57:36 AM
Quote from: Amicale on June 17, 2012, 05:31:31 AM
At least Ali ought to like this one, for the pun.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/575926_286429604788396_713467599_n.jpg)

What's the difference between a barrow boy and a short-legged Dachshund?

One bawls out his wares on the pavement ...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on June 19, 2012, 04:13:15 PM
Quote from: OldGit on June 19, 2012, 09:57:36 AM
Quote from: Amicale on June 17, 2012, 05:31:31 AM
At least Ali ought to like this one, for the pun.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/575926_286429604788396_713467599_n.jpg)

What's the difference between a barrow boy and a short-legged Dachshund?

One bawls out his wares on the pavement ...

Bahahahahahahaha

Both of these made me laugh.  Yay for word play.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on June 19, 2012, 05:03:30 PM
Bert and Joan go on a tour of the Middle East for their 50th aniversary.
Joan collapses dead in the desert.
As luck would have it, the tour operators local contact is in the funeral business.
"Well, Sir" says the local, "I can prepare the body for shipping back to the UK for 30,000Shekels or prepare a beautiful funeral here for only 1200Shekels".
Bert considers for a few seconds, "I'll have to go with the shipping option".
"Are you sure, Sir?" says Umar, "why would you not want the local ceremony?"
"Well, some fella was buried here a while back and rose from the dead" explained Bert, "I just can't take the risk"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on June 19, 2012, 05:06:02 PM
^^LOL  That took me a minute.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 19, 2012, 05:19:21 PM
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on June 19, 2012, 07:16:08 PM
Why is it better to have Alzheimer than Parkinson's disease?
It is better to forget to pay for the beer than to knock it over
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on June 19, 2012, 07:58:58 PM
A burglar sneaks through a dark living room, looking for valuables to steal.
Suddenly, he hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you".   
Being scared, the burglar quickly hides himself behind the curtains.
After 5 minutes of silence, he thinks that the coast is clear; leaves his hiding place and carefully walks in the direction of the kitchen.
Again he hears someone saying "Jesus is watching you".
The burglar turns on his flashlight and shines it around carefully.
Then he notices a parrot in a cage, that says "Jesus is watching you".   
"Wow, that is nice", says the burglar, "a talking parrot. Do you have a name?"
The parrot replies "Yes, Moses".
The burglar starts to laugh and says: "What kind of idiots, call their parrot Moses?"
"Well" says the parrot "the same kind of idiots, who call their Rottweiler Jesus."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on June 19, 2012, 08:07:10 PM
^ Ahahaha! The only thing that comes to my mind is my Rott licking the man to death.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 22, 2012, 09:51:40 AM
Going round on the e-mail circuit:

Only in Britain  -   Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 22, 2012, 10:13:22 AM
Quote from: OldGit on June 22, 2012, 09:51:40 AM
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
I see how this could confuse some, but the statement is actually perfectly legitimate.

Some of the walls simply have multiple issues, from half the walls being OK and half being damp, crumbling AND filthy to every single wall having one, two or all of the problems. The walls do not add up to half the neighbour's house, you see.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on June 22, 2012, 04:40:10 PM
Quote from: OldGit on June 22, 2012, 09:51:40 AM
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

We've been doing it wrong all this time?  Oh that is TYPICAL.   >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 24, 2012, 05:40:02 PM
I'm just reading Bill Bryson's The Lost Continent.  Somewhere in the Bible Belt he sees a sign: CHRIST IS THE ANSWER.  He decides the question must be, 'what do you shout when you hit your thumb with a hammer?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 30, 2012, 06:53:50 PM
Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 30, 2012, 07:07:30 PM
^ Brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 03, 2012, 10:22:56 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.profilebrand.com%2Ffunny-pictures%2Fcategory%2Fdemotivational%2F136_find-x.gif&hash=2e1350879bd8a7979659c8e15d60c60e16fbd0e9)

Not exactly a joke per se but funny nonetheless. The stuff of good jokes  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 04, 2012, 08:38:42 PM
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 05, 2012, 09:51:34 PM
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 05, 2012, 09:55:30 PM
LOL!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: faalsekafaasla on August 11, 2012, 08:03:35 PM
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.



Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.



One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'



When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..



A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.



The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'



The nun fainted. ____________________________________________________________
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 15, 2012, 02:47:22 PM
A chap is sitting in a restaurant wishing that he could kind an opening to start chatting to the beautiful woman, who has just come in, when she gives a huge sneeze and what is obviously her glass eye pops out. He plucks it out of the air and hands it back to her.

"Thank you," she says, "let me reward your fielding skills by paying for your dinner." So they get to chatting and she then suggests that they see if they can get tickets for a show, "My treat as well," which they are lucky enough to do.

After the show she says, "Why not come back to my place for coffee and, if you fancy it, breakfast . . ."

Over breakfast the following day the chap asks, "Are you in the habit of treating all men like this on a first date?"

"Oh, no," she replies, "it's just that you caught my eye at the very beginning."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 15, 2012, 02:57:09 PM
Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its testicles.
The first man says: "Blimey, I wish I could do that."
The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He might bite."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 15, 2012, 04:39:44 PM
Be warned: This one is pretty bad.....

Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.

The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 07:28:03 PM
A Dutch man sees a man on his knees using his hand to drink water from one of Amsterdam's canal.
He walks up to him and says in Dutch "Hey – you can't drink that water, it's dirty and will make you sick".
The tourist shouts back in German: "Was sagen Sie?" (What are you saying?)
The Dutch man responds in German: "Sie sollen mit zwei Hände trinken, das geht besser!" (Use both hands, it's much better!")
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 07:42:29 PM
A Belgian truck arrives at a tunnel. There's a sign: "Max. height: 3m". Unfortunately the Belgian truck is 3m15cm high. So, one of the Belgian drivers gets out. Steps on the roof. Looks around. Gets back in and says to his mate: "No cops in sight Sjefke, keep going!" .

Of course the truck gets stuck. A Dutch man in a small car passes by. Sees the truck, and tells the driver: you should let the air out of your tires so you can move the truck again. The Belgian driver starts laughing and says to his mate: Ha ha! Those stupid Dutch people, doesn't he realize we're stuck at the TOP, not the BOTTOM!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 07:50:42 PM
...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 08:07:19 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 07:50:42 PM
...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Who said that it was a Dutch tunnel?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 08:08:29 PM
I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in.
I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?"
"Yes honey."
"What is it?"
"It's the date of our anniversary."
Bitch.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 08:36:21 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 08:07:19 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 07:50:42 PM
...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Who said that it was a Dutch tunnel?
What was the Dutch driver doing giving advice to a random truck in someone else's tunnel?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 15, 2012, 08:49:24 PM
A blonde walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the rather deaf clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 09:03:11 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 08:36:21 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 08:07:19 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 07:50:42 PM
...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Who said that it was a Dutch tunnel?
What was the Dutch driver doing giving advice to a random truck in someone else's tunnel?  ???
???  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 15, 2012, 09:11:09 PM
Oh, for the FSM's sake - are you two going to argue all night over this goddamn tunnel?  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 09:27:36 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 09:03:11 PM
???  ???
If he was abroad, as in other than Dutch tunnel, he'd have to be familiar with the proper procedure for getting a stuck lorry out before being all helpful. Here, for instance, the police or road authorities would appreciate being called in to assess the damage before any tyre-pumping action was initiated, unless done to avoid getting stuck in the first place before entering a tiny hole with a large object.

Quote from: OldGit on August 15, 2012, 09:11:09 PM
Oh, for the FSM's sake - are you two going to argue all night over this goddamn tunnel?  ;)
YES.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 15, 2012, 10:39:52 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 09:27:36 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 09:03:11 PM
???  ???
If he was abroad, as in other than Dutch tunnel, he'd have to be familiar with the proper procedure for getting a stuck lorry out before being all helpful. Here, for instance, the police or road authorities would appreciate being called in to assess the damage before any tyre-pumping action was initiated, unless done to avoid getting stuck in the first place before entering a tiny hold with a large object.

I saw that happen here in southern Brazil (it was a laugh) except it was an overhead bridge and not a tunnel. True Failblog material.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on August 15, 2012, 10:49:05 PM
How do you make a baby cry?
Throw a brick at it!

How do you make a baby stop crying?
Throw another brick at it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 16, 2012, 05:26:06 AM
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 16, 2012, 06:57:39 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on August 16, 2012, 05:26:06 AM
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

In many parts of the world, people survive on one to two dollars a day. 800 a year would give her about 2,20 a day. Upper poor class, in other words, but sounds quite doable.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 16, 2012, 04:47:11 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on August 16, 2012, 06:57:39 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on August 16, 2012, 05:26:06 AM
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

In many parts of the world, people survive on one to two dollars a day. 800 a year would give her about 2,20 a day. Upper poor class, in other words, but sounds quite doable.
The difference between east Africa and Nevada.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 23, 2012, 09:23:51 PM
Prince Harry's father has refused to comment on his sons antics. But Prince Charles is said to be furious.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 23, 2012, 09:44:05 PM
Quote from: Scissorlegs on August 23, 2012, 09:23:51 PM
Prince Harry's father has refused to comment on his sons antics. But Prince Charles is said to be furious.
ROFL!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 24, 2012, 10:10:51 AM
^^ Good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 29, 2012, 03:42:43 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot said, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" he laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: history_geek on August 29, 2012, 04:55:53 PM
Quote from: OldGit on August 29, 2012, 03:42:43 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot said, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" he laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffpvlab.com%2Fforums%2Fattachment.php%3Fattachmentid%3D8217%26amp%3Bd%3D1332571118&hash=02b75e9228163fae21db273d9985b43eae13b87f)

Man its been ages since I heard that... gets me every time.  ;D

Well, these aren't exactly jokes. I trust that atlest some of you know what IRC is, so you know its a chat. It was developed in the late 80's and "nerds" still use it (and half the population of Finland apparently). There are two sites where people send quotes from these discussion; the Finnish IRCquotes and the more international bash.org. Here's some examples from the later:



<@gloriaea> this is how wars start
<@gloriaea> someone puts up a swedish pop poster and a german blames it on a finn
_________________

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY  HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I  DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

_____________

<Khassaki> HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> try pressing the the Caps Lock key
<Khassaki> O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> fuck me

So, yeah. If you ever have a bad case of optimism for our species, you know the address that will set you straight. Have fun.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 30, 2012, 07:27:35 PM
The Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

Taken from one of those circular e-mails.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 30, 2012, 07:56:21 PM
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 30, 2012, 08:43:51 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on August 30, 2012, 07:56:21 PM
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

How funny, I was playing this through in my head only yesterday. I'd heard it on some spiritual / self-help tape about 25 years ago. Where'd you hear that?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 30, 2012, 09:06:38 PM
Quote from: Scissorlegs on August 30, 2012, 08:43:51 PM
How funny, I was playing this through in my head only yesterday. I'd heard it on some spiritual / self-help tape about 25 years ago. Where'd you hear that?
I heard it from my wife, who heard it on a business seminar some years ago.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 31, 2012, 06:24:20 AM
A man had bought himself a new sports car and was out on the highway to test it a little. When he had gotten it up to 160 he spotted blue lights in the rearview mirror.
He slowed down and pulled over to the side and the policeman came up and asked for his license and said. "It's been a long day, I'm tired, it's Saturday night and I will soon get off patrol. I  have no desire to sit with more paperwork. If you can give me a good excuse that I have not heard before why you were speeding, you will avoid fines and a revoked driver's license!"
The man thought for a moment and then replied. "My bitch of a wife ran off with a policeman last week and now I was afraid it was you who wanted to give her back!"
The policeman looked at him and said :"Have a nice weekend".

(Translated with Google Translator)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on August 31, 2012, 02:19:31 PM
A young woman who loved to speed hit the lottery, so she bought the fastest car she could and took it out on the highway to test it out.
She was going about 75 mph in a 60 mph zone and zipped by a motorcycle cop who gave chase.
Seeing the officer in her rear-view mirror, she decided to have a bit of fun.
Just as he was about to catch her, she hit the gas and sped up to 85 mph.
The cop sped up and as he was closing in on her again, she waved and sped off at 100 mph.
The motorcycle cop was obviously having problems catching her, so when he finally got close again, she decided to stop fooling around.
She floored it, and sped away at 180 mph!
After a bit, she slowed down and pulled over to wait... but didn't see the cop.
She turned around to look for him and found him on the side of the road, his bike wrecked in a ditch.
"What happened?", she asked.
"Well, I almost had you that last time...", the cop replied, "but you took off so fast I though my bike had stopped - so I got off to check what was wrong!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 05, 2012, 03:33:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft0.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcTHZ467gwleY0CZc-CefWw-JEwAecwUXnfA5e7GUgz93k1RoqknSg%26amp%3Bt%3D1&hash=d045facdc93ac768e32577fd53597fe424a79960)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 07, 2012, 06:39:44 AM
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 07, 2012, 09:10:44 AM
SAFE SEX WARNING:

Condoms don't guarantee safety - my friend was wearing one and he was shot by the woman's husband.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 07, 2012, 11:07:24 AM
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on September 08, 2012, 07:11:51 AM
Hypnotist at the Senior Center


It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on September 08, 2012, 07:24:00 PM
Quote from: OldGit on September 07, 2012, 09:10:44 AM
SAFE SEX WARNING:

Condoms don't guarantee safety - my friend was wearing one and he was shot by the woman's husband.

HAHAHA!!

That reminds me of Austin Powers I think when they were like "Do you use protection?" and he's like "Of course, I always carry one with me" and pulls out a small hand gun.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 11, 2012, 05:03:58 PM
Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 11, 2012, 05:16:57 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 11, 2012, 05:03:58 PM
Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.
???
... ...
...
..!

YEEESS!  :D The Asmo is SO looking for a sitter!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on September 12, 2012, 12:37:50 AM
Quote from: Tank on September 11, 2012, 05:03:58 PM
Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.

This is so cruel, I love it!! ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on September 12, 2012, 12:38:44 AM
Quote from: Tank on September 11, 2012, 05:03:58 PM
Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.

Golly gosh I am doing that!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 12, 2012, 12:36:42 PM
A 16-year-old blond girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... MacGyver!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 12, 2012, 08:52:12 PM
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on September 14, 2012, 11:49:20 PM

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/s480x480/223130_10151024096797213_156872793_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on September 15, 2012, 06:46:58 AM
Quote from: joeactor on September 12, 2012, 08:52:12 PM
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

HAHA  :D
I like this one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Truthseeker on September 19, 2012, 06:52:58 PM
I thought this was as good a place as any to post this.  Certainly many have already seen this, but my god this is funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMeXGE_a8Gg
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on September 19, 2012, 07:38:42 PM
Quote from: Truthseeker on September 19, 2012, 06:52:58 PM
I thought this was as good a place as any to post this.  Certainly many have already seen this, but my god this is funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMeXGE_a8Gg

:D lol, nope, never seen it before. Thanks for sharing!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on September 21, 2012, 02:06:31 PM
-Women's rights.

-Why do black people lean towards the inside of their car when they're driving? They think the smell is coming from the outside.

-How many white guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. A white guy will screw anything.

-How many Mexicans does it take to take a bath? 50. One to sit in the tub, and 49 to spit on him.

-What do you call a Filipino walking his dog? A vegetarian.

-Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? They give them gas.

I'm on a mission to tell a horrible joke about every group of people I know of.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on September 22, 2012, 05:32:15 AM
An old farmer writes to his son in prison:

Dear son, this year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you would help me.

The son writes back: Dad, don't even think of digging the field, because that's where I buried the money I stole.

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote again....

Now plant your potatoes dad.. It's the best I can do from here!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 22, 2012, 05:45:29 AM
I hope you haven't heard this one yet.  :D

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on September 22, 2012, 06:11:20 AM
Quote from: Amicale on September 22, 2012, 05:32:15 AM
An old farmer writes to his son in prison:

Dear son, this year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you would help me.

The son writes back: Dad, don't even think of digging the field, because that's where I buried the money I stole.

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote again....

Now plant your potatoes dad.. It's the best I can do from here!

Aww, I like this one a lot.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on September 22, 2012, 07:51:41 PM
Quote from: Amicale on September 22, 2012, 05:32:15 AM
An old farmer writes to his son in prison:

Dear son, this year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you would help me.

The son writes back: Dad, don't even think of digging the field, because that's where I buried the money I stole.

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote again....

Now plant your potatoes dad.. It's the best I can do from here!
Love it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 22, 2012, 08:01:49 PM
Olaf was a resistance man during the war and hosted the resistance meetings at his farm. He was also the owner of a rather splendid parrot that he had gotten as a gift from his sailing son before the war. In hisspare time he amused himself by teaching it to talk, which would prove to be a mistake.

One day, while Olaf was out,  a patrol of german soldiers were marching past the house. As the parrot saw them it started saying "Down with Hitler! Down with Hitler!".
The sergeant, furious with this insult to the Fuhrer, made notes of the event and the address. The serving girl at the farm saw what happened and ran to find Olaf and warn him of what had happened. Olaf was suitably terrified of the possibility that he would be arrested, until he remembered that the pastor also owned a parrot. So he ran to the pastor's home and begged him to switch parrot with him until this all blew over. The pastor agreed and the switch was made.

The day after a car pulled up and two severe looking fellows in long dark coats got out. knocking on the door the two men identified themselves as GESTAPO and demanded to see the parrot. Olaf dutifully invited them into his home and brought them into the living room where the parrot (which he had borrowed from the pastor) was sitting on it's peg.
One of them walked up to it and said in a calm, quiet voice "Down with Hitler!" The parrot just sat there looking at him.
"Down with Hitler!" He said again, a little more forcefully. Still the parrot said nothing.
"Down with Hitler!", the agent shouted at the parrot, getting more and more flustered with each attempt to make the parrot speak. By the end both he and his partner are shouting at the parrot, pleading with the parrot, anything to get it to say "down with Hilter".
Finally one of them, sweaty, out of breath and on the verge of giving up tries one last time. He looks at the parrot and with the last of his voice whispers "Down with Hitler...".
The parrot looks at him, folds its' wings in front of it's chest and said: "The Lord hear thy prayer. Amen!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Nameless on September 22, 2012, 08:12:39 PM
http://genericindigo.com/forum/topic1667.html
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on September 22, 2012, 10:11:00 PM
I'm listening to Nephew's Igen Og Igen and my mom's boyfriend walks in my room with a confused look on his face asking why they were singing about and orca man.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 01, 2012, 12:19:50 AM
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 02, 2012, 08:40:30 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F46308_394947697242831_496231760_n.jpg&hash=28ec2857cbf56ac91ea80152e12f6c4a964d5f92)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 02, 2012, 04:55:17 PM
LOL, Tank!  :D Love it.

Now you've got me hungry. And singing. Well done. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 02, 2012, 08:14:57 PM
... one of my faves from Rowan Atkinson:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTzXJMU1sLc
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 02, 2012, 08:26:19 PM
Quote from: joeactor on October 02, 2012, 08:14:57 PM
... one of my faves from Rowan Atkinson:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTzXJMU1sLc


Excellent one. I love that man, haha. So good. Love the one he does on going out on a date with a girl and not appearing too eager. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 02, 2012, 08:38:25 PM
Quote from: Amicale on October 02, 2012, 08:26:19 PM
Quote from: joeactor on October 02, 2012, 08:14:57 PM
... one of my faves from Rowan Atkinson:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTzXJMU1sLc

Excellent one. I love that man, haha. So good. Love the one he does on going out on a date with a girl and not appearing too eager. ;D

... this one has a different ending than I remember (I think he has a less pc version called the Amazing Jesus and Trixie)
He got me in "Blackadder", and I enjoyed some of Mr. Bean (but not the movies).  Very smart and funny guy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 02, 2012, 08:40:36 PM
I thought Johnny English was hilarious, Rowan Atkinson can really pull off being serious and funny at the same time. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 03, 2012, 08:52:07 PM
Rowan Atkinson plays the devil:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woY9Vzp40HQ&feature=fvwrel
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 03, 2012, 09:44:54 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on October 03, 2012, 08:52:07 PM
Rowan Atkinson plays the devil:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woY9Vzp40HQ&feature=fvwrel

didn't know the devil's first name was Toby!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 03, 2012, 11:41:23 PM
Quote from: joeactor on October 03, 2012, 09:44:54 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on October 03, 2012, 08:52:07 PM
Rowan Atkinson plays the devil:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woY9Vzp40HQ&feature=fvwrel

didn't know the devil's first name was Toby!

I always crack up at the "will you stop screaming?!?" and the "damnation without relief" lines. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 04, 2012, 03:58:09 PM
Hymie's friend Moshie goes to the doctor, who tells him: "You're going to die."

Moshie says: "I'd like a second opinion."

The doctor says: "You're also very ugly."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 04, 2012, 04:37:49 PM
Quote from: OldGit on October 04, 2012, 03:58:09 PM
Hymie's friend Moshie goes to the doctor, who tells him: "You're going to die."

Moshie says: "I'd like a second opinion."

The doctor says: "You're also very ugly."

:D Good one. Reminds of me one that went something like -

Winston Churchill and Bessie Bradshaw were at a party together,
Bradshaw bellowed "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"
To which he replied without missing a beat, "And you, Madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Nameless on October 05, 2012, 07:26:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.normalbobsmith.com%2Fsatanssalvation%2Fpfss_comic44.jpg&hash=2f04d94e58ae500d31510b9a91db9f6b65d217de)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 05, 2012, 08:44:12 PM
Quote from: Nameless on October 05, 2012, 07:26:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.normalbobsmith.com%2Fsatanssalvation%2Fpfss_comic44.jpg&hash=2f04d94e58ae500d31510b9a91db9f6b65d217de)
Uh... What? Who's Chester and why does he burn hellfire? And how can one burn a fire? Would that not be like... Oh, I don't know, watering a lake to make it wet?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Nameless on October 05, 2012, 09:02:50 PM
ask the creator of the comic
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 05, 2012, 09:09:25 PM
I don't get how this is even a joke... It doesn't have anything that can pass for a punchline, now does it?  ???

Eh well... Shall never figure out humans and their sense of hammer... Hurmur... Whatever it is they call that.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 05, 2012, 09:19:41 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 05, 2012, 09:09:25 PM
I don't get how this is even a joke... It doesn't have anything that can pass for a punchline, now does it?  ???

Eh well... Shall never figure out humans and their sense of hammer... Hurmur... Whatever it is they call that.  >:(

Jesus is complaining that he went through agony on a cross for one day. The devil is pointing out that Chester there has just celebrated a million years being tortured in hell. I guess the punch line is that despite Christians often talking about Jesus' agony, their doctrine still features a place where people will be tormented forever.

It fell a little flat with me, too. But I do like Chester's party hat.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Nameless on October 05, 2012, 09:25:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgenericindigo.com%2Fforum%2Fdownload%2Ffile.php%3Fid%3D102&hash=eb196590d2913433f07adf6ae90902b9e2dbb4dd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 06, 2012, 07:25:21 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F576509_326124480819653_767087084_n.jpg&hash=c4b26f94fab0b4e45b5588f8255726acc2b43e11)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 06, 2012, 09:51:38 AM
Quote from: The AsmoUh... What? Who's Chester and why does he burn hellfire? And how can one burn a fire? Would that not be like... Oh, I don't know, watering a lake to make it wet?  ???

Burning here is an adjective describing a quality of Hell Fire.  But it's not immediately clear and I'm afraid the whole thing is not that funny anyway.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 06, 2012, 11:21:32 AM
Quote from: OldGit on October 06, 2012, 09:51:38 AM
Burning here is an adjective describing a quality of Hell Fire.
It's a fire. Using burning as adjective to describe it seems sort of... Pointless.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 06, 2012, 04:30:11 PM
^ True.  I didn't claim it was good, I just parsed it.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on October 06, 2012, 05:00:10 PM
Whats in the water.....ROTFLMAO!!!!!

http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw (http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 06, 2012, 05:52:16 PM
Quote from: OhhDucky on October 06, 2012, 05:00:10 PM
Whats in the water.....ROTFLMAO!!!!!

http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw (http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_ma5vdqthnb1qdyg71o1_1280.jpg&hash=5de844af21a8247621ba0d6f7476ae82452c4508)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 06, 2012, 06:46:20 PM
Quote from: OhhDucky on October 06, 2012, 05:00:10 PM
Whats in the water.....ROTFLMAO!!!!!

http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw (http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw)
The answer is photons, no?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 07, 2012, 05:58:22 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/523935_235584303233958_502221899_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 09, 2012, 11:02:51 AM
An 8-year-old choir boy caught the local priest masturbating.
He asked. "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating, my son" the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why's that father ?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me." The priest replied.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 09, 2012, 03:02:27 PM
Quote from: OldGit on October 09, 2012, 11:02:51 AM
An 8-year-old choir boy caught the local priest masturbating.
He asked. "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating, my son" the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why's that father ?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me." The priest replied.
Yes. You see, THIS is good joke.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 09, 2012, 03:35:57 PM
Rat #1: Knock, knock.
Rat #2: Who's there?
Rat #1: Euripides.
Rat #2: Euripides, who?
Rat #1: Euripides trousers, you mend-a these trousers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on October 09, 2012, 04:31:23 PM
Quote from: Amicale on October 07, 2012, 05:58:22 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/523935_235584303233958_502221899_n.jpg)

Bahahahahahahahhahaha.  This made me snort decaf out my nose.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 09, 2012, 11:55:26 PM
Quote from: Ali on October 09, 2012, 04:31:23 PM
Quote from: Amicale on October 07, 2012, 05:58:22 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/523935_235584303233958_502221899_n.jpg)

Bahahahahahahahhahaha.  This made me snort decaf out my nose.

;D  Yay, you saw it! I thought of you when I posted that, I thought 'Ali will appreciate the pun!'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on October 10, 2012, 04:13:43 PM
A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it. "Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."
Her husband's best friend says, "Who was it?"
"That was my husband," she replied.
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"
__________________
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on October 10, 2012, 04:18:16 PM
A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on October 10, 2012, 04:33:17 PM
Two men were out walking their dogs, when they decided to stop in at a local bar to get a drink.  They knew that the bar wouldn't let them bring their dogs in, so they came up with a plan of telling the bartender that they were blind, and these were their seeing eye dogs.  The first man walked in with his dog, a big strapping German Shepherd.  The bar tender stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here."  The man says "No, see, I'm blind, and he's my seeing eye dog."  The bartender lets him in with the dog.  The second guy waits a few minutes, and then he comes in with his dog, a little chihuahua.  The bartender stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here."  The man says "No, see, I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."  The bartender says "Your seeing eye dog is a chihauhau????"  The man says "What?!?  They gave me a chihuahua?!?" 

:D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on October 10, 2012, 05:19:07 PM
Great duck joke....

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 10, 2012, 05:30:10 PM
A poor, hungry, cold alley cat dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter welcomes him and says "because you've had such a rough life, we want to make it right for you now. Just tell me what you'd like, and it's yours." The cat exclaims "oh, wow. How kind. Well, I've spent my life sleeping in cold alleys. What I want more than anything is a lovely warm pillow to bask in the sun on. If I got that, I'd be so happy." St Peter readily agrees, the cat is provided with the softest pillow in existence, and he happily snuggles in.

Next a group of mice find their way up to heaven. They're nervous, timid creatures, glancing about frantically left and right. St Peter welcomes them, and says "you've had a rough life, always having to scurry away from predators, trying to find crumbs to eat. We'll make it right. What would you like now that you're in heaven? The mice exclaim "Oh, wow. How kind. Well, getting food on earth was difficult so we'd love to have cheese and crackers available, and it was so hard outrunning those predators that if we can each have a pair of super-fast roller skates, we'd never have to worry again!" St Peter is amused, and agrees that the mice ought to have the food and the roller skates. They're provided with their needs, and happily skate away.

A week goes by. St Peter decides it's time to check in on the new creatures. He finds the cat, and asks "how are you enjoying your lovely warm pillow?"

"It's purrrrrfect", the cat says. "And if I may say so, I've also REALLY appreciated the meals on wheels you've sent my way!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on October 11, 2012, 04:23:45 PM
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was,
said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female, as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The frog then turned to the rabbit and asked him to state his third wish.

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
__________________
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 12, 2012, 08:39:49 AM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 16, 2012, 03:59:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F269963_328957540535260_2104866396_n.jpg&hash=fd82702de4c33b002f370e385f75f1bc9c37edd6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 16, 2012, 04:09:00 PM
Quote from: Tank on October 16, 2012, 03:59:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F269963_328957540535260_2104866396_n.jpg&hash=fd82702de4c33b002f370e385f75f1bc9c37edd6)

:D Fully agree.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F_9xzkJBn9FFk%2FS-oZuOdwBiI%2FAAAAAAAAARA%2FGNNze9KRrxI%2Fs1600%2Ffunny-pictures-cat-will-nap-here.jpg&hash=59746dac5a494c367a5754b5cdbbfb70a9905c10)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 16, 2012, 06:01:00 PM
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 16, 2012, 09:36:00 PM

A stranger has to pull his car aside the road because there are sheep
crossing the road. He gets out of his car bored and asks the sheppard: "If
I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I have one of them?". The
Sheppard says yes because he thinks the stranger will never guess exactly
the right number. After a while the stranger says: "165 sheep". Surprised
the sheppard says: "Ok, pick one". The stranger chooses one of the animals
and when he gets into his car again, the sheppard says: "If I can guess
your profession, can I get my animal back then?". "OK," says the
stranger. "You're a theoretical biologist, and now give me my dog back..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 22, 2012, 07:38:54 AM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 22, 2012, 04:26:51 PM
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

***

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.

However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.

So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

***

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

"Yes, and two very good leads!"

***

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.

''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''

''What's that?'' asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

''Government.''
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 22, 2012, 05:12:07 PM
Good ones, Phinx! ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 22, 2012, 06:37:35 PM
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 22, 2012, 09:05:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FLaughing_RoflSmileyLJ.gif&hash=408f9683dd143fb3e0c4dfb36ccf4b0387222924)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 22, 2012, 09:39:21 PM
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, ' I think I am going to have a little whisk broom! '

' IMPOSSIBLE ! ' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt...

' WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER! '
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 23, 2012, 12:20:21 AM
Ouch!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 23, 2012, 07:52:12 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/253130_416964188358838_1451794777_n.jpg)

Text in case the image doesn't work:

At an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled...
"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 23, 2012, 11:44:53 AM
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 25, 2012, 08:19:13 PM
Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their
decision to get married.  They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding and on the way they pass a chemist.
Jacob suggests they go in. He addresses the man behind the
counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for
Parkinson's Disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there
something I can help you with?"
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 26, 2012, 12:44:59 PM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 28, 2012, 08:32:10 PM
A Norwegian was complaining to a Swede about the high price of petrol. The Swede just responded, "I don't care much about that. I always fill up for 100 kronor anyways."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 28, 2012, 10:28:40 PM
Yes. Same here. I always fill up for 500, so I don't give a flying duck about petrol prices - all they do to me is make me fill up the car somewhat more often. Well, whatever.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 09, 2012, 12:33:32 AM
This is (supposedly) an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October of 1995. (The radio conversation was apparently released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.) For what it's worth, I read this cute little exchange in a reader's digest magazine in the late 90s. True or not, it's good. ;D

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 09, 2012, 11:17:37 AM
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says '' If any of you are Pedophiles you can shove off down to Hell".  Nine  of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you''

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on November 09, 2012, 07:32:37 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 09, 2012, 11:17:37 AM
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says '' If any of you are Pedophiles you can shove off down to Hell".  Nine  of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you''


HAHA
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 09, 2012, 09:11:04 PM
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 10, 2012, 11:45:32 AM
^ good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 10, 2012, 03:18:26 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 09, 2012, 12:33:32 AM
This is (supposedly) an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October of 1995. (The radio conversation was apparently released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.) For what it's worth, I read this cute little exchange in a reader's digest magazine in the late 90s. True or not, it's good. ;D

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.

That's funny!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 12, 2012, 01:02:44 AM
A married woman is enjoying a rather lewd dream in bed.
Suddenly she jumps up and shouts "Quick, my husband is coming!"
Her husband starts awake and promptly jumps out the window.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 12, 2012, 12:28:13 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F542878_553290388033752_445107681_n.jpg&hash=8d187e77a1efd0afa767ed7540d318ef2c9a776b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 02:52:54 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 12, 2012, 12:28:13 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F542878_553290388033752_445107681_n.jpg&hash=8d187e77a1efd0afa767ed7540d318ef2c9a776b)

LOL  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 12, 2012, 04:56:19 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F68066_10151233313786730_465306148_n.jpg&hash=1d79e64bef9f730f6baa1b5f4741b2fdc6638c3e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 05:28:53 PM
 :D I've always liked that angry, frozen cat.

Here's one for folks here who have seen snow already or are expecting it soon:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-8pqfj0BCzMo%2FTxggyLkPi9I%2FAAAAAAAACvU%2F1u7mnpOjvZA%2Fs640%2F387587_307807349242036_100000383218232_1026118_1118317974_n.jpg&hash=dcbc74ba5dee700326dc74b47996e1217f5511c1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 05:56:20 PM
For those of us who enjoy puns (I'm sure Ali will see this eventually)


Not Just Another Frog Story

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says, "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's " OK," he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use THIS as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck IS this?!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack... Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 12, 2012, 06:16:59 PM


OMFSM!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 10:09:49 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 12, 2012, 06:16:59 PM


OMFSM!!

Hmm. Good or bad omfsm? ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 12, 2012, 10:30:31 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 10:09:49 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 12, 2012, 06:16:59 PM


OMFSM!!

Hmm. Good or bad omfsm? ;)

It sounded good to me!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 10:36:07 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on November 12, 2012, 10:30:31 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 10:09:49 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 12, 2012, 06:16:59 PM


OMFSM!!

Hmm. Good or bad omfsm? ;)

It sounded good to me!

I have visions of OG standing on a park bench, yelling that acronym as loudly as he can for all the world to hear.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 12, 2012, 10:43:00 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 10:36:07 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on November 12, 2012, 10:30:31 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 10:09:49 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 12, 2012, 06:16:59 PM


OMFSM!!

Hmm. Good or bad omfsm? ;)

It sounded good to me!

I have visions of OG standing on a park bench, yelling that acronym as loudly as he can for all the world to hear.

I thought I heard something strange coming from the Southerly direction earlier on today ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 13, 2012, 10:11:32 AM
You may well have heard it, Claire, but it was uttered in my living room, not on a park bench.  And it was provoked by the enormity of that Paddywhack joke.  :o

I thought there were international treaties banning the peacetime use of jokes like that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 13, 2012, 05:35:58 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 13, 2012, 10:11:32 AM
You may well have heard it, Claire, but it was uttered in my living room, not on a park bench.  And it was provoked by the enormity of that Paddywhack joke.  :o

I thought there were international treaties banning the peacetime use of jokes like that.

There are indeed treaties banning the use of such jokes. The humor police have attempted to arrest me. They gave up when they arrived. I was so silly that none of their officers could get the cuffs on me without bursting out into giggles; some rolled their eyes so badly they needed corrective surgery.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 14, 2012, 09:07:45 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F417010_542005869158891_1005852836_n.jpg&hash=272206bc40721b1a2dce80b5e7e7bed896fade8f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 14, 2012, 03:07:44 PM
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?".
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 15, 2012, 10:18:03 AM
I fall into the typical male category, I seriously suspect my wife is a typical female in this respect!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F532269_461595200573224_570020419_n.jpg&hash=a59e30b975e45c6173b652d0d17000483dd966c3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 15, 2012, 11:21:52 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F536266_406489049421313_1269869043_n.jpg&hash=2401c3cfc0d123b6d84dbfe4ca68adc3de45cffc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on November 15, 2012, 12:32:39 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 15, 2012, 10:18:03 AM
I fall into the typical male category, I seriously suspect my wife is a typical female in this respect!

Bugger I fall into the female category again.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 16, 2012, 07:44:11 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F20317_403928353010471_721001381_n.jpg&hash=dd0d300ddf7b2cfd1b3c822700d72a153ce53fc4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AlisonFox66 on November 16, 2012, 08:23:47 PM
scientists invented a device to turn a dog's thoughts into worrds

a man got one for xmas and put it on his dog

it said

'i am off to take the human for a walk, he needs his space away from your mother and the festivities'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on November 17, 2012, 01:56:10 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Futify.com%2FG%2FPBorPiB.png&hash=264e10a3591db104b9fd85a86a14cf1a9d1725e2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 18, 2012, 08:12:53 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDVU8O.jpg&hash=4fefa06ed84dc370d291f2f727dd6ffee72ee22b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AlisonFox66 on November 19, 2012, 09:33:53 AM
hey noo

everyone knows that at Burns Suppers its the women who wear the trousers

'nothing is worn under the kilt , it is all in perfect working order'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 19, 2012, 05:09:27 PM
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and  7 inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 19, 2012, 09:27:34 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 19, 2012, 05:09:27 PM
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and  7 inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back.'


That's brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 21, 2012, 02:00:24 PM
I went into the florist's and asked for some flowers for the wife.
He said, "are you looking for anything in particular?"
"Yes," I said, "sex."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on November 21, 2012, 06:27:38 PM
A psychiatrist, administering a Rorschach test, showed his patient the first ink blot and asked, "What do you see here?"
The patient replied, "A naked woman!"
He showed him another ink blot and asked, "What about this one?"
The patient replied again, "A naked woman!" And a third, and a fourth, fifth, and sixth ink blot, it was always the same: "A naked woman."
The psychiatrist said, "Now I see your problem -- you're obsessed with sex!"
The patient replied, "Me?! You're the one with the dirty pictures!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Willow on November 21, 2012, 06:41:50 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 12, 2012, 06:16:59 PM


OMFSM!!
I saw this and my first attempt was to decode it as:
Oh My Fucking Sado Masochism
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on November 21, 2012, 06:45:13 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 19, 2012, 05:09:27 PM
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and  7 inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back.'

That's rich! XD
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on November 22, 2012, 03:46:18 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi150.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs94%2FMeconopsis%2F_00aeffd.jpg&hash=0c5d6547a8e8fd85263f5b8342bd415418f96d40)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on November 22, 2012, 03:47:03 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi150.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs94%2FMeconopsis%2F_00turkeymoo.jpg&hash=494b8f68fa2585ec5f3509845b19b73fae0a2ba4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 23, 2012, 08:32:14 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4E-uiaIxNc
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 23, 2012, 09:04:33 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 23, 2012, 08:32:14 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4E-uiaIxNc
.

I feel for the cat as I chuffing hate squirrels (the grey American imports anyway) for that reason.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 23, 2012, 09:14:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 23, 2012, 08:32:14 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4E-uiaIxNc

:D :D  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 23, 2012, 10:34:19 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/550826_445009772228279_969434483_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 24, 2012, 05:59:59 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fdogjoke.jpg&hash=43af8c97e8e3050bfffda81816b352abfec17c17)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 24, 2012, 10:17:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F487138_10151384696308465_844806413_n.jpg&hash=4795feec58f6aaf92bb645560f924f79a11e180d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 25, 2012, 09:11:23 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F390362_416242698446664_1707603259_n.jpg&hash=16d5aff3e8d707d090b44b857c23f3526799d949)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 25, 2012, 06:58:54 PM
^^ I just looked up the grumpy cat and found out his name is Tard. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 25, 2012, 07:33:14 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on November 25, 2012, 06:58:54 PM
^^ I just looked up the grumpy cat and found out his name is Tard. :)

I love Tard. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 26, 2012, 09:45:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F65156_403265123076256_908579770_n.jpg&hash=482e069c4be060cf992aa333d708918ecd5a1cc4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 26, 2012, 12:17:22 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?



Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Heisenberg: Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either observe the
chicken or you can measure its speed, but you cannot do both.

Jean Foucault:  It didn't. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.

Galileo: To get a better look at the stars.

Ohm: There was more resistance on this side of the road.

Pascal: It was pressured to cross the road.

Volta: The other side had more potential.

Hawking: There exist numerous parallel universes in which the same chicken is in differing stages of crossing the road.  Only when one of the chickens has completed crossing the road do their wave functions coallesce.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Buckminister Fuller: Because we have not yet designed and implemented true, constantly forwardly/backwardly evolving, energy-transforming living machines which will enable us to perform all functions from the informedly turbining hub of a single autonomous in-spiralling/out-radiating network of space-connected information vector transforms. Had the chicken been
supplied with my Dymaxion Tensegrity Coop, it would have remained at home, un-tempted by such risky spatial-temporal translations.

Grandpa: In our days, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 26, 2012, 04:41:59 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on November 26, 2012, 12:17:22 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

...

Ernest Hemingway: "To die. Alone. In the rain."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 27, 2012, 11:10:18 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F61392_10151387829563465_1667361019_n.jpg&hash=d42f6904621b6fd1ebf8374bfb50bbe272f064b5)
Title: NAUGHTY JOKE
Post by: OldGit on November 27, 2012, 11:14:05 AM
DEFINITELY  NSFW! (http://i647.photobucket.com/albums/uu198/RamblingSyd/Ballet-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 27, 2012, 12:05:38 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newsbiscuit.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F11%2F353-no-hosepipes.jpg&hash=ede4375cf8701314dd342a1cf8a740e264c824a9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 27, 2012, 01:20:04 PM
Found on facebook: awesome.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/378834_10151337919642792_2008090456_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 27, 2012, 01:24:24 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 27, 2012, 01:20:04 PM
Found on facebook: awesome.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/378834_10151337919642792_2008090456_n.jpg)

Who you gonna' call?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 27, 2012, 01:37:11 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on November 27, 2012, 01:24:24 PM


Who you gonna' call?

:D great. Now I have the music in my head.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 27, 2012, 01:43:45 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/27998_507204569300923_1378397481_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 27, 2012, 03:07:43 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on November 27, 2012, 01:24:24 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 27, 2012, 01:20:04 PM
Found on facebook: awesome.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/378834_10151337919642792_2008090456_n.jpg)

Who you gonna' call?

That has given me a fantastic idea!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 27, 2012, 03:13:33 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on November 27, 2012, 03:07:43 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on November 27, 2012, 01:24:24 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 27, 2012, 01:20:04 PM
Found on facebook: awesome.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/378834_10151337919642792_2008090456_n.jpg)

Who you gonna' call?

That has given me a fantastic idea!

Are you going to dress the scamp up as the statue of liberty and shoot a scene of her walking in NYC
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 27, 2012, 03:36:10 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on November 27, 2012, 03:13:33 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on November 27, 2012, 03:07:43 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on November 27, 2012, 01:24:24 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 27, 2012, 01:20:04 PM
Found on facebook: awesome.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/378834_10151337919642792_2008090456_n.jpg)

Who you gonna' call?

That has given me a fantastic idea!

Are you going to dress the scamp up as the statue of liberty and shoot a scene of her walking in NYC

Nope, but I do have the things to make a Godzilla costume! ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 28, 2012, 02:23:58 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FMonica2.jpg&hash=2905827c5399404d4495782eda94a89130806dc2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 28, 2012, 02:48:00 PM
What you DON'T want to see when you're running a race:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/558829_561573177205473_132854648_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 28, 2012, 02:51:53 PM
Where did you get that picture of me?  It's 15 years old, now.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 28, 2012, 02:53:17 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 28, 2012, 02:48:00 PM
What you DON'T want to see when you're running a race:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/558829_561573177205473_132854648_n.jpg)


I ran the London Marathon in April and it is the most humiliating thing to be overtaken by someone in a giant Rhino costume.  That guy would have probably overtaken me too!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 28, 2012, 04:55:45 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F600377_448491451881342_258556343_n.jpg&hash=1fc48906a44abfb35ce8f5bb6cc05b148fa23022)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 28, 2012, 05:00:33 PM
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on November 28, 2012, 09:24:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FyqpYx.jpg&hash=b8687d5ba8738ef9b13b0818ff4d0dba53b53c5d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on November 28, 2012, 09:55:56 PM
Quote from: Davin on November 28, 2012, 09:24:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FyqpYx.jpg&hash=b8687d5ba8738ef9b13b0818ff4d0dba53b53c5d)

My head just exploded.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Genericguy on November 28, 2012, 10:07:09 PM
This is pretty funny! Gay men will marry your girlfriends unless you support gay marriage.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6846855/gay-men-will-marry-your-girlfriends (http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6846855/gay-men-will-marry-your-girlfriends)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 28, 2012, 10:42:33 PM
Quote from: Genericguy on November 28, 2012, 10:07:09 PM
This is pretty funny! Gay men will marry your girlfriends unless you support gay marriage.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6846855/gay-men-will-marry-your-girlfriends (http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6846855/gay-men-will-marry-your-girlfriends)

Very funny! (and a little scary too)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 29, 2012, 04:47:12 PM
The best of Grumpy Cat aka Tard, Holiday Edition: http://littlewhitelion.com/the-best-of-grumpy-cat-holiday-edition-14348/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on November 29, 2012, 04:54:21 PM
I love grumpy cat. I think I'll go around wishing everyone a grumpy holidays.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 30, 2012, 08:17:10 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F148753_505170446184472_173804139_n.jpg&hash=c4cf163671271375de91927deef8770ee6639691)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 30, 2012, 08:39:26 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F65078_376595605760802_1044646924_n.jpg&hash=5f9b0da7e6ffc0c160bb3d99b0d69fd78474dfc3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on November 30, 2012, 10:57:06 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm9.staticflickr.com%2F8483%2F8232333888_73427b4caf_z.jpg&hash=ad13b2ea51d672cdb1e83e7e7b30ea37b26501a0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 30, 2012, 05:00:35 PM
A second grader's attempt at trying out a pick-up line:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.happyplace.com%2Fassets%2Fimages%2F2012%2F11%2F50b8d8d3b9d2a.jpeg&hash=def8ce56e7002ac91107ba4e77907fe90a59eddc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 30, 2012, 05:10:12 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 30, 2012, 05:00:35 PM
A second grader's attempt at trying out a pick-up line:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.happyplace.com%2Fassets%2Fimages%2F2012%2F11%2F50b8d8d3b9d2a.jpeg&hash=def8ce56e7002ac91107ba4e77907fe90a59eddc)

Awwww 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 30, 2012, 07:17:54 PM
A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"

The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."

Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?"

"She's standing here next to me."

The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!"

The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:16:39 AM
Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girlfriend to try anal sex for the first time.
He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice and I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:17:40 AM
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 01, 2012, 10:42:00 AM
Quote from: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:16:39 AM
Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girlfriend to try anal sex for the first time.
He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice and I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

hahahaha that's a good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 01, 2012, 03:38:49 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:17:40 AM
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

A guy I used to work with actually had that happen in D.C. The other guy's on the crew set up the 'date' and had a good laugh about it afterwards.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 01, 2012, 04:55:17 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on December 01, 2012, 03:38:49 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:17:40 AM
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

A guy I used to work with actually had that happen in D.C. The other guy's on the crew set up the 'date' and had a good laugh about it afterwards.

Lol, wow. Did they set him up on just a date, or with a prostitute who turned out to be a guy?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 01, 2012, 05:01:22 PM
These are the top 10 Christian chat up lines:

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt?) When you fell from heaven?
   
Do you know the difference between making out and a sermon? (No?) Wanna go to church with me?
   
Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?

If Eve was tempted by an apple than you must be my fruit.

God was just showing off when He made you.

Do you think "ask, and it shall be given you" is to be taken literally?

Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

I don't speak in tongues, but I kiss that way!

[look at the person's shirt label] "Just as i thought ... made in heaven."

Are you religious? (Yes) Good, well I am the answer to your prayers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 01, 2012, 09:34:10 PM
Quote from: Amicale on December 01, 2012, 04:55:17 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on December 01, 2012, 03:38:49 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:17:40 AM
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

A guy I used to work with actually had that happen in D.C. The other guy's on the crew set up the 'date' and had a good laugh about it afterwards.

Lol, wow. Did they set him up on just a date, or with a prostitute who turned out to be a guy?

She was a prostitute. He was the sort of guy who always complained that he never got laid, ( his phrase not mine ) so one night at a bar, everyone chipped in and found him a girl. They introduced him to her and gave him the keys to the van, and after the pair went outside the rest of the crew followed to listen in. For the first five minutes or so, everything went fine ( lots of satisfied moans and groans ) until everything stopped.

He was then heard to yell, "WHAT?! YOU GOT A GOD DAMN DICK!!!"
I wasn't there myself, but the reports I heard, both from the unlucky suitor and the rest of the crew were hilarious.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 02, 2012, 03:27:55 AM
 :D Ohhhh wow, yep, I imagine that was a surprise!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 02, 2012, 05:19:07 PM
From here:  www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html)

French miltary victories ??? Don't you mean French military defeats?

Quote
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French
history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in
history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates
The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when
not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when
fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway.
Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started
ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which
they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims
a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later
known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French
Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a
Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl
home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering
the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim
force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We
can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the
Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and
Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail
after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there
when they need you."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 02, 2012, 07:30:17 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on December 02, 2012, 05:19:07 PM
From here:  www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html)

French miltary victories ??? Don't you mean French military defeats?

Quote
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French
history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in
history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates
The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when
not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when
fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway.
Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started
ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which
they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims
a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later
known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French
Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a
Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl
home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering
the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim
force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We
can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the
Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and
Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail
after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there
when they need you."

;D  My favourite line which I am going to use is....

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 03, 2012, 09:56:47 AM
^^ That's excellent.  Vive la France!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 03, 2012, 11:05:00 AM
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 04, 2012, 09:12:04 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F189980_410485395688100_1577055392_n.jpg&hash=8c9ac84cb1780ebeb4c58940be864bb033c799ef)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 04, 2012, 09:22:46 AM
Sorry, I just couldn't resist this one  :D
















































































(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F558763_255454044580693_870322656_n.jpg&hash=2837a399d9d8f841ea7c7a22820b9e760179a3c7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 04, 2012, 09:26:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F556759_497384913616560_50178573_n.jpg&hash=6c34277a8c65a97c849d2871dfd1afbeda6f871e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 05, 2012, 09:50:07 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F1390_10200163762482028_450406412_n.jpg&hash=301f1962769376c17685d61e526a6cd9fddafd8e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 06, 2012, 05:20:52 AM
Quote from: Tank on December 05, 2012, 09:50:07 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F1390_10200163762482028_450406412_n.jpg&hash=301f1962769376c17685d61e526a6cd9fddafd8e)

:D I showed this one to a couple people, both of who started singing it with the new words. I love Tard.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 06, 2012, 05:24:23 AM
Quote from: Tank on December 04, 2012, 09:26:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F556759_497384913616560_50178573_n.jpg&hash=6c34277a8c65a97c849d2871dfd1afbeda6f871e)

That is, without a doubt, the best set of Christmas lights I've ever seen. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 06, 2012, 05:41:52 AM
Quote from: OldGit on December 03, 2012, 09:56:47 AM
^^ That's excellent.  Vive la France!

If you like that here's a few more from the bottom of the page:
www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html)

QuoteWith only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the
following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a
French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in
return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive
military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:
1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the
Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the
same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the
Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold
Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule
England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and
economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman
Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertantly start England to become a
major world Power Vive La France-
   
Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:
Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First
(1060 - 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 -
William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the
Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory.
Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not
French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in
1066. Therefore, William's coronation as King of England had nothing
whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place
when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French
victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any
victory whatsoever - claim someone else's".

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its
thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not
surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion
(consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a
little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the
U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-
Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-
monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on
many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever.
Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the
British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er,
wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean.
France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their
asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at
sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of
Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land,
French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the
modern day.


French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to
be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was
"Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when
fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion
Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.


Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line,
sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter
France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with
their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium
(Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored
this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the
Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits.
War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive
at Plassey).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 06, 2012, 05:42:21 AM
In response to the xmas lights: Lol, that's funny. I hope the twats next door didn't upend their garbage bins all over their front lawn in friendly response. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 06, 2012, 10:31:40 AM
Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .....'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, sure I am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are yez from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, so I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin '
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you leave?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I left in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I left Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, And orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 06, 2012, 04:32:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FYorks-apple.jpg&hash=1f05e7c931efe4375c2a35195fbebe838e921772)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 06, 2012, 05:10:05 PM
From someone on Facebook who is an EMT:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/189223_200876506715969_1582287803_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 07, 2012, 02:26:19 AM
An old man was asked:
"At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get -Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered,
"Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ExChristian on December 09, 2012, 08:34:02 PM
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 09, 2012, 08:57:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.huffpost.com%2Fgadgets%2Fslideshows%2F267197%2Fslide_267197_1830538_free.jpg%3F1354538884080&hash=c3f3fc2ef4fd029841bd8d0d6e5a1515c8a7ed8a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 09, 2012, 10:12:56 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 09, 2012, 08:57:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.huffpost.com%2Fgadgets%2Fslideshows%2F267197%2Fslide_267197_1830538_free.jpg%3F1354538884080&hash=c3f3fc2ef4fd029841bd8d0d6e5a1515c8a7ed8a)

That can't be real.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on December 09, 2012, 10:59:39 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on December 09, 2012, 10:12:56 PM
That can't be real.

Yeah I'm guessing it's a joke as it's signed by Levi Roots who makes Reggie Reggie Sauce and became well known due to Dragons Den.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 09, 2012, 11:36:04 PM
Quote from: Crow on December 09, 2012, 10:59:39 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on December 09, 2012, 10:12:56 PM
That can't be real.

Yeah I'm guessing it's a joke as it's signed by Levi Roots who makes Reggie Reggie Sauce and became well known due to Dragons Den.

I very much doubt it's real, although people from Brighton can be a little odd!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 10, 2012, 12:25:17 AM
Quote from: Crow on December 09, 2012, 10:59:39 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on December 09, 2012, 10:12:56 PM
That can't be real.

Yeah I'm guessing it's a joke as it's signed by Levi Roots who makes Reggie Reggie Sauce and became well known due to Dragons Den.

I had absolutely no idea who Levi Roots was until you said that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 10, 2012, 02:58:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F270105_10151268571346730_544549614_n.jpg&hash=7f2bd56b22a8f457bdba87794f4f2a68bc5c0dda)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 10, 2012, 05:50:26 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 10, 2012, 02:58:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F270105_10151268571346730_544549614_n.jpg&hash=7f2bd56b22a8f457bdba87794f4f2a68bc5c0dda)

Lol! Saved this. My cat is always on the table and we're always telling her to get off of it. Now I know why!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 10, 2012, 07:50:03 PM
Oh, I see.  I hadn't noticed the cat.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 10, 2012, 07:54:31 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 10, 2012, 07:50:03 PM
Oh, I see.  I hadn't noticed the cat.

You must be delighted to be at an age where you can ogle pretty young ladies and they'll mostly think it's harmless and cute. :D

My grandfather flirts shamelessly with every young lady he meets. I asked my grandma if it bothered her. "No," she said, "if they want to take him home and wash his underwear and smelly socks,  they can have him!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 10, 2012, 07:56:13 PM
A man after my own heart.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 10, 2012, 07:57:25 PM
NTOM (Non Threatening Older Male)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: original_gender on December 10, 2012, 10:30:15 PM
So uh, a priest, a pedophile and a rapist walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 11, 2012, 05:05:16 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/407542_307383029293320_1896707871_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 11, 2012, 10:02:39 AM
Quote from: original_genderSo uh, a priest, a pedophile and a rapist walks into a bar and orders a drink.

LOL!

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 11, 2012, 01:53:46 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 11, 2012, 10:02:39 AM
Quote from: original_genderSo uh, a priest, a pedophile and a rapist walks into a bar and orders a drink.

LOL!

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.


Good one OG. I've never been married but have many friends who can attest to this fact.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 11, 2012, 04:56:29 PM
A little boy is sitting in the barber's chair and becoming anxious, so the barber gives him a tootsie roll to keep him quiet. As the barber trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face. "Do you have hair on your goodie?" asks the barber. "Don't be silly, you old pervert! I'm only eight years old!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: En_Route on December 11, 2012, 05:01:58 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on December 11, 2012, 01:53:46 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 11, 2012, 10:02:39 AM
Quote from: original_genderSo uh, a priest, a pedophile and a rapist walks into a bar and orders a drink.

LOL!

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.


Good one OG. I've never been married but have many friends who can attest to this fact.


They only say that to make you feel better. Take it from me. marriage is the passport to boundless sex
of accumulating ingenuity and kinkiness.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 11, 2012, 05:04:10 PM
Quote from: E_RTake it from me. marriage is the passport to boundless sex of accumulating ingenuity and kinkiness.

Until the wife finds out.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 11, 2012, 05:19:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F556878_564875613539121_393675760_n.jpg&hash=4bd0f3d7b5c51ef9e3ea99d161ac0ecfb1e47389)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 11, 2012, 06:12:16 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 11, 2012, 10:02:39 AM
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Yep, that is true and it reminds me of the next joke.

Q: Which food hugely diminishes a woman's libido?
A: The wedding cake
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 11, 2012, 07:24:49 PM
^ LOL!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 11, 2012, 08:22:49 PM
Merrily Inappropriate Christmas Decorations - NSFW!! (http://www.happyplace.com/12600/merrily-inapprorpriate-christmas-decorations)

Here's one of the tamer ones:

Look, perfect for baby-eating atheists: it's a pre-cut atheist-friendly baby tree out of your best dreams or worst nightmares, depending on who you are...

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.happyplace.com%2Fassets%2Fimages%2F2012%2F12%2F50c7685fa48ef.jpeg&hash=cabb8f47f40b2cdf81c9e3ba660acecb563efda2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 11, 2012, 08:34:29 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F484145_254377771358290_542135373_n.jpg&hash=fc27db0dd9ae3e51546b0f6974ce2f2dab128172)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 11, 2012, 11:56:07 PM
Quote from: Amicale on December 11, 2012, 08:22:49 PM
Merrily Inappropriate Christmas Decorations - NSFW!! (http://www.happyplace.com/12600/merrily-inapprorpriate-christmas-decorations)

Here's one of the tamer ones:

Look, perfect for baby-eating atheists: it's a pre-cut atheist-friendly baby tree out of your best dreams or worst nightmares, depending on who you are...

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.happyplace.com%2Fassets%2Fimages%2F2012%2F12%2F50c7685fa48ef.jpeg&hash=cabb8f47f40b2cdf81c9e3ba660acecb563efda2)

It took me a second to realize what the last one was.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 11, 2012, 11:59:43 PM
If you mean the last picture on page 3, then it's funny that it took you a bit. :D

Isn't that sort of activity common over there? ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 12, 2012, 12:05:54 AM
Quote from: Amicale on December 11, 2012, 11:59:43 PM
If you mean the last picture on page 3, then it's funny that it took you a bit. :D

Isn't that sort of activity common over there? ;)

Hang on, there are three pages?! ...

Those were good, but I was talking about the last one on page one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 12, 2012, 12:07:28 AM
Rofl! That makes what I said even funnier... Well, I'm sure THAT is common there too! ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 12, 2012, 12:09:51 AM
Quote from: Amicale on December 12, 2012, 12:07:28 AM
Rofl! That makes what I said even funnier... Well, I'm sure THAT is common there too! ;)

Not in the front yard it's not! ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 12, 2012, 12:15:22 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on December 12, 2012, 12:09:51 AM
Quote from: Amicale on December 12, 2012, 12:07:28 AM
Rofl! That makes what I said even funnier... Well, I'm sure THAT is common there too! ;)

Not in the front yard it's not! ;)

:D Oh great, let's hope nobody has an open view into their neighbour's back yard. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: original_gender on December 12, 2012, 12:33:45 AM
Quote from: OldGit on December 11, 2012, 05:04:10 PM
Quote from: E_RTake it from me. marriage is the passport to boundless sex of accumulating ingenuity and kinkiness.

Until the wife finds out.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fhuelsman.org%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F07%2Fcadecamp-ostridge.jpg&hash=1ef22680b2c8ade512fb627d75a3f066a07b5509)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 12, 2012, 03:41:12 PM
Found on Facebook:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 12, 2012, 04:39:00 PM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 12, 2012, 04:41:46 PM
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 12, 2012, 04:50:40 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEBwpl.jpg&hash=812e5c5f318faca9bc3fe81660df9a7dfc30708b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on December 12, 2012, 06:00:26 PM
Quote from: Davin on December 12, 2012, 04:50:40 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEBwpl.jpg&hash=812e5c5f318faca9bc3fe81660df9a7dfc30708b)

There cannot be enough wtfs to cover this pic. I mean... WTF?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 12, 2012, 06:22:01 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on December 12, 2012, 06:00:26 PM
There cannot be enough wtfs to cover this pic. I mean... WTF?
That's why it's so obvious that the aliens were involved in the creation of this image, their WTF technology is far superior to our own.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 14, 2012, 05:11:25 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/399263_569754009720723_541700652_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 15, 2012, 08:55:37 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F192500_446249368773357_80068412_o.jpg&hash=43e088e1a7db606feaabea66f4c76dbd429db71a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 15, 2012, 09:00:27 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F32340_10151353991568255_293810849_n.jpg&hash=dc8fc0f53653567f08677534511a6d1cc130c86d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 15, 2012, 05:20:24 PM
Those are so cute, Tank! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 16, 2012, 03:39:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F68617_311570908957968_1547122003_n.jpg&hash=ae99258d765937304c5f5cd213511b4b78424133)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 16, 2012, 11:25:10 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 16, 2012, 11:33:00 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on December 16, 2012, 11:25:10 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.  ;D


Heh. I would have guessed BB King, Stephen King and Martin Luther King Jr, but I'm sure those other ones provide some people happiness. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 16, 2012, 11:37:23 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on December 16, 2012, 11:25:10 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.  ;D


I'm not quite sure about the 'peace'!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 18, 2012, 09:31:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F16115_445202862200252_1826971318_n.jpg&hash=f665563c994382b7c8eca27697292717b3cb6515)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 18, 2012, 09:32:15 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F14627_337940756313460_1248454011_n.jpg&hash=a176ea2ec8d5117ddaa4d542bd9ce5da488b485f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 18, 2012, 09:46:20 PM
LOL Tank, the coma/chamelion and the mouse stirring ones are cute. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 18, 2012, 10:23:10 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F65065_570605946288039_384935332_n.jpg&hash=5b5096138662b36070cf17e28c44dbeb0c1314b9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 18, 2012, 10:29:47 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 18, 2012, 10:23:10 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F65065_570605946288039_384935332_n.jpg&hash=5b5096138662b36070cf17e28c44dbeb0c1314b9)

If only  :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 18, 2012, 10:34:14 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 18, 2012, 10:29:47 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 18, 2012, 10:23:10 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F65065_570605946288039_384935332_n.jpg&hash=5b5096138662b36070cf17e28c44dbeb0c1314b9)

If only  :)

It happens mor often than you would think!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 18, 2012, 11:17:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F377079_337516876277772_219279968_n.jpg&hash=6f0673c28b4a3eeecc06a961bf1fd4b385431b14)

The French reads "for assimilation in French, please press/select #2".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 18, 2012, 11:49:56 PM
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 18, 2012, 11:53:19 PM
Quote from: Amicale on December 18, 2012, 11:17:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F377079_337516876277772_219279968_n.jpg&hash=6f0673c28b4a3eeecc06a961bf1fd4b385431b14)

The French reads "for assimilation in French, please press/select #2".

I see, eh.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 18, 2012, 11:59:47 PM
Quote from: Amicale on December 18, 2012, 11:17:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F377079_337516876277772_219279968_n.jpg&hash=6f0673c28b4a3eeecc06a961bf1fd4b385431b14)

The French reads "for assimilation in French, please press/select #2".

That looks minecraftable.  8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 19, 2012, 11:38:04 AM
My Blackberry Is Not Working! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 19, 2012, 11:44:28 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F525091_549618788401397_1162015146_n.jpg&hash=d7f80593532fa0113758e61ca69cd692d319c752)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 19, 2012, 04:56:21 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 19, 2012, 11:44:28 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F525091_549618788401397_1162015146_n.jpg&hash=d7f80593532fa0113758e61ca69cd692d319c752)

Tard Vader?

(love the blackberry one too...)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 19, 2012, 05:01:27 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 19, 2012, 11:38:04 AM
My Blackberry Is Not Working! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI)

That's a good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 19, 2012, 05:20:38 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F994uZ.jpg%3F1&hash=ce1d3b45cd32c8bf421e5d677398f0495b15e8d7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 19, 2012, 05:29:54 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 19, 2012, 11:38:04 AM
My Blackberry Is Not Working! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI)

It's good but just not the same without Ronnie Barker.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 19, 2012, 05:34:52 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on December 19, 2012, 05:20:38 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 19, 2012, 05:42:45 PM
Quote from: Davin on December 19, 2012, 05:34:52 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on December 19, 2012, 05:20:38 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.

I liked Donna. She wasn't afraid to call the doctor out on his stupidity.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 19, 2012, 05:43:51 PM
Quote from: Davin on December 19, 2012, 05:34:52 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on December 19, 2012, 05:20:38 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.

You guys are way behind if that's your new series..... the things I could say :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 19, 2012, 05:51:38 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 19, 2012, 05:43:51 PM
Quote from: Davin on December 19, 2012, 05:34:52 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on December 19, 2012, 05:20:38 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.

You guys are way behind if that's your new series..... the things I could say :)

I'm on series five, but I don't like the eleventh Doctor as much as I like ten.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 19, 2012, 05:53:43 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on December 19, 2012, 05:51:38 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 19, 2012, 05:43:51 PM
Quote from: Davin on December 19, 2012, 05:34:52 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on December 19, 2012, 05:20:38 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.

You guys are way behind if that's your new series..... the things I could say :)

I'm on series five, but I don't like the eleventh Doctor as much as I like ten.
I call those seasons, but there was a decent break between the current six seasons and the classic series, so I tend to call the Eccleston season and on the new series.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 19, 2012, 05:54:35 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on December 19, 2012, 05:51:38 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 19, 2012, 05:43:51 PM
Quote from: Davin on December 19, 2012, 05:34:52 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on December 19, 2012, 05:20:38 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.

You guys are way behind if that's your new series..... the things I could say :)

I'm on series five, but I don't like the eleventh Doctor as much as I like ten.

We're half way through series 7 here.  Matt Smith gets a lot better so stick with him :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 19, 2012, 06:05:53 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 19, 2012, 05:54:35 PM
We're half way through series 7 here.  Matt Smith gets a lot better so stick with him :)

Netflix only has until series 6. I'll have to figure out where to get the 7th series when I finish.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on December 19, 2012, 06:55:49 PM
Quote from: OhhDucky on November 22, 2012, 03:46:18 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi150.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs94%2FMeconopsis%2F_00aeffd.jpg&hash=0c5d6547a8e8fd85263f5b8342bd415418f96d40)
Joke's on you, that was your computer.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 20, 2012, 09:32:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7UVpD.jpg&hash=1903d2b051573fc50d200c28c4309eb75ce4eeda)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 21, 2012, 12:39:01 AM
Lol :)
Cute. It may be a bit off, though. It tends to look like...
You have cancer, the government will help you pay for treatments.
This other guy has cancer too. His is worse than yours.
You both need the same surgery, so you're on a waiting list. Here's a beeper.
Ok, 3 months later, you're out of surgery... And you're in a 4-bed room with no privacy, but smile! The government paid for this ward bed.
Oh, and did we mention you're going home tomorrow?
No, you're not better yet. We just need your bed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 21, 2012, 01:05:20 AM
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on December 21, 2012, 02:12:32 AM
Quote from: Amicale on December 21, 2012, 12:39:01 AM
Lol :)
Cute. It may be a bit off, though. It tends to look like...
You have cancer, the government will help you pay for treatments.
This other guy has cancer too. His is worse than yours.
You both need the same surgery, so you're on a waiting list. Here's a beeper.
Ok, 3 months later, you're out of surgery... And you're in a 4-bed room with no privacy, but smile! The government paid for this ward bed.
Oh, and did we mention you're going home tomorrow?
No, you're not better yet. We just need your bed.

Yeah but even if all that did happen Walter White wouldn't have gone on his meth cooking adventure, therefore no Breaking Bad.
*mini rant* Whoever decided to break seasons into two parts should be hung drawn and quartered.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 21, 2012, 10:08:22 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F60050_570134573011974_247217700_n.jpg&hash=4a36d29203e6b5ae2a4ee4994b43fd5f4486231e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 21, 2012, 10:11:36 AM
Q.  Why is the camel known as the "ship of the desert"?

A.  Because it's full of Arab semen.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 21, 2012, 10:13:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F45035_516621788358837_216337079_n.jpg&hash=a06db5884bd7f3a666f4b79aca333b4e4e204898)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 21, 2012, 08:06:23 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 21, 2012, 10:13:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F45035_516621788358837_216337079_n.jpg&hash=a06db5884bd7f3a666f4b79aca333b4e4e204898)

... Funny!  Reminded me of the Blackadder scene with Baldrick and his turnip-shaped-thingy...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 21, 2012, 09:09:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FH1hGW.jpg&hash=cb6be8215ee4483f4eb95064762960ccc3190f6e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on December 21, 2012, 11:00:29 PM
Quote from: Davin on December 21, 2012, 09:09:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FH1hGW.jpg&hash=cb6be8215ee4483f4eb95064762960ccc3190f6e)

LMAO!!! This is very cyanide and happiness esque.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 23, 2012, 09:48:45 AM
Many a true word is spoken in jest!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F61962_10151258376998718_2109191889_n.jpg&hash=2ae0d75d1a7b3febfbb9682845f2e5785642eb39)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 23, 2012, 09:51:39 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F25020_440189856036545_1798453376_n.jpg&hash=09fb5b454cdb9a0e7f18b14e3b9841236409d9dc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 24, 2012, 10:23:43 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F15787_383574908401012_1816521378_n.png&hash=66425ba84778821ac975ca425783a2e5e0d7d5b2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 24, 2012, 10:30:33 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F281660_10151420798310485_1547733655_n.jpg&hash=78a82a79cf0fc1ef8c530432192280d916ace630)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 24, 2012, 01:17:33 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 23, 2012, 09:51:39 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F25020_440189856036545_1798453376_n.jpg&hash=09fb5b454cdb9a0e7f18b14e3b9841236409d9dc)

This reminds me of one I heard a few years ago:

A cowboy is captured by Indians while he's out on the range and brought back to their camp. They take him into the chief's tent where he is infomed that he will be granted one wish each day for three days. After his final wish is granted, he will be staked out and a small campfire will be lit on his belly, so his death will be as painful as possible. The chief then asks what his first wish is.

"I'd like to see my horse replied the cowboy," so they take him outside where he whispers something in the horse's ear.

The horse gallops off into the distance and returns some hous later carrying a beautiful, naked blonde woman who hops off and runs into the cowboy's tent. Seeing this the chief can only shake his head at the captives stupidity.

The next morning, the chief again summons the cowboy and asks what his next wish will be. Again the cowboy asks to see his horse and again he whispers in it's ear before the horse takes off into the distance. Some hous later, the horse returns carrying a beautiful naked brunette who dashes into the cowboys tent. For the second time in two days the chief can only shake his head at the stupidity.

The next morning, the chief summons the cowboy for his final wish before his death and again the cowboy asks to see his horse. He is taken outside and whispers into the horse's ear, but just as the horse is about to run off he grabs it by the neck and loudly yells this time.

"I SAID POSSE, THAT'S P-O-S-S-E!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 26, 2012, 07:14:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F218126_461341353929685_2099004670_n.jpg&hash=9460e6c922827593d8ec927d4a302f06a033463f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 28, 2012, 08:12:59 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/293985_454612084585828_157653892_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on December 28, 2012, 08:23:44 AM
Quote from: Amicale on December 28, 2012, 08:12:59 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/293985_454612084585828_157653892_n.jpg)
SNOW?? :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 28, 2012, 08:32:02 AM
Quote from: Sweetdeath on December 28, 2012, 08:23:44 AM
Quote from: Amicale on December 28, 2012, 08:12:59 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/293985_454612084585828_157653892_n.jpg)
SNOW?? :o

Indeed!

Where that was taken, or the circumstances, I don't know. It could have been packed around the door on purpose for a joke (I sure as hell hope that's the case); the alternative is that there was some kind of freaky avalanche, or that could be somewhere in Quebec, the Maritimes, or Nunavut easily enough!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 28, 2012, 10:24:18 AM
Dear Staff,

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that — prior to shining his/her glory all around — s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year's well publicized case, everyone is advised that EEOC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offense.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practiced in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.  Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

    Merry Christmas,

    Risk Management Department
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: william on December 28, 2012, 01:38:21 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? Used to lay awake all night wondering there`s a dog.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 28, 2012, 01:39:22 PM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 28, 2012, 11:19:05 PM
Your risk management entry was also excellent Git.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 30, 2012, 07:55:42 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F3796_475112822525877_1143994955_n.jpg&hash=a0f46b7d4910c7f321cf3350c8a8d9a7e5bbd2b0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 30, 2012, 11:25:37 AM
Where the White Man went wrong

Indian chief Two Eagles was asked by a white US Congressman "You have observed the white man for 70 years. You've seen his wars, his technological advances. You've seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Congressman continued " In your opinion, where did we go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Congressman for a moment, then replied " When white man came to this land, Indians running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty bever, clean water. Women do all house work, medicine man free. Indian men spend all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
The Cief leaned back with his pipe and said "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve this system."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 30, 2012, 04:22:24 PM
Stole that from that Facebook pic, yes?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 30, 2012, 10:25:15 PM
i had heard it before, but it did remind me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 31, 2012, 12:36:42 AM
The browser wars reminded me to share... It's a sort of dry nerd humor, but still, true story.

...So there sit Asmo and His Minions, making a run-of-the-mill personal website for a person we will call Fridtjof. The site is all done and packaged and delivered to him and the bill sent and paid. Now, Fridtjof also paid for 6 months limited support. Most people call pretty much the same day as the product gets delivered with some wishes and wants and how-to questions. Fridtjof, he didn't write, he didn't call... Nothing. So, we forgot all about him. One saturday, my phone rang with that annoying work-ringtone (Call forwarding), and what do you know, there was Fridtjof! Complaining.

Apparently, his friend or uncle or whatever could not see the page. "Ok... Is your server up and running", I asked. "Eh..?" "The ser... Ahh, forget it. Do YOU see your page?" "Yep. Is perfectly fine here". "Is there a problem with the other person's network connection?" "Nope. Don't think so" "Is there an error message?" "No, he gets some Hosted By-message" "Oooh-kay, are you viewing your site from the files I sent or the www?" "Uh... There is this file... This link-file..." "...Right, so where on your server did you upload the files I sent you..? You DID upload them, right?" "...Silence" "...Sigh" "Was I supposed to?" "oO(Dumbass!) Yes."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 31, 2012, 08:38:03 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F417981_518213331542343_1262952330_n.jpg&hash=63688801f16d5affd4f7001060a6be34c890c789)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 31, 2012, 01:28:12 PM
On a similar theme....

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweknowmemes.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F10%2Ftheyre-equals-they-fucking-are.jpg&hash=d46e9781d934b2183620767d4547966aedab7877)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 31, 2012, 03:14:45 PM
Lke that one! "Could of" is just annoying. How can people be that illiterate? HUH?! HOW?!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on January 01, 2013, 03:11:07 AM
That grammar list needs to be a shirt. Is it a shirt? I get so fumed when people use 'their' and 'there' incorrectly. HOW DO YOU MESS THAT UP?!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 03, 2013, 12:06:44 PM
Posessive its only appeared around Shakespeare's time; before that, the correct possessive of it was his.  Saved a lot of trouble, why did we change it?

... if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted?  (KJV, Matthew 5:13)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 03, 2013, 02:09:49 PM
My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a beautiful text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are eating, send me a bite.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you xxx."

I replied...

"I'm taking a shit,  Dear, what should I do?"

Ah, the old ones are the best.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 03, 2013, 05:11:02 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F430885_427768923962914_1697336818_n.jpg&hash=17e8ccf2e3dccb36a21bf971de2adb3190fce8ca)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 03, 2013, 05:20:08 PM
That last one is a gasser OG.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 03, 2013, 05:22:04 PM
Quote from: IcarusThat last one is a gasser OG.  ;D

Kind of you to say so, Icarus, but a very old gasser.  ;D

I like Tank's last one, too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 03, 2013, 11:50:58 PM
One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 04, 2013, 12:13:56 AM
Hah!  No waffles for me either, thank you...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 04, 2013, 10:05:02 AM
^^ Heh, heh!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 04, 2013, 10:12:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FoFnOA.jpg%3F1&hash=38d350d7c1b6f8f5e6c816494aa256d8b754fc0e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 05, 2013, 05:14:50 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/400113_465200950204997_495529494_n.jpg)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 08, 2013, 09:35:30 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F734974_420887291318887_816934797_n.jpg&hash=45583603308d945170ff090971afe72e038caf5b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 08, 2013, 01:10:55 PM
I feel terrible for laughing at that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 08, 2013, 01:12:51 PM
I don't.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 08, 2013, 01:34:03 PM
And The Asmo, He laughs at some random fool's misfortune.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on January 09, 2013, 12:10:55 AM
The Superman/Doctor Who one is so perfect. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2013, 08:23:31 AM
Well I thought it was funny  ;D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F72814_405088696240495_250245972_n.jpg&hash=dcd90016afe2ca2d39c47ae7c360a1ce51c6ca0a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on January 10, 2013, 08:31:26 AM
Is that Pudding in the kayak???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2013, 08:37:30 AM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on January 10, 2013, 08:31:26 AM
Is that Pudding in the kayak???
No it's the main course.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2013, 08:49:24 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F303617_270261156433787_1146918908_n.jpg&hash=c5a498c1a4e4e6185d4ea075235fe4b5ab803de4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2013, 08:51:19 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F406074_346691852104930_1605363210_n.jpg&hash=65dc51532f720aff7d172a0dad25cfa78b200b57)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 10, 2013, 11:10:59 AM
Quote from: Tank
Quote from: Claire
Is that Pudding in the kayak???
No it's the main course.

Brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 10, 2013, 11:12:41 AM
An elderly couple, Lucy & John, were in church.

About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her purse, wrote a note and handed it to John .

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

John scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 10, 2013, 05:49:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fchuckleaduck.com%2Fcomics%2F2013-01-10CAD328Gays.jpg&hash=3d9f0d4c6bf9dcffa057f6e0256a84a32cadec2e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2013, 10:42:06 PM
^^^  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 11, 2013, 12:38:15 AM
Quote from: OldGit on January 10, 2013, 05:49:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fchuckleaduck.com%2Fcomics%2F2013-01-10CAD328Gays.jpg&hash=3d9f0d4c6bf9dcffa057f6e0256a84a32cadec2e)

:D Good one.

If it were true, I'd expect lightning to regularly hit Fred Phelps, Pat Robertson, etc etc.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 11, 2013, 01:11:19 AM
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 11, 2013, 10:56:09 AM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 11, 2013, 02:41:49 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F735240_433531643387550_384933329_n.jpg&hash=be5eb4c6ae49a90c51be928121acaad353f3bb6d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 11, 2013, 02:49:51 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 11, 2013, 02:41:49 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F735240_433531643387550_384933329_n.jpg&hash=be5eb4c6ae49a90c51be928121acaad353f3bb6d)

Oooh, new prank idea!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on January 11, 2013, 03:28:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTHdnx.jpg&hash=c7f132e726883af8578ee41e365773e64846e209)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 14, 2013, 01:16:28 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F16569_493155037417240_1171051015_n.jpg&hash=0754ed7c13b09873fb1a92139be2235ed61b6539)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 14, 2013, 03:36:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnH5In.jpg&hash=5560ec17eccd2afbbd29d53e3ac8ba608d06cdf0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 14, 2013, 04:13:02 PM
+20 to Tank and BudHorse!

(I LOLed!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 14, 2013, 05:29:54 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/32144_489241281128081_1069762015_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 14, 2013, 05:31:21 PM
Bodybuilding. Meinkraft is about bodybuilding.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on January 14, 2013, 06:59:10 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 14, 2013, 01:16:28 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F16569_493155037417240_1171051015_n.jpg&hash=0754ed7c13b09873fb1a92139be2235ed61b6539)

*groans*
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 15, 2013, 09:58:43 PM
You're not going to l like this...



























































Don't blame me...







































You have been warned...













































(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F398082_10151336934236730_2025537936_n.jpg&hash=12332c62f0b82e4d27c5249f68a0d1f61ca5f56f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on January 15, 2013, 10:28:13 PM
^^^ That's an Aubrey-Maturin joke!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 16, 2013, 12:07:59 AM
If a man says something in the woods, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?   ;D

Hey ladies, dont get sore, it really is just a joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 16, 2013, 12:26:14 AM
Quote from: Icarus on January 16, 2013, 12:07:59 AM
If a man says something in the woods, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?   ;D

Hey ladies, dont get sore, it really is just a joke.


May I incur the wrath of the goddess with a follow up?

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg8.joyreactor.com%2Fpics%2Fpost%2Fwomen-understanding-advice-537038.jpeg&hash=ec4102fd71fd0885959816415f1e5c39f20a8391)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 16, 2013, 12:30:53 AM
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 16, 2013, 01:53:39 AM
 :D Good one, G85!

Here's another with birds...

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/550948_530466790308034_212595537_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 16, 2013, 08:49:55 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F74928_10151235522573506_92260331_n.jpg&hash=f4a162c94ce9de1a633817fea4fda5dd7226fd04)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 18, 2013, 09:28:28 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F150089_527063957323947_909790918_n.jpg&hash=e17632049f043fd5378b8a979d355823d41f6b56)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 18, 2013, 10:10:33 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F184565_10152058509560400_428943976_n.jpg&hash=7df15625709b8f2fc842c0bbeb3648f99a0bdb99)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 18, 2013, 04:00:37 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 18, 2013, 10:10:33 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F184565_10152058509560400_428943976_n.jpg&hash=7df15625709b8f2fc842c0bbeb3648f99a0bdb99)
Just like one of The Asmo's corporate meetings.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 19, 2013, 04:30:20 AM
George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I had a great day.... but I meant my dress size!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 19, 2013, 04:37:20 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/72813_526810357353226_744082782_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 19, 2013, 02:49:55 PM
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 19, 2013, 06:17:34 PM
^ LOL
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 21, 2013, 04:35:16 AM
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

The husband replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, "Could you please fix the steps to the front door then? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter, and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this! I'm going to the bar."

So he goes to the bar, has a few drinks, and starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife. So he decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are fixed. Inside, the hall light is working and the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey," he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

His wife said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

"So what kind of cake did you bake him"? asked her husband.

"Hello! Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 22, 2013, 12:42:43 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/72834_472538912804534_1712530960_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 22, 2013, 11:21:47 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9KlMWzKj4s&NR=1 What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on January 22, 2013, 11:42:47 PM
Quote from: Icarus on January 22, 2013, 11:21:47 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9KlMWzKj4s&NR=1 What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.

That was funny, but I want to play paint-ball in the Vatican, not laser tag. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 23, 2013, 06:11:12 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on January 22, 2013, 11:42:47 PM
Quote from: Icarus on January 22, 2013, 11:21:47 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9KlMWzKj4s&NR=1 What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.

That was funny, but I want to play paint-ball in the Vatican, not laser tag. ;D
No.... The artwork may be religious in origin, but it is still exquisite. Let's not destroy it with random dots of paint.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on January 24, 2013, 07:41:34 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on January 23, 2013, 06:11:12 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on January 22, 2013, 11:42:47 PM
Quote from: Icarus on January 22, 2013, 11:21:47 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9KlMWzKj4s&NR=1 What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.

That was funny, but I want to play paint-ball in the Vatican, not laser tag. ;D
No.... The artwork may be religious in origin, but it is still exquisite. Let's not destroy it with random dots of paint.

We can hang tarps then. Would that satisfy you?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 24, 2013, 06:31:09 PM
Sure! Have at it, Hoss.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on January 24, 2013, 06:47:48 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on January 23, 2013, 06:11:12 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on January 22, 2013, 11:42:47 PM
Quote from: Icarus on January 22, 2013, 11:21:47 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9KlMWzKj4s&NR=1 What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.

That was funny, but I want to play paint-ball in the Vatican, not laser tag. ;D
No.... The artwork may be religious in origin, but it is still exquisite. Let's not destroy it with random dots of paint.

I say let it interact with culture even if that is destructive in nature, the interaction between people and art is just as important as the art itself if not more.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on January 24, 2013, 06:55:50 PM
Quote from: Crow on January 24, 2013, 06:47:48 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on January 23, 2013, 06:11:12 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on January 22, 2013, 11:42:47 PM
Quote from: Icarus on January 22, 2013, 11:21:47 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9KlMWzKj4s&NR=1 What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.

That was funny, but I want to play paint-ball in the Vatican, not laser tag. ;D
No.... The artwork may be religious in origin, but it is still exquisite. Let's not destroy it with random dots of paint.

I say let it interact with culture even if that is destructive in nature, the interaction between people and art is just as important as the art itself if not more.

I like the way you think Crow.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 24, 2013, 11:58:45 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconv%2F59c3deb947cdcca15f3127aa601453a68f9f5e4d1ad8df9ef4f2a45e95f5d2744g.jpg&hash=6cd01be709f19082c17d25c2e91bea59bffbe17a) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/?9chp8861z82mv6g)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 25, 2013, 04:00:35 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F408193_461098163957839_491618291_n.png&hash=63824da5fb47f410b8618648dd6cff836f73f45d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 25, 2013, 04:45:56 AM
Quote from: Tank on January 25, 2013, 04:00:35 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F408193_461098163957839_491618291_n.png&hash=63824da5fb47f410b8618648dd6cff836f73f45d)

:D If I were getting into witchcraft, this is totally how I'd go about starting! I love that kitty.  ;D

Here are the cat's slightly evil companions:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/428134_477143649014891_436762232_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 25, 2013, 10:30:59 AM
A group of mates all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Final it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham because the waitresses had big tits & wore mini skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they  should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham   because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham because they had never been there before but someone had told them that the waitresses had big tits!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 25, 2013, 11:28:50 AM
This is soooo good!!!



















































(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F484819_476123575784796_1901261707_n.jpg&hash=fb4e163c79b704b917302f940d3fadce94d2a46a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 26, 2013, 07:36:35 AM
This was posted on facebook by a friend of mine who was an X-ray tech  ;D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F75056_470236633037286_1007961673_n.jpg&hash=f21d59468f4f3b1085f8bd179abb625537918c81)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 26, 2013, 10:35:39 AM
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications  all look good, but there is an attitude  suiitability test that you must take before you can be accepted
Sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,  six drug dealers,  six Muslim extremists and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: En_Route on January 29, 2013, 12:33:45 AM
Two Irishmen are looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says " Bejasus, would you look at these gorgeous women! And the prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one of them right now"
Three weeks later, Paddy meets Mick and asks him "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 29, 2013, 09:42:30 AM
A man walked out onto the street and caught a taxi just going by.He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No-one could ever measure up to Brian."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 29, 2013, 04:56:52 PM
^^^ Good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 30, 2013, 09:49:32 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F528888_291705974286240_2082089988_n.jpg&hash=424c4d4e9024b03cef57bf9649a1e5f6a1da5370)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 30, 2013, 10:52:52 AM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on January 30, 2013, 12:11:44 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 30, 2013, 09:49:32 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F528888_291705974286240_2082089988_n.jpg&hash=424c4d4e9024b03cef57bf9649a1e5f6a1da5370)

Brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 30, 2013, 03:00:02 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 30, 2013, 09:49:32 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F528888_291705974286240_2082089988_n.jpg&hash=424c4d4e9024b03cef57bf9649a1e5f6a1da5370)
Sorry, friends. That one is a very Norwegian registration number. ZH 46505 is a Tromsø plate, it is. Apparently, the vehicle it belonged to has been scrapped or unregistered.

On a spearate note, I had one of those and that there is easier than replacing the heater radiator, which is prone to clogging up, leaking and doing all sorts of nastiness in some of those cars.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on January 30, 2013, 08:13:37 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FteYY8R9.png&hash=83256999c0d4c661f142e656003f854717416f33)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 30, 2013, 10:04:23 PM
I don't get it... Well, except for the suicide bomber who apparently decided his car was far too nice to die with him.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 31, 2013, 02:42:54 AM
This one reminded me of DeterminedJuliet.  :D

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/c0.0.403.403/p403x403/735181_595621543800636_8267043_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on January 31, 2013, 07:30:07 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7Jj3UAJ.jpg&hash=dd6fa0dacd400dbb55e6090cc5a43e2c16083309)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 01, 2013, 09:02:32 AM
HAHAHA The wine joke killed me. :D

I didn't get the islam one... ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 01, 2013, 03:14:39 PM
I dunno, the Islam one I find funny because of the polarity of the different meanings of the term "radical." In my youths, radical was like doing something extreme and cool, but when attached to Islam, it tends to mean "terrorists", but I still have a lingering image hanging around from using "radical" as a kid, so sometimes the images get mixed into Muslims doing the "radical" things that I used to call "radical" when people say "radical Islam."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 01, 2013, 07:44:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9p3B2bG.jpg&hash=3d064fe41b3166b92ba01ca20ebd0a4725f28d2b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 01, 2013, 08:09:41 PM
A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left...

MORAL OF THE STORY :
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can think also.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 01, 2013, 08:25:55 PM
Haha, the OCD one is pretty amusing.


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2F1ed3712f2939597069c2776c091df239%2Ftumblr_mhek9xhIia1ql2603o1_500.jpg&hash=c23cadaa779ad3ed53e627a149dc96bdb11ca15b)


:< :<! I hope this isn't real. *sobbing* I.Q SCREENING BEFORE BREEDING should be a motto we can apply to everyone.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 01, 2013, 08:59:50 PM
I can practically see the kid being bullied into suicide before finishing kindergarten
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 01, 2013, 09:10:42 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 01, 2013, 08:59:50 PM
I can practically see the kid being bullied into suicide before finishing kindergarten

Well, thankfully most kindergarteners wouldn't know what the word meant - and maybe not most young grade schoolers. By the kid got to 6th or 7th grade though, they'd be doomed!

Then again, celebrities have named their kids all kinds of odd things - Moonbeam, Camera, Puma, Blue Ivy, Kal-el (that one's Nick Cage's kid, and Superman's birth name if my source is correct, ha), Banjo, and perhaps my 'favourite' - Penn Jillette's daughter, Moxie Crime-Fighter.

http://www.infoplease.com/spot/celebrity-baby-names.html - some of these are good for a chuckle, as this is the joke thread!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 01, 2013, 09:12:45 PM
Quote from: Amicale on February 01, 2013, 09:10:42 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 01, 2013, 08:59:50 PM
I can practically see the kid being bullied into suicide before finishing kindergarten

Well, thankfully most kindergarteners wouldn't know what the word meant - and maybe not most young grade schoolers. By the kid got to 6th or 7th grade though, they'd be doomed!

Then again, celebrities have named their kids all kinds of odd things - Moonbeam, Camera, Puma, Blue Ivy, Kal-el (that one's Nick Cage's kid, and Superman's birth name if my source is correct, ha), Banjo, and perhaps my 'favourite' - Penn Jillette's daughter, Moxie Crime-Fighter.

http://www.infoplease.com/spot/celebrity-baby-names.html - some of these are good for a chuckle, as this is the joke thread!

The host of The Youg Turks named his son Prometheus Maximus. That's my all time favorite.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 01, 2013, 10:14:52 PM
 :o :o wow... what...

I...dont understand people. *slinks back into the darkness of my bedroom*
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 02, 2013, 02:34:16 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/539234_10151505409713465_1519523488_n.jpg)

Unfortunately, math will still want to know "Y?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 02, 2013, 04:18:12 AM
Quote from: Amicale on February 02, 2013, 02:34:16 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/539234_10151505409713465_1519523488_n.jpg)

Unfortunately, math will still want to know "Y?"

:D There's nothing like a good math joke!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 02, 2013, 08:03:19 AM
Quote from: Amicale on February 02, 2013, 02:34:16 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/539234_10151505409713465_1519523488_n.jpg)

Unfortunately, math will still want to know "Y?"

LOL! I'm telling this one to Mimi! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 03, 2013, 09:39:08 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F550259_499148130135618_480184031_n.jpg&hash=02b17e1b41ae344c9d4e0914acc7e7193550a6e4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2013, 01:18:24 PM
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 03, 2013, 05:00:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F408409_448659541874760_2126097049_n.jpg&hash=bb4dcdfb3abe2aed381a83c9f5ce6aa74e8e7257)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 05:02:25 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:08:51 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 05:02:25 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 03, 2013, 05:11:07 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:08:51 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 05:02:25 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.

Cat + Cardboard Box = Immovable Object
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:13:00 PM
Quote from: joeactor on February 03, 2013, 05:11:07 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:08:51 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 05:02:25 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.

Cat + Cardboard Box = Immovable Object

...?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 03, 2013, 05:15:06 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:13:00 PM
Quote from: joeactor on February 03, 2013, 05:11:07 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:08:51 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 05:02:25 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.

Cat + Cardboard Box = Immovable Object

...?

Cats don't listen to humans!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:21:33 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 03, 2013, 05:15:06 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:13:00 PM
Quote from: joeactor on February 03, 2013, 05:11:07 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:08:51 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 05:02:25 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.

Cat + Cardboard Box = Immovable Object

...?

Cats don't listen to humans!

...so sayeth a tamer of lions??
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 03, 2013, 05:56:16 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:21:33 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 03, 2013, 05:15:06 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:13:00 PM
Quote from: joeactor on February 03, 2013, 05:11:07 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:08:51 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 05:02:25 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.

Cat + Cardboard Box = Immovable Object

...?

Cats don't listen to humans!

...so sayeth a tamer of lions??

:D I didn't claim to be any good at taming lions!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 05:57:37 PM
Dogs don't run because someone says "run", do they? They run because they are starving and there be a promise of a rabbit, no?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 03, 2013, 06:49:15 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 05:57:37 PM
Dogs don't run because someone says "run", do they? They run because they are starving and there be a promise of a rabbit, no?  ???

Or a stick to fetch, or a ball to catch, or a kid on a bike to chase, or leaves to jump through... Dogs run for all kinds of reasons and they race each other playfully. It's cute to watch! You throw a stick, they race to see who gets the stick first. :D You throw a toy for 2 cats, they look at you like "go get it yourself" and they go to sleep. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 07:13:37 PM
What sort of lazy-ass cats have you surrounded yourself with? The last cat we had was only too happy to chase a ping pong ball on a string. I'm almost sure that if one trained and starved the cats sudfficiently, one could race them effectively. They are kind of small though... Maybe that's why they don't do it
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 03, 2013, 07:31:17 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 07:13:37 PM
What sort of lazy-ass cats have you surrounded yourself with? The last cat we had was only too happy to chase a ping pong ball on a string. I'm almost sure that if one trained and starved the cats sudfficiently, one could race them effectively. They are kind of small though... Maybe that's why they don't do it

:D My cat is pretty lazy. But she runs around like a herd of turtles (clomp clomp thump) on her own strange little whims.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 04, 2013, 11:52:49 AM
Moving on


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F247667_388601421212998_621036211_n.jpg&hash=87b76a16b5c539f85d27d428e5ae7fae38639fda)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 04, 2013, 12:03:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F538979_478775865492627_1139757514_n.jpg&hash=9b2813abf2480c4f4b0de378cbe364417a445e82)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 04, 2013, 05:22:33 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F11327_507881659277911_1792851393_n.jpg&hash=b9c3dfe34201bf232d200d2ae84b62728b30fe26)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 05, 2013, 07:00:48 AM
Two antennas meet on a roof and fall in love. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg710.imageshack.us%2Fimg710%2F9922%2Frimshot.gif&hash=77d5ac078a921ed7ff6be629eed7a4f2ac98bb10)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 05, 2013, 02:03:13 PM
^^ Ow!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 05, 2013, 02:17:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-lt0.pinterest.com%2F550%2F8d%2Fed%2Ff0%2F8dedf0535fc614930906d473b36347ea.jpg&hash=bcfd50d533435d85f26f86cf580be392d9c89277)

I am always up for some Canadian humor.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on February 05, 2013, 06:25:17 PM
Q: What does a model train set and a woman's breast have in common?
A: They are intended for the kids, but it is daddy who plays with them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 05, 2013, 06:29:33 PM
^ LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 05, 2013, 06:33:49 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on February 05, 2013, 06:25:17 PM
Q: What does a model train set and a woman's breast have in common?
A: They are intended for the kids, but it is daddy who plays with them.

It's not a joke. It's an observation. A good one, but still not a joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on February 05, 2013, 06:46:09 PM
Another observation

Q. What do Eric the Red and Smokey the Bear have in common?
A. They have the same middle name.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 02:28:01 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thehindu.com%2Fmultimedia%2Fdynamic%2F01134%2FCERN2_jpg_1134412g.jpg&hash=10a77344710598e6314ac01cbf7b35a7d0cfb375)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 06, 2013, 03:34:28 AM
Quote from: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 02:28:01 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thehindu.com%2Fmultimedia%2Fdynamic%2F01134%2FCERN2_jpg_1134412g.jpg&hash=10a77344710598e6314ac01cbf7b35a7d0cfb375)
Thats a good one! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 06, 2013, 11:34:41 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTT9KHbz.jpg&hash=ca69680e88036b94bbbb6c7883fe544cf655a1c5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 11:35:58 AM
LOL! Yep, he won the hide and seek, alright!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 06, 2013, 11:47:34 AM
Oops!  I see Tank posted this one in another thread, well before me.  Sorry, Tank - I stole it from another forum, not from you.  8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 06, 2013, 01:17:44 PM
I wish my child would take some hide and seek lessons from him, she insists on coming back to find me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 06, 2013, 04:48:16 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 06, 2013, 01:17:44 PM
I wish my child would take some hide and seek lessons from him, she insists on coming back to find me.

BAD MUMMY! You don't mean that!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 04:49:44 PM
Found this on Facebook. I've seen it before, but it's cute and worth sharing. Part funny, part probably true.  :D



Those kids are up to no good!! You find out interesting things when you have kids.

What Kids Taught Me.


1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house one inch deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

10.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

11.) Super glue is forever.

12.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

13.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

14.) VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

15.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

16.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

17.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

18.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

19.) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

20.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

21.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

22.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 06, 2013, 04:54:31 PM
^^^ Very good :)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F299301_604798566216267_253112874_n.jpg&hash=b3154f3af51704d00e402a4e2f6b7f6d43c3674c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 05:00:31 PM
LOL, love the grapes.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 06, 2013, 06:27:33 PM
Only a couple of raindrops on this parade, if The Asmo may:

Quote from: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 04:49:44 PM
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
You obviously need an industrial strength fan. That will spin a kid around as long as it's not a cheap one - that will probably just break.

Quote7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
Not if you have recently emptied your septic tank.

Quote8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
Yes, and it can also be a fire hazard. Chlorine can also react with many other household items, sometimes with generation of highly poisonous gases (Those warnings about not mixing chlorine-rich cleaning products with anything else..? There is a reason for them)

Quote9.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.
As will coins, batteries and most of the other crap that can be swallowed but not digested. I would advise against trying nails or razor blades though, unless the latter has been taped up.

Quote11.) Super glue is forever.
It's just an organic compound. Organic solvents like acetone will remove it.

Quote14.) VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Provided you stick a sandwich in one to begin with, some models will. It depends on your machine's feeding/ejection system.

Quote17.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Indeed. Unless it smels of almond with none to be found. In which case, running may be a good idea... Unless it be too late.

There. Parade rained on, Asmo appeased, mission accomplished  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 06:40:57 PM
Asmo, you're hilarious. :D Glad you're appeased, although I'm afraid you spent too long raining on the parade of something that took me 15 seconds to pull off Facebook... But I thank you for the extra facts. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 06, 2013, 07:03:04 PM
And His Appeasedness even managed to throw in a public service announcement or two in there. Now, who wants to learn how to make highly poisonous gases using household chemicals?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 06, 2013, 07:49:35 PM
Excellent, Amicale, but you missed that cling film stretched tightly across the toilet bowl will fool many adults, especially grannies.

Quote from: The Grey OneNow, who wants to learn how to make highly poisonous gases using household chemicals?

Ooh, yes please, me!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 06, 2013, 08:29:43 PM
Ok... Let's start with something simple, shall we?

Bleach for chlorine compounds and some vinegar for the bubbly.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 07, 2013, 08:58:26 AM
I was only gonna comment on the superglue because i work with many different glues for costumes and know how to get each type off.  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 07, 2013, 07:21:36 PM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an  Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
a German, an Indian, several  Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a  Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an
Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan,  a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a  Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a  Pole, a Lithuanian, a
Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman  Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an  Icelander, a Mexican, a
Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an  Israeli, a Venezuelan,
an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a  Syrian, a Brazilian,
a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a
Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an  Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a  Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a  Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a  Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a  Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a posh  restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 07, 2013, 07:51:29 PM
BANNED for discriminating against South Africans (among others)  >:(

Oh, wait..! Wrong thread.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 07, 2013, 07:55:29 PM
Banned for banning me in the wrong thread.

GO players will note that we now have a Ko, so His Greyness must expend a ko-threat before retaking, else I can fill it in.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 07, 2013, 08:14:37 PM
D&D gamers will know what His Grayness means when he smites OG with a +172 Banhammer for 14422 damage and recaptures His derail.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 07, 2013, 08:16:54 PM
Sounds like a reasonable ko-threat.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 07, 2013, 09:31:49 PM
An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 08, 2013, 03:41:06 AM
^ I never saw the punchline coming, as I expected a Zippo to be thrown in the mix.  Or would a ronson be more appropriate for an Englishman? That was extremely well delivered either way.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 08, 2013, 06:12:22 AM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 08, 2013, 07:59:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F61762_428724357206473_305985660_n.jpg&hash=015c45c52a3b63dfdc1e20eff50449d7174c37fb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 08, 2013, 02:29:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-lt0.pinterest.com%2F550%2F43%2Fe6%2Fbd%2F43e6bddec978ac43c956b5b96bd562b3.jpg&hash=0e10a5ddf2460f410947c645fa58057017048be8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 08, 2013, 06:03:46 PM
Great joke, though I heard it with a different punch line.
The guy has a tiny piano with a 1 foot high man that plays it perfectly.
(do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?)

Quote from: Amicale on February 07, 2013, 09:31:49 PM
An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 09, 2013, 10:50:17 PM
LOL, Joe. Good punchline there, too.

OK, time for more grumpycat...

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwhitelion.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F01%2Fgrump-eat.jpg&hash=8831f658cd51f2afa12bb7dbd5ca84f741d1ae3d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 09, 2013, 11:42:39 PM
Guardian, the hit man joke just cracked me up. But then only dirty old men like me are caused to laugh by such a fortuitous saving of money.

Tank, your skills with a parabolic curve are  most appreciated. I understand the shotgun blasts at 5,0. Hail Descartes and caffiene.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 10, 2013, 11:48:11 AM
God and the Harley Rider  

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such a worldly thing. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help all of mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?  
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 10, 2013, 02:28:21 PM
^^^ Hah!

(I love this thread ;-)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 10, 2013, 08:13:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F485366_608633312496358_1795958057_n.jpg&hash=ff2b2c5e17cfe60ffb3192da7d1aabd160b7c598)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 11, 2013, 07:12:53 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F531608_495222443848041_942674739_n.jpg&hash=309eebb27efbad37decc08132e377d1fe1d80288)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 11, 2013, 11:38:47 AM
Quote from: Tank on February 10, 2013, 08:13:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F485366_608633312496358_1795958057_n.jpg&hash=ff2b2c5e17cfe60ffb3192da7d1aabd160b7c598)
>:( There will be vengeance for that, mark my words!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 11, 2013, 02:15:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F538354_10151409547856730_1112043819_n.jpg&hash=4671002e280f60467c38a5367b60667fb821c585)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 11, 2013, 02:34:16 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 11, 2013, 02:15:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F538354_10151409547856730_1112043819_n.jpg&hash=4671002e280f60467c38a5367b60667fb821c585)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dianafit.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F01%2Fno-grumpy-cat.jpg&hash=7c8e16affed8e92b310e93b2211e9ee20e54f7d0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 11, 2013, 10:43:46 PM
Saw this elsewhere on the net:

Q: What is the Pope giving up for Lent?
A: His job.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 11, 2013, 10:46:37 PM
There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night,and the Amish still ride in buggies. Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves. The Girl said to her mother, "its suppose to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?" Her mother replied. "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on there was. On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?" She replied, " my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm." Her date said to her, " well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?" The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did. After returning home from her date she asked her mother," What do you know about them there dicks?" Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?" The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 12, 2013, 06:22:39 AM
This made me laugh. You KNOW you need a mint when your cat, who cleans his ENTIRE body with his tongue, does this:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/65929_489657357763520_293466839_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 12, 2013, 09:12:45 AM
Quote from: Tank on February 11, 2013, 07:12:53 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F531608_495222443848041_942674739_n.jpg&hash=309eebb27efbad37decc08132e377d1fe1d80288)
If Asmo liked cats.. this would be his cat.

(I like cats. *takes her*  ;D )
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 12, 2013, 09:33:38 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F307983_452971341443580_1464805998_n.jpg&hash=9b38651e3a453e1d6185a946af91e0fb6e5aab1c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 12, 2013, 09:39:50 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F537939_452960844777963_337967441_n.jpg&hash=eb881fb05816cb267bf6137ecb79377b40785689)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 12, 2013, 09:44:41 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F538105_547460148620888_1448996166_n.jpg&hash=e97cf6fcafb8dd22150c6fb072060029fc421397)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 12, 2013, 04:45:46 PM
This one's old, but I still like it:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FvMob9t6.jpg&hash=7a5b89ab8ad6277da204e59de63913a6fde5123e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 13, 2013, 07:02:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F222616_484943848219477_324923796_n.jpg&hash=422d3c197d7f4d6a07ed804a2a366853bcb3e950)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 13, 2013, 10:54:09 AM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 13, 2013, 12:08:20 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F404897_496123313757954_919239551_n.jpg&hash=7571e1425eb2539953c0cc7bb24e26f3efed984f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 13, 2013, 01:49:47 PM
Yes. The Asmo, He dislikes Valentine's Day.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 13, 2013, 02:19:48 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F307444_10151414085381730_391456469_n.png&hash=39e00218045ceb65f3bd1d3298d8d49b4ae1fb1d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 13, 2013, 08:42:03 PM
...Eh?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 14, 2013, 01:17:40 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-lt0.pinterest.com%2F550x%2Ff6%2Ff5%2F03%2Ff6f503bf10d04974d0ccc905d2c56470.jpg&hash=f3ca5477885d6ed84da0685307f166e50298349e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 14, 2013, 02:55:46 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F529677_336819299768397_1739219132_n.jpg&hash=0982b11c4546f433f65d63be202cd7b8c11bef3b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 14, 2013, 04:18:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F11207_392436947519802_2054674454_n.jpg&hash=795dbf72f8642144557409b90e7dd7c593db06c3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: new guy on February 14, 2013, 05:57:20 PM
Okay, guys, listen up.
This is a very
flammable mixture
that's also
undetectable.
If we put it on the electric box
and two of the outlets,
then light them all at once,
it'll look like a short circuit.

Geez, Mort, how the hell do
you know how to do all this?

Oh, it's all covered in
the Torah.
Right after the chapter on
writing complaint letters
that will result in
compensatory merchandise.

Dear stuffed shirts
at Ritz Crackers.
A chain is only as strong
as its weakest link.
Just as a box of crackers
is only as appealing
as its least intact sleeve.
I am paying
for fully formed crackers,
not butter crumbles.
I don't buy your product
with broken quarters;
don't stick me
with broken pieces of cracker,
you miserable dicks!
Regards, Mort Goldman again.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 14, 2013, 06:42:49 PM
I got two that made me laugh a lot

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.explosm.net%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2FRob%2Fifeelugly.png&hash=215ce124250904387fd7f2e3db26d3222b467f85)

and

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.explosm.net%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2FDave%2Fcomicbps1.png&hash=c4b7c1310caec70c889d29c38467272025a5ff4f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 15, 2013, 03:59:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F535576_550901154930900_918106128_n.jpg&hash=44c9d0e059a5d41d142311485d7e39d5ca21ae31)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 15, 2013, 10:02:10 PM
Credit to: Little White Lion (http://littlewhitelion.com/if-facebook-existed-years-ago-funny-16204/) because that's where I found it, but I don't know who created it - the url on the bottom gives credit to 'thefunnyplanet', so someone there, I guess.

As someone in the comments pointed out, the main screw-up is that the post dates are from years and years ago, but the comments are only hours/minutes ago. Oh well. It still made me laugh the first time I saw this.  :D

It's called "If Facebook Existed Years Ago".

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwhitelion.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F01%2Fif-facebook-existed-years-ago-thumb.jpg&hash=ffd5a97d055ac559233691a3f03b40dafae2ba15)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 16, 2013, 01:50:09 AM
^Those are hilarious :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 16, 2013, 04:47:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F182600_497469046956714_1586066651_n.jpg&hash=89821f6469d6a9e8cdd953a023e7d29c9497f350)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 16, 2013, 10:00:20 PM
Another Little White Lion (http://littlewhitelion.com/7-international-marketing-fails-18733/7-marketing-fails-thumb/) collection - I have NO idea if these are true, but they're pretty funny anyway!  :D

"7 marketing fails":

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwhitelion.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F02%2F7-marketing-fails-thumb.jpg&hash=4542c03e6837424b7e88ac086b00f105e3ec32fe)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 17, 2013, 04:05:40 AM
That's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time Amicale!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 17, 2013, 04:27:32 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on February 17, 2013, 04:05:40 AM
That's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time Amicale!

:D Glad you liked it, I got a laugh out of it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 09:27:38 AM
I knew the Pepsi one but none of the others.
Good for a Giggle.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F535464_455443497863031_242659664_n.jpg&hash=3f2506ca53435347742742d47adaf936f43ab5fc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 17, 2013, 02:33:48 PM
I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English:      I Love You
Spanish:    Te Amo
French:      Je t'aime
German:     ich liebe dich
Japanese:   Ai Shite Imasu
Italian:       Ti Amo
Chinese:     Wo Ai Ni
Swedish      Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian:  As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi, Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta,
Manitoba, Oregon, Upper Michigan:     Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

     

     

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 17, 2013, 02:35:52 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 17, 2013, 09:27:38 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F535464_455443497863031_242659664_n.jpg&hash=3f2506ca53435347742742d47adaf936f43ab5fc)
This isn't a rapid response policeman, is it?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 02:57:46 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 17, 2013, 02:35:52 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 17, 2013, 09:27:38 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F535464_455443497863031_242659664_n.jpg&hash=3f2506ca53435347742742d47adaf936f43ab5fc)
This isn't a rapid response policeman, is it?  ???
Yes. Until he gets out of the car that is.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 04:04:38 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F525737_602248576456864_654379841_n.jpg&hash=064a11776e602b5b0eba6f22c62339430d11f6ab)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 17, 2013, 04:05:20 PM
Quote from: OldGit on February 17, 2013, 02:33:48 PM
I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English:      I Love You
Spanish:    Te Amo
French:      Je t'aime
German:     ich liebe dich
Japanese:   Ai Shite Imasu
Italian:       Ti Amo
Chinese:     Wo Ai Ni
Swedish      Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian:  As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi, Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta,
Manitoba, Oregon, Upper Michigan:     Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.



I can't speak for the rest but I can say on good authority that not all Virginians are like this ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 04:09:38 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 17, 2013, 04:05:20 PM
Quote from: OldGit on February 17, 2013, 02:33:48 PM
I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English:      I Love You
Spanish:    Te Amo
French:      Je t'aime
German:     ich liebe dich
Japanese:   Ai Shite Imasu
Italian:       Ti Amo
Chinese:     Wo Ai Ni
Swedish      Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian:  As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi, Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta,
Manitoba, Oregon, Upper Michigan:     Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.



I can't speak for the rest but I can say on good authority that not all[/i Virginians are like this ;)
He's on his best behaviour at the moment  :D ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 17, 2013, 04:16:02 PM
Yes, Claire, just you wait ...  ;D

BTW poor old Oscar Pistorius has no chance of a Not Guilty verdict ....... he hasn't got a leg to stand on.  (Falls about in senile cackle, swallows false teesh.)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 04:17:12 PM
Quote from: OldGit on February 17, 2013, 04:16:02 PM
Yes, Claire, just you wait ...  ;D

BTW poor old Oscar Pistorius has no chance of a Not Guilty verdict ....... he hasn't got a leg to stand on.  (Falls about in senile cackle, swallows false teesh.)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg837.imageshack.us%2Fimg837%2F14%2Fcoffeescreen.gif&hash=2677375a311d6ffcd406425d5279bfafae9a52e5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 04:18:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539735_577988692229118_1240429138_n.jpg&hash=ba37683b1bd3832df6faf9ef72a038b5e5abdc43)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 17, 2013, 04:54:01 PM
Wouldn't work. Could simply lift the phone above the collar.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 18, 2013, 06:49:01 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F223443_498172480219704_206891773_n.jpg&hash=a71e9a9a94a1a2905c1d01fdf49065caaac9f2e3)

These are done by an Australian friend of mine.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 18, 2013, 04:25:26 PM
First. My wife's car went in for an MOT and Service today. It had an odd road wheel speed noise, usually associated with something like a binding break. It turned out to be a broken coil spring! And it was the broken end of the spring cutting into the inside tyre wall. It was literally mm's from causing a blow out. It was also a new f***ing tyre to. Plus front break disks and pads were needed. Goodbye £700!  >:(

Second. Got a new TV today. 40" LCD. Got a good price on the TV at Argos but they didn't have a angled/flexible wall mounting bracket to fit! So I went to Tesco to see what they had in the way of TVs, turned out not much. But they did have a bracket that would fit the TV Argos had! So I bought that and went back to Argos and got the TV. All went well mounting the bracket and getting the TV onto it. Plugged in the TV; nothing! F***ing nothing! Dead as a bloody door nail!  >:(  Grrrr. Rang Argos help line expecting answering machine hell. Surprise! A human! Gave him the Argos part number and in seconds he knew the answer. There is a 'hidden' on/off switch! Not the standby on/off button that is mentioned in the manual but a real power on/off switch that is NOT mentioned in the manual. Click! It works!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 18, 2013, 04:29:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539812_10151424025726730_776771584_n.jpg&hash=f78b552f391bd41c813f2ff8d58102e3a01385d9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 18, 2013, 05:51:07 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 18, 2013, 04:29:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539812_10151424025726730_776771584_n.jpg&hash=f78b552f391bd41c813f2ff8d58102e3a01385d9)

That's gotta be photoshopped.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 18, 2013, 06:15:25 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 18, 2013, 05:51:07 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 18, 2013, 04:29:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539812_10151424025726730_776771584_n.jpg&hash=f78b552f391bd41c813f2ff8d58102e3a01385d9)

That's gotta be photoshopped.
Apparently not.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 19, 2013, 08:55:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F377647_10151511417656103_1574518467_n.jpg&hash=ddcbc25ee0dc53738f6da0648de63c6b670bb024)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 19, 2013, 11:29:27 AM
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 19, 2013, 02:58:23 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F13856_213905525419382_1924606939_n.jpg&hash=80fd128200b292261b62fedae50f32a2e4aa8ac9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 19, 2013, 03:04:13 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 18, 2013, 04:29:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539812_10151424025726730_776771584_n.jpg&hash=f78b552f391bd41c813f2ff8d58102e3a01385d9)
Why is that moment awkward again..?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 19, 2013, 03:14:35 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 19, 2013, 03:04:13 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 18, 2013, 04:29:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539812_10151424025726730_776771584_n.jpg&hash=f78b552f391bd41c813f2ff8d58102e3a01385d9)
Why is that moment awkward again..?
I have no idea I just posted the picture  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 19, 2013, 03:15:35 PM
...Which was cool enough, but would be more so without the text. The... Text which isn't on the horse, that is.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 19, 2013, 04:44:43 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F426109_607633492595415_1415318699_n.jpg&hash=a0f6602cc3e219d09140d2ecb2736c5cd94bbf7a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 19, 2013, 05:45:35 PM
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 20, 2013, 12:31:33 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F11170_499588996744926_175390176_n.jpg&hash=248f6284290bbb8623067ca2ba845d388912ca28)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 20, 2013, 03:10:07 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec5.pinterest.com%2F550x%2F59%2F29%2F94%2F5929947ba6ea825b52468a00a2a46881.jpg&hash=93342276bb2a4f578bbb9021948ca14328def6ea)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 21, 2013, 02:46:12 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec4.pinterest.com%2F550x%2Fa5%2Fdc%2F67%2Fa5dc6763e0df95bc592e5614abc95414.jpg&hash=9bfae586803dbc0ad170f4823c4582adbe5a2766)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 21, 2013, 03:20:35 PM
^lol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 07:24:06 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F574737_493419557388531_2012066034_n.jpg&hash=cd251c0aebb3f909c080ec83583e039d04766c5b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 07:27:25 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F551381_10151429825341730_751496027_n.jpg&hash=de27ccca90327f8aa4106e841eee72566827fe50)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 22, 2013, 07:30:18 AM
Quote from: Tank on February 22, 2013, 07:27:25 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F551381_10151429825341730_751496027_n.jpg&hash=de27ccca90327f8aa4106e841eee72566827fe50)

;D I LOVE The Far Side.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 09:28:03 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F285600_341628682610466_1165364054_n.jpg&hash=52240e62e3a65cabec8775cda98c82cae2b9997c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 12:03:31 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F11208_458146404259407_2047000853_n.jpg&hash=133880b5dc804af328ec145252dce17e5527165b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 22, 2013, 12:30:57 PM
Quote from: Amicale on February 22, 2013, 07:30:18 AM
Quote from: Tank on February 22, 2013, 07:27:25 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F551381_10151429825341730_751496027_n.jpg&hash=de27ccca90327f8aa4106e841eee72566827fe50)

;D I LOVE The Far Side.

Me too! My father had a whole collection which I would read over and over again ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 22, 2013, 02:01:09 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 22, 2013, 12:03:31 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F11208_458146404259407_2047000853_n.jpg&hash=133880b5dc804af328ec145252dce17e5527165b)
Hm. Expert, eh? Well, The Asmo can SEE the stuffed animals attempting to pass for the real thing. But then, The Asmo is the grandmaster of paranoia.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 22, 2013, 04:07:48 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-lt0.pinterest.com%2F550x%2Fda%2Fa1%2Fbb%2Fdaa1bb8687d50169797a237e06ad1272.jpg&hash=da9c6e6eb87165f93e8736e62b76dabb50837f4f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 22, 2013, 07:24:33 PM
Claire will love these Yorkshire jokes (possibly ;))

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.  Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi mi."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies, and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue o' yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a booen!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 07:49:27 PM
Q. What's the definition of a Yorkshireman?
A. A Scotsman with the generosity wrung out of him.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 22, 2013, 08:01:42 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/267946_437462916330701_1395879323_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 08:14:28 PM
Oi Oldgit watch it..... Jumbojak I take it back, I'll be the gunner ;)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on February 22, 2013, 08:17:31 PM
Quote from: OldGit on February 22, 2013, 07:24:33 PM
Claire will love these Yorkshire jokes (possibly ;))

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.  Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi mi."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies, and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue o' yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a booen!"

Brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 08:30:46 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 08:14:28 PM
Oi Oldgit watch it..... Jumbojak I take it back, I'll be the gunner ;)



Well now I've got to find a new loader! ???       **walks away grumbling abour well laid plans being ruined**
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 08:49:03 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 08:30:46 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 08:14:28 PM
Oi Oldgit watch it..... Jumbojak I take it back, I'll be the gunner ;)



Well now I've got to find a new loader! ???       **walks away grumbling abour well laid plans being ruined**

Problem sorted (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autoloader).  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 08:54:18 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 08:49:03 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 08:30:46 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 08:14:28 PM
Oi Oldgit watch it..... Jumbojak I take it back, I'll be the gunner ;)



Well now I've got to find a new loader! ???       **walks away grumbling abour well laid plans being ruined**

Problem sorted (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autoloader).  ;D

We'll be riding in a Abrams, thank you very much, which doesn't have an autoloader. Besides that, autoloaders are slower than having a person do the job, and in some vehicles have a nasty habit of tearing the gunners arm off at the shoulder and ranning it into the chamber with the shell. You don't want to take that sort of risk do you?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 22, 2013, 08:58:58 PM
I would be your loader, but I have already been signed on as one of Asmo's minions.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 09:01:33 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 08:54:18 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 08:49:03 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 08:30:46 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 08:14:28 PM
Oi Oldgit watch it..... Jumbojak I take it back, I'll be the gunner ;)



Well now I've got to find a new loader! ???       **walks away grumbling abour well laid plans being ruined**

Problem sorted (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autoloader).  ;D

We'll be riding in a Abrams, thank you very much, which doesn't have an autoloader. Besides that, autoloaders are slower than having a person do the job, and in some vehicles have a nasty habit of tearing the gunners arm off at the shoulder and ranning it into the chamber with the shell. You don't want to take that sort of risk do you?

Sounds a bit dangerous this war malarkey.  I'll stick to my original plan of looking pretty and making the tea, who needs feminism anyway?!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 22, 2013, 09:09:28 PM
+2 to OldGit - loved 'em!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 09:14:13 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on February 22, 2013, 08:58:58 PM
I would be your loader, but I have already been signed on as one of Asmo's minions.

Hmmm.... perhaps we can work out a minion exchange program.

Hey Asmo, do you have any use for a pretty woman who makes tea?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 09:31:29 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 09:14:13 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on February 22, 2013, 08:58:58 PM
I would be your loader, but I have already been signed on as one of Asmo's minions.

Hmmm.... perhaps we can work out a minion exchange program.

Hey Asmo, do you have any use for a pretty woman who makes tea?

:o MINION  :o      >:( >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 09:33:38 PM
I knew I shouldn't have said that out loud ..... forgiveness please?!?!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 09:53:34 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F419277_551448521543194_1924911305_n.jpg&hash=753adc1a635bce048a481980e83840cdb709f904)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 10:02:57 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 09:33:38 PM
I knew I shouldn't have said that out loud ..... forgiveness please?!?!

You are very lucky (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/minion)

QuoteOne who is highly esteemed or favored; a darling.
[French mignon, darling

An American saved by the French...there's a first!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 22, 2013, 10:36:18 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 09:14:13 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on February 22, 2013, 08:58:58 PM
I would be your loader, but I have already been signed on as one of Asmo's minions.

Hmmm.... perhaps we can work out a minion exchange program.

Hey Asmo, do you have any use for a pretty woman who makes tea?
Yes, The Asmo is hiring tea-making women to surround His gray and grumpy self with.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 23, 2013, 07:44:00 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F13986_499879996715619_1071326545_n.jpg&hash=540266f7b5755d815ca857362aecb8fc229be509)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 23, 2013, 08:47:46 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F17512_10151345493368860_1690036848_n.jpg&hash=d11815a62d8b301fc4a30b337a878bf1bb2d889f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 23, 2013, 09:30:51 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F179282_493924347338052_1077988820_n.jpg&hash=0fad3aeeca388c862a347f9088b69310a77b67c6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 23, 2013, 07:16:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F295627_508367415880356_1172864958_n.jpg&hash=8fa3510e349b686c5ef8c4d3de0919900ab704f9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2013, 03:43:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F421522_10151415280617870_966796779_n.jpg&hash=a1147e50f1f5ff5857661e30e82709933e134a09)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2013, 04:25:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F306160_453901788011482_17347100_n.jpg&hash=5ef7700cafb9c6e059b254a9b1940d2a046c84f8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 24, 2013, 08:19:34 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m72b8gK50c1qzcv7no1_500.jpg&hash=3a1496e1584054345f4032ee62017ca3a2c485ae)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 24, 2013, 09:15:41 PM
Because I was asked to post this.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash4%2F399884_314059005291292_1100895903_n.jpg&hash=f3f1cfe0a77eece0d9cb4fe7e2e31f86c94691f8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2013, 09:18:01 PM
^^^  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2013, 09:44:05 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F207391_4983414736667_1242409793_n.jpg&hash=921187b1d124c23c33afec73e04513ee6f70a997)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 25, 2013, 10:40:54 AM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 25, 2013, 12:59:49 PM
Quote from: OldGit on February 25, 2013, 10:40:54 AM
^ Excellent!
That was me of course!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 25, 2013, 02:04:35 PM
Quote from: Sweetdeath on February 24, 2013, 08:19:34 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m72b8gK50c1qzcv7no1_500.jpg&hash=3a1496e1584054345f4032ee62017ca3a2c485ae)

Maybe she was announcing a movie:

"School 2: Easy for Kids... this time, it's impersonal!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 25, 2013, 06:11:35 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on February 24, 2013, 09:15:41 PM
Because I was asked to post this.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash4%2F399884_314059005291292_1100895903_n.jpg&hash=f3f1cfe0a77eece0d9cb4fe7e2e31f86c94691f8)

I am completely missing the joke here. Is it because the kid is wearing a Penn State hat?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 26, 2013, 05:46:07 AM
Paddy was in the pub having a few. He had quite a few and the hour had become late. So he had a couple more drinks as a nightcap.
He got off the bar stool and fell on his face. He grabbed the corner of the bar and pulled himself up but promtly fell on his face when he let go.
He crawled to the door and used the door frame to lift himself, hoping to get a breath of fresh air. He let go the door frame and fell on his face. He said; I must be more drunk than I thought...His house was only a few hundred meters up the street so he crawled all the way home. He crawled inside and finally mustered the strength to crawl to his bed.

In the morning, his wife woke him and said; Paddy you must have gotten very drunk last night and had to crawl all the way home.
Yes I did Paddy said. How ever did you know that?
She said; you left your wheelchair at the pub.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 26, 2013, 07:36:31 AM
^^^  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 26, 2013, 07:51:39 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F482450_501021923268093_720032820_n.jpg&hash=3737265ff5ebdfe88b98db8bed0a5930cbd165f6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 27, 2013, 12:20:15 AM
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 27, 2013, 03:36:24 AM
That ones a goodie Guardian. A salute to ninja wit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 27, 2013, 10:58:26 AM
^^ Good one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on February 27, 2013, 01:40:14 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/549912_529101513778457_1485009447_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 27, 2013, 04:28:54 PM
^^^ I'm not very good at cross word puzzles, but even I worked that one out (in the end).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 27, 2013, 04:56:08 PM
It's just one damned word repeating itself. And why did they provide the answer?  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 27, 2013, 08:14:49 PM
^  I believe both weaknesses were intentional, O Grey One, in the interests of what is known as humour. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 28, 2013, 01:33:41 AM
Ah. Yes, well... The Asmo is displeased with it.  >:( Ruin nice crossword..!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 28, 2013, 09:50:12 AM
Gave me a chuckle still  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 28, 2013, 11:57:34 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F533209_10151503292015729_1833122896_n.jpg&hash=1d95d9653ccdf628ffe9828f6eabb0db352cd8c8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 28, 2013, 02:41:48 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F559866_10151334285357613_776360063_n.jpg&hash=cfbef82c4b174e1705d5856d35bbc9ef25a07347)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 28, 2013, 03:15:03 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 28, 2013, 11:57:34 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F533209_10151503292015729_1833122896_n.jpg&hash=1d95d9653ccdf628ffe9828f6eabb0db352cd8c8)

Very clever!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 28, 2013, 04:13:59 PM
Pope planning 'massive' leaving do

Plans are said to be well underway at the Vatican to mark the departure today of Pope Benedict XVI with what Cardinals are excitedly describing as 'an almighty piss-up'.
'We'll start early in the afternoon at the Vatican with several bottles of communion wine and a buffet of wafer biscuits,' said 87-year-old Cardinal Giovanni Cappa. 'Then we'll move on to an exclusive nightclub just round the corner and really get stuck into some Jägerbombs. The last time we arranged a leaving do for a Pope was in 1414 so we're a little out of practice, but priests' hobbies haven't changed much since then, and none of us have wives so there's no problem getting a pass for the night.'

The main part of the evening will be spent at the Vatican's favourite nightspot, The Chorister's Crotchet, where a table has been specially reserved. 'The Pope and his posse of Cardinals will be entertained by our finest young choirboys dancing and draping themselves seductively across replica altars,' said club promoter, Roberto di Lorenzo. 'They might occasionally glimpse a bit of ankle flashed from beneath a cassock, but if they want to see more or adjourn to the vestry for a private dance, they'll have to slip a €20 note onto the choirboy's collection tray just like everyone else.'

Before the evening gets underway the Pope is expected to finish his official duties by deleting all his emails and setting up his out-of-office message insisting he knew nothing about child abuse allegations. He'll then be presented with a 'Sorry-you're-leaving' card which all the Cardinals have signed, some Marks and Spencer vouchers from a Vatican whip-around, and jokingly teased about the time on 1 April when his Cardinals presented him with a draft speech advocating women priests, gay marriage and the use of contraceptives.
Once the celebrations are over, Cardinals will go into conclave to pray and seek divine guidance on who the next Pope should be. 'It's actually just some quiet time for us to ride out our hangovers,' said Cardinal Cappa. 'We do pray, though. I usually spend most of the next day on the big white telephone to God.'

Newsbiscuit (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/02/27/pope-planning-massive-leaving-do/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 01, 2013, 09:32:34 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwumocomicstrip.com%2Fimg%2Fstrip%2F-WM_strip_DK_20130208.jpg&hash=b64b50a3cb5af4422abbbc040115aa5d34712a69)

There are loads of these here WUMO (http://wumocomicstrip.com/2013/02/08/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xXxWashburnxXx on March 01, 2013, 09:46:45 AM
'I was at the beach and heard a man yell "HELP! SHARK HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on March 01, 2013, 10:22:35 AM
Haha, i liked that one.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 01, 2013, 07:23:48 PM
Quote from: xXxWashburnxXx on March 01, 2013, 09:46:45 AM
'I was at the beach and heard a man yell "HELP! SHARK HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.'
Maybe it was a nurse shark, yes? Those are helpful, no?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 01, 2013, 08:54:30 PM
Hearded Cats.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F540775_515455748497467_1087048771_n.jpg&hash=3b159fa079d6bb01bcb10ec6ea99b68c81c4ac4e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on March 01, 2013, 08:59:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FgxIgfwX.jpg&hash=0a397198832a7e89067619814540489ce5662365)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on March 02, 2013, 12:03:19 AM
Hahahaha!! I almost choked on my coffee. That was a good one. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 03, 2013, 02:04:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F11176_462134680527246_1324968453_n.jpg&hash=43d85876996f89c28a238f26029ae79e74e36ed8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 04, 2013, 05:52:28 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F574997_581381991873925_258656319_n.jpg&hash=b68919ea2c2cc0fb1d75fafa83090730267fde53)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 04, 2013, 11:09:07 AM

Pensioner mistakes mineshaft for 3D pavement art

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newsbiscuit.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F03%2F353-sinkhole.jpg&hash=48652dadc02acf76afdc4d6036c2bc0f7c49b08b)

In a tragic case of life-imitating-pavement-art, Black Country pensioner Enoch Beasley fell into a massive mineshaft which had opened up in front of his local pub, The Miner's Arms in Tipton.

The incident was witnessed by several passers-by including chip shop owner Bob Kendall. 'I was walking behind the old chap when he kind of paused like and put one foot in front of the other before going arse over apex down the hole. I managed to catch hold of his cap but the rest of him disappeared in a shot. Only yesterday we had this bloke with dreadlocks drawing gaping holes on the pavement so I blame him for any confusion.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 04, 2013, 11:54:41 AM
Not sure if this IS a joke. But it made me giggle  :D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F484911_10151316389272584_363082007_n.jpg&hash=ff5d5a134e7d3d29bd176a1f847772664cd358d4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 05, 2013, 06:57:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F378372_542582955786209_473251365_n.jpg&hash=43af5a7c01461d6106de86e34aedaa11eeb170da)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 05, 2013, 07:43:20 AM
That cat, it is approved by Der Aschmo!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on March 05, 2013, 10:20:09 AM
Quote from: Tank on March 03, 2013, 02:04:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F11176_462134680527246_1324968453_n.jpg&hash=43d85876996f89c28a238f26029ae79e74e36ed8)
omg, i want this so bad for my morning cup!!!


And yes, der kitten.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 05, 2013, 04:19:24 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F540876_10151456660861730_1239921092_n.jpg&hash=5e0c989a0e06608e5670653cacde6bfc0b07ffe7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 06, 2013, 08:02:32 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F306188_614809905211107_860051292_n.jpg&hash=e4aba643eb989b69621ff0bb8314f095b30a678e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 06, 2013, 08:14:38 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F549885_623711844320997_978225857_n.jpg&hash=f678665cbc074027af29ad1117de6f0bf12f4b1a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 06, 2013, 08:41:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F602045_504433856260233_2143484034_n.jpg&hash=040b67d1e2436d872e1d409c97ae397354414ccd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 06, 2013, 09:54:41 AM
Quote from: Tank on March 06, 2013, 08:14:38 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F549885_623711844320997_978225857_n.jpg&hash=f678665cbc074027af29ad1117de6f0bf12f4b1a)

Awesome!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on March 06, 2013, 08:23:40 PM
Remember that "School two easy" picture that I had said was from my local news station? The lovely South Bend delivers again.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fbw4e0o2.jpg&hash=69390c07cb3d85983e9ad6c0760ea20861d3658b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 06, 2013, 09:30:49 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fserve.mysmiley.net%2Fhappy%2Fhappy0065.gif&hash=0ad71e190df8801419bf9f76dbdd3bd132c85007) (http://www.mysmiley.net/free-winking-smileys.php) (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fserve.mysmiley.net%2Fhappy%2Fhappy0158.gif&hash=212154c8a0c0b3d7f23dbfe9d17dce6f6535a990) (http://www.blueislandsdiving.com) (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fserve.mysmiley.net%2Fhappy%2Fhappy0064.gif&hash=5a20bf56d2ab626e7e9deb1cc05ae02e9adadb01) (http://www.mysmiley.net)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 06, 2013, 10:48:48 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on March 06, 2013, 08:23:40 PM
Remember that "School two easy" picture that I had said was from my local news station? The lovely South Bend delivers again.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fbw4e0o2.jpg&hash=69390c07cb3d85983e9ad6c0760ea20861d3658b)
That can't be real!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on March 06, 2013, 11:26:06 PM
Oh it was. This happened a while ago and has since been taken down but I saw it when it was up.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 07, 2013, 12:07:24 AM
Quote from: Tank on March 06, 2013, 10:48:48 PM
That can't be real!
I don't see the problem. Advertising pube schools in a discreet, non-flashy way like that is... How I'd like to see everything advertised.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on March 07, 2013, 12:23:41 AM
Another from the Twitter of Northern Indiana's news station.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FCCX3BWp.png&hash=c6c8d0a769b961f1a512a6e016a5a2cb2fa7ba53)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 01:08:37 AM
Read this on another site. I thought it was pretty funny.
A burglar is breaking into a window of a house and he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He freezes then starts unplugging the TV and hears, "Jesus is watching you." Then he shines his flashlight at the parrot and says, "That you talking?" The parrot says, "Yes, I'm Moses." The burglar says, "Who calls a parrot Moses?" and the parrot says, "The same person who called the Rottweiler Jesus."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 01:53:02 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-snc7%2F484371_625233584160789_1544665289_n.jpg&hash=3cf7e3f0d643bebcae1c6196bfe42b6603445bc1)
I don't think I double-post too much.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 08, 2013, 07:49:26 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F26338_10151462216376730_158663548_n.jpg&hash=b1d1994e8285a9134c42319f8ac598be605bdb54)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 08, 2013, 11:05:54 AM
JOB INTERVIEW

Interviewer: 'What's your greatest weakness?'
Candidate: 'Honesty.'
Interviewer: 'Honesty?  I don't think that's a weakness.'
Candidate: 'I don't give a shit what you think.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 12:38:13 PM
Honesty doesn't get one far at all.
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdailypicksandflicks.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F07%2Fsuddenly-an-oven.jpg&hash=3f19d83135b8bda6122dda007bdb121eb1feab04)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 01:22:24 PM
Fake.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 02:28:36 PM
Hello, Buzz Killington.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 08, 2013, 04:48:39 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 01:22:24 PM
Fake.
Or staged. Either way 'fake' as there is no damage to the oven.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 05:28:40 PM
Quote from: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 02:28:36 PM
Hello, Buzz Killington.
That's His Buzzy Gray Killongtonness, Asmo The Divinely Terrible Grumpy Lump.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 08, 2013, 06:04:11 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F734528_270647253069118_1093864431_n.jpg&hash=091816aa806a05e8b45cdf2c82903612e05ca488)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 08:13:18 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 05:28:40 PM
Quote from: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 02:28:36 PM
Hello, Buzz Killington.
That's His Buzzy Gray Killongtonness, Asmo The Divinely Terrible Grumpy Lump.  >:(
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F-pyp0YH10Uko%2FUCR88C07RpI%2FAAAAAAAAA70%2FEbSOA3b3dbY%2Fs1600%2Ffuck-that-guy-dumb-bitch-yao-ming-rage-face-231x300.png&hash=f86a1468d14041c050c30f553489ea0fd6aa85ae)
Ha! No.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 08:18:11 PM
Yes.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 08:19:21 PM
Nope.
Wanna fight about it?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 08:28:37 PM
Yes.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 08:31:01 PM
What if I told you...
...I've already won?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 09:16:07 PM
Wouldn't work. Asmos are distrustful by nature  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 08, 2013, 09:22:34 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-snc7%2F388992_10151013036248369_1216824886_n.jpg&hash=a53b45521d2209566c0a1ba75631f2ef3621f8d7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 10:30:48 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on March 08, 2013, 09:22:34 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-snc7%2F388992_10151013036248369_1216824886_n.jpg&hash=a53b45521d2209566c0a1ba75631f2ef3621f8d7)
Would that not be (i(sqrt(shit)))^2 = i^2*shit = -shit?

How does negative shit indicate the reality of positive shit?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 08, 2013, 11:02:19 PM
I think I've had too much gin as it made sense at the time!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on March 09, 2013, 01:05:49 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 10:30:48 PM
How does negative shit indicate the reality of positive shit?

Because you usually use the word shit in a negative context.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 09, 2013, 01:58:03 AM
This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so fucking fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 09, 2013, 07:40:10 AM
Quote from: Crow on March 09, 2013, 01:05:49 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 10:30:48 PM
How does negative shit indicate the reality of positive shit?

Because you usually use the word shit in a negative context.
Ah! Touché.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 09, 2013, 10:59:06 AM
Shit, like electric current, flows from negative to positive by the movement of small particles of shit.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 09, 2013, 02:14:29 PM
Quote from: OldGit on March 09, 2013, 10:59:06 AM
Shit, like electric current, flows from negative to positive by the movement of small particles of shit.  :D

... those are called "shitons"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 09, 2013, 11:24:50 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F226502_10152179339730400_274666536_n.jpg&hash=5765d276192e159baae241cded8e2246eadc5671)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 09, 2013, 11:31:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F398816_617122824979815_10829718_n.jpg&hash=a4404d96095d656c03168f1b500f5fc296ca766a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 09, 2013, 11:41:09 PM
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager  and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 10, 2013, 05:38:03 PM
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Enda Kenny, said, "I am the Prime Minister of Ireland and I am the smartest man in Ireland's history, so Irish people don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America."  So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could.  I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you, Ireland's smartest man took my schoolbag."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 12, 2013, 07:14:24 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F69846_466496450091069_1595999386_n.jpg&hash=ec96183ff3f66b48776001abe96b70e886be9e95)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 12, 2013, 10:47:01 AM
The hot favourite for Pope:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FInnocentXIV_zpsf4cacb6c.jpg&hash=a8ae6e513c2357935804dcb46547889428c41277)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 13, 2013, 01:22:27 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-snc7%2F1630_431487746928918_1001003924_n.jpg&hash=1a994fb8946def596a5523c1cc37bcf1f6a0cbfe)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 13, 2013, 08:35:29 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F199077_473115656089547_1097933565_n.jpg&hash=2cc442a74725273e6d47ca10d1c755275c96e566)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 15, 2013, 03:27:53 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3-ec.buzzfed.com%2Fstatic%2Fenhanced%2Fwebdr01%2F2013%2F3%2F14%2F13%2Fanigif_enhanced-buzz-25275-1363281063-11.gif&hash=08dad6c5daab591649487dd6f8b1702744ceea51)

Now watch the dogs faces!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 15, 2013, 03:39:18 PM
Quote from: Tank on March 15, 2013, 03:27:53 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3-ec.buzzfed.com%2Fstatic%2Fenhanced%2Fwebdr01%2F2013%2F3%2F14%2F13%2Fanigif_enhanced-buzz-25275-1363281063-11.gif&hash=08dad6c5daab591649487dd6f8b1702744ceea51)

Now watch the dogs faces!

... and the other cat doesn't even notice...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 16, 2013, 01:09:01 AM
In Ireland, what's the difference between a wedding and a wake?
There's one less drunk at a wake.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 16, 2013, 09:21:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F482757_600371373324428_1335691502_n.jpg&hash=13a393c3bbd1051e57286c48288009465247c93b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 16, 2013, 02:20:06 PM
Vegetable governments #23

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fdicktater_zpsdd3cffa3.jpg&hash=46378feb19bbce00b6d782b7ca76e97bd3402b86)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 16, 2013, 09:41:38 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-frc1%2F734572_485838001464090_1166846420_n.png&hash=e1bd13ea9b259ee9031a60c92672b3377694588b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 16, 2013, 10:08:35 PM
Quote from: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 16, 2013, 09:41:38 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-frc1%2F734572_485838001464090_1166846420_n.png&hash=e1bd13ea9b259ee9031a60c92672b3377694588b)
Drug down a hole, eh? I may not know what fear is... Spelling, on the other hand... I do know a little about that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 17, 2013, 04:42:07 AM
Livingston was tramping through the African jungle when he came upon a woman from an local tribe.  Livingston said to her; Ubangi?  She said; Ubetcha.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 17, 2013, 06:46:02 AM
Quote from: Icarus on March 17, 2013, 04:42:07 AM
Livingston was tramping through the African jungle when he came upon a woman from an local tribe.  Livingston said to her; Ubangi?  She said; Ubetcha.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg233.imageshack.us%2Fimg233%2F1728%2Feusadoh.gif&hash=80d966d3141a12a00d484ff237e366bd88616709)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 17, 2013, 03:14:34 PM
Quote from: Icarus on March 17, 2013, 04:42:07 AM
Livingston was tramping through the African jungle when he came upon a woman from an local tribe.  Livingston said to her; Ubangi?  She said; Ubetcha.

"While I was in Africa, I played cards with the natives."
"Zulus?"
"No, I won!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 17, 2013, 07:50:52 PM
"My wife's gone to the West Indies."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own free will."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 18, 2013, 12:45:29 AM
"I hear there's some great fishing up in Alaska."
"I've got an uncle who lives in Alaska, but I forget where."
"Nome?"
"Of course I know 'im!  He's my uncle!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 18, 2013, 02:55:54 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 16, 2013, 10:08:35 PM
I may not know what fear is...
Lies!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 18, 2013, 09:13:35 AM
"My wife's gone to the East Indies."
"Djakarta?"
"No, she went by boat."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 18, 2013, 10:24:35 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffreethoughtblogs.com%2Frodda%2Ffiles%2F2013%2F03%2F12.jpg&hash=61cdc9ee6d4018bdf094ce1d6b42259bf3259517)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 18, 2013, 04:25:56 PM
I REALLY hope these are true  ;D......


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 18, 2013, 05:34:23 PM
Quote from: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 18, 2013, 02:55:54 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 16, 2013, 10:08:35 PM
I may not know what fear is...
Lies!
Well, obviously!  ::) How could The Asmo make instilling fear in general population as efficient as He has without knowing what it is?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on March 18, 2013, 09:03:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F49yALmd.jpg&hash=b44f2b01d26174870d4f0a13cb52b6a82f80e931)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 20, 2013, 01:54:44 AM
Perhaps this should go in the science section as it involves chemistry. In deference to out main science contributor, Tank, I will post it here.

The Amazon forest has a very strange bird that the indiginous people call a Foo bird.  The bird has exotic plumage that was once coveted by the milliners of high society Europe. These creatures are usually found around the Amazon river basin. Something about their diet and internal bacterial components causes them to have a particularly caustic excrement. In fact it is dangerously caustic and has a chemical constituent that reacts violently in the presence of oxygen and/or hydrogen.

Explorers learned of this during the early 1900s. Here is what happens. The birds very often have diahrhea and are obliged to eliminate frequently. They are upset by human presence and they like to poop on human intruders. The serious problem is that you must not wash off the mess from the Foo birds doings. The chemical composition when exposed to water, which is composed of hydrogen and oxygen, causes lasting and excruciating pain and almost invariably leaves serious and permanent scars.
.
.
.
.


In case any of you ever visit the rain forest be very wary of the bird. In the worst case scenario.......If the Foo shits wear it.
.
.
.
.
.
Uh Oh!  With such a horrible clinker, I might be banned from the forum.  :-[


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 20, 2013, 11:33:18 AM
I've heard worse.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 22, 2013, 02:37:46 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F224785_456552297748828_1570904555_n.jpg&hash=194273093bde75b48a36a70d1b21cd24323e12ae)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 23, 2013, 02:30:31 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FATT1824b_zpsda208c35.jpg&hash=6acbf64ad479cf848458007468182d790b0d1a94)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 23, 2013, 06:48:10 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/384082_496352570422478_812009516_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: En_Route on March 23, 2013, 06:51:41 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on March 23, 2013, 06:48:10 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/384082_496352570422478_812009516_n.jpg)

Just don't open a bank account there.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on March 23, 2013, 06:56:20 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on March 23, 2013, 06:48:10 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/384082_496352570422478_812009516_n.jpg)

reverse that for cyprus, but replace summer with rain
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 24, 2013, 02:31:20 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F72303_483500581715724_1339081856_n.jpg&hash=95a946d3c14ee0a671b6c954633899e5dea868a7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 24, 2013, 05:35:22 AM
Quote from: Tank on March 24, 2013, 02:31:20 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F72303_483500581715724_1339081856_n.jpg&hash=95a946d3c14ee0a671b6c954633899e5dea868a7)

They turned him into Robocop.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 24, 2013, 08:04:08 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on March 24, 2013, 05:35:22 AM
Quote from: Tank on March 24, 2013, 02:31:20 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F72303_483500581715724_1339081856_n.jpg&hash=95a946d3c14ee0a671b6c954633899e5dea868a7)

They turned him into Robocop.
The heroic little mouse will rescue it, just you wait! The Power of Asmo is with it. (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.createblog.com%2Fforums%2Fstyle_emoticons%2Fdefault%2Fnod.gif&hash=a1cff5505588bed87b8abfb6f4b98cfdd1b8a0ab)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 24, 2013, 08:10:01 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FATT88b_zps023511cd.jpg&hash=de09c036b0df6f3ff13769723a63d4489bcb4754)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 24, 2013, 08:16:31 PM
You know, there are situations where that sign would make sense. But then, there are those where it would not. Context would have been appreciated.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 24, 2013, 09:04:38 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 24, 2013, 08:16:31 PM
You know, there are situations where that sign would make sense. But then, there are those where it would not. Context would have been appreciated.

What situations? I've never seen a sign like that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 24, 2013, 09:08:09 PM
When it is positioned directly to the right of the path it is supposed to point to and it is obvious which path that is, in one instance. When it is to the left of the path it is supposed to point out or the path is not obvious in the other.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 25, 2013, 04:07:30 AM
More of a riddle than a joke, but judging by comments on Facebook 75% of people get the answer wrong.(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F482700_538018739571381_949139339_n.jpg&hash=effcf9aa1371a976dedc0bc318780e3562906799)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 25, 2013, 04:11:27 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on March 25, 2013, 04:07:30 AM
More of a riddle than a joke, but judging by comments on Facebook 75% of people get the answer wrong.(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F482700_538018739571381_949139339_n.jpg&hash=effcf9aa1371a976dedc0bc318780e3562906799)

I'm terrible at maths...they could have added some parenthesis there for clarity.  ???

What's the solution?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 25, 2013, 04:12:49 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on March 25, 2013, 04:11:27 AM
I'm terrible at maths...they could have added some parenthesis there for clarity.  ???
12. There are none needed. You evaluate multiplication first, then addition. It boils down to three rows of four ones (If you want to simplify it for yourself) with addition being the only operator, that gives rows*columns = 3*4 = 12.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 25, 2013, 04:15:30 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 25, 2013, 04:12:49 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on March 25, 2013, 04:11:27 AM
I'm terrible at maths...they could have added some parenthesis there for clarity.  ???
12. There are none needed. You evaluate multiplication first, then addition.

Exactly!!! You would think people would try plugging it into a calculator if they weren't sure. What's worse is how disparaging those who answered '1' were to the people who knew order of operations....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 25, 2013, 04:18:47 AM
That's exactly what I wasn't sure about :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 25, 2013, 01:40:49 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 25, 2013, 04:12:49 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on March 25, 2013, 04:11:27 AM
I'm terrible at maths...they could have added some parenthesis there for clarity.  ???
12. There are none needed. You evaluate multiplication first, then addition. It boils down to three rows of four ones (If you want to simplify it for yourself) with addition being the only operator, that gives rows*columns = 3*4 = 12.

I bow deeply to the great Asmathean!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 26, 2013, 08:40:01 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F600266_10152208227310400_1437856244_n.jpg&hash=1797f4bccdde7406947dd8a628b7460b28e813cf)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 26, 2013, 08:55:51 AM
Yeah... Pink background and shit... The Asmo would be grumpy too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 27, 2013, 10:35:09 PM
 JJ is messing with us.

The universally accepted order of operations goes like this. ......Bracket, Exponent, Multiply, Divide, Add, Subtract. The exception to this order is when an exponent occurs within the bracket then the exponent is dealt with before solving the bracket.  The english language mnemonic for MDAS is; "My Dear Aunt Sally".

Where no brackets (parenthesis) occurs in the example, we are instructed to add all the first eleven digits for a sum of eleven. The twelveth digit is multiplied by zero.  That kills that digit because any number multiplied by zero is zero. Now add the last digit (one) for a sum of 12 which is the correct answer if taken as displayed here.

Now! If the first eleven digits had been enclosed by a bracket and then multiplied by zero the result is zero and the only thing left is the last number one. ...Therefore the answer would be ONE.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 27, 2013, 10:43:40 PM
Quote from: Icarus on March 27, 2013, 10:35:09 PM
JJ is messing with us.

That's what I'm here for. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 28, 2013, 12:07:11 AM
Uh... Division is multiplication and substraction is addition. In an evaluation tree, brackets define subtrees that have to be evaluated before their root regardless of what that root is, other than that, you evaluate exponents, multiply and then add.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 28, 2013, 06:51:53 AM
I was always taught BODMAS.... Brackets, Order, Division, Multiplication,  Addition,  Subtraction. So I would divide before multiplying which is different to your mdas.  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 28, 2013, 07:10:13 AM
well having googled this I have learned something that I never appreciated before.  10-3+2 is actually 7 and not 5 as you think of the -3 as really adding negative 3. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 28, 2013, 08:23:34 AM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on March 28, 2013, 07:10:13 AM
well having googled this I have learned something that I never appreciated before.  10-3+2 is actually 7 and not 5 as you think of the -3 as really adding negative 3. 
Uh... 9.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 28, 2013, 08:30:21 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on March 28, 2013, 08:23:34 AM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on March 28, 2013, 07:10:13 AM
well having googled this I have learned something that I never appreciated before.  10-3+2 is actually 7 and not 5 as you think of the -3 as really adding negative 3. 
Uh... 9.

yes I meant 9!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 28, 2013, 02:22:15 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fforum.thinkhumanism.com%2Fdownload%2Ffile.php%3Fid%3D160&hash=46a0d8bbc25ed2949115d0235ae0f04473a4e851)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 28, 2013, 02:33:14 PM
I was walking across a bridge the other day and saw a man about to jump.
I said, 'Stop! Don't do it.'
'Why shouldn't I?' he asked.
'Well, are you a Christian?' I asked.
He said: 'Yes.'
I said, 'Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?'
'Protestant'.
'Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?'
'Baptist.'
'Wow! Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?'
'Baptist Church of God.'
'Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?'
'I'm Reformed Baptist Church of God.'
'Amazing. Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?
He said, 'Reformation of 1915.'
I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off the bridge....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 30, 2013, 09:10:16 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F545284_10151330175266244_2121790653_n.jpg&hash=d58c820274f6913eeccacbb28792a8df0067f660)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 30, 2013, 01:52:22 PM
Quote from: Tank on March 30, 2013, 09:10:16 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F545284_10151330175266244_2121790653_n.jpg&hash=d58c820274f6913eeccacbb28792a8df0067f660)

Aha!  The real reason the dinosaurs died off...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on March 30, 2013, 11:42:49 PM

Jesus is walking along one day, when He comes upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. Its obvious that the crowd is preparing to stone her, so Jesus shields her body and cries out with a loud voice: "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone!"

The crowd is shamed by this revelation of their hypocrisy, and one by one they start to turn away. But all of a sudden, a lovely little woman is seen making her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she hefts a rock at the adulteress.

Jesus looks over, sighs, and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 31, 2013, 12:32:23 AM
^ I didn't see that coming, good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 31, 2013, 11:05:33 AM
^^ Good one!  Took me a moment to catch on.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 01, 2013, 08:03:54 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F165480_547804521909212_1276049257_n.jpg&hash=4c3b0260b991552b0925100f0a113fd74e4795f0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 01, 2013, 02:26:36 PM
Outrage in Calvary as emergency services took three days to respond

Angry residents are demanding an immediate investigation into the case of a crucified man with serious injuries to his hands, feet and side who had to wait three days for paramedics to arrive on the scene.
Last seen out for a meal with his friends before being offered a lift 'home' by uniformed officials, the innocent victim of this so called religious hate crime has been named as one Jesus former resident of Bethlehem, Egypt, Nazareth and most recently Bethany. It is believed he had only just checked into a modest hotel in Jerusalem on a weekend city break with some mates having travelled the last part of his journey by donkey.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 01, 2013, 06:10:39 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F561406_511334502260076_787677147_n.jpg&hash=dafa5f61dfd9ec890525446d5741b6fc7a7eebd9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 02, 2013, 12:48:19 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F538136_337404199666962_1800714681_n.jpg&hash=8e7a0ec2a97d429503e8c68b392f4e10e901600a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 02, 2013, 12:49:11 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F539976_470589869680415_577638563_n.jpg&hash=dc54371c54ade91936d09aed39fff512d28b7312)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 03, 2013, 12:25:33 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F5fda%2F585y17m38by8p9u4g.jpg&hash=73831bda7456d3e93f6186c86a4f86a9c9a58f8d) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/?585y17m38by8p9u)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on April 03, 2013, 05:22:15 AM
^ Holy shit! It's true. :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 03, 2013, 07:01:19 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 03, 2013, 12:25:33 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F5fda%2F585y17m38by8p9u4g.jpg&hash=73831bda7456d3e93f6186c86a4f86a9c9a58f8d) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/?585y17m38by8p9u)
Holy fuck! It works!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 03, 2013, 07:11:28 AM
Why puill at your eyes rather than just sort of... Read it? It's just ye standard "3D" text, that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 03, 2013, 08:29:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F2498_10151509829936730_1673687820_n.jpg&hash=f44133a23271c4840c8627d0107226470d930ad7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 03, 2013, 09:20:31 PM
dunno why... but that just hit my funny bone dead on!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 04, 2013, 12:56:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F529537_638522572843866_2114005319_n.jpg&hash=b2c852bfde2f569bda7837a7b05c309a4bcac2bb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 04, 2013, 01:16:58 PM
Stolen from The Daily Mash (again):

PRINCE William and Kate Middleton's new Sandringham home will have indoor hunting facilities.

A royal spokesman said: "The house contains a large forest full of traditional quarry such as stags, foxes and pheasants, as well as more exotic species like okapi for a bit of variety.

"Ducks, grouse and snipe will be tied to the ceiling of the master bedroom, allowing the couple to have a relaxing morning's shooting from the comfort of their own bed.

"The royal baby's bedroom will contain more modest prey, such as squirrels, which the baby will be able to pick off with an air pistol from its cot."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 05, 2013, 07:59:03 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F533896_523382461037276_60044160_n.png&hash=fabfdcc67370e0b937bc88261e14b0c8e57f6c12)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 05, 2013, 10:14:29 AM
^ Good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on April 06, 2013, 08:28:52 PM
Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!


;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 06, 2013, 08:35:17 PM
Ha! Just shows how much effort you put into finding jokes! That just got posted on facebook!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on April 06, 2013, 08:37:35 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 06, 2013, 08:35:17 PM
Ha! Just shows how much effort you put into finding jokes! That just got posted on facebook!  :D

Because it's bloody brilliant!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 06, 2013, 10:37:28 PM
The couple had been married for twenty years. It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful. The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget. He cried out, "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!" She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 08, 2013, 05:00:15 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F59232_630452323646865_831585063_n.jpg&hash=02b217d60fb0057dd5b47ab306e13e72cf283f10)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 08, 2013, 10:03:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FATTB11_zpse9a4d1bd.jpg&hash=38eb11f00e5f31da2390e7bb5d8082e4f16bf2ba)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on April 08, 2013, 10:10:19 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.fjcdn.com%2Fpictures%2FFrance_80f7e2_1274129.jpg&hash=c0e4bff8f89b7c08650151d04c09ee50b0894b87)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 08, 2013, 10:51:56 AM
^ Might well be true!  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 08, 2013, 11:02:56 AM
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 08, 2013, 03:59:30 PM
Quote from: OldGit on April 08, 2013, 10:03:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FATTB11_zpse9a4d1bd.jpg&hash=38eb11f00e5f31da2390e7bb5d8082e4f16bf2ba)
Buying.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 11, 2013, 07:54:45 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F561197_512977712095765_1226887398_n.jpg&hash=0b704d276f7fcf8d254dd1f11bbe8d59230c35eb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 11, 2013, 11:33:46 AM
Don't get this one. A fat knight on a fat horse poling a fat, steaming dragon. Yes? Everyone seems to be doing exactly what they should..?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 11, 2013, 11:50:40 AM
I thought it was just me being too ancient to get the joke.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on April 11, 2013, 04:40:33 PM
Quote from: OldGit on April 11, 2013, 11:50:40 AM
I thought it was just me being too ancient to get the joke.  ;D

Really? I thought it was you on the horse....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 11, 2013, 05:18:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ffsm_mooning.gif&hash=a866e8722ea82b341c246cda4c70a9b859c724a7)  (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ffsm_mooning.gif&hash=a866e8722ea82b341c246cda4c70a9b859c724a7)  (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ffsm_mooning.gif&hash=a866e8722ea82b341c246cda4c70a9b859c724a7)  (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ffsm_mooning.gif&hash=a866e8722ea82b341c246cda4c70a9b859c724a7)  (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ffsm_mooning.gif&hash=a866e8722ea82b341c246cda4c70a9b859c724a7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 12, 2013, 10:08:53 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 11, 2013, 11:33:46 AM
Don't get this one. A fat knight on a fat horse poling a fat, steaming dragon. Yes? Everyone seems to be doing exactly what they should..?
The look of surprise on the Dragons face made me chortle  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 12, 2013, 12:14:30 PM
Q. Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?
A. Because proper tea is theft.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on April 12, 2013, 10:42:33 PM
Stolen from facebook...

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/524016_464966046909589_1957399091_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2013, 10:47:06 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on April 13, 2013, 01:36:17 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 12, 2013, 10:47:06 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

You told that one already. :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 13, 2013, 11:25:10 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on April 13, 2013, 01:36:17 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 12, 2013, 10:47:06 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

You told that one already. :P
I did? Sorry.  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 13, 2013, 08:54:23 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 13, 2013, 11:25:10 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on April 13, 2013, 01:36:17 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 12, 2013, 10:47:06 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

You told that one already. :P
I did? Sorry.  :-\
With 80 pages repetition is a requirement, not a problem.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 13, 2013, 08:54:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F14025_510648432330189_1185235222_n.jpg&hash=b945ae98fb40392196ed32aca7bce98b60f38e72)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 13, 2013, 11:40:18 PM
Trying again for something new:

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on April 16, 2013, 03:28:08 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/548869_501067213273648_1782845803_n.png)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 16, 2013, 05:16:04 PM
Well, wouldn't that be something to look up to..?  :(

Here, we have crime-crime. People steal, rape, do a spot of murdering on occasion, pretty much everyone commits traffic offences on regular basis... Pretty sure it's the same in Canada as well. Except maybe for the imported hookers and drug dealers and those nasty-ass gypsy beggars, but I do not include them in the "people" cathegory.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 17, 2013, 12:32:08 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 16, 2013, 05:16:04 PM
Well, wouldn't that be something to look up to..?  :(

Here, we have crime-crime. People steal, rape, do a spot of murdering on occasion, pretty much everyone commits traffic offences on regular basis... Pretty sure it's the same in Canada as well. Except maybe for the imported hookers and drug dealers and those nasty-ass gypsy beggars, but I do not include them in the "people" cathegory.

You mean slaves?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 17, 2013, 02:23:44 AM
Uh... What?  ??? Where do slaves fit in to what I'm talking about?

Even if they are doing what they do against their will, they should still be removed from all the nice streets.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on April 17, 2013, 08:11:21 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 16, 2013, 05:16:04 PM
Well, wouldn't that be something to look up to..?  :(

Here, we have crime-crime. People steal, rape, do a spot of murdering on occasion, pretty much everyone commits traffic offences on regular basis... Pretty sure it's the same in Canada as well. Except maybe for the imported hookers and drug dealers and those nasty-ass gypsy beggars, but I do not include them in the "people" cathegory.

Don't think we have many imported hookers. Ours appear to be all home-grown Canadian Grade A (or B or C or F) prostitutes. Other than that, sounds about right. We have a fair chunk of hippies, but there are plenty of hosers to mess up our peace-lovin' groove with their grubby violence.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 17, 2013, 02:22:16 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 17, 2013, 02:23:44 AM
Uh... What?  ??? Where do slaves fit in to what I'm talking about?

Even if they are doing what they do against their will, they should still be removed from all the nice streets.

Your street hookers aren't likely to be illegal immigrants usually smack heads but the majority of the illegal immigrants that are prostitutes are usually sex slaves as  authorities are all over your street hookers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 17, 2013, 02:26:16 PM
Buying sex is the illegal thing, not selling. However, it is also illegal not to pay taxes, be in the country without legal permission and so on. And their methods of trying to get some customers are extremely annoying. They would be so even if those hookers were anywhere near attractive.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on April 19, 2013, 05:00:14 AM
Jeff Foxworthy said this about Indiana:
**If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Indiana.
**If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Indiana.
**If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Indiana.
**If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Fort Wayne for the weekend, you may live in Indiana.
**If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you have switched from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you can drive 75 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Indiana.
**If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Indiana.
**If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Indiana.
**If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Indiana.
**If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Indiana.
**If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know all four seasons are: Almost winter, Winter, Still winter and Road Construction, you may live in Indiana.
**If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Indiana.
**If you find 10° "a little chilly", you may live in Indiana.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 19, 2013, 11:31:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F164274_10151372134316603_265656211_n.jpg&hash=01efcbacaee222a20466ef36e014a4cfcfb67439)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 19, 2013, 01:48:12 PM
Quote from: NoHandlebarsAttached on April 19, 2013, 05:00:14 AM
Jeff Foxworthy said this about Indiana:
**If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Indiana.
**If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Indiana.
**If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Indiana.
**If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Fort Wayne for the weekend, you may live in Indiana.
**If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you have switched from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you can drive 75 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Indiana.
**If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Indiana.
**If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Indiana.
**If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Indiana.
**If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Indiana.
**If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know all four seasons are: Almost winter, Winter, Still winter and Road Construction, you may live in Indiana.
**If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Indiana.
**If you find 10° "a little chilly", you may live in Indiana.

Indiana is apparently a lot like Norway in some cases.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 19, 2013, 02:04:16 PM
Except more flat and boring.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 19, 2013, 05:23:54 PM
Also, if we do 75 mph in described weather conditions, a policeman will come and... Well, scrape our brains off some random tree, really. Our roads have bends, you see. And at those speeds, no car-driver combo can do those well on regular winter rubbies.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on April 19, 2013, 06:57:55 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 19, 2013, 05:23:54 PM
Also, if we do 75 mph in described weather conditions, a policeman will come and... Well, scrape our brains off some random tree, really. Our roads have bends, you see. And at those speeds, no car-driver combo can do those well on regular winter rubbies.
We don't need bends. We lack hills!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 20, 2013, 06:14:30 PM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 20, 2013, 07:40:25 PM
OldGit for the win!  Loved it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on April 20, 2013, 09:12:22 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/417910_143467409173546_1098177431_n.jpg)
Quote from: OldGit on April 20, 2013, 06:14:30 PM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted.
:D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 20, 2013, 11:40:55 PM
^^^ Me too. I nominate Old Git for the win. He's a dirty old man isn't he?  (grin)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 21, 2013, 10:05:24 AM
Thank you, folks.

Quote from: IcarusHe's a dirty old man isn't he?  (grin)

Compliments!  I love it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 21, 2013, 04:41:45 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F562341_464410990295277_1608116161_n.jpg&hash=9d6366a2c99219db624e1de6222406410b2d499a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 21, 2013, 04:48:55 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.  She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 21, 2013, 04:52:43 PM
 :D Are you getting these from 'The Carry On Joke Book.'?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 21, 2013, 05:55:48 PM
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 22, 2013, 09:16:00 AM
^  Brilliant! ;D


Quote from: Tank:D Are you getting these from 'The Carry On Joke Book.'?

I am stealing them, of course, but not from there.    ;)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 22, 2013, 01:19:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F562371_537934896257436_1641377510_n.jpg&hash=c7148b99aa69b899510b4f96a7295b289e441d43)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 22, 2013, 02:59:06 PM
Bushwhacked (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FSpQLsUmVQ)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 23, 2013, 02:31:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2Fp480x480%2F425815_10151814830977892_31300680_n.jpg&hash=622de17ab5ad721694a9747d44a657b9ccb10cd6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 23, 2013, 02:46:44 PM
^See, I love that photo, and if it were me I'd commission a painting of a doctor hedgehog to proudly display by my office.  I have a friend who'd paint it for me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 26, 2013, 11:35:26 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F305778_487081161365931_1883883755_n.jpg&hash=91c8cb6031eda74102228db4abb08e872c0730ff)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 28, 2013, 07:54:04 AM
So true!!!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F11955_503736433006726_1299947595_n.jpg&hash=f3ade7808c1e52d541499a6d8f417b1e9f80bc8b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 29, 2013, 06:58:14 AM
Tank, the stupid dipshit with the backward hat must surely be an American. We have unimaginably dumb fashions here. Backward caps are de riguer. Among the worst offenders are young boys or infantile men who deliberately, fashionably, and opposed to any vestige of common sense, wear their pants with the belt lines below their buttocks. Their underpants are often garishly decorated or colored. The object is apparently to display their taste in underwear. The dumb bastards have not enough sense to wear suspenders and the result is that they have to hold their pants up with one or both hands. To see them walk is to see a clownish gait. Let us hope that the Brit kids have not embraced that kind of absurd exhibitionism.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 29, 2013, 07:25:42 AM
I've seen photos the fashion you speak off. I'm sure they'll be some UK kids that will try it, but I've not seen any in the flesh.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Willow on April 29, 2013, 06:22:18 PM
Tee hee hee, suspenders means something a bit different here.  Braces hold up your trousers, suspenders hold up your silk stockings.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 30, 2013, 01:40:09 PM
Quote from: WillowTee hee hee, suspenders means something a bit different here.  Braces hold up our trousers, suspenders hold up your pants.

FTFY, Willow!   ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 30, 2013, 11:27:35 PM
Thanks Willow. Suspenders in American speak also have an equivalent in hill billy speak. The HB word is gallusses.  Whenever I am in merry old England I will be careful to wear my braces, not suspenders or gallusses.  The ladies used to hold up their hosiery with garters. A ladies undergarmet ,or under pants, used to be called "step ins". Language is fun but it is also fraught with danger when in unfamiliar social circles.

Git, my mental acuity is suffering today. What the hell is FTFY?  Is that a private Brit acronym?.....I am consulting my little pocket sized texting dictionary... Hmmmm, I find FTTB= for the time being, FTL= faster than light, FTBOMH= from the bottom of my heart, FTLOG= for the love of god..... and so on. Damned kids have invented a whole new language with which to baffle hopeless geriatric cases like me. (TISNF = this is so not fair)  :'(

It appears that you are onto them and they'll not defeat you with simplistic alphabetic jargon.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 01, 2013, 07:21:12 AM
Quote from: Icarus on April 30, 2013, 11:27:35 PM
...

Git, my mental acuity is suffering today. What the hell is FTFY?  Is that a private Brit acronym?.....I am consulting my little pocket sized texting dictionary... Hmmmm, I find FTTB= for the time being, FTL= faster than light, FTBOMH= from the bottom of my heart, FTLOG= for the love of god..... and so on. Damned kids have invented a whole new language with which to baffle hopeless geriatric cases like me. (TISNF = this is so not fair)  :'(

It appears that you are onto them and they'll not defeat you with simplistic alphabetic jargon.
OG changed Willow's post in the quote and the FTFY=Fixed That For You.

Also FYI (http://www.gaarde.org/acronyms/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 01, 2013, 08:15:04 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F947367_10151554537911730_339723966_n.jpg&hash=7e5c8b73381453659ef2f31b54dfeeb0c1f8318c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 01, 2013, 02:25:31 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpx6.streetfire.net%2F0001%2F62%2F96%2F1282669_600.jpg&hash=8a82d73c1fead12138b0b397e4e2afbd25f848a1)

Airbag problems, no doubt.  :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 01, 2013, 06:47:30 PM
No, I believe the only thing in there on that particular car is the horn.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 01, 2013, 07:31:08 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 01, 2013, 02:25:31 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpx6.streetfire.net%2F0001%2F62%2F96%2F1282669_600.jpg&hash=8a82d73c1fead12138b0b397e4e2afbd25f848a1)

Airbag problems, no doubt.  :)


Holy cow, Batman!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on May 01, 2013, 07:34:04 PM
My back hurts just looking at her chest.  :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 01, 2013, 11:51:41 PM
why would anyone ever want boobs that big!?!?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on May 02, 2013, 02:26:44 AM
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/941250_654643374553143_1295434909_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 02, 2013, 03:13:31 AM
Quote from: Icarus on May 01, 2013, 07:31:08 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 01, 2013, 02:25:31 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpx6.streetfire.net%2F0001%2F62%2F96%2F1282669_600.jpg&hash=8a82d73c1fead12138b0b397e4e2afbd25f848a1)

Airbag problems, no doubt.  :)


Holy sweater cows, Batman!

FTFY  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 02, 2013, 04:44:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F282382_481405488599257_1524289843_n.jpg&hash=431685ffde11e9a1553a1e8165bcb3cfb9e85633)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 02, 2013, 04:45:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F225606_481095091963630_1672414574_n.jpg&hash=dffdb9c8c9f9951a8942649265b3527cf16a1f74)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 03, 2013, 10:39:36 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F301914_596336817057751_1954494948_n.jpg&hash=fed16fde25a3c9e2913cd45fb26001ada432b260)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 03, 2013, 10:46:00 AM


ORGANISATIONAL CHART(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fshitflow_zps38911179.jpg&hash=231bde364f9dd13ddc1c443cf96c143583aa97a5) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/shitflow_zps38911179.jpg.html)

When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads; When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on May 03, 2013, 12:52:58 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 03, 2013, 10:46:00 AM


ORGANISATIONAL CHART(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fshitflow_zps38911179.jpg&hash=231bde364f9dd13ddc1c443cf96c143583aa97a5) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/shitflow_zps38911179.jpg.html)

When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads; When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes.
Hahahaha...nice one git. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 03, 2013, 05:20:20 PM
And so all is as it should be.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 04, 2013, 07:51:06 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F936387_487577284647329_1573101282_n.jpg&hash=389d9392af4befbd663c24381af9885713e6a726)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 04, 2013, 10:09:11 PM
Not directly a joke, I guess, but I laughed.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F922926_10151402357662227_161660847_n.jpg&hash=f91834a950a6d99549377c64692cde7b8c7ba88e)

Also I want it in poster form.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on May 04, 2013, 10:16:53 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on May 04, 2013, 10:09:11 PM
Also I want it in poster form.

As do I.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 05, 2013, 01:04:54 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on May 04, 2013, 10:16:53 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on May 04, 2013, 10:09:11 PM
Also I want it in poster form.
As do I.

Three, sir, three!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 05, 2013, 06:24:57 AM
One for my collection makes it FOUR.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 05, 2013, 08:13:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash3%2F944273_415064588592261_221558741_n.jpg&hash=814b33235fd7dc2716e448d5dcddd86e7704a374)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 07, 2013, 06:22:11 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F945585_10151564926176730_1301903058_n.jpg&hash=292da5d19024bdf19a9926cd0b8e9906386a68e9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 07, 2013, 06:26:01 AM
Quote from: Tank on May 07, 2013, 06:22:11 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F945585_10151564926176730_1301903058_n.jpg&hash=292da5d19024bdf19a9926cd0b8e9906386a68e9)
Love it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 07, 2013, 08:05:07 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F225608_529568870440266_277871056_n.jpg&hash=194b468cfae3f18b66bf0f95e51d1f95377d4a90)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 07, 2013, 02:50:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F295315_558627954203281_1944520492_n.jpg&hash=63b565843ea2443f571055d449a1ca58bbd3c629)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 07, 2013, 02:56:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F936963_10151565721171730_534075479_n.jpg&hash=f9525134936a684d5f3f3c179cb5bfb38a3fdea1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 08, 2013, 08:51:41 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F942215_545077922201981_2102275004_n.jpg&hash=fc0c5ec403c6a4cfc269226626ea82fd776be4d2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 08, 2013, 08:52:16 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F182340_510501812350655_1830297349_n.jpg&hash=9727aba7cbf6184765209d383776c442a9581104)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 08, 2013, 09:02:48 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F942429_646079168739465_1426263793_n.jpg&hash=6830f63bc281da62254d02d8771c8789ed283c41)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 10, 2013, 04:12:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F946705_10151570760536730_1319103762_n.jpg&hash=0586b6595084f38d5fcbe08097a6fdd76bfbc202)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 10, 2013, 04:41:25 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2013, 04:12:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F946705_10151570760536730_1319103762_n.jpg&hash=0586b6595084f38d5fcbe08097a6fdd76bfbc202)

... you come and go?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on May 10, 2013, 04:50:30 PM
Quote from: joeactor on May 10, 2013, 04:41:25 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 10, 2013, 04:12:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F946705_10151570760536730_1319103762_n.jpg&hash=0586b6595084f38d5fcbe08097a6fdd76bfbc202)

... you come and go?
Aye! Karma Chameleon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmcA9LIIXWw)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 10, 2013, 07:42:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F944300_10151569505706730_1958896991_n.jpg&hash=684dfeb576d18d932850024c0f9d1590eef038ba)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 10, 2013, 08:07:13 PM
It's karma, not comma, dammit!  >:(

A dreadfully terrible song too, if you ask His Terribleness.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 10, 2013, 08:14:05 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on May 10, 2013, 08:07:13 PM
It's karma, not comma, dammit!  >:(

A dreadfully terrible song too, if you ask His Terribleness.  >:(
But you still know the words  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 10, 2013, 08:56:03 PM
I only need to hear a song once or twice to know or at least recognize most of it unless it's very difficult to understand. One of the many drawbacks of excellent, if somewhat selective, memory.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Maz on May 11, 2013, 11:37:15 AM
LOL! i like this one, poor girl though ahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 11, 2013, 12:25:59 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F945576_10151904418109951_1070541245_n.jpg&hash=d29c81c0a76848acc0caacf6d36570958c4945d2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 12, 2013, 10:27:59 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F13020_425376584207564_312255164_n.jpg&hash=ec513a4c7744863f0b46989b1f6903879d03a9b9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Willow on May 13, 2013, 10:48:03 AM
Quote from: Tank on May 11, 2013, 12:25:59 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F945576_10151904418109951_1070541245_n.jpg&hash=d29c81c0a76848acc0caacf6d36570958c4945d2)
Unfortunately my local informant tells me that the real shop says "Helping Local Animals"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 13, 2013, 11:55:11 AM
Quote from: Willow on May 13, 2013, 10:48:03 AM
Quote from: Tank on May 11, 2013, 12:25:59 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F945576_10151904418109951_1070541245_n.jpg&hash=d29c81c0a76848acc0caacf6d36570958c4945d2)
Unfortunately my local informant tells me that the real shop says "Helping Local Animals"
Bugger!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 13, 2013, 01:16:47 PM
Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its testicles.
The first man says: "Blimey, I wish I could do that."
The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He might bite."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 13, 2013, 05:00:51 PM
OLD GIT'S WORDS OF WISDOM

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fheart_zpsabb17d53.jpg&hash=6cf90d151c074238a93ee2a6c91e78280faf551c) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/heart_zpsabb17d53.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 13, 2013, 05:59:20 PM
^ yep much more fun ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 14, 2013, 01:08:54 AM
^^ Git you are one bad assed dude. I appreciate you for that as well as your ever apparent scholarship. On the other hand our female members may not be as appreciative of your bawdiness.  ;D  On the second other hand I think that they are all pretty damned good sports about our chauvinism.

Shout out for our cool ladies.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 14, 2013, 07:20:05 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F946811_10151576413256730_410873449_n.jpg&hash=f037ed85916007457598002ca8ff58b7a4fa2f75)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on May 14, 2013, 06:02:11 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FdXvMNLs.jpg&hash=ccbdf5302e990959fb426c4bc2cab99c9dbcc92f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 14, 2013, 06:06:50 PM
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 14, 2013, 06:29:47 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 14, 2013, 07:20:05 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F946811_10151576413256730_410873449_n.jpg&hash=f037ed85916007457598002ca8ff58b7a4fa2f75)

... now *that's* something I didn't know about bananas! ;-)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 15, 2013, 10:24:13 AM
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.  So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on May 15, 2013, 10:51:48 AM
Quote from: OldGit on May 15, 2013, 10:24:13 AM
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.  So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

hahahaha
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 15, 2013, 10:34:04 PM
Well, I went looking for this...

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi286.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fll97%2Frockyv00%2F72-virgins-family-guy.jpg&hash=5fe9b872c14afdd54eb2063a03c564ac3b1af47f)

But this is way better:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffunnymail.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F11%2F72virgins1.jpg&hash=ff53322b9a3becc28834a380c7b9a3c163e4206b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on May 16, 2013, 01:57:39 AM
You see, I've always heard it was a simple typo and was supposed to be Virginians.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sandra Craft on May 16, 2013, 06:07:11 AM
A friend posted this on FB,

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm8.staticflickr.com%2F7282%2F8743790714_a5e00ee303.jpg&hash=6294efc3b87be9e7e65af39664bf0d90ddd229d9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 16, 2013, 07:19:03 AM
^^^  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on May 16, 2013, 10:46:41 AM
Quote from: BooksCatsEtc on May 16, 2013, 06:07:11 AM
A friend posted this on FB,

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm8.staticflickr.com%2F7282%2F8743790714_a5e00ee303.jpg&hash=6294efc3b87be9e7e65af39664bf0d90ddd229d9)

That is rather sexist. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 16, 2013, 04:54:55 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F283931_10151625882239976_1397838882_n.jpg&hash=803fa27b85afde495cd071ad57f4ab37572c45b8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 17, 2013, 10:13:09 PM
Am I the last to discover a you tube series called; Somegreybloke?  British humor (humour), which is often hilarious.  If you have not found that one, then do give it a go.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 18, 2013, 09:51:50 AM
I'll look for that, Icarus.  Thanks.

ETA:  Wife comes home from the doctor's and is very flustered, very uptight. Husband asks "What's wrong?"
Wife says "I went to the doctor. He examined me and he said I had a nice va-jay-jay!"
"WHAT?" says the husband, and charges off to the doctor's. He bursts into the doctor's office, grabs him by the throat and forces him up against the wall. "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO MY WIFE?" he shouts.
"I gave her a diagnosis. I know she's not happy about it, but it's an accurate diagnosis. What's the problem?"
"YOU SAID SHE HAD A NICE VA-JAY-JAY!"
"No, I said she had Acute Angina".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 19, 2013, 08:45:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec2.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Fbd%2F6d%2Fa5%2Fbd6da57bde33a0e554b9f73f94c42870.jpg&hash=13dea5c175f73311e7ad9b3eadca9e439a77479d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 19, 2013, 09:27:07 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F309943_10151405082566466_1725969054_n.jpg&hash=2a894ff22b07118c26bf1fff145b11ae87a7f316)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 19, 2013, 09:31:41 PM
^Love it, would shamelessly steal it for my netbook except the keyboard is black.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F253279_335610929898763_482319712_n.jpg&hash=26bb0bcdb89bf18c2495253e432d4a34c713cd45)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 19, 2013, 09:32:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F537425_378567012262597_1752565491_n.jpg&hash=97ab59645ccefc71bfa8408a55f03ce576e428d3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on May 19, 2013, 10:20:49 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on May 19, 2013, 09:31:41 PM
^Love it, would shamelessly steal it for my netbook except the keyboard is black.

Use whiteout. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 20, 2013, 12:10:21 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on May 19, 2013, 10:20:49 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on May 19, 2013, 09:31:41 PM
^Love it, would shamelessly steal it for my netbook except the keyboard is black.

Use whiteout. ;)

Whiteout was the "in" thing when I was in grades 6 - 8 or so...  That stuff gets disgustingly dirty when applied to anything you use regularly. 

Now if I could find one of those silver-ink pens, that could be an option...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on May 20, 2013, 05:12:30 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on May 20, 2013, 12:10:21 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on May 19, 2013, 10:20:49 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on May 19, 2013, 09:31:41 PM
^Love it, would shamelessly steal it for my netbook except the keyboard is black.

Use whiteout. ;)

Whiteout was the "in" thing when I was in grades 6 - 8 or so...  That stuff gets disgustingly dirty when applied to anything you use regularly. 

Now if I could find one of those silver-ink pens, that could be an option...

Krink k12 once that ink sets it is never coming off.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 21, 2013, 09:15:24 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F971498_516488361752000_1479431790_n.jpg&hash=06d95bcda898a86ffabe9953a9d3c355d00b088e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on May 21, 2013, 11:12:18 AM
Quote from: Tank on May 21, 2013, 09:15:24 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F971498_516488361752000_1479431790_n.jpg&hash=06d95bcda898a86ffabe9953a9d3c355d00b088e)
LOL!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 22, 2013, 08:34:46 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F581838_10151590768391730_331971428_n.jpg&hash=33890bc2e09854bccf66fecff78ce2675f8dd3e8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on May 22, 2013, 05:23:39 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweknowmemes.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F04%2Fits-easy-to-reationalize-eating-an-entire-cake.jpg&hash=11e14d048d37772e2c79a46e0d43c19d1cc5f3af)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 23, 2013, 01:56:49 AM
^Lol!  Not where I thought that was going!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 24, 2013, 12:08:12 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F181232_501004473306933_868149860_n.jpg&hash=0f6d723d08f5485485b77eb798a292cdfbf71cbd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on May 24, 2013, 12:17:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Fc00aa358d0cca80ac342178f1efed125%2Ftumblr_mlqekjw9kw1s31t59o1_500.jpg&hash=c28716efcc6f47fe22100d15656eb7ab1bb47bbf)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 24, 2013, 01:09:59 PM
Quote from: Niya on May 24, 2013, 12:17:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Fc00aa358d0cca80ac342178f1efed125%2Ftumblr_mlqekjw9kw1s31t59o1_500.jpg&hash=c28716efcc6f47fe22100d15656eb7ab1bb47bbf)

It's closer than I could do at the moment!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 24, 2013, 07:12:58 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F179193_662789420403690_1465047948_n.jpg&hash=98219126e4604a2bd099da2bdd7464f6732db0a3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 25, 2013, 12:42:42 AM
Unfortunately, not geographically accurate, but I did laugh anyway:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F308335_10151610264432439_327166993_n.jpg&hash=900c2dc94952ae9cd2481cf57af0c527943c48e0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on May 25, 2013, 02:19:21 AM
Quote from: Niya on May 24, 2013, 12:17:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Fc00aa358d0cca80ac342178f1efed125%2Ftumblr_mlqekjw9kw1s31t59o1_500.jpg&hash=c28716efcc6f47fe22100d15656eb7ab1bb47bbf)

Wow. That looks like something my best friend would do.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 25, 2013, 08:38:43 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F414786_599924316695250_1618441992_o.png&hash=b10b293ba42757f9554f3533328e04c4c9d1b0e5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 25, 2013, 08:47:17 AM
Photo Bombing at its best!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F401891_528397760551983_1588970913_n.jpg&hash=2611e4b21691e745be43b3952bd5f67dab1ba563)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on May 25, 2013, 09:23:10 AM
Quote from: Tank on May 25, 2013, 08:38:43 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F414786_599924316695250_1618441992_o.png&hash=b10b293ba42757f9554f3533328e04c4c9d1b0e5)
Natural selection working ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on May 25, 2013, 10:18:20 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on May 25, 2013, 12:42:42 AM
Unfortunately, not geographically accurate, but I did laugh anyway:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F308335_10151610264432439_327166993_n.jpg&hash=900c2dc94952ae9cd2481cf57af0c527943c48e0)
Where is stonehenge?? That's where my gf's parents are vacationing right now.

Omg there is a titan inside the earth! ahhh  :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 25, 2013, 12:10:19 PM
Stonehenge is in Wiltshire, England.  That's right in the middle of the southern part.  It's a big stony lumpy thing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonehenge) which attracts huge mobs of new-age loonies.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 25, 2013, 01:21:02 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 25, 2013, 12:10:19 PM
It's a big stony lumpy thing
An Asmo?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 25, 2013, 01:49:41 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on May 25, 2013, 01:21:02 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 25, 2013, 12:10:19 PM
It's a big stony lumpy thing
An Asmo?  ???
No. Made of stone and the wrong shape  :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 25, 2013, 02:42:52 PM
Well, the Henge is all round and gray-like, no?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 25, 2013, 03:08:23 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on May 25, 2013, 02:42:52 PM
Well, the Henge is all round and gray-like, no?  ???
Well sort of if viewed from above.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 25, 2013, 04:21:20 PM
Be careful what you claim, O Grey One.  If people believe you're a Henge, hundreds of beardy Druids will roll up in scraggy old buses and do silly ceremonies around you.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 25, 2013, 04:29:08 PM
Police launch crackdown on counterfeit orgasms

Scotland Yard has today launched its biggest operation yet to tackle the huge surge in fake orgasms and protect the quality of British people's sex lives.

'We now believe that at any given time, as many as 40 per cent of all orgasms in Britain are faked,' said Detective Inspector Stephen Roberts of Operation Zenith, the squad dedicated to combatting the epidemic. 'We are advising people to be on the lookout for these counterfeit climaxes. Sometimes they can sound convincingly close to the real thing, and in many cases it's someone close to you who's doing it – precisely the last person you'd suspect.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 25, 2013, 04:57:10 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 25, 2013, 04:29:08 PM
Police launch crackdown on counterfeit orgasms

Scotland Yard has today launched its biggest operation yet to tackle the huge surge in fake orgasms and protect the quality of British people's sex lives.

'We now believe that at any given time, as many as 40 per cent of all orgasms in Britain are faked,' said Detective Inspector Stephen Roberts of Operation Zenith, the squad dedicated to combatting the epidemic. 'We are advising people to be on the lookout for these counterfeit climaxes. Sometimes they can sound convincingly close to the real thing, and in many cases it's someone close to you who's doing it – precisely the last person you'd suspect.'
40%..... interesting ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 26, 2013, 10:33:26 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fa3GOYHh.jpg&hash=98ffa678d0c4a89322d28da28a57d1d9a17b1dbe)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on May 26, 2013, 02:55:58 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 26, 2013, 10:33:26 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fa3GOYHh.jpg&hash=98ffa678d0c4a89322d28da28a57d1d9a17b1dbe)

Well, shit.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 26, 2013, 04:56:02 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F312212_460134817403861_1016758630_n.jpg&hash=ac5bc4bfe00bb5640fffdf9238c28b6c1fdf3bfc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on May 27, 2013, 01:53:50 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec3.pinimg.com%2F736x%2F85%2Fab%2Ffb%2F85abfbe7903e77d8fb9128cdc635b1e3.jpg&hash=805a321d01a130f55e4ab806c6cfc31434399c4b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on May 27, 2013, 07:12:53 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cut-the-knot.org%2Fselfreference%2Fprincipia.gif&hash=631b6143553125e06eb192948d20beab4f9680bf)

Not really a joke but still amusing. Apparently it really took them 362 pages to reach that point.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 27, 2013, 09:45:55 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on May 27, 2013, 07:12:53 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cut-the-knot.org%2Fselfreference%2Fprincipia.gif&hash=631b6143553125e06eb192948d20beab4f9680bf)

Not really a joke but still amusing. Apparently it really took them 362 pages to reach that point.
really????
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 27, 2013, 11:08:14 AM
Bloody hell!  How many pages did it take to get to 2+2=4?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 27, 2013, 12:58:13 PM
How many Spaniards does it take to change a light-bulb?


Answer, flipped to prevent cheating:

nauJ tsuJ
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on May 27, 2013, 03:26:52 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on May 27, 2013, 09:45:55 AM
really????

Yup, it Russell and Whiteheads Principia.

Quote from: OldGit on May 27, 2013, 11:08:14 AM
Bloody hell!  How many pages did it take to get to 2+2=4?

From my understanding, once they had reached this point it was smooth sailing, at least for addition, as a lot of the hard work ( defining number, order, etc ) had already been completed. I've never read their Principia, and probably never will, but Russell had a shorter book that outlined it and I think that's how it wound up.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 27, 2013, 03:31:09 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on May 27, 2013, 03:26:52 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on May 27, 2013, 09:45:55 AM
really????

Yup, it Russell and Whiteheads Principia.

Quote from: OldGit on May 27, 2013, 11:08:14 AM
Bloody hell!  How many pages did it take to get to 2+2=4?

From my understanding, once they had reached this point it was smooth sailing, at least for addition, as a lot of the hard work ( defining number, order, etc ) had already been completed. I've never read their Principia, and probably never will, but Russell had a shorter book that outlined it and I think that's how it wound up.

And people wonder why Britain didn't make it to the moon.....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 28, 2013, 06:41:58 AM
Quote from: OldGit on May 27, 2013, 12:58:13 PM
How many Spaniards does it take to change a light-bulb?


Answer, flipped to prevent cheating:

nauJ tsuJ
Is Juan a common name among electricians in Spain..? Or just among sensible males?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 28, 2013, 10:09:28 AM
I don't know, O Grey One, I think it's just a silly joke.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 28, 2013, 08:33:38 PM
Is it because it's slightly similar to the English word one in pronounciation?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on May 28, 2013, 08:51:05 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on May 28, 2013, 08:33:38 PM
Is it because it's slightly similar to the English word one in pronounciation?  ???

That's exactly why.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 28, 2013, 10:14:32 PM
Oh! The Asmo, He gets it, you see. (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.createblog.com%2Fforums%2Fstyle_emoticons%2Fdefault%2Fnod.gif&hash=a1cff5505588bed87b8abfb6f4b98cfdd1b8a0ab)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 29, 2013, 10:08:27 AM
^ Ding!  Well done, O Grey One!

---------------

Here's a good one for Brits, though foreigners may not get the full flavour:

How many Ulster Unionists does it take to change a lightbulb?

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.guim.co.uk%2Fsys-images%2FGuardian%2FPix%2Fpictures%2F2011%2F11%2F14%2F1321278840774%2FIan-Paisley-007.jpg&hash=6e999dd3b63aaa4f33fe0799cc859a78aae0a701)

How many Ulster Unionists does it take to change a lightbulb?
"WE WULL NIVVUR! NIVVUR! CHAYUNGE THE LIGHTBULB! THE LIGHTBULB IS THE SAYAM LIGHTBULB AS OOR FATHERS HAD AND THEYUR FATHERS BEFOWUR THEYAM, AND WE WILL NIVVUR! NIVVUR! CHAYUNGE THE LIGHTBULB!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on May 30, 2013, 09:08:54 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flickr.com%2Fphotos%2F96682657%40N07%2F8887567139.jpg%2F&hash=b6b527450c88be9c1e58f203f5088640c482fcc0)
Lol

Oops! just found out the image is not showing up. May be flickr is down atm. :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 30, 2013, 09:23:46 AM
Nyia

Looks like you have linked to a directory or something as there is no '.jpg' at teh end of the link in your post.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 30, 2013, 09:34:13 AM
Quote from: NiyaLol

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ffatkid_zpsc74e42f4.jpg&hash=b6460031854ff76a171e7a7c13f7181b98b93eb2) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/fatkid_zpsc74e42f4.jpg.html)

Oops! just found out the image is not showing up. May be flickr is down atm. :(

FTFY, Niya
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on May 30, 2013, 09:42:14 AM
Thanx Guys, I had never used Flickr before. :)

How did you fix it OG, can u teach me?  :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 30, 2013, 09:57:13 AM
I don't know anything about Flickr but I found it wouldn't let me do a direct copy, which I would have saved onto Photobucket and posted from there.  So I used the very handy Windows 7 snipping tool to save a copy to my computer and thence to Photobucket.  It takes much longer to explain than to do; it's very simple.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 30, 2013, 04:41:16 PM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another
Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your
husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one
tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with
him.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on May 30, 2013, 06:00:44 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 30, 2013, 04:41:16 PM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another
Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your
husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one
tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with
him.
;D ;D ;D ;D Hahaha
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 31, 2013, 07:47:46 PM
Cowboy: "Gimme 3 packets a condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 02, 2013, 07:35:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.gawkerassets.com%2Fimg%2F18pagzhyr0jixjpg%2Fk-bigpic.jpg&hash=ce177e4cb6c4709cd01ddc5ecc808c627823c91b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 02, 2013, 07:42:37 PM
Well dang me!  What do they breathe up there?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 04, 2013, 10:50:38 AM
 
CHURCH SQUIRRELS

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 04, 2013, 10:59:53 AM
Quote from: OldGit on June 04, 2013, 10:50:38 AM

CHURCH SQUIRRELS

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.


The squirrels were all male ??? lol that is as sexist as one can get.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Non Quixote on June 05, 2013, 12:27:38 AM
Quote from: Niya on June 04, 2013, 10:59:53 AM
Quote from: OldGit on June 04, 2013, 10:50:38 AM

CHURCH SQUIRRELS

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.


The squirrels were all male ??? lol that is as sexist as one can get.  ;D
Just the one that the Hebrews got hold of.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 05, 2013, 10:49:22 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F935503_10151513336133462_758518011_n.jpg&hash=c8ee290079fd22b49d820306744e8ebe8c88c56e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 05, 2013, 03:06:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F936612_507288996011814_1115669760_n.jpg&hash=d2bc7ad8be64d520a68b1870dc32f583f148ba61)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Non Quixote on June 05, 2013, 06:12:37 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1255.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fhh631%2Fnon_quixote%2FWTFwasthat_zpsbc21b068.jpg&hash=368eda57a999d6f1d450d275e9a221440acb2cfb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 05, 2013, 06:25:53 PM
^^^ I love that one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 05, 2013, 07:09:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F941547_10151616972236730_1454008777_n.jpg&hash=556ae5cbc9abc293f252afc9f1f4366ae1889fa9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 05, 2013, 07:39:36 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 05, 2013, 07:09:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F941547_10151616972236730_1454008777_n.jpg&hash=556ae5cbc9abc293f252afc9f1f4366ae1889fa9)
HAHAHAHAHAHAH...This one is a classic Chris.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 05, 2013, 07:45:24 PM
^   Aah, that's sad.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 05, 2013, 08:32:37 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/q71/s480x480/936351_399307466849533_1829245429_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 06, 2013, 10:15:07 AM
^ LOL!

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great... Some arsehole's got my pen!'

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 06, 2013, 06:46:40 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F1384_10151618211511730_763237911_n.jpg&hash=a11b205f97d3a0b80e3e40f045952c92a432291e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 06, 2013, 07:23:45 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F184423_10151657496445115_1120271134_n.jpg&hash=9418d676bbcd28d5cdeedc6de09139fcc1cbdf92)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on June 06, 2013, 08:38:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Fba4b4eb8c98705f70bb6058dea1b1016%2Ftumblr_mnwhhqWJSk1qe3xkyo1_1280.jpg&hash=d2f29b68f2cb924baa9aeaf8f1a0a99dc1684e2a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 07, 2013, 01:29:01 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fserve.mysmiley.net%2Fparty%2Fparty0044.gif&hash=0255bb7ca1acdd7a8cda632bd76ab20197f124bd) (http://www.mysmiley.net/free-cool-smileys.php)

Congratulations, young one.
If you come find the master he will teach you the secrets of the ninja.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on June 07, 2013, 01:37:18 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on June 07, 2013, 01:29:01 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fserve.mysmiley.net%2Fparty%2Fparty0044.gif&hash=0255bb7ca1acdd7a8cda632bd76ab20197f124bd) (http://www.mysmiley.net/free-cool-smileys.php)

Congratulations, young one.
If you come find the master he will teach you the secrets of the ninja.


That isn't actually me, though I am stealing this for my yearbook quote.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 07, 2013, 11:04:05 AM
Well, congratulations to Megan anyway, whoever she is.  It's a good Welsh name, too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 08, 2013, 07:54:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffunnyshirtz.info%2Fimages%2Ffunny_alien_sex_tshirt-p235571949783469446z7k99_328.jpg&hash=e1b971a067b595381e612079f21ff560874810cf)

This T-shirt reminded me of someone.......
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on June 08, 2013, 08:00:15 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 08, 2013, 07:54:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffunnyshirtz.info%2Fimages%2Ffunny_alien_sex_tshirt-p235571949783469446z7k99_328.jpg&hash=e1b971a067b595381e612079f21ff560874810cf)

This T-shirt reminded me of someone.......

:o ...

??? ...

;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 08, 2013, 08:06:03 PM
A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 08, 2013, 09:20:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F419002_678613728834750_1380113580_n.jpg&hash=b056c11897e688860ab4784159de65ffffef88eb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on June 09, 2013, 03:07:33 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 08, 2013, 09:20:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F419002_678613728834750_1380113580_n.jpg&hash=b056c11897e688860ab4784159de65ffffef88eb)

Is Shatner on that plane?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 09, 2013, 03:09:23 PM
Quote from: joeactor on June 09, 2013, 03:07:33 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 08, 2013, 09:20:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F419002_678613728834750_1380113580_n.jpg&hash=b056c11897e688860ab4784159de65ffffef88eb)

Is Shatner on that plane?
Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 10, 2013, 10:02:27 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.rsdnation.com%2Ffiles%2Fimagecache%2Fgallery_full%2Fgalleries%2Fconfusious-say.jpg&hash=bf3ad1029223af8a81a8197d73fab1c41c8a4f30)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on June 10, 2013, 03:29:53 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 09, 2013, 03:09:23 PM
Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits?

Priceline I think.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on June 10, 2013, 04:07:01 PM
... Stupid jokes from Joe's Dump:
http://www.joesdump.com/2013/06/10/stupid-jokes/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 10, 2013, 04:48:30 PM
Quote from: joeactor on June 10, 2013, 04:07:01 PM
... Stupid jokes from Joe's Dump:
http://www.joesdump.com/2013/06/10/stupid-jokes/
I think I remember all of those from when I was 5!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 11, 2013, 07:29:51 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.recipeapart.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2008%2F12%2Fit-joke-11.jpg&hash=c50eeeb1f9520b754861a3bcfd36516040d9fe50)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 11, 2013, 09:44:43 AM
LOL!  But 2084?  2014, more like.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 11, 2013, 10:20:37 AM
That Google image is an example of 'Many a true word spoken in jest.'

Happy dog!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F954749_574398245915960_1257942393_n.jpg&hash=7de4c09c968ed40e8f482b6f0f74cfaf57640345)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 11, 2013, 10:23:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F1005148_380689295366337_1417171804_n.jpg&hash=cfbf4786cbe556e0d359e1983af5a4595cf17f34)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 11, 2013, 10:31:23 AM
Quote from: Tank on June 11, 2013, 10:23:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F1005148_380689295366337_1417171804_n.jpg&hash=cfbf4786cbe556e0d359e1983af5a4595cf17f34)

;D ;D ;D is that a boy elephant?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 11, 2013, 10:50:44 AM
Quote from: Niya on June 11, 2013, 10:31:23 AM
Quote from: Tank on June 11, 2013, 10:23:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F1005148_380689295366337_1417171804_n.jpg&hash=cfbf4786cbe556e0d359e1983af5a4595cf17f34)

;D ;D ;D is that a boy elephant?

Could be a lesbian elephant?  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 11, 2013, 11:14:15 AM
Quote from: Tank on June 11, 2013, 10:50:44 AM
Quote from: Niya on June 11, 2013, 10:31:23 AM
Quote from: Tank on June 11, 2013, 10:23:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F1005148_380689295366337_1417171804_n.jpg&hash=cfbf4786cbe556e0d359e1983af5a4595cf17f34)

;D ;D ;D is that a boy elephant?

Could be a lesbian elephant?  ;)

i'm not sure the elephant realized how happy the girl is?  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 11, 2013, 11:59:28 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jokes365.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2Ffunny-dog-pictures-praying-dog-boy-bed.jpg&hash=ab09fd73a2cf0c64cd0a79b1e7064bdb19739e04)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 11, 2013, 12:11:01 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1280.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa487%2Fniyarose4%2F72326_535260706518737_464980046_n_zps39fa6788.jpg&hash=b58276c043ad27bc3b895f0ac525e1c6d00b4ba8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 11, 2013, 01:56:17 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft3.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcSd_8iEY6FUQqpEWLI9Tye0S0t9dE4_6GizRXGviCVL5Hn92MYZ&hash=146ed6459b04974b62db1a94b1a4ded46c022992)

LOL.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on June 11, 2013, 02:11:58 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.totalprosports.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F10%2Fargos-celebration-fail.gif&hash=b4948bfd3910eadd20c2d74d0d653b1a5eb5d8ce)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 11, 2013, 03:14:59 PM
^^^ He was not having a good day!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimageshack.us%2Fa%2Fimg822%2F8213%2Froflmfaob.jpg&hash=a0f2ff7abd600f4341c58f5a7105011ff831d489)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 11, 2013, 07:52:04 PM
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the
electric chair.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 11, 2013, 08:36:41 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 11, 2013, 07:52:04 PM
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the
electric chair.

best joke chris... rofl
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 12, 2013, 09:54:03 AM
^^ LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 12, 2013, 11:08:38 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 11, 2013, 07:52:04 PM
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the
electric chair.

"...Don't trust ya' soul to no backwoods southern law-yah/
'cause the judge in the town's got bloodstains on his hands"
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fth1101.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg439%2Fexatera%2Fsmileys%2Fth_smiley_singing.gif&hash=b4c5b633f0c074274617e8bd0d13973c7b75b82a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 15, 2013, 09:23:08 AM
I so feel like this some days!!!!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F992955_200550776764394_1249641968_n.jpg&hash=c9aa470265d1da0accdf7cc14320f4daa3c90ab2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on June 15, 2013, 11:41:27 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.themetapicture.com%2Fmedia%2Ffunny-baby-drunk-meme.jpg&hash=33210a802635f1a7f6ce439e06c05209573ab127)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 15, 2013, 01:44:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 15, 2013, 09:23:08 AM
I so feel like this some days!!!!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F992955_200550776764394_1249641968_n.jpg&hash=c9aa470265d1da0accdf7cc14320f4daa3c90ab2)
The Asmo approves of the owl's facial expression. (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.createblog.com%2Fforums%2Fstyle_emoticons%2Fdefault%2Fnod.gif&hash=a1cff5505588bed87b8abfb6f4b98cfdd1b8a0ab)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 15, 2013, 06:29:43 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/944406_10151705210656800_469040646_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 15, 2013, 07:03:06 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcaptionsearch.com%2Fpix%2F7vzal287ni.jpg&hash=9c28e807f183de07d52780ac3e299e6087c610b3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 15, 2013, 07:50:34 PM
An Irishman was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do dat when I win de lottery'.

'What's dat ?', said his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be mowed', said Paddy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on June 15, 2013, 09:56:50 PM
Paddy and Murphy were working on a building site. Paddy was chucking tiles off to be caught by Murphy below who was placing them in a pile for recycling. As Murphy's concentration lapsed on spotting a busty lass strolling past, one of Paddy's tiles catches Murphy's ear and slices it clean off.

"Aw, Paddy, yous just chapped me ear aff. I dunno where it's gone"
"Hold on Murph" Says Paddy, "I'll come down an' help yous look farrit"

They search the untidy site for a while until Paddy shouts over holding up a blood spattered ear "'Ere Murph, is this your ear?"

Murphy squints a little, thinks for a moment and replies " Hmm, I don't tink so, mate, mine had a pencil behind it".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 15, 2013, 10:20:40 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F1010656_545698985488485_1307012917_n.jpg&hash=cbc14c7246a78cde1078c50fa71122ce2f1705ce)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 16, 2013, 09:10:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F1004591_549655928431560_236162496_n.jpg&hash=53f0697b5174e3c7fdd4bfdbd29da82f17c6b890)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 16, 2013, 03:44:21 PM
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 17, 2013, 12:46:48 PM
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is.  If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an A."

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer:

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 17, 2013, 02:06:59 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1280.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa487%2Fniyarose4%2F375888_269217109790140_32301019_n_zps1b02f966.jpg&hash=f321e08bb3349bf2b8ca7289d5428472fe7c42f9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 17, 2013, 02:07:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1280.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa487%2Fniyarose4%2Fhilarious-funny-internet-photos-41_zpsb2759520.jpg&hash=0dfe15e3abf26f5683fd79ab561447ae2ca73e5a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 17, 2013, 04:03:29 PM
^Ha! 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on June 18, 2013, 12:28:30 AM
LOL! Yeah, I know that stare all too well, I've also had cats jump on me in the middle of, uh, stuff. Once or twice with claws.  :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 18, 2013, 12:48:50 AM
One of my dogs will stare like that, while super heavy creeper-on-the-phone-style breathing. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 18, 2013, 10:18:38 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F1017419_480302225379320_288508371_n.jpg&hash=243caab36f0d3ebfa64901b5913011d6aa8ce4ce)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 18, 2013, 10:44:31 AM
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "come on then, what day was I born"?
I said, "yesterday."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 18, 2013, 10:48:52 AM
Quote from: OldGit on June 18, 2013, 10:44:31 AM
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "come on then, what day was I born"?
I said, "yesterday."

You sure it was a girl?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on June 18, 2013, 01:43:20 PM
Not a joke exactly, it just made me laugh because I'm tired --

I was talking to a co-worker and asking her about her students, she said 'X is supposed to be in my ass'.

I asked 'are you sure he should be there?'

'Yes, definitely. He was added to it yesterday, he's a really good fit too!'

...and about 30 seconds later she lost it laughing and cursed out her typo.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 18, 2013, 10:11:54 PM
Not really a joke as I want this shirt......

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/971996_10200365595967887_1214046326_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 18, 2013, 11:43:34 PM
^^ Typical attitude of a caring dad. I know that first hand because I have a daughter.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 18, 2013, 11:48:54 PM
...So is there also a t-shirt for heterosexual fathers, or..?

That said, good luck getting me pregnant  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 18, 2013, 11:49:45 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 18, 2013, 10:11:54 PM
Not really a joke as I want this shirt......

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/971996_10200365595967887_1214046326_n.jpg)
If I ever have a daughter, I won't need that sort of shirt. I'd just want five minutes to show her would-be suitors my sword collection.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 18, 2013, 11:52:07 PM
You think you would impress or intimidate someone with a sword collection? Nonono, you see, all you would achieve by doing that is your daughter not speaking to you for a month and her whatever thinking you a weirdo. Not the dangerous kind either. The art of intimidation is in behaviour, not in gadgets that require a demonstration of skill and intent to work as props.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 19, 2013, 07:08:43 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on June 18, 2013, 11:52:07 PM
You think you would impress or intimidate someone with a sword collection? Nonono, you see, all you would achieve by doing that is your daughter not speaking to you for a month and her whatever thinking you a weirdo. Not the dangerous kind either. The art of intimidation is in behaviour, not in gadgets that require a demonstration of skill and intent to work as props.

Very true, Im a daughter, so I agree.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 19, 2013, 08:22:51 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on June 18, 2013, 11:49:45 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 18, 2013, 10:11:54 PM
Not really a joke as I want this shirt......

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/971996_10200365595967887_1214046326_n.jpg)
If I ever have a daughter, I won't need that sort of shirt. I'd just want five minutes to show her would-be suitors my sword collection.
I'm sure that should do the trick.

In fact 1) should be; If you don't have a job leave now!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 19, 2013, 08:27:01 AM
I'm surprised that so few seem to point out the flaws with 3, 7 and especially 10...

And T, in this day and age, who the hell is intimidated by their in-law's sharps drawer?  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 19, 2013, 08:31:18 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on June 19, 2013, 08:27:01 AM
I'm surprised that so few seem to point out the flaws with 3, 7 and especially 10...

And T, in this day and age, who the hell is intimidated by their in-law's sharps drawer?  ::)
10 probably alludes to the fact that if the BF shags the daughter the father will shag the BF. Mind you the father is up shit creek if his daughter enjoys receiving oral sex.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 19, 2013, 08:33:44 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on June 18, 2013, 11:49:45 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 18, 2013, 10:11:54 PM
Not really a joke as I want this shirt......

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/971996_10200365595967887_1214046326_n.jpg)
If I ever have a daughter, I won't need that sort of shirt. I'd just want five minutes to show her would-be suitors my sword collection.

What if the suitor had a bigger collection of guns, swords, what then? intimidation won't always work.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 19, 2013, 08:35:14 AM
Quote from: Niya on June 19, 2013, 08:33:44 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on June 18, 2013, 11:49:45 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 18, 2013, 10:11:54 PM
Not really a joke as I want this shirt......

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/971996_10200365595967887_1214046326_n.jpg)
If I ever have a daughter, I won't need that sort of shirt. I'd just want five minutes to show her would-be suitors my sword collection.

What if the suitor had a bigger collection of guns, swords, what then? intimidation won't always work.
A chastity belt.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 19, 2013, 08:38:59 AM
Yeah... That will work!  ::)

Let your daughter do her own bloody dating and get out of her bloody way. When the shit hits the fan, offer support. Otherwise, who the hell are you to dictate her love/sex/love-and-sex life?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 19, 2013, 08:45:20 AM
Quote from: Tank on June 19, 2013, 08:35:14 AM
Quote from: Niya on June 19, 2013, 08:33:44 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on June 18, 2013, 11:49:45 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 18, 2013, 10:11:54 PM
Not really a joke as I want this shirt......

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/971996_10200365595967887_1214046326_n.jpg)
If I ever have a daughter, I won't need that sort of shirt. I'd just want five minutes to show her would-be suitors my sword collection.

What if the suitor had a bigger collection of guns, swords, what then? intimidation won't always work.
A chastity belt.

with the key in dad's pocket,  :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on June 19, 2013, 09:06:38 AM
My dad left when I was 12. He never warned me about dating partners. He never really bothered to ask - as long as I had no complaints about who I was dating, he was reasonably okay with it. The one guy who would have worn this t-shirt was my grandfather... which is probably why I only brought someone home if it was serious. :D He might not have liked that I was bringing home girls, but as they all had a job/were doing well in school and were the 'sort you could bring home' ;) he couldn't say much, lol!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 19, 2013, 09:59:30 AM
I think it's funny.  It was certainly intended to be.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on June 19, 2013, 11:24:15 AM
Quote from: OldGit on June 19, 2013, 09:59:30 AM
I think it's funny.  It was certainly intended to be.  :D

you may like this ;)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.eatliver.com%2F2012%2F8460.jpg&hash=6cc8b2cf3be2f7865eb000da02ef8fd3eea0501c)

I like the 'keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised'.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 19, 2013, 06:09:58 PM
That's funny, too.  Thanks, Amicale.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 20, 2013, 01:58:50 AM
My BF says he'd use this method:
Insist the guy comes over to pick your daughter up.  While she's finishing getting ready, offer him a beer.  If he declines, he's a rude guest and not taking your daughter out.  If he accepts, he's an irresponsible drunk and not taking your daughter out.

Or do what my friend's father did and have a normal, friendly conversation with the young man while sitting on the couch cleaning your shot gun. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on June 20, 2013, 02:50:22 AM
I love meeting the fathers of girlfriends. It's fun you can mess with them so much especially as its something they never expect to happen back to them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 20, 2013, 03:20:37 AM
(https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/iQJYmvfjxtp9aFjWYSbaq5ZO7a3VwCHUAmRsW7yh25jEW_MP9lRyS10F4aUmdw30RpLThR5eW-D6hFkIYA8MPvWL9YnA5xZS5LAW7WDUY2Zm9i1EkoxXPgP8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 20, 2013, 04:29:23 AM
 :D The Asmodoggy meets with The Gray Approval.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 20, 2013, 06:11:56 AM
Quote from: Crow on June 20, 2013, 02:50:22 AM
I love meeting the fathers of girlfriends. It's fun you can mess with them so much especially as its something they never expect to happen back to them.

how do you do that?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 20, 2013, 01:21:49 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on June 20, 2013, 03:20:37 AM
(https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/iQJYmvfjxtp9aFjWYSbaq5ZO7a3VwCHUAmRsW7yh25jEW_MP9lRyS10F4aUmdw30RpLThR5eW-D6hFkIYA8MPvWL9YnA5xZS5LAW7WDUY2Zm9i1EkoxXPgP8)

lol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 21, 2013, 06:20:29 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1280.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa487%2Fniyarose4%2F359343-funny-images-on-leader-kim-jong-un_zpsa2f4ef58.jpg&hash=1fc1a148afaa1a7288879dbebcea2d8e47b1ce93)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 21, 2013, 08:19:14 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F8557_593496107361602_1178551416_n.jpg&hash=01a8cf78d99429cf82b388304b29317ad2bc2288)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 21, 2013, 08:26:02 AM
Quote from: Tank on June 21, 2013, 08:19:14 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F8557_593496107361602_1178551416_n.jpg&hash=01a8cf78d99429cf82b388304b29317ad2bc2288)

lol, people have all sorts of ideas.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 21, 2013, 08:41:23 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F1012683_543139832389842_800495879_n.jpg&hash=f9b16afb64a2b49772711feadbc6dbde38fef109)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 21, 2013, 09:48:09 AM
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
"No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 21, 2013, 05:35:40 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fpeanuts_zpse84397c6.jpg&hash=5489f7dade187d4335256e14d4d46dde70f2caed) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/peanuts_zpse84397c6.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 21, 2013, 05:36:37 PM
^^^^ LOL!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on June 22, 2013, 09:41:50 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.themetapicture.com%2Fmedia%2Ffunny-Doctor-Who-Snickers-Dalek.jpg&hash=28127a294e805bb6558e7c69a01732f79474ff53)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 22, 2013, 07:57:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F8691_553912204652134_157714749_n.jpg&hash=d1ed02a0273936286a1edb13b2bc87ba5508f25d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 23, 2013, 05:49:27 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F20311_10151067497752364_1213988334_n.jpg&hash=09ed4562bbebad0c45cb9a52d5c006cdd4370335)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on June 23, 2013, 05:56:00 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.venganza.org%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2008%2F05%2Fbrevity21467080080512.gif&hash=6069bc5fe4aaeebb5b80a87f8047e150f5a68aed)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 23, 2013, 04:14:09 PM
A friend has just sent me these......proof you have a dirty mind :)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-tlQZjkUNQXY%2FUcb8qAJy9PI%2FAAAAAAAAE1g%2FrmGsgLDGeAY%2Fs1600%2Ffunny-signs-dumpaday-31.jpg&hash=eae85fc820b9d3759fe5f914fae78f9e6b3e22e7)

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(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-4TSiprHNPBA%2FUcb8nkBT8iI%2FAAAAAAAAEzo%2FZXOgSFMnCEw%2Fs1600%2Ffunny-signs-dumpaday-131.jpg&hash=6f81a2b582b4bf6f952fc17e0bc9546cbece9eec)

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(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F-7ENsedz0km4%2FUWmGm-j5awI%2FAAAAAAAAHfg%2Fxvmp7TEwAVg%2Fs1600%2Fdirty-mind-hot-dog-roll.png&hash=7aecd5be41cdd6915f72b22bec1413930f666ddd)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-1OV9sL7clTc%2FUWmGp53IkoI%2FAAAAAAAAHfo%2FbZJkCldN23Y%2Fs640%2Fdirty-mind-weather-forecast.gif&hash=e946425a102d7456ad7e5abdbdaacb153c913438)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 23, 2013, 04:31:57 PM
Claire those picture probably reveal too much about your mind!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on June 23, 2013, 04:42:53 PM
In keeping with Claire's theme....

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F_OtpL9u745Kw%2FTTMuXwx1dYI%2FAAAAAAAAAnw%2FghfTRarEsCQ%2Fs1600%2FPicture%252B038.jpg&hash=8d8be145a990380d194687689e09871d9e9e4467)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffree.bridal-shower-themes.com%2Fimg%2Ft%2Fh%2Fthe-little-mermaid-cover-art_2.jpg&hash=c59d37536e69ed7e649604ee0cf0bee765f36003)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 23, 2013, 05:10:03 PM
Dear FSM, some of you people have got minds like sewage pits.  :o   Praps that's why I feel so at home here.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 23, 2013, 05:27:28 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FMonC3xh.jpg&hash=cef721c4e18238e4c99e358a08f973b36e7938bf)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 23, 2013, 07:22:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmarinasleeps.files.wordpress.com%2F2011%2F06%2Fweather_warm_front.jpg&hash=d61176aca3f650e7b5b6dfb6811a3f5b3af01c8e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 23, 2013, 07:41:48 PM
Claire is a bad bad girl. ;D

Good little girls go to heaven, bad girls go any where the damned well please.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 23, 2013, 08:22:43 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jokeoverflow.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F03%2Fsex-with-chuck-norris-e1331635953865.png&hash=875121a4ab9d782720123cffaaaaec730de581fc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 23, 2013, 08:33:12 PM
Quote from: Icarus on June 23, 2013, 07:41:48 PM
Claire is a bad bad girl. ;D

Good little girls go to heaven, bad girls go any where the damned well please.

Slanderous ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 23, 2013, 08:53:33 PM
1980 Huntley & Palmers biscuit tin:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.snopes.com%2Fbusiness%2Fgraphics%2Fbiscuits.jpg&hash=a9bd2b81dc1a5c4de996bfed2f9a8c5b9441ef15)

Original printing of Bill Ripkin baseball card:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.snopes.com%2Fsports%2Fgraphics%2Fripken.jpg&hash=385d25c3b5ee64c75db5ba87bc3d1462a0492a35)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 23, 2013, 08:58:12 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 23, 2013, 08:33:12 PM
Quote from: Icarus on June 23, 2013, 07:41:48 PM
Claire is a bad bad girl. ;D

Good little girls go to heaven, bad girls go any where the damned well please.

Slanderous ;)
It's written therefore it's libel  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 23, 2013, 08:59:25 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 23, 2013, 08:58:12 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 23, 2013, 08:33:12 PM
Quote from: Icarus on June 23, 2013, 07:41:48 PM
Claire is a bad bad girl. ;D

Good little girls go to heaven, bad girls go any where the damned well please.

Slanderous ;)
It's written therefore it's libel  ;)

Shhhhh En_Route ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 23, 2013, 09:29:34 PM
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on June 23, 2013, 09:39:20 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newageman.co.uk%2Fsites%2Fdefault%2Ffiles%2Fcat-fail.gif&hash=7e385f0120e646af25070fe4eda981ce637384db)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newageman.co.uk%2Fsites%2Fdefault%2Ffiles%2Fcat-fight.gif&hash=2713abcc32781acd7e95aba40c821c43f7e45b29)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 23, 2013, 09:43:47 PM
Quote from: Crow on June 23, 2013, 09:39:20 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newageman.co.uk%2Fsites%2Fdefault%2Ffiles%2Fcat-fail.gif&hash=7e385f0120e646af25070fe4eda981ce637384db)



Needs soundtrack! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Awf45u6zrP0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 23, 2013, 09:50:36 PM
Quote from: Crow on June 23, 2013, 09:39:20 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newageman.co.uk%2Fsites%2Fdefault%2Ffiles%2Fcat-fail.gif&hash=7e385f0120e646af25070fe4eda981ce637384db)

LOL my wife had to come over and see why I was laughing at so loudly!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magnum on June 23, 2013, 10:52:08 PM
You've probably heard this before, but it's a good 'un.

What's white and creamy and falls from the sky?

The Coming of Jesus.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 24, 2013, 12:46:33 AM
Quote from: Tank on June 23, 2013, 09:29:34 PM
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'


Rolling in laughter with this one. Stinging punch line.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 24, 2013, 08:39:52 AM
Quote from: Tank on June 23, 2013, 09:29:34 PM
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

lol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 24, 2013, 11:14:48 AM
Love the little girl joke.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on June 24, 2013, 11:59:56 AM
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies.

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on June 24, 2013, 01:39:28 PM
Quote from: Crow on June 23, 2013, 09:39:20 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newageman.co.uk%2Fsites%2Fdefault%2Ffiles%2Fcat-fail.gif&hash=7e385f0120e646af25070fe4eda981ce637384db)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newageman.co.uk%2Fsites%2Fdefault%2Ffiles%2Fcat-fight.gif&hash=2713abcc32781acd7e95aba40c821c43f7e45b29)

cats always have this "regal and proud" feel to them so seeing the fail is extra funny for me
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 24, 2013, 04:25:42 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1010178_567273153337135_488588688_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 24, 2013, 04:29:25 PM
Stolen from FB....

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-ar-f0ld4uPg%2FUchROQZHuyI%2FAAAAAAAAPOc%2FmLsQ4iKdg-o%2Fs1600%2F%3B%3B%3B.jpg&hash=2b6b3b7e6ae8a1278d0ac8bbb3e73e63fce09d2c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 24, 2013, 10:34:31 PM
I want this to be real....

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-pMTer-zeIMs%2FUch5n8i0xSI%2FAAAAAAAAPUA%2Fd3_eYwK7AHI%2Fs640%2F7e8221b33c317791e6b11adb775809f9.jpg&hash=63dc9cf3cd18018c70751dcefec550e35af6d9a1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 25, 2013, 12:38:53 AM
Ha!  ^I lol'd
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 25, 2013, 03:55:08 AM
^^ That one is sweet Claire. I heartily approve of the photographers keen sense of irony.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 25, 2013, 12:31:24 PM
Good one, Claire!


The Medium

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 25, 2013, 06:35:40 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-08qIYqHqWfw%2FUci7Fy8FzgI%2FAAAAAAAAFHs%2Fm-at5-mOxoY%2Fs1600%2Fenhanced-buzz-18457-1372096734-9.jpg&hash=273021abdfa1973afdb684ae7af4a8cb9bac9edf)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 26, 2013, 09:51:06 PM
^^ Does this have anything to do with the  joke that was posted a while back? It was about the arabs use of  condoms. It took them 200 years to figure out that they could remove the condom from the goat before use.................Hey, that was not my joke, it was someone else's.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 28, 2013, 10:26:56 AM
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/179747_473699736050804_1454995173_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 28, 2013, 11:10:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmmyhasptymouth.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F05%2Ffunny-toddler-Facebook-little-kids-thumb.jpg&hash=d8a15566071a49844f2983eb9f211510d062f373)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 29, 2013, 09:49:30 AM
^ That's all too realistic, I'm afraid.   :'(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 30, 2013, 07:50:04 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F9055_519326381474742_1726766136_n.jpg&hash=11267f6b31c4f3d365bc697def65425c8ea0a805)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on June 30, 2013, 11:50:06 AM
as someone who loves my camera I have to say

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 02, 2013, 10:07:54 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F1005086_10152377611945400_405063646_n.jpg&hash=877acdd8c7fbea54e65a11d7ea1819126f09b83c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on July 03, 2013, 10:06:45 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1005417_193459164150344_1155026539_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 03, 2013, 10:08:46 PM
^^^ LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 03, 2013, 10:43:23 PM
A man is trapped in his home by rising flood waters.  He watches from the main floor as the water creeps over the floor of his car, and fills his basement.  A neighbor comes by in a row boat.
"Hop in!" the neighbor calls, "I can get you to the evac station!"
"No thank you," the man replies.  "I have faith that God will save me."
The neighbor shrugs and rows on by to safety.  Soon the man is forced onto the second floor of his home by the ever rising water.  After some time, a stranger comes by in a motor boat.
"Hey, climb onto the window sill and I'll help you into my boat," the stranger says.
"No thank you," the man replies.  "I have faith that God will save me."
The stranger shrugs and moves on to safety.  The water continues to rise and eventually the man is forced on to his roof, when a helicopter scouting the area spots him and drops a rope.
"Tie the rope around your waist and we'll hoist you up!" a woman calls.
"No thank you," the man replies.  "I have faith that God will save me." 
The helicopter crew have no time to argue, and move on to save others.  The water overtakes the man's house and he drowns.  He reaches the Pearly Gates and stands before the judgement of God.
"My Lord," he begins meekly, "I do not understand.  I put all my faith in you to save me, yet you did not."
"Well," God replies, "I sent two boats and a helicopter.  What more did you want?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on July 03, 2013, 10:48:37 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on July 03, 2013, 10:43:23 PM
A man is trapped in his home by rising flood waters.  He watches from the main floor as the water creeps over the floor of his car, and fills his basement.  A neighbor comes by in a row boat.
"Hop in!" the neighbor calls, "I can get you to the evac station!"
"No thank you," the man replies.  "I have faith that God will save me."
The neighbor shrugs and rows on by to safety.  Soon the man is forced onto the second floor of his home by the ever rising water.  After some time, a stranger comes by in a motor boat.
"Hey, climb onto the window sill and I'll help you into my boat," the stranger says.
"No thank you," the man replies.  "I have faith that God will save me."
The stranger shrugs and moves on to safety.  The water continues to rise and eventually the man is forced on to his roof, when a helicopter scouting the area spots him and drops a rope.
"Tie the rope around your waist and we'll hoist you up!" a woman calls.
"No thank you," the man replies.  "I have faith that God will save me." 
The helicopter crew have no time to argue, and move on to save others.  The water overtakes the man's house and he drowns.  He reaches the Pearly Gates and stands before the judgement of God.
"My Lord," he begins meekly, "I do not understand.  I put all my faith in you to save me, yet you did not."
"Well," God replies, "I sent two boats and a helicopter.  What more did you want?"

:)

Oddly enough, this was one of my favourite jokes when I was a Christian! I never understood the people who went on 'faith alone' for help, and didn't see the help that was right in front of their noses.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 05, 2013, 09:50:37 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F1044028_10201289973954855_1491956219_n.jpg&hash=7916f206f8514a42f35e5d1f5e54abc671c96a8f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 06, 2013, 12:39:09 PM
One for the chemists.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1017671_501296773278626_41632819_n.jpg&hash=81c707a4b12a0beec67f451e04d0f8706b677fd4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on July 06, 2013, 12:42:33 PM
Quote from: Tank on July 05, 2013, 09:50:37 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F1044028_10201289973954855_1491956219_n.jpg&hash=7916f206f8514a42f35e5d1f5e54abc671c96a8f)

lol...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 08, 2013, 07:21:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F1016902_312638402206798_1788830506_n.jpg&hash=9c88fcf1bb4ed6fbc05037b6f72a3bf6a7b6931a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 09, 2013, 04:56:06 PM

    How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?


These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    _______________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________
    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 10, 2013, 12:01:26 AM
^^^  We need a rolling over with laughter smiley?   

All too true. Litigators are sometimes  destroyed by their own determination to address the most miniscule of details. I once indulged in a pissing contest with an attorney who was interviewing me for a possible position on the jury of a murder trial.  ;D  . The defense attorney was an arrogant son of a bitch who reveled in insulting and discrediting prospective jurors. In response to one of his accusatory questions, I answered with an expression that included the word; asshole. The judge was not amused, the gallery snickered. I was dismissed. Honest, I was not attempting to eliminate my self from jury duty. It was the insufferable "asshole" who did me in.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on July 10, 2013, 04:21:06 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/1000839_10151689750624322_158104906_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 10, 2013, 08:49:47 AM
Look at the size of this guy!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F578363_10151460124702056_73783554_n.jpg&hash=9f57deca95787471005a759d34eb996f6879f8c3)






















































Then realise he builds miniature cars!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 10, 2013, 09:39:32 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F969909_614877228537644_2028082349_n.jpg&hash=effb998c3a4844545305b21fa4f913cc1dab125c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 11, 2013, 12:41:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F969895_10151584988388462_923398481_n.jpg&hash=d884f686617429dc0ae2349cfdfe97f9f7c77ee6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 11, 2013, 12:42:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F969343_10151584994213462_1114753002_n.jpg&hash=1a736604f46e0c9e4ff99c4a4d4c3aff4d459a88)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 13, 2013, 01:44:21 AM
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/998694_10200552098900319_1932522960_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 13, 2013, 01:35:58 PM
A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 13, 2013, 02:02:04 PM
Indeed.

private boolean egg = false; //For use by method that sets the flag

//Invoke flag setter before this line
If(egg==true){
    getBread(12);
}
else getBread(1);
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 13, 2013, 03:43:30 PM
In the old 6502 assembler I'd write

:the number of eggs is stored at eggs
LDA eggs
CMP #h0C
BEQ buy12
CMP #1
BEQ buy1
JMP cockup
.buy12
LDA #h0C
JSR buysome
.buy1
LDA #1
JSR buysome

etc etc
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 14, 2013, 11:02:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F1011993_491109814310823_953917528_n.jpg&hash=677b235cb8b249cd87eee80d9b73e9df1f456e87)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 15, 2013, 11:27:40 AM
We had one of those larger ones before. That miserable look on its face is probably just its gestalt.

That said, it can wear the tiny one's bed as a diaper.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 15, 2013, 05:15:24 PM
My old Husky used to voluntarily sleep on cat beds.  Amazingly flexible for a guy with spondilytis and arthritis all down his back...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 16, 2013, 04:03:05 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F994524_10151594216668462_144706130_n.jpg&hash=4268e7ff7daacab8026a249de74bf087c4622972)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on July 16, 2013, 09:14:46 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thesigs.com%2Fcats%2Fholywater.jpg&hash=d043a683bb435d53a01afba4892b38168856ed9d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 17, 2013, 09:41:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F45987_614103678611011_1122831813_n.jpg&hash=ab11c3f85c45c238d5ed002e4ccc85d0eda07d0d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on July 17, 2013, 04:15:56 PM
Quote from: Tank on July 17, 2013, 09:41:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F45987_614103678611011_1122831813_n.jpg&hash=ab11c3f85c45c238d5ed002e4ccc85d0eda07d0d)

this picture reminds me of my iguana. I like putting stuff on his head and his "I-dont-care-" look is priceless
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on July 17, 2013, 04:49:13 PM
Quote from: MariaEvri on July 17, 2013, 04:15:56 PM
this picture reminds me of my iguana. I like putting stuff on his head and his "I-dont-care-" look is priceless

Does an iguana have any other kind of look??
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 17, 2013, 04:50:32 PM
Quote from: MariaEvri on July 17, 2013, 04:15:56 PM
Quote from: Tank on July 17, 2013, 09:41:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F45987_614103678611011_1122831813_n.jpg&hash=ab11c3f85c45c238d5ed002e4ccc85d0eda07d0d)

this picture reminds me of my iguana. I like putting stuff on his head and his "I-dont-care-" look is priceless
Come on! You've got to take a photo of that and post it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 17, 2013, 08:41:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1012194_10151573047276374_799097811_n.png&hash=37552c74c3ea665f89d07ad098ef6a8a1ab38e58)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 17, 2013, 11:03:59 PM
^ Rat poison changes everything.






Mirth aside, Warfarin is a  cruel way to dispose of rodents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 18, 2013, 01:07:56 AM
^^I'm still waiting for someone to discover a horrible side effect of botox.  We're really still on the first generation of users.  I mean, how can there NOT be one?  Sure, there are medical uses that probably make the gamble worth taking, but to do it just because? 

Poison baits in general are horrific and I wish they were all illegal. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on July 18, 2013, 03:28:34 PM
QuoteDoes an iguana have any other kind of look??
there's a "I hate you" look a "dont come near me" look and a "I hate you dont come near me look"

QuoteCome on! You've got to take a photo of that and post it!
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi333.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fm394%2FPoseidon_Simons%2F557034_10151156352669694_1748296156_n_zps79ffc7fc.jpg&hash=c3c636c2e90d5e62b70c4aaee01122190c2d197b) (http://s333.photobucket.com/user/Poseidon_Simons/media/557034_10151156352669694_1748296156_n_zps79ffc7fc.jpg.html)
snapshot from ahalf a year ago. This is his "I am ignoring you" look
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 18, 2013, 04:59:02 PM
Poor old iggy.  :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 18, 2013, 05:46:21 PM
Quote from: MariaEvri on July 18, 2013, 03:28:34 PM
QuoteDoes an iguana have any other kind of look??
there's a "I hate you" look a "dont come near me" look and a "I hate you dont come near me look"

QuoteCome on! You've got to take a photo of that and post it!
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi333.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fm394%2FPoseidon_Simons%2F557034_10151156352669694_1748296156_n_zps79ffc7fc.jpg&hash=c3c636c2e90d5e62b70c4aaee01122190c2d197b) (http://s333.photobucket.com/user/Poseidon_Simons/media/557034_10151156352669694_1748296156_n_zps79ffc7fc.jpg.html)
snapshot from ahalf a year ago. This is his "I am ignoring you" look
That's sooooo mean!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 18, 2013, 05:49:02 PM
I hope for your sake those beasties don't have poisonous fangs.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 18, 2013, 09:29:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-iv0osMhdzD4%2FUebNzXwjI1I%2FAAAAAAAAImM%2FNvGhfIc6Hg4%2Fs640%2F32-Tattoos-To-Make-You-Lose-Faith-In-Humanity-6.jpg&hash=443f43d0b0a1a1941d730dea6b88b5998ea0b4b4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 18, 2013, 10:28:56 PM
^ LOL.  

That reminds me, I saw a teenage boy in the supermarket with PRAISE! on his baseball cap and SHUN FALSE PRIDE on his T-shirt.  I wondered if he was religious or something.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 18, 2013, 10:29:00 PM
Hah. Someone ought to get lazered.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 19, 2013, 12:15:26 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on July 18, 2013, 10:29:00 PM
Hah. Someone ought to get lazered.

With one of these:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages4.wikia.nocookie.net%2F__cb20080416180543%2Fstarwars%2Fnl%2Fimages%2F1%2F11%2FXX-9.jpg&hash=42107f801d39165211ec45ccdd3ad4f59c2d45a2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 19, 2013, 09:22:04 AM
Meh... Was thinking of a much cooler real version  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 20, 2013, 08:35:27 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F540198_518041308265911_461495455_n.jpg&hash=44697df8749084f19d06ec8576c97079c20af1df)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 20, 2013, 08:43:51 AM
Q) What is the ultimate in bad bedroom etiquette?
A) Farting while receiving oral sex.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 20, 2013, 08:52:38 AM
Q) What do vegetarian atheists put on their salad?

A) Baby carrots.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 20, 2013, 09:40:48 AM
Quote from: TankQ) What is the ultimate in bad bedroom etiquette?
A) Farting while receiving oral sex.

Oh dear!  Have I been doing it wrong all these years?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 20, 2013, 09:58:23 AM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7648052992/h24911CD7/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 20, 2013, 11:53:04 AM
http://sphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1071643_10151707879691730_129453760_o.jpg
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 20, 2013, 11:54:58 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F1003007_488070177952396_46578274_n.jpg&hash=8451d5992e9bc94d3fc658314c78f1b22b28b316)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 20, 2013, 10:53:53 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1001814_615401978481181_1183407686_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Velma on July 21, 2013, 03:32:24 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 21, 2013, 05:37:25 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F1075298_151916538335663_627506869_n.jpg&hash=f6993e7582c8afe2282a665dc3b1274aa8fa6a1f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 21, 2013, 05:52:13 PM
^ I know how that feels.  :o


A cop pulls over Heisenberg's car, and asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg angrily replies, "No, but now I'm lost! Thanks a lot!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on July 22, 2013, 01:29:37 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweknowmemes.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F04%2Fholy-crap-i-look-fabulous.jpg&hash=2857e88a6a98ca43b3ec6ca251b1cb1a65cee0b4)

and

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweknowgifs.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F03%2Fbehind-me-isnt-it-cat-gif.gif&hash=116dc0279ce741f581e1a28c6d5bdf8ee10cb033)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 24, 2013, 12:49:06 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F998430_510920402310918_181636797_n.jpg&hash=0500e4efb8277c8c923352477ec6cf07932fb09b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 24, 2013, 04:17:30 PM
Yes. Thank god for giving some people the IQ of a door.  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 25, 2013, 04:57:42 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F-oW1LbWZKJ-Q%2FUfEvzYlA_iI%2FAAAAAAAASu0%2FrtLVpquVECo%2Fs640%2Fee9502f2d7cd6b57c477924c5ddd7b51.600x.jpg&hash=68682ae1a0b71d2673cd737f35c08518bfac0dc7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 25, 2013, 06:33:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2Ff535%2Fy7u1t86q4wy2u194g.jpg&hash=3e26565375f3a5318cd5eb6d80275977ddb43eb1) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/y7u1t86q4wy2u19/521606_280030775472513_735051831_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 25, 2013, 06:52:07 PM
A pink fluffy bunny.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 25, 2013, 08:01:24 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F1003170_10151719927626730_394909977_n.jpg&hash=8611f030217a6410db27a11302d0f3f2e8f24e83)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 25, 2013, 08:15:07 PM
Hah! Good one, Tank...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 25, 2013, 08:16:15 PM
Quote from: joeactor on July 25, 2013, 08:15:07 PM
Hah! Good one, Tank...
Found it on facebook  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on July 25, 2013, 09:15:35 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on July 25, 2013, 06:33:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2Ff535%2Fy7u1t86q4wy2u194g.jpg&hash=3e26565375f3a5318cd5eb6d80275977ddb43eb1) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/y7u1t86q4wy2u19/521606_280030775472513_735051831_n.jpg)

How can anyone live down being slain by anything?!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 26, 2013, 05:35:47 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on July 25, 2013, 09:15:35 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on July 25, 2013, 06:33:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2Ff535%2Fy7u1t86q4wy2u194g.jpg&hash=3e26565375f3a5318cd5eb6d80275977ddb43eb1) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/y7u1t86q4wy2u19/521606_280030775472513_735051831_n.jpg)

How can anyone live down being slain by anything?!
:D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 26, 2013, 05:36:02 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F21463_394525020653553_321991363_n.jpg&hash=d3e8b1475fbd38a366fe450a5df1507457c690b9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on July 26, 2013, 07:34:56 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.stupidgifs.com%2Fimages%2Ffull%2F829.gif&hash=7cedef5753a72295ae0fb3538b33f6dc8c00b0d1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on July 26, 2013, 05:05:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FdVNpdl6.jpg&hash=04b614a12b05eec6db1523f76ab9e8fda3ae9367)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 28, 2013, 10:28:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F42eb%2Fbdx8z4q6a34oa9q4g.jpg&hash=ae8f270dd622f30169906a911717f6efed50ac43) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/bdx8z4q6a34oa9q/1000453_602506373114603_698111335_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 28, 2013, 02:30:29 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on July 28, 2013, 10:28:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F42eb%2Fbdx8z4q6a34oa9q4g.jpg&hash=ae8f270dd622f30169906a911717f6efed50ac43) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/bdx8z4q6a34oa9q/1000453_602506373114603_698111335_n.jpg)

<- True dat
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on July 28, 2013, 08:36:17 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/968847_346372162159406_1276008741_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 29, 2013, 06:26:49 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F1010406_659486187412917_698699660_n.jpg&hash=2982f5bf8186751b960534633060b60ee5aa626a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 29, 2013, 09:56:38 AM
No, that's what happens when you fart in a Peel P50.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 29, 2013, 04:35:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F999168_499745143428601_475898588_n.jpg&hash=c8dddbc76d76df38e521f8cf44c5eeb313766268)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 31, 2013, 01:55:17 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Funderwater-swim_zps7efabbb5.jpg&hash=055983fb6f01e8d824edd21f88978c5137880c7a) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/underwater-swim_zps7efabbb5.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 31, 2013, 04:57:26 PM
I'm struggling with the logistical requirements nessesary for breaking that law.... :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 31, 2013, 06:12:22 PM
I'm not. You can not smoke in a submarine, an underwater car tunnel or the like in addition to not being able to smoke any underwater smokes, should such be developed.

That said, would someone explain this:
Quote from: Guardian85 on July 28, 2013, 10:28:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F42eb%2Fbdx8z4q6a34oa9q4g.jpg&hash=ae8f270dd622f30169906a911717f6efed50ac43) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/bdx8z4q6a34oa9q/1000453_602506373114603_698111335_n.jpg)
...Because me, I don't get it at all.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 31, 2013, 06:55:56 PM
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 31, 2013, 07:51:11 PM
^ Good one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 31, 2013, 08:02:04 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on July 31, 2013, 06:12:22 PM
I'm not. You can not smoke in a submarine, an underwater car tunnel or the like in addition to not being able to smoke any underwater smokes, should such be developed.

That said, would someone explain this:
Quote from: Guardian85 on July 28, 2013, 10:28:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F42eb%2Fbdx8z4q6a34oa9q4g.jpg&hash=ae8f270dd622f30169906a911717f6efed50ac43) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/bdx8z4q6a34oa9q/1000453_602506373114603_698111335_n.jpg)
...Because me, I don't get it at all.

You are not the only one. I don't get it either.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on August 01, 2013, 08:02:11 AM
It's Yourkshire day.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 01, 2013, 08:15:03 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on August 01, 2013, 08:02:11 AM
It's Yourkshire day.
Not bad!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 01, 2013, 09:40:39 AM
It is indeed Yorkshire Day.  On rhe radio this morning, an old Yorkshire chap told this joke:

An old Yorkshireman lay dying, and asked his wife for a candle to brighten his dying hours.

"Nay, lad, tha knows the price of candles these days."

"Ah, coom on, lass, just to brighten me passing."

"All right, then, but if tha feels theeself slipping away, blow it out."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on August 03, 2013, 03:29:24 PM
(https://sphotos-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1098348_10153076133335128_1354339694_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 03, 2013, 07:23:17 PM
^ An astute observation PC. 

I have even caught flak for arriving 10 minutes past the magic hour when I had been doing company assigned work at a different location.  That work had begun three hours earlier while the damned supervisor was still in bed. Now he gives me some shit?  That happened more than once. I decided to bag it all and start my own business which worked out rather well for nearly 40 years.. Glad I did it that way.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on August 03, 2013, 08:18:04 PM
On my end, it's more clients that expect me to drop what I'm doing and come running to assist them when they arrive, even at the expense of the safety of the dogs already in my care.  Yet they have no problem calling 5 minutes after we've closed to tell us they're going to be 30 minutes late to pick up their dog.  I had my own business, but it was about the same.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 05, 2013, 09:40:26 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F1011596_553832744678787_1837603660_n.jpg&hash=f41f1dbedcfd530edf1c36dc415e7fd8f28a49cf)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 07, 2013, 06:12:11 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F969405_539179819489398_295121532_n.jpg&hash=5186740dd0aa30706e62e8eef133f94791d41a6d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 07, 2013, 09:11:51 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F1150421_189673177873483_1895288386_n.jpg&hash=20c2ca37e8b0a6507219aac83bef8913c8a07091)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 07, 2013, 10:11:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fdicktater_zps8151cfed.jpg&hash=3d55d9315694528664e6c49111d9d6eff1023bba) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/dicktater_zps8151cfed.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 07, 2013, 10:18:09 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-lF91T9ccd10%2FUf-6sQPSh5I%2FAAAAAAAAGzc%2FizyVyaAOjMc%2Fs1600%2F851217186325fd7bccd3afb55cb52fe5.jpg&hash=63d7a7f1374f06ff37db60eedd95658309d0052a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 07, 2013, 10:18:48 AM
One for PastaChick

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F1150407_10151635668183462_899163788_n.jpg&hash=86e6fc05b9e621cbfe5b8c0936e8ecfd856c4659)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on August 07, 2013, 02:29:27 PM
Quote from: OldGit on August 07, 2013, 10:11:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fdicktater_zps8151cfed.jpg&hash=3d55d9315694528664e6c49111d9d6eff1023bba) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/dicktater_zps8151cfed.jpg.html)

... reminds me of Baldric from Blackadder...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 07, 2013, 06:43:51 PM
He has a point!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F1006035_10151749274756730_926448529_n.jpg&hash=a98ac54799f6145c21925d4759674ee04f21fb15)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 08, 2013, 05:34:28 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1098341_539637722776941_373851936_n.jpg&hash=284781911b1cfa2c206206527b0edf0f435e5972)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 08, 2013, 05:39:49 AM
Why..? It looks like a smirk, if anything.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 08, 2013, 05:42:48 AM
^ Awww, precious little guy
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 08, 2013, 08:39:45 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F999710_337194139748964_477234232_n.jpg&hash=1a98f1b1872f1608e370e97f533427830d30ca7e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on August 08, 2013, 11:48:28 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 07, 2013, 10:18:48 AM
One for PastaChick

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F1150407_10151635668183462_899163788_n.jpg&hash=86e6fc05b9e621cbfe5b8c0936e8ecfd856c4659)

Hahaha...

I lived with two Huskies and a Rottweiler for a bit.  The Rottie was the best singer by far.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 10, 2013, 06:31:08 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fhoodedutilitarian.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F07%2Ffar-side-dogs.jpg&hash=f04692d16452415491dd8c3fe0ee5dbbee5212ef)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 10, 2013, 06:34:07 AM
^ ^ ^ ^
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffunnyasduck.net%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F11%2Ffunny-god-why-invent-dogs-cat-standing-up-paws-sky-pics.jpg&hash=7693f9fe05b0aea9a753e7108d2d9a82dc567d17)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 10, 2013, 11:14:11 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F954781_10151634691168208_20035219_n.jpg&hash=a13b218ee8aaec824172ff489ad0a4e95e63fe7c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Stevil on August 10, 2013, 10:13:06 PM
Q: What kind of biscuits do ducks eat?
A: Quackers

Bull says to Cow "Let's have sex?"
Cow says to Bull "I'm not in the Mooed"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 11, 2013, 04:31:46 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F1148789_540847555989291_2015627616_n.jpg&hash=0973203f5a72f1b6f0af2787d274ac53889dcd99)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 12, 2013, 05:29:31 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F1150408_10151758122181730_503725892_n.jpg&hash=bc4b5d597f5200a9ad1cd68e866ebff8141cdd68)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 12, 2013, 07:15:44 AM
Quote from: Tank on August 11, 2013, 04:31:46 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F1148789_540847555989291_2015627616_n.jpg&hash=0973203f5a72f1b6f0af2787d274ac53889dcd99)

lol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 12, 2013, 09:40:33 AM
A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin.  Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want
You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request).
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..
"You want... Garlic Chicken with Black Bean Sauce?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 12, 2013, 09:45:15 AM
Quote from: OldGit on August 12, 2013, 09:40:33 AM
A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin.  Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want
You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request).
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..
"You want... Garlic Chicken with Black Bean Sauce?"
If they are both Chinese why are they speaking English?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 12, 2013, 02:13:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft0.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcRCl6YNER3RoPEfkoCOs7352cn_AeSgcQ6aKw3vEI5fSFvPMXoe&hash=be93e7fb1659d2b4bb1f6b1e24e1227c575acc0f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 12, 2013, 06:40:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F602702_573370286039589_78159134_n.jpg&hash=62c981c1c52a851df7d8a01196e23af2085504a2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on August 12, 2013, 07:04:15 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 12, 2013, 09:45:15 AM
Quote from: OldGit on August 12, 2013, 09:40:33 AM
A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin.  Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want
You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request).
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..
"You want... Garlic Chicken with Black Bean Sauce?"
If they are both Chinese why are they speaking English?  ???

Pigeon English.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 12, 2013, 10:01:19 PM
Never mind those picky detail hounds Git. I thought it was a cute joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 13, 2013, 04:55:33 PM
Quote from: OldGit on August 12, 2013, 09:40:33 AM
A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin.  Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want
You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request).
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..
"You want... Garlic Chicken with Black Bean Sauce?"

Great! Now I'm hungry...  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 13, 2013, 07:08:11 PM
Quote from: IcarusI thought it was a cute joke.

Thank you, friend. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 14, 2013, 05:59:21 AM
One for Asmo:


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.funnycoolstuff.com%2Fimages%2Fdiet-cat.jpg&hash=979cd53a227aa30928bf756dabc7324c063bcbaa)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 14, 2013, 08:14:45 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.koffii.com%2FProcessImage%2F4%2FProfiles%2FRosspeter%2Fimages%2FFunny-Sports.jpg16165.jpg&hash=da4c39dc18a6c63ddd9bd1371b86560610e118b1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 14, 2013, 10:14:46 AM
Quote from: magdalena on August 14, 2013, 05:59:21 AM
One for Asmo:


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.funnycoolstuff.com%2Fimages%2Fdiet-cat.jpg&hash=979cd53a227aa30928bf756dabc7324c063bcbaa)
YES! By the Power of Asmo, the rattie emerges victorious  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on August 15, 2013, 04:08:15 AM
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar and begin ordering drinks. The first orders a beer, the second orders a half of a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, the fourth order an eighth of a beer, etc. After ten or so place their orders the bartender heads to the tap, pours two full beers and passes them across before telling the crowd of nerds they need to know their limits.

Maybe I'm weird but....
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femo%2Flaughing%2Frolling.gif&hash=8fc35ed82ad3b53ece5b79d66804b746c06321dd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on August 15, 2013, 04:37:40 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on August 15, 2013, 04:08:15 AM
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar and begin ordering drinks. The first orders a beer, the second orders a half of a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, the fourth order an eighth of a beer, etc. After ten or so place their orders the bartender heads to the tap, pours two full beers and passes them across before telling the crowd of nerds they need to know their limits.

Maybe I'm weird but....
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femo%2Flaughing%2Frolling.gif&hash=8fc35ed82ad3b53ece5b79d66804b746c06321dd)

:) That was cute! I should totally convince my math-nerd friend to go out and do that with me the next time we go grab a drink of something somewhere. Maybe we'll even throw decimals in. "I'd like 0.5 coffees, please!" "I'll take half a coffee, please!" - and then see if they can figure it out.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on August 15, 2013, 04:43:25 AM
 A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered: "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
   
Several days later, he received an email from  his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow...
Love,
Mom.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on August 15, 2013, 05:37:09 AM
Quote from: Amicale on August 15, 2013, 04:37:40 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on August 15, 2013, 04:08:15 AM
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar and begin ordering drinks. The first orders a beer, the second orders a half of a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, the fourth order an eighth of a beer, etc. After ten or so place their orders the bartender heads to the tap, pours two full beers and passes them across before telling the crowd of nerds they need to know their limits.

Maybe I'm weird but....
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femo%2Flaughing%2Frolling.gif&hash=8fc35ed82ad3b53ece5b79d66804b746c06321dd)

:) That was cute! I should totally convince my math-nerd friend to go out and do that with me the next time we go grab a drink of something somewhere. Maybe we'll even throw decimals in. "I'd like 0.5 coffees, please!" "I'll take half a coffee, please!" - and then see if they can figure it out.

Ah, but you will need infinitely many friends for full effect!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 15, 2013, 05:43:33 AM
Quote from: Amicale on August 15, 2013, 04:43:25 AM
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered: "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
   
Several days later, he received an email from  his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow...
Love,
Mom.

lol...good one.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 15, 2013, 07:32:04 AM
What's red and white and screams?
A peeled baby in a bucket of salt.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 15, 2013, 08:20:09 AM
Quote from: Scissorlegs on August 15, 2013, 07:32:04 AM
What's red and white and screams?
A peeled baby in a bucket of salt.
:o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on August 15, 2013, 08:28:14 AM
What's red and white and screams?

A drunk Canadian wearing nothing more than a flag over his head at a hockey game.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 15, 2013, 09:07:33 AM
Quote from: Niya on August 15, 2013, 08:20:09 AM
Quote from: Scissorlegs on August 15, 2013, 07:32:04 AM
What's red and white and screams?
A peeled baby in a bucket of salt.
:o
What is pink and turns read at the flick of a switch?
A baby in a blender.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 15, 2013, 09:54:06 AM
Quote from: Tank on August 15, 2013, 09:07:33 AM
Quote from: Niya on August 15, 2013, 08:20:09 AM
Quote from: Scissorlegs on August 15, 2013, 07:32:04 AM
What's red and white and screams?
A peeled baby in a bucket of salt.
:o
What is pink and turns read at the flick of a switch?
A baby in a blender.

What's silver and red and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 15, 2013, 09:54:45 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1150241_644756048876549_1484559464_n.jpg&hash=ff183006de5626fdae8db4ad55b0e07efcb71a5b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 15, 2013, 10:25:55 AM
^ LOL
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 15, 2013, 10:42:22 AM
LOL...why did she run out instead of ROFL. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 15, 2013, 12:43:53 PM
^ So he wouldn't see her laughing.


What't the difference between a cartload of babies and a cartload of sand?



;D˙ʞɹoɟɥɔʇıd ɐ ɥʇıʍ puɐs pɐoןun ʇ,uɐɔ noʎ
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 15, 2013, 12:48:07 PM
Three reasons to give Exams
.
1- You can spend 3 hours in self-meditation
2- You can complete your sleep
3- You can see your teacher being bored who normally bores you.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on August 15, 2013, 12:49:34 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 15, 2013, 09:54:45 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1150241_644756048876549_1484559464_n.jpg&hash=ff183006de5626fdae8db4ad55b0e07efcb71a5b)

LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 15, 2013, 12:52:47 PM
A boy and a girl stydying in grade 5 asked their teacher: Sir can kids of our age have kids??
.
Teacher: No! why do you ask?

Boy to girl: See I told you not to worry.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on August 15, 2013, 02:39:07 PM
... another LOL for Tank's Nurse joke!


A young man visits a house of ill repute for his first sexual experience.
The madam suggests he start with the 69 position.
Unfortunately, the prostitute he selects has had cabbage for lunch.
They get started and she can't contain herself and passes gas.
The young man says "Whoa!" and they stop.
She apologizes and they continue.
This happens again - she again apologizes and they continue.
On the third time, the young man gets out of bed.
When she says "What's wrong?" he replies "I don't think I can take 66 more of those!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 15, 2013, 04:34:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpagead2.googlesyndication.com%2Fsimgad%2F1469005495251362770&hash=3a084bf2cc23a978f6f10004877e7de993b5a7f2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on August 15, 2013, 05:20:29 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages6.fanpop.com%2Fimage%2Fphotos%2F35100000%2Ffunny-funny-pictures-35158328-470-513.jpg&hash=c0541e79f59551e5d7b13183b27a76f4835891a8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on August 15, 2013, 10:48:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.ifcdn.com%2Fimages%2F39d020b9974095991622503278cf89d5afb7b7aee6eff03994b71f56388213ec_1.jpg&hash=718cd7c01ef20558dac1498673bbc93718fdd8f5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 16, 2013, 01:38:45 AM
Not all deities are as inventive as His Omnigrayness when it comes to properly imposing pet names.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 16, 2013, 10:48:47 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.ifcdn.com%2Fimages%2F39d020b9974095991622503278cf89d5afb7b7aee6eff03994b71f56388213ec_1.jpg&hash=718cd7c01ef20558dac1498673bbc93718fdd8f5)

Hey, that's a philology joke!  You don't hear many of those.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 16, 2013, 11:01:43 AM
A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on August 16, 2013, 02:13:24 PM
Quote from: OldGit on August 16, 2013, 11:01:43 AM
A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 16, 2013, 05:05:15 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1184902_581273725269780_64412683_n.jpg&hash=f8414ded1bf52de3bc029d8ccba354fcb0aabd4b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on August 16, 2013, 05:46:54 PM
LOL! That's a good one Tank. Here's another Canadian one - it would be funny if it wasn't so accurate it's scary.  :D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg7.joyreactor.com%2Fpics%2Fpost%2Ffunny-pictures-auto-completelyseriouscomics-canada-479747.jpeg&hash=3fa8bc5a46289f9d36fb510a9656233b17a383d7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 16, 2013, 05:51:55 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.ifcdn.com%2Fimages%2F39d020b9974095991622503278cf89d5afb7b7aee6eff03994b71f56388213ec_1.jpg&hash=718cd7c01ef20558dac1498673bbc93718fdd8f5)


LOL! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 16, 2013, 07:41:09 PM
Nineteen Irishmen go to the cinema; the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 16, 2013, 10:39:21 PM
Pelican swoops down and scoops up a frog. He promptly swallows the frog. Pelican is flying along and frog yells up and asks; how high are we flying? Pelican says; about 600 feet. Frog says; you wouldnt shit me would ya?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on August 17, 2013, 01:55:16 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1011456_647683031919378_2042363915_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 17, 2013, 11:46:05 AM
Billy Graham's Faith Healing Show is visiting Amsterdam. During the show a man shouts from the audience: "I can walk! I can walk! Billy Graham shouts back "Halleluja, did the Lord cure you?". "No" , said the man, "A SOB has stolen my bike".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 17, 2013, 12:00:23 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on August 17, 2013, 11:46:05 AM
Billy Graham's Faith Healing Show is visiting Amsterdam. During the show a man shouts from the audience: "I can walk! I can walk! Billy Graham shouts back "Halleluja, did the Lord cure you?". "No" , said the man, "A SOB has stolen my bike".
Well that's no problem all he'd need would be a universal key (a pair of blot cutters) to steal somebody else's!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 17, 2013, 04:05:20 PM
Quote from: Tom62Billy Graham's Faith Healing Show is visiting Amsterdam. During the show a man shouts from the audience: "I can walk! I can walk! Billy Graham shouts back "Halleluja, did the Lord cure you?". "No" , said the man, "A SOB has stolen my bike".

:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 18, 2013, 12:24:29 AM
The musician at a piano bar often brought his small dog to work. On one occassion the dog jumped onto the bar and walked down to a particular customer who was having a gin and tonic. The dog hiked his leg and hosed down the G&T. The customer approached the piano player and said, angrily,: do you know your dog pissed in my gin?  Piano guy says: no, but hum a few bars and I will try to pick up the tune.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on August 18, 2013, 01:27:56 PM
old news but still

http://i333.photobucket.com/albums/m394/Poseidon_Simons/go-away_zps6ca93f6f.jpeg
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 18, 2013, 06:24:19 PM
^ lol


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 19, 2013, 06:56:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F543419_10151551008486244_1959204039_n.jpg&hash=465c1788fa4fc066cf0885ff813ec3ddeebb22ee)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on August 19, 2013, 11:25:47 PM
A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states;
"Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time."
"Am I pregnant? That is wonderful news."
"No, you have bowel cancer."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on August 20, 2013, 12:20:09 AM
Inertia 101:  Granite blocks do not have breaks.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft0.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcRPFKrRYIoPFzSxfI1VAUSDi7gpsWpzfyidZGkRFnWtVHp8IIR-&hash=290b6b4f49f31d890aea34324f99887282227fec)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 20, 2013, 12:37:23 AM
^ breaks....brakes.  Different deal altogether. (did I spell altogether correctly?)

Sorry about being a spelling geek. You can bust me the next time I mess up a spelling. There will be a next time when I do it wrong, Maybe I already did.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on August 20, 2013, 12:50:41 AM
Autocorrect.
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.legend-gaming.net%2Fjenjidai%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2FShaking_Fist_emoticon.gif&hash=5df070d6c4fa6d36b0f3a93785f0539fd8573438)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 20, 2013, 05:39:50 AM
Quote from: Niya on August 15, 2013, 04:34:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpagead2.googlesyndication.com%2Fsimgad%2F1469005495251362770&hash=3a084bf2cc23a978f6f10004877e7de993b5a7f2)

Hey Niya,
Is this their version of "Girls Gone Wild?"
;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 20, 2013, 06:09:01 AM
lol yeah...burqa zindabad! (means, long live the hijab)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 20, 2013, 06:32:18 AM
Quote from: Niya on August 20, 2013, 06:09:01 AM
lol yeah...burqa zindabad! (means, long live the hijab)
I sincerely hope she has a helmet under her hijab.  :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 20, 2013, 06:35:01 AM
Quote from: magdalena on August 20, 2013, 06:32:18 AM
Quote from: Niya on August 20, 2013, 06:09:01 AM
lol yeah...burqa zindabad! (means, long live the hijab)
I sincerely hope she has a helmet under her hijab.  :o
Does it look like it? I don't think so. In a culture where women are just wombs on legs and you can always get another one why waste money on a crash helmet. They're expensive you know!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 20, 2013, 06:42:19 AM
Quote from: Tank on August 20, 2013, 06:35:01 AM
Quote from: magdalena on August 20, 2013, 06:32:18 AM
Quote from: Niya on August 20, 2013, 06:09:01 AM
lol yeah...burqa zindabad! (means, long live the hijab)
I sincerely hope she has a helmet under her hijab.  :o
Does it look like it? I don't think so. In a culture where women are just wombs on legs and you can always get another one why waste money on a crash helmet. They're expensive you know!
>:( Tank

This particular one is a risk taker, this one is special.
She's on a motorcycle, (holding on to a man), legs to the side (for modesty) and she's showing her ankles, part of her face and her writs!
IMO, she's already years ahead of her time.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 20, 2013, 06:50:10 AM
Quote from: magdalena on August 20, 2013, 06:42:19 AM
Quote from: Tank on August 20, 2013, 06:35:01 AM
Quote from: magdalena on August 20, 2013, 06:32:18 AM
Quote from: Niya on August 20, 2013, 06:09:01 AM
lol yeah...burqa zindabad! (means, long live the hijab)
I sincerely hope she has a helmet under her hijab.  :o
Does it look like it? I don't think so. In a culture where women are just wombs on legs and you can always get another one why waste money on a crash helmet. They're expensive you know!
>:( Tank

This particular one is a risk taker, this one is special.
She's on a motorcycle, (holding on to a man), legs to the side (for modesty) and she's showing her ankles, part of her face and her writs!
IMO, she's already years ahead of her time.
We need a sarcasm font!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 20, 2013, 07:02:38 AM
Quote from: Tank on August 20, 2013, 06:50:10 AM
Quote from: magdalena on August 20, 2013, 06:42:19 AM
Quote from: Tank on August 20, 2013, 06:35:01 AM
Quote from: magdalena on August 20, 2013, 06:32:18 AM
Quote from: Niya on August 20, 2013, 06:09:01 AM
lol yeah...burqa zindabad! (means, long live the hijab)
I sincerely hope she has a helmet under her hijab.  :o
Does it look like it? I don't think so. In a culture where women are just wombs on legs and you can always get another one why waste money on a crash helmet. They're expensive you know!
>:( Tank

This particular one is a risk taker, this one is special.
She's on a motorcycle, (holding on to a man), legs to the side (for modesty) and she's showing her ankles, part of her face and her writs!
IMO, she's already years ahead of her time.
We need a sarcasm font!

;D  ;D  ;D
A very big red one ALL CAPS with an exclamation point.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 20, 2013, 07:35:06 AM
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ?
The logician replies: "yes".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 20, 2013, 08:23:35 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/p480x480/1044085_610499132307571_425665472_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 21, 2013, 08:17:55 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1186295_546121538795226_1772288596_n.jpg)

I wonder if its a punishment by the missus  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 21, 2013, 08:21:03 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1146498_546008125473234_686128455_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 21, 2013, 08:21:48 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/1005793_545694152171298_247955555_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 21, 2013, 08:25:33 AM
Boneless Bananas!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 21, 2013, 08:38:12 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1174806_545734975500549_580408861_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 21, 2013, 02:11:06 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F999864_10151778380681730_1647181304_n.jpg&hash=0c59003d1841c15bb6703be45b45eb00428bd5fb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 22, 2013, 06:04:42 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F1006249_474495879308914_1082206761_n.jpg&hash=cebf1ab1f9e7643dc539c37d8a42899d72887871)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 22, 2013, 06:14:22 AM
Quote from: Tank on August 22, 2013, 06:04:42 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F1006249_474495879308914_1082206761_n.jpg&hash=cebf1ab1f9e7643dc539c37d8a42899d72887871)
lol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 22, 2013, 01:44:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F1186878_489618824462928_1780565106_n.jpg&hash=ea74e4d91c6fd0dfed670bd46285d849840071b9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 24, 2013, 06:41:35 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/935941_195556490615495_1824175416_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on August 24, 2013, 05:39:26 PM
Because there should be even more Star Wars:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/558836_733816273314495_194032381_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 24, 2013, 07:30:38 PM
Who is that Wenter-somethingorother?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on August 24, 2013, 08:51:56 PM
No idea.  Some actor, I take it.  I didn't find it terribly relevant, given the visual aide. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on August 24, 2013, 09:10:53 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on August 24, 2013, 07:30:38 PM
Who is that Wenter-somethingorother?  ???

From Prison Break don't think he has done anything else.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 25, 2013, 11:39:38 AM
Quote from: Crow on August 24, 2013, 09:10:53 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on August 24, 2013, 07:30:38 PM
Who is that Wenter-somethingorother?  ???

From Prison Break don't think he has done anything else.
Methink I saw that face as someoneorother in somethigorother, but I didn't see Prison Break, so it wasn't that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 26, 2013, 01:02:45 AM
Keeping in the Star Wars theme.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstarwarsfunny.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F02%2Fstorm_trooper_what-I-actually-do.jpg&hash=9ca9331d11f2377e42bd11b1c484ab9ffc05fdb9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on August 26, 2013, 01:36:35 AM
^Ha!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on August 26, 2013, 01:37:39 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Frack.3.mshcdn.com%2Fmedia%2FZgkyMDEyLzA1LzA0LzE4XzAwXzMyXzg2NV9maWxlCnAJdGh1bWIJODUweDU5MD4KZQlqcGc%2F97d88204.jpg&hash=3c22a729d84623a96173094dfeffa75fb19de713)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 26, 2013, 10:11:41 AM
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" she says excitedly. "As soon as mummy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because mummy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 27, 2013, 01:33:25 AM
Ooooh, Git that was ugly   ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on August 27, 2013, 05:22:00 AM
/\ lol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 27, 2013, 08:29:25 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fassets.amuniversal.com%2F697bb8f0ebf301300ab6001dd8b71c47&hash=eff9c96d719e9f372a187acbb4bede1b2a2275f1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 28, 2013, 03:26:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F1098287_549840235090023_1699205666_n.jpg&hash=2e42256ff3e2728ad008f691ff65463bb8550f6e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 28, 2013, 04:21:52 PM
Eh..? There be a joke about sleeping on the job there, yes? What is The Asmo not getting?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 28, 2013, 04:29:47 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on August 28, 2013, 04:21:52 PM
Eh..? There be a joke about sleeping on the job there, yes? What is The Asmo not getting?  ???
Counting sheep is supposed to cure insomnia.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 28, 2013, 04:33:34 PM
Ooh! Ooh! Right, of course!  :D

The Asmo, He calculates complex functions in stead. for example, dead babies as a function of severed body parts.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 29, 2013, 10:31:50 AM
Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door.
She says, "Who is it?"
A male voice responds, "The blind man."
After a few moments of deliberation the nun says, "Come in."
The man enters and says, "Nice tits, Mrs Nun. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 01, 2013, 07:33:14 AM
^^^
lol  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 01, 2013, 12:15:20 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1098030_475263779236709_1670477918_n.jpg&hash=02f448ca0443485f859d99274ba526761644af99)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on September 01, 2013, 02:15:20 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fhygen.net%2Fsites%2Fdefault%2Ffiles%2Fimages%2Fpython-joke.jpg&hash=27565f3ee063248597847c7b36e24e702961d2c9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 01, 2013, 03:11:13 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FxDZxnGU.jpg&hash=381407026ad529740e0051896491ac264a8f57e4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on September 01, 2013, 03:23:21 PM
LOL! That's a delivery person with attitude, a good sense of humour and awesome customer service.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 04, 2013, 02:18:51 PM
Jesus Take the Wheel (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151837691634709)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 04, 2013, 09:07:01 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 04, 2013, 09:19:39 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fbeer-boobs_zpsbdf02377.jpg&hash=e6a201b83a641a7f208c3e5509c12406f5a1bf34) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/beer-boobs_zpsbdf02377.jpg.html)

-------------------------------------------------------

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fbar_zps2bd49097.jpg&hash=12ed14b5e194b22c4b6972ab460ea860dbcb3c91) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/bar_zps2bd49097.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 05, 2013, 02:11:49 AM
... for some reason, I *REALLY* want a beer right now ;-)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 05, 2013, 09:17:58 AM
Quote from: joeactor on September 05, 2013, 02:11:49 AM
... for some reason, I *REALLY* want a beer right now ;-)
Dag nabit now I do too!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 05, 2013, 03:46:26 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 05, 2013, 09:17:58 AM
Quote from: joeactor on September 05, 2013, 02:11:49 AM
... for some reason, I *REALLY* want a beer right now ;-)
Dag nabit now I do too!
Me three!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 05, 2013, 06:14:48 PM
Let The Asmo poke a hole in your parade: He wants a kebab. Without beer or any other form of alcohol.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 06, 2013, 06:20:52 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F1235165_10200099910294433_494290026_n.jpg&hash=f8f347121b9749f3e9c5d217d6c0948008712dfe)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on September 06, 2013, 06:39:38 AM
Quote from: Tank on September 06, 2013, 06:20:52 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc3%2F1235165_10200099910294433_494290026_n.jpg&hash=f8f347121b9749f3e9c5d217d6c0948008712dfe)

ewwww!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 06, 2013, 02:27:57 PM
(23 years later)

SWF seeks short men. Must be under 5' - No exceptions!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 07, 2013, 01:29:17 AM
(https://sphotos-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1151026_510086385751946_1603732849_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 13, 2013, 08:13:40 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F561967_574073889322560_1011892258_n.jpg&hash=9a7b390394677eeed14c6ec672f24270a655e6d2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 13, 2013, 08:29:32 PM
Doesn't work for The Asmo. Unfortunately, He is developing a near-immunity like tolerance to caffeine.  :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on September 13, 2013, 11:20:43 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on September 13, 2013, 08:29:32 PM
Doesn't work for The Asmo. Unfortunately, He is developing a near-immunity like tolerance to caffeine.  :(

Modafinial or armodafinil. They are very good at keeping you awake and also very proactive in everything even if you have been awake for 48 hours straight. You concept of time goes out of the window though.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 14, 2013, 01:37:49 AM
Insomnia is also good for keeping an Asmo awake. Slightly zombified though... Kind of like Jesus. Only with neatly waxed eyebrows and proper clothing in stead of some dirty rag.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 15, 2013, 10:25:03 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F1239989_10151832311336730_1769982938_n.jpg&hash=e56c6751a2ff0b8c50600419314ff9ddec74c2ba)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on September 15, 2013, 11:41:57 AM
Quote from: Tank on September 15, 2013, 10:25:03 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn2%2F1239989_10151832311336730_1769982938_n.jpg&hash=e56c6751a2ff0b8c50600419314ff9ddec74c2ba)

Not strictly true.... an atom doesn't make up everything,  quarks for example ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 15, 2013, 01:37:29 PM
Also, photons, gluons, the "empty" space... And I'm sure there is far more of that last one than there is of "everything"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 15, 2013, 08:16:02 PM
Plus it was a bad pun!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 15, 2013, 10:22:00 PM
Maybe a bad pun but it made me smile. Sciency persons, like Claire, gotta go with stuff like that. It's in their DNA.. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 16, 2013, 11:28:27 AM
...and then there are the humorless evil scientists like The Asmo.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 17, 2013, 07:47:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Fd05303168b9533a9283f18bf07503e0f%2Ftumblr_mt9pnyOMuG1r0wqrdo1_500.jpg&hash=73a1d73413c87619f057159ed0911d5cfa225a2d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Raeven on September 17, 2013, 11:37:15 PM
Here's my favorite joke of the moment.  Apologies if it has already been told -- I did not go through all the prior pages of jokes to ascertain that information.

This couple sends their kid to school, and he does pretty well, but he really struggles with math. The parents try everything to help him improve: They study with him, hire tutors, but nothing helps. Finally, at their wits' end, they decide to send him to the local Catholic school, which has a reputation for turning out great math students. Sure enough, the kid begins to improve! His progress is sudden and dramatic! One day, the parents ask him, "What was it that made the difference for you in math? All that studying, all those tutors, nothing helped. What's so special about the Catholic school's method?" The kid replies, "Well, when I saw that guy nailed to the big plus sign, I figured they weren't fucking around!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 18, 2013, 12:52:49 AM
Quote from: Raeven on September 17, 2013, 11:37:15 PM
Here's my favorite joke of the moment.  Apologies if it has already been told -- I did not go through all the prior pages of jokes to ascertain that information.

This couple sends their kid to school, and he does pretty well, but he really struggles with math. The parents try everything to help him improve: They study with him, hire tutors, but nothing helps. Finally, at their wits' end, they decide to send him to the local Catholic school, which has a reputation for turning out great math students. Sure enough, the kid begins to improve! His progress is sudden and dramatic! One day, the parents ask him, "What was it that made the difference for you in math? All that studying, all those tutors, nothing helped. What's so special about the Catholic school's method?" The kid replies, "Well, when I saw that guy nailed to the big plus sign, I figured they weren't fucking around!!"

Yeah - I like that one too ;-)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 18, 2013, 09:17:07 AM
Quote from: joeactor on September 18, 2013, 12:52:49 AM
Quote from: Raeven on September 17, 2013, 11:37:15 PM
Here's my favorite joke of the moment.  Apologies if it has already been told -- I did not go through all the prior pages of jokes to ascertain that information.

This couple sends their kid to school, and he does pretty well, but he really struggles with math. The parents try everything to help him improve: They study with him, hire tutors, but nothing helps. Finally, at their wits' end, they decide to send him to the local Catholic school, which has a reputation for turning out great math students. Sure enough, the kid begins to improve! His progress is sudden and dramatic! One day, the parents ask him, "What was it that made the difference for you in math? All that studying, all those tutors, nothing helped. What's so special about the Catholic school's method?" The kid replies, "Well, when I saw that guy nailed to the big plus sign, I figured they weren't fucking around!!"

Yeah - I like that one too ;-)

Lot's of variations on this theme, and all of them make me giggle  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 18, 2013, 10:01:29 AM
Texts from a dog!


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sadanduseless.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F04%2Fdog1.jpg&hash=4bf8ac09f4e9ad0adc55a31afda23bd08a4de434)


More here http://www.sadanduseless.com/2012/04/texts-from-my-dog/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 19, 2013, 05:23:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fscontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash3%2F1233624_10151845471691730_497385131_n.jpg&hash=c248b61dd940fc740ae267bab085824edc1b67e3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 19, 2013, 05:24:13 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fscontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash3%2Fp320x320%2F1236972_10152017451311844_731339462_n.jpg&hash=3e75d2b4b0499496a9443807b365ad82d1a664d6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 19, 2013, 05:43:22 PM
Both good!
Both start with a "P" (like Pirate?)
Both are black and white.

Need a third one, yes/no?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 19, 2013, 08:50:17 PM
Quote from: joeactor on September 19, 2013, 05:43:22 PM
Both good!
Both start with a "P" (like Pirate?)
Both are black and white.

Need a third one, yes/no?
Go on  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 19, 2013, 09:52:19 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net%2Fphoto%2FaD0WNVK_700b.jpg&hash=dde19ce786d27e85c1d31e656c3b9f8584bfab5a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on September 20, 2013, 02:26:36 AM
..
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 20, 2013, 08:50:03 AM
Not so much a joke as a truism.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fscontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-frc3%2F1069413_10151752441460266_1604449716_n.jpg&hash=58fb0e8086dc10853721e96c3853d6bfcce9558f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 20, 2013, 02:43:48 PM
The church of the confused chicken!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fscontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash3%2F733807_10151863033845115_780708341_n.jpg&hash=921a1cf7a7d4374c273ccfa47684eb80a6a79a21)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 20, 2013, 07:13:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fscontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash3%2F943348_10151603047157411_2069073952_n.jpg&hash=8653ae1e929590ee16b524ee2661777c082b4dca)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on September 20, 2013, 08:25:20 PM
Stolen from FB.....

On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters.

She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough. "That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!" On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 20, 2013, 08:37:04 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F1234728_425636024213289_896023960_n.jpg&hash=706c7bbd9c8591ad092980d736132e57f5e93e94)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 20, 2013, 08:49:02 PM
One for Claire

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1235910_214792745349356_112498987_n.jpg&hash=efe087372fab8f731ff9bdcb90f96e942d6f0ab5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 21, 2013, 01:53:28 AM
Quote from: Tank on September 20, 2013, 08:49:02 PM
One for Claire

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1235910_214792745349356_112498987_n.jpg&hash=efe087372fab8f731ff9bdcb90f96e942d6f0ab5)
The word tea-bagging screams its absence.

Quote from: Tank on September 20, 2013, 07:13:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fscontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash3%2F943348_10151603047157411_2069073952_n.jpg&hash=8653ae1e929590ee16b524ee2661777c082b4dca)

To the best of my knowledge, dogs do not percieve houses in terms of "my".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on September 21, 2013, 02:46:05 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on September 21, 2013, 01:53:28 AMTo the best of my knowledge, dogs do not percieve houses in terms of "my".

Mine does.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 21, 2013, 03:45:27 AM
The Asmo has evidently never had a dog. Probably has something to do with protecting his ratties.  Dogs, and even cats, do in fact own the home.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on September 21, 2013, 05:08:25 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on September 21, 2013, 02:46:05 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on September 21, 2013, 01:53:28 AMTo the best of my knowledge, dogs do not percieve houses in terms of "my".

Mine does.

So does mine. They have a very strong sense of 'mine' when it comes to territory and resources (like squeaky toys).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 21, 2013, 08:16:27 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on September 21, 2013, 02:46:05 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on September 21, 2013, 01:53:28 AMTo the best of my knowledge, dogs do not percieve houses in terms of "my".

Mine does.
All mine have.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 21, 2013, 11:28:02 AM
Quote from: Icarus on September 21, 2013, 03:45:27 AM
The Asmo has evidently never had a dog. Probably has something to do with protecting his ratties.  Dogs, and even cats, do in fact own the home.
I did not own a dog, but people I live(d) with did own several. And when it comes to property, whoever the dog percieved as pack leader always had the last say.

As for cats - don't like them. Don't care.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on September 21, 2013, 04:26:29 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 20, 2013, 08:49:02 PM
One for Claire

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1235910_214792745349356_112498987_n.jpg&hash=efe087372fab8f731ff9bdcb90f96e942d6f0ab5)

How does that Python song go?

The lion seems to be smiling, maybe humming the tune.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on September 21, 2013, 08:13:05 PM
Quote from: Contranym on September 21, 2013, 04:26:29 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 20, 2013, 08:49:02 PM
One for Claire

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1235910_214792745349356_112498987_n.jpg&hash=efe087372fab8f731ff9bdcb90f96e942d6f0ab5)

How does that Python song go?

The lion seems to be smiling, maybe humming the tune.

Let me take a stab at this, off the top of my head:

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love yoooooou too
I love to hear you oralize... When I'm between your thighs...
You blow me awaaaaaay!

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truuuly...
Life can be fine if we both 69!...
And we'll sit in our faces in all sorts of places and play...
TIL WE'RE BOTH BLOWN AWAAAAAAAAAY!


yikes. I'm a nerd. Now I'm gonna google that shit and see if I still have the lyrics right.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 22, 2013, 10:27:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F1209398_440176746094939_243682610_n.jpg&hash=cd556aafba076bd4afa3df74e7b5d74793f5f741)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 22, 2013, 06:47:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fscontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-frc1%2F1233315_563557543718292_650794017_n.jpg&hash=20342684a274acbd6011c8d44e33eddc139a2acc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on September 22, 2013, 11:18:15 PM
..
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 23, 2013, 12:33:31 AM
Quote from: Tank on September 22, 2013, 06:47:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fscontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-frc1%2F1233315_563557543718292_650794017_n.jpg&hash=20342684a274acbd6011c8d44e33eddc139a2acc)
Yes, that was The Gray vengeance for all the nice ratties. No more nice CRTs.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 23, 2013, 06:23:46 AM
Quote from: catmandeux on September 22, 2013, 11:18:15 PM
That's really funny!!! 

When had CRT monitors, aliencat used to love to lay on top, occasionally swatting at the mouse pointer as it moved around on the screen.  Since we have switched to all flat screen tv's and monitors, she has changed her computer and tv watching activity.  Now, when I am using my laptop, she loves to sneak in and sit on the keyboard.  Yesterday, she somehow hit a combination of keys that put the display into portrait mode.  Having never done that intentionally, it took me a while to figure out how to change it back to normal.   ???

You might want to consider something like this http://www.bitboost.com/pawsense/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 23, 2013, 10:13:57 AM
How to stay steady hands-free on the Underground.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FPoleClamp_zpsedfc52be.jpg&hash=a4037812a46809542c4674a2e3ae7b78da810bcc) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/PoleClamp_zpsedfc52be.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on September 23, 2013, 09:18:19 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/994012_695375130491378_1639782794_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 23, 2013, 09:30:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbilder.artige.no%2Fstore%2F59%2F59225.jpg&hash=d2358c004208a572ec927bde2c6b0c73e9e06194)
Sort of accurate, that, yes?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on September 23, 2013, 10:21:13 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on September 23, 2013, 09:30:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbilder.artige.no%2Fstore%2F59%2F59225.jpg&hash=d2358c004208a572ec927bde2c6b0c73e9e06194)
Sort of accurate, that, yes?

Yeah. Though it needs another signifier to be more interesting

Heavy metal: Your wearing leather and you know there's a beast.
Doom metal: Your wearing lots of leather standing in some woods and you preach about the beast.
Black metal: Your wearing leather with studs and you obey the beast
Death metal: You are a metal equivalent of an Essex girl therefore not quite the beast but close.
Power metal: You wear leather whilst fantasying about flying through strathemerion on the back of a plinthmingon as you head to fight a dragon.
Viking Metal: You wear leather pants and nothing else whilst fighting the jötnar and thursar.
Thrash metal: You wear denim and gave yourself whiplash whilst fighting the beast.
Metalcore: You like Twilight.
Glam Metal: Your still think its the 80's and you have no idea what this all about.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 24, 2013, 03:06:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F523507_10151856371526730_1447233452_n.jpg&hash=f515822b65bd2c9ca1ac32a786382f470bd0f093)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 25, 2013, 07:42:41 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F541386_10152554479935400_211489241_n.jpg&hash=27e0c3181527463db26b6e811928d081be6d1fb1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 25, 2013, 07:51:20 AM
Canadian memes  ;D

http://themetapicture.com/things-are-somehow-different-in-canada/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on September 25, 2013, 08:29:29 AM
Quote from: Tank on September 25, 2013, 07:51:20 AM
Canadian memes  ;D

http://themetapicture.com/things-are-somehow-different-in-canada/

LOL

Actually I have a diary from when I was 8 or 9, and there's an entry where I apologized to the diary for not writing more regularly.

To add:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.brocode.org%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F05%2Fwww-brocode-org_1336057755.jpg&hash=a50fe198cc57762401c9ba9674a21a94fde15593)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 25, 2013, 01:46:18 PM
Canada seems to be a really nice place. I might even consider it in my vacation plans...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 25, 2013, 06:38:13 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F1238065_10201678151852213_1415985285_n.jpg&hash=4a48777fb2190a58ca5ad967765d3d6363bfc34d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 26, 2013, 08:21:35 PM
^There is, in fact, an app for that. (https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/cat-selfie/id662483701?mt=8)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 26, 2013, 08:34:41 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on September 26, 2013, 08:21:35 PM
^There is, in fact, an app for that. (https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/cat-selfie/id662483701?mt=8)


Bloody hell!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 28, 2013, 07:20:17 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1379666_10152242775082598_842413148_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 29, 2013, 08:03:16 AM
Just watch it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HH6ha5vXwBE
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 29, 2013, 11:27:08 AM
You mean .... there's hope for an old git yet?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 29, 2013, 01:38:47 PM
Quote from: OldGit on September 29, 2013, 11:27:08 AM
You mean .... there's hope for an old git yet?
I don't think he'll last long, but I think Vanessa Felps will go first.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 29, 2013, 03:09:30 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 29, 2013, 01:38:47 PM
Quote from: OldGit on September 29, 2013, 11:27:08 AM
You mean .... there's hope for an old git yet?
I don't think he'll last long, but I think Vanessa Felps will go first.

He's got a good attitude. Good for him!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 29, 2013, 05:33:32 PM


Quote from: Newsbiscuit
Catholic Church makes early withdrawal from contraception forum.

European leaders have failed to reach agreement on a forum at contraception in the Dutch Capital, Den Haag. The event had a mixed reception from the start and was overshadowed by the Vatican representative's withdrawal just before the climax, uttering a hurried 'Sorry, I have to shoot'.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 30, 2013, 04:40:22 AM
The dude is a klutzy club footed dancer. The chick is good. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 30, 2013, 06:20:26 AM
Quote from: Icarus on September 30, 2013, 04:40:22 AM
The dude is a klutzy club footed dancer. The chick is good. 
You have to feel sorry for her getting the runt of the litter.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 30, 2013, 06:21:50 AM
Quote from: joeactor on September 29, 2013, 03:09:30 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 29, 2013, 01:38:47 PM
Quote from: OldGit on September 29, 2013, 11:27:08 AM
You mean .... there's hope for an old git yet?
I don't think he'll last long, but I think Vanessa Felps will go first.

He's got a good attitude. Good for him!
True. But he still can't dance for toffees, in fact he's doing it for thousands of pounds and the publicity  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on September 30, 2013, 06:08:37 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 30, 2013, 06:21:50 AM
Quote from: joeactor on September 29, 2013, 03:09:30 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 29, 2013, 01:38:47 PM
Quote from: OldGit on September 29, 2013, 11:27:08 AM
You mean .... there's hope for an old git yet?
I don't think he'll last long, but I think Vanessa Felps will go first.

He's got a good attitude. Good for him!
True. But he still can't dance for toffees, in fact he's doing it for thousands of pounds and the publicity  ;D

What???? He gets paid for that? Where can I sign up?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on September 30, 2013, 07:34:23 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ak0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Fbb%2F3f%2F9a%2Fbb3f9a921652540424bb930ef7902c59.jpg&hash=a37364227154ef4eb836944bc0d2bbd0a7afc83e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 30, 2013, 07:46:50 PM
http://(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FUntitled_zps18109f56.jpg&hash=de5375947adc47007ce83c9b112def5a28bc71bd) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/Untitled_zps18109f56.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 30, 2013, 07:51:31 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on September 30, 2013, 06:08:37 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 30, 2013, 06:21:50 AM
Quote from: joeactor on September 29, 2013, 03:09:30 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 29, 2013, 01:38:47 PM
Quote from: OldGit on September 29, 2013, 11:27:08 AM
You mean .... there's hope for an old git yet?
I don't think he'll last long, but I think Vanessa Felps will go first.

He's got a good attitude. Good for him!
True. But he still can't dance for toffees, in fact he's doing it for thousands of pounds and the publicity  ;D

What???? He gets paid for that? Where can I sign up?
Unfortunately you aren't even a D list celebrity, so you're buggered!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 30, 2013, 07:51:48 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on September 30, 2013, 07:34:23 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ak0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Fbb%2F3f%2F9a%2Fbb3f9a921652540424bb930ef7902c59.jpg&hash=a37364227154ef4eb836944bc0d2bbd0a7afc83e)
:D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 01, 2013, 06:29:02 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/541370_10151750677861911_1369564575_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 01, 2013, 02:36:53 PM
Boob job.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 01, 2013, 05:23:28 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1382372_606343899429429_1950558836_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on October 01, 2013, 05:37:56 PM
^ Yes, but how many times?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 02, 2013, 07:26:02 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1383833_587754684599683_1652056679_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 02, 2013, 02:59:34 PM
Quote from: Tank on October 02, 2013, 07:26:02 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1383833_587754684599683_1652056679_n.jpg)

... and don't forget the "Tender Crispy Crust":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c7k2zyLn6I
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on October 02, 2013, 08:18:48 PM
Is it wrong that I laughed at this.......(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec0.pinimg.com%2F236x%2Ff8%2F30%2F4f%2Ff8304fc94f271943cebbc02911dddf4a.jpg&hash=c4d7bac5cef7cf7330768ec25220a9e1b299dccc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 02, 2013, 08:33:04 PM
^^^ That's sick!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 02, 2013, 08:35:22 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on October 02, 2013, 08:18:48 PM
Is it wrong that I laughed at this.......

Yes... and it's more wrong that you made me laugh at it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 03, 2013, 07:33:25 AM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1377058_10151945024255485_18254062_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 03, 2013, 10:24:06 AM
I'd get bored with eternity. There may be an infinite number of things to do in the infinite universe, but there is only a finite amount that I actually want to do, and I only want to do them a finite number of times.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 04, 2013, 05:58:15 AM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1382988_186304164888342_664015010_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 04, 2013, 12:58:59 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1239213_409702649131804_2074527644_o.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 04, 2013, 03:19:55 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1379884_10152048321466844_514088624_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on October 04, 2013, 03:36:10 PM
The one on the right even looks like my dog!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on October 04, 2013, 08:17:03 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on October 04, 2013, 03:36:10 PM
The one on the right even looks like my dog!

Not quite big or clumsy enough!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 05, 2013, 06:12:00 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1378300_10151877607681730_102020183_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 05, 2013, 03:22:35 PM
They put doggie there, evil people did, didn't they?  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on October 05, 2013, 04:16:39 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 05, 2013, 03:22:35 PM
They put doggie there, evil people did, didn't they?  >:(

Wait... It's not a rattie, shouldn't you not care?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 05, 2013, 04:23:23 PM
Still better than humans. Had it been a rattie, however, The Gray Wrath would already be upon them... Or on its way, depending on the quality of their delivery services  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on October 05, 2013, 09:59:42 PM
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxo81Ok9Urk
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 06, 2013, 12:29:15 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 05, 2013, 03:22:35 PM
They put doggie there, evil people did, didn't they?  >:(

I would bet the dog had assistance in getting up there, however, I doubt it would be staying there without some level of training.  He's quite well balanced.  While he doesn't look thrilled, if he were in a panic, as a dog who suddenly found himself in such a position without practice most likely would be, he would either freeze up and fall, or try to bolt and fall.

In short, yes, but probably no big deal.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 06, 2013, 05:37:15 AM
Quote from: Crow on October 05, 2013, 09:59:42 PM
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxo81Ok9Urk
That is an absolute classic!!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 07, 2013, 11:37:34 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1374929_10151716261606840_1348531709_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 07, 2013, 01:16:21 PM
The Antarctic Desert is larger.  >:(

...The Asmo hereby gives it to ratties. The tropics too. Cats can have nasty Sahara.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 08, 2013, 12:59:23 PM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1385652_10151715686446275_1760637274_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 08, 2013, 09:27:02 PM
Am I the only one who finds Pluto's demotion reasonable..?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on October 08, 2013, 09:32:25 PM
No.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on October 08, 2013, 10:14:34 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 08, 2013, 09:27:02 PM
Am I the only one who finds Pluto's demotion reasonable..?  ???

Nope
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 09, 2013, 12:05:42 AM
No, but I don't think that detracts from the joke, either.  He's a former planet scorned, rightly or not.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 09, 2013, 07:25:59 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/995212_10152714678483475_543225496_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 09, 2013, 01:27:19 PM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1385289_10151932064705638_1210858769_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 09, 2013, 05:26:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.farleftside.com%2F2013%2F9-25-13-cheeseburger-tree.jpg&hash=ee8fc53d2a6250147e8b508c9f81e4a4a98f829f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 09, 2013, 07:54:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.stfaithsgreatcrosby.org.uk%2FIrish%2520Virus.400.jpg&hash=6b35ef106efda3f00b30b1b86b2a0e40a49326a9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on October 10, 2013, 02:19:46 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.damnyouautocorrect.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F08%2Fnotdone-tori.jpg&hash=2950e52f8e5a9126ae19859437ec9ebae1c4d125)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.damnyouautocorrect.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F05%2Fjesus-emily.jpg&hash=2fa4e0d29521dcb012c7f5a9642d8596dd05a9e6)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.damnyouautocorrect.com%2Fimages%2Fpancake-attack.jpg&hash=1ae19e3c0c848d495649e96e43f52331416386de)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 10, 2013, 06:44:52 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1383844_572178889522824_1865376053_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on October 10, 2013, 01:51:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tirmizivlog.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F05%2FDonkey-Wheeli.jpg&hash=aaf81202316226223053b3ebacf606c2c0ce806e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 11, 2013, 06:05:44 AM
If the donkey could have an expression I think it would be 'Fuck me! Not again!'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 11, 2013, 07:38:50 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1392721_654565097898202_878339777_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 11, 2013, 01:15:57 PM
Archer does Top Gun (http://www.uproxx.com/tv/2013/10/archer-fx-danger-zone-video/)

Yes.  It's real.  I didn't believe it when I clicked the link, but it's real. 

I can't stop laughing.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 12, 2013, 06:34:39 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1238363_624306404289035_1439328378_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on October 12, 2013, 07:23:10 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.funnyvooz.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F08%2FApple-Inc-humor-Android-funny-logos.jpg&hash=5a0c2ef6414b975f435f728670e01f612dbef0a8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on October 12, 2013, 07:24:50 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.xcitefun.net%2Fusers%2F2011%2F04%2F238338%2Cxcitefun-funniest-pic-in-the-world01.jpg&hash=059ed721524b308ae83038c327587bccd5e9297f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 13, 2013, 02:37:16 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.strangemilitary.com%2Fimages%2Fcontent%2F163022.jpg&hash=93d02879f75174c6aca970dac2767c4bd3982ced)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 13, 2013, 06:34:26 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1377011_656692944352848_1536156600_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 13, 2013, 06:42:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anniemayhem.com%2Fblog%2520pics%2FMilitaryMotivator2008_05_29.jpg&hash=c75f8bf64b69e1f29f69b348efd7e479dc5a0966)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 14, 2013, 09:12:22 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/429302_10150554080137352_1377885396_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 15, 2013, 02:07:50 PM
I know, but I laughed.  Considering the number of people I deal with daily who apparently have no idea that widdle fwuffykins is actually a fine-tuned killing machine. 

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fassets.dogtime.com%2Fasset%2Fimage%2F515b285f874c091bc8000ba6%2Fcolumn_05-funny-dog-meme.jpg&hash=05c82d46712bd63d0997d646db13354c82c658be)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 15, 2013, 06:41:27 PM
The internet is full of them today!

(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1395967_238048769686963_365789569_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on October 15, 2013, 09:30:15 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1395356_317046715104900_6950666_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 16, 2013, 12:04:24 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.crainium.net%2FjdjArchives%2FMilitaryHumor.jpg&hash=8dab3c40bd964d8a94f9c9e906daf52f15ac75ff)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 16, 2013, 07:04:49 AM
^^^  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 16, 2013, 07:27:00 AM
Saw this. Thought of Velma  ;D

(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1378194_10151787927563197_1916634773_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on October 16, 2013, 12:43:27 PM
I just consulted our cats on this, and they assert that their meows are not random.

OK, maybe I am one of the crazy cat people. 8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 16, 2013, 03:35:53 PM
REPENT!  REPENT!

(https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1391703_645464415476637_25883052_n.png)

Although to be fair, it's difficult to place too much blame with the invisibility and all...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on October 16, 2013, 03:38:25 PM
Nah, they're only invisible on the outside. Frickin' skittles when you get to the interior.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on October 16, 2013, 05:12:38 PM
Quote from: Tank on October 16, 2013, 07:27:00 AM
Saw this. Thought of Velma  ;D

(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1378194_10151787927563197_1916634773_n.jpg)

that makes it official. I am a crazy cat/iguana person.
Sometimes a crazy fish person too
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 16, 2013, 06:47:02 PM
^^^  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 17, 2013, 03:53:53 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F31.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_lrbpfk4WcT1qlud7bo1_500.jpg&hash=c062f2dd210235da70a617a2c62846724221a71b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 18, 2013, 03:31:43 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1383950_10151777983278462_1725169287_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 18, 2013, 04:07:36 PM
^You mean it's not really spelled that way?!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 19, 2013, 06:42:58 PM
Face-palmingly good:

(https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/625474_553466444698211_1736374772_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 20, 2013, 01:45:09 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thedistractionnetwork.com%2Fimages%2Ffunny-atheist-pics-062-850x870.jpg&hash=fffa8344c0b6f32b36a1f14eb8d48377801197a1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 20, 2013, 08:12:15 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2Fe4d6%2F7782j4gn69on2jt4g.jpg&hash=37a700281bea8cd331bab7a66930cd424276d5c5) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/7782j4gn69on2jt/when-you-see-it.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 20, 2013, 08:29:57 PM
See what? I don't think I see "It", and I have pretty much gone over the image pixel by pixel
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on October 20, 2013, 08:39:58 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 20, 2013, 08:29:57 PM
See what? I don't think I see "It", and I have pretty much gone over the image pixel by pixel

I don't see "it" either.Maybe the "joke" has something to do with marijuana plants?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on October 21, 2013, 12:13:31 AM
Quote from: Tom62 on October 20, 2013, 08:39:58 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 20, 2013, 08:29:57 PM
See what? I don't think I see "It", and I have pretty much gone over the image pixel by pixel

I don't see "it" either.Maybe the "joke" has something to do with marijuana plants?

Or that it's a police van maybe? I guess I don't see "it" either.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on October 21, 2013, 12:46:20 AM
..
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on October 21, 2013, 01:04:04 AM
..
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 21, 2013, 06:23:16 AM
Not so much a joke but it made me smile.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1383258_694324240585363_126612320_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 21, 2013, 06:26:50 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1375763_580630422011004_580131284_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 21, 2013, 06:35:01 AM
Quote from: catmandeux on October 21, 2013, 12:46:20 AM
That might make the occupants of the apartment from which the picture was taken feel like defecating masonry.
Over a couple of plants..? But that looks like Europe, that does. Give up your plants, pay the fine and no need for giving birth to building materials.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 22, 2013, 12:56:43 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F98fc%2Fskw92rcahygqd3v4g.jpg&hash=3d4f97519406046cbaa29628bbe65d05086c8b56) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/skw92rcahygqd3v/north-korea.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 22, 2013, 06:39:09 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1378149_600893806635215_1258363650_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 22, 2013, 01:32:27 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on October 22, 2013, 12:56:43 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F98fc%2Fskw92rcahygqd3v4g.jpg&hash=3d4f97519406046cbaa29628bbe65d05086c8b56) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/skw92rcahygqd3v/north-korea.jpg)
Isn't that supposed to be one of those radar planes? What do those have to do with "space race"?

Me, I think North Korea is in space race mainly with something like this:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fres.vtc.vn%2Fmedia%2Fvtcnews%2F2012%2F04%2F08%2Fkorea-unha-3-lg.jpg&hash=503bfe1caccfea012196079c1f107b73d07028b7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 22, 2013, 03:50:33 PM
Technically a command and control aircraft, which is used in various nations space programs.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 25, 2013, 04:04:00 PM
A fifteen-year old boy walked into a pharmacy. "How much is it for one condom?", he asked the pharmacist. "Sorry, son, but they only come in packs of three and they're $3.50," said the pharmacist. "Darn," said the disappointed boy, "I don't have enough money. And today I was planning on getting lucky with my new girlfriend." "Well," said the pharmacist, "in that case you can take a box for free." "Gee, thanks!!!" yelled the boy as he dashed out the door holding the box of condoms.

That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed. "I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, impressed.

"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 25, 2013, 07:15:52 PM
Hm... Never had that "girlfriend's father" issue... Had a "'girlfriend's' son" wakeup call once, but... I guess I don't cliché very well.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on October 27, 2013, 01:00:52 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on October 25, 2013, 04:04:00 PM
A fifteen-year old boy walked into a pharmacy. "How much is it for one condom?", he asked the pharmacist. "Sorry, son, but they only come in packs of three and they're $3.50," said the pharmacist. "Darn," said the disappointed boy, "I don't have enough money. And today I was planning on getting lucky with my new girlfriend." "Well," said the pharmacist, "in that case you can take a box for free." "Gee, thanks!!!" yelled the boy as he dashed out the door holding the box of condoms.

That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed. "I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, impressed.

"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply.

I wonder what came first the joke or the Levis advert (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uj6G1C6c0uw).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 27, 2013, 06:05:15 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F0fa9%2Fgca9yec9b8dlilt4g.jpg&hash=756fb5c959f6c9476c437c7a292aa2e30a707ae6) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/gca9yec9b8dlilt/bad_name.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on October 27, 2013, 09:48:56 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FriuJ2Jy.png&hash=23dfaa645ea6714661876a6be070dd43328b46dd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 27, 2013, 09:50:56 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on October 27, 2013, 06:05:15 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F0fa9%2Fgca9yec9b8dlilt4g.jpg&hash=756fb5c959f6c9476c437c7a292aa2e30a707ae6) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/gca9yec9b8dlilt/bad_name.jpg)

I would argue that these are, in fact, among the best website names, but then I've done a speck of marketing in my younger days.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 27, 2013, 10:04:40 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on October 27, 2013, 09:48:56 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FriuJ2Jy.png&hash=23dfaa645ea6714661876a6be070dd43328b46dd)
Hey!  >:(





;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 27, 2013, 10:08:36 PM
Yes!  >:( Let's sacrifice the insolent Swede to His Grayness!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 29, 2013, 06:03:19 PM
Bringing "silly pet tricks" to a whole new level of classy... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Cn04iqT15o&feature=share)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 30, 2013, 07:49:30 AM
 :D

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/526543_748351711856925_2045397756_n.jpg)

The Christian Science Society of Dixon, Illinois, could not have gotten more literal if they tried —
which they supposedly didn't when they constructed a church that looks from a certain angle like a
giant phallus, complete with balls and bushy pubes.

http://gawker.com/christian-science-church-looks-like-a-giant-dick-from-s-1454084292
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on October 30, 2013, 10:44:17 AM
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-07-18/forensic-expert-claims-new-evidence-may-clear-peru-six/4829228
Quote"I am convinced my brother was murdered," Wimber Rodriguez Vilchez said.

"The only thing I want is for the population of Australia to know the truth. My brother was murdered. That is clear."
Wimber Rodriguez Vilchez says his dead brother visited him in a dream. (ABC 7.30)

Wimber Rodriguez Vilchez became convinced of the Australians' involvement after a dream in which his brother visited him.

"I went running to him, to embrace him, 'Lino my brother', and he said, 'Let me go, let me go, don't hold me, they killed me. I didn't want to die'."

He says his brother's ghost also visited their sister.

"Lino said he had been arguing with somebody. His hands were (moving out) and there was a tall man and a short man and a girl.

"After she said, 'my little brother, tell me, tell where did this happen?', and my brother said, 'nine plus six add it up, nine plus six'.

"And so we said, 'hey, it's in the 15th, in the 15th floor, they have killed Lino, let's go to the police and see how the investigation is going'."

Well I found it funny.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 30, 2013, 11:45:17 PM
Quote from: Tank on October 30, 2013, 07:49:30 AM
:D

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/526543_748351711856925_2045397756_n.jpg)
Erected, was it..?  ???

How much Viagra did that take, one might ask?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on October 31, 2013, 11:38:17 PM
Q: Why do Wasps avoid group sex?

A:  Writing thank you notes is endless.



Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 01, 2013, 07:36:11 AM
Quote from: technolud on October 31, 2013, 11:38:17 PM
Q: Why do Wasps avoid group sex?

A:  Writing thank you notes is endless.
Wasps? As in insects or White Anglo Saxon Protestants? Even then I don't get it  :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 01, 2013, 07:38:51 AM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7880393984/h57E15E96/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 01, 2013, 11:55:58 AM
A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must have been the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply, asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sandra Craft on November 02, 2013, 08:52:32 PM
Not exactly a joke, but so funny I hurt myself internally while reading them: epic auto-correct fails (http://funkypickens.com/25-funny-auto-correct-fails/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 02, 2013, 09:19:55 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEBr689N.jpg&hash=ad46676932914342cf74fff9dd890667bea8edfe)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 02, 2013, 10:15:18 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 02, 2013, 09:19:55 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEBr689N.jpg&hash=ad46676932914342cf74fff9dd890667bea8edfe)

Love it, I have to confess before I joined HAF, this was probably my knowledge of the USA.... I am considerably better now :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on November 03, 2013, 12:10:25 AM
..
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on November 03, 2013, 01:24:51 AM
..
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 03, 2013, 07:44:42 AM
The whole thing reminds me of an Aussie I met who was touring the US for a few months...  Guy couldn't wait to get to New Jersey. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 04, 2013, 12:17:33 AM
Geography is hard for some people.  I love the Aussie take.

In fairness I only know the location of Queensland, It is the upper eastern province. Is province what the Aussies call their territories or is that just for Canadians?  Queensland?  Do they have a lot of cross dressers there?  ;D

And one more thing.....................OG you are a depraved old dude for some of that humor that you post. Ha! I like it. Does that make me a depraved old dude too?   ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 04, 2013, 08:47:22 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1395781_10152120551891844_1330467094_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 04, 2013, 10:02:28 AM
Quote from: IcarusAnd one more thing.....................OG you are a depraved old dude for some of that humor that you post. Ha! I like it. Does that make me a depraved old dude too?

;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 04, 2013, 02:01:53 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 03, 2013, 07:44:42 AMGuy couldn't wait to get to New Jersey. 

Really??? I'm assuming he'd never seen pictures of the Garden State.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 04, 2013, 02:09:54 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on November 04, 2013, 02:01:53 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 03, 2013, 07:44:42 AMGuy couldn't wait to get to New Jersey. 

Really??? I'm assuming he'd never seen pictures of the Garden State.

Yup.  Even after I gently informed him NJ is generally referred to as "America's armpit."  He was certain it was some kind of cultural wonderland since some rock icons like Bruce Springsteen grew up there.

I'm not going to claim I could do any better with a map of Australia, but if I were going to visit, I would put a little research behind my planning. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 04, 2013, 02:18:40 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 04, 2013, 02:09:54 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on November 04, 2013, 02:01:53 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 03, 2013, 07:44:42 AMGuy couldn't wait to get to New Jersey. 

Really??? I'm assuming he'd never seen pictures of the Garden State.

Yup.  Even after I gently informed him NJ is generally referred to as "America's armpit."  He was certain it was some kind of cultural wonderland since some rock icons like Bruce Springsteen grew up there.

I'm not going to claim I could do any better with a map of Australia, but if I were going to visit, I would put a little research behind my planning. 

I've never seen NJ from closer than the Amtrak but my brother managed a farm there some years ago and 'armpit' is putting it very nicely based on his description. Looking at the pictures of crumbling schools that have been making the news recently I don't think his description was enough either!

This remands me of a documentary on immigrants from the middle east a few years ago where everyone coming here wanted to go to Detroit.... they thought it was the promised land. Weird.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 04, 2013, 03:48:28 PM
To be completely fair, there are still a huge number of people in the US who legitimately believe Florida is a nice place to retire, so...

Anyway:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.themetapicture.com%2Fmedia%2Ffunny-toilet-comic-sensors.jpg&hash=42598f383db3a4135bdcd1419a4cb2b9978e5b52)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sandra Craft on November 05, 2013, 04:46:06 AM
19 Indications you love animals more than people (http://www.buzzfeed.com/juliapugachevsky/indications-you-love-animals-more-than-people)


1. Your most memorable party moments all involve sitting in a corner and petting the host's cat. Yes

2. You refuse to date someone if your dog ever growled at them or snubbed them in any way.

3. You can watch intense war dramas without shedding a tear, but if the commercial break involves Sarah McLachlan, you are done for.  Yes, but I'm ashamed of it

4. As a child, you much preferred stuffed animals to human dolls.  Yes

5. You consider the ability to have pets in the office a legitimate job perk.

6. When you have to choose between going out with your friends or lying in bed with your pet, the choice is obvious.

7. You side-eye toddlers who won't stop bothering an animal (and, more importantly, their parents who think it's cute).  Yes

8. The day in seventh grade where you had to dissect frogs was one of the worst days of your life.

9. Your favorite Disney movies were the ones that starred animals, not princesses. Yes to infinity and beyond

10. Zoos make you absolutely miserable and you daydream about jumping in and freeing the animals.  Yes, not that I'd know what to do with them afterwards

11. Growing up, you always felt irrationally envious of cartoon characters with anthropomorphic animal best friends.

12. Instead of exchanging water cooler stories, you spend your downtime at work finding ways to get animals to make an appearance.

13. Your versions of reality TV shows are live cams of grizzly bears and corgi puppies.

14. And, every year, you completely alienate yourself from everyone you know by watching the Puppy Bowl instead of the Super Bowl.

15. You've turned down prospective roommates solely because they weren't into getting a pet in the near future.  N/A, but love the graphic on this one

16. While your friends talk about hypothetical future children, you're thinking about hypothetical future dogs.

17. You tend to interrupt deep conversations because you just passed by a really cute dog on the street.  Yes

18. You hate to admit it, but you identify with the characters in Best in Show.  Well, some of them

19. You've never understood why "cat lady" is a bad thing; to you, having a lifelong pet soul-mate always sounded better than marriage because animals are perfect.  Yes and no, I don't see why cat lady is bad but let's not go crazy with the perfection thing
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 05, 2013, 11:36:55 PM
PC and you other naysayers, just you come to Florida and I will personally show you that it is indeed a very pleasing place to live or retire.  Just don't retire in the burbs of Miami or Orlando, or one of our other evil cities and you will have found your Nirvana.

For PC, we also have a bunch of very active areas for Flyball, Agility, Obedience, Tracking, SAR, Conformation, and other doggie stuff. Not only that we have canine fun year round cause we have very few snowstorms, almost never any sleet or glare ice. We actually have indoor plumbing, Telephones, news papers, civic centers, Broadway shows, Ballet, Symphony orchestras, and lots of other civilized stuff.

New Jerseys armpit is confined to the likes of Newark, Union City, Jersey City, and a few other seats of criminal happiness.  Get out of those places and find NJ deserving of its nickname; The Garden State.  And all the NJ citizens do not talk like the people on the TV series; Jersey Shore.  Princeton and Rutgers are in NJ. That ought to provide some assurance that they ain't all dumb asses.

Every state has its scuzzy places, even Nebraska. Almost every one of them have redeeming features that more than compensate for the ugly bits. There is actually a small town in Mississippi whose name is; Learned. It is not true that all the Mississipi, Alabama, or West Virginia people are hopelessly illiterate hill billies.

End of rant that defends our state and national pride.

P.S. I cannot, in good conscience, defend our political malfeasances but I hasten to defend our geography and social structures.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 06, 2013, 07:22:31 AM
Look! I found a little Asmo-in-the-making!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.weallbleedthesamecolor.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F10%2F106.jpg&hash=556b5fee3750be5c6e24ac8769deaeb9943732f1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 06, 2013, 07:39:15 AM
Quote from: Amicale on November 06, 2013, 07:22:31 AM
Look! I found a little Asmo-in-the-making!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.weallbleedthesamecolor.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F10%2F106.jpg&hash=556b5fee3750be5c6e24ac8769deaeb9943732f1)
:D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 06, 2013, 07:54:15 AM
And another one.  ;D I love Tina Fey.

Here, she's talking about her young daughter:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.weallbleedthesamecolor.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F10%2F119.jpg&hash=a1ccc8cb376ea158a02c14d997c4be714e161b31)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 06, 2013, 12:32:09 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 06, 2013, 07:22:31 AM
Look! I found a little Asmo-in-the-making!
And look what He got for His trouble! Nasty eggs..! Probably not even fertilized, so technically NOT the unborn.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 06, 2013, 01:05:29 PM
Quote from: Icarus on November 05, 2013, 11:36:55 PM
PC and you other naysayers, just you come to Florida and I will personally show you that it is indeed a very pleasing place to live or retire.  Just don't retire in the burbs of Miami or Orlando, or one of our other evil cities and you will have found your Nirvana.

For PC, we also have a bunch of very active areas for Flyball, Agility, Obedience, Tracking, SAR, Conformation, and other doggie stuff. Not only that we have canine fun year round cause we have very few snowstorms, almost never any sleet or glare ice. We actually have indoor plumbing, Telephones, news papers, civic centers, Broadway shows, Ballet, Symphony orchestras, and lots of other civilized stuff.

New Jerseys armpit is confined to the likes of Newark, Union City, Jersey City, and a few other seats of criminal happiness.  Get out of those places and find NJ deserving of its nickname; The Garden State.  And all the NJ citizens do not talk like the people on the TV series; Jersey Shore.  Princeton and Rutgers are in NJ. That ought to provide some assurance that they ain't all dumb asses.

Every state has its scuzzy places, even Nebraska. Almost every one of them have redeeming features that more than compensate for the ugly bits. There is actually a small town in Mississippi whose name is; Learned. It is not true that all the Mississipi, Alabama, or West Virginia people are hopelessly illiterate hill billies.

End of rant that defends our state and national pride.

P.S. I cannot, in good conscience, defend our political malfeasances but I hasten to defend our geography and social structures.


I've been to and through Florida many times.  Absolutely can not stand the place.  It may not snow - not that I consider a perk anyway - but the heat and humidity (and bugs the size of your foot) are so intolerable everyone who can afford to leaves all summer for places like New England.  There's stuff to do - if you don't keel over from heatstroke in the process. 

There are some scary issues that have arisen from the push to retire in Florida.  This article touches on some (http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/08/02/an-age-segregated-dream/?_r=0).

Plus that whole "they don't really talk like that!" thing always turns out to be city folks with wounded pride.  Drive an hour out of the twin cities and everyone sounds like they're in the movie Fargo, no matter what MSP residents say.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 06, 2013, 07:46:44 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/580751_204686249714168_581442260_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 07, 2013, 12:22:20 AM
Dammit PC you are a hard case. That's one of the reasons I like you. I respect sassy women.

That said; The two hottest most inhumanely debilitating places I have even been are: Laconia New Hampshire and Fargo North Dakota. In both those places people were falling out from heatstroke. In contrast, we rarely have heatstroke patients here in bugland.  Besides....You exaggerated, almost none of our bugs measure more than six inches long and only half of them are venomous.

And as for the Fargo speak, those people are almost always found in the panhandle areas nearest Alabama. Don't pick on our disadvantaged speakers. (kettle to the pot) Your denizens of Back Bay, Hyannisport, Marthas Vineyard, and elsewhere talk funny too. They are known to "paak the caaah" and other quaint pronunciations. My sister in law lives in Fitchburg and she buys seltzer rather than Coca Cola, frappes instead of milk shakes, grinders instead of subs, and all that sort of thing.

Just funnin' ya.   ;D 

P.S. I lived in Connecticut for several years. My deceased wife was a Connecticut Yankee and I loved her far more than dearly.  Even though she talked funny she was the queen of the universe in my mind and heart.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 07, 2013, 01:48:48 AM
I have small feet.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 07, 2013, 10:07:14 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.viralnova.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F11%2Fdisaster2.jpg&hash=413d222ec9b131147ab34a8feec02d7d674bf8b0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 07, 2013, 10:10:27 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.viralnova.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F11%2Fdisaster19.jpg&hash=6fd7ef44e8421c296a7cb63d0754d2fe9677d9c9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 07, 2013, 10:10:58 AM
There are another 21 here http://www.viralnova.com/23-disaster-pictures/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 08, 2013, 05:44:52 AM
This ISN'T a joke!
It's a real training aid!

(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/935979_688406901177374_2050722326_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 08, 2013, 10:58:57 AM
Ouch!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 08, 2013, 01:17:18 PM
Chinese Movie Theater Uses "Thor" Fan Poster By Mistake (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/thor-loki-poster-china_n_4228126.html)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FyKpfPJ8.jpg&hash=d9652ac9a73c7d2086943c58ea6f6f11077cb5a8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on November 08, 2013, 03:04:58 PM
I love it. They should keep it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 08, 2013, 03:19:11 PM
They should at least give the posters they won't use to the fan who did the artwork.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 09, 2013, 05:42:32 PM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1452078_536569953095815_1717805367_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 09, 2013, 08:37:59 PM
^ That cannot be serious.  No way!  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 09, 2013, 09:10:25 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 09, 2013, 08:37:59 PM
^ That cannot be serious.  No way!  ::)

I believe it. (http://www.mediaite.com/online/televangelist-joel-osteen-deletes-hilariously-unintentional-masturbation-tweet/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: WechtleinUns on November 10, 2013, 12:00:08 AM
Normally, I'd be right on board with making fun of Joel Osteen, but I can't get on this train. There's nothing really, to my ears, at least, sexually suggestive about the tweet. I think it's more like the rest of the internet community has their collective brains in the gutter. Then again, with a face like that, who wouldn't think of sexual activities! Rwawr! :D

* * *

A man calls up the unemployment office in a recession and asks for a job. The person on the line asks his major.

"Art."

"So what? You and 10,000 others." Click.

The next day, another man calls up the unemployement office and asks for a job. The person on the line asks for his major.

"English."

"So what? You and a hundred others." Click.

The third day, someone else calls up the unemployment office and asks for a job. The person on the line asks for his major.

"I majored in atmospheric engineering, mathematics, and network systems design."

"So what? You and 3 others." Click. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 10, 2013, 10:34:53 PM
O'steen, in his innocence, did not know that he was setting himelf up for snickers from sharp witted people like us.  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 11, 2013, 08:37:30 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1464771_10152042554500701_1190661222_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 11, 2013, 12:22:45 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 11, 2013, 08:37:30 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1464771_10152042554500701_1190661222_n.jpg)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dumpaday.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F09%2Fhipster-funny-pictures1.jpg&hash=1f1d3d516008cd2b9f2c41e61bb00ae50c3fcaaf)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 11, 2013, 08:59:10 PM
A guy goes to  the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at  him.
 
She says,  'Hello.'

He's rather  taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So  he asks,  'Do you know me?'
   
To which she  replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my  kids.'
   
Now his mind  travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his  wife.
   
So he asks,  'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool  table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
 
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's  teacher.'

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: WechtleinUns on November 11, 2013, 09:55:18 PM
I love that one so much, OldGit. It makes me chuckle every time.

A computer programmer is sitting on a train with his supervisor. Across from them are a lovely young lady and her grandmother. All of a sudden, the train goes through a tunnel, and the passengers are shrouded in darkness. Everyone hears a loud kiss, and then a slap.

When the train comes back out into the light, the grandmother thinks to herself: "The nerve of that young man to kiss my grandaughter. I'm glad she slapped him."

The supervisor thinks to himself: "I didn't think the boy had it in him. But I wish the girl hadn't missed."

The young lady thinks to herself: "I'm glad he kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him."

And the computer programmers thinks to himself: "It's a lucky day! Not only do I get to kiss a beautiful young woman, but I get to slap my supervisor, too!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 12, 2013, 07:00:25 AM
2 good giggles there.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 13, 2013, 01:23:02 AM
Young woman took golfing lessons from the club pro.
On her first golf outing she was stung by a bee.
It was so painful that she went back to the clubhouse, hopeful of some relief of pain.
The club pro saw her and asked why she was back so early.
She said she had been stung by a bee
The pro said where?
She said between the first and second hole.
The pro said you had your legs too far apart.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 13, 2013, 07:14:49 AM
When printing goes wrong.


(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1450744_595823347120107_214197624_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 13, 2013, 07:47:39 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 13, 2013, 07:14:49 AM
When printing goes wrong.
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1450744_595823347120107_214197624_n.jpg)

Hah!

Not much kerning humor out there...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 13, 2013, 07:48:53 PM
Quote from: joeactor on November 13, 2013, 07:47:39 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 13, 2013, 07:14:49 AM
When printing goes wrong.
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1450744_595823347120107_214197624_n.jpg)

Hah!

Not much kerning humor out there...
It's not an arena known for its humour!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 13, 2013, 10:07:59 PM
^ :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 14, 2013, 05:14:24 AM
Eh? Is it that LI can be interpreted as a U if you try..?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 14, 2013, 08:00:56 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1466136_549624278447114_862522582_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 14, 2013, 01:16:23 PM
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 14, 2013, 08:15:07 PM
(https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1395848_10152074674458453_340266842_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on November 14, 2013, 11:13:05 PM
Somebody showed me this at work today (NSFW btw). Hilarious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub3Cm0V_Z8w
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 15, 2013, 02:14:54 AM
Kody; That was really baaaad. I loved it. ...."Turn it around"

You must work with some loose characters to have found that one. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 16, 2013, 06:30:11 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1392637_556603464409625_937004384_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 16, 2013, 06:35:02 AM
Quote from: Kody on November 14, 2013, 11:13:05 PM
Somebody showed me this at work today (NSFW btw). Hilarious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub3Cm0V_Z8w
There was a blind man in a wood yard... 

"That's an old shit house door from a fish factory!"  ;D

I'm sure you can work out the rest  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 17, 2013, 04:44:03 AM
Always a challenge eh Tank ? Lemme see....shithouse door, blind man, woodyard, etc.  ...................Hmmmm.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 17, 2013, 02:32:29 PM
Quote from: Icarus on November 17, 2013, 04:44:03 AM
Always a challenge eh Tank ? Lemme see....shithouse door, blind man, woodyard, etc.  ...................Hmmmm.
Blind people are supposed to have a good sense of smell.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 18, 2013, 09:22:52 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1465222_10152060896553615_1536458476_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 18, 2013, 05:27:36 PM
An American explains cricket..... (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83oa1S0x9zI&feature=youtube_gdata_player) ;D (courtesy of Claire)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 19, 2013, 01:23:04 AM
I always wonderd about Cricket, sticky wickets, and all that sort of thing.  I'm still wondering. Cricket is similar to Croquette in that the rules are seldom understood by commoners, and never ever by Americans. Apparently the Cricket rules are quite satisfactorily understood and practiced by the aristocracy of India. 

P.S How does one properly spell the word that sounds like; krow- kay
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 19, 2013, 09:28:46 AM
Croquet.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on November 19, 2013, 05:12:06 PM
I prefer the Dutch croquette  ;).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 20, 2013, 10:38:48 AM
(https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/q71/1460278_649587235105726_201718945_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 20, 2013, 10:41:19 AM
Australian Telephone Operator:     "G'day mate, Helpline here. What's the problem?"

Caller:         "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's  been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Operator:       "Bummer!"

Caller:         "Great advice! Thanks mate, 'bye.
 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 20, 2013, 10:42:41 AM
Quote from: Amicale on November 20, 2013, 10:38:48 AM
(https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/q71/1460278_649587235105726_201718945_n.jpg)

YES! The world needs to get its head out of its ass and realize that The Fox is a terribad song.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 20, 2013, 12:36:50 PM
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 20, 2013, 02:08:07 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on November 20, 2013, 10:42:41 AM

YES! The world needs to get its head out of its ass and realize that The Fox is a terribad song.

Pretty sure the world is fully aware it's not a good song.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on November 20, 2013, 02:48:43 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 20, 2013, 02:08:07 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on November 20, 2013, 10:42:41 AM

YES! The world needs to get its head out of its ass and realize that The Fox is a terribad song.

Pretty sure the world is fully aware it's not a good song.

I like it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 20, 2013, 02:52:17 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on November 20, 2013, 02:48:43 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 20, 2013, 02:08:07 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on November 20, 2013, 10:42:41 AM

YES! The world needs to get its head out of its ass and realize that The Fox is a terribad song.

Pretty sure the world is fully aware it's not a good song.

I like it.

I do too, especially considering my Fox dog, but I don't think it's good music.  Bizarre for the sake of being bizarre + simple, generic dance music usually = super popular fad. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 20, 2013, 03:09:19 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 20, 2013, 02:52:17 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on November 20, 2013, 02:48:43 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 20, 2013, 02:08:07 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on November 20, 2013, 10:42:41 AM

YES! The world needs to get its head out of its ass and realize that The Fox is a terribad song.

Pretty sure the world is fully aware it's not a good song.

I like it.

I do too, especially considering my Fox dog, but I don't think it's good music.  Bizarre for the sake of being bizarre + simple, generic dance music usually = super popular fad. 

Didn't post the picture to spark a debate.  :D Posted it because it looks like a song Grumpy Cat would not enjoy, and I'm a fan of Grumpy Cat. As for the song, it's one of those earworms that doesn't leave your head... until you listen to one of their other songs, like The Cabin or Stonehenge, which are equally ear-worms and equally bizarre.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 20, 2013, 04:00:44 PM
See? You see?! They like it!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 22, 2013, 07:24:05 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/3768_523256191104134_1644322354_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 22, 2013, 07:37:43 AM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1476422_321178618021556_1374772788_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on November 23, 2013, 12:21:38 AM

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FGPljBlw.png%3F1&hash=ba046e69112c8ba68328a5513eb1f38a128a75fb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 25, 2013, 05:05:49 PM
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.  A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:   When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 25, 2013, 05:28:12 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1463362_570775156326716_335734053_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 25, 2013, 05:38:22 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 25, 2013, 05:28:12 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1463362_570775156326716_335734053_n.jpg)
Ha! Never seen that!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 25, 2013, 08:56:55 PM
I still don't...  :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on November 26, 2013, 02:14:02 AM
Quote from: Tank on November 25, 2013, 05:38:22 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 25, 2013, 05:28:12 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1463362_570775156326716_335734053_n.jpg)
Ha! Never seen that!

The dog head's snout looks more lionish to me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 26, 2013, 02:17:26 AM
Clearly it's a Giant Schnauzer.

(https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR8b5bmaBDiGfpt4m-L5Ft7JqYwcSRpNc75WtRPA30QRDNTr0DmhQ)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 26, 2013, 09:15:16 AM
Nope. No beard or forwardd-facing eyebrow-thing or pointy ears.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on November 26, 2013, 12:43:02 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthebewildered20somethingwriter.files.wordpress.com%2F2013%2F09%2Ftintin_snowy.jpg%3Fw%3D599&hash=dc414472ebe612bf2e0dd7bb11e606421bb1ef66)

It's Snowy!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on November 26, 2013, 04:39:40 PM
Snowy??? The Tintin's dog  is called Milou.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 26, 2013, 08:11:52 PM
All the names get changed in the translation.  Asterix's dog Idéefix is called Dogmatix in the English version.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on November 26, 2013, 11:19:00 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 26, 2013, 08:11:52 PM
All the names get changed in the translation.  Asterix's dog Idéefix is called Dogmatix in the English version.

I was just kidding. Some of these translations are pretty weird though for Milou. We call him Bobbie, in the UK he is called "Snowy", in South Africa "Spokie" (Afrikaans) and here in Germany his name is "Stroupi". Idéfix name however is pretty much the same in most countries (English speaking countries excluded).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 27, 2013, 07:50:52 PM
Saw this...

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1393711_361846527285133_1921812019_n.jpg)

... thought of Claire and jj  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 27, 2013, 07:56:06 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 27, 2013, 07:50:52 PM
Saw this...

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1393711_361846527285133_1921812019_n.jpg)

... thought of Claire and jj  :D

Hmmmmmm, I actually don't think in the past year I've ever been grumpy towards JJ, in fact he cheers me up and calms me down when I'm grumpy at other people!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 27, 2013, 08:03:40 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on November 27, 2013, 07:56:06 PMHmmmmmm, I actually don't think in the past year I've ever been grumpy towards JJ

Oh, yes you have! I deseved it though....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 28, 2013, 03:02:12 AM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/1474813_10202299300831195_1989388558_n.jpg?oh=f181856d1d71c5f19b6209a1b39833ef&oe=5298D0D8)

It's true.  In fact, her ideal day would be a long with me, in which she finds and rolls in all sorts of deer, rabbit, and lizard poop (she REALLY loves lizard poop!), then kills a squirrel to bring home and chew on while she hides in her crate. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 28, 2013, 10:49:59 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 28, 2013, 03:02:12 AM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/1474813_10202299300831195_1989388558_n.jpg?oh=f181856d1d71c5f19b6209a1b39833ef&oe=5298D0D8)

It's true.  In fact, her ideal day would be a long with me, in which she finds and rolls in all sorts of deer, rabbit, and lizard poop (she REALLY loves lizard poop!), then kills a squirrel to bring home and chew on while she hides in her crate. 

:o and people wonder why I'm a cat person.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 28, 2013, 01:29:06 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FOynVvxk.jpg&hash=6beb95a38df1a7dc986bc932349edcb79283331c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 28, 2013, 05:01:41 PM
Fuck the dinner - I like working on holidays.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 28, 2013, 07:18:48 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on November 28, 2013, 05:01:41 PM
Fuck the dinner - I like working on holidays.

Have you ever worked at a grocery store, pharmacy, retail outlet or other department store the night before or (bonus!) OF a holiday, stuck behind a cash register ringing through endless lines of last-minute shoppers, some of who are yelling because there are only 3 people working cash and the line's 25 people long?

Try that. Try it for 4 years - then tell me if you'd still prefer it to a holiday dinner.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 29, 2013, 02:07:48 AM
Quote from: Amicale on November 28, 2013, 10:49:59 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 28, 2013, 03:02:12 AM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/1474813_10202299300831195_1989388558_n.jpg?oh=f181856d1d71c5f19b6209a1b39833ef&oe=5298D0D8)

It's true.  In fact, her ideal day would be a long with me, in which she finds and rolls in all sorts of deer, rabbit, and lizard poop (she REALLY loves lizard poop!), then kills a squirrel to bring home and chew on while she hides in her crate. 

:o and people wonder why I'm a cat person.  ;D

...As if cats never leave half-eaten mice in the doorway, release live snakes in the screen porch, and puke hairballs in your slippers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on November 29, 2013, 02:10:38 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 29, 2013, 02:07:48 AM
Quote from: Amicale on November 28, 2013, 10:49:59 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 28, 2013, 03:02:12 AM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/1474813_10202299300831195_1989388558_n.jpg?oh=f181856d1d71c5f19b6209a1b39833ef&oe=5298D0D8)

It's true.  In fact, her ideal day would be a long with me, in which she finds and rolls in all sorts of deer, rabbit, and lizard poop (she REALLY loves lizard poop!), then kills a squirrel to bring home and chew on while she hides in her crate. 

:o and people wonder why I'm a cat person.  ;D

...As if cats never leave half-eaten mice in the doorway, release live snakes in the screen porch, and puke hairballs in your slippers.

But, we've had a lot of cats over the years, and I never saw a single one of them eating any kind of poop.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on November 29, 2013, 04:01:46 AM
Quote from: catmandeux on November 29, 2013, 02:10:38 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 29, 2013, 02:07:48 AM
Quote from: Amicale on November 28, 2013, 10:49:59 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on November 28, 2013, 03:02:12 AM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/1474813_10202299300831195_1989388558_n.jpg?oh=f181856d1d71c5f19b6209a1b39833ef&oe=5298D0D8)

It's true.  In fact, her ideal day would be a long with me, in which she finds and rolls in all sorts of deer, rabbit, and lizard poop (she REALLY loves lizard poop!), then kills a squirrel to bring home and chew on while she hides in her crate. 

:o and people wonder why I'm a cat person.  ;D

...As if cats never leave half-eaten mice in the doorway, release live snakes in the screen porch, and puke hairballs in your slippers.

But, we've had a lot of cats over the years, and I never saw a single one of them eating any kind of poop.

They have a vomeronasal organ, so I'm betting they do.  I know cats can have coprophagia too, although I can't really comment on how common it is.

None of my dogs habitually eat poop either, actually.  It's rolling in poop that is good.  Disguise yourself.  Also sniffing it intently, just because.  And peeing on it.  Peeing on poop is extremely important. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 29, 2013, 01:46:40 PM
Quote from: Amicale on November 28, 2013, 07:18:48 PM
Have you ever worked at a grocery store, pharmacy, retail outlet or other department store the night before or (bonus!) OF a holiday, stuck behind a cash register ringing through endless lines of last-minute shoppers, some of who are yelling because there are only 3 people working cash and the line's 25 people long?

A convenience store, yes.

Quote
Try that. Try it for 4 years - then tell me if you'd still prefer it to a holiday dinner.  :D
Is below my paygrade now, but when it was not, I did pretty much all the holidays for over two years. Not a problem.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 01, 2013, 10:38:22 AM
TOMBSTONE JOKE:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftodaysnuttyjoke.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F05%2Ftomb1.jpg&hash=339114bf47314872480f0400781e0bcd75d0b7e6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 01, 2013, 05:02:52 PM
^ Good one Git.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 01, 2013, 05:11:07 PM
Thanks, Icarus!



Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.  People were shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50.  It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on December 01, 2013, 05:21:06 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbcsandbox.info%2Fimages%2Frotfl.gif&hash=0796d1a43b5294ceea9bcb4b8fca8cd47c9b191d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 01, 2013, 05:38:55 PM
Fun site;http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/   
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 01, 2013, 07:25:48 PM
^  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 01, 2013, 07:57:56 PM
90-yr-old woman in a retirement home wallks into the communal living room holding up her clenched fist.

"Anyone who can guess what I am holding in my hand gets to have sex with me," she announced.

"An elephant," called out a 90-yr-old man.

"That's close enough," she smiled.

Sorry if you've heard it - an Ozzie friend sent it to me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 02, 2013, 10:25:23 AM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 02, 2013, 06:50:31 PM
'Remember what we used to do when we were young? You used to make soup and we would take or clothes off, sit at the table naked and eat it', grandpa said. Grandma, filled with desire, agreed to have that experience one more time and started cooking. An hour later, grandma and grandpa were sitting at the table, butt naked, staring each other in the eyes. 'Oh honey', grandma said, 'I'm getting this nice warm feeling in my heart again' 'I bet you are', said grandpa', your tits are hanging in the soup'.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 02, 2013, 07:37:53 PM
Ha ha ha ha ha ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 05, 2013, 08:29:21 AM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1475863_242265345938314_662534220_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 05, 2013, 05:36:32 PM
^ LOL!  A seasonal joke, the product of a lively or perhaps sick, imagination. Love it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 06, 2013, 12:19:28 AM
Dark and brilliant. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on December 06, 2013, 12:34:31 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on December 06, 2013, 12:19:28 AM
Dark and brilliant. :)

Definitely!!!   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 06, 2013, 06:04:30 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1476532_10152034794671730_1261277023_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on December 06, 2013, 06:08:14 PM
^^  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 06, 2013, 11:13:13 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fviralcircus.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F12%2Fdogs-who-are-shamelessly-proud-of-what-they-just-did-4.jpg&hash=29d5b231b09cadb94552e7673df39fe9e4acd4a2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 07, 2013, 12:30:46 AM
The Melon "Collies" are multiplying!!

(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1461173_10153531999160457_2022926401_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on December 07, 2013, 01:08:43 AM
Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 07, 2013, 02:27:14 AM
Quote from: Tank on December 06, 2013, 06:04:30 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1476532_10152034794671730_1261277023_n.jpg)
Right... This kind of stuff is probably where the more uneducated among us get some of their superstitions from in the first place. Not karma, boys and girls, shadows. That's how shadows work.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on December 07, 2013, 03:31:48 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on December 07, 2013, 02:27:14 AM
Quote from: Tank on December 06, 2013, 06:04:30 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1476532_10152034794671730_1261277023_n.jpg)
Right... This kind of stuff is probably where the more uneducated among us get some of their superstitions from in the first place. Not karma, boys and girls, shadows. That's how shadows work.

That's how light works.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 07, 2013, 10:31:09 AM
That's how females work.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 07, 2013, 03:43:17 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on December 07, 2013, 02:27:14 AM
Quote from: Tank on December 06, 2013, 06:04:30 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1476532_10152034794671730_1261277023_n.jpg)
Right... This kind of stuff is probably where the more uneducated among us get some of their superstitions from in the first place. Not karma, boys and girls, shadows. That's how shadows work.

I can't think of anyone who take that seriously as "karma" who isn't dumb as a stump to start with.  You can't fix stupid, no matter how many memes you censor. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 07, 2013, 04:29:42 PM
This is, and will always be, one of my favs:

(https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1461686_10151904332746655_681634404_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 11, 2013, 07:48:48 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/1501750_10200939350877074_2061288109_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 11, 2013, 12:52:18 PM
(https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1459075_10152115907445329_2106137328_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 11, 2013, 01:42:03 PM
(https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1488140_629521393760331_1539617772_n.jpg)

...And I had to run uphill both ways to retrieve it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 11, 2013, 03:50:47 PM
Uphill both ways?  ???

M.C Escher, save The Asmo!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 12, 2013, 03:21:21 AM
I love that last one PC. Great picture. One toy,stick, geezer stuff.

(I walked to school and back, five miles, every day, in the snow. And it was uphill both ways.)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 12, 2013, 07:59:34 AM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1461223_608172129256833_241134315_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eugeny Anatolievich on December 12, 2013, 10:07:02 AM
Russia!
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimtw.ru%2Fuploads%2Fimperiall%2Fimgs%2Ftotal_war1385177269_yci7aytkjgm.jpg&hash=2a0f26b60ca2faa1d825f2ae6fd958aa3d4fe3b7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 12, 2013, 10:15:07 AM
Well, you need some music to chop by.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 12, 2013, 01:51:20 PM
That there, it's a LARGE pile of wood. An enterprising Asmo would have used a wood chopper machine thingy to chop that up.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 12, 2013, 05:06:52 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on December 12, 2013, 01:51:20 PM
That there, it's a LARGE pile of wood. An enterprising Asmo would have used a wood chopper machine thingy to chop that up.
He has. It's called a wife.


That was too easy  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 12, 2013, 06:20:07 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 12, 2013, 05:06:52 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on December 12, 2013, 01:51:20 PM
That there, it's a LARGE pile of wood. An enterprising Asmo would have used a wood chopper machine thingy to chop that up.
He has. It's called a wife.


That was too easy  :D

Tank vs Asmo 1 : 0  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 12, 2013, 08:14:08 PM
Mrs Git cuts as much wood as I do with the chainsaw, but I do all the axing.  ;D

What's she doing with her left hand so far along?  I couldn't work like that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on December 12, 2013, 11:00:51 PM
Quote from: Icarus on December 12, 2013, 03:21:21 AM
(I walked to school and back, five miles, every day, in the snow. And it was uphill both ways.)

I heard this one many times from my grandfather. He also claimed his family was too poor to afford shoes and wrapped barbed-wire around his bare feet for traction to make the trip.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 13, 2013, 11:56:35 AM
Luxury! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 13, 2013, 11:54:16 PM
^  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 14, 2013, 06:50:12 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1471188_822049337824521_803341620_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 14, 2013, 10:58:47 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FATT000101_zps6dafb895.jpg&hash=c4b090cb9fc010cfc6eb59b4c83d9996d423898f) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/ATT000101_zps6dafb895.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 14, 2013, 12:44:31 PM
Been in this one guy's Dodge... I didn't think it was possible to stick so many warning labels on one car... Bloody well everywhere! :-\ Is it just a liability waiver, I wonder? Like... "Well, we fucking TOLD your stupid ass not to do that! LOOK!  >:( "
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 14, 2013, 01:28:18 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1491552_680450851986923_646370927_o.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on December 14, 2013, 01:41:09 PM
I think I will implement Ireland's, Spain's, and Britain's methods. In that order. Repeatedly.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 14, 2013, 03:04:56 PM
The German method is false. It should be an endless loop of "Problem ---> Discussing ----> Problem ----> Discussing ----> Problem ..... etc."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on December 14, 2013, 03:15:00 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on December 14, 2013, 03:04:56 PM
The German method is false. It should be an endless loop of "Problem ---> Discussing ----> Problem ----> Discussing ----> Problem ..... etc."

I thought the joke was that there was nothing after the German solution. It was, you might say, final.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 14, 2013, 03:16:34 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on December 14, 2013, 03:15:00 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on December 14, 2013, 03:04:56 PM
The German method is false. It should be an endless loop of "Problem ---> Discussing ----> Problem ----> Discussing ----> Problem ..... etc."

I thought the joke was that there was nothing after the German solution. It was, you might say, final.

That was in the good old days  ;D.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 14, 2013, 03:17:51 PM
The British one is clearly the only one that works!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 14, 2013, 06:13:45 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on December 14, 2013, 03:15:00 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on December 14, 2013, 03:04:56 PM
The German method is false. It should be an endless loop of "Problem ---> Discussing ----> Problem ----> Discussing ----> Problem ..... etc."

I thought the joke was that there was nothing after the German solution. It was, you might say, final.
I think it was supposed to demonstrate the shortest path to the solution

Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 14, 2013, 03:17:51 PM
The British one is clearly the only one that works!
For the brits, maybe. For me, no amount of tea would aid my problem solving skills, nor will constant breaks and interruptions. I think I'm a bit stereotypically Germanic in that sense. The problem is to be fixed continuously until it goes away.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 16, 2013, 02:25:09 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 14, 2013, 10:58:47 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FATT000101_zps6dafb895.jpg&hash=c4b090cb9fc010cfc6eb59b4c83d9996d423898f) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/ATT000101_zps6dafb895.jpg.html)

Hah!  Saved for posting elsewhere...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 17, 2013, 07:24:08 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1471173_645148548861693_546671814_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 17, 2013, 07:25:22 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3-ec.buzzfed.com%2Fstatic%2F2013-12%2Fenhanced%2Fwebdr03%2F11%2F14%2Fanigif_enhanced-buzz-12412-1386790817-34.gif&hash=29e41744e41ad5a242d927f48db743b113d9f52e)

Found here (http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariellecalderon/the-most-awkward-cats-of-2013)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 17, 2013, 08:10:38 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/946735_10152112510940987_650541994_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 17, 2013, 09:45:46 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcatsandothernonsense.files.wordpress.com%2F2011%2F08%2Ffunny-pictures-cat-is-dressed-like-a-reindeer-and-might-kill-you.jpeg&hash=14fda01238d0152f55b3b0d07fcf4c3da37641e6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 18, 2013, 03:45:39 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Fb2%2Ff0%2F28%2Fb2f028e75104d26d56927d701b58e192.jpg&hash=945e7f8ccb0c603c37fc886adfd5b1ee187ce038)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 18, 2013, 04:12:27 PM
^Oddly enough, that reads just like me driving.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 18, 2013, 07:20:21 PM
(https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1487406_662955573756293_1039033600_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 18, 2013, 10:08:05 PM
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 19, 2013, 12:00:23 AM
PC you have a warped sense of humor......I share that distinction and your pix of the wine bottles just cracked me up. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 19, 2013, 12:23:52 AM
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on December 19, 2013, 01:30:59 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on December 19, 2013, 12:23:52 AM
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

I would have went with gynecologist over son-in-law. Good none the less.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 19, 2013, 02:26:15 AM
Yup. Expected to find the word gynecologist there too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 19, 2013, 06:16:44 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on December 19, 2013, 12:23:52 AM
...
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."
:D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 19, 2013, 07:22:41 AM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1483335_10151910481213208_1921870459_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 19, 2013, 01:26:24 PM
TWENTY THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more .
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 19, 2013, 07:03:07 PM
Naughty naughty Git.   ;)

You should be aware that Santa knows who is naughty or nice
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 19, 2013, 07:12:54 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 19, 2013, 01:26:24 PM
TWENTY THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more .


...Unless you are The Asmo, who can say those things whenever He so desires.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 19, 2013, 10:23:18 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1524827_10151899980146909_883065257_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 19, 2013, 11:54:25 PM
I've obviously not lived. Charades was never like that in our family.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 19, 2013, 11:57:32 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 19, 2013, 01:26:24 PM
TWENTY THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more .



I think you just want to get us all into domestic hot water.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 20, 2013, 12:00:44 AM
 
Quote from: Guardian85 on December 19, 2013, 12:23:52 AM
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

Gross but awfully funny.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 20, 2013, 12:05:27 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on December 18, 2013, 07:20:21 PM
(https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1487406_662955573756293_1039033600_n.jpg)

:) :) :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 20, 2013, 07:09:40 AM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1480776_10151900053261909_155459577_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on December 20, 2013, 06:42:04 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimageshack.com%2Fa%2Fimg547%2F4710%2Fidcp.jpg&hash=6196442aff8e966805e8aaaa02eb1730f80498c3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on December 20, 2013, 11:02:59 PM
^^^^  LOLOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 20, 2013, 11:40:23 PM
Photobombing the lunatics... Satisfying, but I guess it can be more counterproductive than not.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on December 22, 2013, 05:08:56 AM
Quote from: OldGit on December 19, 2013, 01:26:24 PM
TWENTY THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more .


OldGit, you're a funny-dirty-old man!  :D  :D  :D
I read this at night and I wanted to laugh out loud so bad, but I didn't want to wake up anyone. At the end, I was coughing so bad, everyone woke up because the more I tried to suppress my laughter, the worse my asthma got.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on December 22, 2013, 05:12:05 AM
Quote from: Tank on December 19, 2013, 10:23:18 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1524827_10151899980146909_883065257_n.jpg)


^^^^This is hilarious!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on December 24, 2013, 06:01:39 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.funcatpictures.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F08%2Ffun-cat-picture-the-look-on-the-dogs-face-was-worth-it.jpg&hash=6064ee81276ee3c92e1276e4391be05ee074cf56)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 24, 2013, 10:38:05 AM
Another one to add to the twenty things:  a respectable lady presenter on a serious BBC radio politics show said she couldn't wait to seat her mother at the far end of the table for Christmas dinner, so she can ask if granny wants stuffing up her end.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 25, 2013, 11:18:44 AM
Tears rolling down my cheeks at these! http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever

I particularly liked this one

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3-ec.buzzfed.com%2Fstatic%2Fenhanced%2Fwebdr03%2F2013%2F3%2F25%2F10%2Fenhanced-buzz-12700-1364221284-10.jpg&hash=b36e58cf8f129080c21ae41530baa6e1fa77fb94)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 25, 2013, 04:49:01 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 25, 2013, 11:18:44 AM
Tears rolling down my cheeks at these! http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever

I particularly liked this one

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3-ec.buzzfed.com%2Fstatic%2Fenhanced%2Fwebdr03%2F2013%2F3%2F25%2F10%2Fenhanced-buzz-12700-1364221284-10.jpg&hash=b36e58cf8f129080c21ae41530baa6e1fa77fb94)

Sounds like you would like damnyouautocorrect.com
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 25, 2013, 05:38:29 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on December 25, 2013, 04:49:01 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 25, 2013, 11:18:44 AM
Tears rolling down my cheeks at these! http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever

I particularly liked this one

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3-ec.buzzfed.com%2Fstatic%2Fenhanced%2Fwebdr03%2F2013%2F3%2F25%2F10%2Fenhanced-buzz-12700-1364221284-10.jpg&hash=b36e58cf8f129080c21ae41530baa6e1fa77fb94)

Sounds like you would like damnyouautocorrect.com
You've posted from there. I kiked thim o lot.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on December 25, 2013, 06:40:52 PM
Im gonna find the man/team who invented autocorrect and give him an award. Those things are endless fun
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 25, 2013, 08:37:14 PM
Most of these auto correct things must be made up. How do you get anus from house?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on December 25, 2013, 08:53:29 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 25, 2013, 08:37:14 PM
Most of these auto correct things must be made up. How do you get anus from house?

Is that what it was supposed to be? I was wondering myself what word anus was replacing. I thought attic, but that didn't seem right.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 25, 2013, 09:01:42 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 25, 2013, 08:37:14 PM
Most of these auto correct things must be made up. How do you get anus from house?
Attic
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 25, 2013, 09:12:50 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 25, 2013, 09:01:42 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 25, 2013, 08:37:14 PM
Most of these auto correct things must be made up. How do you get anus from house?
Attic

still, doesn't matter how haphazardly I type attic into my phone,  I don't get anus.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 25, 2013, 09:21:33 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 25, 2013, 09:12:50 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 25, 2013, 09:01:42 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 25, 2013, 08:37:14 PM
Most of these auto correct things must be made up. How do you get anus from house?
Attic

still, doesn't matter how haphazardly I type attic into my phone,  I don't get anus.
Damn  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on December 25, 2013, 09:34:35 PM
It's formulated based in what words you use the most. Clearly you don't include enough anus talk in your conversations.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 25, 2013, 09:56:29 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on December 25, 2013, 09:34:35 PM
It's formulated based in what words you use the most. Clearly you don't include enough anus talk in your conversations.

This is obviously where I'm going wrong in life!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 26, 2013, 02:35:09 AM
My favorite autocorrect fail ever was when a friend of mine texted me from a vet's office to say that her 15-year-old dogs was just fine, he had just needed an enigma. 

Turns out he had needed an enema, thus marking the first time autocorrect ever made a text less dirty and still failed massively. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on December 26, 2013, 04:17:12 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 25, 2013, 09:12:50 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 25, 2013, 09:01:42 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 25, 2013, 08:37:14 PM
Most of these auto correct things must be made up. How do you get anus from house?
Attic

still, doesn't matter how haphazardly I type attic into my phone,  I don't get anus.

from what I undrestood, autocorrect uses words you commonly use
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2013, 12:25:55 PM
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 27, 2013, 04:12:11 PM
(https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1512543_570953132980895_843438090_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 28, 2013, 11:45:56 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/1486808_10152176266183982_313367300_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 28, 2013, 09:57:09 PM
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.
Pope: "Sorry about the mix up."
President Clinton: "No problem."
Pope: "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."
President Clinton: "Why's that? It's not that great."
Pope: "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
President Clinton: "Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on December 28, 2013, 11:01:07 PM
..
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 29, 2013, 12:23:47 AM
OOOH! Cat that is a wicked cartoon. Dirty old man that I am, I rather liked it.

I wonder what ever became of Monica Lewinski.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 29, 2013, 12:28:40 AM
Quote from: Icarus on December 29, 2013, 12:23:47 AM
OOOH! Cat that is a wicked cartoon. Dirty old man that I am, I rather liked it.

I wonder what ever became of Monica Lewinski.

Last I heard, she had started a handbag company that gained moderate success based off her notoriety.  That was more than a decade ago, though.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 29, 2013, 02:33:54 AM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1459050_730283766992637_2062571707_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 29, 2013, 09:35:36 AM
Would that make honey Bee vomit?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on December 29, 2013, 10:07:29 AM
Delicious, delicious bee vomit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on December 29, 2013, 01:14:17 PM
..
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 29, 2013, 08:11:33 PM
Quote from: catmandeux on December 29, 2013, 01:14:17 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on December 29, 2013, 12:28:40 AM
Quote from: Icarus on December 29, 2013, 12:23:47 AM
OOOH! Cat that is a wicked cartoon. Dirty old man that I am, I rather liked it.

I wonder what ever became of Monica Lewinski.

Last I heard, she had started a handbag company that gained moderate success based off her notoriety.  That was more than a decade ago, though.

I heard that she has been voting Republican since the 90's because Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Hm... That seems hard to swallow.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on December 29, 2013, 09:09:41 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on December 29, 2013, 08:11:33 PM
Quote from: catmandeux on December 29, 2013, 01:14:17 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on December 29, 2013, 12:28:40 AM
Quote from: Icarus on December 29, 2013, 12:23:47 AM
OOOH! Cat that is a wicked cartoon. Dirty old man that I am, I rather liked it.

I wonder what ever became of Monica Lewinski.

Last I heard, she had started a handbag company that gained moderate success based off her notoriety.  That was more than a decade ago, though.

I heard that she has been voting Republican since the 90's because Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Hm... That seems hard to swallow.

It's only hearsay.  I suppose the only way to know for sure would be to ask Monica for the truth; she never seemed shy about spitting it out.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on December 29, 2013, 10:06:02 PM
Quote from: Icarus on December 29, 2013, 12:23:47 AM
OOOH! Cat that is a wicked cartoon. Dirty old man that I am, I rather liked it.

I wonder what ever became of Monica Lewinski.

I thought you were referring to Fritz the Cat at first.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Nq3Ls6kzeE
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: catmandeux on December 29, 2013, 10:33:15 PM
..
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on December 30, 2013, 12:52:25 AM
Quote from: catmandeux on December 29, 2013, 09:09:41 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on December 29, 2013, 08:11:33 PM
Quote from: catmandeux on December 29, 2013, 01:14:17 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on December 29, 2013, 12:28:40 AM
Quote from: Icarus on December 29, 2013, 12:23:47 AM
OOOH! Cat that is a wicked cartoon. Dirty old man that I am, I rather liked it.

I wonder what ever became of Monica Lewinski.

Last I heard, she had started a handbag company that gained moderate success based off her notoriety.  That was more than a decade ago, though.

I heard that she has been voting Republican since the 90's because Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Hm... That seems hard to swallow.

It's only hearsay.  I suppose the only way to know for sure would be to ask Monica for the truth; she never seemed shy about spitting it out.

And why should she. I mean, her reputation was already stained long ago...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 30, 2013, 01:17:19 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/1521270_648114471897000_1969474472_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 30, 2013, 07:44:16 PM
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 30, 2013, 09:52:30 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1526514_10151881616591336_1148790219_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 31, 2013, 01:06:46 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Ffc%2Fb3%2Fdb%2Ffcb3db8158bb89e28b5a1ca4b37a6bc7.jpg&hash=bfc45be5e24b15b3ca7f2863f14a0d9b579ee601)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 01, 2014, 05:01:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbuttersafe.com%2Fcomics%2F2010-10-21-ServingTheQueen.jpg&hash=c53d5ed0fca3ef3e94544e976ea216eae0842166)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 03, 2014, 08:01:35 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/946196_443826439041952_201962751_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 04, 2014, 05:52:38 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1480537_640217019374672_711659091_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 07, 2014, 05:28:00 PM
(https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1604675_10151822896241456_701781658_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 07, 2014, 06:38:50 PM
^^  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 08, 2014, 06:46:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnatskep.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F04%2Feddie-griffin-4c.jpg&hash=7f750ecfe40787fa72db7d96f6c81026ae54866b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 08, 2014, 07:06:27 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnatskep.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F05%2Fjim-jefferies-satan-9a.jpg&hash=04accfee7627bc10d0160805a0df30f441cec0cf)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 08, 2014, 12:29:52 PM
^ And that would be why I occasionally identify as a Satanist.  God's all, "Nuh-uh, you worship ME!  I wouldn't have to send all this pestilence and shitty weather if you were just better a better flock!"
And Satan's all, "Or you could stop trying to appease that douche and have some fucking fun."

Ultimately it's a false dichotomy, though, as God doesn't exist so Satan as a concept is unnecessary.  So I don't use it much at all.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on January 08, 2014, 10:34:47 PM
Quote from: magdalena on January 08, 2014, 06:46:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnatskep.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F04%2Feddie-griffin-4c.jpg&hash=7f750ecfe40787fa72db7d96f6c81026ae54866b)

I absolutely love this standup routine!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bluenose on January 09, 2014, 08:13:35 AM
Did you about the woman that walked into the back of a high powered radio transmitter?






The oscillator.






OK, don't hit me!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 09, 2014, 03:12:11 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1545857_10152112415871730_428493643_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 09, 2014, 05:56:05 PM
If memory serves me, there are a few other people here who will enjoy this:
They Might Be Hipsters (http://theymightbehipsters.tumblr.com/)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2F111c9ea58e08fa93ce90f8e848b20db7%2Ftumblr_myuqrsQet61qi1qggo1_500.jpg&hash=b7e1b6e12e7b1fc3db90d75e418092751a60436c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on January 09, 2014, 06:15:54 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 09, 2014, 03:12:11 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1545857_10152112415871730_428493643_n.jpg)

what do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
-Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 09, 2014, 08:08:10 PM
Quote from: MariaEvri on January 09, 2014, 06:15:54 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 09, 2014, 03:12:11 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1545857_10152112415871730_428493643_n.jpg)

what do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
-Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
Ohhhhhh!!!! Groan!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 14, 2014, 07:38:55 AM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1010529_10152121866611730_1549080017_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on January 14, 2014, 10:40:21 PM
^^^ Excellent!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 14, 2014, 10:45:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsavasplace.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F07%2Fdinosaur-ark.jpg&hash=c70f7f5225aaeb399d2b38296de674d7eb179418)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on January 14, 2014, 10:47:20 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on January 14, 2014, 10:45:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsavasplace.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F07%2Fdinosaur-ark.jpg&hash=c70f7f5225aaeb399d2b38296de674d7eb179418)
You've convinced me!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 14, 2014, 10:56:41 PM
Yes, but what about the extinct marine life and amphibians? Liopleurodons and the like?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 14, 2014, 11:05:19 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on January 14, 2014, 10:56:41 PM
Yes, but what about the extinct marine life and amphibians? Liopleurodons and the like?

Aquatic life requires specific temperatures and salinity.  If there actually was enough rainfall to cover all land and cause the oceans the merge, it's likely nothing would survive. 

Amphibians mostly breathe air and need to get out of the water occasionally, so I doubt they'd fare well either.  Maybe some hardy frogs and turtles may pull through if there were enough floatsum.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 15, 2014, 12:10:27 AM
Do you really think Liopleurodons and their ilk required temperature and salinity more specific than the ancient sharks and whatever the ancestor of cod was?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 15, 2014, 12:32:03 AM
They were on the ark.  Duh. :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 15, 2014, 07:29:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsavasplace.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F07%2Fdinosaur-ark.jpg&hash=c70f7f5225aaeb399d2b38296de674d7eb179418)
Asmo and Pasta Chick, I'm sorry to butt in on your debate, but both of you haven't noticed something.

Pasta Chick: I see the Liopleurodons and their ilk swimming in the ocean, so they are not on the ark.  ::)
Asmo: The Liopleurodons and their ilk swimming around are about to die because I see one stick of dynamite near them.  

...It could be TNT because, although not quite as powerful as dynamite (and harder to detonate), the main benefit of TNT is that it's even more stable than dynamite. Also, TNT can be melted down and poured into shell casings. On the downside, however, TNT is extremely toxic.

"The downside, however, TNT is extremely toxic!?" For Noah, this was an advantage, he knew TNT would be something extremely toxic for Marine life. The poor Liopleurodons and their ilk were dealing with one smart son of a bitch.  >:(

Now the question is what type of missile did he use? The bones were not destroyed in the explosion, how do you explain that?  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on January 15, 2014, 07:37:51 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on January 14, 2014, 10:45:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsavasplace.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F07%2Fdinosaur-ark.jpg&hash=c70f7f5225aaeb399d2b38296de674d7eb179418)

Hahahaha, I literally spit out my drink.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 15, 2014, 08:06:11 AM
Quote from: magdalena on January 15, 2014, 07:29:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsavasplace.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F07%2Fdinosaur-ark.jpg&hash=c70f7f5225aaeb399d2b38296de674d7eb179418)
Asmo and Pasta Chick, I'm sorry to butt in on your debate, but both of you haven't noticed something.

Pasta Chick: I see the Liopleurodons and their ilk swimming in the ocean, so they are not on the ark.  ::)

No, the shark and cod anscestors were in Noah's ark.  The dinosaurs obviously did not build a big enough ark and the Leoploridons could not fit.  They're getting TNT'd or dying with the rest of the sea life from inappropriate aquatic conditions.

QuoteNow the question is what type of missile did he use? The bones were not destroyed in the explosion, how do you explain that?  ;)

They must have come from other areas.  There were only 2 arks, so the battle would have been relatively small and not terribly destructive.  We need to look for an area of mostly vaporized dinosaur fossils to prove this Biblical truth. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 15, 2014, 09:54:21 AM
I'm just a silly old codger, but I must admit I thought it was just a joke.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 15, 2014, 12:26:39 PM
Blasphemy!  Raptor Jesus went extinct for your sins!  Repent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 15, 2014, 05:15:57 PM
The ancient Asmos survived very well, thank you very much, but His Infernal Grayness is not above admitting that that whole "Flood Luxembourg with a flood"-scheme went... Well, slightly, a tiny-wee-incy bit... Sort of out of control... Just a little. Yes, that's what it was.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 15, 2014, 05:59:28 PM
Clay is known for doing well in riverbeds and the like.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on January 15, 2014, 09:33:28 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on January 14, 2014, 10:47:20 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on January 14, 2014, 10:45:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsavasplace.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F07%2Fdinosaur-ark.jpg&hash=c70f7f5225aaeb399d2b38296de674d7eb179418)
You've convinced me!

Actually, according to string theory, there were multiple arks, all tied together with a string.  Some of them were submarine arks, which held the various forms of ancient marine life.  Noah destroyed them with depth charges, along with all the other arks that he destroyed with his cannon.  The picture only shows the very end of the destruction.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on January 16, 2014, 12:43:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmysteryhistory.tv%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F11%2FJesus-In-Dog-Butt-Wide.jpg&hash=e6114d5240decd62fdccd4103351ed7c348cd66b)

I always knew he was full of shit...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 16, 2014, 06:50:55 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.fjcdn.com%2Fpictures%2FWill%2BFerrel_9fca0d_4965793.jpg&hash=f5465db518f2704e5fca4f8750a81c81e229aa49)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 16, 2014, 07:03:29 PM
I found another theory.  ;)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg8.joyreactor.com%2Fpics%2Fpost%2Fauto-comics-dinosaur-noah-311208.jpeg&hash=abc7b07561c7a016242b302508879a0ca8665d49)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 17, 2014, 03:38:23 AM
Love it Magdalena. That reminds me of me when I am having one of my all day senior moments. I miss many appointments  when in that condition.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 17, 2014, 05:36:04 AM
Quote from: Icarus on January 17, 2014, 03:38:23 AM
Love it Magdalena. That reminds me of me when I am having one of my all day senior moments. I miss many appointments  when in that condition.  ;D

I'm sure those 'all day senior moments' aren't often. ;)
...But for those moments, this one is for you Icarus:

Three old women are talking about the bad things that come with getting old.

The first one says, "My memory is really bad, the other day I was at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn't remember if I had just come down or if I had to go up."

The second one says, "That's nothing, the other day, I opened the fridge door and I couldn't remember if I had just put something in or if I had to take something out."

The third one says, "I'm so glad I don't have any memory problems, (and she knocks on wood three times) then she says, "Oh, there's someone at the door!"
;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 17, 2014, 02:05:07 PM
(https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1609793_770385886323184_1498392998_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 17, 2014, 04:44:36 PM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1510945_10152142300724939_2128476656_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 17, 2014, 04:46:37 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1535601_450178541749272_1365479165_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on January 17, 2014, 05:04:15 PM
My favourite line!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 17, 2014, 05:33:34 PM
Mine too!  It should only be open to current or former cashiers, though.  Some people just can not figure that shit out.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on January 17, 2014, 05:44:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimageshack.com%2Fa%2Fimg32%2F654%2Fnbyt.jpg&hash=bb7cac579dd376cb12027cca528d332a6a11f96a)

This one's for asmo.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 17, 2014, 05:49:23 PM
That's definitely one for the Argggggg!!! thread!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 17, 2014, 07:24:40 PM
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of 100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's 7000." Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's 7500." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!"
The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands, sahr!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 17, 2014, 08:56:42 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 17, 2014, 05:49:23 PM
That's definitely one for the Argggggg!!! thread!
It's just a vagina cake...  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 17, 2014, 09:26:08 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on January 17, 2014, 08:56:42 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 17, 2014, 05:49:23 PM
That's definitely one for the Argggggg!!! thread!
It's just a vagina cake...  ???
It's actually a vulva cake.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 18, 2014, 02:25:24 AM
Hey now.  What I do know is, it's no joke (http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2013/4/18/10-hilariously-inappropriate-baby-shower-cakes.html). 

These are serious baby (http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2008/6/22/naked-mohawk-baby-carrot-jockeys.html) shower (http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2009/2/23/hey-everybody-thish-cake-ish-from-holland-ishnt-that-veird.html) cakes (http://cakewrecks.squarespace.com/home/2008/11/5/oh-mama.html) we're talking about here (http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2008/7/22/the-first-censored-cake-wreck.html).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 19, 2014, 06:37:30 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on January 18, 2014, 02:25:24 AM
Hey now.  What I do know is, it's no joke (http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2013/4/18/10-hilariously-inappropriate-baby-shower-cakes.html). 

These are serious baby (http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2008/6/22/naked-mohawk-baby-carrot-jockeys.html) shower (http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2009/2/23/hey-everybody-thish-cake-ish-from-holland-ishnt-that-veird.html) cakes (http://cakewrecks.squarespace.com/home/2008/11/5/oh-mama.html) we're talking about here (http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2008/7/22/the-first-censored-cake-wreck.html).

Gee, thanks for that Pasta Chick...I think. (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-shocked032.gif&hash=25512059f9d868ec272d03a01dde1815ce1ec367)

"Push Olivia, push!" "Push Shelby, push!" "Push Trinity, push!" --Wow!
"Heads up!"--Cute.
Twins--Also cute.
"Ready or not... Here I come!"--Disturbing!
New born with placenta--That's just wrong!
"He shoots...He scores!"--Accurate.
The last one--That's some Psycho-shit! It's nightmarish, too much strawberry jam. This one should be censored.
The water birth--I don't even know where to begin, I'm speechless! I wouldn't eat it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on January 19, 2014, 10:10:49 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on January 17, 2014, 08:56:42 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 17, 2014, 05:49:23 PM
That's definitely one for the Argggggg!!! thread!
It's just a vagina cake...  ???

Is there a phallic cake to go with it?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 20, 2014, 01:38:27 AM
Do you really have to ask?

I strongly advise NO ONE click this link.  There is a reason I did not use image code.  ONCE YOU SEE IT YOU CAN NOT UNSEE IT!!!!!!!!!!! (http://www.jerzeedevil.com/gallery/files/4/1/cakeanyone.jpg)

Of course, the funniest ones are the unintentionally phallic cakes:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Fe8%2F0b%2Fc3%2Fe80bc34f01823a9200d0ccdef9e1134a.jpg&hash=157c4d232ae44a21d1a260adc3dc1c3c5b004446)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on January 20, 2014, 03:46:47 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on January 20, 2014, 01:38:27 AM
I strongly advise NO ONE click this link.  There is a reason I did not use image code.  ONCE YOU SEE IT YOU CAN NOT UNSEE IT!!!!!!!!!!! (http://www.jerzeedevil.com/gallery/files/4/1/cakeanyone.jpg)

:-[

I should have taken your advice...

Edit: I bet it tastes like ass.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on January 20, 2014, 11:43:43 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on January 20, 2014, 01:38:27 AM
Do you really have to ask?

I strongly advise NO ONE click this link.  There is a reason I did not use image code.  ONCE YOU SEE IT YOU CAN NOT UNSEE IT!!!!!!!!!!! (http://www.jerzeedevil.com/gallery/files/4/1/cakeanyone.jpg)

Of course, the funniest ones are the unintentionally phallic cakes:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Fe8%2F0b%2Fc3%2Fe80bc34f01823a9200d0ccdef9e1134a.jpg&hash=157c4d232ae44a21d1a260adc3dc1c3c5b004446)

I should have known better!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 21, 2014, 04:53:50 AM
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 21, 2014, 08:20:21 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/46448_10152138854806730_2054639463_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 21, 2014, 11:04:57 PM
Guy Reenacts Romantic Movie Scenes...  With A Dog (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/02/wrigley-at-the-movies-dog-pictures_n_4532696.html?utm_hp_ref=dogs)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.huffpost.com%2Fgen%2F1543110%2Fthumbs%2Fn-WRIGLEY-AT-THE-MOVIES-large570.jpg&hash=36acb0aa439d692a15f15958604fbe63219e6bb9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 22, 2014, 08:16:43 AM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1/1555406_10151971278778800_1624421390_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 26, 2014, 05:41:52 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/1477378_571974199557902_112978905_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 26, 2014, 07:52:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEl3Lo.png%253F1&hash=934870b8e7fe6f6501838b32c3be95f9edb42f03)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 27, 2014, 09:57:35 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/t1/999188_685384614845814_89736988_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 27, 2014, 10:25:10 PM
Yes, well... Beats what them Pacific Rimers call their cars. Have you seen those names?! Getz, Myvi, Matiz, Cee'd... Terrible. How do you even pronounce Cee'd?!  >:(

Oh, and Ford also make (off the top of my head) Galaxy, Explorer, Expedition and Fusion. One can make pics out of those too. What I don't get is why one would even bother..?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on January 30, 2014, 02:24:19 AM
Arrest Blair (http://www.arrestblair.org/war-crimes-reports%5B/url) It's not actually a joke, but I do find it very amusing. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on January 30, 2014, 09:55:43 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on January 30, 2014, 02:24:19 AM
Arrest Blair (http://www.arrestblair.org/war-crimes-reports%5B/url) It's not actually a joke, but I do find it very amusing. :)

It's brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 31, 2014, 12:58:55 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on January 30, 2014, 02:24:19 AM
Arrest Blair (http://www.arrestblair.org/war-crimes-reports%5B/url) It's not actually a joke, but I do find it very amusing. :)

When I click that link I get a 404 error, however the whole site does appear here (http://www.arrestblair.org/what-are-crimes-against-peace).

Seems a worthy campaign to me.  We need to nail these criminals before they die - I was so disappointed when Edward Heath died; I had hoped to see him hanged for treason.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on January 31, 2014, 05:23:50 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimageshack.com%2Fa%2Fimg541%2F5275%2Fgk5c.jpg&hash=0f58b1a62b7d2e76a9ae65bbdd8ac33e9e01b351)

Now that I've seen it, I can't unsee it. Not that I'd want to, of course because it's fucking awesome!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on January 31, 2014, 05:44:36 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on January 31, 2014, 05:23:50 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimageshack.com%2Fa%2Fimg541%2F5275%2Fgk5c.jpg&hash=0f58b1a62b7d2e76a9ae65bbdd8ac33e9e01b351)

Now that I've seen it, I can't unsee it. Not that I'd want to, of course because it's fucking awesome!

I absolutely love it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 31, 2014, 11:44:04 PM
^^^We HAFers are nothing if not brilliantly imaginative. I'm going for the T-rex/watermelon option.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 01, 2014, 12:38:47 AM
But where did the T Rex get a watermelon?  Sounds like some YEC nonsense to me...(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg99.imageshack.us%2Fimg99%2F4387%2Fshifty1sm2.gif&hash=7ae28cd17de4c658d33135ed744efc02a4f660c1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on February 01, 2014, 01:05:50 PM
An epic battle (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Av2u8OO8Dpw) between a postman and a cat ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 01, 2014, 04:41:14 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on February 01, 2014, 12:38:47 AM
But where did the T Rex get a watermelon?  Sounds like some YEC nonsense to me...(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg99.imageshack.us%2Fimg99%2F4387%2Fshifty1sm2.gif&hash=7ae28cd17de4c658d33135ed744efc02a4f660c1)

Where does a T Rex get a watermelon? Aliens, of course. I mean, c'mon PC.. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 01, 2014, 04:59:20 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 01, 2014, 04:41:14 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on February 01, 2014, 12:38:47 AM
But where did the T Rex get a watermelon?  Sounds like some YEC nonsense to me...(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg99.imageshack.us%2Fimg99%2F4387%2Fshifty1sm2.gif&hash=7ae28cd17de4c658d33135ed744efc02a4f660c1)

Where does a T Rex get a watermelon? Aliens, of course. I mean, c'mon PC.. 

Did you not know Aliens use watermelons as a mode of transport, I have proof....(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sparksflydesign.com%2Fwp-content%2Fgallery%2Fwatermelons%2FAlien-Watermelon.jpg&hash=b80bf1a3be0be8ece54665359b15ae5aa4019882)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on February 01, 2014, 05:03:10 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on February 01, 2014, 04:59:20 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 01, 2014, 04:41:14 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on February 01, 2014, 12:38:47 AM
But where did the T Rex get a watermelon?  Sounds like some YEC nonsense to me...(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg99.imageshack.us%2Fimg99%2F4387%2Fshifty1sm2.gif&hash=7ae28cd17de4c658d33135ed744efc02a4f660c1)

Where does a T Rex get a watermelon? Aliens, of course. I mean, c'mon PC.. 

Did you not know Aliens use watermelons as a mode of transport, I have proof....(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sparksflydesign.com%2Fwp-content%2Fgallery%2Fwatermelons%2FAlien-Watermelon.jpg&hash=b80bf1a3be0be8ece54665359b15ae5aa4019882)

I always suspected that the watermelons we usually eat are non fertilized alien egg pods...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 01, 2014, 05:24:21 PM
The invisible ones are the worst.....(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.fjcdn.com%2Fpictures%2FAliens%2BDid%2BIt_1cc64d_3472137.jpg&hash=992e1de4e22750f6cbf9bb31b7d8cbc103f6edc4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 02, 2014, 12:15:17 AM
That is not an imaginary watermelon IHYM is holding. Too small a span to be the size of the fish he caught.  Maybe a description of a GFs bust ,,,,never mind.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 02, 2014, 05:13:31 PM
"Why is there a watermelon there?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpVXpCNFOSg
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 02, 2014, 07:00:14 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimageshack.com%2Fa%2Fimg838%2F1695%2Fggj4.jpg&hash=903b2242501af2b399d1ee6f199d508ff95df29d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on February 02, 2014, 07:10:10 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 02, 2014, 07:00:14 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimageshack.com%2Fa%2Fimg838%2F1695%2Fggj4.jpg&hash=903b2242501af2b399d1ee6f199d508ff95df29d)

:D

His facial expression matches the captioning so well!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on February 03, 2014, 02:05:14 PM
This thread is better than medicine.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 03, 2014, 03:32:36 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1/1625667_540110902763160_1943185501_n.jpg)

Just made my laugh.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 03, 2014, 03:45:43 PM
For All You Cat Lovers (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=644311065630053)

I'm just ignoring the two or three who are being complete douches to their animals.  The rest is too funny.

And for the Asmo, there is a rattie, too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 03, 2014, 03:54:42 PM
Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 03, 2014, 03:56:41 PM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/1546121_10201111054613102_270868016_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 03, 2014, 04:01:04 PM
Anybody seen  this site (http://loljesus.com) before?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 03, 2014, 04:05:55 PM
I was in a relationship with this girl when she told me,

"I did not want to scare you off by telling you this but it's only right you should know. I was married and I run away from my husband because of the constant beatings, I could never endure that again."

"You have absolutely nothing to worry about with me," I replied, "I have no intention of marrying you."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 03, 2014, 04:59:15 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 03, 2014, 03:56:41 PM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/1546121_10201111054613102_270868016_n.jpg)
Ha!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 04, 2014, 12:43:15 AM
Quote from: OldGit on February 03, 2014, 04:01:04 PM
Anybody seen  this site (http://loljesus.com) before?


OG I am concerned about you. How do you find such outlandishly deranged sites?  Aside from that you are one of my most admired and respected heathens........well even if you do find WTF sites.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 04, 2014, 11:03:33 AM
I came across a link to it, but I can't remember where.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 08, 2014, 07:24:54 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/1904037_10152343898221844_1689932703_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 08, 2014, 03:53:29 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/1511340_10151863307792651_211268805_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: En_Route on February 08, 2014, 06:06:54 PM
the professor of string theoy is gfound in bed with one of his students by his wife when she returns home early."Please stay calm, darling "says the professor "I can explain everything" .
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 08, 2014, 06:40:01 PM
Ha!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 08, 2014, 07:44:28 PM
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man.  "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"  With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing and prodding, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark".

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.  The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk.  "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" 

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 09, 2014, 10:08:52 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/1525455_577182245697364_1707734846_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 11, 2014, 06:36:33 PM
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/1622610_427490727383914_211792725_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 11, 2014, 07:14:27 PM
^ Funny. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 12, 2014, 01:51:58 AM
Quote from: Tank on February 09, 2014, 10:08:52 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/1525455_577182245697364_1707734846_n.jpg)
The joke being the tininess of the spider for it to squeeze through that little hole?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 12, 2014, 08:51:36 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 12, 2014, 01:51:58 AM
Quote from: Tank on February 09, 2014, 10:08:52 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/1525455_577182245697364_1707734846_n.jpg)
The joke being the tininess of the spider for it to squeeze through that little hole?
The joke is that the spider is no longer under the cup.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 12, 2014, 09:42:39 AM
Exactly.  It's escaped and may even now be sneaking up on the reader. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 12, 2014, 06:56:25 PM
(https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1780677_735264239872984_1702694558_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on February 13, 2014, 07:21:36 AM
and africa and s. america make a dinosaur!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.forkparty.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F06%2Fafrica-south-america-t-rex.jpg&hash=a828e7830e12ddd1f0d3209f54913aa534f84355)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 13, 2014, 01:40:54 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/t1/196148_10151926953552203_327213810_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 13, 2014, 02:50:25 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/1620452_10152277784823690_1331617483_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 13, 2014, 05:38:04 PM
^ LOL!  Guess what mine turns  out to be.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 14, 2014, 04:35:44 PM
Yeah, pretty much:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 14, 2014, 07:13:17 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgs.xkcd.com%2Fcomics%2Fkola_borehole.png&hash=9ebd6f9781768250153b16f689f8e2c14d67b638)

And because I'm full of 'em today:

I used to pray to God for a bicycle every day.  Then I got a little older, and I realized prayer doesn't work that way.  So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 16, 2014, 03:23:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.engrish.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F%2F2014%2F02%2Fgroly-of-god.jpg&hash=329fea9d4e662ba21f19c5a420451da61e3830a5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 16, 2014, 05:45:24 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2F263a5e723cd915a92d05768f1616e1b0%2Ftumblr_n0ogvnhGfT1ql2603o1_500.jpg&hash=6b32fcf097fad3535990f9fb66106d739eba3759)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 16, 2014, 05:55:04 PM
Well, that shows the kid has a good grasp of English.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 16, 2014, 06:21:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F31.media.tumblr.com%2Fd00b9ad1183d17597448ea90862dad1c%2Ftumblr_mudo7xU6Ab1r8eazbo1_500.png&hash=07471388e018df2df2bb3c63bf1d098d2bcb5cfd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 16, 2014, 06:24:10 PM
So a police car would be a sausage roller?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 16, 2014, 06:52:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fblog.thoughtpick.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F09%2Ftwitter-joke.jpg&hash=53e86985491f10502122bfbe4f287fa80251b021)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 16, 2014, 07:17:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Fa0a18e04cc492b8fa4e7ee9ac6c04086%2Ftumblr_n0q5y38hVy1r0y0myo1_500.jpg&hash=1cdeeaddd43aa119cf395c02a853c6d6056b3aff)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 17, 2014, 12:11:10 AM
YES! The Church of Divine Asmology, it teaches that there.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 18, 2014, 08:11:37 PM
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1/q71/s320x320/1798334_766410793369901_330802096_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 18, 2014, 08:52:13 PM
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 19, 2014, 10:08:37 AM
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1958229_10153832097640527_2004491532_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on February 19, 2014, 11:28:10 AM
^ It would be difficult to imagine a more punchable face. The photoshop just makes it even more so.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on February 19, 2014, 01:29:19 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on February 19, 2014, 11:28:10 AM
^ It would be difficult to imagine a more punchable face. The photoshop just makes it even more so.

Wouldn't it be better to poke him in the eye with a stick?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 19, 2014, 03:29:45 PM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1903005_599698036773071_1781017658_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 19, 2014, 03:43:48 PM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1912029_10202414527258580_1245006093_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 19, 2014, 03:45:36 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/1904255_10152202090926730_1414788046_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 19, 2014, 09:16:46 PM
^ ouch...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 20, 2014, 01:08:25 AM
Blond man jokes....The ladies have heard enough of the blond abuse.

A blong guy is having sex with his wife and the window shades were open. The observing neighbors thought it amusing to watch the fun and games. Next day a neighbor tells the blond husband that he should close the shades when he has sex with his wife because the whole neighborhood had watched. Blond man says; Haha jokes on you, I was out of town on a business trip yesterday.

..........................................................................................

Two blond guys find three live hand grenades. They figured they'd better turn them over to the police. One of them says; what if one of them explodes before we turn them in? The other one says; We'll lie and say that we found only two.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 21, 2014, 11:54:52 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fblonde_zpsfca21c14.jpg&hash=627d642a34210a96afcbb865fdf7034beecef821) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/blonde_zpsfca21c14.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 21, 2014, 02:03:27 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1/1782099_662594897141345_319376477_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on February 21, 2014, 04:31:16 PM
Quote from: OldGit on February 21, 2014, 11:54:52 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fblonde_zpsfca21c14.jpg&hash=627d642a34210a96afcbb865fdf7034beecef821) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/blonde_zpsfca21c14.jpg.html)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femo%2Flaughing%2Frolling-on-the-floor-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif&hash=3ac2d39ad8e0fad79547dfea8c54cc567eb8bc6d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 23, 2014, 09:14:43 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/5521_764291143591899_581683662_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 23, 2014, 04:30:04 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1rXf8sl.png&hash=f2730bf602a9e40b4c591a20d185806f1be773d9)

Well, I think it's funny.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on February 24, 2014, 02:18:04 AM
^ A.C.E . . . that sounds familiar...I think I was enrolled in that for awhile.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 24, 2014, 11:37:26 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FLudlow_Jnl_640_zps8e24de49.jpg&hash=d7988d5e6af55e6948e0a21b0174dd8d5ef4b6b2) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/Ludlow_Jnl_640_zps8e24de49.jpg.html)

If you don't see the joke at first, take a careful look at the photo caption.  From an old copy of the Ludlow Journal.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 24, 2014, 11:41:29 AM
Face-palming good from the 'Murican South (http://deadspin.com/scores-of-idiots-dont-realize-fox-is-airing-last-year-1529242573)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 24, 2014, 03:15:32 PM
To be fair, is there any difference between Daytona 500 races? They all look the same to me...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on February 24, 2014, 06:16:51 PM
Quote from: Davin on February 24, 2014, 03:15:32 PM
To be fair, is there any difference between Daytona 500 races? They all look the same to me...

But it clearly says along the bottom it is last years race.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 24, 2014, 06:27:23 PM
Quote from: Davin on February 24, 2014, 03:15:32 PM
To be fair, is there any difference between Daytona 500 races? They all look the same to me...

Shit dude, this is making you sound race-ist.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 24, 2014, 06:58:25 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 24, 2014, 06:27:23 PM
Quote from: Davin on February 24, 2014, 03:15:32 PM
To be fair, is there any difference between Daytona 500 races? They all look the same to me...

Shit dude, this is making you sound race-ist.
:D Some of my best friends are Daytona 500s!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 24, 2014, 07:22:12 PM
Quote from: Davin on February 24, 2014, 06:58:25 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on February 24, 2014, 06:27:23 PM
Quote from: Davin on February 24, 2014, 03:15:32 PM
To be fair, is there any difference between Daytona 500 races? They all look the same to me...

Shit dude, this is making you sound race-ist.
:D Some of my best friends are Daytona 500s!

Oh... What... So you keep a couple of daytonas 500 around to parade about in front of company?

Despicable.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 24, 2014, 07:50:39 PM
Oh come now... I'm sure he has binders full of Daytona 500's he can reference for whatever he needs.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 24, 2014, 11:47:27 PM

Git, that newspaper really must get a more vigilant proof reader.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 27, 2014, 11:00:37 AM
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife.  Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir.  Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 27, 2014, 01:36:07 PM
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 27, 2014, 10:13:09 PM
(https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1/1795553_610174505717476_1022749286_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 01, 2014, 04:45:00 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/l/t1/1621680_493534127417557_1831550603_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 01, 2014, 06:14:58 PM
Q.  Why is a camel known as the 'Ship of the desert'?

A  ˙uǝɯǝs qɐɹɐ ɟo ןןnɟ s,ʇı ǝsnɐɔǝq
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 02, 2014, 12:01:29 PM
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too. 
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bluenose on March 02, 2014, 12:04:37 PM
A koala was  sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint (as they do)

When a  little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you  doing?'

The koala  said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the  little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a  few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'  and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little  lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the  river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.  Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The  little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the  koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the  river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to  check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the  koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and  said,

'Hey  Koala!'

So the koala looked down at him and  said,

'Fuck  me....
How  much water did you drink!?'
               
     

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on March 03, 2014, 06:45:21 AM
^ ^ ^
:D LOL, that's hilarious!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 03, 2014, 07:29:14 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmodmyi.com%2Fattachments%2Fforums%2Fchit-chat%2F288191d1241551455-official-de-motivationational-picture-thread-bomb-squad-prank.jpg&hash=235045c9ec42a75d41ea0e06fb7cd22da5b1ee95)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on March 03, 2014, 06:19:36 PM
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1/1377591_10151658357970778_764794073_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 04, 2014, 02:03:20 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1/1798441_661024883956504_2119360049_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on March 04, 2014, 06:21:01 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F68663_424222664312728_59296453_n.jpg&hash=87567490ee25e7521095b03447481edfb3a49595)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: LandShark on March 12, 2014, 03:06:09 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-NqqdRYbBBF8%2FT2gP_Pu492I%2FAAAAAAAAAWs%2F-CySpdwrF0U%2Fs1600%2FOMg%2BShark%2B...Whaaat.jpg&hash=22680b8e991987e1a3ca590440f6b1c37d3fd10a)
A Catholic priest in training shows up at the Vatican where the newbies spend their time making copies of ancient books.
The new priest goes to the basement of the library saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others'
copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the other priests, wondering where their new
friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on March 13, 2014, 12:54:42 PM
(https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1.0-9/1904022_10151892968221256_1761358140_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on March 18, 2014, 03:24:24 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/1962807_10201973667359271_299716159_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 19, 2014, 01:29:10 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.engrish.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F%2F2014%2F03%2Fmighty-urbiculture.jpg&hash=26ac8fffb0df7fafd5f4b1b43287d5bfea32576e)

I think it's about Marvin. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on March 19, 2014, 01:52:19 PM
Quote from: OldGit on March 19, 2014, 01:29:10 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.engrish.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F%2F2014%2F03%2Fmighty-urbiculture.jpg&hash=26ac8fffb0df7fafd5f4b1b43287d5bfea32576e)

I think it's about Marvin. ;)

It clearly says human is the clockwork terrible monster, with witch I agree. It then expresses some undeniably human fuckupedness, I don't see what I have to do with it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on March 21, 2014, 07:24:24 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fblueollie.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F11%2Fstudy.jpg%3Fw%3D407%26amp%3Bh%3D405&hash=c06c5a8d5ca1f621e61c265dc8e7a971902afd4d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 22, 2014, 05:33:01 AM
^ How true Magdalena.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on March 22, 2014, 06:17:36 AM
 ^ ^ For people our age.  :D
My ten year old didn't get it, I had to explain it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 25, 2014, 06:13:54 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/10155165_905559582806829_1855199311_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on March 29, 2014, 07:23:08 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ak0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Fe6%2F33%2Fa9%2Fe633a93cd8129f4ece55717be78dfa9c.jpg&hash=50013a91c6ecf94d1391296b56c8628437e5cdc9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 29, 2014, 10:28:03 PM
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 01, 2014, 07:57:17 AM
(https://scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/10155659_780432805377758_632411539_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 01, 2014, 07:38:42 PM
So this man walks into a bar and orders himself three pints of beer, he then takes his three beers and sits down a nearby table and begins to drink. When he finishes the three he goes back up to the bar and orders three more, and after finishing those three he ends up leaving the bar for the night.

This occurs in the same bar several times a week, with the same man always ordering three beers at a time. After a couple weeks of this the bartender asks the man why he always orders three beers at one time, and even tells the man that either him or one of the bar maids would be happy to bring him more beer when he needs one and that it's not necessary to always feel the need to order three.

The man tells the bartender that he always orders three beers when he drinks on account of his two brothers. You see the three brothers grew up in Ireland, but hard times and lack of jobs forced two of the brothers to have to emigrate, while the third stayed in Ireland and worked the farm. Not knowing if they three of them would ever be together again they made a vow to always have a beer for each brother when drinking, which explained why this gentleman always ordered three beers.

Time went on and the man soon became a favorite in the bar with the other regulars, as he would often tell wonderful stories about his life growing up in Ireland along with his two wonderful brothers.

Then one day he walks into the bar and tells the bartender to give him two pints of beer instead of the usual three. Well, as you can imagine the bar grows silent while this is overheard.
As the bartender slides the two beers across the bar he asks him if something tragic has happened to one of his two dear brothers, as he noticed he only ordered two beers instead of the normal three. The man looks at the bartender, and then also notices that every ear in the bar is on him and realizes what is running through all of their minds at the moment and replies, "Ah no, both of me dear brothers is fine, and thank ye all for your concern. It's me doncha know, I've given up drinking for lent"!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 01, 2014, 08:39:07 PM
 ;D

Do you have any Irish ancestry that you know of?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 01, 2014, 09:24:42 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 01, 2014, 08:39:07 PM
;D

Do you have any Irish ancestry that you know of?

No, not that I'm aware of. Mostly Polish and German.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 01, 2014, 09:45:25 PM
Quote from: Bruno on April 01, 2014, 09:24:42 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 01, 2014, 08:39:07 PM
;D

Do you have any Irish ancestry that you know of?

No, not that I'm aware of. Mostly Polish and German.
You should know your sausages then! I'm in England and we've recently have quite a few Polish people move here. One upside is the supermarkets have improved their ranges of Polish cold meat products; and they are bloody brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 01, 2014, 10:20:15 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 01, 2014, 09:45:25 PM
Quote from: Bruno on April 01, 2014, 09:24:42 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 01, 2014, 08:39:07 PM
;D

Do you have any Irish ancestry that you know of?

No, not that I'm aware of. Mostly Polish and German.
You should know your sausages then! I'm in England and we've recently have quite a few Polish people move here. One upside is the supermarkets have improved their ranges of Polish cold meat products; and they are bloody brilliant!

I do have a certain fondness for both fresh and smoked Kielbasa, these were a staple in the home growing up, and even though I don't celebrate or observe easter I do plan on picking some up later this month. I live outside Detroit, MI and we have a fairly large Polish population here, so it is still possible to get a hold of some good quality sausages!

My paternal grandparents were both from Poland, but both passed away before I was born; fortunately, my Mother, although primarily German would prepare us many Polish dishes she learned from her Mother-in-Law, such as stuff cabbage, sauerkraut!
One other such dish was the for the Polish Blood Sausage called "Kiszka", even now, years later I cringe at the thought of it. Everyone else in the family loved it, my Father adored it.
My parents insisted we eat everything on our plate, and we had to sit there at the table until everything was gone. I hated Kiszka, I would sit for hours slowly trying to eat this, smothering it with ketchup (Which now I hate as well) trying to disguise the taste, tears streaming down my face.
Horrible stuff, that Kiszka, yech:(
When my children were small, and we would eat over at my mother's home she would prepare them foods separate from the adults if she didn't think they would like it, and I would tease her and say, "Hey, where's the woman who used to force me to eat Kiska when I was a child"?  She denied ever making me eat it, and thought my relating it to a form of child abuse as horrible. She also made me eat head cheese which is a whole other yucky thing.



Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 01, 2014, 10:25:05 PM
That blood sausage sounds like this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_pudding which I don't mind but don't eat often as it's loaded with fat. How did your paternal family end up in the USA?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 01, 2014, 10:55:27 PM
Black Pudding looks about the same, and I'm familiar with it. A gentleman I knew years ago ran a pub in Savannah, Georgia. He was from your neck of the woods. I spent a lot of time in his pub, and food and beer were among our favorite topics.

Not sure as to why they ended up here, as we don't know much about them especially my Grandfather. Sad really, although I did discover a number of documents recently for the two of them, hidden away in an old cigar tin. Need to have someone translate them for me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 02, 2014, 12:58:26 AM
Bruno: I grew up in a mostly Polish neighborhood in Ohio. Love kielbasa and pirogi. (tho I'm Lebanese)

Also heard a lot of "I lost my kielbasa down the sewer" and "Who stole the keeshka?" ;-)

http://youtu.be/0V4EkaCeTas?t=19s
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on April 02, 2014, 01:10:53 AM
Quote from: Bruno on April 01, 2014, 10:55:27 PM
Black Pudding looks about the same, and I'm familiar with it. A gentleman I knew years ago ran a pub in Savannah, Georgia.

Was it the Six Pence Pub?  I like that place.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 02, 2014, 01:54:34 PM
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on April 02, 2014, 01:10:53 AM
Quote from: Bruno on April 01, 2014, 10:55:27 PM
Black Pudding looks about the same, and I'm familiar with it. A gentleman I knew years ago ran a pub in Savannah, Georgia.

Was it the Six Pence Pub?  I like that place.

No, the place is no longer there, closed some time ago, and I can't for the life of me remember the name. Lovely city though, has changed a lot. Much more touristy now than it used to be.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 02, 2014, 02:14:05 PM
You guys are turning the jokes thread into a total sausage fest  >:(





(Ba-doom cha!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 02, 2014, 03:40:26 PM
OK, here's some silly newspaper headlines instead:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 02, 2014, 06:48:15 PM
^ ^ ^  That's hillarious, your posts make me laugh every time.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 02, 2014, 07:22:35 PM
Quote from: OldGit on April 02, 2014, 03:40:26 PM

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


Obviously, atheists have been saying that foreva...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on April 02, 2014, 10:48:53 PM
Quote from: OldGit on April 02, 2014, 03:40:26 PM
OK, here's some silly newspaper headlines instead:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

^My favorites, though all of them were good.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 03, 2014, 12:18:23 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.gdargaud.net%2FHumor%2FPics%2FNotDrinkingAgain.jpg&hash=ec3b49efff03b5dc66d93f6ca0d344078d909527)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on April 03, 2014, 12:50:14 AM
Here are some from church bulletins or newsletters - if you never attended a church some won't make any sense:

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson's sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Don't let worry kill you off – let the church help.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 03, 2014, 02:59:05 AM
  :D This is so funny! Even my ten year old son was laughing as he read them. He particularly liked this one: Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Where do you guys get this stuff?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 03, 2014, 07:34:36 AM
They're all good, but this one particularly made me laugh.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 03, 2014, 09:36:42 AM
Those are particularly good.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 03, 2014, 09:09:55 PM
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/1888578_530416593734469_1238531902_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on April 03, 2014, 09:25:54 PM
^ I laughed entirely too hard at that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 04, 2014, 12:31:26 AM
A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancee has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 04, 2014, 09:57:11 AM
^  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 04, 2014, 03:38:03 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10154357_273733122801631_1235079435_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 05, 2014, 09:28:29 AM
Well, PC, you said it. :D

NEW SOUTH AFRICAN TOILET DOOR LOCK:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fs-a-lock_zps967143ec.jpg&hash=2c5320d66089ba04dabce5f75753b645cc04f0d4) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/s-a-lock_zps967143ec.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 05, 2014, 07:04:29 PM
Oh, I did say it.  I will rant about it too, if need be.  I've fallen victim to a particularly nasty run of skinny-shaming lately (to a point where I called a friend's father an asshole) and I'm just feeling snappish about the whole issue.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 05, 2014, 09:55:52 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on April 05, 2014, 07:04:29 PM
Oh, I did say it.  I will rant about it too, if need be.  I've fallen victim to a particularly nasty run of skinny-shaming lately (to a point where I called a friend's father an asshole) and I'm just feeling snappish about the whole issue.
Skinny-shaming!  >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on April 05, 2014, 10:38:16 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 05, 2014, 09:55:52 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on April 05, 2014, 07:04:29 PM
Oh, I did say it.  I will rant about it too, if need be.  I've fallen victim to a particularly nasty run of skinny-shaming lately (to a point where I called a friend's father an asshole) and I'm just feeling snappish about the whole issue.
Skinny-shaming!  >:( >:( >:(

Such as:
You are so skinny, your mom enjoyed giving birth.   :P

You look to be a healthy weight to me. Obesity is running walking rampant around here. Our local walmart recently had to widen it's aisles.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 05, 2014, 11:36:38 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on April 05, 2014, 07:04:29 PM
Oh, I did say it.  I will rant about it too, if need be.  I've fallen victim to a particularly nasty run of skinny-shaming lately (to a point where I called a friend's father an asshole) and I'm just feeling snappish about the whole issue.
Your friends father probably IS an asshole, so that's perfectly justified (in my experience the majority of people fit that category at some point).

Plus, I have seen pictures of you. Don't change a thing.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 05, 2014, 11:39:48 PM
I am still a few pounds underweight. But I nearly always have been, and I suspect I always will be. I have a slight build. Somehow this gives people license to imply I'm shallowly obsessed with appearances; judgmental of anyone not fitting my standards, and that I don't have any quality of life because it's all about staying skinny. I've lost count of the number of times people - strangers - have straight up walked over and asked if I'm anorexic or something, let alone the number of times I've been told to "just eat a damn cheeseburger already - you need it."

It is wrong to judge individuals for their weight either way, and while I think the growing trend toward obesity should be addressed as a societal issue, I really don't give a fuck what an individual weighs. I have never in my life walked up to a stranger and said "jeez you're fat, what do eat compulsively or something?" I have no idea why it's a-ok to do it to me.

I am similarly done with memes regarding "curvy" women. I have curves too, and I am not a fucking bag of bones. Having a preference is cool. Putting down everyone who doesn't fit your preference is not.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 05, 2014, 11:41:47 PM
And thanks for support everyone. I know it's no picnic on the other side either. I just get sick of being put down for something I can't change even if I did want to.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on April 06, 2014, 02:09:31 AM
Quote from: OldGit on April 03, 2014, 09:09:55 PM
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/1888578_530416593734469_1238531902_n.jpg)

Is that where that stuff in the corner of your eyes comes from?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on April 06, 2014, 02:28:32 AM
Quote from: Kody on April 05, 2014, 10:38:16 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 05, 2014, 09:55:52 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on April 05, 2014, 07:04:29 PM
Oh, I did say it.  I will rant about it too, if need be.  I've fallen victim to a particularly nasty run of skinny-shaming lately (to a point where I called a friend's father an asshole) and I'm just feeling snappish about the whole issue.
Skinny-shaming!  >:( >:( >:(

Such as:
You are so skinny, your mom enjoyed giving birth.   :P

You look to be a healthy weight to me. Obesity is running walking mobility scootering rampantly around here. Our local walmart recently had to widen it's aisles.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 06, 2014, 02:46:42 AM
Chill PC, you need to know that some guys, many guys in fact, think slender women to be the best looking, fittest, and of course sexiest. Then there are the legions of women who would kill just to be slender. That is what makes all those fat docs wealthy.  

There are some little signs, found near bathroom scales, that say: "You can never be too rich or too thin".  
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 06, 2014, 10:09:02 PM
I know skinny is the trend - which has created something of a rock and a hard place situation. I guess it goes with people generally taking ideas too far one way or another. Yeah, it's impossible to look like an airbrushed model, but that's because of airbrushing, which often has nothing to do with thinness. Not because no one is actually thin without being fake.

I don't need the world to be attracted to me. I'm glad people have different preferences. It'd be quite boring if they didn't. I'm just tired of people being douches about it.

This issue as a whole extends to my dogs, too. I have been threatened with animal control over my lean animals. Friend of mine was just in court over it - of course her crew has the misfortune of also being old, which is apparently grounds for further accusations :(

Just tired of it. I'll survive.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on April 06, 2014, 11:30:46 PM
As far as dogs go, people are used to looking at fat, out of shape dogs. And then you have a dog like mine who just have naturally low body fat and very lean muscle. So glad I don't own a sight-hound, you'd never hear the end of it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 07, 2014, 03:06:37 AM
I'm just happy my current dogs are so fluffy, most people don't notice.  The vast majority of dogs I see are significantly overweight.  I don't think people realize that "just 5 lb" is not the same thing for a dog, as a human!  "Just 5 lb" more on my Ember is 12% of her weight! 

Oh well. Enough sidetracking.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FixU1vLM.gif&hash=37aef7a95cad0cccaaddd09008aef018048aa58d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 07, 2014, 02:59:59 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on April 06, 2014, 10:09:02 PM
I know skinny is the trend - which has created something of a rock and a hard place situation. I guess it goes with people generally taking ideas too far one way or another. Yeah, it's impossible to look like an airbrushed model, but that's because of airbrushing, which often has nothing to do with thinness. Not because no one is actually thin without being fake.

I don't need the world to be attracted to me. I'm glad people have different preferences. It'd be quite boring if they didn't. I'm just tired of people being douches about it.

This issue as a whole extends to my dogs, too. I have been threatened with animal control over my lean animals. Friend of mine was just in court over it - of course her crew has the misfortune of also being old, which is apparently grounds for further accusations :(

Just tired of it. I'll survive.

I have noticed quite a nasty trend of it over here in the UK as well. It always seems to come from a particular type of person. The one thing I keep seeing when referring to those who are not skinny, slim, athletic as "real women". It's bullshit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 08, 2014, 07:23:40 AM
(https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1.0-9/10172584_10152288929209526_6483866956882025725_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 08, 2014, 06:33:12 PM
I hate Buzzfeed, but I lol'd

Text your parents "I got 2 grams for $40" then immediately after that, "oops, wrong person. Ignore that" (http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/what-happens-if-you-text-your-parents-pretending-to-be-a-dru)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on April 09, 2014, 08:59:10 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1.0-9/10155170_665721310155986_8275067552334373809_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on April 09, 2014, 09:15:33 PM
Quote from: OldGit on April 05, 2014, 09:28:29 AM
Well, PC, you said it. :D

NEW SOUTH AFRICAN TOILET DOOR LOCK:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fs-a-lock_zps967143ec.jpg&hash=2c5320d66089ba04dabce5f75753b645cc04f0d4) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/s-a-lock_zps967143ec.jpg.html)

That is so dark and bad on so many different levels. Can't stop laughing.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 10, 2014, 02:45:06 AM
^ ^ ^
I think this applies to most posts around here.  :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 11, 2014, 10:50:27 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7UtraWW.gif&hash=9b24975e6e05a9e549d4332f920cbfd3e3825b74)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 12, 2014, 04:57:20 AM
Nervous seal?
(poor guy)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 12, 2014, 05:48:07 AM
Quote from: joeactor on April 12, 2014, 04:57:20 AM
Nervous seal?
(poor guy)

I thought it had the hiccups.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 12, 2014, 05:48:45 AM
KNOCK KNOCK!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2014, 05:51:10 AM
Who is it?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 12, 2014, 05:52:03 AM
LITTLE OLD LADY!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2014, 05:54:33 AM
Little old lady who?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 12, 2014, 05:56:56 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 12, 2014, 05:54:33 AM
Little old lady who?

Who knew you could yodel?! Nice job!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2014, 05:58:51 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi44.tinypic.com%2F105bfgo.gif&hash=2867e67ae13b270dd4b8811c853e097019de8579)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 12, 2014, 09:34:15 AM
This is how that joke began...and how it ended.
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fforgifs.com%2Fgallery%2Fd%2F195854-2%2FDrunk-skimboarding-fail.gif&hash=c7d844fb92ee262a9812ea1d9e2b21e679c56914)

;D :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on April 12, 2014, 10:46:40 AM
Elegant
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 12, 2014, 12:57:24 PM
If Shakespeare had written The Hokey Pokey

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin;
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke - banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it is all about.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 12, 2014, 01:49:39 PM
Love that ^^^
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 13, 2014, 04:43:17 AM
Quote from: OldGit on April 12, 2014, 12:57:24 PM
If Shakespeare had written The Hokey Pokey

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin;
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke - banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it is all about.


Super! Reposted elsewhere!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 13, 2014, 08:15:07 AM
Quote from: joeactor on April 13, 2014, 04:43:17 AM
Quote from: OldGit on April 12, 2014, 12:57:24 PM
If Shakespeare had written The Hokey Pokey

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin;
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke - banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it is all about.


Super! Reposted elsewhere!
Ditto  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 14, 2014, 02:50:10 AM
Smashing Git. Did you compose that jewel of translation?  I do believe that it is well within your considerable capacity to invent humorous parodies of that sort.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 14, 2014, 09:07:40 AM
Quote from: IcarusSmashing Git. Did you compose that jewel of translation?  I do believe that it is well within your considerable capacity to invent humorous parodies of that sort.

Thanks for the compliment, Icarus, but I stole it off Facebook.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 14, 2014, 11:03:41 AM
Quote from: OldGit on April 14, 2014, 09:07:40 AM
Quote from: IcarusSmashing Git. Did you compose that jewel of translation?  I do believe that it is well within your considerable capacity to invent humorous parodies of that sort.

Thanks for the compliment, Icarus, but I stole it off Facebook.  :D
And I immediately gave it back  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 15, 2014, 07:03:29 AM
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/t1.0-9/10154100_622880174469069_8744260657632339606_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 15, 2014, 10:19:32 AM
This letter was sent to the Broken Hill High School Principal's office in Broken Hill, outback Australia after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.  Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today...

Dear Broken Hill High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the St Annes Nursing Home for the Aged. 
All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own wireless; but, she would never let me listen to it.
She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her wireless fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on April 15, 2014, 07:07:40 PM
Quote from: OldGit on April 15, 2014, 10:19:32 AM


This story is a credit to all humankind.  Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today...


She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.


LOL. Your comment about the storyngiving a lift led me right down the garden path.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 15, 2014, 10:32:44 PM
Quote from: OldGit on April 15, 2014, 10:19:32 AM
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

:D  :D  :D
OldGit, life is never boring with you around.






Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 16, 2014, 12:18:22 AM
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 16, 2014, 05:34:23 AM
Read this one on Facebook:

Light travels faster than sound.
That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 16, 2014, 12:58:11 PM
This was sent in an email:


This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counseling.

There are 4 questions. Don't miss one.

1.  How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?   Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.













The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2.  How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3.  The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles.  You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Haven't you been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 17, 2014, 05:53:15 AM
Dammit Git, I do not like your statistical references about four year olds and retirees. Beside that the test is bullshit. My refrigerator is sufficiently voluminous to hold a giraffe and an elephant with room left over for  two Thompson Gazelles and several liters of choice lager.

OOPs I forgot. Brits drink their beer warm and do not keep it in the fridge.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 17, 2014, 12:56:01 PM
^ And we drink it in PINTS, not bloody litres.

----------------------------------------------------------------

From the Daily Mash:

Jesus died to give us two bank holidays

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has given thanks to Jesus, who gave his life so that we could have not just a Monday off work but a Friday too.

Jesus, God's only begotten son, died for his belief that workers deserve a four-day paid break just when the weather's beginning to pick up.

Archbishop Justin Welby said: "The heavenly miracle of Good Friday was bought with the blood of the Lamb, spilt for everyone who's got a bit of decorating to do.

"How can the atheists scoff when only eight days of leave need be booked to give sixteen days off? Marvel at the ways of the Lord."

Biblical scholars say that Jesus was a carpenter, hard at work in Nazareth, before he received a divine revelation telling him to take a few days off and maybe catch some rays at the Sea of Galilee.

Jesus's teachings spread until Easter became a holiday long enough to get 12 mates together and head into Jerusalem for a big meal with plenty of wine.

The Archbishop, reading from the Bible, said: "Now when the evening did come, He died on the cross. And behold, on the third day He rose again nice and late after his first proper lie-in in ages.

"And He said unto them, Fear ye not, for there is still no work tomorrow. Lo, does anyone fancy the pub?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 17, 2014, 03:21:28 PM
50 Cent Dubbed Over Jehovahs Witnesses Trying to Get Deaf People to Stop Masturbating (http://pixelbark.com/m/13400/50-cent-dubbed-over-a-jehovahs-witnesses-trying-to-get-deaf-people-to-stop-masturbating)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 18, 2014, 07:15:13 AM
^^ ^
  :D Oh, my Asmo! That is so funny! I couldn't stop laughing.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 18, 2014, 08:16:09 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on April 17, 2014, 03:21:28 PM
50 Cent Dubbed Over Jehovahs Witnesses Trying to Get Deaf People to Stop Masturbating (http://pixelbark.com/m/13400/50-cent-dubbed-over-a-jehovahs-witnesses-trying-to-get-deaf-people-to-stop-masturbating)
Brilliant. What amazes me about that sort of thing is the creativity of the mind of the person who sees the video and hears the tune and sees the connection.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 18, 2014, 08:18:49 AM
Quote from: Tank on April 18, 2014, 08:16:09 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on April 17, 2014, 03:21:28 PM
50 Cent Dubbed Over Jehovahs Witnesses Trying to Get Deaf People to Stop Masturbating (http://pixelbark.com/m/13400/50-cent-dubbed-over-a-jehovahs-witnesses-trying-to-get-deaf-people-to-stop-masturbating)
Brilliant. What amazes me about that sort of thing is the creativity of the mind of the person who sees the video and hears the tune and sees the connection.
I know what you mean, it was wonderfully synchronized.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 18, 2014, 09:30:29 AM
That's brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 21, 2014, 09:27:46 PM
Some stats about Britons. (http://budhorse4.tumblr.com/post/83439347978/wlovepierce-if-you-arent-following)  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 22, 2014, 11:05:15 AM
Excellent, Buddy!  And they're all true, too. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 22, 2014, 11:20:20 AM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on April 21, 2014, 09:27:46 PM
Some stats about Britons. (http://budhorse4.tumblr.com/post/83439347978/wlovepierce-if-you-arent-following)  ;D

Those of us with slightly curly hair use it to charm police officers when our cheekbones assault people.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 24, 2014, 03:32:55 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.viralnova.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F04%2Fstatement.jpg&hash=46fb8044ff6a9ddf2e4998d673f70f85c4980f40)

Hilarious, but unfortunately real, and under investigation (http://www.viralnova.com/police-dog-statement/)

Also, my dogs definitely think with better grammar.  Maybe police dogs are thugs.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 26, 2014, 05:38:59 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1.0-9/10152662_624631914278260_8136402882226239435_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on April 26, 2014, 05:58:53 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on April 24, 2014, 03:32:55 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.viralnova.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F04%2Fstatement.jpg&hash=46fb8044ff6a9ddf2e4998d673f70f85c4980f40)

Hilarious, but unfortunately real, and under investigation (http://www.viralnova.com/police-dog-statement/)

Also, my dogs definitely think with better grammar.  Maybe police dogs are thugs.

:D

I remember a barrister friend sending me that, it's legit too. Apparently admin demanded a statement from Officer Peach, so his handler 'assisted'.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 26, 2014, 05:21:16 PM
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/577636_505602576176423_1943180978_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 26, 2014, 05:21:55 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cardinalfang.net%2Fstorage%2Fparanormal_distribution.png&hash=879dc86af4e66091459a1e8e5bd740ede8e83f7b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 26, 2014, 06:55:09 PM
^  ;D   Git did you draw that one? Classic stuff earns a silver star.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 26, 2014, 08:30:20 PM
Sorry, Icarus, I am totally useless at drawing.  I'm a dab hand at cut'n'paste, though. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 30, 2014, 08:25:56 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/1969417_810053962348950_1782678111424494773_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 30, 2014, 09:55:36 PM
So the reason for no playground duty is..?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 30, 2014, 10:01:07 PM
Because of this:
(https://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/scenario/collision-r.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 30, 2014, 11:08:15 PM
I didn't get that one^^?

Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs.
One turns to the other and says: "He started by fetching a stick, and just built up the business from there.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 30, 2014, 11:20:31 PM
OldGit, may I explain your joke?

Quote from: OldGit on April 30, 2014, 08:25:56 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/1969417_810053962348950_1782678111424494773_n.jpg)(https://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/scenario/collision-r.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 01, 2014, 01:37:03 AM
Magdelena I meant there is no image in your posting. (I get the joke, even if the other doesn't)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 01, 2014, 09:40:36 AM
It's just a load of old balls.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 01, 2014, 11:00:13 AM
And you can not play newton's cradle on a flexible arm swingset why..? It doesn't add much to the minor chance of injury already there in the swingset's intended use, at least as long as the stand-ins for balls are kids, decreases the possibility of accidental inappropriate touching (Speaking of ass-grabbing that may occur with vigorous swinging) and possibly serves to teach the little assholes why in a proper newton's cradle, there is supposed to be no air between the weights when the system is idle.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 01, 2014, 11:23:24 AM
OK, OK, but it keeps the little buggers out of mischief.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 01, 2014, 11:39:10 AM
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1.0-9/10150793_811065312247815_4964937314607976862_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 01, 2014, 06:34:31 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/10157304_613344205419544_398465928866744420_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 05, 2014, 08:32:26 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bm3ccwOIIAABgzc.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 07, 2014, 08:08:58 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bm-CnPEIUAAmeUI.jpg:large)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 07, 2014, 10:15:54 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.tinypic.com%2F96ap89.gif&hash=24cc94dd1fde060bcb385af0ef0f17d29f907e25)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on May 08, 2014, 07:30:49 PM
ROFL Where do you get them all from?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 08, 2014, 07:35:28 PM
 

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10330459_321710951310107_5077733418399892687_n.jpg)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 08, 2014, 07:42:56 PM
Then people also send you stuff like this in emails:

An 84-year-old man goes for a physical.  All of  his tests come back normal so the doctor says,  "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows  I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up  in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs.  White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, he's pissing in the fridge again!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on May 08, 2014, 07:53:03 PM
LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 08, 2014, 08:01:51 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on May 08, 2014, 07:30:49 PM
ROFL Where do you get them all from?

I subscribe to a lot of different news feeds, a few of which deal with this type of silliness. When I see one I like I try to save it.
Quote from: OldGit on May 08, 2014, 07:42:56 PM
Then people also send you stuff like this in emails:

An 84-year-old man goes for a physical.  All of  his tests come back normal so the doctor says,  "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows  I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up  in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs.  White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, he's pissing in the fridge again!"

I heard one similar to this, were after Harry's physical come back negative the doctor say's tells him everything looks good and does Harry have any concerns and Harry say's, "Well, one time I'll have sex and afterwards I'll get so cold I can barely take it, and than the next time I have sex I get so dern hot I can hardly breathe"!
The doc checks him over once again and since everything seems fine calls Harry's wife and explains Harry's concerns to her, and she exclaims, "That foolish Oldgit, he feels that way after sex because we only do it twice every year nowadays. Oncet in the winter and oncet in the summer"!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 09, 2014, 11:23:57 AM
Quote from: BrunoThat foolish Oldgit ....

Now, now ...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 09, 2014, 11:35:27 AM
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 09, 2014, 11:55:22 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BnL_3uOIcAA3ofS.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on May 10, 2014, 08:05:31 AM
rofl as usual!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 10, 2014, 05:05:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tickld.com%2Fcdn_image_article%2Fa_451_20140505212411.jpg&hash=1e53d588cf822afcc293e0eaf363ad6e8b7384b9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 10, 2014, 05:16:41 PM
If I had a band to play with I might take that gig. Food, drink and bridesmaids to chase? Could be fun. 8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 10, 2014, 09:39:43 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10334448_10203624915091576_5176488941076589276_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 11, 2014, 02:21:58 AM
^ ^ ^
Cute.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 11, 2014, 10:02:18 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10345805_819741021380244_281065345465218602_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 11, 2014, 05:26:16 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/t1.0-9/10255351_247476055457425_3319057163189564606_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 13, 2014, 05:47:14 PM
It might take a couple of seconds to work this one out!

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1.0-9/10297893_10154152249400230_6254745522416480820_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on May 13, 2014, 06:54:07 PM
ROFL    ROFL    ROFL!!! x
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 14, 2014, 01:25:31 AM
The slippered-looking foot, yes?  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 14, 2014, 03:55:57 AM
So little Johnny was getting under his mother skin, running around the house, making noises, yelling and screaming until his mother couldn't take it any more, and she yelled at him to go outside and play.
Johnny: There's nothing to do outside.
Mom: Why don't you go across the street and watch the men who are building the new house, I'm sure that will be fun.
Johnny: Fine

So Johnny sulks his way outside, but to the surprise of his mom he ends up staying across the street the entire afternoon. A bit worried that he may be getting into trouble she peeks out the window, but again to her surprise she sees her boy not only talking with the construction workers, but even helping out a little.

Later when little Johnny comes home she greets him at the door, and can tell from the expression on his face that he really enjoyed himself with the construction workers.

Mom: Wow, you must have had a lot of fun over there you spent the entire afternoon with them.

Johhny: Oh mom it was great and thanks so much for suggesting I go over there and hang out, I had the best time ever. When I grow up I want to be a construction worker just like them.

Mom: That's nice honey, did you learn anything?

Johnny: You bet Mom!  Like you go to hang the fucking door, but the son of bitch doesn't fit so you have to take it down, and you plane a bit off the fucking button, but it still won't fit so you take it down again, plane just a cunt hair off from it ,and finally the mother-fucking door fits!

Mom: OMG Johnny, what horrible language. You go upstairs and just wait until your father gets home, boy are you going to get it.

So poor Johnny sulks his way upstairs, and waits until his father gets home. When the dad arrives Johnny can hear his mother yelling and screaming about the language he used and he waits while his father slowly makes his way up the stairs and into Johnny's room.

Dad: Well son, do you mind explaining to me what happened and why your mother is so upset with you?

Johhny: Sure Dad, it's not that big of a deal you see you go to hang the fucking door, but the son of bitch doesn't fit so you have to take it down and you plane a bit off the fucking bottom, but it still won't fit so you take it down again,  plane just a cunt hair off from it, and finally the mother-fucking door fits!

Dad: I can't believe what I'm hearing from you Johnny, you know that type of language is not allowed in this house. You go outside right now and get a switch and bring it inside so I can tan your backside with it.

Johnny: Fuck you! I'm not getting the switch that's the fucking electricians job!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 14, 2014, 09:40:08 AM
^ LOL
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 15, 2014, 02:52:24 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1.0-9/10306732_10152885263518289_1408670783968549353_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 15, 2014, 03:11:28 PM
^^^ I love that ;D

So Jimmy is walking slowly down the street, and his face long and full of despair when he passes by the local preacher, who stops Jimmy and says:

Preacher: Hey Jimmy why the long face?
Jimmy:  Hello Father, well I'm not doing well. You see I just bought a brand new bicycle and it was stolen, and I don't have the money right now to get a new one and it's the only way I have to get to work, so if I don't get my bike back I'll probably lose my job.

Preacher: Here's what I want you to do Jimmy, you believe in Jesus Christ don't you?
Jimmy: Why yes of course Father I believe in Jesus.
Preacher: You accept him as your savior don't you?
Jimmy: Yes Father I accept Jesus as my lord and savior.
Preacher: So I want you to get down on your knees for Jesus can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees for Jesus.
Preacher:  I want you to pray to Jesus, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and pray to Jesus.
Preacher: And I want you to ask Jesus to forgive your wicked ways, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and say a prayer to Jesus and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness.
Preacher: And then I want you to recite the 10 commandments, you do know the 10 commandments don't you Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father, I know the 10 commandments, and I'll get down on my knees and pray to Jesus, and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness, and than recite the 10 commandments.
Preacher: When you get to that part of the 10 commandments where it say's, "And thou shall not steal" do you know what is going to happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: No Father I don't.
Preacher: The person who stole your bicycle is going to feel so guilty and ashamed for stealing your brand new bicycle they are going to return it to you. So what are you going to do Jimmy?
Jimmy: I'm going to get down on my knees, and pray to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I ask him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I'm going to recite the 10 commandments and when I gets to the part about, "Thou shall not Steal," the thief is going to feel so guilty and ashamed he is going to return my bike to me.
Preacher: Now you go on home and do this Jimmy, and a miracle will happen!
Jimmy: Yes Father I will, thank you.

A couple days go by and the Preacher is out walking and he sees Jimmy on his way home from work riding his new bike, and says:

Preacher: Jimmy, praise the Lord I see your bike was returned!
Jimmy: Yes Father it sure was, it was a miracle just like you said.

Preacher: So how did it happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: I did just like you told me Father. I got down on my knees, and prayed to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I asked him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I recited the 10 commandments just like you told me, and when I got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery," I remembered where I'd left my bicycle!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 15, 2014, 11:15:19 PM
^ LOL
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 19, 2014, 04:25:03 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10345926_952313511464769_3134323532502975659_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 21, 2014, 05:38:25 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages6.fanpop.com%2Fimage%2Fphotos%2F33800000%2FInternational-Disturbed-People-s-Day-snapes-family-and-friends-33872240-500-452.jpg&hash=cf0c9c105b23fcae0c4360f5da5df883552d92c0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 21, 2014, 05:39:51 PM
^^^Beat me to it  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 23, 2014, 11:31:06 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/t1.0-9/10360686_836087949745551_7923553601583597970_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 24, 2014, 01:37:59 AM
Mm... Steak...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 24, 2014, 01:08:21 PM
Sorry!























I just couldn't resist this one!




































(https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/t1.0-9/10378994_681471888556635_534282009271615052_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 28, 2014, 12:57:31 PM
One for OG:

(https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1.0-9/10305411_10152195371839482_6242320173720401323_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 28, 2014, 04:12:58 PM
Thanks, PC.  It all applies. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on May 28, 2014, 04:38:04 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FC4cwrgR.jpg&hash=c104812ffd8600b6c143921eb12ef13f7b3c7045)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 28, 2014, 06:55:34 PM
^ ^^
That's funny, clever, and accurate.  :D
He's a good actor, he adds "extra creepy" to whatever is creepy.  :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 28, 2014, 07:12:28 PM
Who wants to hear a good joke?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 28, 2014, 08:27:35 PM
Quote from: Bruno on May 28, 2014, 07:12:28 PM
Who wants to hear a good joke?
Hit me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 28, 2014, 08:30:24 PM
Sex ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on May 29, 2014, 01:58:42 PM
Quote from: Grawlix (Davin) on May 28, 2014, 04:38:04 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FC4cwrgR.jpg&hash=c104812ffd8600b6c143921eb12ef13f7b3c7045)

that made me laugh-and I was on the phone with a client!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on May 29, 2014, 04:48:05 PM
I can't read the last one without doing a bad Walken impersonation in my head.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 29, 2014, 06:02:15 PM
Quote from: Grawlix (Davin) on May 29, 2014, 04:48:05 PM
I can't read the last one without doing a bad Walken impersonation in my head.

Is this what you're talking about?

that made me laugh-and I was on the phone with a client!

"that, made me laugh, and I was on the phone, with a client!"

;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on May 29, 2014, 06:03:14 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on May 29, 2014, 06:02:15 PM
Quote from: Grawlix (Davin) on May 29, 2014, 04:48:05 PM
I can't read the last one without doing a bad Walken impersonation in my head.

Is this what you're talking about?

that made me laugh-and I was on the phone with a client!

"that, made me laugh, and I was on the phone, with a client!"

;D
Damn.  ;D Now it is.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 29, 2014, 06:05:51 PM
Quote from: Grawlix (Davin) on May 29, 2014, 04:48:05 PM
I can't read the last one without doing a bad Walken impersonation in my head.
Same here  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 29, 2014, 06:12:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 30, 2014, 02:35:49 PM
That was great. I'm going to try to use Walken commas here at work with my office correspondence, and see if anyone notices.

This bit by Robin Williams about Christopher Walken doing porn is funny (Although his imitation of Walken is lacking somewhat, but the bit is still good)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEPokvntdIM

Watch the entire clip to the end as Robin does a great joke at the end as Walter Cronkite.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 30, 2014, 07:38:07 PM
^ ^ ^
That, is, funny!!!
:D     :D       :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 31, 2014, 02:20:53 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Flh3.googleusercontent.com%2F-j23BqTscIdA%2FUAgAH_gnoHI%2FAAAAAAAAHOI%2FGJ_ocZxWX4I%2Fs0%2FWildebeest.gif&hash=8c7fe6f55bf3d1953345ad39b26f57ce2abef1a3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 31, 2014, 08:48:23 AM
^^^ Love that one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 03, 2014, 02:03:00 AM
Jesus walks into a bar with the twelve apostles and tells the bartender with a smirk, "Thirteen waters please".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 03, 2014, 07:56:24 AM
I love your jokes Bruno.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 03, 2014, 07:10:23 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 03, 2014, 02:03:00 AM
Jesus walks into a bar with the twelve apostles and tells the bartender with a smirk, "Thirteen waters please".
It took a minute or two, then ROFL
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 06, 2014, 04:13:27 PM
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 07, 2014, 11:45:18 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/t1.0-9/10176271_968236416539145_5717484765860935803_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 07, 2014, 11:50:09 PM
^^  ;D

Then there is the one about the procrastinators club who postponed their monthly meeting
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on June 08, 2014, 01:01:12 AM
Or the Irish circumciser - he missed and got the sack.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 09, 2014, 08:42:29 AM
Quote from: Scissorlegs on June 08, 2014, 01:01:12 AM
Or the Irish circumciser - he missed and got the sack.
Ouch!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 09, 2014, 01:44:32 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 03, 2014, 02:03:00 AM
Jesus walks into a bar with the twelve apostles and tells the bartender with a smirk, "Thirteen waters please".

I don't get it.....help  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 09, 2014, 01:46:53 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 09, 2014, 01:44:32 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 03, 2014, 02:03:00 AM
Jesus walks into a bar with the twelve apostles and tells the bartender with a smirk, "Thirteen waters please".

I don't get it.....help  :-\
Jesus is a Jew.
He asks for thirteen waters.
He turns them into wine for free.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on June 10, 2014, 06:28:15 AM
Quote from: DEATH on June 09, 2014, 01:46:53 PM
Jesus is a Jew.
He asks for thirteen waters.
He turns them into wine for free.

You say that as though all Jews have that particular talent! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 10, 2014, 07:06:03 AM
Tank, Git and Icarus are traveling through a village in northern England in their Morgan sedan car. All three of them are old and hard of hearing.  Tank mumbles; "I say, is this Wembley?" Git: "No I think it is Thursday'. Icarus; "So am I, let's stop for a drink"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 10, 2014, 07:07:34 AM
Quote from: Icarus on June 10, 2014, 07:06:03 AM
Tank, Git and Icarus are traveling through a village in northern England in their Morgan sedan car. All three of them are old and hard of hearing.  Tank mumbles; "I say, is this Wembley?" Git: "No I think it is Thursday'. Icarus; "So am I, let's stop for a drink"
That is so good  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 10, 2014, 09:28:09 AM
Icarus will be hearing from my lawyers shortly.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on June 10, 2014, 01:54:44 PM
Quote from: Icarus on June 10, 2014, 07:06:03 AM
Tank, Git and Icarus are traveling through a village in northern England in their Morgan sedan car. All three of them are old and hard of hearing.  Tank mumbles; "I say, is this Wembley?" Git: "No I think it is Thursday'. Icarus; "So am I, let's stop for a drink"



nice one, Gene :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on June 10, 2014, 05:20:12 PM
Quote from: Icarus on June 10, 2014, 07:06:03 AM
Tank, Git and Icarus are traveling through a village in northern England in their Morgan sedan car. All three of them are old and hard of hearing.  Tank mumbles; "I say, is this Wembley?" Git: "No I think it is Thursday'. Icarus; "So am I, let's stop for a drink"


Ha! More, please!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 11, 2014, 10:49:17 AM
They're in a Morgan?!  Is there room for a little one - I'm old too?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 11, 2014, 01:08:34 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 11, 2014, 10:49:17 AM
They're in a Morgan?!  Is there room for a little one - I'm old too?
You can sit on my lap  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 11, 2014, 01:10:25 PM
Quote from: DEATH on June 11, 2014, 01:08:34 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 11, 2014, 10:49:17 AM
They're in a Morgan?!  Is there room for a little one - I'm old too?
You can sit on my lap  ;D
I'd dicing with D/death in more ways than one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 11, 2014, 01:13:50 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 11, 2014, 10:49:17 AM
They're in a Morgan?!  Is there room for a little one - I'm old too?

So the group stops to pick up the lovely Essie May and she climbs into the rumble seat with Death, and Icarus shouts back to the two of them, "We're stopping off for a drink", and Essie May says', "Oh thank you, yes I always have looked good in pink".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 11, 2014, 01:22:11 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 11, 2014, 01:13:50 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 11, 2014, 10:49:17 AM
They're in a Morgan?!  Is there room for a little one - I'm old too?

So the group stops to pick up the lovely Essie May and she climbs into the rumble seat with Death, and Icarus shouts back to the two of them, "We're stopping off for a drink", and Essie May says', "Oh thank you, yes I always have looked good in pink".

No, really I thought it was Old Git apologising for the stink (of one of his farts).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 11, 2014, 01:26:28 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 11, 2014, 01:22:11 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 11, 2014, 01:13:50 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 11, 2014, 10:49:17 AM
They're in a Morgan?!  Is there room for a little one - I'm old too?

So the group stops to pick up the lovely Essie May and she climbs into the rumble seat with Death, and Icarus shouts back to the two of them, "We're stopping off for a drink", and Essie May says', "Oh thank you, yes I always have looked good in pink".

No, really I thought it was Old Git apologising for the stink (of one of his farts).

Excellent! ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 11, 2014, 09:42:46 PM
Quote from: EMNo, really I thought it was Old Git apologising for the stink (of one of his farts).

You said that word! :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 11, 2014, 09:48:16 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10406476_1494081924158787_5549267372678236661_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 11, 2014, 10:13:57 PM
^^

I like that ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on June 11, 2014, 10:52:52 PM
Quote from: OldGit on June 11, 2014, 09:48:16 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10406476_1494081924158787_5549267372678236661_n.jpg)

I would put:

Yellow: My share
Aluminium: everyone else's share (removed from my slice)

;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 12, 2014, 06:13:02 AM
Irrefutable accuracy is shown by OG's pie chart. He's being pretty damned selfish about sharing though.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 12, 2014, 08:08:05 AM
Quote from: OldGit on June 11, 2014, 09:42:46 PM
Quote from: EMNo, really I thought it was Old Git apologising for the stink (of one of his farts).

You said that word! :o

The HAF therapy is working.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 12, 2014, 02:46:55 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 12, 2014, 08:08:05 AM
Quote from: OldGit on June 11, 2014, 09:42:46 PM
Quote from: EMNo, really I thought it was Old Git apologising for the stink (of one of his farts).

You said that word! :o

The HAF therapy is working.
I'm so proud of you. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 13, 2014, 05:37:43 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 12, 2014, 02:46:55 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 12, 2014, 08:08:05 AM
Quote from: OldGit on June 11, 2014, 09:42:46 PM
Quote from: EMNo, really I thought it was Old Git apologising for the stink (of one of his farts).

You said that word! :o

The HAF therapy is working.
I'm so proud of you. ;)

Me too - fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart ......
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 13, 2014, 06:08:35 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 13, 2014, 05:37:43 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 12, 2014, 02:46:55 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 12, 2014, 08:08:05 AM
Quote from: OldGit on June 11, 2014, 09:42:46 PM
Quote from: EMNo, really I thought it was Old Git apologising for the stink (of one of his farts).

You said that word! :o

The HAF therapy is working.
I'm so proud of you. ;)

Me too - fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart ......

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimageshack.us%2Fa%2Fimg822%2F8213%2Froflmfaob.jpg&hash=a0f2ff7abd600f4341c58f5a7105011ff831d489)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 14, 2014, 02:50:16 AM
Does anyone get it?

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2Fra2g3o.jpg&hash=a3b9aeccf274f0181bf6d15c3b69096c6ef73a2e)




No spoilers though, if you think you know it keep in it the vault.

I'll give a clue later if needed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on June 14, 2014, 01:07:35 PM
I think I do but I don't know why....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on June 14, 2014, 02:23:14 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 14, 2014, 02:50:16 AM
Does anyone get it?

2/625?

Seriously though, I got it. Some things you will always remember, even though it's been 20 years.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 14, 2014, 02:42:02 PM
I don't get it, despite what seems to be a massive hint from Kody.  ???

----------------------------


The England Football team visited an orphanage in Brazil today.  "It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces with no hope", said José, aged 6.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 14, 2014, 11:42:57 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 14, 2014, 02:50:16 AM
Does anyone get it?

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2Fra2g3o.jpg&hash=a3b9aeccf274f0181bf6d15c3b69096c6ef73a2e)




No spoilers though, if you think you know it keep in it the vault.

I'll give a clue later if needed.
What's to get? Those be four numbers. The end.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 15, 2014, 10:23:40 AM
Quote from: Bruno on June 14, 2014, 02:50:16 AM
Does anyone get it?

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2Fra2g3o.jpg&hash=a3b9aeccf274f0181bf6d15c3b69096c6ef73a2e)




No spoilers though, if you think you know it keep in it the vault.

I'll give a clue later if needed.

I need a clue.....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on June 15, 2014, 11:47:30 AM
Think Jamie Oliver cooking Snapper, say...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 15, 2014, 02:24:23 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on June 14, 2014, 11:42:57 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 14, 2014, 02:50:16 AM
Does anyone get it?

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2Fra2g3o.jpg&hash=a3b9aeccf274f0181bf6d15c3b69096c6ef73a2e)




No spoilers though, if you think you know it keep in it the vault.

I'll give a clue later if needed.
What's to get? Those be four numbers. The end.
Poor Asmosito :'(
Your Ma & Da never read you Dr. Seuss when you were little?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 15, 2014, 02:26:36 PM
^^^  Got it! 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 15, 2014, 02:36:27 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 15, 2014, 02:24:23 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on June 14, 2014, 11:42:57 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 14, 2014, 02:50:16 AM
Does anyone get it?

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2Fra2g3o.jpg&hash=a3b9aeccf274f0181bf6d15c3b69096c6ef73a2e)




No spoilers though, if you think you know it keep in it the vault.

I'll give a clue later if needed.
What's to get? Those be four numbers. The end.
Poor Asmosito :'(
Your Ma & Da never read you Dr. Seuss when you were little?
Dr. what? No, I have not.

Regardless, that is simply a collection of four numbers, each represented by division. There are no operators between them and on their own, they carry no manner of significance.

I dare any one to prove otherwise.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on June 15, 2014, 02:52:35 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on June 15, 2014, 02:36:27 PM
Dr. what? No, I have not.

Regardless, that is simply a collection of four numbers, each represented by division. There are no operators between them and on their own, they carry no manner of significance.

I dare any one to prove otherwise.

The Asmo has not heard of Seuss!
Some kind of madness on the loose!
The remedy is not strange or rarey -
The books are at your local library!
Look for ones with lots of fish.
Perhaps they will fulfill your wish.
Or if you're in a funny mood,
I hear that Horton Hears a Who!
Good luck! God speed! Auf wiedersehen!
(Seuss may drive you quite insane)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on June 15, 2014, 03:25:40 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 15, 2014, 02:24:23 PM

Poor Asmosito :'(
Your Ma & Da never read you Dr. Seuss when you were little?

So I was right, but I still don't know why. :(

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 15, 2014, 04:08:38 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on June 15, 2014, 03:25:40 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 15, 2014, 02:24:23 PM

Poor Asmosito :'(
Your Ma & Da never read you Dr. Seuss when you were little?

So I was right, but I still don't know why. :(



Dr. Suess titles...... 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on June 15, 2014, 04:23:30 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 15, 2014, 04:08:38 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on June 15, 2014, 03:25:40 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 15, 2014, 02:24:23 PM

Poor Asmosito :'(
Your Ma & Da never read you Dr. Seuss when you were little?

So I was right, but I still don't know why. :(



Dr. Suess titles...... 

I know what the answer is, but I don't understand how the fractions = the answer
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 15, 2014, 05:18:13 PM
I may be wrong, but wouldn't it make more sense if written

1/5         
1/5 1/5 
1/5 
1/5

Switching to 2/5 in the middle breaks continuity and implies that the fractions them selves hold significance, when they do not.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 15, 2014, 05:19:10 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on June 15, 2014, 04:23:30 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 15, 2014, 04:08:38 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on June 15, 2014, 03:25:40 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 15, 2014, 02:24:23 PM

Poor Asmosito :'(
Your Ma & Da never read you Dr. Seuss when you were little?

So I was right, but I still don't know why. :(



Dr. Suess titles...... 

I know what the answer is, but I don't understand how the fractions = the answer

Try reading allowed exactly what Bruno wrote...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 16, 2014, 12:09:34 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on June 15, 2014, 05:18:13 PM
...implies that the fractions them selves hold significance, when they do not.
Implies no such thing. Not to an engineeringly-minded Asmo anyways. Numbers are just numbers. They signify nothing unless there are implied or written units of measurement and are relatively useless unless there are operators between them.

Ten, for instance. What is ten, exactly? Force? Acceleration? Distance? Let's say it's force in kN. So..? By itself, 10kN has no meaning beyond quantifying some kind of force.

Me, I like letters in my expressions. One for every variable.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 16, 2014, 02:18:22 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.tinypic.com%2Fjphn9s.jpg&hash=468019a809535308439df5ef80f05e2f7db66a48)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on June 16, 2014, 02:22:55 AM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 15, 2014, 05:19:10 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on June 15, 2014, 04:23:30 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 15, 2014, 04:08:38 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on June 15, 2014, 03:25:40 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 15, 2014, 02:24:23 PM

Poor Asmosito :'(
Your Ma & Da never read you Dr. Seuss when you were little?

So I was right, but I still don't know why. :(



Dr. Suess titles...... 

I know what the answer is, but I don't understand how the fractions = the answer

Try reading allowed exactly what Bruno wrote...

oh geez...I was reading it as one over five, two over five, etc, thinking WHERE IS THE FISH??  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on June 16, 2014, 02:33:13 AM
Quote from: Bruno on June 16, 2014, 02:18:22 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.tinypic.com%2Fjphn9s.jpg&hash=468019a809535308439df5ef80f05e2f7db66a48)

Wow that sure brings back memories of my childhood :D

*secretly goes off to read Dr. Seuss books*

Two LSD
One LSD
Three LSD
Free LSD
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 16, 2014, 01:44:20 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on June 16, 2014, 02:22:55 AM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 15, 2014, 05:19:10 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on June 15, 2014, 04:23:30 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 15, 2014, 04:08:38 PM
Quote from: Dobermonster on June 15, 2014, 03:25:40 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 15, 2014, 02:24:23 PM

Poor Asmosito :'(
Your Ma & Da never read you Dr. Seuss when you were little?

So I was right, but I still don't know why. :(



Dr. Suess titles......  

I know what the answer is, but I don't understand how the fractions = the answer

Try reading allowed exactly what Bruno wrote...

oh geez...I was reading it as one over five, two over five, etc, thinking WHERE IS THE FISH??  :D
Yes, there is that too. Oh, and one fifth in red is a red one fifth, not a red fifth. Five is also red, remember?

There. The Asmo grumpily RUIND the wordplay!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 17, 2014, 06:18:44 AM
I had a warped notion that the fifths had something to do with the way we buy booze in the US. For you furriners, the fifth signifies a fifth of a gallon which translates to about 750ml.

one fifth rum
two fifths tequila
one fifth irish whiskey

.............adds up to three liters of fire water and a severe hangover

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 17, 2014, 06:47:42 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.tinypic.com%2F21dq6fk.jpg&hash=6008f94ebb5c1e1828b8037940c312d1082338f0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 18, 2014, 09:51:10 AM
Well, that sounds... Suspicious.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 19, 2014, 11:26:24 PM
What do Rooney, both of my grandmothers, the Pope, my neighbors dog, Che Guevara, and Winnie the Pooh all have in common?
Oh and all of the inhabitants of middle earth.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on June 20, 2014, 01:13:37 AM
Quote from: Bruno on June 19, 2014, 11:26:24 PM
What do Rooney, both of my grandmothers, the Pope, my neighbors dog, Che Guevara, and Winnie the Pooh all have in common?
Oh and all of the inhabitants of middle earth.

What?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 20, 2014, 03:01:36 AM
Quote from: Crow on June 20, 2014, 01:13:37 AM
Quote from: Bruno on June 19, 2014, 11:26:24 PM
What do Rooney, both of my grandmothers, the Pope, my neighbors dog, Che Guevara, and Winnie the Pooh all have in common?
Oh and all of the inhabitants of middle earth.

What?

Never mind I was going to say score a goal during a world cup, but he fucked the joke up :'(t
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 20, 2014, 07:12:05 AM
Quote from: Bruno on June 20, 2014, 03:01:36 AM
Quote from: Crow on June 20, 2014, 01:13:37 AM
Quote from: Bruno on June 19, 2014, 11:26:24 PM
What do Rooney, both of my grandmothers, the Pope, my neighbors dog, Che Guevara, and Winnie the Pooh all have in common?
Oh and all of the inhabitants of middle earth.

What?

Never mind I was going to say score a goal during a world cup, but he fucked the joke up :'(t
:D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 20, 2014, 09:14:53 AM
(https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/10378005_10152123815306016_1465469346644795541_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 21, 2014, 03:26:37 AM
There was a young actress from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
The Bishop was quicker,
and thicker and slicker,
And two inches longer than you.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 21, 2014, 10:11:29 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/t1.0-9/545243_490904564338321_249169662_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 21, 2014, 07:19:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 21, 2014, 10:11:29 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/t1.0-9/545243_490904564338321_249169662_n.jpg)

I like it.  :D

Where can I get one?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 21, 2014, 07:20:03 PM
The French army surplus store.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 21, 2014, 07:32:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 21, 2014, 07:20:03 PM
The French army surplus store.

It's so obvious!! (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.smileyvault.com%2Falbums%2Fbasic%2Fsmileyvault-slaphead.gif&hash=14965f3241c138aa2069671df5b8933041f55ba5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 21, 2014, 09:16:02 PM
Why didn't anyone think of that before?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 21, 2014, 09:31:40 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on June 21, 2014, 07:32:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 21, 2014, 07:20:03 PM
The French army surplus store.

It's so obvious!! (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.smileyvault.com%2Falbums%2Fbasic%2Fsmileyvault-slaphead.gif&hash=14965f3241c138aa2069671df5b8933041f55ba5)


Is it? I mean it still has the Swiss logo on it. ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 21, 2014, 09:35:46 PM
Quote from: Bruno on June 21, 2014, 09:31:40 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on June 21, 2014, 07:32:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 21, 2014, 07:20:03 PM
The French army surplus store.

It's so obvious!! (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.smileyvault.com%2Falbums%2Fbasic%2Fsmileyvault-slaphead.gif&hash=14965f3241c138aa2069671df5b8933041f55ba5)


Is it? I mean it still has the Swiss logo on it. ???

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fcommons%2Fthumb%2F4%2F4c%2FFleur_de_lys_%2528or%2529.svg%2F150px-Fleur_de_lys_%2528or%2529.svg.png&hash=b409f2f16e7074cd723783178041b3d69318f45d)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fleur-de-lis
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 21, 2014, 09:41:21 PM
↑ there are no white flags, it can't be French ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 21, 2014, 09:47:27 PM
^ LOL  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 21, 2014, 10:49:54 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 21, 2014, 09:41:21 PM
↑ there are no white flags, it can't be French ;)

Sacrebleu!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 22, 2014, 12:51:53 AM
We are prone to beat up on the French folk. For shame.
...



Not a french joke....................................Scandinavian probably.

The Minnesota Taxation Office suspected that a commercial fishing boat owner was not paying proper wages to his crew. . They sent an agent to investigate him.

MTO Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat owner: Well. there's Clarence, my deck hand, he's been with me for three years. I pay him $1000 a week plus free room and board. Then  there is the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours a day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.

MTO Auditor: "that's the guy I want to talk to- the mentally challenged one.

Boat owner: That'll be me. What'd you want to know?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 22, 2014, 03:44:35 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/t1.0-9/10156100_10152939768788452_8164308372128361223_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 23, 2014, 08:09:30 PM
The people of Pisa protested to the mayor when he decided to put a clock on top of the leaning tower.  The people thought it was out of place and asked him what he thought he was doing. He said, We've got the inclination, now we'll have the time.  Boo Boom (sorry!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 24, 2014, 10:16:30 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 23, 2014, 08:09:30 PM
The people of Pisa protested to the mayor when he decided to put a clock on top of the leaning tower.  The people thought it was out of place and asked him what he thought he was doing. He said, We've got the inclination, now we'll have the time.  Boo Boom (sorry!)

I didn't know the thing didn't have a clock on it already, sort of like your Big Ben. Interesting. Good Joke Essie ;D

Speaking of clocks reminded me of this one.

Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's George Washington's clock. The hands have moved once, telling us that the founding father only told one lie in his entire life, apparently he didn't cut down the cherry tree."

Pointing the man said, "What about that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 24, 2014, 10:22:49 PM
Very good.  :) ;D

(I think there's a bell on top of Tower of Pisa, but don't remember a clock).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 25, 2014, 01:51:10 PM
John invited his mother over for dinner to meet his new roommate Julie.
During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only make her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact she started to wonder if there was more between John and roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts, John volunteered, "I know just what you are thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About one week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I have been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle....you don't suppose your mother took it, do you?

"John said "Well I doubt it, but I'll write her a email just to be sure." The email: Dear Mother, I am not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I am not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact of the matter is that since your visit it has been missing.
Love John

Sometime later John received an email response from his mother which read: Dear Son: I am not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'don't" sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love Mom
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 25, 2014, 02:01:12 PM
 :) :) :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 25, 2014, 10:03:48 PM
That's a good un Bruno.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 26, 2014, 12:41:28 AM
Good one Bruno.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on June 26, 2014, 02:22:54 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpbs.twimg.com%2Fmedia%2FBq4-sxSCIAEpWaL.jpg&hash=b1387647d3aaaabc0ea44ede865f7eacb272d5e5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 26, 2014, 03:40:34 PM
Yes. And people going to Oslo should prepare for yet another variety of aggressive begging - charity subscription salesmen.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on June 26, 2014, 04:05:51 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on June 26, 2014, 03:40:34 PM
Yes. And people going to Oslo should prepare for yet another variety of aggressive begging - charity subscription salesmen.  >:(

Ewww chuggers. Not seen one of them in a while.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 26, 2014, 04:17:04 PM
Quote from: Crow on June 26, 2014, 02:22:54 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpbs.twimg.com%2Fmedia%2FBq4-sxSCIAEpWaL.jpg&hash=b1387647d3aaaabc0ea44ede865f7eacb272d5e5)

Ha!  Autocorrect for subtitles would be amazing. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on June 26, 2014, 04:28:10 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on June 26, 2014, 04:17:04 PM
Ha!  Autocorrect for subtitles would be amazing. 

It happens all the time on live BBC broadcasts.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.dailymail.co.uk%2Fi%2Fpix%2F2014%2F02%2F15%2Farticle-2560022-1B7CA79700000578-114_634x434.jpg&hash=ebfad1a671602979bb932bfc8f21bbac34632303)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.dailymail.co.uk%2Fi%2Fpix%2F2014%2F02%2F15%2Farticle-2560022-1B7CAE0700000578-494_634x443.jpg&hash=25e50e0afd783d27e204cd75b61f52d54b5e9d0d)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.dailymail.co.uk%2Fi%2Fpix%2F2014%2F02%2F15%2Farticle-2560022-1B7CADF300000578-756_634x389.jpg&hash=f0d260f21d8082c137abcaeafaff8c8e764e76a2)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.dailymail.co.uk%2Fi%2Fpix%2F2014%2F02%2F15%2Farticle-2560022-1B7CA78F00000578-171_634x388.jpg&hash=cdc915f9cb6b11bc93e5ce4dd2b75df96ff26ad1)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.dailymail.co.uk%2Fi%2Fpix%2F2014%2F02%2F15%2Farticle-2560022-1B6302D800000578-893_634x379.jpg&hash=1ff8ebac1c2c0de9b7415c8178d87f05c427f251)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 26, 2014, 04:48:16 PM
That's awesome.  I would watch with subtitles if I knew I was going to see stuff like that.  All we usually get are weird, garbled non-words. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on June 27, 2014, 01:39:14 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on June 26, 2014, 04:48:16 PM
That's awesome.  I would watch with subtitles if I knew I was going to see stuff like that.  All we usually get are weird, garbled non-words. 

I've found that if you read the subtitles from ESPN you sound just like Christopher Walken. No. Commas. Needed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 27, 2014, 02:27:47 PM
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on June 27, 2014, 05:59:39 PM
Quote from: Crow on June 26, 2014, 04:28:10 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on June 26, 2014, 04:17:04 PM
Ha!  Autocorrect for subtitles would be amazing. 

It happens all the time on live BBC broadcasts.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.dailymail.co.uk%2Fi%2Fpix%2F2014%2F02%2F15%2Farticle-2560022-1B7CA78F00000578-171_634x388.jpg&hash=cdc915f9cb6b11bc93e5ce4dd2b75df96ff26ad1)

I always liked that I'm Year of the Monkey, but that's only because I didn't know that Year of the Whores was an option.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 27, 2014, 10:16:45 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on June 27, 2014, 02:27:47 PM
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"

Awesome
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 27, 2014, 11:01:25 PM
Quote from: Crow on June 26, 2014, 04:05:51 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on June 26, 2014, 03:40:34 PM
Yes. And people going to Oslo should prepare for yet another variety of aggressive begging - charity subscription salesmen.  >:(

Ewww chuggers. Not seen one of them in a while.

Yes, we seem to have a local infestation type of situation going.  >:( They are like genital warts on The Asmo's tranquility.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 28, 2014, 07:39:08 AM
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/t1.0-9/10360617_738851359511237_3426279396639114980_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on June 28, 2014, 10:33:45 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on June 27, 2014, 11:01:25 PM
Quote from: Crow on June 26, 2014, 04:05:51 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on June 26, 2014, 03:40:34 PM
Yes. And people going to Oslo should prepare for yet another variety of aggressive begging - charity subscription salesmen.  >:(

Ewww chuggers. Not seen one of them in a while.

Yes, we seem to have a local infestation type of situation going.  >:( They are like genital warts on The Asmo's tranquility.  >:(

Oh come on, look at it as an opportunity for a nasty retort.
I'm sure you could do better but something like:
Feeding the hungry, that's just prolonging the problem.
Why don't you get a proper job anyway?
What's your commission?
Really that much, hmmm.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on June 28, 2014, 10:40:05 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 27, 2014, 10:16:45 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on June 27, 2014, 02:27:47 PM
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"

Awesome

I don't like this kind of humour that presumes people know stuff, it puts us dumb bums under too much pressure.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 28, 2014, 12:18:25 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 28, 2014, 07:39:08 AM
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/t1.0-9/10360617_738851359511237_3426279396639114980_n.jpg)

Clearly the cartoonist has never met my dogs!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 29, 2014, 01:43:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn29.elitedaily.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F06%2FXa5Vjjt.jpg&hash=3273c399812575b34c3f3c6e88f45b03099a0fff)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 29, 2014, 01:49:24 PM
That kid should have no problem getting out of it. His arms are not properly secured.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 29, 2014, 02:21:14 PM
I know this is the joke thread, but that's not real is it!?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 29, 2014, 02:29:47 PM
What is the purpose of restraining his head?

Seems to from a now defunct satire page.  Can't get to the .org site but this was on their FB:

(https://m.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=526412887436764&id=510461289031924&set=a.510493369028716.1073741828.510461289031924&source=46)

No one got it, which may explain the page being defunct.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on June 29, 2014, 05:31:39 PM
It's for medical procedures where kids have to stay really still, like for an MRI.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on June 29, 2014, 07:05:20 PM
What's the difference between pimples and a catholic priest?

Pimples don't come on a boys face until they are 13.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 29, 2014, 07:26:27 PM
Quote from: Crow on June 29, 2014, 07:05:20 PM
What's the difference between pimples and a catholic priest?

Pimples don't come on a boys face until they are 13.
I didn't want to laugh at this but I did anyway.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 29, 2014, 08:35:46 PM
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!" "What's the rush?" his mate asked. "The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on June 30, 2014, 09:37:16 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-0/1907334_10203948706463955_8268253102554289101_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 01, 2014, 09:17:00 AM
(https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/t1.0-9/10382463_10152939289954377_2232818939782180575_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 01, 2014, 05:30:32 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10302471_10152248868613089_7583293329152488554_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 02, 2014, 01:34:59 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-cd0.pinimg.com%2F236x%2F23%2Fcd%2F69%2F23cd691a8882a28452f486c5415e9b64.jpg&hash=2fe1b99794e6997de1a3f7243e432aeaa37f712f)



Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 02, 2014, 02:52:20 PM
I'm feeling topical:

Supreme Court Upholds Little Caeser's Right To Feed Christian Employees To Lions (http://www.atlbanana.com/supreme-court-upholds-little-caesars-right-to-feed-christian-employees-to-lions/)

Quote(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.atlbanana.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F07%2F800px-Okonjima_Lioness-458x400.jpg&hash=d18640741ee03205b169acf2394abd78bc6977f2)

WASHINGTON, DC–The Supreme Court ruled on Monday that Roman-owned
pizza chain Little Caesar's was within its rights to place Christian employees in an arena and then unleash starved, vicious lions and lionesses upon them. The court cited religious freedom as its guiding principle. The 5-to-4 ruling opened the door to potentially thousands of Christian Little Caesar employees nationwide being immediately fed to the top predators of the African savannah.

Little Caesar's argued that the persecution of Christians and the feeding of them to ravenous big cats was a "deeply held" religious belief, that the continued survival of the roughly 6,000 Christian employees, as well as the fact that they remained on company payroll, imposed a "substantial financial burden" on their religious liberty.

The 5 conservative Justices agreed. Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr, the author of the majority opinion, wrote:

    while it is debatable that some harm may come to any Christians fed to a lion or lioness, there is certainly demonstrable harm being done to these animals that are denied the tasty, nutrient-rich Christians that their diet requires

A Christian employee of the company, Ed Broyles, expressed dismay at the decision. "They're gonna fuckin' feed me to a motherfucking lion? But I only ever go to church on like Easter!", he said, shaking visibly and sweating. "Jesus H Christ on a cracker, I've got a fucking family!"

Little Caesar owner and CEO, Little Caesar himself, applauded the ruling. When asked how soon his company would begin killing off its Christian employees he responded, "Carpe Diem."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on July 02, 2014, 04:59:16 PM
Haha, then there is also this one.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fd859GZC.jpg&hash=6b93218314e16f2c8f9dccef3b245a5fe5e1d324)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 02, 2014, 07:30:56 PM
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/t1.0-9/1937459_732542940135735_4757628548239037292_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 02, 2014, 07:47:03 PM
Gah, they're everywhere! And each so amusing in its own way...

Supreme Court Rules JCPenney Allowed To Sacrifice Employees To Appease Cthulhu (http://www.moonmontchronicle.com/supreme-court-rules-jcpenney-allowed-to-sacrifice-employees-to-appease-cthulhu.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 02, 2014, 07:57:40 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on July 02, 2014, 07:47:03 PM
Gah, they're everywhere! And each so amusing in its own way...

Supreme Court Rules JCPenney Allowed To Sacrifice Employees To Appease Cthulhu (http://www.moonmontchronicle.com/supreme-court-rules-jcpenney-allowed-to-sacrifice-employees-to-appease-cthulhu.html)

Love it! Shared!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 02, 2014, 08:09:39 PM
...I'm also following Literal Bible Man now.  Because Cage Fighting Jesus simply does not update enough to meet my needs.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on July 02, 2014, 11:13:31 PM
This isn't a joke, it actually happened today at work. Does anybody remember the fried chicken and watermelon salad I said would get me called a racist? Well, it wasn't me, but somebody else was trying to sell it to a black couple today (bizarre targets) and, without missing a beat, the guy looked at the waitress and asked if it came with a grape soda vinegarette!

I love on the spot humour like that. It really brightens up what would be a boring day. If I had been drinking something it would've shot right out of my nose. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 03, 2014, 02:48:36 PM
^Nice.

(https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/t1.0-9/10403451_10152522326808982_7496637664508037969_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 04, 2014, 01:57:03 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on July 03, 2014, 02:48:36 PM
^Nice.

(https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/t1.0-9/10403451_10152522326808982_7496637664508037969_n.jpg)

Good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on July 04, 2014, 09:39:08 AM
I love play on words jokes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on July 04, 2014, 05:14:11 PM
Well I guess I'm the stupid one. :-/ I don't get the joke. I did have to look up what ennui means... But nothing. Guess this one went right over my head.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on July 04, 2014, 05:54:37 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on July 04, 2014, 05:14:11 PM
Well I guess I'm the stupid one. :-/ I don't get the joke. I did have to look up what ennui means... But nothing. Guess this one went right over my head.
Oh my Asmo!
IHYM, I did the same thing, but I didn't want to say anything. I still don't get it.  :-[
Can I sit next to you right now?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on July 04, 2014, 07:20:52 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on July 04, 2014, 05:54:37 PM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on July 04, 2014, 05:14:11 PM
Well I guess I'm the stupid one. :-/ I don't get the joke. I did have to look up what ennui means... But nothing. Guess this one went right over my head.
Oh my Asmo!
IHYM, I did the same thing, but I didn't want to say anything. I still don't get it.  :-[
Can I sit next to you right now?

Yes, you may sit next to me and we'll both hang our heads in shame.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on July 06, 2014, 05:28:23 AM
Quote from: Ihateyoumike on July 04, 2014, 05:14:11 PM
Well I guess I'm the stupid one. :-/ I don't get the joke. I did have to look up what ennui means... But nothing. Guess this one went right over my head.

I had to look it up too. I think the key is the pronunciation, but I'm not 100%.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 06, 2014, 03:59:19 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10344787_1444478332485458_6497605193694196374_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 06, 2014, 04:14:07 PM
^^^ LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 06, 2014, 04:17:37 PM
It's called Nitro Coffee (http://m.instructables.com/id/nitro-coffee/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 06, 2014, 09:05:15 PM
Quote from: Tank on July 06, 2014, 04:14:07 PM
^^^ LOL!
Nah... Not that effective.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 07, 2014, 06:47:00 PM
I don't know about the rest of the guys here, but I hate when this happens.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi59.tinypic.com%2F33ok0b5.gif&hash=5653545f5bc26f23f5994592875095cc293b10a1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on July 07, 2014, 07:03:12 PM
Quote from: Bruno on July 07, 2014, 06:47:00 PM
I don't know about the rest of the guys here, but I hate when this happens.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi59.tinypic.com%2F33ok0b5.gif&hash=5653545f5bc26f23f5994592875095cc293b10a1)
What? She's just being friendly.

Eta: and now I'm off to go look up ennui.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on July 07, 2014, 07:16:20 PM
He should feel complimented that she finds him so attractive.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 08, 2014, 01:45:39 AM
Quote from: Bruno on July 07, 2014, 06:47:00 PM
I don't know about the rest of the guys here, but I hate when this happens.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi59.tinypic.com%2F33ok0b5.gif&hash=5653545f5bc26f23f5994592875095cc293b10a1)
Same. I don't like being hit on.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 08, 2014, 07:02:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsheikyermami.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2007%2F03%2Fair-infidel.jpg&hash=bd5e253e7adaa027ab9c1ef2928af570cc2099bd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 08, 2014, 08:39:32 PM
The moment it all becomes crystal clear.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi59.tinypic.com%2F14l1r4p.jpg&hash=d085082d0661286167f7faf65e377e43a6088aef)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on July 09, 2014, 01:23:40 PM
^ :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 10, 2014, 02:07:34 PM
I'm a huge fan of Gary Larson so I love all of his Far Side strips, but for some reason this one really gets to me. ;D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2Fmry344.jpg&hash=e8ea4f3f732d0b448879d19bdecc81746d78da31)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 10, 2014, 04:25:21 PM
(https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/t1.0-9/10402952_10203017469050417_2136005735443120445_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 11, 2014, 05:42:08 AM
Q: Have you found Jesus?

A: I did not know he was lost, is there a cash reward for his return?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 11, 2014, 06:53:16 AM
This could go in the Video thread but it is full of jokes. LMAO.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIBx1eMhzHQ.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 12, 2014, 07:55:41 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BsWonWKCQAAMqMY.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on July 12, 2014, 09:34:00 PM
^ ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 12, 2014, 10:06:55 PM
It's football......
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 12, 2014, 10:17:44 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on July 12, 2014, 09:34:00 PM
^ ???
http://www.mirror.co.uk/all-about/luis%20suarez%20bite
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 13, 2014, 08:05:35 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BscjmArIAAAI3wf.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 14, 2014, 01:19:43 AM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 12, 2014, 10:06:55 PM
It's football......
Soccer.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on July 14, 2014, 01:33:43 AM
Quote from: Bruno on July 14, 2014, 01:19:43 AM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 12, 2014, 10:06:55 PM
It's football......
Soccer.

I bet if we call it Association Football for long enough they'll be begging us to call it soccer.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 14, 2014, 02:48:05 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi59.tinypic.com%2F2u5ywkm.jpg&hash=8992f106ddf45bf6579c5d18abde4ac8dec1a301)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 15, 2014, 02:03:19 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fblogs%2Fexploringourmatrix%2Ffiles%2F2014%2F02%2FDoesnt-Matter.jpg&hash=96592ae1f869b5c52155b2553997df6214f18083)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 15, 2014, 04:42:30 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BslsFnzCMAEsVQ2.jpg:large)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 16, 2014, 07:48:44 AM
Everybody that has ever coded will know this one.


















































(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/t1.0-9/10007504_10152081112451840_382603524_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on July 16, 2014, 11:43:42 AM
Hahaha I like that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 16, 2014, 01:01:41 PM
I don't get it......
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 16, 2014, 01:36:03 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 16, 2014, 01:01:41 PM
I don't get it......
You've never programmed have you  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 16, 2014, 02:38:29 PM
Quote from: Tank on July 16, 2014, 01:36:03 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 16, 2014, 01:01:41 PM
I don't get it......
You've never programmed have you  :D

A mentor of mine told me about an error message he got from an old AI language:
"Wee beasties! Wee beasties! Oh, where can ye be? These beasties have caused an error for thee!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on July 16, 2014, 04:23:16 PM
Doesn't happen to me much any more, but it happened a lot in my newb and junior developer years.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on July 16, 2014, 05:26:16 PM
Quote from: Davin on July 16, 2014, 04:23:16 PM
Doesn't happen to me much any more, but it happened a lot in my newb and junior developer years.

When it does though I bet they are a bastard.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on July 16, 2014, 05:47:33 PM
If it happens now, it's usually a sign that someone checked in some bad code or I have to get the latest from our source control. So it's usually pretty easy to fix. When it's my fault, it's usually some stupid, simple mistake I made to a control or a view model. I like to clean up code so that it's easier to maintain. If I fix one bug that causes a bunch more, in my experience, that's a sign of bad and/or inexperienced programming... though not necessarily the bad programming of the person fixing the bug but there has got to be some bad programming in there that needs to be fixed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on July 16, 2014, 06:39:07 PM
Quote from: Davin on July 16, 2014, 05:47:33 PM
If it happens now, it's usually a sign that someone checked in some bad code or I have to get the latest from our source control. So it's usually pretty easy to fix. When it's my fault, it's usually some stupid, simple mistake I made to a control or a view model. I like to clean up code so that it's easier to maintain. If I fix one bug that causes a bunch more, in my experience, that's a sign of bad and/or inexperienced programming... though not necessarily the bad programming of the person fixing the bug but there has got to be some bad programming in there that needs to be fixed.

Isn't that always the case though. I'm no programmer, my knowledge ends at HTML5, CSS3, Javascript, PHP and a tiny bit of C and Objective C (the later two I don't have enough time or an idea to drive me to learn it properly). I usually find sorting one thing that is cross devices related will then throw up a new problem that effects all those that were fine before, usually very easy to fix but by changing one thing this will impact others.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on July 16, 2014, 07:52:39 PM
Yeah and sometimes (more often than it should), the devices are not built to their white doc specs, which are the more annoying bugs: the ones that aren't my fault but I have to program a work around for.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 17, 2014, 01:53:09 AM
Quote from: Tank on July 16, 2014, 07:48:44 AM

(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/t1.0-9/10007504_10152081112451840_382603524_n.jpg)
The Asmo disapproves of the cat.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on July 17, 2014, 08:55:33 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/s526x296/10492005_10152346382458492_7026583831286339331_n.jpg?oh=630fee95ba8eac351a5febb2766960ce&oe=5451524D&__gda__=1413520050_7e8be96d2dc4a0684c1ffff14e7e31cc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 23, 2014, 01:33:40 PM
"^^"  ;D

Here's a couple I heard recently.

A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face plastered with lipstick, and a half empty bottle of vodka was sticking out from his coat pocket. He opened a newspaper and started reading, and after a few minutes turned to the priest and asked, " Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man,sleeping with prostitutes and lack of bathing"

"You don't say, well, I'll be damned", said the drunk, returning to his paper.

Some moments later the priest having thought about what he said turned to the drunken man and said, " I'm very sorry sir, but I didn't mean to come on so strong and should have been more considerate regarding your question." How long have you had arthritis?"

"Oh I don't have arthritis Father, I was just reading my paper here and it says the Pope has it."


A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in dire straits due to some unforeseen building repairs and desperately needed some extra money, so he asked them if they would consider being a bit more generous with their donations than normal. He also offered that whomever donated the most that day would be allowed to pick three hymns.
Later during the service after the offering plates were passed around the church, the pastor noticed an envelope with a large number of $100 dollar bills in it, and when he counted it out it came to $1,000!
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with the rest of the congregation, and said he would like to personally thank the person who placed such a large sum of money in the offering plate.
In the back of the church a very quite, demure and elderly lady slowly, and shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come forward, so she got up and slowly made her way up to the altar. The pastor thanked her and told her how wonderful it was that she felt touched to give such a generous donation that day, a sum of which would really help with the necessary repairs.
He also said her large donation meant she could pick out three hymns, and then her eyes brightened, a large smile crossed her face as she looked out over the congregation and pointed out three of the most handsome men in the church that day and said, "I'll take him, and him, and him".

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 23, 2014, 07:20:38 PM
Grandma tells a dirty joke:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7YvYVJsMeg
(warning: language?)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 24, 2014, 11:24:53 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10245521_10202916451004679_6281351165613085869_n.jpg?oh=59284ec163cfbfb9024e7afdedf35f80&oe=5452F96C&__gda__=1414950457_3404d966e68ac5f98f656d3ffab6b83f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on July 24, 2014, 11:27:02 PM
^ hahaha that is brilliant.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 25, 2014, 01:25:11 AM
Grandma's joke is hilarious. I like the old broad.

Kermit's double entente is cute too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on July 26, 2014, 03:53:35 AM
Probably a repeat, but I heard it at work tonight and had a good laugh:

One day Little Jimmy walks onto the porch and sees his father smoking a cigar. Jimmy asks if he can take a drag to see what smoking a cigar is like. His father replies, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Jimmy shakes his head and his father replies, "Then you can't take a drag of this cigar."

A few days later Jimmy walks onto the porch and sees his father drinking a beer. Jimmy asks if he can try a sip and find out what beer tastes like. His father replies, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Jimmy shakes his head and his father replies, "Then you can't have a sip of this beer."

A few days later Jimmy's father walks onto the porch and sees his son with a plate of Grandma's Super Deluxe Snickerdoodles. It's a secret family recipe. Jimmy's father asks if he can have one, because he loves Grandma's Super Deluxe Snickerdoodles. Jimmy asks, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Jimmy's father nods his head and Jimmy replies, "Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these cookies for me."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on July 27, 2014, 01:26:43 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on July 26, 2014, 03:53:35 AM
Probably a repeat, but I heard it at work tonight and had a good laugh:

One day Little Jimmy walks onto the porch and sees his father smoking a cigar. Jimmy asks if he can take a drag to see what smoking a cigar is like. His father replies, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Jimmy shakes his head and his father replies, "Then you can't take a drag of this cigar."

A few days later Jimmy walks onto the porch and sees his father drinking a beer. Jimmy asks if he can try a sip and find out what beer tastes like. His father replies, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Jimmy shakes his head and his father replies, "Then you can't have a sip of this beer."

A few days later Jimmy's father walks onto the porch and sees his son with a plate of Grandma's Super Deluxe Snickerdoodles. It's a secret family recipe. Jimmy's father asks if he can have one, because he loves Grandma's Super Deluxe Snickerdoodles. Jimmy asks, "Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"

Jimmy's father nods his head and Jimmy replies, "Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these cookies for me."

4 posts above yours.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on July 27, 2014, 02:36:42 AM
Dammit, dammit, dammit! Sorry Joe...... :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 27, 2014, 09:17:48 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BlSiQa3CUAAnJ_C.jpg:large)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 27, 2014, 02:39:00 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on July 27, 2014, 02:36:42 AM
Dammit, dammit, dammit! Sorry Joe...... :(

gotta watch me... I'm fast! (sometimes ;-)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 28, 2014, 06:56:14 AM
I just love that one CLT. It could actually be a mnemonic device for students who can not remember. Now all you have to do is invent some more clever picture thingys for other trig identities.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 28, 2014, 02:26:14 PM
Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 28, 2014, 04:06:52 PM
^ LOL
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 28, 2014, 04:12:42 PM
Quote from: OldGit on July 28, 2014, 04:06:52 PM
^ LOL

^^ LOL (I hate when that happens)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi59.tinypic.com%2Fjsfswi.jpg&hash=d2547386f4b4b20e1e72277aef478dd31c0ae45f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 28, 2014, 04:53:54 PM
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just sit in the dark and demand you accept the light is still on.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on July 28, 2014, 05:15:53 PM
^^^ ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 29, 2014, 09:31:57 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BoIBqykIAAI9YOy.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on July 30, 2014, 01:41:05 AM
^ It really works! :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 06, 2014, 12:26:42 AM
I went to see my therapist yesterday, she told me one of my issues or problems is waking up grumpy every morning, but I told her I never wake up grumpy and always let her sleep in.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 10, 2014, 08:53:11 PM
^ lol!


(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10366218_10152848347104062_2294495060389018903_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 13, 2014, 06:31:01 PM
One for Claire! (http://games.usvsth3m.com/slap-michael-gove/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on August 13, 2014, 06:34:31 PM
Quote from: OldGit on August 13, 2014, 06:31:01 PM
One for Claire! (http://games.usvsth3m.com/slap-michael-gove/)

hahahahaha LOVE it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 13, 2014, 07:20:01 PM
Quote from: OldGit on August 13, 2014, 06:31:01 PM
One for Claire! (http://games.usvsth3m.com/slap-michael-gove/)
I added 10!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on August 13, 2014, 07:21:53 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 13, 2014, 07:20:01 PM
Quote from: OldGit on August 13, 2014, 06:31:01 PM
One for Claire! (http://games.usvsth3m.com/slap-michael-gove/)
I added 10!

:-[ I did 100 in one go!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 13, 2014, 07:40:08 PM
I'd best not show my wife. It would cost her a new keyboard!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on August 13, 2014, 07:44:59 PM
I don't know who he is, but if Claire doesn't like him that is good enough for me. Smacked him around a bit for you.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on August 13, 2014, 07:49:18 PM
Quote from: Ali on August 13, 2014, 07:44:59 PM
I don't know who he is, but if Claire doesn't like him that is good enough for me. Smacked him around a bit for you.

He was until very recently the UK Minister for Education. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 20, 2014, 08:48:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FFunerals_zps4ee6996f.jpg&hash=780c3b90faeedbf963f7432eb146c95f87a297f8) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/Funerals_zps4ee6996f.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on August 20, 2014, 10:44:58 PM
Quote from: OldGit on August 20, 2014, 08:48:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FFunerals_zps4ee6996f.jpg&hash=780c3b90faeedbf963f7432eb146c95f87a297f8) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/Funerals_zps4ee6996f.jpg.html)

You stab 'em, We slab 'em!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on August 20, 2014, 10:47:16 PM
... Or?

http://www.joesdump.com/audio/JoeActor_JiffyStiff.mp3
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 21, 2014, 09:41:51 AM
^ Love it. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 22, 2014, 05:09:24 AM
After getting nailed by the Special Forces, Osama Bin Laden made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 22, 2014, 11:27:52 PM
Toms Joke.     ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 23, 2014, 02:10:43 AM
Shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams.  ;D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhmwcmOPemk
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 23, 2014, 04:32:43 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10580126_1459537927646165_2189167387635567225_n.jpg?oh=4661429205137f1261e8c206bd6e0600&oe=5463437E&__gda__=1415813908_7382a394f30c1cde6f4a57c588abbb3d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 23, 2014, 10:14:03 PM
Thing is though, we were. We just didn't live in quite as safety-obsessed a society. I blame mass media.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 24, 2014, 02:39:06 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2F28wf444.jpg&hash=c11dffabcb0a17d42e659549ca47572ebc3e6094)

Get it?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on August 24, 2014, 04:14:08 PM
I'm a big fan of the Oxford comma.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on August 24, 2014, 04:50:22 PM
Quote from: Bruno on August 24, 2014, 02:39:06 PM
Get it?

If it is going be taken that JFK and Stalin are strippers in the second instance, why would a comma be used at all?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 25, 2014, 01:44:42 AM
I could explain it, but I'd probably make a mess of my terminology.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 25, 2014, 02:21:48 AM
I think the stripper Stalin looks kinda sexy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 25, 2014, 01:20:50 PM
A 12 year old boy gets run over by a Truck outside St Marys Cathedral and is at deaths door. A passer bye cradles him in his arms and asks, "Would you like me to get you a Priest Sonny?", The Wee Boy says. "I'm Dying mister, sex is the last thing on my mind".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on August 25, 2014, 01:58:27 PM
Quote from: Bruno on August 25, 2014, 02:21:48 AM
I think the stripper Stalin looks kinda sexy.
I prefer JFK. His hair do is quite Miley-esque.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 25, 2014, 02:31:24 PM
Quote from: Ali on August 25, 2014, 01:58:27 PM
Quote from: Bruno on August 25, 2014, 02:21:48 AM
I think the stripper Stalin looks kinda sexy.
I prefer JFK. His hair do is quite Miley-esque.
Yeah, and I am not crazy at all about the Stalin's mustache, just doesn't do it for me, but JFK's hips are too flat. Stalin has got some curves going on.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 25, 2014, 07:32:31 PM
Stalin was only about 5' 2".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on August 25, 2014, 07:36:13 PM
I don't know why, but I love the idea of lording my outlandish 5'7 (joke, I know that's not that tall compared to SOME people) height over Joseph Stalin. Like, "Oh, here Stalin, let me get that pitcher off the top shelf for you. No, no, don't pull up a chair! I got it!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on August 25, 2014, 08:48:05 PM
Quote from: Ali on August 25, 2014, 07:36:13 PM
I don't know why, but I love the idea of lording my outlandish 5'7 (joke, I know that's not that tall compared to SOME people) height over Joseph Stalin. Like, "Oh, here Stalin, let me get that pitcher off the top shelf for you. No, no, don't pull up a chair! I got it!"

Truman called jim a "little squirt."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on August 26, 2014, 06:10:28 AM
Quote from: OldGit on August 25, 2014, 07:32:31 PM
Stalin was only about 5' 2".

5'5" is what I've seen given most often for Stalin.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Michael1 on August 26, 2014, 06:01:29 PM
While Hitler's moped only made it to 40-45 km/h.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on August 26, 2014, 06:21:53 PM
These made me laugh. (http://the-toast.net/2013/11/04/male-novelist-jokes/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 26, 2014, 07:24:27 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-9/64804_10200607995942972_1254758906_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 28, 2014, 03:48:53 PM
^^ I love that ;D

Can someone finish the math if: 10 personas = 3 Americans = ? Europeans?

I like these:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi58.tinypic.com%2F2bxssh.jpg&hash=56a58218283d431028a92cd30b989cd465506238)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi59.tinypic.com%2F2wp2ixk.jpg&hash=1e1292e4e5c96df3e369abdd0c1221e75705d626)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 30, 2014, 02:23:16 AM
(https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT8aThxzf1_6x5iH_qQZQ_ybMhxz_72VvSmXgn5c3XTLqBHh8bY3w)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 02, 2014, 05:06:41 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/16676_10152270852239205_4520694012166374941_n.jpg?oh=6d7958697f8807a2a960fe0a65c77cb9&oe=5474D9E1&__gda__=1416227804_18e837e80098578b32adc8475617ec84)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 02, 2014, 10:08:04 PM
Two nuns are in the bath.

Nun1: Where's the soap?

Nun2: Yes, it does rather. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 03, 2014, 12:18:43 PM
^ LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 03, 2014, 03:51:56 PM
The real joke is the horrible, raging yeast infection y'all are fantasizing about.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 03, 2014, 04:03:00 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on September 03, 2014, 03:51:56 PM
The real joke is the horrible, raging yeast infection y'all are fantasizing about.

So you've bathed with nuns before have you? Cool!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 03, 2014, 04:43:53 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 03, 2014, 04:03:00 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on September 03, 2014, 03:51:56 PM
The real joke is the horrible, raging yeast infection y'all are fantasizing about.

So you've bathed with nuns before have you? Cool!

Seriously, that joke took me a while, because YOU DO NOT DO THAT WITH SOAP.

...I thought it was the same for guys.  The ones I've spoken to anyway.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 03, 2014, 05:06:22 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on September 03, 2014, 04:43:53 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 03, 2014, 04:03:00 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on September 03, 2014, 03:51:56 PM
The real joke is the horrible, raging yeast infection y'all are fantasizing about.

So you've bathed with nuns before have you? Cool!

Seriously, that joke took me a while, because YOU DO NOT DO THAT WITH SOAP.

...I thought it was the same for guys.  The ones I've spoken to anyway.

That would be one interestingly shaped bar of soap.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 03, 2014, 05:30:04 PM
RULE #34 (http://whydontihavethis.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/weener_kleener.jpg)

Are my male friends the only ones stupid enough to use soap as lube?  Or are they the only ones affected by it?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 03, 2014, 05:33:24 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on September 03, 2014, 05:30:04 PM
RULE #34 (http://whydontihavethis.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/weener_kleener.jpg)

Are my male friends the only ones stupid enough to use soap as lube?  Or are they the only ones affected by it?
The former.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 03, 2014, 06:39:11 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on September 03, 2014, 05:30:04 PM
RULE #34 (http://whydontihavethis.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/weener_kleener.jpg)

Are my male friends the only ones stupid enough to use soap as lube?  Or are they the only ones affected by it?
Ewwww! Soap! No. If in doubt olive oil!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 03, 2014, 06:55:42 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 03, 2014, 05:33:24 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on September 03, 2014, 05:30:04 PM
RULE #34 (http://whydontihavethis.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/weener_kleener.jpg)

Are my male friends the only ones stupid enough to use soap as lube?  Or are they the only ones affected by it?
The former.

I'm not surprised.

True story - guy I went to high school with thought putting a live fish in your vagina would be the coolest way to masturbate, and couldn't understand why that wasn't a thing, like cucumbers or hot dogs.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 03, 2014, 07:45:32 PM
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on September 03, 2014, 09:29:52 PM
Every Woman's magazine, ever...

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1521276_494554837314699_6494761907145334966_n.jpg?oh=0051b10fed7a997075ec2154494ddb38&oe=546ED550&__gda__=1417713005_f343f3d34034ad5902419e07ed8b7d00)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on September 03, 2014, 10:50:41 PM
Pretty damn accurate. All that is wrong is that it isn't using 5 different fonts and there is too much negative space (ma).

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fbeautygeeek.files.wordpress.com%2F2013%2F01%2Fvictoria-beckham-elle-january-2008-01.jpg&hash=467f6ebb3b37d003db6bc547974972441c8d8a5d)(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftartanblog.scotlandshop.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F11%2FCosmopolitan-December-2013-Cover.jpg&hash=f3fab0ab23b92e42032693caf8ed2eca9d6415a4)(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.pennypinchinmom.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F08%2Fmarieclaire.jpg&hash=25ee840f040713b84aa3c7a25086197dcac80e4c)(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdni.condenast.co.uk%2F410x540%2Fg_j%2Fglamour_jan11_b.jpg&hash=f7fb3901e8bee02ee7cde96778bc6477a33d732f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 03, 2014, 11:58:46 PM
I've never bought any of those magazines.
That explains everything.  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 04, 2014, 03:20:35 AM
Quote from: Magdalena linkoh =topic=8587.msg288629#msg288629 date=1409785126
I've never bought any of those magazines.
That explains everything.  ::)
What magazines do you buy your highness?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 04, 2014, 06:50:36 AM
Quote from: Bruno on September 04, 2014, 03:20:35 AM
Quote from: Magdalena linkoh =topic=8587.msg288629#msg288629 date=1409785126
I've never bought any of those magazines.
That explains everything.  ::)
What magazines do you buy your highness?
Your highness? Well....Thank you for that, next time just call me The Tarot Card's High Priestess.

I was raised by two wonderful men who taught me about the things that really matter in life. They wanted me to learn as much as I could, but the art of knowing how to fuck a man 7 DIFFERENT WAYS TO BLOW HIS MIND IN BED was not one of them. Or, HOW TO KEEP LOVE ALIVE by following THE MODERN RULES OF SEX AND DATING.

Do I want to STEAL OTHER WOMEN'S HOT SEX SECRETS? No, not really. Do I WANT A NEW BODY? No. Even if I did, how do I dispose of the old one? I'm not crazy about finding the fountain of youth, so MAKEUP TRICKS THAT TAKE OFF YEARS...How many exactly? How many layers will you plaster on my face? Will people see my face or my makeup? HAIR? I've just watched mine grow long and curly, and then turn gray, what else can it do? Now I can find THE secret? THE SECRET OF BEING HAPPY...is in a magazine? Really?  8)

Some people are into the perfect party fashion, jewelry, the shoes, the hair the makeup, etc. I'm not, so I don't buy these magazines--that's all.  :-\ When I said, "That explains everything." I was just thinking about everything that I'm not.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 04, 2014, 09:40:06 AM
What's wrong with Carpenter's Weekly?  I find it most stimulating.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 04, 2014, 01:55:59 PM
Quote from: OldGit on September 04, 2014, 09:40:06 AM
What's wrong with Carpenter's Weekly?  I find it most stimulating.

I like "TIRED", the paint drying articles are especially captivating.
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2F2v9q9g7.jpg&hash=57e9859f02cbd79df1682f075820392e3ce5b71f)

Quote from: Magdalena on September 04, 2014, 06:50:36 AM
Quote from: Bruno on September 04, 2014, 03:20:35 AM
Quote from: Magdalena linkoh =topic=8587.msg288629#msg288629 date=1409785126
I've never bought any of those magazines.
That explains everything.  ::)
What magazines do you buy your highness?
Your highness? Well....Thank you for that, next time just call me The Tarot Card's High Priestess.

I was raised by two wonderful men who taught me about the things that really matter in life. They wanted me to learn as much as I could, but the art of knowing how to fuck a man 7 DIFFERENT WAYS TO BLOW HIS MIND IN BED was not one of them. Or, HOW TO KEEP LOVE ALIVE by following THE MODERN RULES OF SEX AND DATING.

Do I want to STEAL OTHER WOMEN'S HOT SEX SECRETS? No, not really. Do I WANT A NEW BODY? No. Even if I did, how do I dispose of the old one? I'm not crazy about finding the fountain of youth, so MAKEUP TRICKS THAT TAKE OFF YEARS...How many exactly? How many layers will you plaster on my face? Will people see my face or my makeup? HAIR? I've just watched mine grow long and curly, and then turn gray, what else can it do? Now I can find THE secret? THE SECRET OF BEING HAPPY...is in a magazine? Really?  8)

Some people are into the perfect party fashion, jewelry, the shoes, the hair the makeup, etc. I'm not, so I don't buy these magazines--that's all.  :-\ When I said, "That explains everything." I was just thinking about everything that I'm not.

I was only kidding TCHP, but I really like your response. I think you really nailed it on the head with what is wrong not just with the magazines, but our society and how people are conditioned to look at themselves and try to live up to unrealistic expectations of what a women, or even a man should be according to marketing firms.

I was actually curious if you or anyone else here currently purchases or even read magazines, and if so which ones?  I myself do not, and haven't for a long time. Seems the only time I glance at a magazine these days is if I'm flying or waiting at a doctors office.
I do read a lot of things online that interest me, but that's the nice thing about the internet. I can search for content through reliable sources and not have to deal with any of the crap that is out there, and as we are all aware there is a ton of crap online; but it is easy (At least for me) to filter out and avoid the garbage that is similarly found in the magazine examples posted here earlier.

I do have to say Mags if I was to pick one magazine I thought you subscribed to and read on a regular basis it would be "High Times". ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 04, 2014, 04:50:56 PM
I read Whole Dog Journal, which is technically a magazine.  That's it though. Everything else is just ads and articles to sell you what's in the ads. 

BF reads some Outdoor Living mag, which is mostly ads for hunting gear and guns with articles to make you want more hunting gear and guns.  He finds it nice for keeping up on what's available.

Women's magazines are absolutely awful.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on September 04, 2014, 05:45:38 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 04, 2014, 01:55:59 PM
I was actually curious if you or anyone else here currently purchases or even read magazines, and if so which ones? 

I do. The main ones would be Apartamento, Monocle, The Gentlewoman, Fantastic Man, Self Service, Mark and AnOther. I will randomly go pick up magazines from the local gallery shops and design stores.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 04, 2014, 10:39:20 PM
Quote from: Crow on September 04, 2014, 05:45:38 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 04, 2014, 01:55:59 PM
I was actually curious if you or anyone else here currently purchases or even read magazines, and if so which ones? 

I do. The main ones would be Apartamento, Monocle, The Gentlewoman, Fantastic Man, Self Service, Mark and AnOther. I will randomly go pick up magazines from the local gallery shops and design stores.
Hey Crow, do you mind if I ask what type of work you do? Just curious based on some of the magazines you listed above. When I was first responding to this thread my thoughts were on magazines read for personal pleasure, hobbies or simply for leisure. Personally I've had subscriptions to different magazines over the years, some news related, many geared either toward music or musicians, along with the random GQ, etc...but when I saw some of the ones you listed it, it reminded me that I still look through a number of periodicals here at the office that are work related (I'm a manufacturing representative in the automotive business) such as Automotive News, Craines Detroit Business, etc...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 05, 2014, 12:28:10 AM
I only subscribe to Illustrated Science.
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjulegaveguide.no%2Fwp-content%2Fthemes%2Fjulegave%2Fthumb.php%3Fsrc%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fjulegaveguide.no%2Fwp-content%2Fbildeupload%2F26-illustrertvitenskap-14-2009-16.jpg%26amp%3Bh%3D300%26amp%3Bzc%3D1%26amp%3Bq%3D90.png&hash=a5727ba5f78f415ac907963defa3861a4703e2fd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 05, 2014, 03:04:26 AM
I did too. Good magazine, but in most areas that interest me, I outgrew it.  :( Now, if the stuff I read is illustrated at all, it's with charts and graphs.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on September 05, 2014, 12:36:23 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 04, 2014, 10:39:20 PM
Quote from: Crow on September 04, 2014, 05:45:38 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 04, 2014, 01:55:59 PM
I was actually curious if you or anyone else here currently purchases or even read magazines, and if so which ones? 

I do. The main ones would be Apartamento, Monocle, The Gentlewoman, Fantastic Man, Self Service, Mark and AnOther. I will randomly go pick up magazines from the local gallery shops and design stores.
Hey Crow, do you mind if I ask what type of work you do? Just curious based on some of the magazines you listed above. When I was first responding to this thread my thoughts were on magazines read for personal pleasure, hobbies or simply for leisure. Personally I've had subscriptions to different magazines over the years, some news related, many geared either toward music or musicians, along with the random GQ, etc...but when I saw some of the ones you listed it, it reminded me that I still look through a number of periodicals here at the office that are work related (I'm a manufacturing representative in the automotive business) such as Automotive News, Craines Detroit Business, etc...

The easiest way to put it would be that I work in design. Most of the time as an art director, sometimes as a creative director, other times just as a designer, sometimes as a mac monkey though I haven't done that in over three years. Most of the magazines I pick up even though related to the work I do are mainly because I like the content and isn't just a collection of stuff you can find on the web, the periodicals in my field of business is stuff you can easily find on the web and even though I have had work featured in a few of them they are generally rubbish and feel like they are targeted towards students and people who chase awards.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 05, 2014, 09:14:45 PM
Quote from: Crow on September 05, 2014, 12:36:23 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 04, 2014, 10:39:20 PM
Quote from: Crow on September 04, 2014, 05:45:38 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 04, 2014, 01:55:59 PM
I was actually curious if you or anyone else here currently purchases or even read magazines, and if so which ones? 

I do. The main ones would be Apartamento, Monocle, The Gentlewoman, Fantastic Man, Self Service, Mark and AnOther. I will randomly go pick up magazines from the local gallery shops and design stores.
Hey Crow, do you mind if I ask what type of work you do? Just curious based on some of the magazines you listed above. When I was first responding to this thread my thoughts were on magazines read for personal pleasure, hobbies or simply for leisure. Personally I've had subscriptions to different magazines over the years, some news related, many geared either toward music or musicians, along with the random GQ, etc...but when I saw some of the ones you listed it, it reminded me that I still look through a number of periodicals here at the office that are work related (I'm a manufacturing representative in the automotive business) such as Automotive News, Craines Detroit Business, etc...

The easiest way to put it would be that I work in design. Most of the time as an art director, sometimes as a creative director, other times just as a designer, sometimes as a mac monkey though I haven't done that in over three years. Most of the magazines I pick up even though related to the work I do are mainly because I like the content and isn't just a collection of stuff you can find on the web, the periodicals in my field of business is stuff you can easily find on the web and even though I have had work featured in a few of them they are generally rubbish and feel like they are targeted towards students and people who chase awards.
My guess was pretty close, sounds interesting :)
My best friend is a designer here in Detroit, where also taught design at the College for Creative Studies . He's done some really outstanding work and I always love to see the stuff he's working on, if he's in a mood to let me peek.
Maybe you can share some of your work at HAF?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on September 05, 2014, 09:38:14 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 05, 2014, 09:14:45 PM
Maybe you can share some of your work at HAF?

Not a chance, I haven't done personal stuff in years so everything is business and don't want to be showing that around on forums. If you have been to NYC (or any large European city or Tokyo) over the last few years there is a small chance you may have already seen some stuff I have worked on.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 06, 2014, 12:37:18 AM
Farfignewton.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 06, 2014, 09:32:16 AM
I did wonder about that haggis advert in Inverkochileekie.   :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 06, 2014, 08:20:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi59.tinypic.com%2F2v0jzuo.jpg&hash=b4b89355ac2fe457b14f83e2bdae6f563740e0f4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 07, 2014, 10:06:03 AM
I told my psychiatrist I keep hearing voices.  He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on September 07, 2014, 02:19:26 PM
Quote from: OldGit on September 07, 2014, 10:06:03 AM
I told my psychiatrist I keep hearing voices.  He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.
ROFL ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 09, 2014, 06:33:41 PM
FACTS ABOUT LIFE:
1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the
woman herself offers the other one. And that
was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Did you ever notice: everything on a
woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse,
Bra, Boobs & lower body with a "P", Peticoat,
panties, pussy... No wonder men suffer from
high BP!
3. Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life
no one helps you once you're screwed.
4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody
congratulates you but nobody knows how many
times you got screwed to achieve it.
5. What is the difference between frustration
and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a
Fuck!
6. Three people having sex is a threesome, 2 is
a twosome. So next time someone calls you
'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard
for no reason.
8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to
make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A
wife is supposed to make her husband's dick
hard, not his life..
10. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends
touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But
none of them come and touch the man's dick
and say "Well done!". Moral of it is that, hard
work is never appreciated. Only result matters
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 09, 2014, 10:24:47 PM
I like #6 ;D

So can one of you English folk explain this joke to me?

"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on September 09, 2014, 11:08:32 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 09, 2014, 10:24:47 PM

So can one of you English folk explain this joke to me?

"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub..."

Well I'll have a go.  It's not particularly funny though.  I think it refers to the fact that in some pubs or cafes you are given a number to take to your table so the waiter knows where to bring your order. sometimes the number is on what looks like a fork or spoon. So you can either make food with a wooden spoon or have food made for you. You surely have the same in the US of A?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 10, 2014, 12:03:16 AM
Essie, there are some restaurants, here, that use numbered cards to identify the diners at whatever table. A diner orders his choice at a counter and retires to a table where the server will find you when the item is prepared.  Spoons? Not that we know of. Thank you for that bit of English lore.

We learn more stuff on HAF then we do in school.  8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kody on September 10, 2014, 03:59:44 AM
Quote from: Tank on September 09, 2014, 06:33:41 PM
FACTS ABOUT LIFE:
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard
for no reason.

Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 10, 2014, 08:20:07 AM
I was thinking about getting married to a Muslim.

They love a good bang!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on September 10, 2014, 12:30:27 PM
I heard that Mull of Kintyre song the other day, the one McCartney ripped of Mulligans tyres.
Tyres notable for never wearing out as the tread is on the inside.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 10, 2014, 01:25:38 PM
Quote from: Marvin on September 10, 2014, 12:30:27 PM
I heard that Mull of Kintyre song the other day, the one McCartney ripped of Mulligans tyres.
Tyres notable for never wearing out as the tread is on the inside.

If like me this morning you're wondering exactly Marvin is getting at (Or some of the other folks here at HAF), try this handy translator (http://www.translatebritish.com).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 10, 2014, 02:25:20 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 10, 2014, 01:25:38 PM
Quote from: Marvin on September 10, 2014, 12:30:27 PM
I heard that Mull of Kintyre song the other day, the one McCartney ripped of Mulligans tyres.
Tyres notable for never wearing out as the tread is on the inside.

If like me this morning you're wondering exactly Marvin is getting at (Or some of the other folks here at HAF), try this handy translator (http://www.translatebritish.com).

... still don't get the joke, but really like the slang translator!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on September 10, 2014, 02:50:19 PM
Quote from: Marvin on September 10, 2014, 12:30:27 PM
I heard that Mull of Kintyre song the other day, the one McCartney ripped of Mulligans tyres.
Tyres notable for never wearing out as the tread is on the inside.

Mull of Kintyre is a song of Paul McCartney's.
Long ago I fell victim to an earworm spoof of a line of the song.

Mulligan's tyres never wear out 'cause the treads on the inside
Oh Mulligans tyres
some bagpipes now.

Around here a tyre's tread is the grooved part that wears out.
The inside of tyres don't wear out so obviously the cleaver thing to do is to put the tread on the inside of the tyre, where the tube goes, or where they used to go.

You surely know the leprosy/yesterday thing?

Leprosy, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, leprosy came suddenly
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 10, 2014, 03:18:32 PM
Quote from: Marvin on September 10, 2014, 02:50:19 PM
Quote from: Marvin on September 10, 2014, 12:30:27 PM
I heard that Mull of Kintyre song the other day, the one McCartney ripped of Mulligans tyres.
Tyres notable for never wearing out as the tread is on the inside.

Mull of Kintyre is a song of Paul McCartney's.
Long ago I fell victim to an earworm spoof of the song.
Around here a tyre's tread is the grooved part that wears out.
The inside of tyres don't wear out so obviously the cleaver thing to do is to put the tread on the inside of the tyre, where the tube goes, or where they used to go.
Oh you mean "tire", now I get it ha, ha, ha....
You should have your spell check looked at.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Marvin on September 10, 2014, 03:26:18 PM
"automobile tyres are usually made of rubber and filled with compressed air"

Seriously, you surely don't spell the rubber thing that goes on wheels as tire?

I'm so tired
Oh darling did you have a hard day?
No, I got run over by a fucking monster truck.


I'll have to reconsider a lot of things now.
I dismissed as crazy the the moon landing hoax people.
I'm going have to take another look at their stuff.
There is no way a people who spell tyre so wrongly could have truly gone there.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 10, 2014, 05:07:38 PM
Quote from: Marvin on September 10, 2014, 03:26:18 PM
"automobile tyres are usually made of rubber and filled with compressed air"

Seriously, you surely don't spell the rubber thing that goes on wheels as tire?

I'm so tired
Oh darling did you have a hard day?
No, I got run over by a fucking monster truck.


I'll have to reconsider a lot of things now.
I dismissed as crazy the the moon landing hoax people.
I'm going have to take another look at their stuff.
There is no way a people who spell tyre so wrongly could have truly gone there.

This is Tyre. Located in Lebanon, a place I would really like to visit one day.
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2F2556te1.jpg&hash=89e18892e6849aae0b61065c07b10101d6fd5e1f)


This is a tire, the black part, along the outside.
The pretty, shiny center section is the wheel.
This is the Chevy Cruze wheel by the way, which is my wheel. Or more specifically is one of the wheels our company supplies to GM.

Wheels are my business (Not tires, smelly, dirty things really), but since they go hand in hand with my wheels I am somewhat familiar with them. :P
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.tinypic.com%2Fimji3l.jpg&hash=91e557ba8bf1733e19e985a9706a8c20e0e82478)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 10, 2014, 08:11:11 PM
So many classic songs are sung wrongly.  For instance, Jim Reeves'  Big Horse song - 'I love you big Horse, you understand, dear...'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 11, 2014, 12:04:15 AM
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 11, 2014, 10:12:03 AM
Well, fare's fair. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 11, 2014, 10:37:51 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10616006_919037581458013_1241899013136143798_n.jpg?oh=441f0faef583bb11d00e86934d5e3cc9&oe=54973197&__gda__=1418011695_35b78b9ed39116c9fcca4938fc5c2a1e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 12, 2014, 05:15:52 AM
Yes, the rattie angels are real, as is their God. Be in awe of His Omnigrayness! Immediately!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 12, 2014, 06:29:13 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on September 12, 2014, 05:15:52 AM
Yes, the rattie angels are real, as is their God. Be in awe of His Omnigrayness! Immediately!  >:(
I'm not sure you grasp the concept of this site......  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 13, 2014, 04:07:05 PM
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES ? $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER." $50.00."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 13, 2014, 05:40:48 PM
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.

The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"

Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest: "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know. I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

Bishop: "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop:"No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it.

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 14, 2014, 10:26:15 AM
Good one!  Here's a real oldie which is quite similar:

A bloke is playing golf with the vicar; on the third he misses a really easy putt.  "Shit!  Missed the fucker!", he cries.

"Now, now, mind your language!" says the vicar.

On the fourth the bloke misses another easy one and shouts, "Bollocks!  Missed the bugger!"

The vicar reproves him more seriously, but two holes later he does it again.  "Fuck!  Missed the fucking thing again!"

"My son, if you continue to offend Our Lord with such filthy language, I shall ask him to send punishment upon you from Heaven."

But still, on the last hole the bloke does it yet again.  "Bollocks!  How many times can I miss the fucking thing?"

"Oh Lord, inasmuch as thine unworthy servant doth continually curse and swear, send Thou Thy lightning from above to chastise him."

Instantly a massive bolt of lightning falls and strikes the vicar, leaving only a small heap of ashes.  A deep voice booms from  on high, "SHIT! MISSED THE FUCKER!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 14, 2014, 12:59:56 PM
Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day on the Jack Nicklaus course in Montana.
This course had a particularly difficult hole,
and Moses expressed his doubts that
Jesus could make the shot over the water.

"Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus.
"I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,
Golf Swing and if Arnold Palmer can do it,
then so can I."

Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try.
Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water.
Moses parted the water for Jesus,
who went in to retrieve his ball.

Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.

"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer
do it, and if he can do it, then so can I."

True to form, however,
Jesus' ball ended up back in the water.
Moses parted the water,
and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.

"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like,
but I'm not parting the water for you again."

"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus.
"But you know, I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,
and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."

Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water.
Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.

Another group of golfers came up behind Moses
and saw Jesus walking on the water.
"Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses.
"Who does that guy think he is, Jesus ?"

"No," said Moses, rolling his eyes.
"He IS Jesus, but He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 15, 2014, 06:20:34 AM
You guys are so funny!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 15, 2014, 11:33:50 AM
(https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/t31.0-8/10662077_948115421870914_4452608740269578344_o.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 15, 2014, 01:23:06 PM
^ Good 'un.  ;D

BREAKING NEWS

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, England, has been sacked , much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway line.  I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally meet Allah."

"Remain calm and stay on the line ," was not considered to be an appropriate response.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 16, 2014, 12:07:26 AM
^ ROFL.

I disagree, it was damned sure the correct response.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 16, 2014, 10:15:01 PM
^^ You guys are mean >:(


Why are fire engines red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight is twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, a fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red.
That's why firetrucks are red.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on September 16, 2014, 10:34:38 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 16, 2014, 10:15:01 PM
^^ You guys are mean >:(


Why are fire engines red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight is twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, a fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red.
That's why firetrucks are red.
This is what every word problem I have ever read sounds like in my head.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 16, 2014, 11:45:41 PM
Quote from: Bruno on September 16, 2014, 10:15:01 PM
^^ You guys are mean >:(


Why are fire engines red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight is twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, a fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red.
That's why firetrucks are red.

Why do firemen have red suspenders?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 17, 2014, 01:23:16 AM
Fireman have red suspenders to hold their pants up.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 17, 2014, 03:20:59 AM
Yes. That.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 18, 2014, 12:04:01 PM
(https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10649673_10152725619114802_2348029964076695038_n.png?oh=e34f1e2e0ce619c6ddf2f8c177f161d7&oe=54913E23)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 18, 2014, 01:25:17 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10653722_928589130495432_8953804527956635210_n.jpg?oh=12c36ebacca94ce72d9e7053551d703b&oe=54CFE591)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 18, 2014, 02:15:15 PM
Aw, nasty sheety dawg... (https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=771237026239433&id=162717283758080)

I don't know if I should be laughing, but I am. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 18, 2014, 06:42:08 PM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10711140_716566251757731_1548383251766947051_n.jpg?oh=5c2c329f1edc4b8d87b1283794c6d94a&oe=54C6A43A)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Michael1 on September 18, 2014, 06:50:01 PM
God once tried atheism, but he didn't believe in it.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 18, 2014, 11:55:40 PM
Git that evil little dog appears to be a Shetland Sheep Dog, a Sheltie. I think that he is of Scottish breeding. Does that cartoon have any implications for todays Scottish vote?

For what it's worth that breed is renowned for its intelligence and admirable work ethic.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 19, 2014, 09:17:03 AM
Quote from: IcarusGit that evil little dog appears to be a Shetland Sheep Dog, a Sheltie. I think that he is of Scottish breeding. Does that cartoon have any implications for todays Scottish vote?

Not for a normal person.  For a journalist, probably - there's nothing they can't drag into this story.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 19, 2014, 01:16:41 PM


Cyanide and Happiness is its own fucked up world.  Pretty sure it's supposed to be Lassie. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 20, 2014, 06:24:50 AM
When Crow said, " A simple math equation," it got me thinking...

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dumpaday.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F02%2Ffunny-quotes-math.jpg&hash=9f16d3354918f7805f78676ff27dd90a2244501c)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjokeslab.com%2Fmedia%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F09%2Ffunny-math-exam-expansion.jpg&hash=0e9d896aa75715912d5118c0bd10086436f2281a) (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fallhumorpic.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2Ffunny-math-test-answer.jpg&hash=b7e622ed9db113575f49134ecfa82803f2b687cf)


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.izismile.com%2Fimg%2Fimg5%2F20120818%2F640%2Fwho_knew_math_can_be_funny_640_10.jpg&hash=54f4f140228a2c018bf432776f0fd44a6911ddc9)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.pleacher.com%2Fmp%2Fmgifs%2Fgifs12%2Ffsmall.jpg&hash=faea2d43bf08513fd70464ea6c9808f82ace9e62)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 20, 2014, 07:30:51 AM
Own damned fault for making the infinity sigh too like a sideways 8.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 20, 2014, 10:37:38 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10624557_765828443478102_3185478791873985366_n.jpg?oh=1d69f82fcfba7e3a596a8092bf62db00&oe=54C8E1DC&__gda__=1421933933_be20230b465a98ebbbab550b43aec0bc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 20, 2014, 07:01:22 PM
Mags; Math hounds like me love jokes like that one.  :-* 

Satan can go to hell cause math can be good fun.

That set of test results could have been from one of my students.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 20, 2014, 07:46:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2nerd.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F05%2FWhen-Batman-leaves-church.jpg&hash=ed3dca7f2ba7c5b4392027bfe2f86aef1a4e66a4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 20, 2014, 07:52:53 PM
Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 21, 2014, 05:40:10 AM
^ ^ ^
Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."  ???
Oh! I get it!  :D
::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 21, 2014, 06:27:07 AM
Quote from: Icarus on September 20, 2014, 07:01:22 PM
Mags; Math hounds like me love jokes like that one.  :-* 

Satan can go to hell cause math can be good fun.

That set of test results could have been from one of my students.

I also like math jokes.
When my son was in fifth grade, he had to write a word problem to this equation: 3x − 7 = 35. He asked me if what he wrote sounded correct:
"I ate 35 bananas in the morning, in the afternoon, I ate 7 less than 3 times what I ate in the morning, how many bananas did I eat?

I answered, "Yes, that sounds correct, and the answer is: Enough to get diarrhea right before you go to bed, isn't it?"
We were laughing so hard.  ;D

The answer is 14 bananas. Right, Icarus?  ???  :-[
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 22, 2014, 08:05:46 AM
Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?


A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time!


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimageshack.com%2Fa%2Fimg710%2F9922%2Frimshot.gif&hash=99695929447568acaa25d2f41fb3f81aebc4d609)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 22, 2014, 08:25:42 AM
Quote from: Tank on September 22, 2014, 08:05:46 AM
Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time!
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimageshack.com%2Fa%2Fimg710%2F9922%2Frimshot.gif&hash=99695929447568acaa25d2f41fb3f81aebc4d609)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femoticons%2Fhand-gestures%2Ffacepalm-smiley-emoticon.gif&hash=5864957381f2e234ce76dc989b48c3e27ed81563)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on September 22, 2014, 08:58:40 PM
Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
A: She fits into your wife's clothes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on September 22, 2014, 09:54:07 PM
My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."

At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"

"Give me an example," she replied.

"Well, while I was fucking you last night, I was thinking about your friend."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 22, 2014, 11:53:45 PM
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 23, 2014, 05:42:08 AM
That's right Mags, 14 bananas  :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on September 23, 2014, 06:27:49 AM
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy,
But Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of cock
'Cause Jill's real name was Randy.

You're welcome. :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 23, 2014, 07:28:48 AM
^^^  :D

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10350997_637799079652531_2949245783396533_n.jpg?oh=d930cde3f4ab567fd2839201dcaa31ac&oe=54C8C1F0&__gda__=1422679835_e0eae44b1911c36bfc0d22a0c6c6aaab)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 23, 2014, 08:08:00 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10603542_10152648691021730_5350982334157888650_n.jpg?oh=abaed9dc75df43ab7581f3f0ffed67c9&oe=54C04BB6&__gda__=1418741987_13200d52c62c4feb13910dcdc8e7a6d1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 23, 2014, 04:47:59 PM
Yeah... Not that simple. Most self-respecting pads have a delayed turnoff function. If indeed that one had arms with hands dextrous enough to operate a lighter, it could torch that book silly in the time the power button had to be pressed to turn it off.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on September 23, 2014, 05:20:12 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on September 23, 2014, 04:47:59 PM
Yeah... Not that simple. Most self-respecting pads have a delayed turnoff function. If indeed that one had arms with hands dextrous enough to operate a lighter, it could torch that book silly in the time the power button had to be pressed to turn it off.

It's the James Bond villain mistake. Don't talk about it just do it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 23, 2014, 06:12:01 PM
My point is still valid. You can talk about torching stuff before doing so when your off switch has a timer. Also, what I've seen of James Bond is silly.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 24, 2014, 12:20:25 AM
Dober that was naughty  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 24, 2014, 01:24:23 AM
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 25, 2014, 07:04:42 PM
^^^
I like that one.  :D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweknowmemes.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F10%2Fso-if-guns-kill-people.jpg&hash=603d89709c091a91c1d2965fe928733c4bfc16a8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 25, 2014, 07:14:38 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on September 25, 2014, 07:04:42 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweknowmemes.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F10%2Fso-if-guns-kill-people.jpg&hash=603d89709c091a91c1d2965fe928733c4bfc16a8)

I like it... but "miss spell" is misspelled  ;-)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on September 26, 2014, 03:27:36 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10377531_1537170726497785_3336546260466805348_n.jpg?oh=88f2d248d3833437e80b798ccb8c21be&oe=5483550D&__gda__=1421538407_0b1ba71c3acda67651edd0d9cadc154e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 27, 2014, 05:53:56 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t31.0-8/s960x960/10575284_10152293903886428_9526307650698044_o.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 28, 2014, 02:49:24 AM
^ hoot!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 29, 2014, 08:53:25 PM
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 29, 2014, 10:34:25 PM
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses

A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 29, 2014, 10:35:16 PM
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?

A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 30, 2014, 04:19:03 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10696416_822208814476793_5348709636959684279_n.jpg?oh=e7c1c92af47739cbad64fc13b4c858d8&oe=54C7FB68&__gda__=1421602654_6e3b5e19a3631906bbbefab20208a423)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 30, 2014, 09:00:21 PM
There's a car in that picture?!?!?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 01, 2014, 06:17:58 AM
Obvious fake.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 01, 2014, 06:50:31 AM
This looks like classical conditioning, Ivan Pavlov would be so proud of these guys.  ;D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-L9LvtYVI6OU%2FUpdwZ-Y0Q-I%2FAAAAAAABsfQ%2FsKjJ66Gynsw%2Fs640%2Ff%2B1.gif&hash=84d864d7189456a105e59ce9237951a74f32816e)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-NwFgNxnj2O4%2FUpdwXVA16hI%2FAAAAAAABsfA%2FyB260tfBFOM%2Fs640%2Ff%2B2.gif&hash=b5dbf50975a70897fb1df7527c73bebe6a2a2920)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 01, 2014, 01:08:06 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10372157_810590698953032_2820279316623388514_n.jpg?oh=b9a109c44146c2fd73909f8b5b7cbcf8&oe=54863752&__gda__=1422807003_a18474ce1f713d58358ba86d79ba3369)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 01, 2014, 02:43:47 PM
...Unless, of course, the resourceful boyfriend is ready at the right moment. In that case, who's going to jail is an open question.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 02, 2014, 08:26:01 PM
Prepare the eye bleach...
















































(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10421197_279968738864715_7347567303234869420_n.jpg?oh=a2694552d3055547833139f9afde45bf&oe=54CC1D0C&__gda__=1422373509_1791749d1487c0a7833a52e5a5a344f2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 02, 2014, 10:10:24 PM
Quote from: Tank on October 02, 2014, 08:26:01 PM
Prepare the eye bleach...
















































(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10421197_279968738864715_7347567303234869420_n.jpg?oh=a2694552d3055547833139f9afde45bf&oe=54CC1D0C&__gda__=1422373509_1791749d1487c0a7833a52e5a5a344f2)
I WAS eating my dinner.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 02, 2014, 10:41:42 PM
I did warn you  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 02, 2014, 10:46:29 PM
That just made me more determined to look. Very clever.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 02, 2014, 10:50:41 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 02, 2014, 10:46:29 PM
That just made me more determined to look. Very clever.
DON'T PRESS THE BUTTON!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 03, 2014, 08:51:01 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10636344_324901357690684_1495460161479665754_n.jpg?oh=f429296c1b22d57212905fe8666dbe1e&oe=54B62434)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 03, 2014, 09:01:32 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10308159_10152468361494482_9140785981420687110_n.jpg?oh=ed6e988eb96b1dc9bc96dc18168e2c94&oe=54CE5A96&__gda__=1417996160_6f447ae436636b15d3f9c9269b13ecb7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 03, 2014, 11:07:53 AM
Quote from: Tank on October 03, 2014, 08:51:01 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10636344_324901357690684_1495460161479665754_n.jpg?oh=f429296c1b22d57212905fe8666dbe1e&oe=54B62434)
..? That is not a very easy geometric shape to describe, but nor is it difficult.

You have a distinct attachment thingy with two holes in it. That can be used as a point fo reference. From there, the circular parts likely have a radius, the straight parts likely have a length and the rest is just about right, left and some detail descriptions.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on October 03, 2014, 11:20:55 AM
Is that how you describe yours? Who am I to argue...?!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 03, 2014, 03:33:51 PM
It looks something like this on a Vectra, I think:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffile.autopartoo.com%2Foeimage%2F2012%2F7%2F6%2F1483%2F6213029765s.PNG&hash=06cfb816f258e105d50c354b553eec9583ef18cd)

Beyond dimensions and the number and spacing of those attachment eyes, not a very difficult shape.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on October 03, 2014, 06:14:00 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 03, 2014, 03:33:51 PM
It looks something like this on a Vectra, I think:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffile.autopartoo.com%2Foeimage%2F2012%2F7%2F6%2F1483%2F6213029765s.PNG&hash=06cfb816f258e105d50c354b553eec9583ef18cd)

Beyond dimensions and the number and spacing of those attachment eyes, not a very difficult shape.

:o Oh, behave...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 03, 2014, 09:31:33 PM
It is behaving quite properly, thank you very much.

oO(Unlike my handbrake, an ABS gasket and heater  >:( I'm SO buying an Insignia this summer.)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 03, 2014, 11:09:03 PM
Quote from: Tank on October 02, 2014, 10:50:41 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 02, 2014, 10:46:29 PM
That just made me more determined to look. Very clever.
DON'T PRESS THE BUTTON!!!
Think Pandora was one of my ancestors.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 03, 2014, 11:11:45 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 03, 2014, 11:07:53 AM
Quote from: Tank on October 03, 2014, 08:51:01 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10636344_324901357690684_1495460161479665754_n.jpg?oh=f429296c1b22d57212905fe8666dbe1e&oe=54B62434)
..? That is not a very easy geometric shape to describe, but nor is it difficult.

You have a distinct attachment thingy with two holes in it. That can be used as a point fo reference. From there, the circular parts likely have a radius, the straight parts likely have a length and the rest is just about right, left and some detail descriptions.
What a load of bollocks.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 04, 2014, 01:21:21 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 03, 2014, 11:11:45 PM
Quote from: The Great and terrible Asmo the Terrible
..? That is not a very easy geometric shape to describe, but nor is it difficult.

You have a distinct attachment thingy with two holes in it. That can be used as a point fo reference. From there, the circular parts likely have a radius, the straight parts likely have a length and the rest is just about right, left and some detail descriptions.
What a load of bollocks.
Do substantiate. From where I sit, everything I said was accurate.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 05, 2014, 01:04:49 AM
Two days without any HAF jokes - I need my fix - more pease.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 05, 2014, 01:37:35 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 05, 2014, 01:04:49 AM
Two days without any HAF jokes - I need my fix - more pease.


If you say so......


An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 06, 2014, 07:55:33 PM
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1459996_890269267658731_4126670201027892423_n.jpg?oh=d1b23686ee18c07a28deded6fe379a6b&oe=54BB5B89)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 07, 2014, 06:00:42 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on October 05, 2014, 01:37:35 AM
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
I love your jokes!  :D I always share them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 07, 2014, 07:45:24 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10660187_10152736100271605_674279207472051687_n.jpg?oh=57f92c2dd488043dcb48f63326926164&oe=54AED118&__gda__=1421948449_ea82d4836012a5aac548cce09d77cc07)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 07, 2014, 02:17:34 PM
Quote from: Tank on October 07, 2014, 07:45:24 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10660187_10152736100271605_674279207472051687_n.jpg?oh=57f92c2dd488043dcb48f63326926164&oe=54AED118&__gda__=1421948449_ea82d4836012a5aac548cce09d77cc07)

Hah! Love that one!

I just passed on buying a homeopathic (arnica) in favor of an herbal alternative (bromelain).
The whole idea behind the water having some "memory" of a prior chemical is just too far.

Have there been any studies that show positive results for homeopathic medicine?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 07, 2014, 07:10:31 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.izismile.com%2Fimg%2Fimg5%2F20120928%2F640%2Fwhile_the_universe_expands_so_does_human_idiocy_part_2_640_33.jpg&hash=39df3cceeba7c902debfc2425de4896f7c04a022)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 07, 2014, 11:04:37 PM
An extended hospital stay, I think, not the Darwin Award.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on October 07, 2014, 11:46:19 PM
Quote from: joeactor on October 07, 2014, 02:17:34 PM
Have there been any studies that show positive results for homeopathic medicine?


None better than chance.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on October 07, 2014, 11:53:34 PM
Quote from: joeactor on October 07, 2014, 02:17:34 PM
Quote from: Tank on October 07, 2014, 07:45:24 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10660187_10152736100271605_674279207472051687_n.jpg?oh=57f92c2dd488043dcb48f63326926164&oe=54AED118&__gda__=1421948449_ea82d4836012a5aac548cce09d77cc07)

Hah! Love that one!

I just passed on buying a homeopathic (arnica) in favor of an herbal alternative (bromelain).
The whole idea behind the water having some "memory" of a prior chemical is just too far.

Have there been any studies that show positive results for homeopathic medicine?


Arnica is typically found as a herbal remedy.  It's also used in classic homeopathy, but the gels and rubs you find in most stores do contain the plant itself.  I've not seen much evidence that it does anything, though.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on October 08, 2014, 12:06:48 AM
I'll have to say that I didn't get the joke until water memory was mentioned.  I looked it up and read about it for the first time.  Obviously I don't know much about homeopathy.  Strange stuff.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 08, 2014, 01:05:50 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on October 07, 2014, 11:53:34 PM
Arnica is typically found as a herbal remedy.  It's also used in classic homeopathy, but the gels and rubs you find in most stores do contain the plant itself.  I've not seen much evidence that it does anything, though.

Yes - seems like the topical formula for Arnica does at least have the plant in it, and may be good for some aches and pains.
But it's toxic to take internally (not that there's any in the homeopathic version anyway)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 11, 2014, 08:53:21 PM
Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.

The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 12, 2014, 03:35:53 AM
^ ^ ^
I love your jokes and I always share them. However, I'm definitely NOT sharing this "joke" because I don't think there's anything funny about child sexual abuse.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on October 12, 2014, 05:04:26 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on October 12, 2014, 03:35:53 AM
^ ^ ^
I love your jokes and I always share them. However, I'm definitely NOT sharing this "joke" because I don't think there's anything funny about child sexual abuse.

I shared it. Dark jokes are the best.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on October 12, 2014, 07:57:32 AM
Another dark joke, this one was very popular 16 years ago in the Netherlands.

Marc Dutroux (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marc_Dutroux) and Michel Jackson are taking a cruise together. The are sitting at the diningtable when they hear the captain making the announcement: "The ship is sinking. All people to the lifeboats. Women and children first." Dutroux jumps up and says "Fuck the children". Jackson looks up and says "Do we still have enough time for that?".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 12, 2014, 08:03:00 AM
I give up.  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on October 12, 2014, 08:29:26 AM
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on October 12, 2014, 07:53:55 PM
How long does it take to microwave a baby?

I dunno either - I was too busy jerking off.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 12, 2014, 09:36:26 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 07, 2014, 11:04:37 PM
An extended hospital stay, I think, not the Darwin Award.
The Darwin Ward perhaps?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 12, 2014, 10:05:53 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 12, 2014, 09:36:26 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 07, 2014, 11:04:37 PM
An extended hospital stay, I think, not the Darwin Award.
The Darwin Ward perhaps?
Possibly the Lamarck Ward?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 12, 2014, 11:17:03 PM
Alfred Russel Wallace Ward?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on October 13, 2014, 05:59:16 AM
Ooooh, that one was dark Tom  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on October 13, 2014, 06:10:47 AM
Quote from: Icarus on October 13, 2014, 05:59:16 AM
Ooooh, that one was dark Tom  ::)

Thanks! I know even darker ones, but I'm not sure if they'll be appreciated.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 13, 2014, 06:58:35 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 12, 2014, 11:17:03 PM
Alfred Russel Wallace Ward?
Could be  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 13, 2014, 09:50:13 AM
Quote from: Tom62Thanks! I know even darker ones, but I'm not sure if they'll be appreciated.

Go on, try them out!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 13, 2014, 01:33:42 PM
So you'll lock a thread because of some GIF's, but supposed "jokes" about raping children gets a smiley emoticon? 
I find that somewhat disturbing, possibly others do here as well? I'm not sure.

So I ask when does  "dark" humor go to far, is there a proverbial line which can be crossed or is it basically anything goes, no limits or subject to disgusting to make light of because it's all simply a joke? 

For example if I was to tell a joke regarding the aforementioned subject of child rape, which apparently some folks find humorous, and in the description of the joke I were to mention in some detail the actual physical and violent acts that take place during the rape of a seven or eight year old child, would this still be allowed, would I cross the line, is it still funny?
What if I took it further, and described the child's screams of horror and pain?
Is this still funny, does even this cross the line, lock the thread, get me banned?

Probably not, because at the end there would be still be that punch line, which would make all of these disturbing, horrific images meaningless and irrelevant, and they would just lay there forgotten, sort of like a comatose patient, who's ability to consent to sex is deemed unnecessary so long as the rest of us can laugh at their expense.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 13, 2014, 01:51:48 PM
The Gif's are/were a technical issue.

If you feel we should discuss the matter of inappropriate material for jokes it's perfectly acceptable to raise the matter here Forum Suggestions (http://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/index.php?board=11.0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on October 13, 2014, 02:20:37 PM
From the rules:

QuoteWORK FRIENDLY:  Keep forum content work friendly. For instance, if an image you want to post is not appropriate for a work environment then link to the image rather than placing the image in your post.

I would say that this should be enforced for text too, images are just cited as an example. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 13, 2014, 02:26:58 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on October 13, 2014, 02:20:37 PM
From the rules:

QuoteWORK FRIENDLY:  Keep forum content work friendly. For instance, if an image you want to post is not appropriate for a work environment then link to the image rather than placing the image in your post.

I would say that this should be enforced for text too, images are just cited as an example. 

This part of the rules does specifically deal with images as they can be seen by people in a work place when a page is viewed. If this extended to written text there are plenty of US offices that would consider pro-atheist discussion as unacceptable. As I have said if joke content needs to be moderated please start a thread about it in the Forum Suggestions where we can all express an opinion and come to a consensus.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 13, 2014, 04:59:24 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec0.pinimg.com%2F236x%2F8f%2F3b%2Fa1%2F8f3ba1921698d2a2832e40e833cf55ac.jpg&hash=6a88df602226a08a7280ff2c976c6a7894138d36)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 13, 2014, 05:27:48 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi59.tinypic.com%2F2rh1t7a.png&hash=def8bbbbe0926cf99b1e44257e3ac2e684c341f1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on October 13, 2014, 06:12:15 PM
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seatbelt
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on October 14, 2014, 12:27:24 AM
Bruno; you are a sensitive man. I respect you for that, whether I agree with you or not.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 14, 2014, 12:35:42 AM
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 14, 2014, 02:18:30 PM
^^^ good punchline!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 14, 2014, 02:34:38 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fviz.co.uk%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F09%2F1623719_730059720388811_8896821683908462768_n.png&hash=7e1d89136173c4f25eb028294bcc805e2c2cd63f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 14, 2014, 10:21:45 PM
 I prefer dogs to cats I must admit, but Naughty Old Git.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on October 14, 2014, 11:55:26 PM
Git you are in trouble. Books and a few other kitty people are going to give you some lip I expect.  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 15, 2014, 09:51:36 AM
Ooh, I didn't expect that!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 16, 2014, 03:44:00 AM
The Asmo, however, approves. And He is The Asmo, so He counts as... Plenty.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 16, 2014, 02:04:20 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10678858_789516734425604_3282047378784875349_n.jpg?oh=4b3e7bb3c117fef0eb0ea6ac1e6fbd49&oe=54A9E9C7&__gda__=1420570230_1ca1a3ba1c2eda4480f7daff5c936db0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 16, 2014, 02:44:16 PM
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/5402_10151663766552744_745202030_n.jpg?oh=a87e8323be7d8f6393ecce18f7003f04&oe=54BCEA24)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 16, 2014, 06:27:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaily42.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F07%2Fproblem-about-being-programmer-milk-eggs.png&hash=cd794342c785a2074b918e5c3d970c56eddfd3e5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on October 16, 2014, 06:45:05 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/1964998_1079738922055560_3862752303352254618_n.jpg?oh=109bd326f76ecbd846058431637cb88c&oe=54BA2320&__gda__=1425411271_a6bf5f651a18d56109516c5cf40bcfd9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on October 16, 2014, 06:46:27 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10678811_947676645253347_5299347798631232381_n.jpg?oh=c0673d63d85a52310d1f0f68c7bcaf82&oe=54BAFD3B&__gda__=1420776167_2dbbff97e2098d371df4cc407ed007e8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 16, 2014, 07:42:15 PM
Hilarious jokes - this thread is such a tonic - especially loved the Escher joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 16, 2014, 07:47:25 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.saynotocrack.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2008%2F06%2Fdriver.jpg&hash=3f804257910ecc8264d1de5299b08313e4ce4c6e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Jolly Sapper on October 17, 2014, 05:15:13 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on October 16, 2014, 06:27:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaily42.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F07%2Fproblem-about-being-programmer-milk-eggs.png&hash=cd794342c785a2074b918e5c3d970c56eddfd3e5)

The lack of punctuation at the end of the command on line 3 should have thrown an error that needed to be corrected before he would have been able to execute.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 17, 2014, 03:26:42 PM
Little Johnny was playing outside in the garden one day when he pulled a worm from
it's wormhole. Johnny's grandfather, who had seen the whole incident approached
Johnny with a devious grin upon his face. He placed a $10 bet with Johnny that Johnny
wouldn't be able to put the wriggly worm back into it's hole. Johnny gleefully accepted
the wager and proceeded to the house with the worm in his hand. It wasn't long until
Johnny came back from inside the house and carefully threaded the worm back into it's hole.
His grandfather gazed in awe at this amazing feat and told Johnny that he would give him
the $10 if Johnny explained to him exactly how he managed to thread the worm back into it's hole.
Johnny proceeded to tell his grandfather about how he sneaked into his sister's room
and covered the worm with his sisters hair spray until the worm was rock hard so that
he could simply thread the worm back into it's hole.

His grandfather duly honored his word and handed the money over to Johnny.

The next morning Johnny was out playing in the garden again when his grandfather
gleefully approached him and handed him a crisp ten dollar bill, but Johnny being the
honest young lad that he was, handed the money back to his grandfather and told
his grandfather that he had already paid him yesterday.

His grandfather replied; "Yes but this is from your grandmother".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 17, 2014, 03:31:06 PM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10698485_10152440297891700_4637634134098022661_n.jpg?oh=f18638421779119de39ac8e6ad8713e6&oe=54B20F5F)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 18, 2014, 02:01:15 AM
Quote from: Jolly Sapper on October 17, 2014, 05:15:13 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on October 16, 2014, 06:27:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaily42.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F07%2Fproblem-about-being-programmer-milk-eggs.png&hash=cd794342c785a2074b918e5c3d970c56eddfd3e5)

The lack of punctuation at the end of the command on line 3 should have thrown an error that needed to be corrected before he would have been able to execute.
No manner of semicolons after string declarations. How is an Asmo even to understand that?!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 18, 2014, 02:19:30 AM
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on October 18, 2014, 08:22:15 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 18, 2014, 02:01:15 AM
Quote from: Jolly Sapper on October 17, 2014, 05:15:13 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on October 16, 2014, 06:27:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaily42.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F07%2Fproblem-about-being-programmer-milk-eggs.png&hash=cd794342c785a2074b918e5c3d970c56eddfd3e5)

The lack of punctuation at the end of the command on line 3 should have thrown an error that needed to be corrected before he would have been able to execute.
No manner of semicolons after string declarations. How is an Asmo even to understand that?!  >:(

And no proper indentation either!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 18, 2014, 08:25:01 AM
Proof that pedants with mild OCD make the best programers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 18, 2014, 07:49:04 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on October 18, 2014, 08:22:15 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on October 18, 2014, 02:01:15 AM
Quote from: Jolly Sapper on October 17, 2014, 05:15:13 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on October 16, 2014, 06:27:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdaily42.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F07%2Fproblem-about-being-programmer-milk-eggs.png&hash=cd794342c785a2074b918e5c3d970c56eddfd3e5)

The lack of punctuation at the end of the command on line 3 should have thrown an error that needed to be corrected before he would have been able to execute.
No manner of semicolons after string declarations. How is an Asmo even to understand that?!  >:(

And no proper indentation either!  >:(
I am disturbingly used to that at this point :-(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 19, 2014, 01:51:17 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10626610_10152479651272054_875814739818645111_n.jpg?oh=7902d8f14675bd0b641ba440cb4c9668&oe=54B06814)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 19, 2014, 08:07:39 PM
^ ^ ^
That's funny!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 20, 2014, 03:35:47 AM
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 20, 2014, 09:37:50 PM
Quote from: Tank on October 17, 2014, 03:26:42 PM
Little Johnny was playing outside in the garden one day when he pulled a worm from
it's wormhole. Johnny's grandfather, who had seen the whole incident approached
Johnny with a devious grin upon his face. He placed a $10 bet with Johnny that Johnny
wouldn't be able to put the wriggly worm back into it's hole. Johnny gleefully accepted
the wager and proceeded to the house with the worm in his hand. It wasn't long until
Johnny came back from inside the house and carefully threaded the worm back into it's hole.
His grandfather gazed in awe at this amazing feat and told Johnny that he would give him
the $10 if Johnny explained to him exactly how he managed to thread the worm back into it's hole.
Johnny proceeded to tell his grandfather about how he sneaked into his sister's room
and covered the worm with his sisters hair spray until the worm was rock hard so that
he could simply thread the worm back into it's hole.

His grandfather duly honored his word and handed the money over to Johnny.

The next morning Johnny was out playing in the garden again when his grandfather
gleefully approached him and handed him a crisp ten dollar bill, but Johnny being the
honest young lad that he was, handed the money back to his grandfather and told
his grandfather that he had already paid him yesterday.

His grandfather replied; "Yes but this is from your grandmother".

It took me a while ......
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 21, 2014, 08:06:13 AM
Quote from: Tank on October 18, 2014, 08:25:01 AM
Proof that pedants with mild OCD make the best programers.
I'm surprised they haven't complained about how you wrote programer instead of programmer (both are correct). I'm also shocked that they haven't said anything about the capital letters, and the excessive use of the exclamation mark to indicate shouting on the last sentence. One should've been enough to indicate the strong feeling behind the statement. I'm guilty of doing the same thing--sometimes. The joke says, "Bring six eggs." There's only four in the picture.

I'm not one of those pedants with mild OCD, or a programer, but all these things are obvious...right?  :-\  Yes?  No? (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femoticons%2Fno%2Fno-way-smiley-emoticon.gif&hash=69343498de706e30683fb98f16decd785168cea6)


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femoticons%2Fyellow-hd%2Fin-disbelief-smiley-emoticon.gif&hash=71dc54d67af4351ae55ee110e49bea9a989c7075) Oh, my Asmo! Being a programmer is not contagious...is it?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on October 21, 2014, 03:34:13 PM
Check your temperature.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 22, 2014, 06:50:19 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/t1.0-9/558752_338384822950578_878251974_n.jpg?oh=03e796533ab86fa76bc1ece9156fd83c&oe=54B971CA)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 24, 2014, 05:48:17 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10641103_980190991995468_1448251831919707946_n.jpg?oh=eecba8f236ac47252ec714faba3af41c&oe=54F4E2BA&__gda__=1425407499_1ac61403eefe82c4bd62a62304dcc5a8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 24, 2014, 08:50:31 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fr2-store.distractify.netdna-cdn.com%2Fpostimage%2F201409%2F10%2F8f86863311d0ce32e528db4f6dcf147e.gif&hash=0e37a538d08779fe0d6acc43a1d5991750b0f0d6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on October 24, 2014, 09:02:44 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 20, 2014, 09:37:50 PM
It took me a while ......

Me, too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 24, 2014, 09:13:20 PM
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on October 24, 2014, 09:02:44 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 20, 2014, 09:37:50 PM
It took me a while ......

Me, too.
Use more hair spray (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg710.imageshack.us%2Fimg710%2F9922%2Frimshot.gif&hash=77d5ac078a921ed7ff6be629eed7a4f2ac98bb10)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 24, 2014, 09:26:59 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.laughandlike.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F01%2F7.png&hash=1d36908f07af55f0e26cbee83d5d89ccd8d5d9e8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 27, 2014, 06:39:02 PM
I was telling a  girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she  said, "Go on then...try."

After about  thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 29, 2014, 11:02:10 PM
Quote from: OldGit on October 27, 2014, 06:39:02 PM
I was telling a  girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she  said, "Go on then...try."

After about  thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."
Priceless!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tsun Tsu on October 31, 2014, 05:28:29 PM
The difference between a light bulb and your pregnant girlfriend?  You can unscrew the light bulb
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 31, 2014, 07:05:04 PM
Quote from: Tsun Tsu on October 31, 2014, 05:28:29 PM
The difference between a light bulb and your pregnant girlfriend?  You can unscrew the light bulb


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg710.imageshack.us%2Fimg710%2F9922%2Frimshot.gif&hash=77d5ac078a921ed7ff6be629eed7a4f2ac98bb10)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 31, 2014, 10:32:36 PM
When asked whether she would rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's, the elderly woman said,

"Parkiinson's. I'd rather spill some of the wine down me than forget where I put the bottle."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tsun Tsu on October 31, 2014, 10:52:25 PM
Rodney Dangerfield :  I tell ya I never get any respect. My Proctologist stuck his hand down my throat and my dentist numbed my ASS
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 01, 2014, 05:18:31 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 31, 2014, 10:32:36 PM
When asked whether she would rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's, the elderly woman said,

"Parkiinson's. I'd rather spill some of the wine down me than forget where I put the bottle."

:D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 01, 2014, 01:00:25 PM
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 05, 2014, 08:47:48 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/13050_740825609331795_7637365886007913568_n.jpg?oh=c0f61de73cbb874ac7d1a6857eab0139&oe=54F37A4D&__gda__=1424748064_49d4bd083cfbc0ea44889962ab679c6d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 05, 2014, 08:50:53 AM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/1476587_740839609330395_3487492165377460042_n.jpg?oh=52214deeab126fbd12ea0739e3494f3e&oe=54F0C11C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 05, 2014, 09:55:55 AM
^Uncomfortably close to real life. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 05, 2014, 10:33:05 AM
Quote from: OldGit on November 05, 2014, 09:55:55 AM
^Uncomfortably close to real life. ;D
Yes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 05, 2014, 05:39:07 PM
If Jose wasn't there, who would be digging? My guess is the Project Manager. Who would be next?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on November 05, 2014, 06:05:58 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on November 05, 2014, 05:39:07 PM
If Jose wasn't there, who would be digging? My guess is the Project Manager. Who would be next?

A new Jose. The supervisor tells the project manager that Jose has done one, they will then talk to the HR manager and they will get their staff to get a replacement or give the go ahead for the project manger to get somebody they want.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 05, 2014, 06:22:06 PM
...Or they could do this:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmKk3aZ3.gif&hash=6bfba8b21130a9f3bfbdbaa1f99b74d30f03319f)
It takes nine men to do Jose's job? Wow!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 05, 2014, 11:55:52 PM
Might be more truth than poetry Mags.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 06, 2014, 12:02:35 AM
Quote from: Icarus on November 05, 2014, 11:55:52 PM
Might be more truth than poetry Mags.
Yes, unfortunately.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 07, 2014, 10:48:38 PM
Some Far Side Strips to welcome the weekend with.
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi59.tinypic.com%2F2ey8kr9.jpg&hash=2f256ad582c6c84b1f82d691ca1fe9cb7e238b2a)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.tinypic.com%2F14pteg.png&hash=4a53a442925b009a12f5e056d69e8ba7c8a805b1)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.tinypic.com%2F246j28z.jpg&hash=8c278627d9338b22e616648794c47c689f3ad46a)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.tinypic.com%2F15flpa0.jpg&hash=962d1d7ac95fe8d397f5f1f589124676f241531c)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi58.tinypic.com%2F11j6jpz.jpg&hash=e3bf96bc6e6843a8bb06705866c44be5432ba278)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi59.tinypic.com%2F25tb3tu.jpg&hash=c728629aa37e5b7f489b2c2e29c93bd03ce632c6)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2Fv41oj8.jpg&hash=cd33adae816aaac67c5a81d8662cf663eb56e9c0)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi58.tinypic.com%2F2i16kh.jpg&hash=9f7539028a86d046d229286e5d71e0523509801b)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2F331lsms.jpg&hash=0b0524bdd4c986b8e5a64a12fa10e2a32558d2d4)

And my favorite....
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi60.tinypic.com%2Fw2g8r6.gif&hash=d59bce1f4bc606d67e4b0afc5fe3888dc08a347c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 07, 2014, 11:54:02 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/s526x395/10354169_10152882879024602_766181157403676567_n.jpg?oh=5e3588e2f12b096468dfeb4741bf8123&oe=54E6D915&__gda__=1424466628_78301b826cec2cec17da711a5290dbe2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 08, 2014, 01:40:58 AM
Thanks, Bruno!

Used to love the Farside.

Here's a few more:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Fe7%2F9d%2F11%2Fe79d1187b8ce3465f923bd0111daaede.jpg&hash=52e2551aad49966bb7d63bd8e9f8185877ca89aa)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Faimeeblack.com%2FFluids%2520Talk%2Fimages%2Fcrisis%2520clinic.gif&hash=eaa9c9f17d76ac8c4a3f29b3d9e2749097209a56)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv517%2Fhoppy84%2Ffarside1.gif&hash=c88b31b8d5e722802a7bfffcba1330e4753556c1)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgwb.blob.core.windows.net%2Fsoyouknow%2FWindows-Live-Writer%2F88e2bd3488b0_DCB4%2Fimage_18.png&hash=f702b1706c35a5e5cc9981c6df537c001e55f21e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 08, 2014, 02:42:56 PM
Quote from: joeactor on November 08, 2014, 01:40:58 AM
Thanks, Bruno!

Used to love the Farside.

Here's a few more:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ec0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Fe7%2F9d%2F11%2Fe79d1187b8ce3465f923bd0111daaede.jpg&hash=52e2551aad49966bb7d63bd8e9f8185877ca89aa)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Faimeeblack.com%2FFluids%2520Talk%2Fimages%2Fcrisis%2520clinic.gif&hash=eaa9c9f17d76ac8c4a3f29b3d9e2749097209a56)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv517%2Fhoppy84%2Ffarside1.gif&hash=c88b31b8d5e722802a7bfffcba1330e4753556c1)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgwb.blob.core.windows.net%2Fsoyouknow%2FWindows-Live-Writer%2F88e2bd3488b0_DCB4%2Fimage_18.png&hash=f702b1706c35a5e5cc9981c6df537c001e55f21e)
Yeah, Gary Larson's always been a favorite of mine, and my friends. Years ago a group of us had a softball team, and the name of our team was the "Midvale Scholars".
Plus "Teathercat" should be a real thing.

(Have to look and see if I can find some pictures of our old softball team)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 09, 2014, 05:20:34 PM
Socorro (My wife) and I were talking last night about getting old, what with me turning fucking 50 earlier this week, and one comment she had was she really hopes I don't develop Alzheimer's one day.
But she said if god forbid I do at least she can look forward to telling me, "Honey I gave you one last night".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 09, 2014, 09:18:52 PM
That's wicked Bruno!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 10, 2014, 02:20:16 AM
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 10, 2014, 09:05:04 AM
^ ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 13, 2014, 07:54:13 PM
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.







Here are the winners:
-------------------------------------------------
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.(This one got extra credit)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:




1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish man.





 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 13, 2014, 09:57:14 PM
^^^^ ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D^^^^

Those are good Icky.

I think I want to become a Frisbeetarian, and maybe I can get Gerry to play with me?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on November 13, 2014, 10:18:23 PM
Bloody funny, (especially when I'd looked up proctologist).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 14, 2014, 05:40:52 AM
That's funny Icarus!  ;D
My favorite: 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 14, 2014, 10:31:58 AM
Some of those are priceless, Icarus.  Over here there is a legendary radio comedy quiz show which does a round of those every week as "The Uxbridge English Dictionary".

Examples:
Manganese  A condition affecting the leg joints of Japanese comic artists.
Mastiff  A group of young men watching a porn film.
Rambling Tacky jewellery for sheep.
Denial  A river in Egypt.

For Essie May - Proctologist  A pain in the arse.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on November 14, 2014, 12:54:36 PM
Bless you Barry Crier... :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 14, 2014, 02:14:59 PM
Yesterday evening I started play in a new racquetball league, each match is a best of three. I playing against an opponent I hadn't played against before, in fact we had never met before last night.

I won the first game, and although the final score was 15-11, it wasn't as close a game as it would appear from the score. I knew I could beat him, but used the game to warm up and work on my soft serve.

After the first game we stepped outside the court to take a break, and since we didn't know each other we used the time to introduce ourselves to each other, which included talking about what line of work we are both in. Come to find out he is a lawyer.

So then went and played the second game, and I beat him 11-0, and as we came off the court you could see the sadness on his face as we took our seats outside the court, and he looked at me and said, "Jesus what the hell happened between the first and second game that you would give me such a thrashing, I thought after playing the first game that I had a chance to beat you and maybe even the score up a bit"?

I replied, "When we played the first game I didn't know you were a lawyer"!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 14, 2014, 02:54:50 PM
Quote from: OldGit on November 14, 2014, 10:31:58 AM
Some of those are priceless, Icarus.  Over here there is a legendary radio comedy quiz show which does a round of those every week as "The Uxbridge English Dictionary".

Examples:
Manganese  A condition affecting the leg joints of Japanese comic artists.
Mastiff  A group of young men watching a porn film.
Rambling Tacky jewellery for sheep.
Denial  A river in Egypt.

For Essie May - Proctologist  A pain in the arse.

Reminds me of Rich Hall's "Sniglets" (words that should be in the dictionary, but aren't)

My fave was "Cinemuck - n. The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters."

More are here:
http://bertc.com/subfour/truth/sniglets.htm
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 14, 2014, 09:02:03 PM
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 15, 2014, 05:18:46 AM
^^Good One^^

So every year, for many years this group of guys go hunting in Michigan at the beginning of hunting season. One year about a week before they were to head up to deer camp one of the guys, whose name was Bob, told the other guys he wasn't going to be able to make it up to camp for hunting season that year.

The rest of the fellows couldn't believe it, "What they said, what do you mean you can't make it, you've made it up to hunting camp every year for the past 20 years, what the hell is going on Bob"?

"Well, said Bob, Things aren't going that well at home right now with the misses, and she's pretty adamant that I stay home with her this year rather than go hunting, it's either that or divorce".

So the week goes by, and the remaining group of buddies head north to their deer camp, somewhat dejectedly without their good friend Bob

However, to their surprise as they pull up to camp in the early morning hours, they find a nice warm fire going, and a large pot of strong hot coffee, with full platters of eggs, and bacon, along with a large cooler of cold beer, and a ready flask of George Dickle Whisky.

And there sitting by the fire happy as can be is their good buddy Bob.

"Bob" they exclaim, "What the hell are you doing here, we thought you had to stay home with the wife"?

"Well", said Bob, "Its a funny thing. I have to admit I wasn't none to happy about not being able to come up here with you fellows, and I was just moping around the house sad as can be, and the wife I guess she felt bad for me, so she said, "Bob, I really appreciate you staying home with me this time rather than going hunting with your friends so I went ahead and made you your favorite dinner, along with your favorite homemade apple pie".

"Well boys", said Bob, "I have to tell you that was about the best dinner and pie I ever had, and admit I was starting to feel better about staying home", and then the wife she brought out and poured me a glass of my favorite beer along with a shot of good whisky, put my feet up on the stool, removed my shoes and lit me a damn fine expensive cigar".

Some time later she goes and calls me out to our bedroom, and when I walk in I find she has literally covered the bed with the sweetest smelling rose petals you can imagine, while soft, romantic music is playing on the stereo, and there laying upon the bed, amongst the rose petals, dressed in the cutest, sexiest bit of lingerie I've ever laid my eyes upon is my darling wife, and I'm here to tell you fella's I don't think she ever looked any prettier, or sexier than she did right than at that time.

As I come over to the bed, an kneel beside it she pulls out these long, satin sashes and says' to me, "Now Bob why don't you go ahead and tie me to the bed you old rascally stud muffin". So I do, I tie both her hands and legs to the bedpost of the bed, and then she says to me in the sweetest, and sexiest voice I've ever heard, "Now go on and do what ever you want".

"So here I am"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 15, 2014, 11:54:08 AM
I like it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 17, 2014, 06:56:29 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/533831_10151166751691909_802616267_n.jpg?oh=cf3b1de9d2e0d0e253f96e287309fdf5&oe=551C8473)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on November 17, 2014, 09:09:08 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 17, 2014, 06:56:29 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/533831_10151166751691909_802616267_n.jpg?oh=cf3b1de9d2e0d0e253f96e287309fdf5&oe=551C8473)
I love it.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 18, 2014, 12:06:28 AM
^ Me too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on November 18, 2014, 04:27:08 AM
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

I can't stop laughing at this.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 18, 2014, 05:46:16 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10483639_10152207739276824_4213895619450962890_n.jpg?oh=1a766534e16fc4c90a2a9b21eee7328f&oe=54DB0C50&__gda__=1427539503_f50910fcd745be50e5343548ce177597)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on November 18, 2014, 08:55:13 PM
Hah! ^  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 18, 2014, 09:06:08 PM
^^  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 18, 2014, 09:49:23 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10357233_1536894003194196_786278531510355554_n.jpg?oh=498cc128dffcb4c46720eeb5602de997&oe=5511B257)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 18, 2014, 09:51:56 PM
^
;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on November 18, 2014, 10:15:35 PM
Haha, you're posting gold, Tank.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 20, 2014, 09:04:59 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1779946_809002672475778_1567156844813763503_n.jpg?oh=5382ebe01199a3dfd37b602304274df1&oe=55115C0C&__gda__=1427579597_a47fe3734adc94375e94e2c88410fe5a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 20, 2014, 09:11:31 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/s526x395/10259739_10152453399296112_2127183803769905407_n.png?oh=de5697eac9f1206cacfb3f5844fff20c&oe=54D3F3C8&__gda__=1427600499_61533ede0b666d2537bdbcfe668f9fde)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 20, 2014, 08:23:44 PM
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 21, 2014, 01:45:33 AM
OOOH! That one is ugly G85. I liked it.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 21, 2014, 09:48:53 AM
Good one, G85. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 21, 2014, 03:34:36 PM
How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 21, 2014, 03:35:51 PM
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 21, 2014, 03:36:49 PM
What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 21, 2014, 04:54:42 PM
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 21, 2014, 05:25:10 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 21, 2014, 03:36:49 PM
What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.
Then what do you call a handcuffed man who also happens to be an experienced liar?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 21, 2014, 05:31:49 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on November 21, 2014, 05:25:10 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 21, 2014, 03:36:49 PM
What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.
Then what do you call a handcuffed man who also happens to be an experienced liar?

A married man, at a Holiday Inn.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 21, 2014, 06:08:30 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on November 21, 2014, 05:31:49 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on November 21, 2014, 05:25:10 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 21, 2014, 03:36:49 PM
What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.
Then what do you call a handcuffed man who also happens to be an experienced liar?

A married man, at a Holiday Inn.
LOL!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 21, 2014, 08:08:38 PM
Nice comeback.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 21, 2014, 11:14:39 PM
All of us learn from you Asmo.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 22, 2014, 09:30:49 AM
Two young blokes were talking in a bar.  One was moaning, "I wish my girlfriend didn't want so much sex.  She never stops, day or night and I'm hollow-eyed for lack of sleep."

An old bloke who was listening in said, "Simple - just marry her.  That'll put a stop to all that nonsense."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 23, 2014, 03:43:42 AM
^^^
;D  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 23, 2014, 02:31:15 PM
Paddy Fitzgerald had worked in a timber yard for five years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

He told the priest. "Father, it's five years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the timber yard all that time."

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

Fitzgerald said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the timber!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on November 24, 2014, 02:34:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages1.tickld.com%2Flive%2Farticles%2Fa_1045_20141119152957.jpg&hash=8377a9e0c24ad4fc5109e1c916a15783c7e2d217)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 24, 2014, 03:57:19 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/v/t1.0-9/946735_10152112510940987_650541994_n.jpg?oh=ca1c0f0034ab165ce38cdde6a75676d5&oe=54DF85BE&__gda__=1427113196_41b02c5568de68d32c44f84c3c1a7205)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on November 25, 2014, 11:30:51 PM
I can always rely in HAFfers when I need a good laugh.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 26, 2014, 02:11:43 AM
Staying with the animal theme.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9t7jF0a.jpg&hash=cb8904ccfd2fc5a4630260754ca94bcdc1b160ea)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9arWsHn.jpg&hash=1475f42e64a2ef215fe528155a0cb42b0e24906e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 26, 2014, 04:20:08 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F19diwNt.gif%3F1&hash=6c2abd41ecb7a8e0f38e5921d1e9941ca3e5822a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 26, 2014, 05:29:25 AM
^ ??? People over 60 never use those devices of the devil.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 26, 2014, 11:27:29 AM
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 26, 2014, 05:35:39 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10435743_967513256610445_7311934112527521231_n.jpg?oh=c50b371febc17c7fa22ee531ec243505&oe=54D5AC7C&__gda__=1427758020_b445cd1e11bf08648ca5e6466527caa5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 27, 2014, 01:09:17 AM
^^ ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 27, 2014, 04:47:54 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FxRBXIVs.jpg&hash=1f6c37964e7eabf526cdbdb2f66fe1d4844461ab)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 27, 2014, 05:21:41 PM
Generally, they are easy enough to understand. There is a lot of litterature on the subject as well. Where there is will, there is a way, so I think what they are really doing is they are drinking beer until they get some will.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on November 27, 2014, 06:14:36 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on November 27, 2014, 05:21:41 PM
Generally, they are easy enough to understand. There is a lot of litterature on the subject as well. Where there is will, there is a way, so I think what they are really doing is they are drinking beer until they get some will.

You will never understand the subtle signals especially when the vast majority of men can't actually see them. If you can read them then cool you will probably be able to understand why your female friend is in a mood with you for what seems like no fucking reason and it should be obvious and not tell you because you should know and then acts like a total bell end for a month.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 27, 2014, 08:03:50 PM
Well, I'm good at reading people and situations. Also, not too bad at manipulating them to my advantage, although I prefer not to.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 27, 2014, 09:18:36 PM
The wise and powerful Asmo is sadly deluded if he believes that he understands the female psyche.  Most of the ladies are wired in a way that is beyond the ken of male creatures. I think that is part of the reason that we find them so fascinating ..... and we love 'em.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 28, 2014, 01:42:17 AM
He can. I'm sure the psychologists among you can relate, even if the romantics can not.

Personally, I do not find females one iota more fascinating than males. I do not love them - or anybody, really - in general, even though I have had my share of crushes, and sex is... Just sex. Many women like that with no strings attached, same as I do. All in all, I really have no agenda when it comes to women (for that matter, men and "other" as well), and that... Uncomplicates things.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 28, 2014, 09:40:46 AM
Sheep often get moody, as well.  I'll never understand them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 28, 2014, 10:06:08 AM
Oh, come on! Now you are just poking at The Asmo! Sheep?! Sheep are utterly, completely uncomplicated. If you have worked with them at all, you should be able to understand them easily. Their motivations are really basic.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 28, 2014, 05:31:26 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10423804_1022181154466122_7202290342452647948_n.jpg?oh=3e6dced8347d7ceeb831f4268bd505e1&oe=552072B1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 28, 2014, 05:35:40 PM
HA!  :D Because they are all Kiwi, yes?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 28, 2014, 06:44:01 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on November 28, 2014, 05:35:40 PM
HA!  :D Because they are all Kiwi, yes?  :D
Yes!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on November 28, 2014, 09:36:20 PM
See! The Asmo knows!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on November 28, 2014, 10:29:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi60.tinypic.com%2F14w3sp0.jpg&hash=629437dd11d05b619fb2f9d0d0fdc65b9a4206af) I bought this Christmas card for my friend today. Don't know why tinypic has turned it sideways).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on November 29, 2014, 04:10:54 AM
Quote from: Tank on November 28, 2014, 05:31:26 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10423804_1022181154466122_7202290342452647948_n.jpg?oh=3e6dced8347d7ceeb831f4268bd505e1&oe=552072B1)
Cute and funny
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 29, 2014, 07:24:36 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on November 28, 2014, 10:29:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi60.tinypic.com%2F14w3sp0.jpg&hash=629437dd11d05b619fb2f9d0d0fdc65b9a4206af) I bought this Christmas card for my friend today. Don't know why tinypic has turned it sideways).

That's a good card Essie ;D




I had similar issues with Tinypic turning images and always being required to enter the media code with practically every upload, so I switch to Imgur (http://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/index.php?topic=13642.msg296076#new) after asking everyone here at HAF what imaging site they used. So far I like it much better.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on November 30, 2014, 12:12:24 AM
Thks for the tip.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on December 02, 2014, 10:37:30 PM
"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!"
― George Carlin
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 03, 2014, 02:41:35 AM
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 03, 2014, 02:46:47 AM
^  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 03, 2014, 02:25:05 PM
Hilarious
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 04, 2014, 08:59:05 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10613083_866252946740370_345443247561905281_n.jpg?oh=425a6a90f0029b523fa79873f433d5d3&oe=5510D802&__gda__=1427303243_de35647b7ddfb5d1ebe82d0ceb11546b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 04, 2014, 09:24:07 AM
And he was right! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 04, 2014, 02:35:58 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 04, 2014, 08:59:05 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10613083_866252946740370_345443247561905281_n.jpg?oh=425a6a90f0029b523fa79873f433d5d3&oe=5510D802&__gda__=1427303243_de35647b7ddfb5d1ebe82d0ceb11546b)

LOL :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 04, 2014, 04:22:01 PM
Good one Tank^^ ;D


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSaGWdu8.jpg&hash=13c22d4f4ddf5d75c5a53f4f92c0ddce875d8a80)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 04, 2014, 04:37:31 PM
Quote from: Bruno on December 04, 2014, 04:22:01 PM
Good one Tank^^ ;D


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSaGWdu8.jpg&hash=13c22d4f4ddf5d75c5a53f4f92c0ddce875d8a80)

Didn't I tell you already: NO KILLING OF MAGIC REINDEER  >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 04, 2014, 04:39:55 PM
Imagine what Santa must be thinking: Reindeer pulled sleds are so last century, maybe it's time I got a jet instead. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 04, 2014, 04:42:53 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on December 04, 2014, 04:37:31 PM
Quote from: Bruno on December 04, 2014, 04:22:01 PM
Good one Tank^^ ;D


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSaGWdu8.jpg&hash=13c22d4f4ddf5d75c5a53f4f92c0ddce875d8a80)

Didn't I tell you already: NO KILLING OF MAGIC REINDEER  >:( >:( >:(

I'm sorry, Eric made me do it. :'(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 05, 2014, 01:22:54 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10628596_10152424117142027_242560218623252890_n.jpg?oh=290638568c8e7eee6f897185a07d4857&oe=550CFB38&__gda__=1427122575_63ba038660f475f164f87ac5eb1a0f0b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 05, 2014, 02:22:58 PM
^^ I love that feeling as well^^ ;D ;D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FgjRpgLq.jpg&hash=05daee8ce1c77439a102806f5dd479a0bb0e9c38)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 06, 2014, 04:13:08 PM
^ :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 06, 2014, 08:21:37 PM
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that fucking wall!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 06, 2014, 10:07:53 PM
Don't get it.  :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 07, 2014, 12:03:55 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on December 06, 2014, 10:07:53 PM
Don't get it.  :(
False causality.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 07, 2014, 09:57:25 AM
Quote from: AsmodeanDon't get it.  :(

You've never been married. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 07, 2014, 11:09:34 AM
Quote from: OldGit on December 07, 2014, 09:57:25 AM
You've never been married. :D
True. Likely never will be. I'm not the type.

Quote from: Guardian85 on December 07, 2014, 12:03:55 AM
False causality.
Ah! That makes sense. Because the husband appears to be uneducated, foolish or both, he thinks that bumping the casket caused his wife not to be buried like he wanted last time, yes?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 08, 2014, 07:25:28 PM
Newlyweds decide to spend their honeymoon at a posh golf resort. At one hole the husband makes a beautiful long drive, 250 yards, but the ball comes to rest next to a caretaker shed.
"Ah' crap" he says, "I'll have to take a drop here, the sheds in my way of my shot to the green"
But his new wife responds back to him, "Honey you don't have to do that, look there's doors on both ends of the shed, and it empty. We can open both doors and you can hit straight through to the green"!

"That's brillant", said the husband, "So glad I married you".

So they open the doors on both ends as the wife suggests, the husband lines up his shot, and he hits the ball, but it glances off the metal frame of the shed, bounces back with considerable force, strikes his new wife in the head and she drops dead.

Years have past and the husband has finally remarried, he and his new wife decide to spend their honeymoon at the same posh golf resort he had gone to before.
On the very same hole as before he hits another beautiful 250 yard drive, with his ball coming to rest right next to the same shed.

"Ah' crap" he says, "I'll have to take a drop here, the sheds in my way of my shot to the green"
But his new wife responds back to him, "Honey you don't have to do that, look there's doors on both ends of the shed, and it empty. We can open both doors and you can hit straight through to the green"!

"Nah", he say's, "I'll just the drop, the last time I tried that shot I took a double bogey"!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 08, 2014, 08:41:10 PM
^I don't get it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 08, 2014, 08:59:54 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on December 08, 2014, 08:41:10 PM
^I don't get it.
I presume, he cared more for his golf score than he did for the wife he killed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 08, 2014, 09:21:48 PM
Quote from: Davin on December 08, 2014, 08:59:54 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on December 08, 2014, 08:41:10 PM
^I don't get it.
I presume, he cared more for his golf score than he did for the wife he killed.

It means he kept playing the first time even after the first wife dropped dead.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on December 09, 2014, 08:08:26 AM
Quote from: Bruno on December 08, 2014, 09:21:48 PM
Quote from: Davin on December 08, 2014, 08:59:54 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on December 08, 2014, 08:41:10 PM
^I don't get it.
I presume, he cared more for his golf score than he did for the wife he killed.

It means he kept playing the first time even after the first wife dropped dead.

The downside of attempting the through the shed shot last time was dropping two shots, not his wife.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 09, 2014, 05:55:27 PM
Quote from: Bruno on December 08, 2014, 09:21:48 PM
Quote from: Davin on December 08, 2014, 08:59:54 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on December 08, 2014, 08:41:10 PM
^I don't get it.
I presume, he cared more for his golf score than he did for the wife he killed.

It means he kept playing the first time even after the first wife dropped dead.

Thanks
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 09, 2014, 06:36:01 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on December 09, 2014, 05:55:27 PM
Quote from: Bruno on December 08, 2014, 09:21:48 PM
Quote from: Davin on December 08, 2014, 08:59:54 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on December 08, 2014, 08:41:10 PM
^I don't get it.
I presume, he cared more for his golf score than he did for the wife he killed.

It means he kept playing the first time even after the first wife dropped dead.

Thanks

New rule: No more golf jokes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 10, 2014, 01:24:24 AM
 ;D


A man stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and it was driving his partner absolutely nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking you so long? Just hit the blasted ball."
The man answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it" his partner says, "you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on December 10, 2014, 07:25:19 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJSUE8ej.gif&hash=00f9461374fe88baeaedbab74a4217b842ab2739)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 10, 2014, 12:59:31 PM
That girl makes me sort of angry, didn't she know that the rat (or is it a hamster?) would be thrown into the air like that? I hope it didn't get too hurt on its way down. Doesn't look like she caught it...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 10, 2014, 01:26:36 PM
I hope it bit her.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 10, 2014, 03:11:06 PM
 :o She shall be tortured by vast hordes of Asmos ratties in the sewers of The Gray Realm FOREVER.  >:( HE. HATH. SPOKEN!!!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 10, 2014, 03:22:34 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on December 10, 2014, 12:59:31 PM
That girl makes me sort of angry, didn't she know that the rat (or is it a hamster?) would be thrown into the air like that? I hope it didn't get too hurt on its way down. Doesn't look like she caught it...

I'm guessing she probably didn't.  I once attended a science fair where there were all sorts of exhibits set up to illustrate various forces and elasticity and motion.  Very few of my peers got any of it. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 10, 2014, 05:14:51 PM

Quote from: Dobermonster on December 10, 2014, 07:25:19 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJSUE8ej.gif&hash=00f9461374fe88baeaedbab74a4217b842ab2739)

The first time I saw this I giggled. Ok I'm lying, I actually laughed. Not out of cruelty to the little hamster, but just the situation itself (I hope it wasn't hurt).
I'm sure she envisioned the hamster sort of hanging onto the top of the ball as it bounced around the room, so clearly she has no grasp yet on basic physics.
This would lead us to beleive she is an American, most likely from the mid-west, probably Ohio.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 10, 2014, 06:05:00 PM
Gray sewer. >:( Torture. >:( FOREVER. >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 10, 2014, 06:58:39 PM
An American  businessman visits Japan for the first time. On the evening, before his appointment with his Japanese client, he decides to have some fun and goes to a brothel. While having sex, the prostitute keeps shouting "間違った穴". Wow, the businessman thinks, that must mean that I'm really doing a great job.

The next day, the businessman and his client play some golf after their meeting. At the third hole, the client hits a hole in one. Trying to please his client, the businessman shouts "間違った穴".  The Japanese guy looks up and says "What do you mean with the wrong hole?".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 11, 2014, 08:26:24 AM
NSFW!!! Nothing nude but you might get in trouble for dissolving into laughter, 2 minutes and 30 seconds of unmitigated hilarity "Story Time" (https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152906114621411). 


Which one are you?
I am the embarrassing father in the super market
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 11, 2014, 10:35:08 AM
They met at the old folks' club and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
   
Maude was thinking: 'if I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 11, 2014, 11:19:59 AM
Quote from: Tank on December 11, 2014, 08:26:24 AM
NSFW!!! Nothing nude but you might get in trouble for dissolving into laughter, 2 minutes and 30 seconds of unmitigated hilarity "Story Time" (https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152906114621411). 


Which one are you?
I am the embarrassing father in the super market
Didn't get through all of them. The host was giving me a head ache.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 11, 2014, 05:49:38 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZs23wTJ.jpg&hash=158ccf0f33399a11b2b36fbef5b16b8640163602)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on December 12, 2014, 07:59:26 AM
Quote from: Dobermonster on December 10, 2014, 07:25:19 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJSUE8ej.gif&hash=00f9461374fe88baeaedbab74a4217b842ab2739)

I know the poor hamster got hurt but I-just can't-stop-LAUGHING!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on December 12, 2014, 08:02:21 AM
It is one of those "I should really feel bad for laughing but I can't stop watching that over and over" things.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 12, 2014, 09:55:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSKnWUUQ.gif&hash=b5ce504cfdfe9f65e9b619ff49e57dcca3dc7d9c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 12, 2014, 11:30:39 PM
^ ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 15, 2014, 08:02:20 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 11, 2014, 08:26:24 AM
NSFW!!! Nothing nude but you might get in trouble for dissolving into laughter, 2 minutes and 30 seconds of unmitigated hilarity "Story Time" (https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152906114621411). 

Which one are you?
I am the embarrassing father in the super market

Reminds me of:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USqZsdn_qzM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 15, 2014, 11:17:03 PM
^ :D LOL
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 16, 2014, 08:07:24 PM
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies, "GREAT trade!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 16, 2014, 08:30:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi977.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fae260%2Feurashal-mach%2FSmiley-Facepalm.gif&hash=a8464c872a9b1ae77a48f5a62974072446694768)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-laughing002.gif&hash=a2ed08e712fb056f5c22ac3ce68e37929be228c7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 17, 2014, 01:11:11 AM
I've got one:

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are going through Scotland by train. They pass a field with one single, black sheep on it. "Look at that", says the engineer, "in Scotland, the sheep are black!"
"No, no", says the physicist, "actually we only know that there is at least one black sheep in Scotland."
"This is also not true", argues the mathematician. "All we know is that there is at least one black sheep which is black on at least one side!"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 17, 2014, 01:22:44 AM
^ ;D  I especially like the mathematicians retort.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 17, 2014, 08:30:52 AM
Gerry reminds me of the engineer.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 17, 2014, 06:50:28 PM
A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 18, 2014, 02:19:49 PM
The seeds of Atheism are often planted when we are young ;D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F4dqtuER.gif&hash=232a882199f04b4fee9f3a3c96bd336bbc01d2e0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on December 19, 2014, 12:28:35 AM
How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Extermin-eight!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on December 19, 2014, 08:25:57 AM
Quote from: NoHandlebarsAttached on December 19, 2014, 12:28:35 AM
How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Extermin-eight!

;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 19, 2014, 12:14:27 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on December 17, 2014, 01:11:11 AM
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are going through Scotland by train. They pass a field with one single, black sheep on it. "Look at that", says the engineer, "in Scotland, the sheep are black!"
I resent the implication that we would jump to a conclusion like that, and that that would be the conclusion. This engineer would have said, if anything (Contingent on the argument below), "Look at that! In Scotland, there are black sheep"

Quote
"This is also not true", argues the mathematician. "All we know is that there is at least one black sheep which is black on at least one side!"
It's either a black sheep, or it is black on one side. Also, why assume that they only see the sheep from one side? Not from behind? Not from the front? Not at an angle?

Quote from: NoHandlebarsAttached on December 19, 2014, 12:28:35 AM
How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Extermin-eight!
..? I don't follow. Why does it take eight of those whatdidyoucallthems?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 19, 2014, 06:48:44 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B4fit80IYAAy4P5.jpg:large)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on December 19, 2014, 08:12:55 PM
I'm incorporating that into my lingo.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 24, 2014, 03:35:09 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10153708_1026117574080336_398220383779433461_n.jpg?oh=3d9f18e1bdba43e7724f1d3cc6deb40b&oe=553E513C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on December 24, 2014, 04:11:00 PM
^^
;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 24, 2014, 04:42:06 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 24, 2014, 03:35:09 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10153708_1026117574080336_398220383779433461_n.jpg?oh=3d9f18e1bdba43e7724f1d3cc6deb40b&oe=553E513C)

Merry consumerism and a happy new debt. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on December 24, 2014, 04:44:54 PM
^ ^
;D
Much better.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 24, 2014, 04:59:34 PM
^^Very good^^
;D ;D

Here's two jokes for the price of one:

It's Christmas Eve and a customer who was in a bar all day had to use the bathroom. He had been in there for a while when he started to scream and yell. One of the the barmaids reluctantly goes into the bathroom to check on him. "Sir, what are you yelling and screaming about in here. You're scaring our customers"?

He looks up at her from his seat and says, "Every time I flush the toilet, something bites my balls!"

"Sir" she replies, "Would you please get up off the mop bucket."


A mafioso's young son is sitting at his desk, writing a Christmas letter to Jesus.
First he writes, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

Then he gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear Baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on December 24, 2014, 05:16:09 PM
Quote from: Bruno on December 24, 2014, 04:59:34 PM
A mafioso's young son is sitting at his desk, writing a Christmas letter to Jesus.
First he writes, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

Then he gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear Baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
Ha!  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 24, 2014, 05:50:02 PM
Quote from the venerable philosopher Feng Ho-Chin:

?It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence?.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 24, 2014, 05:57:53 PM
Holiday Travel Pics.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1i0YaAm.jpg&hash=b4310753508d030bfafcf11e65dec55a30ca35b8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 25, 2014, 08:23:15 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10885444_10152458818371790_4348160757985852538_n.jpg?oh=819e9b132a358d80881fea4f53420105&oe=553211F0&__gda__=1430709990_8fff6598933aa86e3650235419db7975)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 25, 2014, 09:27:55 PM
That's... A leg. A toe would be... Smaller, somehow. (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fyoursmiles.org%2Fmsmile%2Fthink%2Fm1703.gif&hash=e1a2dd4dfb09e5f57185a80f86a06008bfd30605)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 28, 2014, 12:29:51 AM
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her ? Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ?Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ?incident?, she asks, ?what is the price of this Lovely bracelet??

He answers, ?Madam ? if you farted just looking at it ? you?re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!?

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 28, 2014, 12:49:29 AM
Oh! that one is too good to waste, Bruno. I have copied it and given it to my wife who works in an upscale jewelry store.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 28, 2014, 10:13:12 AM
The farting jokes are the best, every time.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on December 28, 2014, 10:55:51 AM
Quote from: OldGit on December 28, 2014, 10:13:12 AM
The farting jokes are the best, every time.

Not every time, they're mostly crap.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 28, 2014, 02:25:04 PM
I might have known you'd follow through on that one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 29, 2014, 12:12:01 AM
Are you trying to provoke me?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 29, 2014, 05:45:47 PM
No, E-M. Sorry! :-[
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 29, 2014, 08:42:52 PM
Speaking of farting (Thanks Essie ;D)

So the other day my future son-in-law and I were out at the market buying produce, and we came across this lovely basket of "Sunchokes". He thought it would be a good idea to get some, as we could shred them and saut? them like hash browns for breakfast.
They turned out really good, and everyone liked them a lot as they went well with out breakfast on Saturday morning of eggs, bacon, avocado and tomatoes.

"Sunchokes"  are also commonly known as "Jerusalem artichokes", but some refer to them as "the Fartichoke (http://www.thekitchn.com/why-you-might-want-to-take-it-slow-with-sunchokes-bon-appetit-186516)".

Now I didn't really have any discomfort from these, neither did the future son-in-law (FSL), nor did my son or daughter. However, my wife really had an issue with these, as Saturday afternoon I received a text from her that read, " OMG, I have been farting all day long at work and can't stop, I'm so embarrassed".

We hadn't mentioned to her that Sunchokes can cause gas, needless to say she wasn't very happy with me for leaving that little detail out when we were having them for breakfast.

She's mad at me for this, even madder because I thought it was funny...but it's definitely worth being in trouble over!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 30, 2014, 08:52:20 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10406621_866875553355399_5031664684087504339_n.jpg?oh=bc71a06907858fd054af91b32fab8040&oe=5535C741&__gda__=1429526903_b00275b1080b228af22b79653687604d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 30, 2014, 09:24:05 AM
Q: What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 30, 2014, 09:25:39 AM
Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them. Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"

So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?" As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it... In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints... Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!" Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 30, 2014, 12:55:28 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 30, 2014, 08:52:20 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10406621_866875553355399_5031664684087504339_n.jpg?oh=bc71a06907858fd054af91b32fab8040&oe=5535C741&__gda__=1429526903_b00275b1080b228af22b79653687604d)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.zaazu.com%2Fimg%2Fclap-animated-animation-clap-smiley-emoticon-000340-design.gif&hash=69fe4f98d35b83d49817afbac97b5295163bee22)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on December 30, 2014, 05:12:41 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on December 30, 2014, 09:24:05 AM
Q: What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.


Lol, so true.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 30, 2014, 08:11:06 PM
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 30, 2014, 08:40:33 PM
Quote from: joeactor on December 30, 2014, 08:11:06 PM
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.
Some of us are only too happy to get our hands dirty on occasion though.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 30, 2014, 08:53:15 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fclint_zpsac94d2da.jpg&hash=cb90ef588a0a42ecc147b6a5ccf6c0ac4c64b9da) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/clint_zpsac94d2da.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 30, 2014, 09:15:48 PM
Quote from: joeactor on December 30, 2014, 08:11:06 PM
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Probably from the same source:

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 31, 2014, 02:44:24 AM
Quote from: Tom62 on December 30, 2014, 09:15:48 PM
Quote from: joeactor on December 30, 2014, 08:11:06 PM
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Probably from the same source:

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q: How many support call center guys does it take to change a light bulb?

I'll need you to read me the serial number of the light bulb.
Have you tried turning it off and on?
Give me a few minutes while I research your issue.
Are you sure you didn't buy a dark bulb instead?
Let's find out if your bulb is still under warranty...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 31, 2014, 08:43:00 AM
The laws of ultimate reality:

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre..

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 31, 2014, 10:23:24 AM
^ :D Good ones!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 31, 2014, 10:27:59 AM
Quote from: Tank on December 31, 2014, 08:43:00 AM
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Usually not, in my experience. In any case, what would be the problem with this if it were accurate?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 31, 2014, 11:47:06 AM
A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her. A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."
The barman looks her up and down and says, "First off, it's bartender, not barfender. Second off, it's martini, not marhini. And third, you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 31, 2014, 02:23:36 PM
Tank... Don't forget "Cole's Law":
A salad of shredded raw cabbage and sometimes shredded carrots, dressed with mayonnaise or a vinaigrette.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 31, 2014, 06:56:37 PM
^^^ Hehe
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on January 01, 2015, 06:07:34 PM
Quote from: Bruno on December 29, 2014, 08:42:52 PM
Speaking of farting (Thanks Essie ;D)

So the other day my future son-in-law and I were out at the market buying produce, and we came across this lovely basket of "Sunchokes". He thought it would be a good idea to get some, as we could shred them and sauté them like hash browns for breakfast.
They turned out really good, and everyone liked them a lot as they went well with out breakfast on Saturday morning of eggs, bacon, avocado and tomatoes.

"Sunchokes"  are also commonly known as "Jerusalem artichokes", but some refer to them as "the Fartichoke (http://www.thekitchn.com/why-you-might-want-to-take-it-slow-with-sunchokes-bon-appetit-186516)".

Heartfelt thanks for sharing that Bruno, and to you Old Git and

Now I didn't really have any discomfort from these, neither did the future son-in-law (FSL), nor did my son or daughter. However, my wife really had an issue with these, as Saturday afternoon I received a text from her that read, " OMG, I have been farting all day long at work and can't stop, I'm so embarrassed".

We hadn't mentioned to her that Sunchokes can cause gas, needless to say she wasn't very happy with me for leaving that little detail out when we were having them for breakfast.

She's mad at me for this, even madder because I thought it was funny...but it's definitely worth being in trouble over!
Quote from: OldGit on December 28, 2014, 10:13:12 AM
The farting jokes are the best, every time.

Heartfelt thanks for sharing this Bruno, and to you OG for encouraging him. (Mind you, still rofl over the cake)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 01, 2015, 09:16:57 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/377201_302716173091176_1221523787_n.jpg?oh=b570c73568b37f7d330bb537c9ea76c8&oe=552680DC&__gda__=1428953101_8d6958cd10f34f0cde4387e8585255c6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 03, 2015, 11:40:19 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10384279_10152350239479735_8488862467622149992_n.jpg?oh=78ecf5ea2914eab50bb0e17abac2ea96&oe=5530AED2&__gda__=1428525703_6af9ea17229afc5784444a05465ad1fa)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 04, 2015, 12:55:55 AM
^ Seriously? :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 04, 2015, 01:35:27 AM
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 04, 2015, 01:50:45 AM
^ ROFL . 

G85 where in hell do you get all that humor that fits so well with the English language and American psyche?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 04, 2015, 01:59:27 AM
Quote from: Icarus on January 04, 2015, 01:50:45 AM
^ ROFL . 

G85 where in hell do you get all that humor that fits so well with the English language and American psyche?
50% internet.  50% dirty mind.  8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 04, 2015, 08:34:09 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on January 04, 2015, 12:55:55 AM
^ Seriously? :D
I suspect the US market and the inevitable lawsuits. The Asmo's outfit is not selling to the US for that very reason, and probably never will.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on January 04, 2015, 08:57:45 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on January 04, 2015, 08:34:09 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on January 04, 2015, 12:55:55 AM
^ Seriously? :D
I suspect the US market and the inevitable lawsuits. The Asmo's outfit is not selling to the US for that very reason, and probably never will.

You are right. A quick search on the Internet shows countless examples (http://www.oddee.com/item_88437.aspx) of stupid American warning labels.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 04, 2015, 10:20:05 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on January 04, 2015, 08:34:09 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on January 04, 2015, 12:55:55 AM
^ Seriously? :D
I suspect the US market and the inevitable lawsuits. The Asmo's outfit is not selling to the US for that very reason, and probably never will.

:o Asmo is scared of American lawyers?
Bruce, time for a coup?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 05, 2015, 09:50:03 AM
Quote from: Tank on January 04, 2015, 10:20:05 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on January 04, 2015, 08:34:09 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on January 04, 2015, 12:55:55 AM
^ Seriously? :D
I suspect the US market and the inevitable lawsuits. The Asmo's outfit is not selling to the US for that very reason, and probably never will.

:o Asmo is scared of American lawyers?
Bruce, time for a coup?  ;D
No, I have little patience for the apparent stupidity of the American end consumer. Fortunately, so do the people I work with/for.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 06, 2015, 08:42:14 AM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/l/t1.0-9/10404097_10152568472895197_1996769499335656009_n.jpg?oh=c2cc5a77e2d4e488840d61adc423cd71&oe=55432A14)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 06, 2015, 11:07:35 PM
More doggies.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5QJ07tp.jpg&hash=562828fa268e869cf2e69765bc04fa5ea2f88f6c)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1vKFy9f.jpg&hash=1975fde78233c036fda560d3b3b2e6661825f5db)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 09, 2015, 06:31:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1369.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fag223%2Fpablo628%2FMobile%2520Uploads%2F2015-01%2FIMG_50202254662886_zps4zjojszz.jpeg&hash=a1a08098824b388e203cb675764f0a6bd6d89ee9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 09, 2015, 07:40:49 PM
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 10, 2015, 02:42:23 PM
on the same theme as OG:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.laughness.com%2Fmedia%2Fimages%2F6%2F613.e68d1ccaf48bedf42583b406c77ad681.gif&hash=2a8878babd9a7d6b35be08b61497dc4eaecc876f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 10, 2015, 07:27:29 PM
Why do sailors keep marines onboard their ships?
Because they are easier to care for than sheep.

I was going to enlist in the Marines before I joined the Army, but I failed the physica. Couldn't get my head out of the jar.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 10, 2015, 09:23:20 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on January 10, 2015, 07:27:29 PM
Why do sailors keep marines onboard their ships?
Because they are easier to care for than sheep.

I was going to enlist in the Marines before I joined the Army, but I failed the physica. Couldn't get my head out of the jar.
Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Essential.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Saspian on January 11, 2015, 05:46:19 AM
It's the Roman Games round 200CE and a little boy is crying.
"Don't be upset dear" says his Mum "the lions aren't hurting the Christians too much".
"Its not that" wails the kid, "one lion hasn't got a Christian"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 11, 2015, 10:27:03 AM
Quote from: Saspian on January 11, 2015, 05:46:19 AM
It's the Roman Games round 200CE and a little boy is crying.
"Don't be upset dear" says his Mum "the lions aren't hurting the Christians too much".
"Its not that" wails the kid, "one lion hasn't got a Christian"
LOL! That's evil.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 12, 2015, 08:48:09 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10430473_1409015679391612_6280094148293524109_n.jpg?oh=c13110c0d00f653f88e18a4951bdc64d&oe=556537AD)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 12, 2015, 10:23:50 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/1013613_1409016026058244_8814722447865987888_n.jpg?oh=a4bff9cd15caf224568862be9be2d4b7&oe=55688CDD&__gda__=1429217644_8813946df2f1a364006cc7d380b68350)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 12, 2015, 11:49:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 12, 2015, 08:48:09 PM
(https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10430473_1409015679391612_6280094148293524109_n.jpg?oh=c13110c0d00f653f88e18a4951bdc64d&oe=556537AD)
I thought air force was not essential to their military doctrine..?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 13, 2015, 07:37:41 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10933970_1397435460556580_1471305804096448627_n.jpg?oh=3baf1756aac81f9b885497cda3b2e832&oe=5564EC77&__gda__=1428747592_79cff9151382c4872d25214f13df2ec8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 13, 2015, 02:32:23 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 13, 2015, 07:37:41 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10933970_1397435460556580_1471305804096448627_n.jpg?oh=3baf1756aac81f9b885497cda3b2e832&oe=5564EC77&__gda__=1428747592_79cff9151382c4872d25214f13df2ec8)
Mississipi jokes.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Mississippi burned down?
It almost took out the whole trailer park.

What's the most popular pick up line in Mississippi?
Nice tooth!

Why are there so many unsolved murders in Mississippi?
There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA.

Why do folks from Mississippi go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.

And my favorite.

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them
say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again. I
come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives, "
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell *'Mississippi'."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 13, 2015, 02:43:56 PM
(https://scontent-b-ams.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t31.0-8/10924254_846331865430315_5121021916640537669_o.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 13, 2015, 09:54:05 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10882306_696651833765946_9207121005369905089_n.jpg?oh=8097766b66c70e18555f3dd4a05e0a0a&oe=55395DB2&__gda__=1428635246_26c9c827c1eab744a008ee731fffaa5b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on January 13, 2015, 10:39:24 PM
Four Lions is a brilliant film. Satire at its best.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 14, 2015, 12:17:00 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on January 13, 2015, 02:43:56 PM
(https://scontent-b-ams.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t31.0-8/10924254_846331865430315_5121021916640537669_o.jpg)

Spelling; Raze, not raise the bar..............................did I get that right?  Help!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 14, 2015, 12:29:17 AM
Necromancers raise dead things to undeath. 'Least that's my thinking.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 14, 2015, 03:39:14 AM
HIRED!! (http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/pet/4842776649.html)

I don't think its a joke, because that was pretty much my gig, but it doesn't fit anywhere else.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 16, 2015, 02:58:04 AM
^^ I wonder if they did get any customers?

Here are some pet funnies.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmiC75QU.jpg&hash=31a3f86b5e66c8c9a35e4eeb5100b909bf682660)


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1OFRFK2.jpg&hash=d5ce118d201d1527ca7af6f8c21ff9256a6556ff)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 16, 2015, 04:48:26 PM
Prayer for Senility:

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 16, 2015, 05:23:10 PM
^^^
Funny, Bruno, very funny.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 16, 2015, 07:35:31 PM
A devout Arab Muslim got into a cab in
London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off
the radio because as decreed by his religious
teaching, he must not listen to music because
in the time of the prophet there was no
music, especially Western music,which is the
music of the infidel.The cab driver politely
switched off the radio,stopped the cab and
opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked
him,"What are you doing??? The cabbie
answered, "In the time of the prophet there
were no taxis, no bombs, no plane hijacks, no
west invented loud speakers in mosques that
woke up newly born , elderly n d sick at
unearthly hours, no suicide attacks, no RDX,
no AK 47, only ''peace'' everywhere. So
shutup and wait for a camel."

credit: Soji Fajemirokun
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Saspian on January 16, 2015, 09:29:33 PM
The good little girl said 'it's hard to be good'
The bad little girl replied 'it has to be hard to be good'....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 16, 2015, 11:57:33 PM
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard.  She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 17, 2015, 06:38:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FRPCJ4FG.jpg&hash=abb1168d00e9e968c5bff42c36945314dafb58c6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 17, 2015, 06:57:33 PM
A water-based heat sink. Inventive.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 19, 2015, 08:34:33 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10857964_833023136741488_7600895376697493181_n.jpg?oh=e1bceea692031efe0934be8e3efcff92&oe=5526A569)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 19, 2015, 02:34:56 PM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10702_477879045700263_4345031295343667715_n.jpg?oh=5406ff3d520d6e4b0c8c21487b44e496&oe=5520CDCF)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 19, 2015, 05:08:09 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 19, 2015, 08:34:33 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10857964_833023136741488_7600895376697493181_n.jpg?oh=e1bceea692031efe0934be8e3efcff92&oe=5526A569)
Acute--joke.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 19, 2015, 10:52:14 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10363828_1040267419321158_6761953290683817658_n.jpg?oh=42cca7be447b2aa8e0ab0c781adb5e2b&oe=5568EDEC&__gda__=1429283283_cbf2cb25cd0f9dbc087e900aa9e42584)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 20, 2015, 12:28:58 AM
I like that one Tank.  8)

Do you have Hooters restaurants in Merry Olde England? 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 20, 2015, 07:58:55 AM
Quote from: Icarus on January 20, 2015, 12:28:58 AM
I like that one Tank.  8)

Do you have Hooters restaurants in Merry Olde England? 
Not that I'm aware of.

I Googled it.

Yes we do. (http://www.hootersnottingham.co.uk/photo-gallery_53_3.html) ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 20, 2015, 10:30:47 AM
Quote from: Tank on January 20, 2015, 07:58:55 AM
Quote from: Icarus on January 20, 2015, 12:28:58 AM
I like that one Tank.  8)

Do you have Hooters restaurants in Merry Olde England? 
Not that I'm aware of.

I Googled it.

Yes we do. (http://www.hootersnottingham.co.uk/photo-gallery_53_3.html) ;D
Guess we know where he is going.....  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 20, 2015, 07:43:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FO9xfGoX.jpg&hash=1b1f7ba19893acff38547f7cf1456639583ead00)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 21, 2015, 03:44:32 AM
^ Husky speciality, that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on January 21, 2015, 03:53:12 AM
So that's where he learned it.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi258.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fhh242%2Fnotanumber_photo%2Fchristmas201212.jpg&hash=7a1ea2cf0676e2104da1b6d7d22d49fa8764a49c) (http://s258.photobucket.com/user/notanumber_photo/media/christmas201212.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on January 21, 2015, 04:00:32 AM
I've seen lots of dogs do it, but -all- of my Huskies do it.  I had a blue-eyed foster... Blue eyed dog's pupils go red when their blood pressure rises.  So middle of the night I'd go downstairs to use the bathroom, which was next to the room his crate was in.  He'd hear me and get excited, I'd flip the light on, and there he is staring at me, nose mashed, full teeth and red glowing eyes.  We adored eachother and it was still freaky. 

I'd have kept him, except he was a wicked resource guarder and my male hated him for it.  They could only be together outside, off lead.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 21, 2015, 07:05:54 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10915159_1398677790432222_8289742037548719439_n.jpg?oh=eeff80e1172fb4f1e7302f8e519ca2e3&oe=55284214)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 21, 2015, 04:38:25 PM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10940451_1401946466772021_4310497972102098260_n.jpg?oh=b233aa17ead5222288020a914f4d7a5d&oe=55675B88)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 21, 2015, 06:24:56 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 21, 2015, 07:05:54 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10915159_1398677790432222_8289742037548719439_n.jpg?oh=eeff80e1172fb4f1e7302f8e519ca2e3&oe=55284214)
There are two though, no? As in plural, yes?  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 22, 2015, 09:40:02 AM
Banned for confusing a poor old git.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 22, 2015, 04:48:30 PM
Y..! GET OVER TO THE BAN THREAD, you old... Git, you!!!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 22, 2015, 05:42:04 PM
Banned for yelling at OldGit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 22, 2015, 06:40:33 PM
He is God. He doethn't yelleth - He commandeth.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 22, 2015, 06:54:28 PM
Yeah, but don't you use that really authoritative "God (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUm6rC0o7Po)" voice?  Like thy one in the "Ten Commandments" (With C. Heston)?

Or is your voice more like Pee Wee Hermans (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVFB4lKjIQU)?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 22, 2015, 07:41:18 PM
^ ^
;D  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 22, 2015, 07:45:26 PM
The voice on the burning bush clip is even sillier, IMHO.  They've just slowed the tape down a bit. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 22, 2015, 11:30:17 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on January 22, 2015, 06:54:28 PM
Yeah, but don't you use that really authoritative "God (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUm6rC0o7Po)" voice?  Like thy one in the "Ten Commandments" (With C. Heston)?

Or is your voice more like Pee Wee Hermans (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVFB4lKjIQU)?

Depends. For commanding particualrly troublesome Old Gits, for instance, The Asmo usually goes with a stern nursing home staff voice.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on January 23, 2015, 12:23:35 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on January 22, 2015, 11:30:17 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on January 22, 2015, 06:54:28 PM
Yeah, but don't you use that really authoritative "God (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUm6rC0o7Po)" voice?  Like thy one in the "Ten Commandments" (With C. Heston)?

Or is your voice more like Pee Wee Hermans (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVFB4lKjIQU)?

Depends. For commanding particualrly troublesome Old Gits, for instance, The Asmo usually goes with a stern nursing home staff voice.  :D

"Now, Mr Asmo, if you won't stop flinging your peas at Luxembourg there won't be any high-protein chocolate nutritional drink later."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 23, 2015, 12:26:49 AM
Something like that, only more overworked and underpaid.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 23, 2015, 10:22:05 AM
Quote"Now, Mr Asmo, if you won't stop flinging your peas at Luxembourg there won't be any high-protein chocolate nutritional drink later."

;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 29, 2015, 10:51:17 PM
Paleontologists have recently discovered Pterodactyls made absolutely no sound when they were peeing, they believe this ability developed overtime in order to make them stealthier, and thus better hunters.

Of course we know this is true because the "P" is silent.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on January 29, 2015, 11:17:15 PM
Groan ..... That's enough, I'm turning in now.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 30, 2015, 09:58:45 AM
Sir Bruno, that joke is so bad that I have to laugh! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 30, 2015, 07:58:59 PM
One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"

"But if you fuck one goat......."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 31, 2015, 12:26:26 AM
^^ ;D ;D^^

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F6uLjPwa.jpg&hash=7b7cfaff1138d0d549f7f3aeaeca21b69bb864f3)


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 31, 2015, 02:42:54 AM
That one was really bad G85. I liked it  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 01, 2015, 09:45:40 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10426554_879700155406013_1527056725080234965_n.jpg?oh=ddb17cb72b8e449fb5e133687aa698e8&oe=555A0494&__gda__=1430999806_93c0a31f6ecdeda4eca66c895020588d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 02, 2015, 12:51:28 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages-cdn.9gag.com%2Fphoto%2FaAVdBY0_700b.jpg&hash=70306da69f0a8a33e16f4ffe2f75ec9240370b61)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 02, 2015, 09:08:07 AM
 ^ ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 02, 2015, 09:02:12 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 01, 2015, 09:45:40 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10426554_879700155406013_1527056725080234965_n.jpg?oh=ddb17cb72b8e449fb5e133687aa698e8&oe=555A0494&__gda__=1430999806_93c0a31f6ecdeda4eca66c895020588d)

Yes, but did they use the mic as a sex toy? Hm?! Did they?!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 05, 2015, 05:24:11 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B6h_6nyIcAAH9WI.jpg:large)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on February 05, 2015, 10:57:12 PM
Hilarious!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 05, 2015, 11:11:01 PM
Quote from: OldGit on February 05, 2015, 05:24:11 PM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B6h_6nyIcAAH9WI.jpg:large)

That's strange, by the look of it I thought it was a cup of "Twinings English Breakfast Tea".  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Queen on February 06, 2015, 09:54:01 AM
Quote from:  The formerly "Sir" BrunoThat's strange, by the look of it I thought it was a cup of "Twinings English Breakfast Tea".  

Orf with his head.  Again.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 06, 2015, 01:11:06 PM
Robert Mugabe falls over. (http://www.buzzfeed.com/hayesbrown/mugabe-got-me-straight-tripping)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 06, 2015, 01:16:36 PM
Once again in my life I found myself battling addiction, this time it wasn't alcohol or drugs,... but the "Hokey Pokey."

Fortunately I was able to "Turn Myself Around".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 06, 2015, 03:22:12 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-0/1618650_10153642315380476_148701814258880031_n.png?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=43bbbd070635a5a198561ed0137af622&oe=55594A57&__gda__=1431829470_baef39ee99d8bb7d97176c62496db816)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on February 06, 2015, 10:48:53 PM
Quote from: OldGit on February 06, 2015, 01:11:06 PM
Robert Mugabe falls over. (http://www.buzzfeed.com/hayesbrown/mugabe-got-me-straight-tripping)

I really did laugh out loud. I liked the one with him on the back of Putin's horse best, but also the dance scene.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on February 06, 2015, 10:50:52 PM
As for you Sir B, you're a Murrikin, so what do you know about tea?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 06, 2015, 11:23:47 PM
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 07, 2015, 01:51:07 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on February 06, 2015, 10:50:52 PM
As for you Sir B, you're a Murrikin, so what do you know about tea?


Well, Missy Essie Mae, I know that typical English tea is usually too frothy, like it came from a vending machine, an old vending machine :P

Just kidding, both here and my joke below about the Twining Breakfast Tea ;D

I love tea actually... grew up drinking Earl Grey. My parents were both coffee drinkers, and we were allowed to drink coffee as kids, but in the afternoon and evening my mother always made tea.
My Nana only drank tea, and was very strict with regards to how she prepared it and had a lovely, porcelin tea set including a tea stand which my oldest sister inherited.
When I would stay sometimes with her and my grandfather she would make such a fuss in the afternoon preparing tea for us, along with some wonderful snacks.
Grandpa insisted on coffee, though he would still sneak a snack or two.
She would make us sit in the front parlor to drink it, never in the kitchen. She said we needed a time in the day to relax and ease both our mind and bodies.
She said the best way to do this was with a nice cup of tea, and casual conversation.

The last thing my mother bought me before she died was a little tea caddy for my desk at work, which I still used to this day (It was a stocking stuffer at Christmas).
In fact I feel quite proud of introducing different teas to the office. When I first started working there all they had to drink were those dreadful Lipton Tea Bags, now we have a decent selection of black and green teas, both loose and bag.

When my daughter visits she'll either browse through my tins of tea, and pick one out for us to share a pot of or surprise me with something she's brought with her.

Maybe some day when I visit the UK we can go out for tea together?

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 07, 2015, 08:14:58 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on February 06, 2015, 11:23:47 PM
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

I don't get it... How does stock trading help do that?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 07, 2015, 10:16:02 AM
On December 16, 1773 the Murrikins realised that tea was for putting into water.  Since then they have also found out (i) that you don't need as much water as there is in Boston Harbour, (ii) that it's better if the water is hot and (iii) that you don't absolutely have to dress up as a Red Indian to make it.

I'd say that's pretty good progress in 242 years; maybe now we Brits can teach them the finer points. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 07, 2015, 10:58:27 AM
...Like tea being better with sugar in it than salt?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 07, 2015, 12:22:50 PM
Exactly, O Grey One.  And you should take it out of the tea chest before dispensing.  Don't worry, some of these Murrikins are quite ingenious; give 'em another couple of centuries and they'll get it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 07, 2015, 12:30:51 PM
...So how many years will it take for the US-made components in The Asmo's Opels to be as good as the German-made ones, you think? He's been waiting for that for a long, long time.  :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 07, 2015, 02:03:21 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 07, 2015, 08:14:58 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on February 06, 2015, 11:23:47 PM
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

I don't get it... How does stock trading help do that?  ???
IRS = tax collector.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 07, 2015, 06:05:32 PM
No, it's an international retail service...

...Or are you being all American or some such..?

...You are!

Should have specified that it was the other IRS you were talking about then.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on February 07, 2015, 08:30:57 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on February 07, 2015, 01:51:07 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on February 06, 2015, 10:50:52 PM
As for you Sir B, you're a Murrikin, so what do you know about tea?


Well, Missy Essie Mae, I know that typical English tea is usually too frothy, like it came from a vending machine, an old vending machine :P

Just kidding, both here and my joke below about the Twining Breakfast Tea ;D

I love tea actually... grew up drinking Earl Grey. My parents were both coffee drinkers, and we were allowed to drink coffee as kids, but in the afternoon and evening my mother always made tea.
My Nana only drank tea, and was very strict with regards to how she prepared it and had a lovely, porcelin tea set including a tea stand which my oldest sister inherited.
When I would stay sometimes with her and my grandfather she would make such a fuss in the afternoon preparing tea for us, along with some wonderful snacks.
Grandpa insisted on coffee, though he would still sneak a snack or two.
She would make us sit in the front parlor to drink it, never in the kitchen. She said we needed a time in the day to relax and ease both our mind and bodies.
She said the best way to do this was with a nice cup of tea, and casual conversation.

The last thing my mother bought me before she died was a little tea caddy for my desk at work, which I still used to this day (It was a stocking stuffer at Christmas).
In fact I feel quite proud of introducing different teas to the office. When I first started working there all they had to drink were those dreadful Lipton Tea Bags, now we have a decent selection of black and green teas, both loose and bag.

When my daughter visits she'll either browse through my tins of tea, and pick one out for us to share a pot of or surprise me with something she's brought with her.

Maybe some day when I visit the UK we can go out for tea together?



I stand corrected. Dead posh you are. I never even heard of Earl Grey when I was growing up, and when I tried it, it tasted like bonfire ashes. (I do keep some in the larder though for a friend who drinks it). But I would be honoured to take tea with you sir, and you could pass on your grandmother's traditions.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 08, 2015, 05:42:15 AM
The Kiwis sometimes refer to tea as " a cuppa". Is that a common term for Brits as well?   

I often take tea rather than coffee. Twinings is my favorite brand but somehow I suspect that, though it claims to be British, it may be modified to suit someones idea of American taste preference.

That damned Chinese green tea that my wife brought back from her trip, is rotten tasting stuff.  Is it true that the premium varieties of tea comes from Ceylon? 

Uh Oh!....this is supposed to be the Jokes thread, someone derailed it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 08, 2015, 09:26:41 AM
QuoteThe Kiwis sometimes refer to tea as " a cuppa". Is that a common term for Brits as well? 

Yes, although I suspect it's confined to older people and is dying out.  Mrs Git and I call it "grumbleweed".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on February 08, 2015, 09:30:48 AM
Quote from: OldGit on February 08, 2015, 09:26:41 AM
QuoteThe Kiwis sometimes refer to tea as " a cuppa". Is that a common term for Brits as well? 

Yes, although I suspect it's confined to older people and is dying out.  Mrs Git and I call it "grumbleweed".

Up north it is quite common.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 08, 2015, 06:36:56 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1505617_1020928797920991_7301387261004389727_n.jpg?oh=87e1a9685d5962ec79fdef25fde2b694&oe=554B60D5&__gda__=1431639999_ba4ab1bdb43e0c8aac8c3ba44876d451)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 08, 2015, 06:40:27 PM
Private sector pays better, but shorter life expectancy. I'd go with government if I was even remotely interested in operating outside the law; plenty of countries out there with a good deal of government corruption.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 08, 2015, 09:35:37 PM
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair.  There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.  Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."  Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."  So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane."  Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down.  The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.  I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.  But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.  No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff."  Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 09, 2015, 07:22:10 AM
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/t1.0-9/1045035_589775301063402_185670527_n.jpg?oh=1e16778e61dd146e1f8a7c44585ba405&oe=5554BF75)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 09, 2015, 09:55:06 PM
I get an annoying number of those calls. I'm gonna try that just for fun.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 11, 2015, 11:09:00 AM
A fellow dies and goes to heaven.

St Peter lets him through the pearly gates and he wanders round playing his harp and chatting to people. There are all sorts of people there, white, brown, yellow, women, men, young, old.

He is free to wander everywhere it seems, but on one side there is a high wall. Too high to see over.
It puzzles him so he asks St Peter what's going on, why is there a wall?

St. Peter says: "[shhhuuuuush] On the other side of the wall are the Catholics, they think they're the only ones here."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 13, 2015, 09:59:07 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10801720_10152736185507123_2693347462075755388_n.jpg?oh=cfaac742df11dc66467ab22ea5bfe27d&oe=554BB525)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 13, 2015, 10:04:01 AM
LOL!

Maybe the A&E departments around the country should cancel leave over the next month?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on February 13, 2015, 01:51:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnickmom.mtvnimages.com%2Furi%2Fmgid%3Afile%3Agsp%3Akids-assets%3A%2Fnickmom%2Fwordpress-uploads%2F2012%2F07%2Fwet-floor-in-front-of-fifty-shades.jpg&hash=013f32554d89166bb2938b2e3e2baa8e6cc53a07)(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.emok.tv%2Fwp-content%2Fgallery%2Femok_picdump_252%2Fthumbs%2Fthumbs_EMOK-Picdump-252_082.jpg&hash=442b37686817525c34d067ee7e415b383974d0db)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 13, 2015, 02:43:58 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3-ec.buzzfed.com%2Fstatic%2F2015-02%2F6%2F12%2Fenhanced%2Fwebdr05%2Fenhanced-31786-1423243532-32.jpg&hash=e0f1db6f4e66804bd8870c234de1a481006fab40)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 13, 2015, 05:47:16 PM
I can see a theme here :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 14, 2015, 02:47:20 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.reactiongifs.com%2Fr%2F2013%2F09%2Fangry-dwight.gif&hash=a09b0776306a9fbb09876326bc8330df4699762d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 14, 2015, 03:29:34 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on February 14, 2015, 02:47:20 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.reactiongifs.com%2Fr%2F2013%2F09%2Fangry-dwight.gif&hash=a09b0776306a9fbb09876326bc8330df4699762d)

I take it PC that you are not a fan?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 14, 2015, 03:50:54 AM
I have spent the last week afraid of literally Hulking out over the Valentines onslaught of 50 Shades bullshit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 14, 2015, 03:59:34 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on February 14, 2015, 03:50:54 AM
I have spent the last week afraid of literally Hulking out over the Valentines onslaught of 50 Shades bullshit.

Happy Valentines Day? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw_KAyYgiIo)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 14, 2015, 11:03:28 AM
It's not the "mommy porn" angle (seriously, has no one else read trashy paperback romances from the 90's?  This shit is not new!) as much as the blantant domestic abuse as "romance" and the beyond shitty portrayal of BDSM. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 14, 2015, 11:19:06 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10993495_644909982304439_9017755948134932950_n.jpg?oh=031b1e34437aa6bb4950ade554171af2&oe=5593C329&__gda__=1432356853_13d9fc2c1ecb6006d07d61e9a6adc8eb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 14, 2015, 11:34:53 AM
Yes!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on February 14, 2015, 11:58:35 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on February 14, 2015, 11:34:53 AM
Yes!

Yes

2nd daughter is home and oscillates between EXTREME activity and eating on the lounge watching Ellen.  I thought what I heard of Ellen as comic before she got her show was OK, she's promoting  shades of grey now.  There's a complete works of grey under everybodys chair yey yey yey.  That under the chair shit makes sick.  Why hasn't Asmo done anything about this anyway?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 14, 2015, 02:48:07 PM
Quote from: Eric V Arachnid on February 14, 2015, 11:58:35 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on February 14, 2015, 11:34:53 AM
Yes!

Yes

2nd daughter is home and oscillates between EXTREME activity and eating on the lounge watching Ellen.  I thought what I heard of Ellen as comic before she got her show was OK, she's promoting  shades of grey now.  There's a complete works of grey under everybodys chair yey yey yey.  That under the chair shit makes sick.  Why hasn't Asmo done anything about this anyway?

Why hasn't Asmo surprised all of us with a gift under our chairs? That's what I want to know.

P.S. I heard on the radio here lately how one guys girlfriend had been asking for 50 shades of grey so he stuck a bunch of paint swatches in an envelope.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 14, 2015, 07:03:54 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on February 14, 2015, 02:48:07 PM
Why hasn't Asmo surprised all of us with a gift under our chairs? That's what I want to know.
Asmo this, Asmo that..!  >:(

Do you have any idea how long it has been since He was properly appeased last? HM?!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 14, 2015, 10:49:09 PM
I don't even know about the Asmo these days.  Last week he sent at least minions into my unused trash can, where they were forced to fight to the death and cannibalize to survive. 
???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 15, 2015, 05:49:45 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on February 14, 2015, 07:03:54 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on February 14, 2015, 02:48:07 PM
Why hasn't Asmo surprised all of us with a gift under our chairs? That's what I want to know.
Asmo this, Asmo that..!  >:(

Do you have any idea how long it has been since He was properly appeased last? HM?!  >:(
Wait, are you asking if we have any idea of how long it's been since The Asmo was, well...just appeased?
Or, are you asking if we have any idea of how long it's been since The Asmo was properly appeased? ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on February 20, 2015, 10:24:25 AM
Here is a very practical New Age Bullshit Generator (http://sebpearce.com/bullshit/) for those of us who wants to sell a New Age product or service  ;D.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 20, 2015, 01:58:45 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on February 20, 2015, 10:24:25 AM
Here is a very practical New Age Bullshit Generator (http://sebpearce.com/bullshit/) for those of us who wants to sell a New Age product or service  ;D.

+10 (gotta use that somewhere...)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 20, 2015, 02:03:30 PM
One sees so many of these random text generators -  I even wrote one or two myself, years ago.  However, this one is really excellent and produces believable text.  The best I've seen.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 21, 2015, 10:37:32 AM
Hm!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 21, 2015, 11:20:56 AM
MY NEW UROLOGIST

As  men age, we start seeing more of the medical world,  which
nowadays seems to include an  increasing number of women as our
physicians and therapists.  And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist.  I saw her  yesterday, and she's  absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She  said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 21, 2015, 01:51:14 PM
Quote from: OldGit on February 21, 2015, 11:20:56 AM
MY NEW UROLOGIST

As  men age, we start seeing more of the medical world,  which
nowadays seems to include an  increasing number of women as our
physicians and therapists.  And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist.  I saw her  yesterday, and she's  absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She  said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."


Hah! You Dirty Old Git!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 21, 2015, 02:24:47 PM
Quote from: OldGit on February 21, 2015, 11:20:56 AM
MY NEW UROLOGIST

As  men age, we start seeing more of the medical world,  which
nowadays seems to include an  increasing number of women as our
physicians and therapists.  And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist.  I saw her  yesterday, and she's  absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She  said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."


Git may be dirty, blasphemous and just wrong, but this doesn't displease The Asmo.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 21, 2015, 07:51:24 PM
Quote from: OldGit on February 21, 2015, 11:20:56 AM
MY NEW UROLOGIST

As  men age, we start seeing more of the medical world,  which
nowadays seems to include an  increasing number of women as our
physicians and therapists.  And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist.  I saw her  yesterday, and she's  absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She  said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."


I say three cheers for the OldestGit, and his being able to still "Git" it up. Hooray ;D
(Good joke by the way)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 21, 2015, 07:58:45 PM
Thank you, Sir Bruno.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 27, 2015, 07:13:30 PM
Pam Ayres Ode to 50 Shades of Grey (To be read in a west country accent!)

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view)*

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 27, 2015, 07:17:29 PM
^^
;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on February 27, 2015, 07:57:48 PM
^ROFL
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 27, 2015, 08:58:25 PM
TOP TEN SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE LINES IN THE STAR WARS TRILOGY

STAR WARS

10."Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care how it smells!"

9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."

6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

4. "Sorry about the mess..."

3. "Look at the size of that thing!"

2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

10."I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

7. "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."

6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."

5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"

3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

RETURN OF THE JEDI

10."Hey, point that thing someplace else."

9. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."

8. "I never knew I had it in me."

7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."

6. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping-hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it... Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."

5. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me-now I owe you one."

4. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"

3. "She's gonna blow!"

2. "I think you'll fit in nicely."

1. "Rise, my friend."

But of course, the best is saved for last (from Star Wars): "Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 28, 2015, 10:18:38 AM
A SIMPLE GUIDE TO WASHING-MACHINE SYMBOLS

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thepoke.co.uk%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2015%2F02%2FWashing-Machine-1024x919.jpg&hash=8d8c90a75b93b01fce2872bbea282f9279a45167)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 28, 2015, 01:21:54 PM
You can in fact wash tennis balls and it works quite well, but they do a number on a drier.  And vice versa. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Jolly Sapper on February 28, 2015, 06:41:13 PM
The circle inside of the square pictographs could use different names: 

Anclops (no eyed), Cyclops, Biclops (two eyed), Triclops (three eyed) and lastly Omniclops (all eyed)

The symbol for an iron looks like a Samurai Jack robot bunny or cockroach.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 28, 2015, 06:57:35 PM
Circle inside a square is centrifuge though, no..?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 06, 2015, 09:55:49 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ftimetravel_zpskf74k6t3.jpg&hash=543c1a9fc82338f881f704fe61f860911d5d55f2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on March 06, 2015, 10:48:32 AM
Quote from: OldGit on March 06, 2015, 09:55:49 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ftimetravel_zpskf74k6t3.jpg&hash=543c1a9fc82338f881f704fe61f860911d5d55f2)

I had a really great time.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 09, 2015, 06:52:03 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11021217_877633262308049_1452209592389414587_n.jpg?oh=0f4ec2f22c7ce79732c02e519c6fe240&oe=557F0A05&__gda__=1433914735_60a7e7c80fc411082ce1d58a9713e330)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on March 17, 2015, 08:22:08 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10801717_683182948453308_6608071669566748533_n.png?oh=223cdd47621505571a07668388201594&oe=55B4DC68&__gda__=1433755998_9f0a6e2efeb37696ed63fd48cc15603e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on March 17, 2015, 10:27:45 PM
LOL.....

Oooh la la!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi58.tinypic.com%2F30urc7r.jpg&hash=174a2b64dcfca157f56bf8f43f89039bf6853c23)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 24, 2015, 08:11:31 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10483282_10153021018625353_1236984874399973052_n.jpg?oh=8ad058a08359e735ffa866595663385d&oe=55A8C8F4&__gda__=1438222306_e40dfaa3b3104877b2237449f086cdf0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 24, 2015, 09:58:49 AM
The poor bloody rams are going to get a bit confused. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 24, 2015, 12:30:09 PM
Quote from: OldGit on March 24, 2015, 09:58:49 AM
The poor bloody rams are going to get a bit confused. ;D

Not to mention the Welsh.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on March 24, 2015, 12:31:40 PM
Hahahahaha. Poor Welsh.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 24, 2015, 01:19:55 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on March 24, 2015, 12:30:09 PMNot to mention the Welsh.

The Welsh will go crazy for the sexy new look.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 25, 2015, 02:25:08 AM
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 25, 2015, 03:29:03 PM
During a recent audit here at our office by our IT Department it was discovered one of our employees was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofeyAlbany

When asked why he was using such a long password he rolled his eyes and said, "Hello! It has to have at least 8 characters and include at least one capital, duh".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on March 25, 2015, 08:15:01 PM
^good one  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 25, 2015, 11:55:01 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on March 25, 2015, 03:29:03 PM
During a recent audit here at our office by our IT Department it was discovered one of our employees was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofeyAlbany

When asked why he was using such a long password he rolled his eyes and said, "Hello! It has to have at least 8 characters and include at least one capital, duh".
That used to be a blonde joke. Did the feminists get to it?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 26, 2015, 01:14:58 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on March 25, 2015, 11:55:01 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on March 25, 2015, 03:29:03 PM
During a recent audit here at our office by our IT Department it was discovered one of our employees was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofeyAlbany

When asked why he was using such a long password he rolled his eyes and said, "Hello! It has to have at least 8 characters and include at least one capital, duh".
That used to be a blonde joke. Did the feminists get to it?  ;D


No I got to it. ;D

Actually this is what we refer to as a "bro/bra" joke. I didn't use it in the previous joke because I wasn't sure if everyone here would catch onto the reference.

"Bro" or "Bra" referring to the way some of the younger fellas refer to each other, sort of like, "Dude" or "Buddy".
I have a neighbor, nice guy with whom
Quote
I get along with really well, but he has the tendency to refer to me as "Buddy" all the time. Such as "Hey Buddy, How you dong Buddy, or Good to see ya' Buddy, I sometimes simply want to tell him, "Hey Buddy, my name is Bruce, can you simply refer to me by my name"?

Back to the "Bro/Bra", maybe you remember this guy, the "Don't taze me Bro" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkkLUP-gm4Q)?

The "Bro or Bra" guy is the young, good looking, frat-boy type who is a few crayons short in the box.

Here's some "Brocabulary (http://popten.net/2011/04/brocabulary-101-a-primer/)" words.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on March 26, 2015, 01:21:28 PM
Is your neighbour Canadian?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 26, 2015, 01:39:48 PM
Quote from: Crow on March 26, 2015, 01:21:28 PM
Is your neighbour Canadian?

No, I believe he is originally from Wisconsin.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 26, 2015, 09:16:06 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/1513167_10153146852226730_1982648026740384809_n.jpg?oh=84a687c677a8dda67898d764c6787641&oe=55A79AE4&__gda__=1433542739_7baf0ce9e98962e2b95876b6c63d1789)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 27, 2015, 02:12:42 AM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on March 26, 2015, 01:14:58 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on March 25, 2015, 11:55:01 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on March 25, 2015, 03:29:03 PM
During a recent audit here at our office by our IT Department it was discovered one of our employees was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofeyAlbany

When asked why he was using such a long password he rolled his eyes and said, "Hello! It has to have at least 8 characters and include at least one capital, duh".
That used to be a blonde joke. Did the feminists get to it?  ;D


No I got to it. ;D

Actually this is what we refer to as a "bro/bra" joke. I didn't use it in the previous joke because I wasn't sure if everyone here would catch onto the reference.

"Bro" or "Bra" referring to the way some of the younger fellas refer to each other, sort of like, "Dude" or "Buddy".
I have a neighbor, nice guy with whom
Quote
I get along with really well, but he has the tendency to refer to me as "Buddy" all the time. Such as "Hey Buddy, How you dong Buddy, or Good to see ya' Buddy, I sometimes simply want to tell him, "Hey Buddy, my name is Bruce, can you simply refer to me by my name"?

Back to the "Bro/Bra", maybe you remember this guy, the "Don't taze me Bro" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkkLUP-gm4Q)?

The "Bro or Bra" guy is the young, good looking, frat-boy type who is a few crayons short in the box.

Here's some "Brocabulary (http://popten.net/2011/04/brocabulary-101-a-primer/)" words.

Whatever you say, Buddy.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 27, 2015, 02:38:11 AM
That photo is a hoot Bro Tank. Excuse me I was distracted by that Damn Bruno and his bro/bra bit. 

The little auto is in appropriate company and someone has a keen sense of humor.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on March 27, 2015, 02:44:13 AM
So a psychologist is showing a new patient a bunch of Rorschachs (do they even do that any more? Whatever, he was because reasons.) The first one, the guy was like "penis!" The next one was "two nuns giving each other head." Third was "a bunch of stuff in a vagina." Fourth was "penis!" The psychologist was like "you, sir, are obsessed with sex!" The patient replied "you're the one with all of the dirty pictures!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on March 27, 2015, 04:50:19 AM
(https://fbcdn-photos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-0/11081457_920666674640293_3188230102772385969_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=c4b2a1a348c5e181cf908d1a37b92fec&oe=55ABCF6E&__gda__=1437719556_bb21870c0bbe9821001ea694295820f0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 27, 2015, 01:49:32 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on March 26, 2015, 01:14:58 PM
Back to the "Bro/Bra", maybe you remember this guy, the "Don't taze me Bro" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkkLUP-gm4Q)?

The "Bro or Bra" guy is the young, good looking, frat-boy type who is a few crayons short in the box.

Here's some "Brocabulary (http://popten.net/2011/04/brocabulary-101-a-primer/)" words.

Don't forget about Broses!

http://www.joesdump.com/2013/06/03/broses-henderson/

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.joesdump.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F06%2FBroses_by_Henderson.jpg&hash=7a3cd94cfa438213471e94b8ae5328740522f07d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on March 27, 2015, 04:43:51 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on March 27, 2015, 02:12:42 AM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on March 26, 2015, 01:14:58 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on March 25, 2015, 11:55:01 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on March 25, 2015, 03:29:03 PM
During a recent audit here at our office by our IT Department it was discovered one of our employees was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofeyAlbany

When asked why he was using such a long password he rolled his eyes and said, "Hello! It has to have at least 8 characters and include at least one capital, duh".
That used to be a blonde joke. Did the feminists get to it?  ;D


No I got to it. ;D

Actually this is what we refer to as a "bro/bra" joke. I didn't use it in the previous joke because I wasn't sure if everyone here would catch onto the reference.

"Bro" or "Bra" referring to the way some of the younger fellas refer to each other, sort of like, "Dude" or "Buddy".
I have a neighbor, nice guy with whom
Quote
I get along with really well, but he has the tendency to refer to me as "Buddy" all the time. Such as "Hey Buddy, How you dong Buddy, or Good to see ya' Buddy, I sometimes simply want to tell him, "Hey Buddy, my name is Bruce, can you simply refer to me by my name"?

Back to the "Bro/Bra", maybe you remember this guy, the "Don't taze me Bro" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkkLUP-gm4Q)?

The "Bro or Bra" guy is the young, good looking, frat-boy type who is a few crayons short in the box.

Here's some "Brocabulary (http://popten.net/2011/04/brocabulary-101-a-primer/)" words.

Whatever you say, Buddy.  ;D

I didn't say anything.  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 27, 2015, 05:26:30 PM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on March 27, 2015, 04:43:51 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on March 27, 2015, 02:12:42 AM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on March 26, 2015, 01:14:58 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on March 25, 2015, 11:55:01 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on March 25, 2015, 03:29:03 PM
During a recent audit here at our office by our IT Department it was discovered one of our employees was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofeyAlbany

When asked why he was using such a long password he rolled his eyes and said, "Hello! It has to have at least 8 characters and include at least one capital, duh".
That used to be a blonde joke. Did the feminists get to it?  ;D


No I got to it. ;D

Actually this is what we refer to as a "bro/bra" joke. I didn't use it in the previous joke because I wasn't sure if everyone here would catch onto the reference.

"Bro" or "Bra" referring to the way some of the younger fellas refer to each other, sort of like, "Dude" or "Buddy".
I have a neighbor, nice guy with whom
Quote
I get along with really well, but he has the tendency to refer to me as "Buddy" all the time. Such as "Hey Buddy, How you dong Buddy, or Good to see ya' Buddy, I sometimes simply want to tell him, "Hey Buddy, my name is Bruce, can you simply refer to me by my name"?

Back to the "Bro/Bra", maybe you remember this guy, the "Don't taze me Bro" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkkLUP-gm4Q)?

The "Bro or Bra" guy is the young, good looking, frat-boy type who is a few crayons short in the box.

Here's some "Brocabulary (http://popten.net/2011/04/brocabulary-101-a-primer/)" words.

Whatever you say, Buddy.  ;D

I didn't say anything.  :P

Maybe change your username to "Brohorse4"?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 28, 2015, 12:12:02 AM
Bro and Bra are gender specific. Buddy is a girl (a cute one too) so she would  have to be Brahorse.  Bad Bruno.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 28, 2015, 09:33:42 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10344796_10153883388050200_8797219112894148363_n.jpg?oh=f545da318b8872d280f09fb1b9715c05&oe=55B47EF3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 29, 2015, 05:44:38 AM
^ Ram in the Bush has other than xtian connotations for dirty old men like me and Git.

That brings to mind the old expression; "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".  That is true only if you need extra doses of Viagra.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on March 29, 2015, 08:33:58 PM
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 29, 2015, 09:49:20 PM
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on March 29, 2015, 10:02:22 PM
They are some small feet for such a big guy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 30, 2015, 02:27:01 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10371541_10152651367900810_4981779348085734927_n.jpg?oh=210fdcda69983588d74c6f2b1eabae23&oe=55751755&__gda__=1437597738_ab287fba123f06b9efa65cbf6b1890ed)

The trouble with putting the clocks forward in England - you have to move all the stone circles forward one place.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on March 30, 2015, 05:14:41 PM
Quote from: Icarus on March 29, 2015, 05:44:38 AM
^ Ram in the Bush has other than xtian connotations for dirty old men like me and Git.

That brings to mind the old expression; "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".  That is true only if you need extra doses of Viagra.

That brings to mind This Book (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00A6VK2FG?ie=UTF8&redirectFromSS=1&pc_redir=T1&noEncodingTag=1&fp=1), which is wholly, completely, NSFW in any way. 

I swear I have legit, totally non-sexual reasons for Knowing about that.

But I'd totally read it anyway.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 31, 2015, 06:19:28 AM
^ I love this forum because we can talk about damned near anything.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on March 31, 2015, 06:28:50 AM
This is not a case where, "many hands make quick work" but more of a "slow and steady wins the race".  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 31, 2015, 11:42:34 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/11081421_821175974630091_3743900694980304365_n.jpg?oh=caac6ab19eb22c0abc7c8e151817ca94&oe=559D3284)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 31, 2015, 04:51:33 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fwhdiia4.png&hash=9354010ab414a74e8dac850a76b6ba80fa2d33e9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on March 31, 2015, 06:27:08 PM
Stoned cop calls 911 because he "ODed on weed and time is moving really slow and he thinks he's dead." (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FHTzpXyXO-4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 31, 2015, 07:29:40 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1369.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fag223%2Fpablo628%2FFB_IMG_1427590082405_zpsgojkh3xc.jpg&hash=76273923dd5470f7a337d8594e4b0efd43445138)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 01, 2015, 04:30:25 AM
PC the video was hilarious.

OG you are a bad man to post such stuff.....That's why you are among my several favorites.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 01, 2015, 10:13:43 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on March 31, 2015, 06:27:08 PM
Stoned cop calls 911 because he "ODed on weed and time is moving really slow and he thinks he's dead." (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FHTzpXyXO-4)

This was a Dearborn cop which is where I live.

As funny as the 911 call is, along with the clip PC posted this event upset a lot of people here because the officer in question was allowed to resign from the police force even after admitting he took marijuana, and possibly other drugs from criminal suspects for his own use. Neither he or his wife were charged or have been prosecuted even though the wife also admitted taking cocaine from his squad car on another occasion and ingesting it.

Here is a tape (http://detroitcast.com/Media/2014/07/Dearborn-Marijuana-Brownies-News-Story.mp4) of a news team who can't keep from laughing while reporting the story, along with article (http://www.foxnews.com/story/2007/05/10/cop-avoids-charges-in-pot-brownie-caper/).

No charges have ever been filed against this guy, and since he resigned without incident he could be re-hired at a later date, or apply for a position with another city police force.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on April 01, 2015, 10:28:33 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on April 01, 2015, 10:13:43 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on March 31, 2015, 06:27:08 PM
Stoned cop calls 911 because he "ODed on weed and time is moving really slow and he thinks he's dead." (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FHTzpXyXO-4)

This was a Dearborn cop which is where I live.

As funny as the 911 call is, along with the clip PC posted this event upset a lot of people here because the officer in question was allowed to resign from the police force even after admitting he took marijuana, and possibly other drugs from criminal suspects for his own use. Neither he or his wife were charged or have been prosecuted even though the wife also admitted taking cocaine from his squad car on another occasion and ingesting it.

Here is a tape (http://detroitcast.com/Media/2014/07/Dearborn-Marijuana-Brownies-News-Story.mp4) of a news team who can't keep from laughing while reporting the story, along with article (http://www.foxnews.com/story/2007/05/10/cop-avoids-charges-in-pot-brownie-caper/).

No charges have ever been filed against this guy, and since he resigned without incident he could be re-hired at a later date, or apply for a position with another city police force.

That is so wrong. :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 01, 2015, 11:33:11 PM
Woman goes to doctor for annual checkup
After some tests the doctor tells her that her heart, respiration, blood pressure are all in good shape.
The doctors says now let me look at the lady part that gets so many of you in trouble.
Lady begins to remove her clothes............
Doctor says No...No... No, just open your mouth and stick out your tongue.
::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 05, 2015, 10:22:41 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftoco.distractify.com%2Fpostimage%2F201409%2F48%2F0e298ce6eb383ada1fa1181551d74510_650x.jpg&hash=b97a90e72be07062240065190414bd308fcfd17a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 05, 2015, 10:23:35 AM
My hero!



(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftoco.distractify.com%2Fpostimage%2F201409%2F48%2F6316719236f853b84077ffb751c4dbf1_650x.jpg&hash=f40288810e1fc6826ff3d577a2c66cfef908e05b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 05, 2015, 11:05:39 AM
Yeast dough can kill your dog, fwiw.  Sounds like that guy only got a bite.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 05, 2015, 11:30:16 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on April 05, 2015, 11:05:39 AM
Yeast dough can kill your dog, fwiw.  Sounds like that guy only got a bite.
EeeeK! I didn't know that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on April 05, 2015, 02:00:38 PM
Quote from: Icarus on April 01, 2015, 11:33:11 PM
Woman goes to doctor for annual checkup
After some tests the doctor tells her that her heart, respiration, blood pressure are all in good shape.
The doctors says now let me look at the lady part that gets so many of you in trouble.
Lady begins to remove her clothes............
Doctor says No...No... No, just open your mouth and stick out your tongue.
::)

Really Icarus! That's almost sexist.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 05, 2015, 08:33:49 PM
Essie Mae it is not my joke. I am just sharing one I heard from a practicing MCP. 

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 06, 2015, 08:00:09 AM
A topless picture of me.

























































(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11079450_1066610790020084_4504040402980228242_n.jpg?oh=a2b3b281f0b958e18cc22187931611cc&oe=559B0CD9&__gda__=1441079776_cd3d3aa150236bc170ea76bf107c51c3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 06, 2015, 11:54:01 AM
Quote from: Tank on April 05, 2015, 11:30:16 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on April 05, 2015, 11:05:39 AM
Yeast dough can kill your dog, fwiw.  Sounds like that guy only got a bite.
EeeeK! I didn't know that.

Yeah, it will just rise and rise with no way to expand beyond the stomach and nowhere to release the gas created by the yeast.  This guy was lucky enough to burp and fart through it, a lot of dogs will just get plugged up entirely and/or experience gastric torsion, which is fatal within 45min to a couple hours max.

Gorilla glue is similar but different as well, and supposedly tastes really sweet. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 06, 2015, 06:11:55 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 06, 2015, 08:00:09 AM
A topless picture of me.

























































(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11079450_1066610790020084_4504040402980228242_n.jpg?oh=a2b3b281f0b958e18cc22187931611cc&oe=559B0CD9&__gda__=1441079776_cd3d3aa150236bc170ea76bf107c51c3)
This shit is NSFA! He's scarred for life now and may need to smite something because of it.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 09, 2015, 01:39:14 PM
Three bro's were sitting together at a bar complaining about their wives, and the 1st bro lamented, "My wife was at the grocery store last week, and she bought over $500 worth of meat because it was on sale, however; we don't have a freezer large enough to store all of the meat, now I'm screwed'.
"That's nothing", replied the 2nd bro, "my wife went out last week and dropped $2,700 on a used car because it was such a great deal, and she doesn't even have a license to drive".
"Well", said the 3rd bro, "My wife certainly hasn't wasted money like yours, but she does make me laugh. Last week she left with some friends on a vacation to Greece, and she took about 4 dozen boxes of condoms, and she doesn't even have a penis".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on April 09, 2015, 02:28:16 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on April 09, 2015, 01:39:14 PM
Three bro's were sitting together at a bar complaining about their wives, and the 1st bro lamented, "My wife was at the grocery store last week, and she bought over $500 worth of meat because it was on sale, however; we don't have a freezer large enough to store all of the meat, now I'm screwed'.
"That's nothing", replied the 2nd bro, "my wife went out last week and dropped $2,700 on a used car because it was such a great deal, and she doesn't even have a license to drive".
"Well", said the 3rd bro, "My wife certainly hasn't wasted money like yours, but she does make me laugh. Last week she left with some friends on a vacation to Greece, and she took about 4 dozen boxes of condoms, and she doesn't even have a penis".

ROFL. Just told that to my husband and son, they were also rofl.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 11, 2015, 03:45:30 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11072680_796918003711239_1504891930645415515_n.jpg?oh=4f58f6ab66230de5a3dd417d369866ab&oe=55A1D72F&__gda__=1437924774_0fa25a1dca751e55b322040a65c38b51)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 11, 2015, 04:10:09 PM
^^^  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 14, 2015, 07:22:21 AM
(https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11102744_10153837156210476_3057443814175165737_n.png?oh=1357325bfb5d6076338d8d0b0a2e90d3&oe=55E5C2AA)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 14, 2015, 08:58:05 AM
^  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 15, 2015, 04:09:06 PM
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

This is funny, but I have to say I would do likewise as either the Scotsman or the Irishman. I can't see not drinking  a good beer simply because there was a fly was in it.

Englishman are odd.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 16, 2015, 03:20:21 AM
Teen aged blond is out of school in summer. She thinks it a good idea to earn some money. After some indecision she decides to hire out as a handy person. She begins knocking on doors in the wealthy part of town. A man answers the door and hears her pitch to do home cleaning or other chores. He says the porch needs to be painted, how much would you charge for that job? She says $50. He says OK, the paint and the brushes are there in the garage.

Back inside, the man tells his wife that the porch is being painted for $50. She says that he is taking unfair advantage of the worker because the porch reaches all the way around the house and that the job is worth much more than $50. He says a deal is a deal.

Two hours pass, Blond knocks on the door announcing that the job is finished. Impressed with the speed of the job the man ponies up the fifty bucks. Blond says that the first coat of paint used only half the paint and that she applied the rest of it for a second coat. Walking away, she turns and says: By the way it is a Lexus not a Porche.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 16, 2015, 07:00:46 AM
(https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11129626_928439367177110_1879139586192972219_n.jpg?oh=e46fc9bce5406bfa9d04702f8039ec8b&oe=55E096DF)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 16, 2015, 03:01:36 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 16, 2015, 07:00:46 AM
(https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11129626_928439367177110_1879139586192972219_n.jpg?oh=e46fc9bce5406bfa9d04702f8039ec8b&oe=55E096DF)


Boooooooooooooooooooo :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 18, 2015, 05:51:17 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on April 16, 2015, 03:01:36 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 16, 2015, 07:00:46 AM
(https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11129626_928439367177110_1879139586192972219_n.jpg?oh=e46fc9bce5406bfa9d04702f8039ec8b&oe=55E096DF)


Boooooooooooooooooooo :P
Yes, boo.  >:( Although that last facial expression is faintly reminiscent of what The Asmo has commissioned for His portrait for when Luxembourg falls before Him.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 20, 2015, 03:34:51 PM
A husband and wife purchased a new computer for their home, and as they were finished getting it set up in their home office the last thing they needed to do was enter a new password for the computer.

With a bit of bravado, and a wink at his wife the husband typed in the word: MyPenis

A few seconds later the wife bursts out laughing and nearly falls out of her chair in a fit of laughter, the husbands looks at her and say's , "What is so funny?"

She points at the computer screen, still laughing and says, "It has the same problem with your penis as I do!"

The husband turns to the computer screen and notices a dialog window that reads:
TOO SHORT, ACCESS DENIED
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 22, 2015, 06:41:21 AM
(https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/12892_10153181752570115_6241316755197119545_n.jpg?oh=86238d4e8c05bc1dba229a12e1c387a7&oe=55D0DC3B)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 22, 2015, 11:47:25 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 22, 2015, 06:41:21 AM
(https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/12892_10153181752570115_6241316755197119545_n.jpg?oh=86238d4e8c05bc1dba229a12e1c387a7&oe=55D0DC3B)

Door Hinge?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 23, 2015, 07:28:00 AM
(https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1383588_10153368503830494_1741814623_n.jpg?oh=cfa7d20a4313c9a84139d10335f159b4&oe=559FC76C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 23, 2015, 11:19:02 AM
^ Excellent.  I shall steal it forthwith.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 23, 2015, 01:21:31 PM
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a brothel for sex..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"




Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "I'm so sorry to hear that Nancy, but it's so nice of you to bury your little fish in the garden, but isn't that an awfully big hole for a goldfish?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "It's a big hole because he's inside your fucking kat."



A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.' The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?' The

little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died. 'Holy **** ' thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 23, 2015, 07:56:43 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F-meRzZruUk68%2FUl8DOP79WjI%2FAAAAAAAAOXM%2Fnl5OZuz2fGM%2Fs1600%2Ffunny-jesus-meme-1.jpg&hash=6e3b0b5c6a9cb27c7d803d6621c1a434f6b2ce6e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 24, 2015, 01:24:50 AM
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 24, 2015, 09:26:42 AM
^  ;D

A man went to Harley Street in London , having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist Assistant. Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and  asked the secretary for details.
She retrieved the file and read to him:"This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all  unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.
Then she told him "The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen "
"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is located?"
"No" she answered, " but that's where the end of the queue is."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 24, 2015, 01:56:43 PM

Mom: Time to get up Liam, you will be late for school.
Liam: I don't wanna go to school today, all the teachers and students hate me.
Mom: Liam get up, you have to go school.
Liam: Give me one good reason why I should go.
Mom: I'll give you two, you're 35 years old, and you're the principal.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 24, 2015, 05:39:32 PM
Principal at 35, eh..? Well done in the ass kissing department then!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 24, 2015, 05:50:02 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 24, 2015, 05:39:32 PM
Principal at 35, eh..? Well done in the ass kissing department then!  :D

It's a Dutch school so what do you expect.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 24, 2015, 05:55:09 PM
Some thorough ass-kissing, of course!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 24, 2015, 06:56:53 PM
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 24, 2015, 07:12:44 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/v/t1.0-0/253223_534756499903410_1833994125_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=7ff916cfe3cf0add0210954f6661ba41&oe=55A1F884&__gda__=1439995171_031810d6364d6a33b8193c21791dd0cf)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 24, 2015, 07:15:58 PM
^^^^  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 24, 2015, 07:45:59 PM
The Asmo approves too.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 24, 2015, 08:24:38 PM
Brilliant.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 24, 2015, 08:43:24 PM
Saw it coming. Still funny.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on April 25, 2015, 12:00:54 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on April 24, 2015, 07:12:44 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/v/t1.0-0/253223_534756499903410_1833994125_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=7ff916cfe3cf0add0210954f6661ba41&oe=55A1F884&__gda__=1439995171_031810d6364d6a33b8193c21791dd0cf)

O...M...G...!!! Bwahahahahahaha..............

I laughed so hard I thought I would puke. lolol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 25, 2015, 03:19:42 AM
As it is tradition in Norway to make deprecating jokes about our dear neighbors:


Why couldn't Jesus have been born in Sweden?
It's impossible to find three wise men there, let alone a virgin.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 25, 2015, 06:44:41 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 25, 2015, 03:19:42 AM
As it is tradition in Norway to make deprecating jokes about our dear neighbors:


Why couldn't Jesus have been born in Sweden?
It's impossible to find three wise men there, let alone a virgin.

The wise men in the Jesus-tale were outlanders, no? As for virgins, Mary obviously just lied about having fucked some fool; she could have done that while being Swedish with ease. She just wouldn't need to, because the Swedes are far too civilized to make too big of deal out of sex.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 25, 2015, 10:18:43 AM
Q: Why did the Norwegian bring a rolled-up piece of sandpaper to the desert?
A: Thought it was a map.

Q: Why are Norwegian women so pretty?
A: The Vikings only took the pretty ones.

Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this.

A Brit in London asks a tourist:
- Do you want to hear a funny story about stupid Americans?
- Hey, guy, I'M AMERICAN!
- No problems, I can tell this story twice, if you don't understand at first.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 25, 2015, 03:02:38 PM
Why are Swedish jokes getting sillier and sillier?

Because the Swedes have started to make them up themselves.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 25, 2015, 07:22:22 PM
How do you confuse an Irishman?

Show him two shovels and tell him to take his pick.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 25, 2015, 08:25:50 PM
Got any jokes about fish Guardian85?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 25, 2015, 08:35:29 PM
Did you hear about the 'Merican who was so silly and stupid the other 'Mericans noticed?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 25, 2015, 11:00:04 PM
Quote from: Crow on April 25, 2015, 08:25:50 PM
Got any jokes about fish Guardian85?

Why are fish so smart ?


Because they swim in schools!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 26, 2015, 06:22:01 AM
But... But... Fish are dumb, slippery and smelly.  :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 27, 2015, 03:45:16 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 26, 2015, 06:22:01 AM
But... But... Fish are dumb, slippery and smelly.  :(

Most of them are greyish though, that must be their redeeming quality. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 27, 2015, 07:15:16 PM
Why, yes... Except for those stupid herring-things.  >:( The Asmo disapproves of those.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 27, 2015, 09:31:30 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 27, 2015, 07:15:16 PM
Why, yes... Except for those stupid herring-things.  >:( The Asmo disapproves of those.  >:(

What about yellow fin tuna, rainbow trout, guppies and gold fish. Actually come to think of it most fish are brightly coloured.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 27, 2015, 10:01:45 PM
Quote from: Crow on April 27, 2015, 09:31:30 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 27, 2015, 07:15:16 PM
Why, yes... Except for those stupid herring-things.  >:( The Asmo disapproves of those.  >:(

What about yellow fin tuna, rainbow trout, guppies and god fish. Actually come to think of it most fish are brightly coloured.

Most ornamental fish are brightly coloured? I had it in my head that most sea fish are grey or silvery.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 28, 2015, 04:49:08 AM
XSP there are a few that have some color, redfish for one. They are not bright red but they are red. Several of the reef dwellers have some fancy colors.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 28, 2015, 04:54:29 AM
^ That's true.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 28, 2015, 04:36:39 PM
Quote from: Crow on April 27, 2015, 09:31:30 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on April 27, 2015, 07:15:16 PM
Why, yes... Except for those stupid herring-things.  >:( The Asmo disapproves of those.  >:(

What about yellow fin tuna, rainbow trout, guppies and gold fish. Actually come to think of it most fish are brightly coloured.

He was talking about gray fish specifically. For the rest of them, refer to His original comment.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 29, 2015, 02:06:46 AM
The little Swedish kid asked his teacher why the days in the summer were so much longer.
The teacher answered, "Oh, that's because the heat makes everything expand."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 29, 2015, 06:40:45 PM
(https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11207302_10153227495531730_1913686617635268585_n.jpg?oh=51f75b8cb5addaf89d116ae4d25a3e48&oe=55CEFFDD)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 30, 2015, 12:51:46 PM
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/List_of_scientists_who_became_creationists_after_studying_the_evidence (http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/List_of_scientists_who_became_creationists_after_studying_the_evidence)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 30, 2015, 12:54:27 PM
Quote from: OldGit on April 30, 2015, 12:51:46 PM
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/List_of_scientists_who_became_creationists_after_studying_the_evidence (http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/List_of_scientists_who_became_creationists_after_studying_the_evidence)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-laughing002.gif&hash=a2ed08e712fb056f5c22ac3ce68e37929be228c7)

Gotta love the tumbleweeds.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 30, 2015, 12:56:41 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-0/11205024_931199603567108_770402331721565619_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=59e2e07288f4a19c5982baf6ba32a383&oe=55D2982E&__gda__=1440899347_2ce25f1dbb8c92b9b599192535819c52)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on April 30, 2015, 03:44:36 PM
I asked Google and there doesn't seem to be an ask Jesus search engine.
No I didn't look on the 2nd page of results, I'm not a frick'n research scientist.
If only I'd thought to claim it back when everything was up for grabs.  :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 01, 2015, 08:02:11 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sciencedump.com%2Fsites%2Fwww.sciencedump.com%2Ffiles%2Fimagecache%2Fimg%2Fa8574e18f608fc58c32621602738ea7d.jpg&hash=f68dd4a1f53ccc0a286329a5d7a5425c7abc196d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on May 02, 2015, 01:33:07 AM
^ good one. :D


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.severinbrowne.com%2FSevJoke02-25-10.jpg&hash=24e1a8da9b7afd46dfa779264bc92517d9b99fd0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 02, 2015, 04:37:59 AM
^ subtle and cool XSP
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 02, 2015, 09:51:26 AM
^^^ Two good ones there. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on May 04, 2015, 02:41:27 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgospeljunction.net%2Fuk%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2008%2F07%2Fnovab.jpg&hash=c24a2eb9f4106d8de38e2462aabf7ed752904a43)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on May 04, 2015, 10:20:48 PM
Quote from: OldGit on April 30, 2015, 12:51:46 PM
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/List_of_scientists_who_became_creationists_after_studying_the_evidence (http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/List_of_scientists_who_became_creationists_after_studying_the_evidence)
Ha ha. You had me worried there for a moment OG
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 05, 2015, 11:03:17 AM
Cut-off Nepalese villages still unaware Kate has had girl, say Red Cross

Many remote villages in the worst hit areas of Nepal remain cut off and completely unaware that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby girl, according to the International Red Cross. Aid agencies have confirmed that thousands of people in Nepal's middle hills and isolated western towns have still to be reached by rescue teams and given the news of the Royal baby.

From News Biscuit
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 06, 2015, 09:35:41 AM
Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 06, 2015, 09:38:36 AM
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on May 07, 2015, 12:17:03 AM
Pet shaming: horse edition

http://m.imgur.com/gallery/WG0fm (http://m.imgur.com/gallery/WG0fm)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 07, 2015, 12:43:39 AM
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 07, 2015, 07:07:11 AM
Quote from: Budhorse4 on May 07, 2015, 12:17:03 AM
Pet shaming: horse edition

http://m.imgur.com/gallery/WG0fm (http://m.imgur.com/gallery/WG0fm)

LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 08, 2015, 04:36:37 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/v/t1.0-9/1480630_658828484160536_317731096_n.jpg?oh=7fcb3dfe371931dc07e1e99284290613&oe=55E05FCF&__gda__=1439669819_9ded3f5c7d6e54132ba55009cee7581a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 10, 2015, 01:39:29 AM
One for our glorious leader.   8)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.moddb.com%2Fcache%2Fimages%2Fgroups%2F1%2F3%2F2074%2Fthumb_620x2000%2FMating.jpg&hash=70fea06a4a75cf8faafc826b4f2b34efe8515337)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on May 10, 2015, 02:02:49 AM
I thought I'd see it all but nope... tank-doggie-style is a new one.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on May 10, 2015, 05:12:03 AM
How else to get tanklets?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 10, 2015, 04:07:39 PM
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out,"Anyone here know hoe to pray?"

[One man stepped forward]

"Aye,captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain,"You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets; we're one short."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 10, 2015, 09:37:06 PM
^ LOL

The regiment was camped in the jungle.  The adjutant sees the Colonel walk back into camp, stunned and shaken.

"Anything wrong, Sir?

"I've just been for a walk and I saw Carruthers shagging a gorilla!"

"Good God, Sir! Was it a female gorilla?"

"Well of course it was a female, Major! Dammit, there's nothing queer about Carruthers.!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on May 11, 2015, 10:50:20 PM
Jolly good what!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Firebird on May 12, 2015, 05:00:17 AM
Yogi Berra was a catcher for the New York Yankees (baseball) for many years, really funny guy. So this supposedly happened:

One day the Yankees were playing an exhibition game when a streaker ran onto the field. The person was wearing a pair of sneakers and a mask, nothing else.

Later he was telling the story of the streaker to some other players who weren't there that day, how someone ran stark naked onto the field in front of everyone. Really,  they said.  Was it a man or a woman?

"I don't know, " Yogi said. "They had a bag over their head."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 12, 2015, 09:29:11 AM
That reminds me of the patient who walked into the psychiatrist's consulting-room wearing nothing but a strip of cling-film around his loins.  The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 14, 2015, 07:58:28 AM
(https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11044952_10155595251880078_1245476846797583792_n.png?oh=474a5b92b25b0798ee3e18901a9d1acc&oe=55CBD347)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 14, 2015, 11:08:12 AM
(https://scontent-fra.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10868206_1005519222810652_167831625604891899_n.jpg?oh=71e475d22d703daf594e0fb1bb0014fa&oe=55D62008)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on May 15, 2015, 03:16:43 PM
Indeed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 17, 2015, 08:03:57 AM
(https://scontent-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11228909_917848614920786_1441702491517649416_n.jpg?oh=476a00667356c7f76d4fb8cc94968838&oe=5602503A)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 20, 2015, 02:22:40 PM
I found a religion that kinda makes sense.  ;D
http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6963479/the-13-gods-of-the-internet-pantheon
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 20, 2015, 04:43:25 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on May 20, 2015, 02:22:40 PM
I found a religion that kinda makes sense.  ;D
http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6963479/the-13-gods-of-the-internet-pantheon

New times call for a new religion!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 20, 2015, 07:46:08 PM
^^ That's amusing and rather clever.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 21, 2015, 02:02:41 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11228918_10153259953051730_644463945755933922_n.jpg?oh=8ee40811c6e15477ee6b97937c9a2b9f&oe=55CC6AB0&__gda__=1442848393_e0c7044a57450aec0025165b5d87a8ce)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 22, 2015, 12:51:05 PM
^^^That's good!^^^


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FFyeIkl1.jpg&hash=e297aa3e14e71984eb4237bc68304db3f302d8c6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 22, 2015, 06:08:14 PM
^^^  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 22, 2015, 07:22:17 PM
^^^^  ;D

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing their usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As he  walked in, almost awake, she turned to him  and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
His  eyes lit up and he  thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment,  he  embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled,  he  asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 22, 2015, 07:48:37 PM
^^^
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.tinypic.com%2F2lkd5ic.jpg&hash=00277c475e915c10e65db3a229936e8076c4e854) Oh, I get it! Soft boiled eggs, 2 minutes! ;D
*Ahem* I've never had them.  :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on May 22, 2015, 09:52:19 PM
Bwahahahahaha...... and yet kind of heartbreaking.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 23, 2015, 11:21:11 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on May 22, 2015, 07:48:37 PM
^^^
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.tinypic.com%2F2lkd5ic.jpg&hash=00277c475e915c10e65db3a229936e8076c4e854) Oh, I get it! Soft boiled eggs, 2 minutes! ;D
*Ahem* I've never had them.  :(

Obviously the chap in the story was English ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 23, 2015, 06:54:58 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on May 23, 2015, 11:21:11 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on May 22, 2015, 07:48:37 PM
^^^
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi62.tinypic.com%2F2lkd5ic.jpg&hash=00277c475e915c10e65db3a229936e8076c4e854) Oh, I get it! Soft boiled eggs, 2 minutes! ;D
*Ahem* I've never had them.  :(

Obviously the chap in the story was English ;D
Yep, I'll never go back to English again ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 26, 2015, 07:33:13 PM
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:  (I'm skeptical)

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 26, 2015, 07:37:19 PM
^ Good ones, but I'm also a bit skeptical about some of them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 26, 2015, 07:44:04 PM
Quote from: OldGit on May 26, 2015, 07:37:19 PM
^ Good ones, but I'm also a bit skeptical about some of them.

Sadly I have members of my extended family who complain Spain is full of too many Spanish people!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on May 26, 2015, 09:33:03 PM
I really hope number 12 is a joke and not legit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 26, 2015, 10:23:11 PM
19 is the most worrying one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 27, 2015, 05:04:17 AM
Me too Claire, Number 19 is a hoot. The rest of them are good for some chuckles too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 27, 2015, 05:13:57 AM
One that I heard was about a British lady, who asked how long it would take to walk from the cruise-ship to the city. At the reception she got the reply, "It will take about 40 minutes". She asked back "Are these American or European minutes?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 27, 2015, 06:25:16 AM
Number 15 is hilarious!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 27, 2015, 07:39:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftoco.distractify.com%2Fpostimage%2F201412%2F9%2F0db9ea27bc88331c51fa193e4c0eb73a_650x.png&hash=598cd2e57c58eaee1c1a8f3867e25851d6013486)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 27, 2015, 03:12:37 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 27, 2015, 07:39:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftoco.distractify.com%2Fpostimage%2F201412%2F9%2F0db9ea27bc88331c51fa193e4c0eb73a_650x.png&hash=598cd2e57c58eaee1c1a8f3867e25851d6013486)

Can you imagine Bert's face? :D
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg3.wikia.nocookie.net%2F__cb20111110201140%2Fmuppet%2Fimages%2F0%2F0b%2FBert-2011.jpg&hash=f2ad6cba6cbe69865261c11f68c55cc248fff565) (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FfPvKigB.gif&hash=72c4cf97cf02266d1111365b9fe88f94f8a555bd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 27, 2015, 04:50:40 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/1932349_588466497915101_2107569556_n.jpg?oh=65ef8c55f7c29d88b4b305fea0682f03&oe=5607D088)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 27, 2015, 07:37:44 PM
Senior Driver

I was working in my front yard yesterday when I was startled by a car that veered off the roadway,  clipped the tree on the lawn and ended up in the bushes at the side of house.  Luckily it missed me by a couple of feet.
I rushed over to see if the driver was OK and discovered it was an elderly lady, who could hardly see over the dashboard.  I helped her out, and I sat her down on a lawn chair.
She seemed to be unhurt, just a bit shaken, but otherwise fine.  I said to her that she appeared to be rather old to be still driving a car.
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month."  I told her I was surprised that she still had a driver's license, and  she said she was now old enough that she didn't need one any more.
"You don't?" I asked.  I was amazed to hear that.
"No I don't," she said proudly.  "The last time I went to my doctor he examined my eyes and asked if I had a driver's license.  I told him yes and showed it to him.  He got a pair of scissors, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on May 27, 2015, 10:18:49 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJhhBu.gif&hash=379ed3475ac46816d4d5ee88e1f219fa83c742d6)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9mykX.gif&hash=43e17e2076a56636d1ae92984e3168f3694b670c)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzW4cy.gif&hash=401a9ce222b6deda0edeef05b4b0e46989c2a2ef)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FkaDQq.gif&hash=700331dae92469fb89762d63dc1b50f8abf9be88)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on May 27, 2015, 10:35:36 PM
^ Psh... that's an easy one: Happy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on May 27, 2015, 10:50:48 PM
Davin. That's the joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Firebird on May 28, 2015, 03:15:28 AM
So my father presented this to me as a joke, but it turns out this may have actually happened. Anyway...

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about morality and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) Which tire?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on May 28, 2015, 03:20:18 AM
Quote from: Firebird on May 28, 2015, 03:15:28 AM
So my father presented this to me as a joke, but it turns out this may have actually happened. Anyway...

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about morality and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) Which tire?

Hahahahahaha..... freaking awesome!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 28, 2015, 03:23:49 AM
Shrewd Professor  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on May 28, 2015, 11:51:59 PM
Laughed out loud, I did.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 29, 2015, 01:00:08 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-0/483858_393042714126230_1024191581_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=5923609bd9a2ee97ccaca0c3bf7e1831&oe=55C4B87B&__gda__=1442906026_d222c051ac2974cc0c2ca32685664357)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on May 29, 2015, 01:56:10 PM
Dense I know, but I don't know what I am looking at here.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 29, 2015, 02:00:08 PM
Quote from: Firebird on May 28, 2015, 03:15:28 AM
So my father presented this to me as a joke, but it turns out this may have actually happened. Anyway...

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about morality and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) Which tire?

Awesome on all points Fireybird, makes a nice little story.  :)

I told this yesterday evening to the crowd at the racquetball courts, unbeknownst to me one of the ladies present was professor at U.Michigan.

She laughed quite long and loud, so I imagine this morning it is making the rounds on campus.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 29, 2015, 02:17:35 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on May 29, 2015, 01:56:10 PM
Dense I know, but I don't know what I am looking at here.

It would appear as if these lads have blocked themselves in with their work, from the street signs I would pick someplace in the Netherlands, possible Dutch ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 29, 2015, 02:25:34 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on May 29, 2015, 02:17:35 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on May 29, 2015, 01:56:10 PM
Dense I know, but I don't know what I am looking at here.

It would appear as if these lads have blocked themselves in with their work, from the street signs I would pick someplace in the Netherlands, possible Dutch ;D

The place looks familiar to me, I think it is in Amsterdam.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on May 29, 2015, 02:53:59 PM
Hahaha I know that one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 29, 2015, 03:03:53 PM
Quote from: Firebird on May 28, 2015, 03:15:28 AM
So my father presented this to me as a joke, but it turns out this may have actually happened. Anyway...

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about morality and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) Which tire?

That's a good one.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 29, 2015, 03:06:50 PM
Apparently (well according to FB where I stole it from) it is outside the hospital in Belfast.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on May 29, 2015, 03:16:55 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on May 29, 2015, 03:06:50 PM
Apparently (well according to FB where I stole it from) it is outside the hospital in Belfast.

It isn't Ireland. For some reason it ended up as a derogatory slur against the Irish but it is in England.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpV5Ab.jpg&hash=285cfbe30c1b5c509eb60bc69648dac1528350d5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 29, 2015, 03:17:34 PM
Firebird's story reminded me of one from my own high school.

I was in science class and a guy in the back of the room was acting up.
The teacher was lecturing at the front of the room and called the boy up.
He then filled two beakers at the sink, one with cold water, one with hot, and said "Interesting fact: the nerves on the back of your hands can't sense heat and cold - let me demonstrate..."
He had the boy hold out both hands, palms down, and balanced the beakers on the back of them, then said: "Ok, which one has hot water in it?"
The boy said "Uh, the left one."
"Hmmm", the teacher said, "Guess I was wrong."
... then he proceeded to lecture while the boy just stood there stuck with the beakers!

(he was a cool teacher all round)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 29, 2015, 03:26:26 PM
Quote from: Crow on May 29, 2015, 03:16:55 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on May 29, 2015, 03:06:50 PM
Apparently (well according to FB where I stole it from) it is outside the hospital in Belfast.

It isn't Ireland. For some reason it ended up as a derogatory slur against the Irish but it is in England.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpV5Ab.jpg&hash=285cfbe30c1b5c509eb60bc69648dac1528350d5)

So is it real?  Did they really leave the van there when they built the bollards or is it photoshopped?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 29, 2015, 03:27:54 PM
Quote from: joeactor on May 29, 2015, 03:17:34 PM
Firebird's story reminded me of one from my own high school.

I was in science class and a guy in the back of the room was acting up.
The teacher was lecturing at the front of the room and called the boy up.
He then filled two beakers at the sink, one with cold water, one with hot, and said "Interesting fact: the nerves on the back of your hands can't sense heat and cold - let me demonstrate..."
He had the boy hold out both hands, palms down, and balanced the beakers on the back of them, then said: "Ok, which one has hot water in it?"
The boy said "Uh, the left one."
"Hmmm", the teacher said, "Guess I was wrong."
... then he proceeded to lecture while the boy just stood there stuck with the beakers!

(he was a cool teacher all round)

I really wish I was still a science teacher now!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on May 29, 2015, 03:45:41 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on May 29, 2015, 03:26:26 PM
So is it real?  Did they really leave the van there when they built the bollards or is it photoshopped?

Legit. There are no signs of clone or stamp tool and the lighting is identical. Plus that is a bog standard office building that is taken from so very unlikely there will be an artworker or designer working there.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 29, 2015, 06:11:23 PM
Often those bollards have a locking mechanism and you can lift them out if you have the key.  There are two like those keeping cars out of our village play park, but you can unlock them with a long thin screwdriver and take them out.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on May 30, 2015, 07:41:24 AM
Quote from: Tom62 on May 29, 2015, 02:25:34 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on May 29, 2015, 02:17:35 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on May 29, 2015, 01:56:10 PM
Dense I know, but I don't know what I am looking at here.

It would appear as if these lads have blocked themselves in with their work, from the street signs I would pick someplace in the Netherlands, possible Dutch ;D

The place looks familiar to me, I think it is in Amsterdam.
Message to me: Doh! wakey wakey
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on May 30, 2015, 09:49:33 AM
Heaps of room.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1poUbTf.jpg&hash=96c3acec18dd2bf71aaa108cfe64b5e100f7e205)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 30, 2015, 09:53:15 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/t31.0-8/s960x960/11130364_872415366127943_6000223134174201489_o.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on May 30, 2015, 10:11:08 AM
That dog looks a lot like our old dog.
It sounds like she sounds like her too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on May 30, 2015, 11:49:35 AM
When I was a boy, my mother would give me $1 and I'd go to the store and come back with two loaves of bread, three bottles of milk, two dozen eggs and a sack of potatoes.
You can't do that these days...too many damned security cameras!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 31, 2015, 09:28:39 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11045487_10153136954434425_2890190793144205426_n.jpg?oh=283a7fe54e282b6db44fae8c1334341f&oe=55C14064)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 31, 2015, 12:04:01 PM
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. 'Hello?'
'Hello, is this FBI?'
'Yes. What do you want?'
'I'm calling to report my neighbour Graham. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.'
'This will be noted.'
Next day, the FBI visit Graham's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, curse Graham and leave.
The phone then rings at Graham's house. 'Hey, Graham! Did the FBI come?'
'Yeah, they did.'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep, every piece.'
'Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden dug.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 01, 2015, 10:54:07 AM
^ Excellent!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on June 01, 2015, 05:00:26 PM
Quote from: Crow on May 27, 2015, 10:50:48 PM
Davin. That's the joke.
:D Yes, Crow. Exactly.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 02, 2015, 09:52:13 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/11351125_1088032911225145_3732213140002267939_n.jpg?oh=9b50dcb13435663bf8cbc8c78ae9ddc1&oe=55FFF8AD)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 02, 2015, 02:29:05 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-0/22207_809813099103003_6684671521616992633_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=3a73c8a60f7678725a9115ab25af1933&oe=55F3B459&__gda__=1441522010_cad20610fc06d5ece88400c158ca22ef)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 02, 2015, 02:33:30 PM
^^^ ;D

I know just what she is going through, I fucking hate that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 02, 2015, 03:15:38 PM
I've always thought it odd that it so often happens when I'm chopping veg with a giant knife.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 02, 2015, 03:17:51 PM
Exactly, I'll be like, "Hey I'm julienning beets here, get off me"!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 02, 2015, 05:58:33 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11377365_941753132535982_4411103683112423862_n.jpg?oh=ef30545e2d6bc9997e7e0748541843b1&oe=560A16DA)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 03, 2015, 09:01:26 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11329972_865334970198999_6278802041393050944_n.jpg?oh=8464f304bcb9354d966c241d35e6b695&oe=56024AA1&__gda__=1438560638_28537a3e880a88e2f7b5bd63174d6532)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 04, 2015, 08:28:24 AM
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 04, 2015, 09:56:30 AM
Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 04, 2015, 02:53:31 PM
Love it!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 04, 2015, 03:47:48 PM
Funny, but to be a bit pedantic Tank making false statements to police can be a chargeable offense, which could include jail time depending on the circumstances.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eugeny Anatolievich on June 04, 2015, 03:59:37 PM
I know this story. One Russian stand-up comic told it. Of course, the driver was Russian. It's an old story.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 04, 2015, 05:57:41 PM
Cast that first stone with the Jesus slingshot (http://dangerousminds.net/comments/cast_that_first_stone_with_the_jesus_slingshot)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 05, 2015, 07:42:32 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11053557_627625937273879_1480244254863053544_n.jpg?oh=33e6758c03b4286bdc7703205c860993&oe=56091151)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 05, 2015, 09:43:00 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/t1.0-9/11212_10151216463086863_598791414_n.jpg?oh=2a7099f348db22990a72685ea1d8b6ff&oe=55F0170E)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 05, 2015, 10:11:47 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/996043_10151798336442476_2131850180_n.png?oh=00275650c56e54e56791a35bc6862ec6&oe=55F06710)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Firebird on June 08, 2015, 12:13:22 AM
*GROAN*
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on June 09, 2015, 03:53:05 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xft1/v/t1.0-0/q81/s526x395/1558458_729932513718528_2113760818_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=2c56eaf17b18f185e53ebaff0c0a1066&oe=56020C63&__gda__=1446153661_d654912e45d523eefc54c34b279d7856)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 09, 2015, 06:38:26 PM
^^ I don't get it.  Who is the bloke?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 09, 2015, 06:44:47 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 09, 2015, 06:38:26 PM
^^ I don't get it.  Who is the bloke?
A character from an American TV series called MASH. He was called Radar because he always seemed to know what was going on before it happened.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 09, 2015, 06:51:51 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 09, 2015, 06:44:47 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on June 09, 2015, 06:38:26 PM
^^ I don't get it.  Who is the bloke?
A character from an American TV series called MASH. He was called Radar because he always seemed to know what was going on before it happened.

Doh!  I should have got that.  It looks like Harry Potter on my phone and I couldn't work out the link.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 10, 2015, 12:25:19 AM
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 10, 2015, 01:31:12 AM
Not to worry Claire. You can not be expected to know about one of our revered TV series about war.The popularity of the MASH series goes back several years to the Korean war era  and must surely be well be before your time.

MASH was an abbreviation that meant Military Advanced Surgical Hospital.  The script writers were near genius. They managed to combine blood and guts efforts to save wounded soldiers in a tent advanced position hospital with the height of mirth. That was a classic series not easy to duplicate.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 10, 2015, 01:35:03 AM
Anyone else follow "Shit Creationists Say" on Facebook?  Sometimes they just become tedious, like talking to certain posters we've had here.  But sometimes they make me laugh so much...

(https://fbcdn-photos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xat1/v/t1.0-0/11401037_385042201689372_2059984895542943122_n.png?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=15567088fc4d76fbaa06c92d2cc51e8a&oe=5633054F&__gda__=1441961360_acf309632ab597a18f864efe7bc34205)

(https://fbcdn-photos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xtp1/v/t1.0-0/1509198_385041951689397_4710133379010775276_n.png?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=f8ef2fb3fafa604af93145df19f5ee7b&oe=55F3229D&__gda__=1445901160_deea89b93d5cdcdc961b2d515e176f9f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on June 10, 2015, 01:36:58 AM
Quote from: Icarus on June 10, 2015, 01:31:12 AM
Not to worry Claire. You can not be expected to know about one of our revered TV series about war.The popularity of the MASH series goes back several years to the Korean war era  and must surely be well be before your time.

MASH was an abbreviation that meant Military Advanced Surgical Hospital.  The script writers were near genius. They managed to combine blood and guts efforts to save wounded soldiers in a tent advanced position hospital with the height of mirth. That was a classic series not easy to duplicate.

Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 10, 2015, 01:39:42 AM
Alright JJ I stand corrected.  Although the MASH layout was anything but mobile, I think that you are right.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 10, 2015, 09:52:47 AM
Quote from: Icarus on June 10, 2015, 01:31:12 AM
Not to worry Claire. You can not be expected to know about one of our revered TV series about war.The popularity of the MASH series goes back several years to the Korean war era  and must surely be well be before your time.

MASH was an abbreviation that meant Military Advanced Surgical Hospital.  The script writers were near genius. They managed to combine blood and guts efforts to save wounded soldiers in a tent advanced position hospital with the height of mirth. That was a classic series not easy to duplicate.
I used to watch it as a kid. I had a huge crush on 'Hotlips'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on June 10, 2015, 10:31:11 AM
As did we all. Nothing like a little death in the air to clear the mind and remind us of what's important.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 10, 2015, 10:48:24 AM
Quote from: Icarus on June 10, 2015, 01:31:12 AM
Not to worry Claire. You can not be expected to know about one of our revered TV series about war.The popularity of the MASH series goes back several years to the Korean war era  and must surely be well be before your time.

MASH was an abbreviation that meant Military Advanced Surgical Hospital.  The script writers were near genius. They managed to combine blood and guts efforts to save wounded soldiers in a tent advanced position hospital with the height of mirth. That was a classic series not easy to duplicate.

Mash was on over here as I was growing up and it was often on, so I  know who radar is I just didn't recognise him in that photo.

Also,  it's partly due to MASH that JJ and I started talking in the first place, so I really should have recognised him!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 10, 2015, 07:40:42 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/16822_602972289837813_4052573170413487120_n.jpg?oh=4ebbbb5c78a2a3f0341994932c68f6e3&oe=55E9DAE6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on June 11, 2015, 01:51:04 AM
^^^ (ouch!) ^^^
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 11, 2015, 09:53:32 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10613090_10152316670193030_2684044524920208118_n.jpg?oh=e61f0a0020b9a0bdb83ce490b1e460b5&oe=55ECABD1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 12, 2015, 07:59:53 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10628596_10152424117142027_242560218623252890_n.jpg?oh=3d75685004d48c49c2f3197105900b13&oe=55FA4938)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on June 13, 2015, 01:28:17 AM
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a mop."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on June 13, 2015, 01:33:14 AM
My dear Fork,

I know it was unfair to you that I left so suddenly, and for that I must apologize. Love can surprise anyone, and although it is no fault of yours, once I met Dish I just had to follow my heart.

Even so, I felt you should know that you have a son.

I named him Spork. He has your hair.

Love, Spoon

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 13, 2015, 05:52:26 PM
Oh, that's so sad.  I want to cry.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on June 13, 2015, 07:14:52 PM
Quote from: OldGit on June 13, 2015, 05:52:26 PM
Oh, that's so sad.  I want to cry.

Here, dry your eyes.

*offers Old Git a sandpaper towelette*
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 14, 2015, 03:08:47 AM
Quote from: Kent on June 13, 2015, 01:33:14 AM
My dear Fork,

I know it was unfair to you that I left so suddenly, and for that I must apologize. Love can surprise anyone, and although it is no fault of yours, once I met Dish I just had to follow my heart.

Even so, I felt you should know that you have a son.

I named him Spork. He has your hair.

Love, Spoon



Ha! A Spork.
I get it! :D
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fvignette3.wikia.nocookie.net%2Funcyclopedia%2Fimages%2Fb%2Fbb%2FSpork.jpg%2Frevision%2Flatest%3Fcb%3D20051013174428&hash=2e5178bf5728826e47c02dd16a1eb1c25c5eb145)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on June 15, 2015, 03:26:23 PM
Evolution vs Kansas

https://www.facebook.com/Kevin.Karstens/videos/2421883103051/

Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to embed this. Seth McFarlane hits the nail on the head.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 16, 2015, 10:50:12 AM
^funny!

IMPORTANT SCAM WARNING RECEIVED BY E-MAIL

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, "No", but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also May 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Let's be safe out there 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on June 16, 2015, 10:15:28 PM
Many thanks for the important public service announcement...We can never be too safe!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 17, 2015, 12:43:26 AM
Quote from: Lee on June 15, 2015, 03:26:23 PM
Evolution vs Kansas

https://www.facebook.com/Kevin.Karstens/videos/2421883103051/

Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to embed this. Seth McFarlane hits the nail on the head.

I don't think we can imbed videos, which is maybe a good thing considering some members have a tough time just with .gifs

In any case, Cosmos For Rednecks (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DI9ImScQGAo), also courtesy Seth McFarlane.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on June 17, 2015, 12:44:59 AM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on June 17, 2015, 12:43:26 AM
Quote from: Lee on June 15, 2015, 03:26:23 PM
Evolution vs Kansas

https://www.facebook.com/Kevin.Karstens/videos/2421883103051/

Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to embed this. Seth McFarlane hits the nail on the head.

I don't think we can imbed videos, which is maybe a good thing considering some members have a tough time just with .gifs

In any case, Cosmos For Rednecks (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DI9ImScQGAo), also courtesy Seth McFarlane.

LOL.... :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 17, 2015, 02:28:11 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xat1/v/t1.0-9/11401328_10153351711566730_8594798956957688108_n.jpg?oh=0955fd8f2ca9c7d49750570b31df2789&oe=56347387&__gda__=1441445957_37a00baee90df3ece1f768b08e87fd75)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 17, 2015, 06:44:55 PM
So OldGit goes into see his doctor, and after the examination is over the doctor tells him he needs a sperm sample, so he gives OldGit a jar with a lid on it, and says, "I know this might be difficult for you to provide the needed sample here in the office under these settings, so just take this jar home, and when you feel up to it go ahead and do what you need to do, and then bring the jar along with the sample in it back to my office".

The next day OldGit returns to the doctors office and hands the doctor the jar which is just as clean and empty as it was the day before so the doctor asks, "What happened, why is it empty"?

So OldGit he says, "Well Doc, it's like this - first I tried with my left hand, no good, so I tried the right hand and still no luck. So then I asked Mrs. Git to help. First she tried with one hand, then the other, even used both hands and still no luck".

"So than I called over the neighbor from next door, and she tried, and I have to tell you old Arleen gave it a hell of a go. She used her hands, an armpit, even squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing".

The doctor was shocked, he said, "You asked your neighbor to help as well"?

"Yep, said OldGit, why even her husband Roland gave it a try, and darn it if none of us could get that damn lid off".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 17, 2015, 07:12:42 PM
^ :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 18, 2015, 02:54:34 AM
A man went to a New York bank to borrow 5000 dollars for his two week trip to Europe. Bankers needs collateral. Man has a Ferrari with clear unencumbered title. Banker  says OK we will hold the Ferrari until you repay us. Done deal. Man gets his  5 grand and gives the keys to the banker. Bank impounds the car in a secure indoor place.

Man returns from his trip and promptly pays the loan along with $28.30 dollars auto storage fee.  Banker discovers that the man is filthy rich and 5 grand would be pocket change for him. He asks why did you borrow money from us. Man says where else could you store your car safely in New York, for two weeks, and pay only $28.30?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on June 18, 2015, 10:30:02 PM
Abe and Sol are out for a walk together when they pass a Catholic church.  The sign in front of the church says, "We'll give $1,000 to anyone who converts."

"Oy vey, 1,000 smackers for converting? They must be desperate," observes Abe.

Sol says, "Wait here, I'll be right back." He goes inside.

Some hours pass.  Finally, Sol emerges from the church and rejoins his friend Abe who is still waiting outside.

Abe asks, "What happened?"
"I converted." Sol says.
"Wow! Did they give you the thousand bucks?" says Abe.
Sol replies, "Is that all you people think about?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 19, 2015, 12:32:38 AM
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer let him go without even a warning.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 19, 2015, 08:06:33 AM
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/6f/dc/dc/6fdcdcbff4fc28bce66f0a31dfaf1870.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 19, 2015, 12:15:33 PM
Dogs are so cute and funny.


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FXFHkA4o.jpg&hash=695fb59261f7a78c2546834fdda2917591e4a1c0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 19, 2015, 10:04:33 PM
A nun wakes up one morning and as she's walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen the first door after hers opens up and another nun exits and says: "Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
As the first nun continues down the hallway this keeps happening.
"Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
"Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
By the end of the hallway, and 15 times later the first nun is LIVID, and marches straight to the head sister's office and throws the door open. The head nun goes to speak, when the other shouts:
"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I GOT UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING! IT'S ALL I'VE HEARD THIS MORNING AND I'M FED UP WITH IT."
The head nun, stunned, says calmly: "I was going to say nothing of the sort! I was merely going to ask - why are you wearing the bishop's slippers?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 25, 2015, 10:11:59 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/11254159_10154013851488986_5964176813019063692_n.jpg?oh=5b3a43d1e9cf4ea31c1b9176e34eca14&oe=55E6867D)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on June 25, 2015, 07:44:38 PM
Quote from: OldGit on June 25, 2015, 10:11:59 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/11254159_10154013851488986_5964176813019063692_n.jpg?oh=5b3a43d1e9cf4ea31c1b9176e34eca14&oe=55E6867D)

Funny!

Had to look up the site:
http://fakescience.org/the-habits-of-highly-successful-scientists/

Here's another one:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffakescience.org%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2015%2F06%2FNiels-Bohr.jpg&hash=46fe5355309ca614c2d1438a5dac789a1b7269ea)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 27, 2015, 08:28:49 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11061953_896918993684787_8110018771802058889_n.jpg?oh=22bfb3f2400245df742316420a3f3d2d&oe=56237B09)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on June 27, 2015, 04:59:29 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 27, 2015, 08:28:49 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11061953_896918993684787_8110018771802058889_n.jpg?oh=22bfb3f2400245df742316420a3f3d2d&oe=56237B09)

Hahahahaha, I hope that happens. One day in the future we will get a Christian nu-metal band called Rage Against the Gays with a picture of the preacher setting himself alight on one of their album covers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 27, 2015, 08:32:19 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11351323_10152791482586853_1920740361661304570_n.jpg?oh=2dadff5d196a7bf7034bd5a1fb1b3d8e&oe=55ECBB4F)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on June 27, 2015, 09:08:58 PM
Looks like a Hummassbird to me.  ;D :D ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 27, 2015, 10:44:30 PM
I think that Buddy will know 'cause it looks horsey to me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on June 28, 2015, 01:58:17 AM
A horsefly, of course, of course.

Next time, make the question harder, ok?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on June 28, 2015, 02:01:40 AM
Quote from: Icarus on June 27, 2015, 10:44:30 PM
I think that Buddy will know 'cause it looks horsey to me.

Looks like a mule to me. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on June 28, 2015, 02:45:30 AM
T'aint no dumbass, tho...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 28, 2015, 04:40:53 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/10885367_10152850248573204_331501046379350574_n.jpg?oh=a1def5183e7c8abe663875383478d27d&oe=561688D7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on June 28, 2015, 05:50:21 PM
^^^^ hahahahaha....  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 28, 2015, 11:55:56 PM
Good one OG.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 29, 2015, 01:23:58 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11392997_10154458489066959_4699115687775792479_n.jpg?oh=89cb344e22209e91c062bc23130687f9&oe=55EA6116)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on June 29, 2015, 02:04:28 PM
I don't like it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on June 29, 2015, 02:50:07 PM
Quote from: Eric V Arachnid on June 29, 2015, 02:04:28 PM
I don't like it.

You're a sour fuck Eric, what's your problem this time?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on June 29, 2015, 03:01:59 PM
Woman are a puzzle that a sub par can solve and not 3+ billion individuals.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on June 29, 2015, 03:19:43 PM
Hmm, anything else?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on June 29, 2015, 11:12:55 PM
Quote from: Eric V Arachnid on June 29, 2015, 03:19:43 PM
Hmm, anything else?


That's funny!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on June 30, 2015, 01:23:19 AM
Still relevant. (http://www.theonion.com/article/obama-help-us-destroy-jesus-and-start-a-new-age-of-29478?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:NA:FTA)

I especially like the bit about unlimited abortions up a year post birth.  For our delicious atheist needs.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on June 30, 2015, 02:14:11 AM
LMAO...

I liked the bit at the end best, especially since last weeks SCOTUS announcement. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on June 30, 2015, 04:29:03 PM
Not exactly a joke... but the jokes on them.

Confederate flag parade....  NSFW (not safe for work  ;D) language.

http://uproxx.com/webculture/2015/06/this-confederate-flag-parade-in-georgia-ends-in-the-most-hilarious-way-possible/?utm_source=FBTraffic&utm_medium=fijifrost&utm_campaign=CMfacebook&ts_pid=5


If I believed in Karma, this would be the best instant Karma ever.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 01, 2015, 08:52:47 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11692663_10205518556061004_3104559871086091451_n.jpg?oh=c9af205aca35a14278b017d4be832ce3&oe=5611DD45)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 01, 2015, 10:56:15 PM
^ Hoot Hoot!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 02, 2015, 12:46:03 AM
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 02, 2015, 09:21:22 AM
Britain when we have a 'heatwave'....

(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11174819_1449531698685665_6743822607659435996_n.jpg?oh=df75f603faf120b98e15511ee3671260&oe=5623E963)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 02, 2015, 09:24:41 AM
MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH!

Viagra is now available in tea bags.  It doesn't help with sexual problems, but it stops your biscuits going soggy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 02, 2015, 09:29:57 PM
 A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 02, 2015, 10:33:30 PM
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."


  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 03, 2015, 07:42:42 AM
 :D :D :D  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on July 03, 2015, 08:07:14 AM
Quote from: Lee on July 02, 2015, 10:33:30 PM
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."


  :P
Quote from: Tank on July 03, 2015, 07:42:42 AM
:D :D :D  >:(

Oooh, Tom Jones!!!
Well, she's all you'd ever want,
She's the kind they'd like to flaunt and take to dinner.
Well, she always knows her place.
She's got style, she's got grace, She's a winner.

:D :D :D >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 04, 2015, 10:15:36 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11709223_937654329611896_4204780666740545379_n.jpg?oh=43ee317c200e26df755a69aa32cd81f9&oe=562C5E60)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 04, 2015, 11:35:42 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ak0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2F5f%2Fa9%2Fd8%2F5fa9d8bad63c1e6940f9daf37af3163a.jpg&hash=02caf2c2db9fb0a714197c41e5906c5253a9fa02)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 07, 2015, 09:52:42 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11667368_772551252849810_2937444383334376518_n.jpg?oh=2429b794793c6984b2872a01ce02a711&oe=562A2A47)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 08, 2015, 09:26:23 PM
My friend said that he didn't want to be Asian anymore.

So I spun him around until he became disoriented.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 08, 2015, 09:40:06 PM
 :D :D :D >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 08, 2015, 09:49:27 PM
Anglo-EU Translation Guide

(https://scontent-vie1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/t31.0-8/11703455_648380918630756_7926258183228726163_o.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Michael1 on July 08, 2015, 10:16:28 PM
QuoteWhen I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 09, 2015, 12:06:51 AM
Quote from: Tom62 on July 08, 2015, 09:49:27 PM
Anglo-EU Translation Guide

(https://scontent-vie1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/t31.0-8/11703455_648380918630756_7926258183228726163_o.jpg)

Very interesting......
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 09, 2015, 06:57:34 PM
The Triassic Period is well-known for the development, in multiple species of prehistoric fauna, of two additional sets of buttocks.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 09, 2015, 07:41:05 PM
Quote from: Kent on July 09, 2015, 06:57:34 PM
The Triassic Period is well-known for the development, in multiple species of prehistoric fauna, of two additional sets of buttocks.

Evidence here?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqosS6DBwhA
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 09, 2015, 09:34:17 PM
Breaking news from the Middle East!

17,000 atheists rioted today when a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk....

Film at 11.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on July 10, 2015, 05:18:31 AM
AND burned copies of the Manual of Style and Usage.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 10, 2015, 12:19:30 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11667528_903860089637309_9196177357857018162_n.jpg?oh=d023cf80237286aad28118afe02e7680&oe=562036F4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 10, 2015, 12:23:22 PM
TV LICENSE INSPECTOR: Hello Sir, can we please check your TV license?

MAN: I don't have a TV, meaning I don't have aTV license.

TV LICENSE INSPECTOR: But we saw a TV aerial on the roof of your house.

MAN: Come in Sir, He opens the fridge pointed at the bottle of milk and asked; "what is this?

TV LICENSE INSPECTOR: Its milk sir but why do youask me such a silly question?

MAN: So if this is milk, does it mean I have cows in the house??

Credit: Nii Affum Sackey
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 10, 2015, 05:30:58 PM
The police technician strapped me firmly into the chair and attached the electrodes to my chest, head, and hands. I was all wired up for a Lie Detector test.

"I hope we can get this over with soon," I said as I squirmed uncomfortably, "I sure hate being bound up tightly like this."  The detective just rolled his eyes at me as the indicator zig-zagged wildly up and down the polygraph.

"All right, fine, fine, fine, I love it," I admitted.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 10, 2015, 11:30:01 PM
Q: What has four legs, and one arm?








A: A happy pit bull terrier!   ::)












Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 11, 2015, 09:40:56 AM
^  ;D ;D


Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:'You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.'
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he'd raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:'You see that bridge over there?'
The Spaniard replied:'No.'.....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 11, 2015, 05:29:53 PM
A man walks into a bar with a newt sitting on his shoulder.  The bartender sees it, and properly identifies it as a local species of newt rather than a salamander or a gecko, which pleases the man, so he orders a drink. 

The bartender, returning with his order and setting it on the bar, asks whether the little fellow has a name.

"His name is Tiny," replies the patron as he takes a sip of his drink. "What do I owe you?"

"Three fifty," the bartender replies. "Why do you call him that?"

"Because he's my newt."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 11, 2015, 05:34:24 PM
 ??? I don't get it
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 11, 2015, 05:37:46 PM
Quote from: Kent on July 11, 2015, 05:29:53 PM
A man walks into a bar with a newt sitting on his shoulder.  The bartender sees it, and properly identifies it as a local species of newt rather than a salamander or a gecko, which pleases the man, so he orders a drink. 

The bartender, returning with his order and setting it on the bar, asks whether the little fellow has a name.

"His name is Tiny," replies the patron as he takes a sip of his drink. "What do I owe you?"

"Three fifty," the bartender replies. "Why do you call him that?"

"Because he's my newt."


Bwahahahahaha........  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 11, 2015, 05:43:37 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on July 11, 2015, 05:34:24 PM
??? I don't get it

"because he's my-newt."

It's a pun play on words. Kent is quite the punster.  :D

mi·nute 2
   (mī-no͞ot′, -nyo͞ot′, mĭ-)
adj.
1.  Exceptionally small; tiny. See Synonyms at  small.

2.  Not worthy of notice; insignificant: a minute problem.

3.  Characterized by careful scrutiny and close examination: held a minute inspection of the grounds.


[Middle English, from Latin minūtus, past participle of minuere, to lessen; see mei- in Indo-European roots.]


mi·nute′ly adv.

mi·nute′ness n.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on July 11, 2015, 06:04:28 PM
or, iddy-biddy, to resort to the vernacular.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 11, 2015, 06:26:32 PM
Okay, that was a little obscure I guess.  So here's another pet joke.


A prize winning best-in-show pedigreed dog collapses on the floor in front of the owner. The horrified owner doesn't waste a second.  He scoops the dog up in his arms and runs straight to the veterinarian's office down the street.

Rushing into the vet's office he places the dog gently on the counter, and shouts, "My dog won't wake up!" The vet comes over and puts his stethoscope to the dog's chest.

"I'm sorry sir, but your dog is dead."

"No!" says the owner, "he's not dead!  He's a purebred world class champion in perfect shape!  He can't be dead. Aren't there any more tests you can do?"

"Sure, I could do more tests," says the vet.  He disappears to the back room and comes out with a black Labrador retriever and instructs the retriever to jump up onto the counter. The retriever slowly and carefully sniffs all around the dead dog, then looks up with a forlorn expression and shakes his head no, toward the vet.

The vet says, "Well I'm sorry sir he's gone.

"No! He can't be," the owner laments. "Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet walks into the back room again, and this time he comes back with a tiger-striped cat.  He places the tabby on the counter beside the dead dog. The cat sniffs all around the dog and after a few moments shakes his head at the vet, no.

"Well," the vet says, "I'm sorry your dog is dead and there is nothing I can do to bring him back to life. So if you could just pay the bill for today's visit to the secretary that would be best. The secretary hands him a bill for $1500. The owner is incredulous.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS FOR?"

"Well, it's $200 for administration fees, $600 for the Lab test and another $700 for the cat scan."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 15, 2015, 01:42:52 AM
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 15, 2015, 01:51:57 AM
^ An oldie, but a gooodie.  ;D




There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"... At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 18, 2015, 07:32:17 PM
Two best friends sat at the bar waxing philosophic about life, love, and the relentless passage of time. 

One of them spotted a pair of old geezers sitting across the bar from them, and remarked to his cohort, "Just think, Bill.  In a couple more years, that'll be us."

Bill sipped his beer thoughtfully, glanced across the bar for a moment, and proclaimed, "That's a mirror, you asshole."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 18, 2015, 07:55:01 PM
"Father, I have sinned" said the old Dutch farmer to the pastor.
"What have you done, my son?"
"I'd hidden two Jewish families in my shed, during WW-II".
"Well", the priest said ", that was a very humanitarian deed. There is nothing sinful about that"
"But, I charged them rent", the farmer said.
The pastor:  "That is not nice, but it is understandable, because you had more mouths to feed".
"That is not all", replied the farmer, "I told them only this morning that the war has ended".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 18, 2015, 10:49:22 PM
Tommy and Nick walk into a pet shop. They go straight to the bird section. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we'll take four of those budgies in that cage up there", says Nick, "Put 'em in a brown paper bag."
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Nick's van and drive until they reach a vertical cliff with a sheer 150-meter drop.
"This looks like a grand place", says Nick, so he pulls over and parks.
He then takes his two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Tommy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for several seconds followed by a loud "Splat!"  As Tommy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
"No way!" Tommy says, "This budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me..."

A few minutes later, James approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying a brown paper bag. James pulls a parrot out of the bag and also withdraws a big shiny pistol.
"Watch this, Tommy," he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Tommy watches as half way down James aims the gun at the parrot and blows its head off.  James continues to plummet until he joins Nick's remains at the bottom of the cliff.
Tommy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never tryin' that parrot-shootin' either..."

After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying a brown paper bag.  Danny pulls a live chicken out of the bag. He lifts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with much the same result.
Once more Tommy shakes his head.
"I swear, Danny, what the hell.  First there was Nick with his budgie jumpin', then James parrot-shootin' and now you with your hengliding..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 19, 2015, 09:44:44 PM
I was looking for another word for "thesaurus" so I looked it up in my thesaurus.

It said: "Don't be a smart-ass!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 19, 2015, 09:47:14 PM
Quote from: Kent on July 19, 2015, 09:44:44 PM
I was looking for another word for "thesaurus" so I looked it up in my thesaurus.

It said: "Don't be a smart-ass!"


bwahahahaha.....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 22, 2015, 08:23:50 AM
A woman buys 12 pairs of underpants for her husband; they are all the same colour.

Hubby: Why all same colour sweetheart? People will think I never change my underwear.

Wife: Which people?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 22, 2015, 09:34:20 PM
^  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 22, 2015, 11:16:13 PM
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please!  Today we will be conducting live power tool identification exercises, effective immediately.








This is not a drill.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 23, 2015, 06:30:28 PM
^^^ OFFS!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 23, 2015, 07:15:21 PM
An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"
"It's old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 23, 2015, 07:29:14 PM
A native American boy asked his father: "Dad, how did we get our names?"
"Well son," replies the father. "it all has to do with the way you are born.
For example, your sister was born in the morning, so we named her Rising Sun.
Your brother was born next to a river, so we named him Running Brook.
Why do you ask Broken Rubber?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 23, 2015, 09:02:22 PM
It has been claimed that I conduct myself with a casual, ineffable manner. 

And while much of that may well be true, I should point out to any ladies who may be present that I can actually be quite effable once you've consumed sufficient amounts of alcohol. 

Thanks, I'm here all week. Don't forget to tip your servers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 23, 2015, 10:25:33 PM
Quote from: Kent on July 23, 2015, 09:02:22 PM
It has been claimed that I conduct myself with a casual, ineffable manner. 

And while much of that may well be true, I should point out to any ladies who may be present that I can actually be quite effable once you've consumed sufficient amounts of alcohol. 

Thanks, I'm here all week. Don't forget to tip your servers.

Your avatar is adorable but do you think it's safe to post your own pic on the net. :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 23, 2015, 10:54:26 PM
Quote from: Lee on July 23, 2015, 10:25:33 PM

Your avatar is adorable but do you think it's safe to post your own pic on the net. :P

It's just an outdated driver's license photo, but it's the only one I have that shows my inner charm (a giant tongue).  What.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 24, 2015, 12:54:59 AM





SOMEWHERE... IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE...

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 24, 2015, 01:19:04 AM
^^^Nice one!

Passing through the airport security check on my way to board a flight the other day, I was asked whether I was in possession of any firearms. Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the kind of response they were expecting.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 24, 2015, 01:25:55 AM
Quote from: Icarus on July 24, 2015, 12:54:59 AM

SOMEWHERE... IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE...

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.



Somehow I just knew that US women would be the biggest bitch on the list.  :P :P :P


I like this version better.

SOMEWHERE... IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE...

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are so busy having a pissing contest over who has a bigger package that the woman gave up and is sleeping with carved coconut shell dong, perfectly satisfied because she is willing to try new things.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 24, 2015, 08:16:31 AM
True story.

I met a chap while working in the US in '88. He was so fed up with American women he deliberately planned to find an Asian wife while doing overseas service after completing university. First problem, being American, he had no fucking idea where anything is outside of America. So when asked if he wanted to go to Cameroon to teach English (they speak French in Cameroon) he was delighted as he thought it was Cambodia! Boy was he pissed when he found Cameroon was in Africa. However he was stuck with it so went.

On arrival he found all the 15/16/17 yo girls in his class flirting with him mercilessly. He found this more than a little disconcerting. He discussed this with his Cameroonian mentor/helper. This chap didn't understand the problem. Apparently as a professional American who would take his wife back to America he was the best 'catch' to come to the university since forever. His mentor did mention that to test the goods without intending to follow through with marriage would result in the girl's family killing him. So look but don't touch until you've made your mind up. He was, initially, horrified but one particular young lady caught his eye. They married and had two kids and then they came back to America.

In Cameroon his wife had been exactly what he was looking for she satisfied his every whim and looked up to him like a lord. Apparently this attitude didn't sit well with his sisters back in the USA. Within 6 months they had metaphorically beaten this attitude out of her. So he looks back on his time in Africa as his golden years.

No particular point to this story just triggered by the joke above.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 24, 2015, 12:40:22 PM
^^^^ Good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on July 24, 2015, 02:26:00 PM
Quote from: Icarus on July 24, 2015, 12:54:59 AM
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

Quote from: Lee on July 24, 2015, 01:25:55 AM
Somehow I just knew that US women would be the biggest bitch on the list.  :P :P :P
I like this version better.
- The two American men are so busy having a pissing contest over who has a bigger package that the woman gave up and is sleeping with carved coconut shell dong, perfectly satisfied because she is willing to try new things.

I would like to add 2 Latino men and 1 Latina woman to this stereotype joke.
-The two Latino men will encourage the Latina woman to take a look at the winner of the--Who Has A Bigger Package? Competition, and the carved coconut shell dong. This should motivate her to build a raft big enough for three.  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 24, 2015, 04:43:38 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on July 24, 2015, 02:26:00 PM
Quote from: Icarus on July 24, 2015, 12:54:59 AM
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

Quote from: Lee on July 24, 2015, 01:25:55 AM
Somehow I just knew that US women would be the biggest bitch on the list.  :P :P :P
I like this version better.
- The two American men are so busy having a pissing contest over who has a bigger package that the woman gave up and is sleeping with carved coconut shell dong, perfectly satisfied because she is willing to try new things.

I would like to add 2 Latino men and 1 Latina woman to this stereotype joke.
-The two Latino men will encourage the Latina woman to take a look at the winner of the--Who Has A Bigger Package? Competition, and the carved coconut shell dong. This should motivate her to build a raft big enough for three.  ::)


LOL.... that's right!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 24, 2015, 07:09:33 PM
Quote from: Tank on July 24, 2015, 08:16:31 AM
True story.

I met a chap while working in the US in '88. He was so fed up with American women he deliberately planned to find an Asian wife while doing overseas service after completing university. First problem, being American, he had no fucking idea where anything is outside of America. So when asked if he wanted to go to Cameroon to teach English (they speak French in Cameroon) he was delighted as he thought it was Cambodia! Boy was he pissed when he found Cameroon was in Africa. However he was stuck with it so went.

On arrival he found all the 15/16/17 yo girls in his class flirting with him mercilessly. He found this more than a little disconcerting. He discussed this with his Cameroonian mentor/helper. This chap didn't understand the problem. Apparently as a professional American who would take his wife back to America he was the best 'catch' to come to the university since forever. His mentor did mention that to test the goods without intending to follow through with marriage would result in the girl's family killing him. So look but don't touch until you've made your mind up. He was, initially, horrified but one particular young lady caught his eye. They married and had two kids and then they came back to America.

In Cameroon his wife had been exactly what he was looking for she satisfied his every whim and looked up to him like a lord. Apparently this attitude didn't sit well with his sisters back in the USA. Within 6 months they had metaphorically beaten this attitude out of her. So he looks back on his time in Africa as his golden years.

No particular point to this story just triggered by the joke above.

Wow.  As an American citizen, I find it deeply troubling how un-knowledgeable many of my fellows are on such diverse subjects as world geography, history of civilizations, and cultural/ tribal differences among populations, just to name a few.   It's almost as if they believe that the US is the only country in the world worth knowing about. 

For example, I recently spoke with an otherwise well-heeled, well-spoken gentleman who had never before heard of Mesopotamia, nor did he have the slightest clue where the Carpathian Range was, or how long the Faroes ruled Egypt before selling it all to the British Museum. 

Can you imagine?   :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 24, 2015, 07:24:40 PM
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 24, 2015, 07:43:11 PM
^ROFL  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on July 24, 2015, 07:58:45 PM
Quote from: Lee on July 24, 2015, 07:24:40 PM
"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
ROFL!!
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.reactiongifs.com%2Fr%2Frofl.gif&hash=39f1aba029825d39785b144a605aa0ac82e4b716)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on July 24, 2015, 08:30:55 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.gifbin.com%2Fbin%2F112013%2Freverse-1385332153_hair_clap.gif&hash=bfe0f56330bb1166a77b84a24c046408b9824bef)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 25, 2015, 01:40:14 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11000280_1047319385284589_6852512397826861181_n.jpg?oh=4f7d33edb6f04634f6ecadcb9de84b87&oe=564CCF22)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 25, 2015, 01:57:39 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages1.tickld.com%2Flive%2Farticles%2Fa_838_20150610091707.jpg&hash=83a48d31d5ccb4cc038640f77999514fcf575c91)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 25, 2015, 02:00:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages1.tickld.com%2Flive%2Farticles%2Fa_838_20150610091817.jpg&hash=bca6e6b85460dea1e60b309bd247dd0ad536f78d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 25, 2015, 02:03:06 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages1.tickld.com%2Flive%2Farticles%2Fa_838_20150610091840.jpg&hash=f502bf26be630956aa6350dd0259f0d9159c88a0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Larry on July 25, 2015, 04:03:49 PM
Fables for our times...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 25, 2015, 08:09:07 PM
A woman won the Lotto and became an overnight millionaire. 

The following day after collecting her winnings, she went to the local dairy farm and asked whether they could provide her with sufficient milk for a bath, something she had always wanted to try.

"Certainly," said the farmer. "That shouldn't be a problem in the least.  Would you like it Pasteurized?"
"Oh, no," replied the woman, "just up to my tits would be fine."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 28, 2015, 05:37:06 AM
Funny two-liners

1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.

2. My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they're efficient and not very funny.

5. What do you call a dog with no legs.
It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.

6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.
You have my Word.

7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.

8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.

9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.

10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.

11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.

12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
The bartender gave it to her.

14. Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism.

15. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.

17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag -
You can hide but you can't run.

18. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

19. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheberg.

21. Someone stole my mood ring,
I don't know how I feel about that.

22. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist.

23. The first rule of Alzheimer's club,
Is don't talk about chess club.

24. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

25. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 28, 2015, 02:14:29 PM
I love those type of jokes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 29, 2015, 10:43:33 AM
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.  He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.  The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.  The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.  The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people.  Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady.  May I sit there?  I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!  Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 29, 2015, 02:10:33 PM



^^^^ ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 29, 2015, 06:22:49 PM
A randy young sailor from Poole
found a red ring round his tool
when he rushed to the clinic
the doctor, a cynic
said: "wash it, it's lipstick you fool.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on July 29, 2015, 06:30:55 PM
^^^
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FBbgL7x3.gif&hash=ce8de318dea252466267db1eb91aba4021e0c08c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 30, 2015, 12:13:24 AM
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office.  "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals.  We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.  You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.  We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"  General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds" Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!" General: "That's a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: "What!  Son, where is your left pinky?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on July 30, 2015, 02:08:51 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kent on July 31, 2015, 05:51:31 PM
To all the surviving wounded and victims' families of the recent multiple-fatality traffic accident in Venice, Italy I would like to extend my deepest gondolences.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 31, 2015, 07:20:22 PM
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 31, 2015, 07:23:33 PM
^  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 05, 2015, 07:41:39 PM
(https://scontent-vie1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/10350615_773257156045675_5022980711465562848_n.jpg?oh=d6a4dee86d8e6551a6dbe8b46bb879c2&oe=56385AC7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on August 05, 2015, 07:49:14 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on August 05, 2015, 07:41:39 PM
(https://scontent-vie1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/10350615_773257156045675_5022980711465562848_n.jpg?oh=d6a4dee86d8e6551a6dbe8b46bb879c2&oe=56385AC7)


LMAO.... priceless!

To my grandsons... "stay out of Mimi's toy box!"   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on August 05, 2015, 08:18:51 PM
 ;D ;D ;D (very funny... eight thumbs up!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 06, 2015, 04:35:35 AM
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?"  "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."  The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." 
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.  Relax and enjoy yourself."  The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. 
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"  The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." 
She said, "Well, there you are.  You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!  Isn't that a little extreme?"  The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?  It's only 2130 now."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 06, 2015, 03:27:41 PM
This is supposed to be a cookie cutter of a fluffy cloud, with a rainbow jutting out of it, and a pot of gold at the end...not sure why I don't see that, but I'll be baking this weekend.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1vsqFPM.jpg&hash=807449f72338f55a59de5d3d7d16d3db133c8b67)

I'll make a batch of small of white vanilla cookies to have with tea, and then a big batch of chocolate cookies to have with milk or coffee.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 06, 2015, 10:13:32 PM
(https://scontent-vie1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11816808_10153074098846452_8081186697015556277_n.jpg?oh=69c3bb54783128ce882406ff52dc5213&oe=563A6A9A)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on August 06, 2015, 10:23:43 PM
Quote from: Sir Bruno on August 06, 2015, 03:27:41 PM
This is supposed to be a cookie cutter of a fluffy cloud, with a rainbow jutting out of it, and a pot of gold at the end...not sure why I don't see that, but I'll be baking this weekend.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1vsqFPM.jpg&hash=807449f72338f55a59de5d3d7d16d3db133c8b67)

I'll make a batch of small of white vanilla cookies to have with tea, and then a big batch of chocolate cookies to have with milk or coffee.

SO I made the mistake of searching for a vagina cookie cutter because I thought it would be a funny post to match yours... no, don't do it.... just don't.  :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 06, 2015, 10:41:09 PM
 OK, I won't, but obviously you are implying that there is such a thing! :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on August 07, 2015, 12:53:23 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on August 06, 2015, 10:41:09 PM
OK, I won't, but obviously you are implying that there is such a thing! :o

No, no there wasn't but still.... ewwww. lol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on August 11, 2015, 04:27:00 AM

Today's Ordering Adventure... SNL Live...

Guy At Arby's: May I take your order?
Me: French Dip & Swiss
GAA: What?
Me: French Dip with Swiss
GAA: With sweet?
Me: Swiss Cheese
GAA: Sweet Tea?
Me: SWISS CHEEEEESE!!!
GAA: Oh... well it already comes with that.
Me: *sigh*
GAA: What?


lmao....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 12, 2015, 10:23:14 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10801951_1499239290364121_4763986762210102896_n.jpg?oh=6d36d9db10e067af9cf2a7d857f75f17&oe=5643D2CC)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 13, 2015, 05:00:51 AM
^ good un.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 13, 2015, 08:50:09 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11846644_885965204817834_6667645225643551059_n.jpg?oh=5c9cedbdce98756182f5a3ccd7f855af&oe=56498DD7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 14, 2015, 09:52:29 AM
A woman makes an appointment with her doctor. She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says, "Doctor, I've got a problem that I am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me."  The doctor writes her a prescription and says,

"Take 2 of these a day and see me in a week"

The woman comes back in a week and says,

"These pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible"

The doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 15, 2015, 09:12:45 AM
Very funny OG.

I read this on Facebook this morining, not sure this is the right thread but here goes -

An opinion without 3.14 is just an onion.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 15, 2015, 09:14:37 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11822477_994958017192367_3613121425817705801_n.jpg?oh=edfa60e8abce64fb190a3d1303582354&oe=5677EEFF)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 15, 2015, 09:50:34 AM
Ha ha. Love play-on-words jokes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 15, 2015, 10:26:55 AM
 
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
"Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on August 15, 2015, 03:20:07 PM

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

- sip the vodka, don't gulp

- there are 10 commandments, not 12

- there are 12 disciples, not 10

- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass

- we do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook

- when Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "eat me."

- the Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "mary with the cherry"

- the recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God."

- next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's





Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 16, 2015, 03:45:18 PM
I laughed out loud at that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on August 17, 2015, 02:54:56 AM
This is not really a joke but a very funny story.

https://www.distractify.com/mykafox-never-too-old-to-scream-fanny-1291630692.html?ts_pid=2&ts_pid=2

Little Old Lady Annihilates Subway Slut-Shamer

Remember kids, you're never too old to scream "vagina" in public.
  Myka Fox 
Like Distractify on Facebook

Pro-tip: in England "Fanny" means "Vagina."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on August 17, 2015, 03:17:01 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fqtations.com%2FContent%2FImages%2FQuotes%2Fqtation33831.png&hash=caaff4a3387886582ca2a4d29b6341cb0ab38995)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on August 17, 2015, 03:38:10 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

now he's a believer.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 17, 2015, 04:22:57 PM
 :D :D :D :D

(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/11406970_931022330270273_9203682243784403700_n.jpg?oh=c719a774ee1bf0b50dc1a474f98c9885&oe=567DD7D4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 17, 2015, 05:54:35 PM
^^
Ooh-la-la!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lee on August 17, 2015, 05:55:52 PM
Just think if he was in an Armani suit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on August 18, 2015, 04:44:01 PM
Quote from: Lee on August 17, 2015, 02:54:56 AM

Pro-tip: in England "Fanny" means "Vagina."


I'm not going to comment that it probably means female pudenda because I've already outed a plesiosaurish as a non dino. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 20, 2015, 06:48:51 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/10405551_10153518963521575_8606927868990226731_n.jpg?oh=3bb8effb0875cd76629cc9b4ff2b07c7&oe=564214A1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 20, 2015, 05:12:14 PM
^^
That's funny.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 22, 2015, 08:54:22 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/1005466_10151606414111840_534572615_n.jpg?oh=0e715950f267a84d83c626ac5c33f90d&oe=567E3D28)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 22, 2015, 04:28:07 PM
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.

She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well, not exactly - it's her that suffers, not me."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 23, 2015, 03:47:07 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/10271582_10152342379996112_3645930786347226427_n.jpg?oh=49a1abf3685ad62c564eb23289c708c0&oe=5678E27F)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 23, 2015, 04:47:09 PM
It's funny but is it really a joke?

(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpl1/v/t1.0-9/11953211_512204365611076_3992114558126632626_n.jpg?oh=05ffdfa2d73e812655d1965e1d8a136f&oe=563AC9FE)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 23, 2015, 04:56:39 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11249917_737546659682968_1693360685484038583_n.jpg?oh=2f8a22933151c4455f1a6b8a5b546e5d&oe=56723568)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 24, 2015, 07:09:47 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11873446_1053798744644272_6809501247244284068_n.jpg?oh=c4535183f47e84a3f029a890c4f7820b&oe=563B6C16)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 25, 2015, 06:08:09 AM
^  :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on August 25, 2015, 04:26:10 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.cheezburger.com%2Fcompletestore%2F2011%2F12%2F9%2F62592c92-6fbb-451d-9028-2b5c2da441ad.jpg&hash=2e96305da794e9463e26227fe56fcaf26e95c7fe)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 26, 2015, 06:22:56 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11898549_1104702999549269_6104084127861424973_n.jpg?oh=d417e14e478100dce0513331df0adb45&oe=5679DC35)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 28, 2015, 05:00:32 AM
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.  They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.  The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.  They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...  Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 29, 2015, 02:48:18 PM
YES!!!!














































(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-9/11960210_10153527334071730_6764551322331951021_n.jpg?oh=6e8c81b3c78ee2e1dc0c47c9483595be&oe=566B73FB)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 29, 2015, 06:30:53 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTUGH3P7.jpg&hash=b2034dd8ca53756e747c35f3512f24438897873b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 29, 2015, 08:16:00 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 29, 2015, 02:48:18 PM
YES!!!!














































(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-9/11960210_10153527334071730_6764551322331951021_n.jpg?oh=6e8c81b3c78ee2e1dc0c47c9483595be&oe=566B73FB)

Love dem little green balls - been eating them all my life, and not dead yet.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on August 29, 2015, 08:54:14 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on August 29, 2015, 08:16:00 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 29, 2015, 02:48:18 PM
YES!!!!














































(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-9/11960210_10153527334071730_6764551322331951021_n.jpg?oh=6e8c81b3c78ee2e1dc0c47c9483595be&oe=566B73FB)

Love dem little green balls - been eating them all my life, and not dead yet.

Me too. I think they're particularly good fried with bacon.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 30, 2015, 09:42:03 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11947638_959191044139253_6782536846108961244_n.png?oh=26e51c9cbf9952e62c88dd4d19b052de&oe=567E3BDA)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 30, 2015, 09:47:32 AM
Quote from: ClaireMe too. I think they're particularly good fried with bacon.

I think they're best when in the rubbish sack. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 30, 2015, 02:00:45 PM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 31, 2015, 03:28:46 AM
Quote from: Davin on August 25, 2015, 04:26:10 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.cheezburger.com%2Fcompletestore%2F2011%2F12%2F9%2F62592c92-6fbb-451d-9028-2b5c2da441ad.jpg&hash=2e96305da794e9463e26227fe56fcaf26e95c7fe)
This is funny, and I like it, but I find it odd that someone would think  blurring out the "U" in fucking makes it cleaner or less offensive?

Sort of strange.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 31, 2015, 10:09:02 AM
Good one, Guardian! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 31, 2015, 11:23:11 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1013776_741090435931363_91099889_n.jpg?oh=9c1211669e461c6bbafa845899b08153&oe=566C5881)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on August 31, 2015, 01:07:29 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 31, 2015, 11:23:11 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1013776_741090435931363_91099889_n.jpg?oh=9c1211669e461c6bbafa845899b08153&oe=566C5881)

Groan!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 31, 2015, 01:32:12 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 31, 2015, 11:23:11 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1013776_741090435931363_91099889_n.jpg?oh=9c1211669e461c6bbafa845899b08153&oe=566C5881)

USER BANNED FOR THIS POST
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on August 31, 2015, 01:46:27 PM
A photon checks into a hotel. "Any luggage?" asks the receptionist. "No," replies the photon "I'm travelling light".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 31, 2015, 02:29:53 PM
Two bacteria walk into a bar. "We don't serve microbes in this establishment" says the bartender.
"But we work here. We're staph."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on August 31, 2015, 02:30:35 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on August 31, 2015, 01:46:27 PM
A photon checks into a hotel. "Any luggage?" asks the receptionist. "No," replies the photon "I'm travelling light".

Ok, if we're going there...

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 31, 2015, 04:04:01 PM
A seal walks into a club.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 31, 2015, 04:18:43 PM
Three pieces of string walk into a bar. String one orders a beer. The barman asks to see some ID so the string produces his drivers license, collects his beer and goes to sit down. The second string orders a beer. The barman asks to see some ID so he produces it, collects his beer and takes a seat next to the first. The third string orders a beer and the barman asks "you got any ID, fella?". "No", says the third string, "I'm a frayed knot".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 31, 2015, 04:58:45 PM
LAST FOUR USERS BANNED FOR THEIR POSTS
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 31, 2015, 05:54:34 PM
A man calls 999 and says: "I think my wife is dead."
The operator says: "How do you know?"
He says: "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 31, 2015, 06:36:24 PM
I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten c**t split on me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 31, 2015, 09:11:20 PM
A cloud of helium drifts into a bar. "We don't serve any noble gases in this bar" says the brtender.
The helium doesn't react.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 01, 2015, 09:56:16 AM
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said: "You obviously haven't been listening."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 02, 2015, 05:24:20 AM
Such a closing remark would be hazardous to your health OG.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 04, 2015, 02:14:55 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPepKPwH.jpg&hash=472b84dc1cdc2816a8b732882e7d12bb2123161e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on September 04, 2015, 03:48:57 PM
The fact that there's a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 04, 2015, 05:47:44 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/11811439_599161720221677_7956617879868394717_n.jpg?oh=e5d83bd4b5cdbc3ee20284e6b1a42e48&oe=56ABDCCB)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 04, 2015, 05:58:10 PM
See what happens when you don't wash a beard properly!














































(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/10462483_10152340072371662_6161863109422013841_n.jpg?oh=338cb547afeea4c274ea159127397d48&oe=567F1E6C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 04, 2015, 06:21:49 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/s526x395/11933422_1105444182807904_3667515017192088353_n.jpg?oh=20090638d9ccb2d95845005de252bf4d&oe=566604D6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 04, 2015, 06:26:10 PM
I was almost too lazy to post this.










































(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10306252_530593560378280_4571985367528265198_n.jpg?oh=e3cf54e362e47ef9eee4d6775e9f093b&oe=56641610)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 05, 2015, 02:32:53 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.troll.me%2Fimages%2Fscience-cat%2Fi-would-make-another-chemistry-joke-but-all-the-good-ones-argon.jpg&hash=8c4c396d485d1e79cb131e9ffc8c670582af72bb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 05, 2015, 09:04:41 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11752465_1596508067275586_6824621205815980050_n.jpg?oh=81c5ee88d5a97d126b9a44d9012ccf2c&oe=56780C4A)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 05, 2015, 04:37:23 PM
^^^ LOL!

(tank's on fire!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 05, 2015, 05:45:42 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12222_10153118971264046_8637767928266425982_n.jpg?oh=fd2f2c9d11cdea6360570aa9059f2fc7&oe=5667CB00)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 05, 2015, 11:46:26 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 05, 2015, 05:45:42 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12222_10153118971264046_8637767928266425982_n.jpg?oh=fd2f2c9d11cdea6360570aa9059f2fc7&oe=5667CB00)

What's wrong with cuddling Tank, I like to cuddle.







Apparently this guy didn't pass...
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwArPHdV.jpg&hash=9857f5d22f8a92efedb6f62a4b3db74b1550cf68)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on September 06, 2015, 01:29:38 PM
(https://scontent-vie1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11885337_919643598114651_4073362244711594131_n.jpg?oh=86716f464f2ed55db9be1d9737c3163d&oe=5668EA7D)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Michael1 on September 06, 2015, 02:40:59 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi127.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fp122%2FInfernoRed_2006%2FFindX.jpg&hash=a0ff2c54f1803a7c166793f70f61d18a9983cac5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 07, 2015, 02:49:54 AM
 >:(
Quote from: Tom62 on September 06, 2015, 01:29:38 PM
(https://scontent-vie1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11885337_919643598114651_4073362244711594131_n.jpg?oh=86716f464f2ed55db9be1d9737c3163d&oe=5668EA7D)
;D  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 07, 2015, 08:36:58 PM
A Father walks into hotel with his family, and while checking in at the front desk asks the clerk if the porn channel in their room is disabled, and the clerk replies, " It's just regular porn you sick fuck".





Today I was offered sex with a beautiful woman. In exchange for the sex I only had to advertise a new kind of bathroom cleaner to all my friends and family, as well as spread the word on social media.

Of course I declined such a proposition, after-all not only am I married, but I'm also a person of extremely high moral standards (Practically full blown Pentecostal I'm so fucking righteous) along with a strong will power.

How strong you ask?

We'll just as strong as the new "Misty Delight" bathroom cleaner, now available scented with soft hints of lemon or vanilla, and available at most major retail outlets.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on September 10, 2015, 10:36:53 AM
How times have changed, (for the better).  Finally getting round to sorting out my father's papers, and found this joke he got my mum to tell at a Ladies' Night he organised for the company he worked for. 

Before they're wed, she sinks into his arms; afterwards she's up to her arms in the sink!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 10, 2015, 06:26:20 PM
This showed up on my FB credited to John Cleese, which I don't entirely doubt, but also it's FB:

NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. 

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 10, 2015, 06:57:53 PM
That's very good PC, very good. ;D ;D

We should come up with some for America.

Hows about:

From "War" to "All Out War", to "Armageddon"?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 10, 2015, 07:50:24 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on September 10, 2015, 06:57:53 PM
That's very good PC, very good. ;D ;D

We should come up with some for America.

Hows about:

From "War" to "All Out War", to "Armageddon"?
That's pretty good, but Armageddon is so two thousand and late. Space will be the battlefield for World War III. Come on Bruno de la Pole, you gotta keep up with destruction fashion.  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on September 10, 2015, 08:24:38 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on September 10, 2015, 06:26:20 PM
This showed up on my FB credited to John Cleese, which I don't entirely doubt, but also it's FB:

NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. 

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Like it a lot.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on September 10, 2015, 08:34:15 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on September 10, 2015, 06:57:53 PM
That's very good PC, very good. ;D ;D

We should come up with some for America.

Hows about:

From "War" to "All Out War", to "Armageddon"?

What about:
From "Business as usual" to "Business as usual", to "Business as usual"?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 10, 2015, 09:07:43 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on September 10, 2015, 08:34:15 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on September 10, 2015, 06:57:53 PM
That's very good PC, very good. ;D ;D

We should come up with some for America.

Hows about:

From "War" to "All Out War", to "Armageddon"?

What about:
From "Business as usual" to "Business as usual", to "Business as usual"?

I think you nailed it Tom, perfect, ...which is sad.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 10, 2015, 10:48:42 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on September 10, 2015, 06:57:53 PM
That's very good PC, very good. ;D ;D

We should come up with some for America.

Hows about:

From "War" to "All Out War", to "Armageddon"?

"Business as usual" to "Election coming up" to "Hey! There are brown people doing stuff over there!" To "Shit, we're low on oil again!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on September 11, 2015, 12:27:45 AM
...I realized I forgot the "prove our nuclear dick is bigger than Russia" level.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 11, 2015, 01:04:33 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on September 10, 2015, 10:36:53 AM
How times have changed, (for the better).  Finally getting round to sorting out my father's papers, and found this joke he got my mum to tell at a Ladies' Night he organised for the company he worked for. 

Before they're wed, she sinks into his arms; afterwards she's up to her arms in the sink!

Funny... reminded me of this one:

"They say a man's not complete until he's married... then he's finished!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 11, 2015, 10:06:01 PM
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.  He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm commanding a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse, mate. Your call."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on September 12, 2015, 10:01:26 PM
This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

My driving licence.

My car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 13, 2015, 06:18:38 AM
Whoooeee Claire is on a rant. I say give 'em hell girl. 

If it is any consolation, we have some of that same bullshit here in the US.

Why would it cost 30 pounds for a duplicate birth certificate?  That seems excessive.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on September 14, 2015, 01:18:00 AM
Blimey. Did she/he ever get a passport I wonder?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 14, 2015, 04:58:54 PM
An attorney is driving down a country road and sees two men in a field on their hands and knees eating grass.
He pulls over and asks "Uh, what are you guys doing?"
One of the men stands up and says "We can't find jobs in this economy, and we're hungry. So we decided to eat this grass"
The attorney replies "You're both welcome to come over to my house and eat. C'mon - hop in the car!"
The men say "We've got our families here too..."
The attorney says "They're welcome too. Gather them up and get in."
Once they're all in the car, the attorney starts driving toward home and says "You're gonna love it at my house - the grass is almost a foot high!"

(thanks to my neighbor for that one)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 15, 2015, 08:47:36 PM
^ Cruel lawyer joke  :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on September 17, 2015, 12:04:20 AM
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

He gets taller.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean Prime on October 06, 2015, 07:51:13 PM
Just testing to see what the db will do...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 06, 2015, 08:52:38 PM
Quote from: Asmodean Prime on October 06, 2015, 07:51:13 PM
Just testing to see what the db will do...
By db do you mean Douche-Bag?

Don't know why you wouldn't just refer to JJ by name ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 06, 2015, 09:20:50 PM
Who knoweth what The OmniAsmoest of all Asmos meaneth?!  8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on October 07, 2015, 12:34:39 PM
Quote from: Icarus on September 13, 2015, 06:18:38 AM
Whoooeee Claire is on a rant. I say give 'em hell girl. 

If it is any consolation, we have some of that same bullshit here in the US.

Why would it cost 30 pounds for a duplicate birth certificate?  That seems excessive.

I don't think Claire was on a rant, she was probably just doing her ironying (it's a new word, vote for it please).  Probably ran out proper quote tags too, you know whose fault that is.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Eric V Arachnid on October 07, 2015, 12:46:18 PM
Quote from: Pasta Chick on September 10, 2015, 06:26:20 PM
This showed up on my FB credited to John Cleese, which I don't entirely doubt, but also it's FB:

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

I think "Crikey! I wonder in what benighted region our foreign masters will want us to be killing this time." would be more appropriate.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 08, 2015, 02:03:56 PM
A Honduran magician tells the audience that he will make himself disappear on the count of 3.

He says,"Uno, dos..."and poof he disappears without a tres.

Without a tres mi amigos.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 10, 2015, 02:17:39 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 08, 2015, 02:03:56 PM
A Honduran magician tells the audience that he will make himself disappear on the count of 3.

He says,"Uno, dos..."and poof he disappears without a tres.

Without a tres mi amigos.

I can't believe none of you humorless fucks replied to my joke above, because that was some funny ass-shit.

Such a dour bunch here...too many Brits. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Firebird on October 11, 2015, 06:26:59 AM
I did, but it was lost when HAF crashed. In fact, so many of us started laughing and commenting about it at the same that it crashed the forum for weeks. So there you go. All your fault. Thanks a lot Bruno.

;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 11, 2015, 08:22:02 AM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 10, 2015, 02:17:39 PM
I can't believe none of you humorless fucks replied to my joke above, because that was some funny ass-shit.
^^^
This is funnier than your joke.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 11, 2015, 09:50:03 AM
You cannot have too many Brits.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 11, 2015, 02:49:53 PM
I'm bloody offended Bruno de la Pole and I'm telling the queen of you. You'll be lucky to get thrown in the Tower, but I think she'll have you hung, drawn and quartered; that will be my recommendation, especially now we know it was you who caused the Crash of '15.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 11, 2015, 08:42:41 PM
Mat's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 11, 2015, 10:20:27 PM
I don't know if this has been posted before, but anyways here goes:

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you.  I can't get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct.  I meant "wi fi", not "wife".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 03:38:44 PM
Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBOLPlNkPLY)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 12, 2015, 03:46:44 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 03:38:44 PM
Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBOLPlNkPLY)

Good video^^...I sent that to my niece who thought it was super funny, earned me some valuable Uncle points it did, thanks!

All this talk about me causing the forum crash because of my awesome, funny joke, although possible seeing how funny the joke was is not plausible seeing how I posted it after the crash recovery so good try. :P

Did you folks here about teh global moderator who was sooooo boring the other mods noticed?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 04:47:59 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 12, 2015, 03:46:44 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 03:38:44 PM
Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBOLPlNkPLY)

Good video^^...I sent that to my niece who thought it was super funny, earned me some valuable Uncle points it did, thanks!

;D

QuoteDid you folks here about teh global moderator who was sooooo boring the other mods noticed?

Do tell us.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 12, 2015, 05:54:32 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 04:47:59 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 12, 2015, 03:46:44 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 03:38:44 PM
Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBOLPlNkPLY)

Good video^^...I sent that to my niece who thought it was super funny, earned me some valuable Uncle points it did, thanks!

;D

QuoteDid you folks here about teh global moderator who was sooooo boring the other mods noticed?

Do tell us.

I was just asking a question...anyway I'm not saying anything more as I may end up getting banned for all eternity.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 06:18:45 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 12, 2015, 05:54:32 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 04:47:59 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 12, 2015, 03:46:44 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 03:38:44 PM
Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBOLPlNkPLY)

Good video^^...I sent that to my niece who thought it was super funny, earned me some valuable Uncle points it did, thanks!

;D

QuoteDid you folks here about teh global moderator who was sooooo boring the other mods noticed?

Do tell us.

I was just asking a question...anyway I'm not saying anything more as I may end up getting banned for all eternity.

??? I was hoping that was the prelude to a good joke but oh well... :P

I would try to think up a "how many moderators does it take to change a lightbulb" joke but I'm really not good at making them.  :-X Heh.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 12, 2015, 07:23:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 06:18:45 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 12, 2015, 05:54:32 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 04:47:59 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 12, 2015, 03:46:44 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 03:38:44 PM
Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBOLPlNkPLY)

Good video^^...I sent that to my niece who thought it was super funny, earned me some valuable Uncle points it did, thanks!

;D

QuoteDid you folks here about teh global moderator who was sooooo boring the other mods noticed?

Do tell us.

I was just asking a question...anyway I'm not saying anything more as I may end up getting banned for all eternity.

??? I was hoping that was the prelude to a good joke but oh well... :P

I would try to think up a "how many moderators does it take to change a lightbulb" joke but I'm really not good at making them.  :-X Heh.

Actually that is the joke XSilver ;D

How the mod is even more boring than mods generally are, so the other mods actually noticed it, cuz' mods are such boring folk...(That's what Davin told me, definitely not my own personal opinion of mods)

Anyway reminds me of this joke I told a friend of mine who is an accountant.

A woman is at the doctor when he informs her that she has a terminal illness and at best 6 months to live. She asks the doctor if there is anything at all she could possibly do to extend her life, and the doctor replies, "Sadly there isn't, but as I know you are single person I would go out an marry the first account you meet".

"Why should I do that, she said, will that make me live longer"?

"No, it won't make you live longer", says the doctor, "but the six months you are married to the accountant will feel much longer".

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on October 12, 2015, 09:01:24 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 12, 2015, 07:23:46 PMHow the mod is even more boring than mods generally are, so the other mods actually noticed it, cuz' mods are such boring folk...(That's what Davin told me, definitely not my own personal opinion of mods)
That is surprisingly almost verbatim. Though you edited out all my favorite expletives.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FG4nHCKe.jpg&hash=46fae78e55b31a1080746af45d5fac3e02f63a0a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 09:53:34 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 12, 2015, 07:23:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 06:18:45 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 12, 2015, 05:54:32 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 04:47:59 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 12, 2015, 03:46:44 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 03:38:44 PM
Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBOLPlNkPLY)

Good video^^...I sent that to my niece who thought it was super funny, earned me some valuable Uncle points it did, thanks!

;D

QuoteDid you folks here about teh global moderator who was sooooo boring the other mods noticed?

Do tell us.

I was just asking a question...anyway I'm not saying anything more as I may end up getting banned for all eternity.

??? I was hoping that was the prelude to a good joke but oh well... :P

I would try to think up a "how many moderators does it take to change a lightbulb" joke but I'm really not good at making them.  :-X Heh.

Actually that is the joke XSilver ;D

How the mod is even more boring than mods generally are, so the other mods actually noticed it, cuz' mods are such boring folk...(That's what Davin told me, definitely not my own personal opinion of mods)

Anyway reminds me of this joke I told a friend of mine who is an accountant.

A woman is at the doctor when he informs her that she has a terminal illness and at best 6 months to live. She asks the doctor if there is anything at all she could possibly do to extend her life, and the doctor replies, "Sadly there isn't, but as I know you are single person I would go out an marry the first account you meet".

"Why should I do that, she said, will that make me live longer"?

"No, it won't make you live longer", says the doctor, "but the six months you are married to the accountant will feel much longer".

Oh I see. One of the "leave you hanging" variety.  (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femoticons%2Fobject%2Fnoose-smiley-emoticon-emoji.png&hash=7c42d18c2694393dc28e85f24acc19d43af8a861) :(

There's an art to telling jokes that I just don't get. I'm the life of any party.  :P

As for accountants, I personally know a couple and can verify that time does indeed take on torturous proportions when in their company. 
 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 12, 2015, 10:57:46 PM
How many moderators does it take to change a lightbulb?


-CENSORED-







;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2015, 11:02:48 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on October 12, 2015, 10:57:46 PM
How many moderators does it take to change a lightbulb?


-CENSORED-







;D

LOL  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 13, 2015, 05:49:21 AM
One for my dear scientists:  ;D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FGNYMcfR.gif&hash=e95ca1126be00dd4c1ef4513a9cafd2e977fd306)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 16, 2015, 07:49:55 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1520758_10152102679648847_1481624502_n.jpg?oh=f7e343ec482b0678395b6a6b7123aff8&oe=56C5AE85)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean Prime on October 16, 2015, 11:52:10 PM
Pussy, among other things... Or so Asmos hear from legends and such.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 20, 2015, 05:43:20 AM
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/80/84/e0/8084e081307544c3fb4e5b7f4ab2b8ad.jpg)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1389blog.com%2Fpix%2Frimshot.gif&hash=3947ac51daf7753756317495d5dfe1f9df31762a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 22, 2015, 06:33:48 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/1948185_10152377372297792_7946091218669266026_n.jpg?oh=9aae55261eb20d0e97a25ffb0de92c6a&oe=56BF062A)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 22, 2015, 10:25:11 PM
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 23, 2015, 04:36:33 PM
Halloween from Gary Larson's perspective.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FjbQTISz.jpg&hash=8737005da05aa3ba516f327168289d0c76569019)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FbUmghNO.jpg&hash=920b3f82f9f3044f6ada85c02d34f83d4546e9f4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 23, 2015, 04:41:12 PM
I love Gary Larson's comics! My father had the entire Far Side collection and I would read them over and over again when I was a kid!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 23, 2015, 06:38:46 PM
 :clapping:
Those are funny, Bruno de la Pole.
(About time you posted funny ones.)  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 24, 2015, 12:13:56 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on October 23, 2015, 06:38:46 PM
:clapping:
Those are funny, Bruno de la Pole.
(About time you posted funny ones.)  :P

What are you talking about all my jokes are funny.

For example:

Dad: what you got there, son?
Son: soy milk
Dad: Hola soy milk, soy tu Padre

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 24, 2015, 12:25:28 AM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 24, 2015, 12:13:56 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on October 23, 2015, 06:38:46 PM
:clapping:
Those are funny, Bruno de la Pole.
(About time you posted funny ones.)  :P



What are you talking about all my jokes are funny.

For example:

Dad: what you got there, son?
Son: soy milk
Dad: Hola soy milk, soy tu Padre

This one is better.

Mahatma Gandhi as you know walked barefoot most of his life.
Which produced calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which caused him to be frail, and his odd diet gave him bad breath.

This made him...









A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 24, 2015, 03:26:03 AM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 24, 2015, 12:25:28 AM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on October 24, 2015, 12:13:56 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on October 23, 2015, 06:38:46 PM
:clapping:
Those are funny, Bruno de la Pole.
(About time you posted funny ones.)  :P



What are you talking about all my jokes are funny.

For example:

Dad: what you got there, son?
Son: soy milk
Dad: Hola soy milk, soy tu Padre

This one is better.

Mahatma Gandhi as you know walked barefoot most of his life.
Which produced calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which caused him to be frail, and his odd diet gave him bad breath.

This made him...









A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftrendom.co%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2015%2F03%2Ftyler-oakley-gif.gif&hash=f0d0cd9aaa8f685a2f75e32be5ac1bea55f6ab40)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 26, 2015, 03:44:52 PM
I have many chemistry jokes.

I'm just worried they won't get a good reaction.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 26, 2015, 05:19:21 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on October 26, 2015, 03:44:52 PM
I have many chemistry jokes.

I'm just worried they won't get a good reaction.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FrtxWYCH.jpg&hash=887f45be13203e2adeac22b6475b3472147a6b31)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 26, 2015, 06:09:30 PM
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 26, 2015, 08:36:43 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FMdGuhKp.jpg&hash=81d0eac056f1c14e87f43f593ed13e623223c80c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 26, 2015, 10:27:59 PM
People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 26, 2015, 10:46:17 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on October 26, 2015, 03:44:52 PM
I have many chemistry jokes.

I'm just worried they won't get a good reaction.

I knew a chemist, the guy was brilliant but totally dilutional.  :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 31, 2015, 08:58:32 AM
(https://scontent-arn2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11924303_1246399755381033_4635773939699902507_n.jpg?oh=25699354bfd05a4018bb6bb4e9efe9f7&oe=56C95D0C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 31, 2015, 09:13:47 AM
 :)Hilarious; I really did laugh out loud.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 03, 2015, 09:54:54 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/1381585_10151760507178602_1154720123_n.jpg?oh=54a15b38ac31b0bd076cb4ac9671fc39&oe=56B94D02)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 03, 2015, 07:00:31 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3b3832722e63ef13df5f-655e11a96f14b2c941c4bc34ef58f583.r35.cf2.rackcdn.com%2Fproduct_images_new%2FTruffleShuffle_com_Mens_Black_Darth_Vader_Santa_Star_Wars_T_Shirt_23_99_Print-810-1140.jpg&hash=aaebf6e39ed4329173c4f7f6c0825ae53859e092)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 03, 2015, 07:40:48 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.joesdump.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2015%2F11%2FHappy_AllTheDays.jpg&hash=abd012275baced882a8d9b762fc059b67c093a98)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 04, 2015, 01:52:47 PM
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"  8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on November 05, 2015, 10:26:09 PM
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?



















She chewed off 3 legs, and was still stuck in the trap.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 06, 2015, 10:39:41 AM
A realistic Irish weather forecast.

https://www.facebook.com/TheIrishTake/videos/572658482886714/ (https://www.facebook.com/TheIrishTake/videos/572658482886714/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 06, 2015, 05:50:56 PM
^^^
That's fekkin hilarious! :grin:
Thanks for posting that, OldGit
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 08, 2015, 04:27:31 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on November 06, 2015, 05:50:56 PM
^^^
That's fekkin hilarious! :grin:
Thanks for posting that, OldGit.
Tunder! Litenin! Evrytin!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 10, 2015, 02:53:13 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fg5fGelt.jpg&hash=95eb2e3d6ce647b10b11241c2bce596fa131668f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 11, 2015, 05:51:32 AM
Today I was at the park wondering why frisbees seem to grow larger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 11, 2015, 05:58:52 PM
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on November 11, 2015, 07:21:46 PM
Two guys are walking down the street, they see a dog licking himself:

First guy: "I wish I could do that."

Second guy: "Maybe you should pet him first."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on November 17, 2015, 10:42:27 AM
 :dance: :dance:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on November 20, 2015, 10:49:20 AM
Two guys walk into a bar.












And the third one ducks.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on November 23, 2015, 12:25:03 AM
Terrible joke ahead.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 24, 2015, 07:59:56 PM
^ Clever!

(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10428629_10152451517590738_4621679217520123419_n.jpg?oh=4b517d7d2e9f097098864cf0d25d2b88&oe=56FAC242)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 28, 2015, 09:50:55 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/12249793_1131913620211846_3311075867154007408_n.jpg?oh=77efd49caccada953bae9b16219fe5e1&oe=56D67932)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on November 28, 2015, 10:00:14 PM
^ Is that for real? That couldn't be for real, I thought. I googled it. It's for real, it seems. :lol:

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 28, 2015, 11:58:24 PM
(https://scontent.fsvg1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/12105939_10153713169296489_5679305803422846366_n.jpg?oh=837900cd252b6fb9a259472f0b5f2638&oe=56E1D8AB)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 29, 2015, 08:11:41 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on November 28, 2015, 10:00:14 PM
^ Is that for real? That couldn't be for real, I thought. I googled it. It's for real, it seems. :lol:
It's the most fantastic bit of free advertising you can imagine.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 29, 2015, 08:08:28 PM
 That area code is for eastern Missouri. I would have guessed it to be a Texas area code....or Alaska.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 03, 2015, 06:05:19 PM
A Sign From The Heavens

(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12310588_915769671838143_2714885886590119637_n.jpg?oh=2e808839101fd04abf971e476a1f636d&oe=56DDDAD0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 04, 2015, 02:22:32 AM
^  Bwaa ha ha!  Way to go OG.  I'm going to have to get out my telescope to look for that constellation.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 04, 2015, 03:10:17 AM
LOL OG. Makes perfect sense. :P

Test question:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iflscience.com%2Fsites%2Fwww.iflscience.com%2Ffiles%2Fstyles%2Fifls_large%2Fpublic%2Fblog%2F%255Bnid%255D%2Fredditimgur.jpg%3Fitok%3D1JPCTXAa&hash=017ed44ed1c844846f651a5ebeabff0801514902)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 04, 2015, 09:08:52 AM
^ WTF ?  :???:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 07, 2015, 06:48:52 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10526140_10152893214224275_6129393480733166431_n.jpg?oh=935d291bbb4d5ad5cc680449fecaeedf&oe=56EB743C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 07, 2015, 06:51:41 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/12341326_10153824493796450_9202345304304103468_n.jpg?oh=3ae53306e5218ae63cf30aaf2d72fc90&oe=571AD28C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 08, 2015, 11:10:12 AM
Australian Telephone Helpline Operator: "G'day mate .. Helpline here ... What's the problem?"   

Customer:  "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Helpline Operator: "Bummer!"

Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 09, 2015, 06:44:56 AM
^ Zounds Git, that's a goodun.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 09, 2015, 11:47:14 PM
An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 10, 2015, 01:28:22 PM
Quote from: OldGit on December 08, 2015, 11:10:12 AM
Australian Telephone Helpline Operator: "G'day mate .. Helpline here ... What's the problem?"   

Customer:  "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Helpline Operator: "Bummer!"

Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye."

I can only echo Dick Emery for that one OG: "Oooh you are awful, but I like you"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 12, 2015, 12:45:08 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12321495_443679085829778_4033226746057160031_n.jpg?oh=15f3bdc44ce3c64c1ff39ab0c8dd396b&oe=56DEF6CE)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 12, 2015, 12:47:06 PM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 13, 2015, 02:55:14 PM
Fwog him Centuwian!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 15, 2015, 11:43:36 AM
21 Hilariously Blasphemous Tweets About God (http://distractify.com/humor/2015/11/28/jason-lords-name-in-vain?utm_content=inf_10_53_2&tse_id=INF_d9022c7560644630a00f0da0334c1e7d&ts_pid=43)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 16, 2015, 12:02:13 AM
After that one xSp, my jokes are too tame.   I like the centipede and snake one best.


My enfeebled effort:

Q: How do you know a politician is telling lies?
A: his lips are moving.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 17, 2015, 05:19:06 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/12360132_531569817012236_6665789400988853800_n.jpg?oh=195402ee9c0184fe8dbae06295f2501d&oe=56E00A83)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on December 20, 2015, 06:26:12 PM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/10288711_10153820505309913_610999640120746771_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=926a82b82fe3449cb9d5712f2321cc56&oe=57129891)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 24, 2015, 08:04:21 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/12375971_1073369646036661_4644866692488720309_n.jpg?oh=0ad9705d6bc478e71af9ff8427446785&oe=5710EA94)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 24, 2015, 08:11:22 PM
A girl in India eloped with her boyfriend.
The whole family was depressed when suddenly she came back after 3 days.
Dad: Just get out. Don't say anything.
Mom: Already you have killed us. Now why did you come back?
Brother: Why are you irritating us. Just get out.
Girl: "I forgot my Nokia charger....so I came back to collect it."

Moral of the story: Nokia will give three days battery backup!
~ Sheshadri Sampige
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 26, 2015, 06:38:24 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgur.com%2FOLNiyRQ.jpg&hash=67f7d8010444ad9b04b8f385608880da846cc3b6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 29, 2015, 01:38:20 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F-GSVanEFf8bg%2FTuYa_IjRPmI%2FAAAAAAAB8Js%2F4BXToIShUc0%2Fs1600%2FFunny%2BMilitary%2BPictures%2B%25252891%252529.jpg&hash=7e8cc6cbc300d36ab48485ffbd0d3241a062037e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 29, 2015, 02:40:07 PM
This year the National Association of Psychologists held their annual conference at a local ski resort.

I have never seen so many Freudians slip.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 29, 2015, 04:41:08 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpl1/v/t1.0-9/944936_825447304233437_7579199759950322086_n.jpg?oh=997dc85d4beceb491f71a476a20924ad&oe=571FE705)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 30, 2015, 07:14:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Follege_zpseirdkauc.jpg&hash=0fd2ea54423ba3f71ba1d8557c0fabe8e2908791)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 01, 2016, 09:29:14 PM
One has to wonder exactly how dressed up Ms. Jackson is when she shops at Wal-Mart?

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnxhfjHW.jpg&hash=5ac4f0a81cfac980776e2bef60fc760069c893a2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 02, 2016, 07:31:51 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/1934262_10204188194745590_7733485366658074910_n.jpg?oh=b77dc34ea46214f59677668ddc11e4ea&oe=570FBACF)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 03, 2016, 01:12:37 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10290616_10205391449254710_1037788932885360435_n.jpg?oh=5aea303253bbad32273ebf7798bb3ef3&oe=571B8BB6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 03, 2016, 06:41:42 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 03, 2016, 01:12:37 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10290616_10205391449254710_1037788932885360435_n.jpg?oh=5aea303253bbad32273ebf7798bb3ef3&oe=571B8BB6)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FtTc9cKQ.gif&hash=cf38b82d92034e476578a0da98219db71c083ea9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on January 04, 2016, 03:38:32 PM
^ :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 06, 2016, 07:37:04 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/12360029_1171104376252079_6703911423261204964_n.jpg?oh=818e798c7c9716780b3823ac07d9418b&oe=574479E7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 07, 2016, 01:25:49 AM

^

What's up with the current adult fad for coloring?  Tank posted the one for lazy people, which is a hoot.

My wife bought several adult coloring books and colored pencil sets as Christmas presents for her lady friends. I thought that she was being rude to her friends but was lectured about how much adults enjoy coloring. She said that it is a therapeutic exercise, something like non kinetic yoga.

Gotta' get me one of those books and pencil boxes. Especially one that is completed only with black and white.  ;D

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 07, 2016, 02:18:08 AM
I love the coloring books that I got for Christmas. They are great for stress relief.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on January 07, 2016, 05:14:43 AM
My wife gave me alcohol markers and an adult colouring book for Christmas. I was disappointed that there were no nude pictures in the book  :(.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 07, 2016, 06:40:38 AM
Colouring can be very relaxing.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on January 07, 2016, 12:05:31 PM
I'd feel stressed by the need to get it finished.  Nothing like a good book and a red wine to relax.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 09, 2016, 05:14:57 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/12508762_10156351174665176_1499909611333164225_n.jpg?oh=8fe64bbd06ac3d0ec02bb0d2cec9974c&oe=570B0CB9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 09, 2016, 07:35:12 AM
^^
Ha-ha! I like it.  :snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 10, 2016, 01:30:34 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on January 09, 2016, 07:35:12 AM
^^
Ha-ha! I like it.  :snicker:

This is better Mags!

Did you hear about the frog who learnt Latin prose composition? The other frogs said of him "scribit, scribit"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 10, 2016, 02:51:18 AM
^^
:unsure: Too complicated.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 10, 2016, 03:07:05 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on January 10, 2016, 02:51:18 AM
^^
:unsure: Too complicated.

How about this one?

julius caesar walks into a bar, sits down, orders a martinus. bartender gives him a weird look and says "don't you mean a martini?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2016, 03:52:30 PM
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2016, 04:17:00 PM
I wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

- Henny Youngman
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 11, 2016, 02:05:54 PM
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves sharing the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. 

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." 

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, how about we pretend we're married?" 

"Why not," giggles the woman, 'Your kinda cute". 

"Good," he replies, "Get your own blanket."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 16, 2016, 02:35:23 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnvV2wS5.jpg&hash=72ae49d73171f8d276c1a2205e29a2d09b866a29)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 16, 2016, 04:25:12 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11891264_1183243768359215_66450827043163960_n.jpg?oh=0481890b3bd4da3f86e7570dda83aa00&oe=57018788)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 16, 2016, 06:56:03 PM
^^
I like it.  :snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 17, 2016, 08:50:44 AM
Harold is my hero!!!

(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpl1/v/t1.0-9/1455919_725636817536087_4109066402355189333_n.jpg?oh=c6a8cb5d7f5150803b1a6ca18baae211&oe=5737778E)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 18, 2016, 01:09:58 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/t1.0-9/1017473_10152208911930396_240825243_n.jpg?oh=ea2a0e3163a6c88c7b0aed1cac5a8af3&oe=573D53D4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 20, 2016, 12:42:58 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/10437560_10150388425744982_8457862513280799874_n.jpg?oh=8e2edd97debf387b34de0eba0c2d1a8d&oe=56FE29FD)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 20, 2016, 12:50:03 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/12549060_10205287935500157_4711915468641633564_n.jpg?oh=05f9cc41ce73ee906000e8275fbfe29d&oe=5743C193)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 20, 2016, 01:09:32 PM
A man asked me to explain what indifference was? I told him
"I don't know and I don't care."
He didn't seem to understand.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 20, 2016, 01:13:34 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/12508892_948241218564035_2753885503726464915_n.jpg?oh=1121fcac93ded499707d49f5aba32ac1&oe=57473A0C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 20, 2016, 02:02:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwrmNVhC.jpg&hash=4503afc77d6d126ea6170a54e9568b233a4ebdaa)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 20, 2016, 10:11:27 PM
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."
The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf."
The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 20, 2016, 10:15:41 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11227646_918492684899797_2568386031456510868_n.jpg?oh=694ba257c2334eba3cd134456a8f06ef&oe=5734C1CD)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 21, 2016, 12:26:25 AM
Somewhat off-color joke follows (hidden for sensitive or young eyes)

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 22, 2016, 05:11:09 PM
The true spirit of this sign is slipping away!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fpm4ygJP.jpg&hash=b21984ff381010f45bf92c736f5a65779ff67a67)


Good luck finding this kat!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fvnu3RlB.jpg&hash=c888d78791be8cc88fda73ba38acefd867259138)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 22, 2016, 06:10:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fglobal3.memecdn.com%2Flove-between-cats-and-dogs_o_1019546.jpg&hash=84a83c6394eb423fefbd925b47792badef43f5ae)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 23, 2016, 08:19:39 PM
Girl: Come over.
Boy: Can't babe, snowed in, there's no way I'm going out in this blizzard!
Girl: My parents are out of town.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FCRWJpvg.jpg&hash=7a6a46982b27c9bfe0eef021f5ebc0b328eeb500)



For those on the east coast dealing with the Blizzard of 2016 (PC)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 26, 2016, 11:02:15 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.challies.com%2Fsites%2Fall%2Ffiles%2Ffunny-book-vs-e-book-picture.jpg&hash=088bf83bc4db43969a16bb17335632d76bed8583)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 27, 2016, 03:45:53 AM
^^ And you said my jokes are bad?

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FWvqCefU.jpg&hash=20cfe2822e9006ca491fc1cf493d58997f6c4d99)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 27, 2016, 12:56:01 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/12553017_1094623887249320_3929005911649472916_n.jpg?oh=6f827697bf8e2552e8029f0c1a16c27c&oe=57435E6B)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 30, 2016, 06:38:31 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlt1/v/t1.0-9/12631335_979722448780561_1755882442363325468_n.jpg?oh=6ffd8a6e49dce12044817b60b4980f95&oe=5738F111)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 30, 2016, 11:38:18 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12647373_933582843388768_7991654118878268463_n.png?oh=f28e74b7ba35ec9fab0920941dc30993&oe=57313493)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 30, 2016, 12:02:37 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-9/12654398_879993278783639_1109972854523811562_n.jpg?oh=14f04503e29d39ebafb2b560ad63c90a&oe=573A3610)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on January 31, 2016, 05:03:23 PM
Two terrorists having discussion in a bar. The waiter asks them what the discussion was about? Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.. Waiter :- Why a donkey? Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 04, 2016, 02:08:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FsTwW6h0.jpg&hash=b09a3653f968fec1e8bb93bb11bf5f750864f6da)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 04, 2016, 02:52:42 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.phillyjazz.org%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F12%2FBad-joke.jpg&hash=45cd9f33c0213e95afd6fdf21a80767fc46956e6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 04, 2016, 03:20:29 PM
Scene: Extremely sad kat sitting in a bar.

Barteder: What'll ya have?
Kat: Shot of bourbon
Bartender [Pours it]
Kat[Slowly pushes shot glass off the bar]
Kat: Hit me again.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 04, 2016, 06:36:07 PM
JJ: Hey Sir Bruno, what's your favorite position while making love in bed?
Me: Near the wall so I can use my phone while it's charging.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2016, 06:47:27 AM
One for Icarus

(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/12743924_553941331448650_1232579690536259465_n.jpg?oh=686d31645f586e2bc70c35d59a44a5a7&oe=5723DEBD)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2016, 08:31:22 AM
(https://scontent-ams3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlt1/v/t1.0-9/12717645_965593890191717_4540279410343080987_n.jpg?oh=3786d3aebcb0ef059080732a2fd9f52c&oe=57689BD7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 20, 2016, 07:12:48 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmilingspot.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2015%2F10%2FfileyKi9yD_0.png&hash=d91dd06800547cd0c06ee27be4904a6c21161d23)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 20, 2016, 06:25:36 PM
^^^
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 20, 2016, 08:30:49 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlf1/v/t1.0-9/12742742_977815735628174_4718593490489669156_n.jpg?oh=4cdbe05d4dac12615d231908e0b0526e&oe=5759E10F)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 22, 2016, 05:30:58 AM
I think I've angered the computer gods...I have no sound.  :(

(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/6f/06/35/6f0635e37f2632b099a5235d64cf95b6.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2016, 06:54:31 AM
Guess where I found this Bluenose!

(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12733558_462737977258410_878168027594469162_n.jpg?oh=982363bfef2067316031fc29f6a677e8&oe=57571D1A)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2016, 09:04:39 PM
"A husband and wife are shopping in their local HEB. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 26, 2016, 09:38:04 PM
This is very true...

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSNfCc3A.jpg&hash=71352d269436acbe5f0423c7e0a3ff4093f98a35)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 27, 2016, 01:30:58 PM
(https://scontent.fman1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/12745773_481142035409017_6792138464065261269_n.jpg?oh=8dac5f57d0146d95acacac618ac3ddf0&oe=576F4212)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 27, 2016, 03:07:24 PM
^^^ good one OG!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 27, 2016, 06:11:15 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FVQvxPtA.gif&hash=b957abea7372e53c886523f32f8c0dc107aaf9f9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 29, 2016, 01:14:17 PM
(https://scontent-fra3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/12744544_10153941094703866_1989900672360475456_n.jpg?oh=be9350dea1357027da332dac3b030018&oe=574B917D)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: chimp3 on March 01, 2016, 10:53:34 AM
A Democrat and a Republican are shown a glass filled halfway with water. They are asked to comment on the glass being half empty or half full. The Democrat says "Well , I am an optimist so the glass is half full". The Republican says "Hey , who the hell has been drinking out of my glass!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 01, 2016, 02:33:07 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FQZCSswU.jpg&hash=c59cdd3b3bf4af9d1438fc989d4babbbb3836b17)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 03, 2016, 07:03:58 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xlf1/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/12814366_1492122294150552_4274295287412071197_n.png?oh=175341c3c2e10b2a260e71b0bb720238&oe=575CB07B)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 03, 2016, 07:18:14 PM
^^^^ LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 05, 2016, 05:56:01 AM
New prequel to the movie "Planet of the Apes".

2016
There's no way Donald Trump can become President


2017
There's no way President Trump will fire all those nukes at Russia just because Putin said he had a small penis.


3017
Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 05, 2016, 09:22:43 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.kgbreport.com%2Fimages%2Fescher.jpg&hash=c6479a7e20befa4db73c93bb5dae476b051d04c1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 05, 2016, 02:31:33 PM
(https://scontent.fman1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtl1/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/12795565_578190249006121_4360981969724769697_n.jpg?oh=363c92cc4c74800c7f2b641f1cca0577&oe=5796E8B9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 07, 2016, 08:23:56 AM
(https://scontent-fra3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-0/s552x414/12798881_10208436529848964_9112679689190489878_n.jpg?oh=17d6f26b3d229f11986d93f6dd4ec805&oe=57591523)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 07, 2016, 12:31:37 PM
^ Love it!

:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 12, 2016, 09:52:47 AM
A car salesman knocks on your door.
"I have the best car ever! It's better than any other car on Earth! It's been made just for you!"
"Great. Can I see the car?"
"No.Sorry. You have to die first."
"What idiot would buy that car?"
"Theists."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 12, 2016, 11:47:02 PM
That one rather cerebral Tank.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: chimp3 on March 14, 2016, 10:17:52 AM
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 14, 2016, 02:31:20 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtl1/v/t1.0-9/12800244_1310759242273934_6678675833857138176_n.jpg?oh=a6df9d8d9172de371c37056aa8b2b5cf&oe=574CFBDB)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 17, 2016, 08:25:20 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/12742688_836806906429815_5452567956493056324_n.jpg?oh=6fc2681092cc0437ae5a208a261123c8&oe=578B13D4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 17, 2016, 08:26:45 AM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1923664_1312152712145087_6522784235063489396_n.jpg?oh=bed3d9ad813cb34b05b5efeae0673e16&oe=5750853E)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 18, 2016, 09:23:39 PM
A Primary school teacher explains to her class that she is an Manchester United supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Man U supporters, too.

Wanting to be like their teacher hands explode into the air.

There is, however, one exception.

A lovely boy named Bruno has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an Man U supporter." "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "Why I'm proud to be an Liverpool supporter," boasts the cute, little intelligent boy.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Bruno why he is a Liverpool supporter. "Well, My Dad and Mum are Liverpool supporters, in fact me Dad was one of the original Spice Boys,  and so I'm a "Red" too!"

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says adorable little Bruno, "I'd be a Manchester United supporter."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on March 18, 2016, 10:48:13 PM
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/6d/2c/38/6d2c388106c5d468a085c3f9f890d0ed.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 19, 2016, 11:58:58 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on March 18, 2016, 10:48:13 PM
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/6d/2c/38/6d2c388106c5d468a085c3f9f890d0ed.jpg)

...and he couldn't take the heat!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 21, 2016, 09:46:08 PM
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/10649822_1347872068567134_3353577337406461121_n.jpg?oh=37728ae22f57572da330840cd38561e7&oe=5798D41D)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: chimp3 on March 24, 2016, 11:14:48 AM
How many adults with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hey ! What's on Netflicks?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on March 24, 2016, 01:39:39 PM
What's "Netflicks" a dyslexic version of Netflix?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 24, 2016, 07:53:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FKtqKW6B.jpg&hash=df07c29d108840a5dbe3a41369a22279aa330d8e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 01, 2016, 05:37:19 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJx6ohyA.jpg&hash=9418a2290b2adf127ab6523eca46f3a74d39a7cd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 04, 2016, 07:12:33 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpl1/v/t1.0-9/12963678_1000682050016234_671508687651642214_n.jpg?oh=651674ed8c4944b043e122a6b3bf456f&oe=5782588E)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 12, 2016, 01:01:45 PM
(https://scontent-ams3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12439343_999510660135694_3189865081365601654_n.jpg?oh=f4ae7bea872ae60ef50564450dfab823&oe=57B5437E)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 12, 2016, 06:01:51 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12932733_1034896899934307_3639957424268002990_n.jpg?oh=df41f540fe72987d4eab18c3b694fe6d&oe=5779241C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 12, 2016, 06:14:10 PM
^^In the same vein as above^^

Arguing with a woman is not unlike reading a "Software License Agreement", whereas in the end you simply ignore the entire thing completely, and simply click, "I agree".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 14, 2016, 02:32:09 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12990850_714478858655417_1936296344547290578_n.jpg?oh=633088d608876bbd1ed82c110cb96673&oe=577C9B1D&__gda__=1472011127_ff631e86f865390e05d2813f367c4422)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 14, 2016, 07:14:30 PM
 :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 14, 2016, 08:49:56 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpulxuRT.jpg&hash=415cb685b0747b668efc2d0918da2a61c192f549)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 14, 2016, 09:15:00 PM
That's not funny.  :nu-uh:
:grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 15, 2016, 02:59:34 AM
:grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hardvark on April 15, 2016, 04:18:01 PM
An intelligent man an intelligent woman, and father Christmas are in a room, there is a £20 note on the table, the lights go out for a minute, when they come back on the money has gone.

Who stole the money????.

The intelligent man, because the other two do not exist. :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 15, 2016, 06:51:09 PM
You are in a heap of trouble with that one Hardvark.  Just you wait until some of our ladies respond.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hardvark on April 15, 2016, 08:19:19 PM
They'll probably ignore me for a day or two without telling me why. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on April 15, 2016, 08:37:52 PM
(https://media.giphy.com/media/dgtyrqDeu8wN2/giphy-facebook_s.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 15, 2016, 10:41:46 PM
Quote from: Icarus on April 15, 2016, 06:51:09 PM
You are in a heap of trouble with that one Hardvark.  Just you wait until some of our ladies respond.  ;D

:watching:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 16, 2016, 06:34:50 AM
Me too a T.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 16, 2016, 06:36:37 AM
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 16, 2016, 06:37:26 AM
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hardvark on April 16, 2016, 09:07:19 AM
Thinking about it, that joke was a bit harsh, so I would like to apologise.......father Christmas does exist. :P 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 16, 2016, 07:21:20 PM
Quote from: Hardvark on April 16, 2016, 09:07:19 AM
Thinking about it, that joke was a bit harsh, so I would like to apologise.......father Christmas does exist. :P

^

*getting the collective silent treatment* :nu-uh:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 16, 2016, 07:23:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on April 16, 2016, 07:21:20 PM
Quote from: Hardvark on April 16, 2016, 09:07:19 AM
Thinking about it, that joke was a bit harsh, so I would like to apologise.......father Christmas does exist. :P

^

*getting the collective silent treatment* :nu-uh:
:-X
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 17, 2016, 04:48:09 AM
You know what would be funny right now? Nothing, nothing would be funny.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 17, 2016, 05:39:49 AM
I know this is a cute and funny picture, but is sort of reminds me of myself when I was at my worse drinking.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FyzgQdfT.jpg&hash=f26abe7f5fb29721d7521b1d37fb8303902681c0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hardvark on April 17, 2016, 02:53:28 PM
Reports in the newspaper say that Adam Bogdan the Liverpool goalkeeper used to wet the bed as a child, 20 years on and he still can't keep a clean sheet. ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 17, 2016, 04:49:39 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 17, 2016, 05:13:58 PM
Quote from: Hardvark on April 17, 2016, 02:53:28 PM
Reports in the newspaper say that Adam Bogdan the Liverpool goalkeeper used to wet the bed as a child, 20 years on and he still can't keep a clean sheet. ::)

You're new here Vark of the Hard, so possibly you missed the full title of this thread?

Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes...)

Quote from: OldGit on April 17, 2016, 04:49:39 PM
;D ;D ;D

OldGit you thought that was funny? Your breaking my heart man! :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hardvark on April 17, 2016, 08:03:35 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on April 17, 2016, 05:13:58 PM
Quote from: Hardvark on April 17, 2016, 02:53:28 PM
Reports in the newspaper say that Adam Bogdan the Liverpool goalkeeper used to wet the bed as a child, 20 years on and he still can't keep a clean sheet. ::)

Your new here Vark of the Hard, so possibly you missed the full title of this thread?

Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes...)

Quote from: OldGit on April 17, 2016, 04:49:39 PM
;D ;D ;D

OldGit you thought that was funny? Your breaking my heart man! :P
Plenty more where that came from. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 18, 2016, 03:47:19 AM
Quote from: Hardvark on April 17, 2016, 08:03:35 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on April 17, 2016, 05:13:58 PM
Quote from: Hardvark on April 17, 2016, 02:53:28 PM
Reports in the newspaper say that Adam Bogdan the Liverpool goalkeeper used to wet the bed as a child, 20 years on and he still can't keep a clean sheet. ::)

Your new here Vark of the Hard, so possibly you missed the full title of this thread?

Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes...)

Quote from: OldGit on April 17, 2016, 04:49:39 PM
;D ;D ;D

OldGit you thought that was funny? Your breaking my heart man! :P
Plenty more where that came from. ;)

His determination against your pessimism is funny. Not bad, not hilarious, but funny. Funny, ok?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 18, 2016, 08:09:12 AM
(https://scontent-ams3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtl1/v/t1.0-9/12994540_1010233029061136_4790553509233716100_n.jpg?oh=35be3a5291227222015b28912ee3446b&oe=5776231D)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 18, 2016, 08:34:35 PM
Q: What are your plans for vacation?
A: I haven't got any plans. My wife decides where to go; my boss tells me when I could go; and my bank account informs me how long I can go.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hardvark on April 19, 2016, 03:28:14 PM
(https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=OIP.Md08265211780265c3fd74bfc269da2d2H0&w=300&h=204&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0&r=0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 19, 2016, 09:52:02 PM
Frank and Eddie are having a conversation during their lunch break. Frank asks, "So, Eddie, how's your sex life these days?" Eddie replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Frank asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 20, 2016, 06:16:47 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/13015617_1011918698892569_7619048564335397213_n.jpg?oh=cd349645a88d7c28b8c9332a2c7f8a6d&oe=57BB8A3C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 20, 2016, 07:05:19 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg-9gag-fun.9cache.com%2Fphoto%2FaYbAoz2_700b.jpg&hash=e55cb7b64477d98f8680a43ec61b6075beca9a24)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 21, 2016, 03:07:44 AM
World's Oldest Recorded Joke (https://www.facebook.com/mentalflossmagazine/videos/10154104260727365/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 21, 2016, 02:30:35 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on April 21, 2016, 03:07:44 AM
World's Oldest Recorded Joke (https://www.facebook.com/mentalflossmagazine/videos/10154104260727365/)

Wow. We need some new material here.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 22, 2016, 02:58:34 AM
Quote from: joeactor on April 21, 2016, 02:30:35 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on April 21, 2016, 03:07:44 AM
World's Oldest Recorded Joke (https://www.facebook.com/mentalflossmagazine/videos/10154104260727365/)

Wow. We need some new material here.

No kidding. xSP should be grounded for that one.


I was on my fourth or fifth viewing of the "W'sOJ" trying to figure out the joke when I thought, what the hell am I doing? This is ridiculous...a moment in my life I'll never recover.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 03:43:27 AM
Quote from: Apathy on April 20, 2016, 07:05:19 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg-9gag-fun.9cache.com%2Fphoto%2FaYbAoz2_700b.jpg&hash=e55cb7b64477d98f8680a43ec61b6075beca9a24)
4/20!
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.spyderlovers.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Fduh.gif&hash=715d0541e4e7bdd1b5550f9050750b2c00b45a18)
How could I have missed this!?  :felix:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 22, 2016, 04:51:20 AM
It's alright. Nobody acknowledges my jokes anyway.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 04:55:17 AM
(https://49.media.tumblr.com/b4c21e20ea35340bb5d57084c465ab8b/tumblr_n1uajkjZZt1qkfp1ro1_250.gif)
Hahawwrr, ahrr...herr...hawrrrrr
I do.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 04:58:28 AM
OK! Fine! I'll tell you the truth, Apathy.
I didn't notice it because I was too busy :airquotes: conmemorating :airquotes: the day.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 22, 2016, 06:29:29 AM
Quote from: Apathy on April 22, 2016, 04:51:20 AM
It's alright. Nobody acknowledges my jokes anyway.
But they'll still be laughing at them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 22, 2016, 06:49:59 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13015685_10153641266892198_2261140985300614111_n.jpg?oh=932ccbf13897dfe4b62c1ca55a748fce&oe=57A556A3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 22, 2016, 10:01:13 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 04:58:28 AM
OK! Fine! I'll tell you the truth, Apathy.
I didn't notice it because I was too busy :airquotes: conmemorating :airquotes: the day.
Quote from: Tank on April 22, 2016, 06:29:29 AM
Quote from: Apathy on April 22, 2016, 04:51:20 AM
It's alright. Nobody acknowledges my jokes anyway.
But they'll still be laughing at them.

Haha nice

Really it's OK Magdalena. I don't even smoke or drink. Both make me psychotic.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 22, 2016, 01:56:27 PM
So, 4 nuns from the same convent died at the same time in a car accident, and they're all lined up at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells the first one to come up and says, "Alright, Sister, before I let you in: Tell me, have you ever touched a penis?"
The nun is a little nervous, knows better than to lie, and says: "Yes, Peter. Just once, with my pinky."
Peter says, "Alright," and lays a bowl of Holy Water down before her. "Just dip your pinky finger in here and you'll be purified, then we'll let you in."
She does, and is let in.

Peter calls up the second nun, and says, "Alright, Sister, same question: Have you ever touched a penis?"
"Well, Peter," she says, red as a beet, "Father McKenzie made me give him a handjob once-- just once!"
"Okay," Peter says, "Just wash your hands in the Holy Water and we'll let you in."
She does and is let in.

Peter is about to call up the third nun, but he notices that the fourth nun behind her is visibly shaken, pale, and really nervous. So he says, "What's the matter, Sister?"

She gestures to the third nun and says, "Well, if it's all the same to you Peter, I'd rather gargle the water before she sticks her ass in it."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 05:59:55 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 22, 2016, 10:01:13 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 04:58:28 AM
OK! Fine! I'll tell you the truth, Apathy.
I didn't notice it because I was too busy :airquotes: conmemorating :airquotes: the day.
Quote from: Tank on April 22, 2016, 06:29:29 AM
Quote from: Apathy on April 22, 2016, 04:51:20 AM
It's alright. Nobody acknowledges my jokes anyway.
But they'll still be laughing at them.

Haha nice

Really it's OK Magdalena. I don't even smoke or drink. Both make me psychotic.

Who said anything about smoking and drinking?
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Freplygif.net%2Fi%2F1295.gif&hash=ddfad0e5095ed8c2f64e67a2ea76c29e6f9523b3)
I said, "I :airquotes: conmemorated :airquotes: the day.
:grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on April 22, 2016, 08:13:46 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 05:59:55 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 22, 2016, 10:01:13 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 04:58:28 AM
OK! Fine! I'll tell you the truth, Apathy.
I didn't notice it because I was too busy :airquotes: conmemorating :airquotes: the day.
Quote from: Tank on April 22, 2016, 06:29:29 AM
Quote from: Apathy on April 22, 2016, 04:51:20 AM
It's alright. Nobody acknowledges my jokes anyway.
But they'll still be laughing at them.

Haha nice

Really it's OK Magdalena. I don't even smoke or drink. Both make me psychotic.

Who said anything about smoking and drinking?
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Freplygif.net%2Fi%2F1295.gif&hash=ddfad0e5095ed8c2f64e67a2ea76c29e6f9523b3)
I said, "I :airquotes: conmemorated :airquotes: the day.
:grin:
It was my birthday, I :airquotes: commemorated :airquotes: with ice cream cake and pizza.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 09:07:04 PM
^^
Davin, your birthday is on April 20?  ;D
Are you serious?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on April 22, 2016, 09:19:15 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 09:07:04 PM
^^
Davin, your birthday is on April 20?  ;D
Are you serious?
(https://media.giphy.com/media/rgBwKeJTlGg9O/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 09:31:35 PM
Quote from: Davin on April 22, 2016, 09:19:15 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 09:07:04 PM
^^
Davin, your birthday is on April 20?  ;D
Are you serious?
(https://media.giphy.com/media/rgBwKeJTlGg9O/giphy.gif)
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F49.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_ly54ayDfCu1r76lino1_500.gif&hash=5b573323ee0dc75e9f9a27940577c7184387a652)
That's like having a birthday party all over the world!

Happy Birthday, Davin.  :cheerleader:
You should've said something.  :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 09:57:39 PM
What did I do on April 20?
Well, my man and I had cake and ice cream...of course.
We were in the kitchen and the song, No Dejes Que by Caifanes came on and we started to slow dance.
It was nice.  :tellmemore:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 23, 2016, 05:41:49 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 09:57:39 PM
What did I do on April 20?
Well, my man and I had cake and ice cream...of course.
We were in the kitchen and the song, No Dejes Que by Caifanes came on and we started to slow dance.
It was nice.  :tellmemore:

Sounds terrible.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 23, 2016, 03:41:39 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 23, 2016, 05:41:49 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 09:57:39 PM
What did I do on April 20?
Well, my man and I had cake and ice cream...of course.
We were in the kitchen and the song, No Dejes Que by Caifanes came on and we started to slow dance.
It was nice.  :tellmemore:

Sounds terrible.

Quite the opposite in fact as her man is quite teh sexy dancer...in fact he can be too sexy.

Just like this person is too sexy for must of us, not all of us but some...
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FtL7eIn1.jpg&hash=f0535c9041087c3f7d073b25740156b4780c8878)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 23, 2016, 08:33:51 PM
I'm ugly and proud.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 23, 2016, 10:07:18 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on April 23, 2016, 03:41:39 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 23, 2016, 05:41:49 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 09:57:39 PM
What did I do on April 20?
Well, my man and I had cake and ice cream...of course.
We were in the kitchen and the song, No Dejes Que by Caifanes came on and we started to slow dance.
It was nice.  :tellmemore:

Sounds terrible.

Quite the opposite in fact as her man is quite teh sexy dancer...in fact he can be too sexy.

Just like this person is too sexy for must of us, not all of us but some...
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FtL7eIn1.jpg&hash=f0535c9041087c3f7d073b25740156b4780c8878)

Oh! Bruno de la Pole, my man doesn't look like that! At all.  :smileshake:
My man is a fine looking vato loco!
He looks like this good looking man:  :smilenod:
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/96/06/5f/96065f89350cf3d59dbd70cb7e6d9cbc.jpg)
:tellmemore:
We fell in love the minute we saw each other.
It takes a 'real' woman to be with a man like that and it takes a 'real' man to be with someone like me. That's why it has worked great for 14 years and 2 months.  ;D
He doesn't look very sweet, but all the sweetness you like in me, I've learned from him.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 24, 2016, 02:04:21 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 23, 2016, 10:07:18 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on April 23, 2016, 03:41:39 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 23, 2016, 05:41:49 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 22, 2016, 09:57:39 PM
What did I do on April 20?
Well, my man and I had cake and ice cream...of course.
We were in the kitchen and the song, No Dejes Que by Caifanes came on and we started to slow dance.
It was nice.  :tellmemore:

Sounds terrible.

Quite the opposite in fact as her man is quite teh sexy dancer...in fact he can be too sexy.

Just like this person is too sexy for must of us, not all of us but some...
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FtL7eIn1.jpg&hash=f0535c9041087c3f7d073b25740156b4780c8878)

Oh! Bruno de la Pole, my man doesn't look like that! At all.  :smileshake:
My man is a fine looking vato loco!
He looks like this good looking man:  :smilenod:
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/96/06/5f/96065f89350cf3d59dbd70cb7e6d9cbc.jpg)
:tellmemore:
We fell in love the minute we saw each other.
It takes a 'real' woman to be with a man like that and it takes a 'real' man to be with someone like me. That's why it has worked great for 14 years and 2 months.  ;D
He doesn't look very sweet, but all the sweetness you like in me, I've learned from him.

Are you Mexican, Mags?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 24, 2016, 04:30:31 AM
No. I'm not Mexican.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 24, 2016, 02:52:33 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 23, 2016, 08:33:51 PM
I'm ugly and proud.

Say it louder!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 24, 2016, 03:17:19 PM
Quote from: joeactor on April 24, 2016, 02:52:33 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 23, 2016, 08:33:51 PM
I'm ugly and proud.

Say it louder!

(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/w0jr4Y7FArcfVD-fIE_Sa7i77qzwoscDALs_orY6jiar2_ML4nWNI9A2ObVRvPYNIB0JovLpPZFRrxwCgQL1NW3KaVysITN55xNU9qaMGDEQYq4aucs1dxnml2eKY_74ALMYTCrUnmIb8zkszyMLv3mdyOPCPJ5kijni7oWnB622Dlz8ZalmQ6S-ujDZTGp6JrTwbyvW9VTghCYnDWBC-UCmmFZw4e6otASNoRlHKJFqMtcOozeg2YD8t2E4UQPBozRRXoKnSs31IqlqUBgQzgKDtCd5jdEUpMHNR70W36iHu5YvtnfZ5rBrn2nztk_6MoxR12x3L6r_VnKwVwEaIx5rP0SwW_knYxWgDLCbv-Qtz4aeIxMISO_JmArn-ot7Hy1mH3rThV0wXLUm2IloA7CmmCJP2SNs2Kp57pD84oJBkT1RRTl6tNjEM_urnB5qqRG-TA6ZX9QtoErKmy9DMFqy2xQkPEQ87VYnaJsRtY3tQgbn-KnOqiuYr9IZs8TADfsUip_Ef8-dtQd9LkPoLIfcRl3LE8dXSGy9TE_ibFx-ZF-CSLxSOFKnkM3D-fFh2y_l=w1280-h720-no)

I'M UGLY AND I'M PROUD!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 24, 2016, 04:33:59 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 24, 2016, 04:30:31 AM
No. I'm not Mexican.

Usted no es Mexicano?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 24, 2016, 04:44:05 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 24, 2016, 03:17:19 PM
Quote from: joeactor on April 24, 2016, 02:52:33 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 23, 2016, 08:33:51 PM
I'm ugly and proud.
Say it louder!
I'M UGLY AND I'M PROUD!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 24, 2016, 05:58:49 PM
^^^
:grin:
You guys are funny.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 24, 2016, 06:03:22 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 24, 2016, 03:17:19 PM
(https://goo.gl/photos/3jdZPykHQuH6jVgt5)
Gomez? Call me, Morticia Cruz.  :snicker:
I like your dreamcatcher.  ;)
Soy Salvadoreña.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 24, 2016, 06:07:57 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on April 24, 2016, 04:33:59 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 24, 2016, 04:30:31 AM
No. I'm not Mexican.

Usted no es Mexicano?
No, no soy Mexicano porque no soy hombre. Si yo fuera de Mexico, yo fuera Mexicana.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 24, 2016, 07:59:44 PM
The fails.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 24, 2016, 08:07:51 PM
Where are you from, Gomez?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 24, 2016, 09:04:34 PM
An hour northwest of Detroit. We call it "The D"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 25, 2016, 01:55:00 AM
Quote from: Apathy on April 24, 2016, 09:04:34 PM
An hour northwest of Detroit. We call it "The D"
I was born in El Salvador, but I live on the West Coast of the United States. We call it, "West Califa."  :smokin cool:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 25, 2016, 06:32:46 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 25, 2016, 01:55:00 AM
Quote from: Apathy on April 24, 2016, 09:04:34 PM
An hour northwest of Detroit. We call it "The D"
I was born in El Salvador, but I live on the West Coast of the United States. We call it, "West Califa."  :smokin cool:

I don't know many Hispanic people outside my family so when I met someone who is, it's always a joy. So when I feel that, I know they are either Hispanic, or crazy. So taking that into consideration, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 25, 2016, 07:12:27 AM
Quote from: Apathy on April 25, 2016, 06:32:46 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 25, 2016, 01:55:00 AM
Quote from: Apathy on April 24, 2016, 09:04:34 PM
An hour northwest of Detroit. We call it "The D"
I was born in El Salvador, but I live on the West Coast of the United States. We call it, "West Califa."  :smokin cool:

I don't know many Hispanic people outside my family so when I met someone who is, it's always a joy. So when I feel that, I know they are either Hispanic, or crazy. So taking that into consideration, it's a pleasure to meet you.

It's a pleasure to meet you too.
I...um...prefer, Latina and weird, not Hispanic and crazy.  :shifty:
Not many Latinos in "The D?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 25, 2016, 07:57:42 AM
No not really. I live outside Detroit and I was the only one in my whole school from middle school upward. It's a pretty white dominated town.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 26, 2016, 12:56:53 PM
(https://scontent-ams3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/13006605_777772355694664_703445592148784891_n.jpg?oh=692e7a481889bf798c2f5901e9012b6e&oe=57BE35C1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 26, 2016, 01:36:50 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 25, 2016, 07:57:42 AM
No not really. I live outside Detroit and I was the only one in my whole school from middle school upward. It's a pretty white dominated town.

Yo Apathy, I live in Dearborn, work in Southfield...what city do you live in, is it the same as where you grew up? (If you feeling like sharing these exact details on the internet that is, understand if you want to remain somewhat vague)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 26, 2016, 02:39:11 PM
^^^
There's a saying in Spanish--something like this: "God makes them, and they find each other." :snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 26, 2016, 03:29:49 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 26, 2016, 02:39:11 PM
^^^
There's a saying in Spanish--something like this: "God makes them, and they find each other." :snicker:

There's a saying in Polish--something like this: "Babcia makes them (Pierogi's), and they will be eaten." :snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 26, 2016, 05:34:24 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on April 26, 2016, 01:36:50 PM
Yo Apathy, I live in Dearborn, work in Southfield...what city do you live in, is it the same as where you grew up? (If you feeling like sharing these exact details on the internet that is, understand if you want to remain somewhat vague)

I live in Waterford and every time I go to MJR they show a commercial for a restaurant in Southfield. I assume you take telegraph to work. You could take that all the way to my town as well.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 26, 2016, 06:23:34 PM
Quote from: Apathy on April 26, 2016, 05:34:24 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on April 26, 2016, 01:36:50 PM
Yo Apathy, I live in Dearborn, work in Southfield...what city do you live in, is it the same as where you grew up? (If you feeling like sharing these exact details on the internet that is, understand if you want to remain somewhat vague)

I live in Waterford and every time I go to MJR they show a commercial for a restaurant in Southfield. I assume you take telegraph to work. You could take that all the way to my town as well.

I honestly don't think there are any good restaurants in Southfield, not since they closed down Musashi's here in the Town Center, and no I don't take Telegraph as I live just off Michigan Avenue so it's easier and quicker for me to take Southfield Freeway.

I used to work in Orchard Lake some years ago, and was quite familiar with that area of Oakland, as well as Keego Harbor, Waterford, etc...and back when I was back in the National Guard our unit's Armory prior to moving out to Selfridge was just off Elizabeth Lake Rd. and Telegraph in Pontiac (Johnson St).

We occasionally did some light training at the Waterford Rec. Park.

Most of the guys used to like to hang out at the High Kicker Saloon in Pontiac, but I alway's preferred Kennedy's Irish Pub located right there in Waterford. Definitely had some good times there. 8)

Small world.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 26, 2016, 06:42:29 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on April 26, 2016, 06:23:34 PM
Small world.
I told you...God makes them, and they find each other." :snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 26, 2016, 06:45:57 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on April 26, 2016, 06:42:29 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on April 26, 2016, 06:23:34 PM
Small world.
I told you...God makes them, and they find each other." :snicker:

...and I told you, Babcia makes them (Pierogi's), and they will be eaten." :snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on April 26, 2016, 07:28:31 PM
Laugh it up. Soon you will see the earth and it's people sucked into the sun. Kill us, fry us, burn us alive.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 28, 2016, 12:11:48 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xft1/v/t1.0-9/13015553_966340243415151_8258008698805418246_n.jpg?oh=7e81811f45aef025da86ba5ac7d9f890&oe=579EC988&__gda__=1471833858_2a5429ac78e063218f422cb2b1022b59)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 28, 2016, 11:40:40 PM
Shit happens xSP.  :???:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 29, 2016, 02:36:25 AM
Quote from: Icarus on April 28, 2016, 11:40:40 PM
Shit happens xSP.  :???:

That was funny Icarus, good reply ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on April 29, 2016, 10:41:29 PM
(https://scontent.fman1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-0/q81/s480x480/12938223_1257825694246754_3689565493960311358_n.jpg?oh=58b68dc055734516a31b39404b74b0d5&oe=57AC0456)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on May 01, 2016, 10:35:40 PM
This popped up on FB today, so if you have heard it, apologies. It shows I am over that word.

A daughter took her mum to live in a care home.  The mum was allocated a cosy bed, and the next morning she was showered, dressed, given a lovely breakfast and settled in a comfortable chair by a window with a view of the beautiful garden. One of the attentive carers noticed the woman leaning to the side, and swiftly went and resettled her in a more upright position.  This happened a couple of times during the day.  When her daughter came to visit, she asked her mother if she was being well treated. "Oh yes", she said, "I have  just one mild criticism - they won't let you fart."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 02, 2016, 03:58:10 AM
Funny joke Essie... ;D

Since we're on your favorite subject of flatulence, how about this one?

So Stan has a problem. Every time he farts, instead of the typical PHHBBBBTTTTT noise, his fart sounds like the word "Honda!"
While this didn't really bother him in and of itself, it did draw more attention to him when he did fart, and he was also alarmed that there might be something wrong with him.

He visits doctor after doctor trying to find an explanation, but has no luck. All the doctors are completely baffled by this weird condition.
Eventually he finds his way to the far east and visits an old Japanese doctor. He explains the problem and the doctor nods knowingly.

"You have abscess" says the doctor.
"An abscess?" says Stan.
"Yes. Everyone knows abscess make the fart go Honda!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 03, 2016, 08:25:41 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13164486_10153454169476244_1942473129322994814_n.jpg?oh=bffda3c93784659365c4daf72f88d715&oe=57A8EB20)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on May 03, 2016, 09:38:13 PM
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on May 02, 2016, 03:58:10 AM
Funny joke Essie... ;D

Since we're on your favorite subject of flatulence, how about this one?

So Stan has a problem. Every time he farts, instead of the typical PHHBBBBTTTTT noise, his fart sounds like the word "Honda!"
While this didn't really bother him in and of itself, it did draw more attention to him when he did fart, and he was also alarmed that there might be something wrong with him.

He visits doctor after doctor trying to find an explanation, but has no luck. All the doctors are completely baffled by this weird condition.
Eventually he finds his way to the far east and visits an old Japanese doctor. He explains the problem and the doctor nods knowingly.

"You have abscess" says the doctor.
"An abscess?" says Stan.
"Yes. Everyone knows abscess make the fart go Honda!"

Eerrrgh. But I'll allow it this time as I love play-on-words jokes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 05, 2016, 07:29:12 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FvofQbtg.jpg&hash=d8853a793a7460f8e45b7383d1dbc438705f64a3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 10, 2016, 08:23:52 AM
(https://scontent-frt3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13177591_614360245399517_3676653736894441488_n.jpg?oh=64fd057f83b09e105655e11125a49c0f&oe=57DA4405)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 10, 2016, 11:50:35 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CiFvCIsXIAAo1I4.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 11, 2016, 08:21:08 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/13178949_1387627811258226_1905744521517866852_n.jpg?oh=8d7b03ebd000caded5fcebeb686d0747&oe=579E8140)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 12, 2016, 12:52:00 PM
(https://scontent-frt3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13139196_1319086898120925_7200271384785917317_n.jpg?oh=ad849ff0f73bcbc87197bf336ff602cb&oe=57AEDFC5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 14, 2016, 07:44:36 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13177200_840888059349140_6861622923602673612_n.jpg?oh=80b36aa79fa2b6a8cca6e4975c956992&oe=57AA945F)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hardvark on May 14, 2016, 11:47:30 PM
Why do women have legs?.........Well we have seen the mess snails make.(slightly offensive)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 15, 2016, 01:48:16 AM
Quote from: Hardvark on May 14, 2016, 11:47:30 PM
Why do women have legs?.........Well we have seen the mess snails make.(slightly offensive)
I don't get it--Could you, please, explain it to me?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on May 15, 2016, 01:15:23 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 11, 2016, 08:21:08 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/13178949_1387627811258226_1905744521517866852_n.jpg?oh=8d7b03ebd000caded5fcebeb686d0747&oe=579E8140)

:grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 18, 2016, 06:48:57 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13254594_1031178246966614_5093023457174724582_n.jpg?oh=854964d4babff77cc90bdb9bc282c1ef&oe=57D710D0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 20, 2016, 08:13:02 AM
(https://scontent-frt3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/q85/s480x480/13226789_1341571162538973_480216252290350774_n.jpg?oh=6fff068c8d16a20c22c66bdc9be2ae4d&oe=57DC86C6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 20, 2016, 09:38:19 AM
(https://scontent.fman1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/13239184_906244862834562_2530362463015755488_n.jpg?oh=c1d8b74a9cfc770af37014f8a8c41d84&oe=579A2987)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 20, 2016, 12:35:42 PM
Q. What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on May 20, 2016, 06:18:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Frlv.zcache.com%2Fgardener_gardening_joke_flyer_design-r73f097c68ef34645869d842112de9647_vgvyf_8byvr_512.jpg&hash=bd534509015df735af71799415f55964583ab45d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 21, 2016, 07:06:59 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/13267800_1036768583084847_3405443693873091534_n.jpg?oh=062b290e6027041e72efae6af3d940f0&oe=57D0DE20)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on May 21, 2016, 11:28:42 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwanna-joke.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F08%2Ffunny-pictures-caught-sleeping-at-work.jpg&hash=871d00bbfa09022bf0fc8efa8980fff368657a68)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on May 21, 2016, 07:37:49 PM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 23, 2016, 03:30:07 PM
^^^ LOL!

Kids in the Hall did some great stuff...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on May 23, 2016, 07:18:47 PM
Quote from: joeactor on May 23, 2016, 03:30:07 PM
^^^ LOL!

Kids in the Hall did some great stuff...

Indeed! They are brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on May 23, 2016, 07:54:30 PM
One of favorites.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 29, 2016, 02:00:27 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13315709_10154868163024606_1404972085542698965_n.jpg?oh=555e25190196f441b89c41f5c6abb43a&oe=57CFFC86)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 30, 2016, 01:59:05 AM
^ That's the best one all day Tank. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 30, 2016, 02:20:31 AM
(https://dojoke.com/upl/c1a4f19crf6c9r41c1r975fr86500d089b95.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on May 30, 2016, 02:23:18 AM
^Heheh ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 30, 2016, 03:48:22 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on May 30, 2016, 02:20:31 AM
(https://dojoke.com/upl/c1a4f19crf6c9r41c1r975fr86500d089b95.jpg)
:snicker:
Good one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on June 02, 2016, 12:49:42 PM
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13335947_927775827335026_8292460359810959272_n.jpg?oh=068483efa44c674bd9c0d6a1727e8468&oe=580D41B6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 02, 2016, 01:03:19 PM
^^^^  :mb lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on June 02, 2016, 02:59:02 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on June 02, 2016, 12:49:42 PM
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13335947_927775827335026_8292460359810959272_n.jpg?oh=068483efa44c674bd9c0d6a1727e8468&oe=580D41B6)

Classic!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on June 03, 2016, 04:04:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fuelrunning.com%2Farticlecontent%2Ffitness%2F20-gym-jokes-to-get-you-through-your-next-workout%2Fgym-jokes-03.jpg&hash=a12cd9320535c57273ea6c9e9bb62c2c504c4342)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 03, 2016, 08:59:36 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13315593_1718165455104275_7440102346315508626_n.jpg?oh=c7d8fba4b888b06bf537e7b9a3f6f8cb&oe=57D5EE1D)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on June 03, 2016, 09:30:15 PM
I had no idea you were so hairy. Is it a medical condition?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on June 05, 2016, 02:13:53 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/OgQpFvx.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 05, 2016, 04:28:48 AM
Well, since I already have a motorboating licence....  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 05, 2016, 04:32:43 AM
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local strip club.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the rest room.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 05, 2016, 07:44:32 AM
Quote from: No one on June 03, 2016, 09:30:15 PM
I had no idea you were so hairy. Is it a medical condition?
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.en.kolobok.us%2Fsmiles%2Fartists%2Fcherna%2FCherna-facepalm.gif&hash=082242de4cc0662a079d6d8909820948742620bf)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 05, 2016, 08:10:16 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on June 05, 2016, 04:32:43 AM
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local strip club.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the rest room.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 05, 2016, 08:11:07 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on June 05, 2016, 04:28:48 AM
Well, since I already have a motorboating licence....  ;D
:rimshot:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on June 05, 2016, 06:42:05 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xta1/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/13393975_930000520445890_5505004842433754930_n.jpg?oh=7aa0831e71cac4b84a5cd7474b23887a&oe=57D24DAF&__gda__=1473606362_f5e5e77eaa43884a829de5148ea894fd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 06, 2016, 01:41:50 AM
^^^
That's funny.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 09, 2016, 08:08:59 AM
(https://scontent-frt3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p480x480/13417646_1091526800917286_2398369480220878067_n.jpg?oh=cf1bc01cba407a92bc0eed7968f72a98&oe=57D723AF)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 10, 2016, 07:09:20 PM
Overheard on the Radio 2. "A message has come in from John... "I've just discovered that my Euro 2016 Semi-final tickets actually clash with my wedding day! If anyone wants to go in my place, please let me know. Her name is Becky and the church is in Southampton' "
:rimshot:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 12, 2016, 09:46:34 PM
Quote from: Tank on June 10, 2016, 07:09:20 PM
Overheard on the Radio 2. "A message has come in from John... "I've just discovered that my Euro 2016 Semi-final tickets actually clash with my wedding day! If anyone wants to go in my place, please let me know. Her name is Becky and the church is in Southampton' "
:rimshot:
Can she cook?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 16, 2016, 06:41:15 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p320x320/13445333_10154215492291730_2842580218352138654_n.jpg?oh=5a8cbc35404b2821dac7ae4821ae5b5a&oe=57D6125C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on June 17, 2016, 01:13:12 AM
What did the shy pebble wish?






























That she was just a little bolder.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 18, 2016, 08:41:22 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13445577_10205151647189392_5281979948420257240_n.jpg?oh=1149413efde4b0f039fcb13c075844eb&oe=57C95AD8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 18, 2016, 09:40:39 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13394168_10153846162363208_5932560982584788523_n.jpg?oh=9f43bf4bff58231e346e10ff7d35d20c&oe=57C28CCA)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on June 20, 2016, 03:22:15 AM
(https://fbcdn-photos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xft1/v/t1.0-0/p480x480/13393979_10154248408882365_8207134470992236787_n.png?oh=0d93f00b6c3050104f7d1c0f34f591f4&oe=57DA3BB7&__gda__=1472792564_563f14e08f9b5e542f0b6fa3b9f26e67)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 25, 2016, 08:55:03 AM
What do you get if you cross a Dalek with a beautician?

A half human creature that goes round screeching, "Exfoliate! Exfoliate!"

------------

Why did the student of Eastern philosophy refuse anaesthetic at the dentist's?

He was trying to transcend dental medication.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 26, 2016, 08:30:15 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13508850_545431065645963_1990176151280003696_n.jpg?oh=00e6753526c24343b33ca89663c1fc3f&oe=5805F8D4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 26, 2016, 09:13:09 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/425007_10151112661649994_1894684274_n.jpg?oh=fa357cb07287812669c219f6d395aa9b&oe=5808A71C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on June 27, 2016, 02:35:45 PM
Good ones Gloucester and Tank!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on June 27, 2016, 07:43:04 PM
Davin, this is your new avatar?
I love it! And so true!  :snicker:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn-media-2.lifehack.org%2Fwp-content%2Ffiles%2F2014%2F08%2FBarney.gif&hash=1adff4898f41fb81ef80dd67ae7f4aa0775fe142)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on June 27, 2016, 08:37:01 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on June 27, 2016, 07:43:04 PM
Davin, this is your new avatar?
I love it! And so true!  :snicker:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn-media-2.lifehack.org%2Fwp-content%2Ffiles%2F2014%2F08%2FBarney.gif&hash=1adff4898f41fb81ef80dd67ae7f4aa0775fe142)
Haha, yeah. It's nice to think so for a little bit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on June 28, 2016, 02:45:01 PM
(https://henningjust.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/knowledge-is-knowing-a-tomato-is-a-fruit-wisdom-i.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 28, 2016, 04:41:01 PM
Quote from: joeactor on June 28, 2016, 02:45:01 PM
(https://henningjust.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/knowledge-is-knowing-a-tomato-is-a-fruit-wisdom-i.jpg)
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 28, 2016, 05:26:21 PM
Quote from: joeactor on June 28, 2016, 02:45:01 PM
(https://henningjust.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/knowledge-is-knowing-a-tomato-is-a-fruit-wisdom-i.jpg)
Surely if tomatoes are a fruit that would make ketchup a jam, no? :???:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 28, 2016, 05:50:24 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13509049_1016799678402430_6802663541825195573_n.png?oh=eff30309ca6dbe8aea8d221d868b66fb&oe=5803DAC0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 02, 2016, 09:13:13 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13507027_1234510419893683_4453572044512360870_n.jpg?oh=2ce8f848b3e4ea0a5cab639c5e0aac7e&oe=57FF8777)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 02, 2016, 02:05:17 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13567081_1318047654876567_5814286871611686171_n.jpg?oh=effeae00f91c69911856a77f60f586c8&oe=5802E1FB)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 02, 2016, 02:35:11 PM
Quote from: Tank on July 02, 2016, 02:05:17 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13567081_1318047654876567_5814286871611686171_n.jpg?oh=effeae00f91c69911856a77f60f586c8&oe=5802E1FB)

... took me a second ;-)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 02, 2016, 04:00:28 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/13600150_10207252812694996_7589232558881352802_n.jpg?oh=8d706d25b024a6de5ba33291541313df&oe=57FB9D7C&__gda__=1475933528_bdc7f93d83dc8bb72890b196fc9d172c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 02, 2016, 05:41:39 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13516492_10154258185031730_3857424052575991571_n.jpg?oh=fe131780d6b0ed9bcfa67f630f29bbcc&oe=57EB1C51)
Title: Funny pictures about anything not listed so far
Post by: Dave on July 05, 2016, 11:14:31 AM
My present favourite cartoon

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FWeasel-1.jpg&hash=6acedc96aecd02a1bae31069a39fd12b4010676b) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Weasel-1.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Funny pictures about anything not listed so far
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on July 06, 2016, 05:05:45 AM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 05, 2016, 11:14:31 AM
My present favourite cartoon

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FWeasel-1.jpg&hash=6acedc96aecd02a1bae31069a39fd12b4010676b) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Weasel-1.jpg.html)

Something is really lost in the translation here.

Ah, I looked it up.  You have different version of "pop goes the weasel" than we do.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 06, 2016, 07:26:33 AM
Ecurb Noselrub wrote:
QuoteAh, I looked it up.  You have different version of "pop goes the weasel" than we do.

Might I suggest we have the correct version?  :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 06, 2016, 10:57:15 AM
For those of you familiar with Ikea, the joys of flat pack furniture and ancient British history:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FIkea%2520Henj%2520-%25201.jpg&hash=c6bd8c8141c2dc814736d7a973d7552aa1cceee5) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Ikea%20Henj%20-%201.jpg.html)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FIkea%2520Henj%2520-%25202.jpg&hash=8a24f76cc4c8ae3938ffde3de4e88cc1374513d8) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Ikea%20Henj%20-%202.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 06, 2016, 12:57:50 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2Foffend%2520geeks.jpg&hash=ce55d3ea48ae0740c1d060a0075e191d4f9df7b6) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/offend%20geeks.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 06, 2016, 02:52:57 PM
Love "Henj", Gloucester!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Michael1 on July 06, 2016, 03:09:32 PM
Why is the earth flat? Because you can't wrap your head around it.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on July 06, 2016, 03:49:17 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 06, 2016, 07:26:33 AM
Ecurb Noselrub wrote:
QuoteAh, I looked it up.  You have different version of "pop goes the weasel" than we do.

Might I suggest we have the correct version?  :grin:

Yes.  Ours has some nonsense about a mulberry bush.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on July 06, 2016, 03:51:16 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 06, 2016, 10:57:15 AM
For those of you familiar with Ikea, the joys of flat pack furniture and ancient British history:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FIkea%2520Henj%2520-%25201.jpg&hash=c6bd8c8141c2dc814736d7a973d7552aa1cceee5) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Ikea%20Henj%20-%201.jpg.html)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FIkea%2520Henj%2520-%25202.jpg&hash=8a24f76cc4c8ae3938ffde3de4e88cc1374513d8) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Ikea%20Henj%20-%202.jpg.html)

Hah!  Just had my first experience with IKEA last week.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 06, 2016, 04:46:03 PM
Never got the "Ikea furniture is difficult" jokes. Never had any problem with them.  :???:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 06, 2016, 06:14:22 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on July 06, 2016, 04:46:03 PM
Never got the "Ikea furniture is difficult" jokes. Never had any problem with them.  :???:
Ditto. I loath the Ikea stores but mostly like their products.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on July 07, 2016, 01:05:10 AM
(https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13626977_948474651931810_1251390598282250743_n.jpg?oh=36129cdbfc444eaa34a265fca8292681&oe=57F79657)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on July 07, 2016, 05:30:32 AM
is this a joke? i dont know

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 07, 2016, 08:22:49 AM
(https://scontent-amt2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p480x480/13606759_659548887532176_8712298326275301580_n.jpg?oh=1fc23dbbe85515fa3efeb416f4d4fe21&oe=57FAEAAC)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 07, 2016, 08:55:36 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FToyah.jpg&hash=e66d4931c69ee4b1d192b26cbec2db242360f771) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Toyah.jpg.html)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2Fwinnie_1.jpg&hash=6171556da1610a486fd7e47dc561efcdedb79060) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/winnie_1.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 07, 2016, 11:32:10 AM
THE PLAN

IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE PLAN
AND WITH THE PLAN WERE THE ASSUMPTIONS
AND THE ASSUMPTIONS WERE WITHOUT FORM
AND THE PLAN WAS COMPLETELY WITHOUT RATIONALITY.

AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE WORKERS
AND THEY SPOKE AMONGST THEMSELVES, SAYING:
"IT IS A CROCK OF SHIT AND IT STINKETH!"

AND THE WORKERS WENT UNTO THEIR SUPERVISORS AND SAYETH:
"IT IS A BUCKET OF DUNG AND NONE CAN ABIDE THE ODOR THEREOF!"

AND THE SUPERVISORS WENT UNTO THEIR LINE MANAGERS AND SAYETH UNTO THEM:
"IT IS A CONTAINER OF EXCREMENT. IT IS VERY STRONG, SUCH THAT NONE CAN APPROACH IT."

AND THE MANAGERS WENT UNTO THE DIRECTORS AND SPOKE THUSLY:
"IT IS A VESSEL OF FERTILIZER AND NOTHING CAN EQUAL ITS STRENGTH."

AND THE DIRECTORS SPOKE AMONGST THEMSELVES, DECIDING UPON,
"IT CONTAINS THAT WHICH AIDS GROWTH AND IS VERY POWERFUL."

AND THE DIRECTORS WENT UNTO THE VICE PRESIDENTS AND SAYETH UNTO THEM,
"IT PROMOTETH GROWTH AND FRUITFULNESS AND IS VERY POTENT."

AND THE VICE. PRESIDENTS WENT UNTO THE PRESIDENT AND SAYETH UNTO HIM,
"THIS NEW PLAN WILL ACTIVELY PROMOTE GROWTH AND .EFFICIENCY OF THIS COMPANY."

THUS THE PRESIDENT LOOKED UPON THE PLAN
AND SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD
AND THE PLAN BECAME THE POLICY.

THE WORKERS, HAVING HAD THEIR WORDS OF WISDOM PERVERTED,
WERE WELL AND TRULY SHIT UPON FOR EVER AFTER.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 07, 2016, 12:35:45 PM
^^^ SO TRUE!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 07, 2016, 07:50:22 PM
A man barges in through the pharmacy door, coughing constantly, slaps a fiver on tbe counter and says, "Give, cough, me, cough, a, cough, bottle, cough, of, cough, cough, cough mixture."

The pharmacist replies, "Mr Smith, this is the third week, we have tried every remedy, it is past time for you to see the doctor,"

"Bugger, cough, that, just give me the, coughing, bottle!"

"OK," says the pharmacist, shrugging andreaching behind him for a bottle off the shelf. Mr Smith does not even look at the lable, opens it and drinks half as he walks out of the shop.

The assistant looks at his boss in horror, "That wasn't a cough remedy, that was Superprune, our strongest laxative!"

"Yup," says the pharmacist,
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


............

Along with this goes the sage advice:
"If you are over 60 never trust a fart . . . and cough gently."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 07, 2016, 11:45:54 PM
Good one!
(with hidden punchline!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on July 08, 2016, 03:31:23 AM
Quote from: joeactor on July 07, 2016, 11:45:54 PM
Good one!
(with hidden punchline!)
Yes, I also noticed that! Loved it!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 08, 2016, 11:00:40 AM
At an ecumenical feast a smug, newly qualified, RC priest was sat next to a young Rabbi, at one of the lowest tables.

The waiter brought round a selection of cold meats and the priest took a helping of good Parma ham. With a smirk he turned to the rabbi and said, 'Í understand you are not allowed to eat any meat of the pig?''

''This is so'' replied the rabbi. The priest pursued the subject.

''Tell me, in your younger, er, rasher days did you not question this doctrine - maybe try a little pig meat?''

''Oi vey!'' said the rabbi, ''Whilst at a college in America I had too much to drink and ate a bacon sandwhich!''

''Was it nice?'' with an evil grin.

'Ýes, I have to admit . . .''

Well, the rabbi is not going to let him get away with this! A bit later he turns to the priest and asked, ''I understand you are not allowed carnal knowledge of woman.''

'Ýes,'' says the priest, ''it is sacred sacrifice we make.''

''Well,'' says the rabbi, ''as a student did you ever fall foul of carnal desire or womanly wiles?''

''Ave Maria! Yes, I did, there was this serving maid . . .''

''Hmm, '' says the rabbi, ''much nicer than bacon isn't it?''
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 09, 2016, 09:45:10 AM
The (mis)use of a certain old Dutch word to mean "beyond repair" reminded me of a genuine story.

In my last job they made instruments that had to undergo rigorous testing before passing quality control. Inevitably a percentage failed and were identified with a plain red lable before going for analysis.

Some wag had some labels printed:

Failed
Under
Conditions of
Test

The boss disallowed them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 09, 2016, 09:50:03 AM
Spoil sport.

I used to work at a company which has a name starting with 'F'. We did have a FART report :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 10, 2016, 07:15:41 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13645072_1116855778384388_7842939934311583483_n.jpg?oh=c5361d79b26f0fbaaa771485414dee08&oe=58339AF5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 10, 2016, 07:18:02 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13612265_1116806408389325_8666772790884735739_n.jpg?oh=30e91c739775a6592c6f7b94711a87b2&oe=57F9BBB1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 10, 2016, 11:33:04 AM
In the Midwestern town the horse (and only) doctor looked up as the medicine man from the local tribe came in.

"Trouble," he said, "heap big chief no shit, my medicine no work."

"OK," says the doc, "let's try some syrup of figs first," and got a bottle from the shelf. "Come back in three days if it does not work."

Three days later, "Heap big chief still no shit."

"Well," says the doc, "let's try concentrated prune juice, come back tomorrow if no change."

Next day, "Still heap big chief no shit."

"Last chance, here's what we give constipated horses," as he hands over a marble sized pill. "Come gack tomorrow."

The following noon in comes the medicine man again, "New problem . . .
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bad Penny II on July 10, 2016, 02:02:05 PM
Apparently some kids found some crystal meth in a Kinda Surprise capsule, I saw this guy on a comedy show.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzFtb1vU.jpg&hash=e3a755891cc373ec6ed77cb7bcabfc3c1f55082c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 13, 2016, 12:59:59 PM
Tom Hiddleston stroking a pussy.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on July 13, 2016, 02:57:49 PM
Quote from: Tank on July 13, 2016, 12:59:59 PM
Tom Hiddleston stroking a pussy.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


And I was hoping to see Taylor Swift.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on July 13, 2016, 07:16:11 PM
Quote from: Bad Penny II on July 10, 2016, 02:02:05 PM
Apparently some kids found some crystal meth in a Kinda Surprise capsule, I saw this guy on a comedy show.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzFtb1vU.jpg&hash=e3a755891cc373ec6ed77cb7bcabfc3c1f55082c)

why is it that I only find crappy toys in my kinder??
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on July 14, 2016, 08:59:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1-ps.googleusercontent.com%2Fx%2Fwww.dailydawdle.com%2Fimages.dailydawdle.com%2Fbest-of-really-high-guy-meme-funny2.jpg.pagespeed.ce.57X5V_BT6r.jpg&hash=09d99bc18a45d9e88c63cbc039cfaba25075f7ef)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 17, 2016, 10:13:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2Fweather%2520in%2520us.jpg&hash=e0ef23b074565878be9a77c4884ce2cbdc4d1bf2) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/weather%20in%20us.jpg.html)

(Sent by an American in Gloucester)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on July 18, 2016, 05:46:40 AM
^I can attest to this. Also wondering how you knew what i searched for my picture.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 18, 2016, 05:55:16 AM
Here is a forecast:

Today will be muggy.

Followed by Tueggy, Weggy, Thurggy, Friggy, Saggy and Suggy.


[0600ish and already sticky, think I am melting...]
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 19, 2016, 05:33:37 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2Fwashcat.jpg&hash=f86e4e27108eb0d5f6f2d7d493ea60f39c11eb7e) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/washcat.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 19, 2016, 05:37:17 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2Flion%2520warning.jpg&hash=ef47a662223105f57d5cdab5dfd0dabea4ce2172) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/lion%20warning.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on July 19, 2016, 06:52:24 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 19, 2016, 05:33:37 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2Fwashcat.jpg&hash=f86e4e27108eb0d5f6f2d7d493ea60f39c11eb7e) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/washcat.jpg.html)
>:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 19, 2016, 09:21:04 PM
I know the British health service is getting strapped for cash but this advice no substitute for the real thing . . .


Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 19, 2016, 10:26:09 PM
Both of those are good ones Gloucester. I almost fell out with laughter while reading the punch line of the Lion one. The cat one is cute as hell but I doubt that our cat people will find it as humorous as I and my dog did.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on July 20, 2016, 02:04:32 PM
Now that The Asmo has an instruction manual, He will start a cat cleaning business and become fabulously wealthy.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on July 20, 2016, 02:46:02 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on July 20, 2016, 02:04:32 PM
Now that The Asmo has an instruction manual, He will start a cat cleaning business and become fabulously wealthy.  ;D
>:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on July 21, 2016, 03:44:52 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on July 20, 2016, 02:04:32 PM
Now that The Asmo has an instruction manual, He will start a cat cleaning business and become fabulously wealthy.  ;D

He will use his own toilet or rent one?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 21, 2016, 07:03:58 PM
Quote from: Apathy on July 21, 2016, 03:44:52 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on July 20, 2016, 02:04:32 PM
Now that The Asmo has an instruction manual, He will start a cat cleaning business and become fabulously wealthy.  ;D

He will use his own toilet or rent one?
The one in the house he's cleaning the cat in I would imagine?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 21, 2016, 07:41:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on July 21, 2016, 07:03:58 PM
Quote from: Apathy on July 21, 2016, 03:44:52 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on July 20, 2016, 02:04:32 PM
Now that The Asmo has an instruction manual, He will start a cat cleaning business and become fabulously wealthy.  ;D

He will use his own toilet or rent one?
The one in the house he's cleaning the cat in I would imagine?
Ah! Then The Asmo should charge for the toilet cleaning aspect as well!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on July 22, 2016, 12:20:24 AM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 21, 2016, 07:41:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on July 21, 2016, 07:03:58 PM
Quote from: Apathy on July 21, 2016, 03:44:52 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on July 20, 2016, 02:04:32 PM
Now that The Asmo has an instruction manual, He will start a cat cleaning business and become fabulously wealthy.  ;D

He will use his own toilet or rent one?
The one in the house he's cleaning the cat in I would imagine?
Ah! Then The Asmo should charge for the toilet cleaning aspect as well!
I don't have a cat so if I want my loo cleaned, would he bring his own cat or would I have to provide one?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 25, 2016, 06:53:58 PM
I've just read a hook on gastronomy and discovered that I was born under the sign of the turnip
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on July 25, 2016, 06:56:03 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 25, 2016, 06:53:58 PM
I've just read a hook on gastronomy and discovered that I was born under the sign of the turnip

Found your picture:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.balancedwellness.co.uk%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2Fturnip.jpg&hash=65e629e8e71f2a87c2b825ed571ef25de0d84cfb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 25, 2016, 07:08:52 PM
The vicar thought he might visit Mrs Smith, at 98 his oldest parishioner.

After Mrs Smith had made them tea the vicar posed a delicate question, "Mrs Smith, do you ever think about the hereafter?"

"Oh, yes, vicar, almost every day."

The vicar is now worried that Mrs Smith is getting maudlin.

"Under what circumstances do you think about it?"

"When I gets to the top of the stairs, takes me a time to climb them yer know, then I thinks to meself, 'Now, what am I here after?' "
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 26, 2016, 05:31:40 AM


More about the hereafter..............................

A young man and young woman arrive at a hotel.
She is a Christian.  She asks him if he believes in the hereafter.
He says: If you are not here after the same thing I am here after then you are going to be here after I am long gone.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 26, 2016, 03:51:27 PM
With acknowlegement to TT at Think Humanism

Barack Obama, David Cameron, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Obama calls the USA and talks for 30 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that cost is 6 million dollars, so Obama writes him a cheque.

Finally Cameron gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the UK anytime.

When Putin & Obama hear this they go ballistic and ask the devil why Cameron got to call the UK free. The devil replied, "With the combination of the Brexit vote and Labour reneging on its constitutional duty to be a viable opposition, the country has gone to hell in a handcart, so it's a local call."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 29, 2016, 03:02:41 AM
Hey! They are making a punk spoof retro-remake of that classic film "Grease"

This is "Gross", starring John Revolting and Olivia Neutered-Tom
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 29, 2016, 07:56:26 PM
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists.

The new element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that it has an atomic number 0 and falls outside the natural table of elements. However, it has been found to have a single Higgs, 25 Personal Assistants to the Higgs, 75 Vice-Higgs and 111 Assistant Vice-Higgs. These 212 particles are held together by a force involving the continuous exchange of meson-like ideas, called memos, and muon like instructions called emails.

Because it has no protons or electrons, Administratium is inert. Nonetheless, it can be detected in that it seems to cause agitation in all the other elements. A small amount of Administratium can propagate a single event that can reverberate around the entire universe for many years. There may be occasional weak interaction with theoretical particles that are difficult to define or quantify, temporarily called consultants.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years. It does not actually decay, rather it undergoes a reorganisation in which the Vice Higgs, and certain assistants to the Vice-Higgs exchange places; some Vice-Higgs may even be emitted. Some studies have indicated that its mass actually increases after each reorganization, despite the emission of Vice-Higgs, although this is yet to be explained. Another phenomenon which has been observed, as expected from the mechanics of minute particles, is that the more one tries to pin down the positions of Vice Higgs within the structure of Administratium, the more uncertain those positions become. This is known as the Responsibility Uncertainty Principle.

Within a short time of the discovery being announced, the existence of the element was confirmed in laboratories around the world. In addition, a team at the University of Utter told a press conference they had been able to create Administratium in fusion experiments conducted at room temperature. Using highly sophisticated probability detectors, the team had detected a stream of memos from a fax-mounted device. Dr May Bee and her associate, Dr Noah Chance, said the details of their experiment were being kept confidential, pending further development of the data. But, they claimed, there were definitely more memos out of the device than went in!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on August 01, 2016, 04:03:37 AM
http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/f4/33/bb/f433bb295325ef3d22ce7f762aa0ef22.jpg
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 01, 2016, 07:25:39 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FFunnies%2Fthesaurus.png&hash=2014ef7e353c59203453ae2ceaaee92c46d79007) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Funnies/thesaurus.png.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 01, 2016, 07:27:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FFunnies%2Feric%2520igloo%25201.jpg&hash=eeaf0bf972bd295dcc386822872a002d4a48af35) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Funnies/eric%20igloo%201.jpg.html)

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 02, 2016, 06:23:28 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FFunnies%2Fmore%2520healthy%2520years.jpeg&hash=41922ba84df0b71ecae21f4a5986abaccfba598c) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Funnies/more%20healthy%20years.jpeg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 02, 2016, 09:05:33 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on August 02, 2016, 06:23:28 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FFunnies%2Fmore%2520healthy%2520years.jpeg&hash=41922ba84df0b71ecae21f4a5986abaccfba598c) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Funnies/more%20healthy%20years.jpeg.html)
Oh, boy!  :sad sigh:
This joke makes me wanna go drink and smoke, and do all kinds of things that are bad for me...Right now...while I can.   :sadcheer:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on August 02, 2016, 10:36:31 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 02, 2016, 09:05:33 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on August 02, 2016, 06:23:28 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FFunnies%2Fmore%2520healthy%2520years.jpeg&hash=41922ba84df0b71ecae21f4a5986abaccfba598c) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Funnies/more%20healthy%20years.jpeg.html)
Oh, boy!  :sad sigh:
This joke makes me wanna go drink and smoke, and do all kinds of things that are bad for me...Right now...while I can.   :sadcheer:

I plan to get really bad body aches from wearing away my cartilage with weight lifting. Then I can get all the pain killers, which is my preferred drug of choice, preferably.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 03, 2016, 08:36:51 PM
Having mentioned WD40 and duct tape elsewhere . . .

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy67%2FDaveGlos%2FMobile%2520Uploads%2Fdoes%2520it%2520move_1.jpg&hash=217cb7efa0f2dcb599aac75d2831073486895e2b) (http://s778.photobucket.com/user/DaveGlos/media/Mobile%20Uploads/does%20it%20move_1.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 04, 2016, 11:50:26 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13886385_966543473458261_3460347784649888889_n.jpg?oh=9ae5da92928efd88b966a2ac2a8bea09&oe=58554B98)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 07, 2016, 12:35:11 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13939309_619281711582525_7961919891409716405_n.jpg?oh=6e6757c71686b4584717b6d29092d288&oe=585C96D3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 07, 2016, 12:42:17 PM
^^^
Groan . . .


;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 07, 2016, 12:53:00 PM
Heheh, I often wonder why I like bad jokes. :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 07, 2016, 01:56:44 PM
That's good; bad but good :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 07, 2016, 05:43:02 PM
[Getting my "Groan" back!]

Now, the non-Brits here may need to view the following ad to understand this joke.  Watch only the first example and remember the catch-tune...


The resturant critic enters an establishment, famous for its fish dishes, new to him in a town on the southern French coast. He admires the tank of live fish etc. on his way to the table. Looking for the unusual he sees a bright green squid that, good heavens, has a moustache. This squid is also rushing wildly all over the tank. "Aha," he thinks, "a truly special dish for such as myself!"

Gaston, his waiter, seats him and enquires as to his needs.

"Ah, yes," says the critic, " I will have the green squid, sauted in garlic butter I think."

"Er, m'sieur is sure?"

"Yes, certainly."

Gaston is unhappy and goes to the owner and head chef, Gervais. "M'sieur Gervais, a customer has asked for the squid!"

"Mon Dieu, not the squid! In five years no-one has asked for the squid, it is like a pet now. But, parbleu, the customer must have his wish, bring the squid!"

The squid is placed on the cutting board, the cleaver is raised, but . . .

"Mais non! I cannot do it, my heart breaks!" cries Gervais. He turns to Hans, a Gernan student on a working holiday doing the washing up.

"Hans, despatch the squid!"

"Ja, m'sieur Gervais!" Hand lifts the cleaver but, "Nein, I cannot do it either!"

This only goes to show that . . .

(Remember that tune folks)

. . . Hans, who does dishes, can be as soft as Gervais with a wild green, hairy lipped squid.


Contender for worst "shaggy dog" joke of 1989. Came first.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 08, 2016, 04:47:01 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on August 07, 2016, 01:56:44 PM
That's good; bad but good :)

:lol: "Bad but good", I like that concept.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 08, 2016, 10:24:35 PM
 ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 17, 2016, 09:37:02 PM
The Number of the Beast

599.4<Beast<732.6 - Number of the Beast plus or minus 10% confidence
1332/2 - Number of the Vulgar Beast
P(x=666) - Probability of the Beast
F(x)=666 - Function of the Beast
666 Jr. - Son of  the Beast
666 Plus - Vitamin of the Beast
666kb - Base Memory of the Beast
WD666 - All Purpose Lubricant of the Beast
666K - Jewellery of the Beast
+666 - The Optimistic Beast
-666 - The Pessimistic Beast
666 BEA - Dewey Decimal Call Number of the Beast
666 DDD - Bra Size of the Beast
666 Long - Suit Size of the Beast
6.66V - Battery of the Beast
666-in-one - The Multi-Purpose Beast
666FM - The Radio Station of the Beast
6-0, 6-0, 6-0 - Tennis Match of the Beast
666W - Power Consumption of the Beast
666W/RMS - Average Music Output of the Beast
Line 6, Ext 66 - Where the Beast can be reached during Office Hours
Run-666 - Rap Group of the Beast
SPF666 - Suntan Lotion of the Beast
666999 - Mr & Mrs Beast enjoying each other
666/4 - Time Signature of the Beast
666/3 - Waltz of the Beast
666 BPM - The tempo of Techno Beast
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on August 17, 2016, 11:13:05 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on August 17, 2016, 09:37:02 PM
The Number of the Beast

599.4<Beast<732.6 - Number of the Beast plus or minus 10% confidence
1332/2 - Number of the Vulgar Beast
P(x=666) - Probability of the Beast
F(x)=666 - Function of the Beast
666 Jr. - Son of  the Beast
666 Plus - Vitamin of the Beast
666kb - Base Memory of the Beast
WD666 - All Purpose Lubricant of the Beast
666K - Jewellery of the Beast
+666 - The Optimistic Beast
-666 - The Pessimistic Beast
666 BEA - Dewey Decimal Call Number of the Beast
666 DDD - Bra Size of the Beast
666 Long - Suit Size of the Beast
6.66V - Battery of the Beast
666-in-one - The Multi-Purpose Beast
666FM - The Radio Station of the Beast
6-0, 6-0, 6-0 - Tennis Match of the Beast
666W - Power Consumption of the Beast
666W/RMS - Average Music Output of the Beast
Line 6, Ext 66 - Where the Beast can be reached during Office Hours
Run-666 - Rap Group of the Beast
SPF666 - Suntan Lotion of the Beast
666999 - Mr & Mrs Beast enjoying each other
666/4 - Time Signature of the Beast
666/3 - Waltz of the Beast
666 BPM - The tempo of Techno Beast


... and 668 "The Neighbor of The Beast"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 18, 2016, 12:47:28 AM
6Z6Z6Z - the slumber of the Beast...?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 18, 2016, 02:56:11 AM
666²: Twice as evil?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 18, 2016, 06:29:46 AM
25.806975801127880315188420605149 the root of all evil?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on August 18, 2016, 07:35:27 AM
66.6 FM - radio station of the beast
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 18, 2016, 11:34:54 AM
Quote from: Apathy on August 18, 2016, 07:35:27 AM
66.6 FM - radio station of the beast
Wouldn't it be ironic if that was a christian rock station?  8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 18, 2016, 01:18:07 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on August 18, 2016, 11:34:54 AM
Quote from: Apathy on August 18, 2016, 07:35:27 AM
66.6 FM - radio station of the beast
Wouldn't it be ironic if that was a christian rock station?  8)
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 18, 2016, 06:10:14 PM
66.6 fm (https://m.soundcloud.com/devinecarama/satan-radio-666-fm)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 18, 2016, 07:07:19 PM
16664 - the number of the yeast?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 18, 2016, 07:18:51 PM
666 =
1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9+10+11+12+13+14+15+16+17+18
+19+20+21+22+23+24+25+26+27+28+29+30+31+32+33+34+35+36


(Line too long to fit in one piece)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 18, 2016, 08:30:58 PM
 A man sees a boy with a box of kittens The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 18, 2016, 08:50:58 PM
^
Stolen, with thanks.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 18, 2016, 08:59:35 PM
^^

Me too!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 19, 2016, 10:32:09 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/11902285_10153568069122042_6678065957631553673_n.jpg?oh=5ddc7c6a016b38c20b79646ccc7954b3&oe=584E97E3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 19, 2016, 11:09:55 PM
^^^
:rofl:


...But seriously...
Pervert!
>:(



:grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 21, 2016, 12:37:19 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13939333_896308797166818_8924079173807362741_n.png?oh=a3f35c76d7918155e9900ae0e92e5fd9&oe=58102573)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 26, 2016, 12:50:26 PM
Warning NSFW. Gay Porn.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 26, 2016, 02:10:48 PM
^ :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 26, 2016, 02:11:08 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/14022180_901606643279331_2467396056705707868_n.jpg?oh=625eed55a196d21c1b2228a4faa7f24b&oe=583F8596)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 26, 2016, 04:30:28 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 26, 2016, 12:50:26 PM
Warning NSFW. Gay Porn.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Oh, my, god. Becky, look at those guys....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 27, 2016, 02:38:31 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 26, 2016, 04:30:28 PM
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at [those guys]....
^^^
Awwwww.  :(
Sir Mixalot - Baby Got Back

jumbojak used to like that song...a lot.   :cryandrun:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on August 28, 2016, 04:24:48 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 27, 2016, 02:38:31 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 26, 2016, 04:30:28 PM
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at [those guys]....
^^^
Awwwww.  :(
Sir Mixalot - Baby Got Back

jumbojak used to like that song...a lot.   :cryandrun:

:therethere:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 29, 2016, 01:23:11 PM
Is a polar bear who is happy making love to either gender a bipolar bear?

(With acknowledgement to BBC's "Museum of curiosity" comedy programme.)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 31, 2016, 10:30:52 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14021481_1253197531410189_2294667477736890489_n.jpg?oh=bdbce40e2250b959548c28e9289eb1ca&oe=5854D337)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on September 02, 2016, 10:52:59 PM
H6A6T6E6.  H6A6T6E.   The beast's tattoos.

(Sorry; got to this party a bit late).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 15, 2016, 06:20:21 AM
Steps to surviving a dessert island:
1. Check spelling.

2. If correct, enjoy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 15, 2016, 02:09:10 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on September 15, 2016, 06:20:21 AM
Steps to surviving a dessert island:
1. Check spelling.

2. If correct, enjoy.

I'm ready!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on September 15, 2016, 05:28:28 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on September 15, 2016, 06:20:21 AM
Steps to surviving a dessert island:
1. Check spelling.

2. If correct, enjoy.

:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 16, 2016, 11:48:10 AM
ARCHAEOLOGY
The career that is always
in ruins
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 16, 2016, 11:54:22 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on September 02, 2016, 10:52:59 PM
H6A6T6E6.  H6A6T6E.   The beast's tattoos.

(Sorry; got to this party a bit late).

B6e6A6sT
The Beast's password.


666999
Mr & Mrs Beast enjoying one another.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 16, 2016, 11:58:56 AM
Damn, just noticed that I have just passed my Beastly post count!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 16, 2016, 04:10:15 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on September 16, 2016, 11:54:22 AM
666999
Mr & Mrs Beast enjoying one another.
That's so pornographic I can't even look at it. (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.iledebeaute.ru%2Ffiles%2Fimages%2Fimgsng%2Fpart_0%2F6030%2Fsrc%2FSmile.gif&hash=deb6569f80add655788403a127f032eb67ebb792)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on September 16, 2016, 10:41:29 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on September 16, 2016, 04:10:15 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on September 16, 2016, 11:54:22 AM
666999
Mr & Mrs Beast enjoying one another.
That's so pornographic I can't even look at it. (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.iledebeaute.ru%2Ffiles%2Fimages%2Fimgsng%2Fpart_0%2F6030%2Fsrc%2FSmile.gif&hash=deb6569f80add655788403a127f032eb67ebb792)
Never had t
You down as the shrinking violet type Magdalena😀
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 16, 2016, 10:52:09 PM
^^^^
:snicker:
I'm not, but just look at those two!
NSFW
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 17, 2016, 10:31:22 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on September 16, 2016, 10:52:09 PM
^^^^
:snicker:
I'm not, but just look at those two!
NSFW
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Yeah, who'd have thought even Beasts had their interesting bits in such strange places!

And such strange shapes!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 25, 2016, 03:11:07 AM
One for wine lovers...
(https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/animals-mice-rodent-rat-rat_trap-mousetrap-ehon143_low.jpg)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F66.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m0t92hUktH1r5ml59o1_1280.jpg&hash=f9fb28bf98ede8a9ab99bd794c47f1e346cc3b22)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 25, 2016, 11:34:08 AM
On a similar theme to OG's

1st Welsh woman, "Is that Blodwyn over there? She looks happy."
2nd W W, "Yes, she's getting married on Saturday."
1st, "I didn't know she was pregnant!"
2nd, "Oh, she's not pregnant."
1st, "Getting married and not pregnant? There's posh for you!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 26, 2016, 01:22:00 PM
Fred, bit of a rough diamond, was driving in the back of nowhere, in a near blizzard, when his car breaks down. But, as luck would have it he sees a light way along the valley - just glimmering through the snow. So he heads for it.

He arrived, plastered in white stuff, at what looks like a village hall and goes in,. There is an audience and a man on a stage.

''Ladies and gentlement, have any of you seen a ghost?'' Several hands go up. It is evidently a spiritualist meeting.

''Has anyone spoken to a ghost?'' Fewer hands go up.

''Now, the big question, has anyone made love to a ghost?'' Not a hand is raised in the seated audience but Fred, tentatively, raises his.

''Ah!'' says the spitirualist, ''Was it a passed away loved one?''

''Hang on,'' says Fred, ''I still had snow in my ears. There, clear now. What was the question again?''

''Have you made love to a ghost?''

''Oh! Sorry, I thought you said 'goat' !''
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 04, 2016, 12:38:43 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14516535_1017684995010775_6776943285702507504_n.jpg?oh=578715ec4bf9ca9b0738cde790bf97b6&oe=58768D1C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 04, 2016, 02:37:35 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 04, 2016, 12:38:43 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14516535_1017684995010775_6776943285702507504_n.jpg?oh=578715ec4bf9ca9b0738cde790bf97b6&oe=58768D1C)

Ha!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on October 15, 2016, 07:14:04 PM
(https://scontent-vie1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/14705856_10154451818836327_9073456847031334427_n.jpg?oh=63a8da11627808f2fd37539e91ef584a&oe=58A0EA04)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 18, 2016, 06:43:31 AM
Put your coffee down.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 18, 2016, 09:36:25 AM
^ :rofl:

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 18, 2016, 05:46:40 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 18, 2016, 09:36:25 AM
^ :rofl:

:o ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 18, 2016, 07:21:01 PM
Quote from: joeactor on October 18, 2016, 05:46:40 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 18, 2016, 09:36:25 AM
^ :rofl:

:o ;D

I'm just thinking, roo sports bra! :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 19, 2016, 04:15:53 PM
Thanks for the warning about the coffee!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on October 19, 2016, 04:19:03 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/BnZDGfQ.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 19, 2016, 04:37:24 PM
^^^
"...the letter 'circle.'"
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 25, 2016, 09:29:46 AM
(https://scontent.fman1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14725561_1457005910982140_1000924570898778302_n.jpg?oh=04a537753d46cbdce0ad9df5bc4d436f&oe=58A358AA)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 25, 2016, 09:32:11 AM
(https://scontent.fman1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/14708373_538739082993240_8440081998382390563_n.jpg?oh=1bec72a0fa947576425bc15848185d56&oe=588B1C28)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on October 25, 2016, 06:50:22 PM
I'll research this on my next dive and report back
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 29, 2016, 12:48:43 AM
Quote from: OldGit on October 25, 2016, 09:32:11 AM
(https://scontent.fman1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/14708373_538739082993240_8440081998382390563_n.jpg?oh=1bec72a0fa947576425bc15848185d56&oe=588B1C28)
That's a very perspicacious observation OG. I'd just take his word for it Maria - we don't want you bumping your head.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 07, 2016, 07:08:32 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14947681_888000061299442_1676887680492015941_n.jpg?oh=400dd8301f2991420d08b6bb3da9af4f&oe=589D2BE5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 11, 2016, 11:14:13 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/14938308_1096892653741746_6289299602809357020_n.jpg?oh=f9531dfcac3b8563a9b33a2beda4d081&oe=58C21E48)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 13, 2016, 04:13:57 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15032881_1755753474690209_7133848558195502601_n.jpg?oh=b91fd336df048ceeb163bc556670c3d1&oe=58886E05)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on November 13, 2016, 07:21:48 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-vtBr8FHuzyY%2FT9tMhBSrnlI%2FAAAAAAAI_6E%2FHa_MtqEsbB0%2Fs1600%2Ffunny%2Bcomic%2Bpictures%2B%25283%2529.png&hash=58832510ca79dbfa8a171633cf5ebbe5b2951430)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on November 17, 2016, 12:21:39 AM
I picked up a couple pilots for Uber today. They were talking about how a famous singer, Michelle Williams, took a crap in the boxes on the plane. And when they landed, the cop says "I can't believe it, I'm not picking that up."

"Well you don't have to, it's hazmat."

"Arghragh"

"You know what you should do, is bag that up and put it on ebay"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on November 28, 2016, 11:11:53 AM
So many delightful mental pictures. Gratitude
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on November 28, 2016, 12:24:40 PM
Two guys walk into a bar..........




















..... and the third one ducks.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 28, 2016, 04:18:47 PM
^^
:snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 28, 2016, 08:26:33 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/15220054_10155170952793797_4728202856171646583_n.jpg?oh=039707b42df4d10d4f1138084f87a0fd&oe=58F86CC8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on November 28, 2016, 09:42:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.motortrend.com%2F_siteconfigs%2F_global%2Fimages%2Fcommunity%2Fbbcode%2Ficon_quote.gif&hash=7e397439145e530551380cd19bacaedf98bb1cd5)mags:
^^
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/Smileys/default/snicker.gif)

Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the salmon. (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweb.stardock.net%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fthemes%2Fdigicons%2FGrin.png&hash=d4239eb6f79a97e68a4b1dd95885df308f6eb878)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on November 28, 2016, 09:44:03 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 28, 2016, 08:26:33 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/15220054_10155170952793797_4728202856171646583_n.jpg?oh=039707b42df4d10d4f1138084f87a0fd&oe=58F86CC8)

I'm not at all for putting dogs down, but in this case, we would be doing society a favor. And a huge one at that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 28, 2016, 09:55:23 PM
Quote from: No one on November 28, 2016, 09:44:03 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 28, 2016, 08:26:33 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/15220054_10155170952793797_4728202856171646583_n.jpg?oh=039707b42df4d10d4f1138084f87a0fd&oe=58F86CC8)

I'm not at all for putting dogs down, but in this case, we would be doing society a favor. And a huge one at that.
OK.
The one about the two guys who walked into a bar..........
~That was funny.

This one is not.  >:(
Putting albino dogs down.  :fingerwag:

Edit:
Whoever made that meme, doesn't even know their rappers.  ::)
They forgot to include, Nate Dogg. Recently passed away, Nate Dogg was an early protégé of Snoop Dogg's.
He was great!  :dance1:

If we're gonna hate rap and rappers, right now, again...I should post a bunch of rap videos.... :chin:   
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 04, 2016, 11:43:39 PM
 A new preacher has been assigned to a local church. He is not familiar with the new town. He is walking down the street and asks a little boy where the post office is. Little boy says, two blocks straight ahead and turn right for one block.....Preacher says that if the little boy will come to his church on Sunday he will show him and others how to get to heaven. Little boy says; Bullshit, you don't even know how to get to the fuckin' post office.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 05, 2016, 10:17:49 PM
Vodka and ice ruins your kidneys.
Rum and ice ruins your liver.
Whisky and ice ruins your heart.
Gin and ice ruins your brain.
Pepsi and ice ruins your teeth.

Apparently the use of ice involves serious health dangers, regardless of  what it is mixed with.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
Abolish ice and drink it neat.
You can save lives!



Remember what ice did to the Titanic.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 09, 2016, 12:56:04 AM
😂😂
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 10, 2016, 06:57:26 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/15327329_1052833624827141_3600749464077894341_n.jpg?oh=57ea4e4550ed0356abb576302a1cbfeb&oe=58F87915)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 10, 2016, 07:29:19 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/15420996_1646926322266475_4925143701255593264_n.jpg?oh=d84605681d15439f2ee387f187ec622e&oe=58B40A8E)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 10, 2016, 02:46:33 PM
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing.
It's on the house!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on December 11, 2016, 01:26:25 PM
Two blondes are walking through the woods, when the come across some tracks:

First blonde:"I think these are deer tracks."

Second blonde: "No silly, these are definitely moose tracks."

They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 11, 2016, 03:06:22 PM
Quote from: No one on December 11, 2016, 01:26:25 PM
Two blondes are walking through the woods, when the come across some tracks:

First blonde:"I think these are deer tracks."

Second blonde: "No silly, these are definitely moose tracks."

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Ha! Ok... Blonde jokes...


A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver for speeding:

Blonde officer: Can I see your driver's licence, please?
Blonde driver: (rooting through purse) I can't find it - what's it look like?
Blonde officer: (sighs) It's a little rectangle with a picture of you.
Blonde driver: (pulls out a pocket mirror and looks at it) Is this it?
Blonde officer: (looks at pocket mirror) Hmmm... (hands it back to driver) I didn't know you were a police officer. You can go!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 12, 2016, 12:27:25 AM
What do you call a blonde who dyes their hair?

Artificial Intelligence.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on December 12, 2016, 12:47:23 AM
Three blondes walk into a building...... you'd think one of them would have seen it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 12, 2016, 02:37:34 PM
I hope you're not including bottle-blondes in these outrageous jokes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on December 12, 2016, 07:02:07 PM
Bloke goes to see the doctor.

"I have this terrible flatulence. There's no smell and they are silent but I feel uncomfortable. Oh, dear, there goes one now!"

"Hmm," says the dictor, "get this prescription filled and come back in a week."

A week later the chap is back in the surgery.

"Well, says the doc, "did that medication make any difference."

"Yes," says the chap, "the problem is just as frequent but now they smell terrible!"

"Good," replies the doctor, "that's got your sense of smell fixed now let's try to sort out your hearing."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 20, 2016, 08:27:04 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15622211_1048724848570799_2029763553491277498_n.jpg?oh=254352c6b9be835a9dede8f894a4e57c&oe=58FC32D3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on December 20, 2016, 10:10:52 AM
One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He replied, 'no ma'am.' She said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents.'

As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its a**.

Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, 'This is going to be my report.'

The next day at school the teacher says, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He says, 'sure do.' So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. 'Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other's a**.' The teacher says, 'Johnny, we don't use the word 'a**' in the classroom, it's rectum.' Johnny said, "Rectum? Damn near killed 'Em."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 20, 2016, 03:02:50 PM
^^^ classic!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on December 21, 2016, 03:32:06 AM
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 26, 2016, 09:41:43 AM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15542314_1328221880585627_8382315607426686354_n.jpg?oh=ed137961f0447c0994aadc38beedb01f&oe=58F06711)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 27, 2016, 02:17:52 AM
^  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 28, 2016, 11:21:04 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/15726462_1103259089786698_7880757251338456875_n.jpg?oh=5f013dd37af638003a9ac9c741b20c33&oe=58E6D7AC)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 01, 2017, 08:17:44 PM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p480x480/15192543_1320321801321784_4996518982004018660_n.jpg?oh=5c2253e47439f9a3a44d1daf5a7a65aa&oe=591D2085)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 13, 2017, 01:24:45 PM
The Pope and Trump meet together onstage at Yankee Stadium before a sold out crowd, so many people in fact that the infield is packed.
The Pope leans in towards the smiling, dopey and smug Trump and says', "Do you know with only one little wave of my hand I can make every single person in this crowd go wild with joy? A joy so deep it will delve deep into their hearts forever, and they and the entire world will forever speak of this one day with awe?"

Trump sarcastically, and in a mimicking tone say's, "Please, with one wave of your little hand you think all of that will happen? I seriously doubt it, go on little man, show me...".

So the Pope reaches back and backhands Trump across the face so hard he falls off the stage, and the crowd roars and cheers wildly and there was joy adn happiness throughout the land!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on January 13, 2017, 06:13:55 PM
^that reminds me of this very old joke:

Putin and Trump are flying in a plane over Russia.
Putin:   "You know Donald, If I would  throw a 10 rouble bill out of this plane, I would make a whole family happy".
Trump: "That is nothing,Vladimir!  If I would throw a 10 dollar  bill out of this plane, it would make a whole village happy".
Pilot: "Well gentlemen, if I would crash the plane, it would make the whole,world happy!".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 14, 2017, 12:28:11 AM
Ancient Greek goes to the tailor to have his trousers mended.
Tailor: Euripedes?
Greek: Eumenides?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on January 14, 2017, 08:37:06 AM
 ^ :picard facepalm:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on January 14, 2017, 08:41:40 AM
Why did the student of Eastern philosophies refuse a local anasthetic at the dentist?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 22, 2017, 12:57:12 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-0/p480x480/16179211_1873789512949824_7828743217453800087_o.jpg?oh=d41957a33801c250e916326a5efdd1a2&oe=5922F80F)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 22, 2017, 01:26:27 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16174532_1090056057786432_1247331193496594657_n.jpg?oh=36b4b12c278ffc28cfe501768dcb56dc&oe=5915CD72)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 27, 2017, 05:39:55 PM
This isn't really a joke, but I was browsing through my local newspaper today during lunch and came across this little advise tidbit that I feel must be shared for the sake of everyone's continued safety.

Dear Miss Manners: What would Miss Manners advise people do if a tornado warning were to be announced during a wedding/party/etc.?

Gentle Reader: Seek shelter.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 27, 2017, 08:57:23 PM
^ Miss manners provides wise council in this case.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on January 27, 2017, 09:24:24 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on January 14, 2017, 08:41:40 AM
Why did the student of Eastern philosophies refuse a local anasthetic at the dentist?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
.

That's truly dreadful, but I love it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on February 04, 2017, 11:45:28 AM
For all the straight atheists in this forum:

Heterosexual Questionnaire
1.   What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2.   When and how did you first decide you were heterosexual?
3.   To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
4.   Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a passing phase?
5.   Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from the neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
6.   If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?
7.   Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?
8.   Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep quiet?
9.   A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
10.   Despite all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiralling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
11.   Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they might face?
12.   Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
13.   Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?
14.   How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality, and fail to develop your natural homosexual potential?
15.   There seem to be few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Mr. B on February 04, 2017, 08:37:13 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on February 04, 2017, 11:45:28 AM
For all the straight atheists in this forum:

Heterosexual Questionnaire
1.   What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

I can't help it. I was just born this way.

Quote2.   When and how did you first decide you were heterosexual?

It wasn't a decision I made. I can't help that I am attracted to women.

Quote3.   To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

It's not something I normally talk about, especially to strangers. I don't introduce myself as being heterosexual. But, of the people who do know that I am heterosexual most of them seem to be pretty okay with it. Most people don't treat me any differently.

Quote4.   Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a passing phase?

Probably not at this point. I've felt this way for over 40 years.

Quote5.   Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from the neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

I guess anything is possible but I don't feel any fear of others of the same sex. I have had several really intense close relationships with members of the same sex, I just never felt a desire to actually engage sexually with any of my good samesex friends.

Quote6.   If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

Again, anything is possible but I have never felt the desire to do such a thing. I am happy just the way I am.

Quote7.   Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

Don't know. I don't feel compelled but I can't speak for others.

Quote8.   Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep quiet?

Like I said before. My sexuality is not something I tend to bring up in conversation. I don't get in peoples faces about it. I don't advertise it or broadcast it to the world. It just is what it is and if someone wants to know, then I tell them.

Quote9.   A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?

That is a serious concern that I have. I have three daughters, all in school. I worry about that shit. But for the most part I think it's okay but I don't really have much choice in the matter either. My children are required by law to be exposed to teachers...unless I want to home school them but I would be doing my children a disservice if I chose that route. I'm smart enough to understand the limits of my intelligence.

Quote10.   Despite all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiralling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

I don't think I am qualified to give an educated answer to that question. Divorce happens for a lot of reasons.

Quote11.   Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they might face?

I want my children to be happy and I want them to be able to make their own choices. I try to teach them the importance of learning from their mistakes and the importance of respecting themselves and others. So, if they choose to get married I'll support them as best I can. If they do not chose to get married I will still support them, it doesn't matter to me if they happen to be gay or straight.

Quote12.   Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

They are human. I think most humans place too much emphasis on sex.

Quote13.   Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

Social engineering and eugenics.

Quote14.   How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality, and fail to develop your natural homosexual potential?

Not sure how to respond to that. Should I ask a lesbian to let me stick my dick in her in order to make her a whole person?

Quote15.   There seem to be few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

Nope. Because sex isn't a central theme to my identity and sex does not effect my happiness level or self esteem. Why is this in a joke thread?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 08, 2017, 07:40:25 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16265639_1321037387956355_2028462838854174140_n.jpg?oh=ab4e61069955aa6c80d5e955592956f2&oe=593B8872)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on February 08, 2017, 08:38:21 PM
^

:sadnod:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Mr. B on February 09, 2017, 01:45:08 AM
Thank you, Common Core, for politicizing EVERYTHING. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 10, 2017, 02:05:41 AM
^^ that is a sad commentary xSP. Too bad that it is largely true.  As a long time volunteer math tutor, I can say that the math ignorance joke is not a joke, it is an unfortunate reality.  That reality pains me because some of my students have been really bright people who had a built in aversion to anything that used number manipulation.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on February 10, 2017, 09:35:17 AM
Quote from: Icarus on February 10, 2017, 02:05:41 AM
^^ that is a sad commentary xSP. Too bad that it is largely true.  As a long time volunteer math tutor, I can say that the math ignorance joke is not a joke, it is an unfortunate reality.  That reality pains me because some of my students have been really bright people who had a built in aversion to anything that used number manipulation.

I loved English at school, especially essay writing. I loved describing things as well as creating new stuff.

If they had convinced me back then that I could also describe things with numbers . . .

Closest I came to it was in science, but science was very basic stuff in British state schools in the 50s. Hardly any maths, just basic properties and reactions. Mostly demonstrations rather than experimental proofs, no time for extra curricular questions.

Had it been different my life might have been very different.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 10, 2017, 03:22:00 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16194958_715940768583285_4925162679799107832_n.jpg?oh=5db09be302de11b1bd8e6871e87fa96f&oe=5945C3C7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 10, 2017, 03:23:02 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on February 10, 2017, 09:35:17 AM
Quote from: Icarus on February 10, 2017, 02:05:41 AM
^^ that is a sad commentary xSP. Too bad that it is largely true.  As a long time volunteer math tutor, I can say that the math ignorance joke is not a joke, it is an unfortunate reality.  That reality pains me because some of my students have been really bright people who had a built in aversion to anything that used number manipulation.

I loved English at school, especially essay writing. I loved describing things as well as creating new stuff.

If they had convinced me back then that I could also describe things with numbers . . .

Closest I came to it was in science, but science was very basic stuff in British state schools in the 50s. Hardly any maths, just basic properties and reactions. Mostly demonstrations rather than experimental proofs, no time for extra curricular questions.

Had it been different my life might have been very different.

Great Literature Is Surprisingly Arithmetic (https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/great-literature-is-surprisingly-arithmetic/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on February 10, 2017, 04:28:23 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on February 10, 2017, 03:23:02 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on February 10, 2017, 09:35:17 AM
Quote from: Icarus on February 10, 2017, 02:05:41 AM
^^ that is a sad commentary xSP. Too bad that it is largely true.  As a long time volunteer math tutor, I can say that the math ignorance joke is not a joke, it is an unfortunate reality.  That reality pains me because some of my students have been really bright people who had a built in aversion to anything that used number manipulation.

I loved English at school, especially essay writing. I loved describing things as well as creating new stuff.

If they had convinced me back then that I could also describe things with numbers . . .

Closest I came to it was in science, but science was very basic stuff in British state schools in the 50s. Hardly any maths, just basic properties and reactions. Mostly demonstrations rather than experimental proofs, no time for extra curricular questions.

Had it been different my life might have been very different.

Great Literature Is Surprisingly Arithmetic (https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/great-literature-is-surprisingly-arithmetic/)

Excellent link, xSP!!

Strangely one of those things that seems quite obvious once it is pointed out. Patterns are important, especially to those, such as myself, who have a tendency towards the analytic.

Now I have an inkling as to why some authors can successfully do "chapter swaps" between two or more threads in a story than some others. Too much of an emotional roller-coaster ride can be confusing and mentally/emotionally tiring. Perhaps they need to look for "saw-tooth" waveforms in some books, repetitive climbs to an emotional peak each followed by a cliff edge to suspense for a chapter or three? Too long and it takes effort to put the components into a coherent strream.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 10, 2017, 05:04:07 PM
Here are some Betsy Devos jokes (America's new Secretary of Education, who here in Michigan worked to elevate for-profit schools with no consideration of the severe harm done to traditional public schools. )

Elementary math being taught under Devos.
Q: Dragonia and Icarus each have 4 apples . Who has more apples?
A: Whomever Mike Pence decides has more apples.

Betsy Devos's first order as Secretary of Education is the flattening of all school globes.


Please post more jokes about Betsy if you have them as it's important to get these jokes in while people can still actually read.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 10, 2017, 06:58:34 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on February 10, 2017, 05:04:07 PM
Elementary math being taught under Devos.
Q: Dragonia and Icarus each have 4 apples . Who has more apples?
A: Whomever Mike Pence decides has more apples.

Betsy Devos's first order as Secretary of Education is the flattening of all school globes.


Please post more jokes about Betsy if you have them as it's important to get these jokes in while people can still actually read.

:rofl:

Saw this one on Twitter:

"Betsy DeVos is replacing school meals with the Body of Christ."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on February 10, 2017, 07:00:57 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on February 10, 2017, 06:58:34 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on February 10, 2017, 05:04:07 PM
Elementary math being taught under Devos.
Q: Dragonia and Icarus each have 4 apples . Who has more apples?
A: Whomever Mike Pence decides has more apples.

Betsy Devos's first order as Secretary of Education is the flattening of all school globes.


Please post more jokes about Betsy if you have them as it's important to get these jokes in while people can still actually read.

:rofl:

Saw this one on Twitter:

"Betsy DeVos is replacing school meals with the Body of Christ."

And no blood to go with it?

Oh, they will be underage I suppose.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 10, 2017, 07:22:36 PM
No! No daily blood. It leads kids to beer, which leads to parties and ultimately to the grave sin of homosexuality.  :sadnod:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 11, 2017, 07:36:41 AM
I have a set of DVDs that are lectures about the way that music is related to math and visa versa. The Great Courses are mainly lectures by notable college profs that are specialists in their fields. The music/math one is by an Asian American prof named David Kung.  He is a PHD math prof and an accomplished violinist. The lecture course is educational as well as entertaining.  You do not need to be a math geek to enjoy the course.

Betsy DeVos  is an unfortunate choice for Secretary of Education. The great course series includes hundreds of courses about many subjects. I would have Ms DeVos take some of those courses in order to learn about education.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on February 13, 2017, 10:56:39 AM
This is worth a smile:

http://www.itv.com/news/2016-10-21/amateur-artists-church-sculpture-repair-prompts-outrage-among-parishioners/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 14, 2017, 02:55:46 AM
Looks like the bay Jesus to me........what is the problem. Nice sculptor lady tries to be helpful and now this.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 16, 2017, 01:58:55 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16508809_726149087562453_4522086577807692809_n.jpg?oh=7a23a223f93a9c661af9433ae2eb69e1&oe=59042962)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on February 16, 2017, 02:33:20 PM
Bloke living in the middle if the bondu, hundreds of miles from anywhere, has a fault develop in his car's gearbox.

He phones the spares depot but they say his Datsun is so old they don't have any complete boxes left, but can do him a set of gear wheels if he csn install them himself.

"OK", he says, but can you fly them out for me, I need them like yesterday?"

"OK, but we may have to parachute them down tomorrow, our delivery plane is overflying you but on a tight schedule."

"No probs!"

Next day, sound of an aircraft high overhead. The bloke is still in bed but his missus looks out just as - the chute opens with a jerk and the box splits and the contents fall out.

The wife calls out, "Hey, hubby, it's raining Datsun cogs!"


(I'll just get me coat shall I?)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 16, 2017, 03:20:18 PM
Good ones xSp and Gloucester!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 16, 2017, 06:07:50 PM
A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "What can I get you Mr. President?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on February 16, 2017, 06:35:52 PM
^   :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 16, 2017, 07:30:23 PM
^^ :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Mr. B on February 16, 2017, 11:10:30 PM
A little background before the joke.

I sometimes come across as conservative or even Republican to some people. Truth is, while I am fiscally conservative and believe in individual responsibility, I am...at my core, a social liberal. I have vocally defended gay rights and supported the LGBT movement my entire adult life. Heck, the woman we use to do my wife and children's hair is transgendered. I don't have my hair done or I would go to her to. We have seen her perform at New Begginings.[nb]https://www.facebook.com/newbegninningsJCTN/[/nb] I have even had one or two long term girl friends and even my wife question my heterosexuality because I am so sympathetic to the cause and because in person I am a very gentle soul. Not some sort of macho alpha male stereotype. I cry when I'm happy damn it. I see no reason why a man should be second guessed, questioned or even looked at funny if he wears a skirt in public. That shit doesn't matter to me. Wear what you want. Love who you want. Be what you are without shame.

One day my wife came home from work, took one look at me and immediately told me to take off her blouse. So I did. Then she stepped in a little closer and told me to take off her skirt. So I did. Then she leaned in and whispered into my ear, "Take off my bra". Like a good compliant man, I did that to.

Then she stepped back, looked me straight in the eye and said softly but with authority, "Now, If I ever come home and catch you wearing my clothes again, I will file for divorce."

And that's why I stopped wearing women's clothes.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 17, 2017, 02:15:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F61hOwNp.jpg&hash=d3307ded3eb746ea2f4af8042d614a829d477371)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on February 17, 2017, 02:20:13 PM
^  :heyhey:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 22, 2017, 07:21:10 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16729086_730440997133262_6281809458130540821_n.jpg?oh=8947983b457d451441c4fd79e02db86e&oe=59455410)

The Tetris Effect (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tetris_effect) is well known. Could this be the Pokemon Go Effect while doing maths?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 22, 2017, 11:05:48 PM
Something like......xE^x-1 maybe?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on February 23, 2017, 03:44:52 AM
A woman was in a coma, and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think she choked".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on February 23, 2017, 05:06:44 AM
Quote from: No one on February 23, 2017, 03:44:52 AM
A woman was in a coma, and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think she choked".

Lol that's terrible.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 23, 2017, 03:33:46 PM
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, who was also an insomniac?


















She lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on February 26, 2017, 05:44:36 PM
I found this for the Asmo:

(https://scontent.fbos1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/fr/cp0/e15/q65/16992348_1170831713029015_7872230472756880665_o.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=8b9cfcfa09c59779113a80818d60bce8&oe=5925F706)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on February 27, 2017, 06:59:41 PM
A young artist exhibits his works for the first time.....
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion of your work?"

"Yes," says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic.

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on February 27, 2017, 07:27:07 PM
^  :mb lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 07, 2017, 02:59:31 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fk1OFnUm.jpg&hash=49d99884b685df9bf44fd4af79eb4af63cea9b51)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Mr. B on March 07, 2017, 04:15:56 AM
I um....

Need a new keyboard 'cause I....just spit my drink out all over it from laughing. Seriously.

that's the funniest thing I've seen in a month or two.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on March 14, 2017, 09:18:05 PM
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13.A Flash-light: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . Evolution gave you toes as a device for finding hard things in your way in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on March 18, 2017, 02:50:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1vgD2YV.jpg&hash=2c0e2cf9b8e02353516f017890cb4d3b1f20f565)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on March 24, 2017, 05:07:39 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FVc5yfmY.jpg&hash=e86622574235c6d10114ad2a9dec68958001af1f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 24, 2017, 05:20:32 PM
(https://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/just-some-good-ol-star-wars-jokes-34-photos-31.jpg?quality=85&strip=info&w=600)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 05, 2017, 07:52:21 PM
(https://scontent-frt3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/17795749_10154583829274366_5028542042357093229_n.jpg?oh=7ac2050bdb45c8f89a21c0051d96226b&oe=59578EA1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on April 05, 2017, 08:09:46 PM
^  :sadnod:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 05, 2017, 08:45:03 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on March 24, 2017, 05:07:39 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FVc5yfmY.jpg&hash=e86622574235c6d10114ad2a9dec68958001af1f)


I just saw this one, would be funny if it wasn't such an accurate description of how these Navy chaps really are. 8)

Squibs.

[spoiler]One day while on leave from the Navy, a lonely man went into a bar (All Navy men are lonely).
He's talking to this beautiful woman, and she agrees to a night of business pleasure.
During sex the guy looks down at her and asks "How am I doing?"
She looks at him and says, "About three knots"
Confused the man asks "What do you mean three knots?"
She says "You're KNOT hard, KNOT pleasuring, and you're KNOT getting your money back."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 10, 2017, 02:05:27 PM
(https://scontent-frt3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p480x480/17862434_1281732961909099_5464095158306811265_n.png?oh=538480da28ffcfbe2a6db47b4df82248&oe=59953EE9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 10, 2017, 08:28:14 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on April 10, 2017, 02:05:27 PM
(https://scontent-frt3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p480x480/17862434_1281732961909099_5464095158306811265_n.png?oh=538480da28ffcfbe2a6db47b4df82248&oe=59953EE9)

;D ;D ;D  :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 15, 2017, 01:18:46 PM
How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
The lightbulb will only change if Allah wills it!

How many Palestinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they prefer to sit in the dark and blame it on Israel.

How many Saudis does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, hired Philippina will change it.

How many Pakistanis does it take to change a lightbulb?
Most are too inbred to figure out which way the lightbulb turns. The dead bulb should be blamed on minorities who insulted Islam. The only logical response is to form trend Twitter to #HangAyazNizami .

How many Egyptians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only the military may change the bulb.

How many Iraqis does it take to change a lightbulb?
All available lightbulbs are already being used for IEDs in daily Sunni/Shia violence.

How many Afghani Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
Demand that the Americans build expensive, top-of-the-line lighting fixture. Then blow it up.

How many Libyans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have assured us that every effort was made to change the lightbulb on time, but that it was simply too late.

How many UAE Emiratis does it take to change a lightbulb?
You are NOT allowed to touch the lightbulb unless you are married to it!

How many Nigerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Lightbulbs are forbidden Western technology!

How many Indian Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
First they must have a massive lecture by "Doctor" Joker Naik, who will interpret the Qur'an to find the only acceptable halal method of lightbulb changing, which proves that the Qur'an is "scientific". Then there will be several lightbulbs in the audience that "convert" on the spot.

How many British Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just have one of their underage, kidnapped, white female change it.

How many French Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
They already smashed every unused bulb in riots.

How many American Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
They'll just build a shiny new lightbulb at ground zero.

- Imtiaz Mahmood
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 15, 2017, 06:26:23 PM
^ROFL
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 16, 2017, 08:35:22 AM
Teen aged blond is out of school in summer. She thinks it a good idea to earn some money. After some indecision she decides to hire out as a handy person. She begins knocking on doors in the wealthy part of town. A man answers the door and hears her pitch to do home cleaning or other chores. He says the porch needs to be painted, how much would you charge for that job? She says $50. He says OK, the paint and the brushes are there in the garage.

Back inside, the man tells his wife that the porch is being painted for $50. She says that he is taking unfair advantage of the worker because the porch reaches all the way around the house and that the job is worth much more than $50. He says a deal is a deal.

Two hours pass, Blond knocks on the door announcing that the job is finished. Impressed with the speed of the job the man ponies up the fifty bucks. Blond says that the first coat of paint used only half the paint and that she applied the rest of it for a second coat. Walking away, she turns and says: By the way it is a Lexus not a Porche.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 23, 2017, 02:13:20 PM
Hotel clerk : Good evening Sir, what brings you to our hotel?

Me: I saw a giant spider in my bedroom.

Hotel clerk: ?

Me: It got away before I could kill it...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on April 23, 2017, 06:17:37 PM
What's better than Roses on your Piano?
















Tulips on your Organ.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 27, 2017, 01:19:04 PM
So Jimmy is walking slowly down the street, and his face long and full of despair when he passes by the local preacher, who stops Jimmy and says:

Preacher: Hey Jimmy why the long face?
Jimmy:  Hello Father, well I'm not doing well. You see I just bought a brand new bicycle and it was stolen, and I don't have the money right now to get a new one and it's the only way I have to get to work, so if I don't get my bike back I'll probably lose my job.

Preacher: Here's what I want you to do Jimmy, you believe in Jesus Christ don't you?
Jimmy: Why yes of course Father I believe in Jesus.
Preacher: You accept him as your savior don't you?
Jimmy: Yes Father I accept Jesus as my lord and savior.
Preacher: So I want you to get down on your knees for Jesus can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees for Jesus.
Preacher:  I want you to pray to Jesus, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and pray to Jesus.
Preacher: And I want you to ask Jesus to forgive your wicked ways, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and say a prayer to Jesus and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness.
Preacher: And then I want you to recite the 10 commandments, you do know the 10 commandments don't you Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father, I know the 10 commandments, and I'll get down on my knees and pray to Jesus, and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness, and than recite the 10 commandments.
Preacher: When you get to that part of the 10 commandments where it say's, "And thou shall not steal" do you know what is going to happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: No Father I don't.
Preacher: The person who stole your bicycle is going to feel so guilty and ashamed for stealing your brand new bicycle they are going to return it to you. So what are you going to do Jimmy?
Jimmy: I'm going to get down on my knees, and pray to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I ask him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I'm going to recite the 10 commandments and when I gets to the part about, "Thou shall not Steal," the thief is going to feel so guilty and ashamed he is going to return my bike to me.
Preacher: Now you go on home and do this Jimmy, and a miracle will happen!
Jimmy: Yes Father I will, thank you.

A couple days go by and the Preacher is out walking and he sees Jimmy on his way home from work riding his new bike:

Preacher: Jimmy, praise the Lord I see your bike was returned!
Jimmy: Yes Father it sure was, it was a miracle just like you said.

Preacher: So how did it happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: I did just like you told me Father. I got down on my knees, and prayed to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I asked him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I recited the 10 commandments just like you told me, and when I got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery" I remembered where I'd left my bicycle.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 18, 2017, 08:29:21 PM
Jimmy was out walking one evening when he spots another man standing on the edge of the bridge about to jump off to his death.

So Jimmy runs over to the other man and says, "Stop. Don't do it"!  "Why shouldn't I", replies the desperate man?

Jimmy tells the other man that there is much to live for in this world, and the other man replies, "Like what"?

"Are you religious", asks Jimmy?

"Yes", the other man says?

"So am I", pleads Jimmy "so am I".
"Are you Christian or Buddhist"?
"Christian".
"Me too"

"Catholic or Protestant"
"Protestant"

"Me too, yells Jimmy, Me too".
"Are you Episcopalian or Baptist"?
"Baptist".


"Me too, yells Jimmy, Me too".
"Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of Lord"?
"Baptist Church of God".


"Me too, yells Jimmy, Me too".
"Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God"?
"Reformed Baptist Church of God"


"Me too, yells Jimmy, Me too".
"Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation 1879, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation 1915"!

Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation 1915"!

"Die you heretic son of a bitch", and then Jimmy pushed the other man off the bridge.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 24, 2017, 12:45:06 PM
I just made this up and posted in on Facebook  :D

BMWs are to Cars as Islam is to Religions.

Not all BMW drivers are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes drive BMWs.

Not all Muslims are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes follow Islam.

If your are offended by this grow up  :D

I'm waiting to see how many Muslims who drive BMWs get to see my page!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 24, 2017, 07:24:52 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 24, 2017, 12:45:06 PM
I just made this up and posted in on Facebook  :D

BMWs are to Cars as Islam is to Religions.

Not all BMW drivers are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes drive BMWs.

Not all Muslims are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes follow Islam.

If your are offended by this grow up  :D

I'm waiting to see how many Muslims who drive BMWs get to see my page!

I just wonder how many people already called you an Islamophobe or a racist  ;).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 24, 2017, 07:31:27 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on May 24, 2017, 07:24:52 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 24, 2017, 12:45:06 PM
I just made this up and posted in on Facebook  :D

BMWs are to Cars as Islam is to Religions.

Not all BMW drivers are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes drive BMWs.

Not all Muslims are arseholes,
but the biggest arseholes follow Islam.

If your are offended by this grow up  :D

I'm waiting to see how many Muslims who drive BMWs get to see my page!

I just wonder how many people already called you an Islamophobe or a racist  ;).
One young Muslim lad got the hump so far. He's only 17 so there is still hope.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 25, 2017, 09:30:43 AM
Quote from: Tank on May 24, 2017, 07:31:27 PM
One young Muslim lad got the hump so far. He's only 17 so there is still hope.

It's probably a prefectly innocent turn of phrase in brit English, but to me that sounded a little suggestive....   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on May 25, 2017, 10:21:10 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on May 25, 2017, 09:30:43 AM
Quote from: Tank on May 24, 2017, 07:31:27 PM
One young Muslim lad got the hump so far. He's only 17 so there is still hope.

It's probably a prefectly innocent turn of phrase in brit English, but to me that sounded a little suggestive....   ;D

You mean "hump"? I think it was used for "a bit annoyed" in English before it had connotations of having nooky. Always amusing how the "value" of words changes, it is what makes American a "cousin" of English rather than a "brother". How did the word for a bundle of kindling twigs or a meatball made from offal ever get to mean "homosexual" for example? Can only think of  the "fagging" system in upper crust English schools and their reputation for being "all boys together", a term that is worth Googling for a giggle, often sung as "all queers together" in a parody of the Eton Boat Song. The words of the actual song include, "Swing, swing together with our backs between our knees" Of course, that refers to the position and action of rowing a racing boat, in a line, each close behind the other, sliding back and forth . . .

Similar to that group activity known as a "daisy chain".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on May 25, 2017, 08:58:35 PM
Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 25, 2017, 09:10:04 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on May 25, 2017, 08:58:35 PM
Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Ha!

Ok, have you ever eaten Chinese-German fusion cuisine?
An hour later, you're hungry for power.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 25, 2017, 10:06:57 PM
This is a short funny video with comedian Russell Howard, and you have to watch it through to the end. 8)


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 26, 2017, 09:46:35 AM
That was amazing!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on May 26, 2017, 10:11:57 AM
Why is that I do not find that sort of humour particularly humorous I wonder?

It is not the subject or the language, maybe it is because the whole thing seems "artificial" to my mind in that it is constructed just to exploit those aspects. Without them it falls flat.

But, that's just me, good thing we are all a bit different.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 26, 2017, 02:16:15 PM
Don't know about the giant cock costume, but if nobody shows up at my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper I shall refuse to be buried.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 26, 2017, 03:26:13 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on May 25, 2017, 08:58:35 PM
Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

The joke has only a small detail wrong. There isn't a border control for EU citizen between France and Germany.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on May 26, 2017, 03:30:17 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on May 26, 2017, 10:11:57 AM
Why is that I do not find that sort of humour particularly humorous I wonder?

It is not the subject or the language, maybe it is because the whole thing seems "artificial" to my mind in that it is constructed just to exploit those aspects. Without them it falls flat.

But, that's just me, good thing we are all a bit different.

Before my Great Uncle Alphonse passed away (True story) I helped to look after and take care of him as he was living alone after his wife, my Dear Aunt Jane had passed away about a year or so prior.

One afternoon I had taken him out to run some errands, and we stopped to have lunch. During the course of our meal the waitress had come by the table to check up on us and she cracked a joke which I thought was funny, but to which my Uncle Al responded, "Not funny at all my dear,... enough with the jokes, just go fetch me some more god damn coffee"!

You could tell she was really hurt by his comment, and I was of course not only embarrassed, but felt sorry for the poor waitress. I sat there with Uncle Al in uncomfortable silence.
When the waitress returned with the damn coffee you could tell she was still upset about Uncle's comment, but then he reached out and took her hand, apologized and asked her forgiveness blaming his remark on being old and cranky.
She smiled, and said it was alright, and thanked him for apologizing, I remember both of their eyes glistening with tears.

When she left the table he looked at me sadly and said, "Why do you think I don't find things funny anymore", and I replied, "I think it's just like you said Uncle, your too damn old and too damn cranky"! (I had never spoke to him like that before)

He lifted his cup of joe in air, smiled and said, "Now that was funny boy"!





Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on May 26, 2017, 04:19:34 PM
Hmmm, spontaneous inuendoes, puns and double-meanings of a funny nature I appreciate readily. Even setting up for a one-off joke. But, whole like that video just turn me off. "Right, how many swesr wirds xzn I fit into this joke?"

The double-meaning jokes on things like the English comedy quiz show "I'm sorry I haven't a clue" are (especially regarding Samantha the Scorer, who you never see) deliberate but mostly very witty. Not in yer face.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 27, 2017, 09:26:51 AM
"I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue"  is still funny in parts, but not like it used to be.  Still worth a listen now and again.

I wonder if we could get a game of "Mornington Crescent" (part of said show) going here.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on May 27, 2017, 10:00:22 AM
Quote from: OldGit on May 27, 2017, 09:26:51 AM
"I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue"  is still funny in parts, but not like it used to be.  Still worth a listen now and again.

I wonder if we could get a game of "Mornington Crescent" (part of said show) going here.

I tend to agree, but things of memory often seem better than the present. Still miss Willie Rushton.

"Mornington Crescent" was the one bit that did not do much for me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 27, 2017, 11:09:51 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on May 26, 2017, 02:16:15 PM
Don't know about the giant cock costume, but if nobody shows up at my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper I shall refuse to be buried.  ;D
I thought you were going for the burning boat Viking thing?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 27, 2017, 01:45:34 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 27, 2017, 11:09:51 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on May 26, 2017, 02:16:15 PM
Don't know about the giant cock costume, but if nobody shows up at my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper I shall refuse to be buried.  ;D
I thought you were going for the burning boat Viking thing?
I imagine there would still be a service of some kind.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 27, 2017, 01:58:09 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on May 27, 2017, 10:00:22 AM
Quote from: OldGit on May 27, 2017, 09:26:51 AM
"I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue"  is still funny in parts, but not like it used to be.  Still worth a listen now and again.

I wonder if we could get a game of "Mornington Crescent" (part of said show) going here.

I tend to agree, but things of memory often seem better than the present. Still miss Willie Rushton.

"Mornington Crescent" was the one bit that did not do much for me.

The joy of Mornington Crescent is there are no rules, anything goes.  I wonder if anyone outside of the UK would get it though.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on May 27, 2017, 02:59:45 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on May 27, 2017, 01:58:09 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on May 27, 2017, 10:00:22 AM
Quote from: OldGit on May 27, 2017, 09:26:51 AM
"I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue"  is still funny in parts, but not like it used to be.  Still worth a listen now and again.

I wonder if we could get a game of "Mornington Crescent" (part of said show) going here.

I tend to agree, but things of memory often seem better than the present. Still miss Willie Rushton.

"Mornington Crescent" was the one bit that did not do much for me.

The joy of Mornington Crescent is there are no rules, anything goes.  I wonder if anyone outside of the UK would get it though.

Yes, I understand the concept, just doesn't work for me. :) Though I once had a 15 minute conversation on the role of the haggis in the evolution of the sporran that was utter made up crap but, we were told, sounded most convincing.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on May 27, 2017, 03:32:42 PM
It goes like this:

THE ROLE OF THE HAGGIS IN THE EVOLUTION OF THE SPORRAN AS WE KNOW IT TODAY.

Firstly we must look at the nature of the wild haggis. As is well known these beasts run round and round the hills, females (with their shorter right legs) going clockwise; males (with left legs the shorter) going anti-clockwise. Should the two genders coincide the head on collision is the spur for frantic sexual activity.

The ancient hunting method was to find the circumhilliar track and, with skill, determine whether it is a male or female track. The hunter then sits, legs wide open, in the track, lifting his kilt - in which he intends to snare the haggis. As can be imagined, with the haggis being able to attain a velocity of 10 miles per hour and having no effective braking system (other than the head-on collision with a potential mate), this represented a considerable threat to the future generations of haggis hunters.

Thus a shield of thick leather was developed, worn under the kilt to protect the vulnerable body parts. A metal boss was then set in the center of the shield to simulate the thick skull of another haggis. In time this became personalised by means of decorations of fur etc. So proud were the hunters of their trade and its equipment that the shield came to be worn, on social occasions, over the kilt rather than under. In time even more embellishment was added and, untill the recent discovery of an ancient manuscript on tanned haggis skin, its origin became forgotten, it merely functioning as a money purse and a fashion accessory..

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 27, 2017, 03:35:09 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on May 27, 2017, 03:32:42 PM
It goes like this:

THE ROLE OF THE HAGGIS IN THE EVOLUTION OF THE SPORRAN AS WE KNOW IT TODAY.

Firstly we must look at the nature of the wild haggis. As is well known these beasts run round and round the hills, females (with their shorter right legs) going clockwise; males (with left legs the shorter) going anti-clockwise. Should the two genders coincide the head on collision is the spur for frantic sexual activity.

The ancient hunting method was to find the circumhilliar track and, with skill, determine whether it is a male or female track. The hunter then sits, legs wide open, in the track, lifting his kilt - in which he intehds to snare the haggis. As can be imagined, with the haggis being able to attain a velocity of 10 miles per hour and having no effective braking system (other than the head-on collision with a potential mate), this represented a considerable threat to the future generations of haggis hunters.

Thus a shield of thick leather was developed, worn under the kilt to protect the vulnerable body parts. A metal boss was then set in the center of the shield to simulate the thick skull of another haggis. In time this became personalised by means of decorations of fur etc. So proud were the hunters of their trade and its equipment that the shield came to be worn, on social occasions, over the kilt rather than under. In time even more embellishment was added and, untill the recent discovery of an ancient manuscript on tanned haggis skin, its origin became forgotten, it merely functioning as a money purse and a fashion accessory..

Haha thanks to my relatives I believed a similar story about the short and long legs for years!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 27, 2017, 08:51:32 PM
M'c siorach gliona na haggis.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 05, 2017, 09:22:23 AM
A whole bunch of one-liners:

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research.

8. In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.

11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

12. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.

15. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

16. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

17.  I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

18. I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on June 07, 2017, 09:29:59 PM
(https://mathsocietyclub.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/math20joke1.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 08, 2017, 05:56:59 PM
The prospective member for Little Twittington stood at the lectern in front of the heckling crowd.

"Please be quiet, I can't even hear myself speak!"

In the sudden relative quiet a voice from the back called out, "That's alright, mate, no one is listening to you anyway!"


BTW like your maths jokes, Arturo!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 08, 2017, 06:26:40 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on June 08, 2017, 05:56:59 PM
The prospective member for Little Twittington stood at the lectern in front of the heckling crowd.

"Please be quiet, I can't even hear myself speak!"

In the sudden relative quiet a voice from the back called out, "That's alright, mate, no one is listening to you anyway!"


BTW like your maths jokes, Arturo!

I liked Arturo's math joke as well, though I'm not too sure about yours Glowchester.  :P

Wife discovers husband having affair.
Her: How could you?
Him: ... But her emails (Clinton)!
*everyone laughs*
Him: Also you probably have chlamydia
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 08, 2017, 06:35:18 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on June 08, 2017, 06:26:40 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on June 08, 2017, 05:56:59 PM
The prospective member for Little Twittington stood at the lectern in front of the heckling crowd.

"Please be quiet, I can't even hear myself speak!"

In the sudden relative quiet a voice from the back called out, "That's alright, mate, no one is listening to you anyway!"


BTW like your maths jokes, Arturo!

I liked Arturo's math joke as well, though I'm not too sure about yours Glowchester.  :P

Wife discovers husband having affair.
Her: How could you?
Him: ... But her emails (Clinton)!
*everyone laughs*
Him: Also you probably have chlamydia

I have missed something with this, "...but her emails" thing. No comprendo. I know about the emails but...


(And yes, 'twas a feeble jest, but this whole election is a sick joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 08, 2017, 06:55:39 PM
Apparently, "Four Wongs", do make a "Wright"!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F2Nswzza.jpg%3F1&hash=721048c4f5b92786f07765b16f532f9e7b3df99f)




p.s. I love the first kidss name "Anakin", totally cool. 8)
p.p.s. You are "Zoe Wright", isn't bad either. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on June 08, 2017, 07:38:59 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on June 08, 2017, 06:35:18 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on June 08, 2017, 06:26:40 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on June 08, 2017, 05:56:59 PM
The prospective member for Little Twittington stood at the lectern in front of the heckling crowd.

"Please be quiet, I can't even hear myself speak!"

In the sudden relative quiet a voice from the back called out, "That's alright, mate, no one is listening to you anyway!"


BTW like your maths jokes, Arturo!

I liked Arturo's math joke as well, though I'm not too sure about yours Glowchester.  :P

Wife discovers husband having affair.
Her: How could you?
Him: ... But her emails (Clinton)!
*everyone laughs*
Him: Also you probably have chlamydia

I have missed something with this, "...but her emails" thing. No comprendo. I know about the emails but...


(And yes, 'twas a feeble jest, but this whole election is a sick joke.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FO0UjOJZ.jpg&hash=b94271561a4a7d44e3485fa0b489375fee72f0e3)

(https://i.redd.it/58so826qfovy.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 08, 2017, 08:06:32 PM
Yeah, OK, Davin, I remember them - but they went over my head the first time!
:grin:

It is a form of humour I have yet to understand.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 08, 2017, 08:13:04 PM
OK, getting there . . .

QuoteI'm new in Atlanta, so last week I went to Drinking Liberally, which is a get-together for, you guessed it, persons of liberal persuasion who want to drop sick references to sweet Springsteen songs without wondering if the people around them are into the Boss or not.

About one hour in, as everyone around me was talking about what fresh hell Trump was unleashing, the dude next to me said, in mock exasperation:

"But her emails! But her emails!'

It was like the Pastor had called for a response from the congregation. "But her emails!" replied the rest of the group. Not all at once, but staggered, as if all parties were concluding that they, too, were Spartacus. It was like the scene in Hot Fuzz where the group of villains intones "For the greater good," except with more assurance and le ironic flavor.

"But her emails" is a meme in liberal circles. There are a couple of mutations, but when people say "But her emails," they are usually referring to a particular image that I first saw after Secretary Clinton's loss in November. The picture is of a drowned town: water everywhere, with the tops of trees and houses visible in the background. In the foreground, there is a highway sign, sporting, in all caps, "BUT HER EMAILS," with Arthurian flair. The sign is mostly underwater.

https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2017/02/democrats-stop-saying-but-her-emails.html

Guess I missed the origin of the meme - not much of a meme-ist anyway I fear, don't do a lot for me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 21, 2017, 12:50:30 PM
Just realised that "mortgage" looks awfully like it derives from "death measure"!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 22, 2017, 01:34:54 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on May 27, 2017, 01:58:09 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on May 27, 2017, 10:00:22 AM
Quote from: OldGit on May 27, 2017, 09:26:51 AM
"I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue"  is still funny in parts, but not like it used to be.  Still worth a listen now and again.

I wonder if we could get a game of "Mornington Crescent" (part of said show) going here.

I tend to agree, but things of memory often seem better than the present. Still miss Willie Rushton.

"Mornington Crescent" was the one bit that did not do much for me.

The joy of Mornington Crescent is there are no rules, anything goes.  I wonder if anyone outside of the UK would get it though.

I've seen it likened to a Dutch auction, which might make it seem a bit more understandable.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 23, 2017, 06:37:40 PM
This is funny as hell, at least to me.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F54RATsp.jpg&hash=0d7301a9329d6021e22975cf3a0a814c4d2ad56e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on June 23, 2017, 08:22:49 PM
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are riding in an elevator.
A very attractive man gets on, rides few floors, and gets off.

Brunette: "Man! He was hot!"
Redhead: "He looks like he could use some head and shoulders."
Blond: "How do you give a guy shoulders?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 24, 2017, 09:26:45 PM
^ :thinking:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 24, 2017, 09:50:55 PM
Quote from: No one on June 23, 2017, 08:22:49 PM
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are riding in an elevator.
A very attractive man gets on, rides few floors, and gets off.

Brunette: "Man! He was hot!"
Redhead: "He looks like he could use some head and shoulders."
Blond: "How do you give a guy shoulders?"

If I'm getting that I've a far dirtier mind than I thought.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 24, 2017, 10:36:55 PM
Not excatly a joke but I think its gunny: the World Taekwonfo Federation has changed it name to just - World Taekwondo.

WTF did they do that . . Oh...yeah...I see.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on June 25, 2017, 01:23:27 AM
Quote from: No one on June 23, 2017, 08:22:49 PM
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are riding in an elevator.
A very attractive man gets on, rides few floors, and gets off.

Brunette: "Man! He was hot!"
Redhead: "He looks like he could use some head and shoulders."
Blond: "How do you give a guy shoulders?"

I'm guessing it means giving someone a nice massage and feeling jealous and emotionally betrayed when he goes to the spa. :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 25, 2017, 05:37:35 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on June 25, 2017, 01:23:27 AM
Quote from: No one on June 23, 2017, 08:22:49 PM
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are riding in an elevator.
A very attractive man gets on, rides few floors, and gets off.

Brunette: "Man! He was hot!"
Redhead: "He looks like he could use some head and shoulders."
Blond: "How do you give a guy shoulders?"

I'm guessing it means giving someone a nice massage and feeling jealous and emotionally betrayed when he goes to the spa. :P

Yeah, I am sure you are right, Silver . . .(snicker)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on June 25, 2017, 05:38:30 AM
Lol what do you think it means when someone says "you give a guy head" lol think hard
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 25, 2017, 05:39:23 PM
Just in case you do not have that product in other countries; Head and Shoulders is a hair shampoo that claims to eliminate dandruff.  But you knew that didn't you?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 25, 2017, 05:57:46 PM
Quote from: Icarus on June 25, 2017, 05:39:23 PM
Just in case you do not have that product in other countries; Head and Shoulders is a hair shampoo that claims to eliminate dandruff.  But you knew that didn't you?
Yes.

:grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on June 25, 2017, 09:35:41 PM
Quote from: Icarus on June 25, 2017, 05:39:23 PM
Just in case you do not have that product in other countries; Head and Shoulders is a hair shampoo that claims to eliminate dandruff.  But you knew that didn't you?

Of course! :grin:

We have the same brand in Brazil:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mundodomarketing.com.br%2Fimages%2Fmaterias%2FPG_head-shoulders.jpg&hash=a8a20081deb99afd6d0d8f3ca831f72b0021df74)

The writing says "Recommended by dermatologists, used by celebrities." It's just marketing genius, I think. Since celebs use it then I MUST! :cracked:

:eyeroll:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on June 26, 2017, 11:15:29 PM
I think you're all missing the point somewhat😀
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on June 26, 2017, 11:35:02 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 26, 2017, 11:15:29 PM
I think you're all missing the point somewhat😀

Clearly they are all blonde in real life
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on June 27, 2017, 04:49:30 AM
Quote from: Arturo on June 26, 2017, 11:35:02 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on June 26, 2017, 11:15:29 PM
I think you're all missing the point somewhat😀

Clearly they are all blonde in real life

My wife didn't get the joke either, but she isn't blond.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on June 27, 2017, 11:09:29 AM
An 80 year old couple were seen having sex furiously up against a fence. For 40 minutes they shagged like crazy, arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor.

Christ she said "you didn't fuck Me like that 50 years ago!"

To which the man replied "50 years ago that fence wasn't electric!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 27, 2017, 03:58:11 PM
^^ ;)


A Blonde, Brunette, and Redhead are riding together in an elevator when it comes to stop at a floor, onto the elevator steps a very well dressed, handsome young man.

After going down several floors the elevator comes to a stop and the young man gets off.

"Wow", say's the Redhead, "He was extremely handsome, and what a beautiful suit he was wearing"!

"I agree", says the Brunette, "He was both extremely handsome and well dressed, he could use some Head and Shoulders though"

"How do you give Shoulders?", asks the Blonde.






(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F59B8Tlq.jpg&hash=0a5edbd432e81cf055a1bb4aeae2c0a9623a5558)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on June 27, 2017, 07:23:16 PM
That joke sounds vaguely familiar, padre. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 27, 2017, 09:20:57 PM
Quote from: No one on June 27, 2017, 07:23:16 PM
That joke sounds vaguely familiar, padre.

I can't believe you went back and somehow edited and modified all of those posts just to make it look like it was your joke No one, talk about fake news!

Now I know why the joke sounded so familiar to me, the other night I was playing racquetball with some friends and one of them told that same joke....sorry about that,.... ::)


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 28, 2017, 05:29:46 PM
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 08, 2017, 08:59:27 AM
(https://scontent-frt3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/19702321_1382681245141397_4509225053214039698_n.jpg?oh=257c889026aa9929782e2abdbc93373d&oe=5A041172)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 11, 2017, 11:44:52 AM
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 11, 2017, 01:48:20 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 11, 2017, 11:44:52 AM
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.


::) Ugh ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on July 12, 2017, 02:21:45 AM
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on July 14, 2017, 02:15:17 AM
(https://18670-presscdn-pagely.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/enhanced-buzz-15228-1462194220-11.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on July 14, 2017, 02:22:08 AM
8 vowels? That's a pretty neat trick. (https://web.stardock.net/images/smiles/themes/digicons/Whistle.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 14, 2017, 08:30:12 AM
Quote from: No one on July 14, 2017, 02:22:08 AM
8 vowels? That's a pretty neat trick. (https://web.stardock.net/images/smiles/themes/digicons/Whistle.png)

Your sentence contains 8 vowels, No!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on July 14, 2017, 11:16:50 AM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 14, 2017, 08:30:12 AM
Quote from: No one on July 14, 2017, 02:22:08 AM
8 vowels? That's a pretty neat trick. (https://web.stardock.net/images/smiles/themes/digicons/Whistle.png)

Your sentence contains 8 vowels, No!

Not counting the y's, I get 38 vowels.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 14, 2017, 12:48:04 PM
What about the numerals 8 and 11 are those considered vowels? (Although I seem to remember Sister Agnes in school smacking me with her ruler screaming something about determiners?)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 14, 2017, 01:27:59 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on July 14, 2017, 11:16:50 AM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 14, 2017, 08:30:12 AM
Quote from: No one on July 14, 2017, 02:22:08 AM
8 vowels? That's a pretty neat trick. (https://web.stardock.net/images/smiles/themes/digicons/Whistle.png)

Your sentence contains 8 vowels, No!

Not counting the y's, I get 38 vowels.
But those in the picture sre already sentenced, Hernmes!

aaaceeehiknoprrssttttttvwy8'?

That is 8 vowels, 18 consonants, one number, one apostrophe and one question mark that No one managed to sentence here!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 14, 2017, 01:36:11 PM
Knock knock.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 14, 2017, 01:41:42 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on July 14, 2017, 01:36:11 PM
Knock knock.

Who's there?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 14, 2017, 01:57:38 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 14, 2017, 01:41:42 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on July 14, 2017, 01:36:11 PM
Knock knock.

Who's there?

With.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 14, 2017, 01:58:45 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on July 14, 2017, 01:57:38 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 14, 2017, 01:41:42 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on July 14, 2017, 01:36:11 PM
Knock knock.

Who's there?

With.

With who?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 14, 2017, 02:02:52 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 14, 2017, 01:58:45 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on July 14, 2017, 01:57:38 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 14, 2017, 01:41:42 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on July 14, 2017, 01:36:11 PM
Knock knock.

Who's there?

With.

With who?

With whom*
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on July 14, 2017, 02:09:23 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on July 14, 2017, 02:02:52 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 14, 2017, 01:58:45 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on July 14, 2017, 01:57:38 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 14, 2017, 01:41:42 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on July 14, 2017, 01:36:11 PM
Knock knock.

Who's there?

With.

With who?

With whom*

*groan*
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on July 14, 2017, 02:52:18 PM
Quote from: Claireliontamer on July 14, 2017, 02:09:23 PM

*groan*

:rofl:

That has got to be one of the worst jokes I've ever seen but at the same time it's hilarious!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on July 14, 2017, 04:03:11 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 14, 2017, 01:27:59 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on July 14, 2017, 11:16:50 AM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 14, 2017, 08:30:12 AM
Quote from: No one on July 14, 2017, 02:22:08 AM
8 vowels? That's a pretty neat trick. (https://web.stardock.net/images/smiles/themes/digicons/Whistle.png)

Your sentence contains 8 vowels, No!

Not counting the y's, I get 38 vowels.
But those in the picture sre already sentenced, Hernmes!

aaaceeehiknoprrssttttttvwy8'?

That is 8 vowels, 18 consonants, one number, one apostrophe and one question mark that No one managed to sentence here!

You should know by now that my IQ is similar to my shoe size.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 14, 2017, 04:43:45 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on July 14, 2017, 04:03:11 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 14, 2017, 01:27:59 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on July 14, 2017, 11:16:50 AM
Quote from: Gloucester on July 14, 2017, 08:30:12 AM
Quote from: No one on July 14, 2017, 02:22:08 AM
8 vowels? That's a pretty neat trick. (https://web.stardock.net/images/smiles/themes/digicons/Whistle.png)

Your sentence contains 8 vowels, No!

Not counting the y's, I get 38 vowels.
But those in the picture sre already sentenced, Hernmes!

aaaceeehiknoprrssttttttvwy8'?

That is 8 vowels, 18 consonants, one number, one apostrophe and one question mark that No one managed to sentence here!

You should know by now that my IQ is similar to my shoe size.

English or metric shoe size? My IQ would be 41 sur le Continent, but here its only 7 here  :shrug:

But then, my trouser waist size is 32 here and 82 over there!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on July 14, 2017, 05:12:35 PM
English (8).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 15, 2017, 01:19:28 AM
man: a whiskey please
bartender: "straight?"
man: gay, actually
bartender: "no that's... i meant like, neat."
man: i know right??
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on July 22, 2017, 12:07:10 AM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/20228818_1125719877559041_5306060231551939013_n.jpg?oh=044c69f14171aaed7095b047a8209bae&oe=59F57122)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on July 22, 2017, 12:45:14 AM
Samsung's Bixby!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on July 23, 2017, 06:00:02 AM
Have you ever wondered where mercury comes from?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on July 23, 2017, 06:23:19 AM
HA!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on July 23, 2017, 10:56:01 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on July 23, 2017, 06:00:02 AM
Have you ever wondered where mercury comes from?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Shoulda put that in the "Puns" thread!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on July 24, 2017, 04:29:04 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTXkdJ2d.jpg&hash=93413e35030c69e9e300fdb0acf27f3b176a3f25)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 08, 2017, 08:49:33 PM
Quote from: Davin on July 24, 2017, 04:29:04 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTXkdJ2d.jpg&hash=93413e35030c69e9e300fdb0acf27f3b176a3f25)
That's funny^^^ 8)


Paleolithic Cave Gallery Show!
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FbNGqEWa.jpg&hash=f30a29a47ccd8d2173b4dcad9c8979f25215b110)


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7dnArmu.jpg&hash=b234fc0f9ddc6197a7f643bf6358fb866a177bfa)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 22, 2017, 06:40:31 AM
Pound coin gag scoops best Edinburgh Fringe joke award (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-40999000#_=_)


The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2017

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on August 22, 2017, 07:38:14 AM
I come from a musical family. In fact, my one uncle died while conducting.

He was struck by lightning.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 24, 2017, 01:02:06 AM
Quote from: Tank on August 22, 2017, 06:40:31 AM
Pound coin gag scoops best Edinburgh Fringe joke award (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-40999000#_=_)


The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2017

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

Was going to put these on, but didn't have time. 5 is my favourite.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 24, 2017, 08:08:39 AM
3 and 15 are my favourites.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 25, 2017, 07:57:11 AM
I like 4 and 9 the most.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 25, 2017, 08:27:58 AM
Yeah, 9 is one of those you know you shouldn't, but you can't help it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 25, 2017, 08:43:56 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on August 25, 2017, 08:27:58 AM
Yeah, 9 is one of those you know you shouldn't, but you can't help it.

Yes, a bit like, "I want to die gently, just like falling asleep as my grandad did, not screaming in fear like the passengers in his car."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 25, 2017, 11:49:37 PM
Quote from: Gloucester on August 25, 2017, 08:43:56 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on August 25, 2017, 08:27:58 AM
Yeah, 9 is one of those you know you shouldn't, but you can't help it.

Yes, a bit like, "I want to die gently, just like falling asleep as my grandad did, not screaming in fear like the passengers in his car."

Indeed 😉

This was doing the rounds on FB today.
To his extreme annoyance, the doctors' receptionist asked the patient his reason for wanting a consultation. 'I don't want to say in front of everyone' he said. 'You have to give a reason,' she said so he reluctantly replaced, 'It's my dick'  Then she told him off for saying something to cause her and those waiting embarrassment. 'You should have said something like 'my ear'.' The man left and returned a few minutes later.
Then receptionist gave a self-satisfied smirk when the man obeyed her command and said he wanted to see a doctor about his ear. 'And what's wrong with your ear?' she asked. The whole place was in uproar when he replied, 'I can't piss with it.'


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 26, 2017, 02:31:46 AM
I love Essie Mae... I do hope that Mr. M does not object.   That a sophisticated British lady such as Mrs M, could have the abandon to relate such a joke ^ makes me happy. We Yanks often presume that the Brits are insufferably stuffy. Not so for our Brit HAFers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 26, 2017, 05:25:23 AM
Quote from: Icarus on August 26, 2017, 02:31:46 AM
I love Essie Mae... I do hope that Mr. M does not object.   That a sophisticated British lady such as Mrs M, could have the abandon to relate such a joke ^ makes me happy. We Yanks often presume that the Brits are insufferably stuffy. Not so for our Brit HAFers.

Yes, all us Brits are insufferably stuffy and superior, just like all you Yanks are arrogant in-your-face loudmouths!  :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 27, 2017, 01:46:26 AM
^ Not all of us Glous. Some of us are actually rather genteel and polite  You must be thinking of the behavior of our president.  It is a shameful truth that there is a substantial contingent of Americans who are total assholes. Just as you say, boorish, arrogant, boisterous, and ignorant. Our president is a prime example but not of the actual mainstream.

I do sincerely wish to disabuse you and other British or European  individuals of the notion that all of us share those egregious characteristics.  In fact the majority of us are pleasingly civilized. We even have art museums, libraries, Symphony orchestras, prestigious colleges, and outstanding modern architecture.  We have performing arts schools, newspapers, and indoor toilets as well. We are not all feeble minded hillbillies, the ones that the news services see fit to describe when there is a disturbance....such as the recent Charlottesville episode.  Those are the exceptions. we do have  a plethora of organizations, and civic entities who are dedicated to the common good and compassion along with  support of those most in need.

We are a huge nation with more than 320 million citizens. There is a wide diaspora of types and attitudes, some of them not commendable but overall we are a civilized bunch who actually do care about one another and we do obey the rules of a functional society.

When I said that our general perception of the British is that they are stuffy, it was a poor attempt at humor. We sometimes regard the Brits as those most like the characters in the popular series; Downton Abbey. and similar plays that emphasize the essentials of proper behavior.  Besides, we have other HAF threads that explore the different interpretations of words in the English language as opposed to the same word meaning in the American vernacular. Stuffy is not a derisive word. It might even be a complimentary word.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 27, 2017, 06:47:29 AM
QuoteNot all of us Glous. Some of us are actually rather genteel and polite

That was entirely my point, Icarus, we tend to think stereotypes include the whole nation - just because the extremotypes stand out from the quite and friendly norm. Media civerage and films, of course, are not really interested in Joe Q Normal, they want Tarquin P. Posh or Basher X. Cojones.

(Damn, thought I had coined a neologism with "extremotypes" - not quite again!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 27, 2017, 11:12:44 AM
Reflecting on this "image" problem it is not just the media preference for loud and violent people. You mentioned your president as an example, at his rallies he attracted the very kind of people others imagjne typify Americans and, if course, the media gave it plenty of exposure. However, to the more phlegmatic British viewpoint (perhaps almost a European viewpoint if you exclude those terribly exitable Italians :) ) even the Democratic rallies are noisy and brash - didn't hear a single polite "hear, bear" the whole time, just whoops, shouts and whistles... Unfortunately we seem to be importing this behaviour.

I recognised your tounge in cheek humour and my reply was intended in the same way. But this is an interesting aspect of tge difference of national character and perspective. For America, being almost a federation of seperate, semi-autonomous, countries rather than states, there is going to be a wide spread of character and viewpoint over the whole nation. Even li'l ol' Britain varies wildy in its socual and political values from top to toe, but has a certain unity of spirit. America posesses a national identity when push comes to shove from external forces (mostly) but internally is there any consensus definition of what American values really comprise of, in detail? "Values" are held as being important, so long as it's "my" perception of those values and no-one elses.

Individualism seems to be held dear over there as well, hence the proliferation of home work-shops, pick-up trucks, private power systems, personal armouries (compared to most other similarly developed coubtries) and I recognise that those living in remote areas need self-reliance, as do, ssy, Australians and some Canadians as comparative nations). Part of that (now mostly outdated) pioneer, go-it-alone past? This forum is quite gentle, go look at "The Thinking Atheist" for an example of violent debates and attitudes (and blinkered perception) that exemplify the above. But, there are some nice guys there as well. That that forum has many more active members than HAF might also be significant.

Dammit all, you guys could almost be British in comparison!  :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 27, 2017, 04:34:42 PM
This place is a lot more polite than TTA. I'm taking a break from that place because of what Gloucester mentioned. I can only watch so much vitriol dispensed before I burn out, just from seeing it, even when it isn't directed at me.

BoT, here's a joke-

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the guy who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year—that these windows would pay for themselves in a year—-

It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on August 27, 2017, 05:01:39 PM
I like it lol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 30, 2017, 08:51:26 PM
Quote from: Icarus on August 26, 2017, 02:31:46 AM
I love Essie Mae... I do hope that Mr. M does not object.   That a sophisticated British lady such as Mrs M, could have the abandon to relate such a joke ^ makes me happy. We Yanks often presume that the Brits are insufferably stuffy. Not so for our Brit HAFers.

Mr M saw through me straight away!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on August 30, 2017, 09:51:38 PM
Quote from: Icarus on August 27, 2017, 01:46:26 AM
^ Not all of us Glous. Some of us are actually rather genteel and polite.

I do sincerely wish to disabuse you and other British or European  individuals of the notion that all of us share those egregious characteristics.  In fact the majority of us are pleasingly civilized. We even have art museums, libraries, Symphony orchestras, prestigious colleges, and outstanding modern architecture.  We have performing arts schools, newspapers, and indoor toilets as well. We are not all feeble minded hillbillies, the ones that the news services see fit to describe when there is a disturbance....such as the recent Charlottesville episode.  Those are the exceptions. we do have  a plethora of organizations, and civic entities who are dedicated to the common good and compassion along with  support of those most in need.

I speak for most Brits here I think when I say that we don't doubt any of the above and you're right that the media choose to emphasise the dark side. That said, maybe because I read too much Patheos, as well as the mainstream news, we don't seem to see anything about the people who are left-leaning or even centrist. It is giving the wrong kind People in this country the wrong idea about yours. Where are the Democrats?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on August 31, 2017, 12:59:42 AM
America has been republican majority for most of it's history. There was even a time when republican presidents were voted in back to back.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on August 31, 2017, 03:22:10 AM
Chuck Norris walked into a Burger King and ordered a Big Mac. They made him one...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on August 31, 2017, 03:25:38 AM
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?



Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 02, 2017, 05:11:26 PM
"Mummy, mummy, what's a vampire?"

"Be quiet, Vlad, and finnish your soup before it clots,"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on September 02, 2017, 06:18:19 PM
"Mummy, mummy, what does a stork do after he delivered the babies?"

"Lying on the couch and watching football!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 02, 2017, 06:52:19 PM
"Mummy, Mummy! I don't wanna visit grandpa!"
"Shut up and keep digging!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 02, 2017, 07:18:25 PM
Quote from: joeactor on September 02, 2017, 06:52:19 PM
"Mummy, Mummy! I don't wanna visit grandpa!"
"Shut up and keep digging!"

Alternative version:

"Mummy, mummy, can I play with Grandpa?"

"No! You dug him up once already this week!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on September 03, 2017, 02:19:39 AM
Slobovians are denizens of an artificial country named Slobovia, invented in an effort to tell ethnic jokes without offending people. That said, here's one- Slobovians bury their dead face down so their kids have a place to park their bikes when they come to visit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 03, 2017, 04:59:42 AM
Quote from: Fireball on September 03, 2017, 02:19:39 AM
Slobovians are denizens of an artificial country named Slobovia, invented in an effort to tell ethnic jokes without offending people. That said, here's one- Slobovians bury their dead face down so their kids have a place to park their bikes when they come to visit.

I remember a similar joke but "they bury their dead "arse-up". Just makes it more specific!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on September 03, 2017, 08:22:15 AM
Quote from: Gloucester on September 03, 2017, 04:59:42 AM
Quote from: Fireball on September 03, 2017, 02:19:39 AM
Slobovians are denizens of an artificial country named Slobovia, invented in an effort to tell ethnic jokes without offending people. That said, here's one- Slobovians bury their dead face down so their kids have a place to park their bikes when they come to visit.

I remember a similar joke but "they bury their dead "arse-up". Just makes it more specific!

That is a Belgium joke about the Dutch
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 03, 2017, 09:50:55 AM
Mummy, Mummy, can I lick the bowl?
No, flush it like anybody else!


Mummy, Mummy, I hate my sister's guts!
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.


Mummy, Mummy, why do I keep walking round in circles?
Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 04, 2017, 06:43:51 AM
Slobovia was the invention of a cartoonist that used to have regular strips in the newspaper comic section.  The cartoons of the Slobovians always pictured them with icicles hanging from their noses.  It is very cold in Slobovia. The whole shtick hinted at Siberia.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on September 05, 2017, 04:21:54 PM
So a photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop says, "Can I carry any of your luggage?"
The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 05, 2017, 04:39:15 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on September 05, 2017, 04:21:54 PM
So a photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop says, "Can I carry any of your luggage?"
The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
:picard facepalm:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 05, 2017, 08:40:06 PM
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 05, 2017, 08:53:22 PM
Quote from: joeactor on September 05, 2017, 08:40:06 PM
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
:picard facepalm: :picard facepalm: :picard facepalm:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 05, 2017, 10:00:13 PM
Quote from: joeactor on September 05, 2017, 08:40:06 PM
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

OMG- This should be in the "Punishing Puns" thread Joe, not here were we expect to read jokes that are funny!


MODS, I think Joe should be punished for this...I mean seriously, this is egregious posting. :foottap:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 05, 2017, 10:15:33 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on September 05, 2017, 10:00:13 PM
Quote from: joeactor on September 05, 2017, 08:40:06 PM
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

OMG- This should be in the "Punishing Puns" thread Joe, not here were we expect to read jokes that are funny!


MODS, I think Joe should be punished for this...I mean seriously, this is egregious posting. :foottap:

Yes, it deserves punishment!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on September 05, 2017, 10:37:28 PM
How much worse can this get? 😱
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 05, 2017, 10:52:21 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on September 05, 2017, 10:37:28 PM
How much worse can this get? 😱

Well, Essie, though I am no pundit in this field I fell that  we should be punctillious about such things to keep our standards up.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 05, 2017, 11:06:24 PM
... as long as you guys don't punch me for it...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on September 05, 2017, 11:08:25 PM
What did the shy pebble wish?





Only to be a little boulder.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 05, 2017, 11:16:03 PM
Quote from: No one on September 05, 2017, 11:08:25 PM
What did the shy pebble wish?





Only to be a little boulder.

LOL!!!

(the flood gates are open now!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on September 06, 2017, 12:30:34 AM
Quote from: Father Bruno on September 05, 2017, 10:00:13 PM
MODS, I think Joe should be punished for this...I mean seriously, this is egregious posting. :foottap:

:bigspecs:

Sorry, but punishing for puntastically bad jokes was not in the job description.

:P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 06, 2017, 03:55:07 PM
^^ That was ugly, hopefully it has passed and never returns again. :P

Let's try these on for size.

A lady is sitting at home when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. She picks up the snail and throws it as far as she can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. She opens it and sees the same snail back on the porch. The snail says: 'What the fuck was that all about?'

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special deal for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say what it is you want me to do in three words or less.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not.' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays the $300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint...my....house.'

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 06, 2017, 04:00:46 PM
Love the second one, FrB!  :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 06, 2017, 04:20:31 PM
I liked the first one. "...Three years later..."  :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 06, 2017, 04:51:18 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on September 06, 2017, 04:20:31 PM
I liked the first one. "...Three years later..."  :lol:
Quote from: Dave on September 06, 2017, 04:00:46 PM
Love the second one, FrB!  :lol:

Thank you both very much, and hopefully Joe is paying attention! ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 06, 2017, 08:02:12 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on September 06, 2017, 04:51:18 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on September 06, 2017, 04:20:31 PM
I liked the first one. "...Three years later..."  :lol:
Quote from: Dave on September 06, 2017, 04:00:46 PM
Love the second one, FrB!  :lol:

Thank you both very much, and hopefully Joe is paying attention! ;D

Hmmm... No, sir. I don't get it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on September 06, 2017, 10:45:02 PM
I think they're saying they think you're that snail from that movie, and their lives have been painted a lovely shade of delight with you in it, Joseph.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 06, 2017, 11:24:59 PM
Quote from: No one on September 06, 2017, 10:45:02 PM
I think they're saying they think you're that snail from that movie, and their lives have been painted a lovely shade of delight with you in it, Joseph.
I have a few questions:
"They" sounds like a lot of people. Who are, "they?" and what movie are you talking about? Also, who is Joseph?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on September 07, 2017, 05:30:22 AM
Quote from: Father Bruno on September 06, 2017, 03:55:07 PM
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special deal for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say what it is you want me to do in three words or less.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not.' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays the $300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint...my....house.'


Another HAF member would have said "Check my feet"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 07, 2017, 01:05:33 PM
Quote from: joeactor on September 06, 2017, 08:02:12 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on September 06, 2017, 04:51:18 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on September 06, 2017, 04:20:31 PM
I liked the first one. "...Three years later..."  :lol:
Quote from: Dave on September 06, 2017, 04:00:46 PM
Love the second one, FrB!  :lol:

Thank you both very much, and hopefully Joe is paying attention! ;D

Hmmm... No, sir. I don't get it.

I was just teasing you about the pun you posted earlier... 8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 07, 2017, 07:58:22 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on September 06, 2017, 11:24:59 PM
Quote from: No one on September 06, 2017, 10:45:02 PM
I think they're saying they think you're that snail from that movie, and their lives have been painted a lovely shade of delight with you in it, Joseph.
I have a few questions:
"They" sounds like a lot of people. Who are, "they?" and what movie are you talking about? Also, who is Joseph?

"They" are like "Them"... only meaner.
(mst3k quote from something)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 08, 2017, 06:38:24 PM
ce n'est pas une blague

Item on BBCs comedy "News Quiz" from a local paper somewhere in England:

" . . . during a strip search of the suspect a large amount of crack was found in the back of his trousers."

And another, from the online description of a beauty spot:

"The northern part of Slapton Sands is regularly used by naturists, so please plan your visit to ensure you see all the bits you want to."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on September 08, 2017, 07:09:36 PM
Quote from: Dave on September 08, 2017, 06:38:24 PM
ce n'est pas une blague

Item on BBCs comedy "News Quiz" from a local paper somewhere in England:

" . . . during a strip search of the suspect a large amount of crack was found in the back of his trousers."

And another, from the online description of a beauty spot:

"The northern part of Slapton Sands is regularly used by naturists, so please plan your visit to ensure you see all the bits you want to."
;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on September 08, 2017, 08:29:08 PM
Well I've never punched anyone yet, but....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 09, 2017, 12:35:34 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on September 08, 2017, 08:29:08 PM
Well I've never punched anyone yet, but....
Yes, I can understand that this might provoke violence. There is an historical precedent for it, the Romans did fight the Punic Wars.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on September 12, 2017, 11:13:39 PM
Quote from: Dave on September 09, 2017, 12:35:34 PM
Quote from: Essie Mae on September 08, 2017, 08:29:08 PM
Well I've never punched anyone yet, but....
Yes, I can understand that this might provoke violence. There is an historical precedent for it, the Romans did fight the Punic Wars.

A puny response if I may say so 🙄
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 29, 2017, 08:38:27 PM
Interviewer: What would you consider one of your strengths?
Me: I can perform under pressure
Interviewer: Can you give me an example?
Me: *deep breath*

Um Boom Ba Bay,
Um Boom Ba Bay,
Ba Ba Boom Ba Be Be,

PRESSURE!

Pushing down on me,... Pressing down on you...No man ask for...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 29, 2017, 09:02:16 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on September 29, 2017, 08:38:27 PM
Interviewer: What would you consider one of your strengths?
Me: I can perform under pressure
Interviewer: Can you give me an example?
Me: *deep breath*

Um Boom Ba Bay,
Um Boom Ba Bay,
Ba Ba Boom Ba Be Be,

PRESSURE!

Pushing down on me,... Pressing down on you...No man ask for...

:headscratch:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 29, 2017, 09:04:59 PM
Oh!



?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 29, 2017, 09:35:23 PM
^^ ;D
(https://i.imgur.com/ULfa7Sy.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 29, 2017, 09:58:10 PM
Quote from: Father Bruno on September 29, 2017, 09:35:23 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/ULfa7Sy.gif)

:lol:

Later: I suddenly thought that in the ten or twelve times that I have been to people's homes to help them with their computers it was mainly the women partners who wanted to learn and who asked the more intelligent questions.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 01, 2017, 10:48:53 PM
(https://dreamladderblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/dream-ladder-suit-comic.jpg)




(https://www.quicksprout.com/images/jobinterview.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 08, 2017, 09:16:09 PM
^^^ :lol: Well done Maggy!

Here's a couple of jokes I've posted before, slightly updated the second one,


So Jimmy is walking slowly down the street, and his face long and full of despair when he passes by the local preacher, who stops Jimmy and says:

Preacher: Hey Jimmy why the long face?
Jimmy:  Hello Father, well I'm not doing well. You see I just bought a brand new bicycle and it was stolen, and I don't have the money right now to get a new one and it's the only way I have to get to work, so if I don't get my bike back I'll probably lose my job.

Preacher: Here's what I want you to do Jimmy, you believe in Jesus Christ don't you?
Jimmy: Why yes of course Father I believe in Jesus.
Preacher: You accept him as your savior don't you?
Jimmy: Yes Father I accept Jesus as my lord and savior.
Preacher: So I want you to get down on your knees for Jesus can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees for Jesus.
Preacher:  I want you to pray to Jesus, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and pray to Jesus.
Preacher: And I want you to ask Jesus to forgive your wicked ways, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and say a prayer to Jesus and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness.
Preacher: And then I want you to recite the 10 commandments, you do know the 10 commandments don't you Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father, I know the 10 commandments, and I'll get down on my knees and pray to Jesus, and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness, and than recite the 10 commandments.
Preacher: When you get to that part of the 10 commandments where it say's, "And thou shall not steal" do you know what is going to happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: No Father I don't.
Preacher: The person who stole your bicycle is going to feel so guilty and ashamed for stealing your brand new bicycle they are going to return it to you. So what are you going to do Jimmy?
Jimmy: I'm going to get down on my knees, and pray to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I ask him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I'm going to recite the 10 commandments and when I gets to the part about, "Thou shall not Steal," the thief is going to feel so guilty and ashamed he is going to return my bike to me.
Preacher: Now you go on home and do this Jimmy, and a miracle will happen!
Jimmy: Yes Father I will, thank you.

A couple days go by and the Preacher is out walking and he sees Jimmy on his way home from work riding his new bike, and says:

Preacher: Jimmy, praise the Lord I see your bike was returned!
Jimmy: Yes Father it sure was, it was a miracle just like you said.

Preacher: So how did it happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: I did just like you told me Father. I got down on my knees, and prayed to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I asked him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I recited the 10 commandments just like you told me, and when I got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery,"...I remembered where I'd left my bicycle.


Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's George Washington's clock. The hands have moved once, telling us that the founding father only told one lie in his entire life, apparently he didn't cut down the cherry tree."

Pointing the man said, "What about that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Trunp's clock?" asked the man.

"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 09, 2017, 01:04:32 AM
Quote from: Father Bruno on October 08, 2017, 09:16:09 PM
"...He's using it as a ceiling fan."
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2017, 10:24:06 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/22366564_1489078184510006_8050592674804943513_n.jpg?oh=8db0a33593814f74accd04408ba0369c&oe=5A440E08)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on October 13, 2017, 03:45:42 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 14, 2017, 12:07:15 AM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/22448301_1379815082131096_6201257790126535409_n.jpg?oh=96ebf63caa59a943f4ee5b9f86a76dfc&oe=5A7329CB)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 17, 2017, 02:08:09 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 14, 2017, 12:07:15 AM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/22448301_1379815082131096_6201257790126535409_n.jpg?oh=96ebf63caa59a943f4ee5b9f86a76dfc&oe=5A7329CB)

Now that's funny xSP! ;)
:rofl:



Last week during a trial here in northern Michigan the small town prosecuting attorney called onto the stand his first witness, an elderly woman named Mrs. Mayette who was a long time resident of the town.

"Good Morning Mrs Mayette, you know who I am don't you", he asked?

"Why yes, I do know you Mr. Marsh", she replied. "In fact I've known you since you were a little boy, and to be frank you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you talk about people behind their backs, and manipulate them to suit your needs. You walk around this town like you are a big shot, and expect and act as if everyone should cater to your every whim, but you haven't got the brains to realize that you'll never amount to nothing more than a two-bit paper pusher".

"Yes I know you".


Mr. Marsh, along with the entire courtroom was stunned into silence, not knowing what else to say he cleared his throat, pointed across the room at the defense attorney and ask her, "Mrs. Mayette you also familiar with the defensive attorney Mr. Damour, are you not"?

Nodding her head in affirmation she replied, "Why yes I've known Mr. Damour since he was a small child, in fact I used to babysit him while his poor single mother worked two jobs to support him and his brother. Now she sits all alone at the senior home with only myself and some of the other church ladies visiting her because Mr. Damour is too busy running around cheating on his wife with multiple women. He's also bigoted, lazy and has a horrible drinking problem. His practice is one of the worst in the state, certainly in this town. In fact Mr. Marsh, one of the ladies he is currently having an affair with is your wife."

"Yes I know him".

Again the entire courtroom was stunned into a complete and uncomfortable silence,...finally the judge cleared his throat and asked both counselors to approach the bench.

Leaning forward across the bench he quietly yet firmly whispered, "If either of you morons ask her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair"!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 22, 2017, 10:02:53 PM
A statistician gave birth to twins. She had one baptised but kept the other as a control.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on October 23, 2017, 01:40:41 AM
Not a straight up joke with a punch line but I thought it to be funny.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfFJ7R8pDs
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 23, 2017, 03:38:16 AM
^^^
That's funny.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on October 23, 2017, 06:12:03 AM
Quote from: Icarus on October 23, 2017, 01:40:41 AM
Not a straight up joke with a punch line but I thought it to be funny.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfFJ7R8pDs

Love that last bit! A right cock up.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 23, 2017, 09:28:32 PM
Quote from: Icarus on October 23, 2017, 01:40:41 AM
Not a straight up joke with a punch line but I thought it to be funny.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfFJ7R8pDs

Well there was a punchline of sorts at the end when they missed out adjectival profanities. It was ridiculously funny.😂
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 27, 2017, 06:31:39 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/RVByGZS.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on November 06, 2017, 08:49:16 PM
When I was in education I was determined to learn everything, science, philosophy, art, languages etc. Trouble was I suffered from terrible dyslexia.

So now I am a fully qualified gollypot and mollypath.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on November 16, 2017, 09:12:53 AM
On London's Speakers' Corner the aspiring politician was trying to overcome the hecklers.

"Please, please," he shouted, "I can't even hear myself above your shouting!"

As the noise reduced a little one voice was heard above the rest, "Don't worry mate, you're not missing anything worth listening to."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 20, 2017, 12:18:22 PM
"I have one good and one bad bit of news for all you faithful viewers out there!" said the Televangelist to the camera.
"The good news is that we have enough money to build our new Worship Centre!
The bad news, on the other hand, is that it's still in your pockets..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on November 22, 2017, 04:54:24 PM
Jimmy was a true patriot and was so pleased to find some coloured condoms in red, white and blue. So he bought a pack and took them home.

Some time later his wife, Tilly, was shopping for clothes. The assistant approached and asked what she was looking for.

"Maternity wear," replied Tilly.

"What bust, madam?"

"The blue one."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on November 25, 2017, 05:37:13 PM
A priest drives a nun to an appointment. On the way, the priest puts his hand on the nuns thigh. The nun quickly relays a book, chapter and verse from the bible. The priest immediately removes his hand.

On the way back the priest try's it again, and again the nun relays that biblical reference.

Upon returning the priest looked up that verse which read, "Take courage and reach higher into glory!"

------------------------------------------------

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!  What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning and have sex. and then it's off to the golf course for breakfast. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, you'd be proud -- I'm eating lots of greens.  Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. Then it's supper.  After that it's more sex, then back home for yet more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob!  Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 26, 2017, 02:23:50 AM
^  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on December 01, 2017, 12:53:20 PM
the meaning of life
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life... you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, the ten dog gave back, and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 01, 2017, 11:57:59 PM
^ :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Lark on December 02, 2017, 11:14:01 AM
I don't like the new UK £1 coin much,  but then, I do not like change
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on December 02, 2017, 08:52:41 PM
Fella walks into a bar with a penguin on a string. "Why've you got a penguin on a string?" asked the barman.

"Found him wandering around in the road, thought he wasn't safe."

"You should take him to the zoo," suggested the barman.

"OK, I'll do that."

Next evening in walks the man, still with penguin in tow.

"Thought you were going to take it to the zoo!" exclaimed the barman.

"Oh, I did and we thoroughly enjoyed the trip. I'm taking him to the movies tomorrow."

--------------------------

Fella walks into a pub dragging a chain behind him. 

The barman says, "Why are you dragging that chain?" and the man says, "Because it's easier than pushing it."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 10, 2017, 10:46:27 AM
The second one falls into the 'so bad it's good' category Dave.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on December 10, 2017, 11:29:20 AM
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student`s immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, `What about extreme sexual exhaustion?`
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, `You can write with your other hand.`
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 10, 2017, 03:30:08 PM
 ;D :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on December 13, 2017, 06:21:55 PM
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on December 15, 2017, 12:11:53 PM
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"

Suzie replied, "...Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs".

The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'O God, I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 15, 2017, 07:07:38 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 19, 2017, 01:20:41 PM
I bought a Porn DVD today and put it in the DVD player.
But all I saw was some guy sitting on a sofa holding his dick...

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on December 21, 2017, 07:59:02 AM
Ooooh! You're all awful, but I like you😉
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 11, 2018, 08:32:10 PM
My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


And the worst of the worst:

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on January 11, 2018, 08:55:10 PM
An old man who got pulled over for speeding.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Old man: I have no idea.

Officer: You were speeding. Please hand over your license and registration.

Old man: Oh, well I don't have my registration.

Officer: Why not?

Old man: Because I stole the car. Also, I think I should tell you that there is a gun in the glove box.

Officer: You stole the car and you have a gun?

Old man: Yes. Also, I should probably tell you that there's a dead body in the trunk.

The officer calls for back up and handcuffs the old man and puts him into the back of the squad car. Another officer comes by and searches the old man's car then walks back to the old man.

Officer 2: The other officer told me that you stole the car, had a handgun, and a dead body in the trunk.

Old man: Did he?

Officer 2: But I looked through the glove box and found the registration showing that the car is registered to you, but no handgun. Also, there was no sign of any dead body in the trunk.

Old man: Let me guess, that liar also said I was speeding.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 11, 2018, 09:04:35 PM
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on January 26, 2018, 05:33:31 PM
(https://scontent-frx5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/26733508_1610836558996655_2026798867367492230_n.jpg?oh=59751ef81fe72d29d681eb1137325010&oe=5AE70EDD)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on January 26, 2018, 08:29:54 PM
No signal from Trump's brain to his lips.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on January 28, 2018, 06:24:57 PM
The word "nothing" is a palindrome.

"Nothing" backwards is "gnihton".

Which also means nothing....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on January 29, 2018, 06:44:35 PM
That reminds me of the word that is always spelled wrong.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on February 04, 2018, 11:10:57 AM
Quote from: Heisenberg on November 10, 2011, 04:03:29 AM
Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.

I think that's very good, or maybe 'so bad it's good' :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on February 04, 2018, 11:14:35 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on January 11, 2018, 08:32:10 PM
My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.


And the worst of the worst:

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

The world would be a sadder place if we didn't have these to groan at. Keep'em coming.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on February 04, 2018, 12:22:22 PM
Why can't lifeguards save hippies?




Because they're too far out, man.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on February 04, 2018, 06:54:41 PM
Grooooan ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 05, 2018, 04:36:10 PM
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?


A small medium at large!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on February 05, 2018, 05:10:34 PM
I refer you to Essie's response.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 05, 2018, 10:06:34 PM
The toilet bomber struck at the police station. Police say they have nothing to go on.
He's also bombed the prison toilets. Prisoners have been seen going over the wall.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 06, 2018, 08:06:52 AM
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRiNywY3z0Qya-08uhswE_Nv8NQN1wg5kdudnhROLWIzL2ARw)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 06, 2018, 08:13:11 AM
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTVQobjXAKq4K6sd9-PAyW-uk-XLmhaba0lV7xZWm0HkfxsSA)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 20, 2018, 10:51:02 PM
^ :snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on February 21, 2018, 03:58:12 AM
Did you hear about that prisoner with the stutter?




He died before he could finish his sentence.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 22, 2018, 04:14:28 PM
In the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. "I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark." Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-man-eater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian


Frog goes into a bank looking to get a mortgage. He sits down at the loan officer's desk and reads her name plate, 'Patty Black'.

He explains why he has come to the bank and Patty asks him what he has to offer as collateral. "What's collateral?", asks Frog. She explains, "That's something of value you offer the bank to keep in case you cannot repay the money."

The frog thinks for a moment, then he reaches in his pocket and produces a little giraffe figurine made of marble.

Ms. Black looks confused for a minute but she does not want to be rude. She picks up the little giraffe and excuses herself to speak to the manager.

She explains to the manager that Frog has come to the bank looking for a mortgage and offers this small giraffe as collateral. She continues, "but I'm not really sure what it is." The bank manager looks at her confidently, leans back in his chair and says, "Why that's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 22, 2018, 04:30:33 PM
^^
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
:snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 08, 2018, 09:23:52 PM
Ooh! Ooooh! I've got a good one!  :computerwave:

A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".


:grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on March 08, 2018, 09:30:48 PM
:spock:

:picard facepalm:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on March 09, 2018, 03:55:25 AM
 :sidesmile:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 10, 2018, 02:25:29 PM
It reminds me a bit of what a professor said to a student during an undergraduate biophysics class on solubility. One student said that keratin (that makes up nails, hair and even the outer layer of skin) was soluble in water, to which the professor replied, 'I would hope not! Otherwise you would keep as far away from water as possible!'

(real story)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on March 10, 2018, 02:46:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on March 10, 2018, 02:25:29 PM
It reminds me a bit of what a professor said to a student during an undergraduate biophysics class on solubility. One student said that keratin (that makes up nails, hair and even the outer layer of skin) was soluble in water, to which the professor replied, 'I would hope not! Otherwise you would keep as far away from water as possible!'

(real story)

Duh!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 13, 2018, 05:47:34 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29178860_222022918537595_4439083257089987080_n.jpg?oh=d8882bb994c6f82623cd1a547e95735d&oe=5B2F472B)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 13, 2018, 05:48:49 PM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 15, 2018, 01:30:46 AM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29062674_291865038010004_6709749011055640576_n.jpg?oh=01d9d6009bd70307f6ab79e2803bea23&oe=5B47B74B)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 16, 2018, 02:06:24 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29243747_2041804869181554_4089193716336558080_n.jpg?_nc_eui2=v1%3AAeH76EOZrx41sACcQTMnZTta9vk_9BCd88znd2lX1nQz_-mq7dAUCcn5y34-cztOBnPttE1efuNjn44YJvBIWkKctCAAvZpnPWoz4sJgW6Dvjg&oh=b259b7e9a023eb4c9c226da4bcdd74e0&oe=5B38A896)

(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29244243_1860900250595391_8487380943454076928_n.png?_nc_eui2=v1%3AAeGIIlrVvyee-CM86p9d77V95AI9fS1qBCmBTPxv-yTSe1_p7apfw40LSzc3FY5MPOInWEKArosCwS17DUJ0ZMFx5CSCrPRHPhHITqzqqtO_rQ&oh=d1e0e2b0964e32d1355fe55248f97433&oe=5B39B7F2)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 16, 2018, 04:01:40 PM
Someone posted this on Facebook:

Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 16, 2018, 04:05:04 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on March 16, 2018, 04:01:40 PM
Someone posted this on Facebook:

Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.
Stolan
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 16, 2018, 08:23:37 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29216259_1241177332652231_2211115860527939584_n.jpg?oh=f789603795f0fceaa257a97a50757a04&oe=5B3EADA5)

(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29217083_1241704305932867_1423848986531332096_n.jpg?oh=7c2adfb6a4c5f221174d0c97605ab4a7&oe=5B323C44)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 16, 2018, 08:24:37 PM
Quote from: Tank on March 16, 2018, 04:05:04 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on March 16, 2018, 04:01:40 PM
Someone posted this on Facebook:

Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.
Stolan

:snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on March 17, 2018, 11:00:29 PM
They were doing a sexual behaviour survey in Gloucedter, in private booths inside the Guildhall. Seems there were some interesting answers.

One oldish chap, on admitting that he was still active, was asked if he practiced safe-sex.

"Of course!" he replied.

"What precautions do you take?"

"Got padded guard rails all round the bed."


Another was a woman, looked like a farmer's wife, big lady, sensible tweed clothes, scarf, wellie boots etc. She was asked if they used contraception.

"Yes," was the reply.

"What method do you use?"

"Biscuit tin."

"Er, biscuit tin?"

"Yes, my hubby be six inches shorter than I and we always makes love standing up, so he stands on a biscuit tin. When I sees his face go red I kicks the tin away."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on March 17, 2018, 11:31:29 PM
Why do Canadians do it doggie style?




So they both can both watch the hockey game.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 24, 2018, 04:08:31 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/l/t1.0-9/29425779_10155318345730233_7142690982645996924_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=v1%3AAeEJ8UzXBtdAOaU1ReKDWnARD8qqDr0mtgzJPUv21ZnXor2swejLQ6p0SPJvGJUuBM8VaJWpKMiSJQFIbEj6RDYGrTJYHBgOCMG4q0KxJIba-A&oh=e920874f9281fa464327d74526a54ede&oe=5B39A42A)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 28, 2018, 05:32:18 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/5eZcSL0.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on March 28, 2018, 06:09:40 PM
^ :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 01, 2018, 10:52:28 AM
An original joke made up by me this morning.

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar.

The atheist barman says.

"Hey guys. If you can give me any evidence that your god exists the drinks are on me!"

The Christian, the Muslim and the Jew look at each other and sigh

The Jew asks "Who's getting the first round in?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 01, 2018, 01:42:01 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 01, 2018, 10:52:28 AM
An original joke made up by me this morning.

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar.

The atheist barman says.

"Hey guys. If you can give me any evidence that your god exists the drinks are on me!"

The Christian, the Muslim and the Jew look at each other and sigh

The Jew asks "Who's getting the first round in?"
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on April 01, 2018, 01:51:39 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 01, 2018, 10:52:28 AM
An original joke made up by me this morning.

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar.

The atheist barman says.

"Hey guys. If you can give me any evidence that your god exists the drinks are on me!"

The Christian, the Muslim and the Jew look at each other and sigh

The Jew asks "Who's getting the first round in?"

Like it! Stolen.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bad Penny II on April 01, 2018, 02:16:57 PM
Quote from: Dave on April 01, 2018, 01:51:39 PM
Quote from: Tank on April 01, 2018, 10:52:28 AM
An original joke made up by me this morning.

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar.

The atheist barman says.

"Hey guys. If you can give me any evidence that your god exists the drinks are on me!"

The Christian, the Muslim and the Jew look at each other and sigh

The Jew asks "Who's getting the first round in?"

Like it! Stolen.

So are the believers conceding they've got nothing and buying?
That's a bit self serving isn't it?
They don't concede that easy usually.
I must be missing something very obvious.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 03, 2018, 02:29:31 AM
How many men's rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None,... they still use gaslighting!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 08, 2018, 03:42:55 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30412506_10215932031204536_1532338738631021722_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=v1%3AAeEb7BOUGxK_SM6l35jOmsmWcZaI61XcH2gaU6L-KVlwOH0UbpCPTXeifmBxxZsNbhzTnh767IMhkTsMELAn0igqlesi5c5lRGcFgBNqKrlhPA&oh=46c28007b625fad838b5654f9eac2b38&oe=5B5E4CA9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on April 08, 2018, 04:02:45 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 09, 2018, 02:08:57 AM
^^  :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 10, 2018, 01:42:15 AM
Time for a really bad joke. :grin:

(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30515648_1781300928595855_6880926591811320509_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=v1%3AAeFBTVmHmkHBTJcFoLv-1_SMDOhXMFf72B76dYLeu6P_elTWiXOCFZE9C9cq7MggJuf1yHbuaQxXmh1TKsulKuVT3vMV_B2sBhxEO5aBMUjWoQ&oh=bacf18517f21553044991040d0204dda&oe=5B6FFBAB)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 10, 2018, 04:40:14 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/eh0w7Jo.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 12, 2018, 02:11:32 PM
Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?



His boxers fit like a glove.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 12, 2018, 02:14:31 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 15, 2018, 02:58:39 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30724496_2135236046707140_3778863225186025472_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=2afc78cf7a7fe50aa966876700993d0a&oe=5B53536E)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 15, 2018, 04:15:40 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30738497_10211844909379951_8020608308656209920_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=v1%3AAeF3RRJq5aF4K_qa1YW-AU2_-226IYVFtzUFxr8vrUhURYQTNV4w0rFGiDloL-u7Wh8gbbTwMg4E3Inbjcj__MRlcHCzL43UlkEjCUyVNlUrhQ&oh=4929b273510b5f2ea48885e573ab4658&oe=5B59C347)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 16, 2018, 01:05:34 AM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30709865_923613654477021_6511432233536441795_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=v1%3AAeHCqWuMTYNmyMUWuDBD7izKWqGy_Kt9-qgZiEMKQt03MKdi5LZvrADuLIjcb3QQ-0niU-XdFf97xxKZmzRHAuD5MtBSa-QOYxvhZQGRQgJTWQ&oh=fa9efaf72a7108be1f0ec681af07c772&oe=5B605534)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 17, 2018, 05:37:30 PM
Some SJW craziness:  "I'm offended by my shadow, because it is black and that is cultural appropriation" (TJ Kirk)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on April 17, 2018, 05:43:44 PM
Some Russian political humor.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_political_jokes

A man was reported to have said: "Nikolay is a moron!" and was arrested by a policeman. "No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor, but another Nikolay!" - "Don't try to trick me: if you say moron, you are obviously referring to our tsar!"

And

The winter's passed,
The summer's here.
For this we thank
Our party dear!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 08, 2018, 04:25:18 PM
(https://scontent-frt3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32159590_1244530799015762_2584680824464998400_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=2973ddb304f989e8eb15f53d38addeaf&oe=5B561626)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 18, 2018, 08:33:36 PM
If anyone tells you they intend to have a vigorous love-life until the day they die, you should hold eye contact, smile really big, and say, "Nah, mate. Longer than that."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on May 18, 2018, 09:05:40 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 18, 2018, 08:33:36 PM
If anyone tells you they intend to have a vigorous love-life until the day they die, you should hold eye contact, smile really big, and say, "Nah, mate. Longer than that."

Necrophilia is dead boring!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on May 19, 2018, 05:18:44 AM
Quote from: Dave on May 18, 2018, 09:05:40 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 18, 2018, 08:33:36 PM
If anyone tells you they intend to have a vigorous love-life until the day they die, you should hold eye contact, smile really big, and say, "Nah, mate. Longer than that."

Necrophilia is dead boring!

You can't stop me. I will die doing what I love.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on June 05, 2018, 07:14:06 PM
Don't let them take your cat for a Wok.
(https://scontent-frt3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/34307605_1759631764117133_999677419377917952_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=3dc8fef1e36b8b3ac7da5d2700315241&oe=5BB6080D)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on June 15, 2018, 10:41:27 AM
The truth - and how to use it.

The skipper and first mate had crewed together, in a sort of mutual love/hate relationship, for 32 years. In port one of them always remained on duty on the little tramp steamer when the other went ashore.

It was the first mate's turn for shore leave. He was a moderate and responsible drinker and had not been drunk for years. However, he met two very old and once very close friends in the pub and got well into reminiscing. Unbeknown, and unnoticed, one of the friend's started getting doubles for them all. Consequently the mate got somewhat more than three sheets to the wind.

On returning to the ship the skipper was furious, "I will record it in the log that you returned from shore drunk!"

"Aw, c'mon, Skipper, this is the first time in 32 years!" responded the mate.

"So what, it is still the truth and as such must be recorded in the log!"

Unhappy the mate wondered how to repay the Skipper's obduracy.

So, when the Skipper returned the next night the mate wrote in the log, "The captain returned sober."

The Skipper exploded, "I have never, ever returned drunk to this ship!"

"Then," replied the mate, "what I have written in the log is the verifiable truth."




Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on June 18, 2018, 01:17:57 AM
(https://78.media.tumblr.com/90a8023bfebc82b79dca43fa948493ca/tumblr_p2ps0hUDqU1v3vhp5o1_1280.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Arturo on June 18, 2018, 01:29:34 AM
(https://media0dk-a.akamaihd.net/57/11/9d1e806fa4ad408ef72561c23e56fa10.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 04, 2018, 04:29:06 AM
Yuck but here it is ...........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDYCHZNG6Nk
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on July 04, 2018, 07:28:41 AM
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.

(Sorry)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on July 04, 2018, 08:08:07 AM
Quote from: Icarus on July 04, 2018, 04:29:06 AM
Yuck but here it is ...........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDYCHZNG6Nk

:snicker1:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 03, 2018, 10:43:09 AM
(https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37966917_10215860884527474_6440040402195054592_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=bff98022f992a8b5d87410ccda891826&oe=5BD12E9B)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bluenose on August 03, 2018, 11:06:48 AM
A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says:

"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint." "Come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala and they enjoy a large doobie.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard:

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the koala, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to see this.

So they walk into the rain forest and find the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint.

He looks up and says, "Hey you!"

The koala looks down at him and says...

"Fu-u-u-u-c-c-k, Dude....... How much water did you drink?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 03, 2018, 11:32:02 AM
 :rofl:   :thumbsup2:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 03, 2018, 12:16:59 PM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on August 03, 2018, 09:23:20 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 03, 2018, 10:43:09 AM
(https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37966917_10215860884527474_6440040402195054592_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=bff98022f992a8b5d87410ccda891826&oe=5BD12E9B)

I've taken that exit many times...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 03, 2018, 09:30:53 PM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 06, 2018, 03:25:45 PM
OK, here goes a Pom trying to tell an Aussie joke:

Jimmo was a bush guide, taking bunches of city types out in the outback. He would show them that even parched looking places could supply food, how to hide from the sun and, if met, what to avoid.

At about midday one of the clients, who's watch had given up in the heat, asked him what the tine was. Jimmo took off his hat, held it up and said, "Twenty to twelve." Another client, having glanced at his watch, said, "Blimey, that's dead on, do you use your hat to measure the Sun's angle?"

"Naw," replied Jimmo, "I don't like me watch on me wrist, it catches on things, so I sewed it inside me hat - always got that near me."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 17, 2018, 09:35:27 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/hHEnKVv.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on August 17, 2018, 09:55:54 PM
Quote from: Fireball on August 17, 2018, 09:35:27 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/hHEnKVv.jpg)

Oh, dear, I always drink black coffee . . .

Not an "Americano",  just a black coffee please.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 18, 2018, 01:02:59 AM
 :lol:

I thought it was kind of amusing. I'm not really that cranky until I've had my coffee in the morning...said no wife ever. j/k, I've been married to the same gal for 37 years. I discovered International Delight Hazelnut Creamer back in about '01. That stuff is soooo good! But it was like crack! I found myself driving to various stores to get it, because I only liked that flavor. 6 AM, driving from store to store, to score it. I finally just went and quit cold turkey. Nothing owns me like that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bluenose on August 18, 2018, 02:14:12 AM
Quote from: Dave on August 06, 2018, 03:25:45 PM
OK, here goes a Pom trying to tell an Aussie joke:

Jimmo was a bush guide, taking bunches of city types out in the outback. He would show them that even parched looking places could supply food, how to hide from the sun and, if met, what to avoid.

At about midday one of the clients, who's watch had given up in the heat, asked him what the tine was. Jimmo took off his hat, held it up and said, "Twenty to twelve." Another client, having glanced at his watch, said, "Blimey, that's dead on, do you use your hat to measure the Sun's angle?"

"Naw," replied Jimmo, "I don't like me watch on me wrist, it catches on things, so I sewed it inside me hat - always got that near me."

Translated into correct Aussie lingo (LOL):

Jacko was a fair dinkum bushie that took mobs of townies out bush.  He showed them how to get bush tucker even if it was as dry as a dead dingo's donga, how to  keep out of the heat and how to avoid getting bushwhacked.

At about noon one day, one of the townies, whose cheap two-bob watch had karked it in the heat, asked him the time.  Jacko took off his beaten up old slouch hat held it up and said "twenty to twelve". Another of the townies, having glanced at his watch, said, "Crikey, that's dead set right on, do you use your hat to measure the Sun's angle?"

"Yeah, Nah," replied Jacko, "I don't like me watch on me wrist, it catches on things, so I sewed it inside me hat - always got that near me."


I liked the original, but I just couldn't help myself. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 20, 2018, 04:31:42 AM
Thanks for the accurate translation Blue.  For we yanks it is humorous, but it must be dead serious for authentic Aussies.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bluenose on August 20, 2018, 07:40:02 AM
Quote from: Icarus on August 20, 2018, 04:31:42 AM
Thanks for the accurate translation Blue.  For we yanks it is humorous, but it must be dead serious for authentic Aussies.

Actually, I just like playing it up for the amusement of myself and hopefully others here.

I don't really speak like that, but don't tell anyone, OK?  Otherwise |'ll just have to sic the drop-bears on yous all...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bluenose on August 20, 2018, 01:13:06 PM
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmers paddock. The old farmer went to investigate, shook his head sadly and proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local cop came out to investigate and the old farmer explained what had happened. The cop shook his head sadly and asked "were they ALL dead?, prompting the old farmer to reply - "Well some of them said they weren't but you know how them politicians lie"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 21, 2018, 12:28:29 AM
^  :picard facepalm:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 11, 2018, 07:48:23 AM
(https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/41447910_10155411691751619_9103901809210032128_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeGSrT4NWFPFMEUI116wETJefTydwPvmJ26FZMNyrnpiHEmgzv-reSmg1a6Xv3GHoyg1fqiPrLe5ABvFliJzXI0V8f5eZwLSSE8URPgUH1EJdg&oh=03ca5ee0bac625521af25dd4bdc5a8cc&oe=5C1D39DC)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on September 11, 2018, 03:07:10 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/CwWqsFB.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on September 19, 2018, 03:02:10 AM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42096557_2004639636261982_7075673803698733056_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&oh=4accc53ab3a7e8488be7fec5c5d16d3b&oe=5C345991)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on September 22, 2018, 04:04:08 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42409334_2009397275786218_4414035725159235584_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&oh=0deeb194b091653fefed7e2b77c0020b&oe=5C19C100)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dave on September 22, 2018, 04:53:19 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on September 22, 2018, 04:04:08 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42409334_2009397275786218_4414035725159235584_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&oh=0deeb194b091653fefed7e2b77c0020b&oe=5C19C100)

Oh, yeuk!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 25, 2018, 06:22:06 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42508310_10161659113045377_2153577214455578624_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&oh=e58d1f7b5bc1c389886830206693b5bc&oe=5C210EA3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on September 25, 2018, 07:51:25 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 25, 2018, 06:22:06 AM
(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42508310_10161659113045377_2153577214455578624_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&oh=e58d1f7b5bc1c389886830206693b5bc&oe=5C210EA3)

:picard facepalm: :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 19, 2018, 07:57:19 AM
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 31, 2018, 02:14:49 PM
A friend sent this to Mr M. You clever HAFers might anticipate the punchline.

Woman gives birth to triplets.

"WTF! How did that happen?" her husband shouted.

His wife replied, "Well you know we ran  out of Vaseline and you used 3-in-one ........".

"Bejeez" he said, "Thank god I didn't use WD40".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on October 31, 2018, 09:43:52 PM
^ ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on November 01, 2018, 01:42:15 AM
^^ My wife enjoyed that one!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on November 19, 2018, 11:24:21 PM
A FB friend sent me this today.

Three men died just before Christmas.
St Peter said they could only come in if they had something to do with Christmas on them.
The first man flicked his lighter on and said, 'This is a candle'.
'Come in', said St Peter.
The second man jingled his keys and said, 'These are sleigh bells'.
'Come in', said St Peter.
The third man pulled out a thong and a bra.
'What have these to do with Christmas?' asked St Peter.
'They're Carol's'.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 20, 2018, 01:00:45 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on November 19, 2018, 11:24:21 PM
A FB friend sent me this today.

Three men died just before Christmas.
St Peter said they could only come in if they had something to do with Christmas on them.
The first man flicked his lighter on and said, 'This is a candle'.
'Come in', said St Peter.
The second man jingled his keys and said, 'These are sleigh bells'.
'Come in', said St Peter.
The third man pulled out a thong and a bra.
'What have these to do with Christmas?' asked St Peter.
'They're Carol's'.

;D :o :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 18, 2018, 09:09:10 AM
Just whizzed this up. How many have you read in the last year?

(https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48416014_2110338792349944_6457009014822666240_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=ca227b9477551a1f7e9ad0437ef92527&oe=5C943DFB)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on December 18, 2018, 03:28:27 PM
Every stinking one of 'em. It's everywhere.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 18, 2018, 05:33:01 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 18, 2018, 03:28:27 PM
Every stinking one of 'em. It's everywhere.

:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on December 18, 2018, 06:53:16 PM
An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?

The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."

"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."

The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 18, 2018, 08:06:26 PM
Quote from: No one on December 18, 2018, 06:53:16 PM
An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?

The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."

"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."

The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

That's a good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on December 18, 2018, 08:12:20 PM
This is funny, but maybe doesn't belong here. In any event, have a look. I laughed so hard I cried at this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=xoxhDk-hwuo
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 18, 2018, 10:01:02 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 18, 2018, 08:12:20 PM
This is funny, but maybe doesn't belong here. In any event, have a look. I laughed so hard I cried at this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=xoxhDk-hwuo

Watched it earlier... He's definitely an engineer! (thieving thieves got off easy!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 18, 2018, 11:09:11 PM
Quote from: Sherman Firefly on December 18, 2018, 09:09:10 AM
Just whizzed this up. How many have you read in the last year?

(https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48416014_2110338792349944_6457009014822666240_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=ca227b9477551a1f7e9ad0437ef92527&oe=5C943DFB)

Thankfully, as far as those gems are concerned, my year has been bullshit-free. :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 18, 2018, 11:19:04 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 18, 2018, 08:12:20 PM
This is funny, but maybe doesn't belong here. In any event, have a look. I laughed so hard I cried at this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=xoxhDk-hwuo

:rofl:

"OH HELLLLL NAAAAWWWWWW!" :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 19, 2018, 02:21:27 AM
The Porch pirate  vid is a hoot.  This is the time of year when those bastards follow UPS and Fed Ex trucks. They then .....not the trucks, the porch pirates, grab and run with the packages.  It must be like Christmas or Forest Gump's chocolate box to the thieves who have no idea what is in the packages. 

I sold my business and all the goodies that I had collected in the many years that I was in business. The goodies included such stuff as micro switches, proximity detectors, solenoids, and various other doo dads that could have been used to fuck up the porch pirates big time.  I had been an engineer who designed and built control systems for various machines such as printing equipment.  I regret that I no longer have those bits and pieces to foil the thieves.

My wife is a power E bay seller who has anywhere from 10 to 30 packages to ship via US postal service every day.  We put the USPS bins and the packaged items on our porch. The mail carrier picks them every working day. .  I have been a bit paranoid about the possibility of having some scum bag steal the USPS package bins with all those smaller packages.   SO far we have had no thievery and that has been several years.   Nonetheless I wish to hell that I had kept some of the gadgetry that I had a few years back.  I would not have had the brilliance of the guy in the video but I could have made life miserable for any of the  porch pirates.

Meanwhile I will have to be ever vigilant during this season of package plenty.  Aside from that I am much appreciative of the inventiveness of the wizard in the vid.  The fart spray thing is particularly clever.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on December 19, 2018, 02:50:30 AM
While it seemed to work well, I personally don't have enough cash flow to put 4 cell phones into some gadget, even above the other development work. Flypaper on the box is in my price range. I loved the fart spray and glitter, though!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 19, 2018, 12:48:01 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 19, 2018, 02:50:30 AM
While it seemed to work well, I personally don't have enough cash flow to put 4 cell phones into some gadget, even above the other development work. Flypaper on the box is in my price range. I loved the fart spray and glitter, though!

Since in Portuguese "ladrão de merda" means lousy or incompetent thief (literally shit thief but without the derogatory homosexual connotations) or shit stealer, I would collect some fresh dog poop, put it in a sealed box along with a message that reads: Ladrão de merda!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on December 19, 2018, 02:50:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on December 19, 2018, 12:48:01 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 19, 2018, 02:50:30 AM
While it seemed to work well, I personally don't have enough cash flow to put 4 cell phones into some gadget, even above the other development work. Flypaper on the box is in my price range. I loved the fart spray and glitter, though!

Since in Portuguese "ladrão de merda" means lousy or incompetent thief (literally shit thief but without the derogatory homosexual connotations) or shit stealer, I would collect some fresh dog poop, put it in a sealed box along with a message that reads: Ladrão de merda!

Maybe make the box so that once it is open, that it's really hard to get closed. That way they get more of the "bouquet".  :point&giggle:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 19, 2018, 03:02:50 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 19, 2018, 02:50:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on December 19, 2018, 12:48:01 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 19, 2018, 02:50:30 AM
While it seemed to work well, I personally don't have enough cash flow to put 4 cell phones into some gadget, even above the other development work. Flypaper on the box is in my price range. I loved the fart spray and glitter, though!

Since in Portuguese "ladrão de merda" means lousy or incompetent thief (literally shit thief but without the derogatory homosexual connotations) or shit stealer, I would collect some fresh dog poop, put it in a sealed box along with a message that reads: Ladrão de merda!

Maybe make the box so that once it is open, that it's really hard to get closed. That way they get more of the "bouquet".  :point&giggle:

I like the way your mind works, DL. Positively evil! :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on December 19, 2018, 07:06:57 PM
 :puppysnicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 22, 2018, 05:35:07 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on December 19, 2018, 12:48:01 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 19, 2018, 02:50:30 AM
While it seemed to work well, I personally don't have enough cash flow to put 4 cell phones into some gadget, even above the other development work. Flypaper on the box is in my price range. I loved the fart spray and glitter, though!

Since in Portuguese "ladrão de merda" means lousy or incompetent thief (literally shit thief but without the derogatory homosexual connotations) or shit stealer, I would collect some fresh dog poop, put it in a sealed box along with a message that reads: Ladrão de merda!
Add a firecracker to really spread the shit around.  8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 23, 2018, 10:39:11 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on December 22, 2018, 05:35:07 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on December 19, 2018, 12:48:01 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 19, 2018, 02:50:30 AM
While it seemed to work well, I personally don't have enough cash flow to put 4 cell phones into some gadget, even above the other development work. Flypaper on the box is in my price range. I loved the fart spray and glitter, though!

Since in Portuguese "ladrão de merda" means lousy or incompetent thief (literally shit thief but without the derogatory homosexual connotations) or shit stealer, I would collect some fresh dog poop, put it in a sealed box along with a message that reads: Ladrão de merda!
Add a firecracker to really spread the shit around.  8)

That's good, G85, really good!  :devil:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on December 24, 2018, 10:18:33 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on December 22, 2018, 05:35:07 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on December 19, 2018, 12:48:01 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on December 19, 2018, 02:50:30 AM
While it seemed to work well, I personally don't have enough cash flow to put 4 cell phones into some gadget, even above the other development work. Flypaper on the box is in my price range. I loved the fart spray and glitter, though!

Since in Portuguese "ladrão de merda" means lousy or incompetent thief (literally shit thief but without the derogatory homosexual connotations) or shit stealer, I would collect some fresh dog poop, put it in a sealed box along with a message that reads: Ladrão de merda!
Add a firecracker to really spread the shit around.  8)

That's nasty, but a fitting punishment!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on January 03, 2019, 11:13:09 PM
Sorry in advance: more from the 'so bad they're good' class

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon and said, "Verily I say unto you that the path to the Lord lies at y = x squared - 4x + 2."
"What does he mean?" one of the flock asked Peter.
"Don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas."

It gets worse from here; real Christmas cracker territory.

Surgeon: Nurse! have so many patients. Who shall I work on first?
Nurse: Simple: use the order of operations.

Why don't calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.

Helvetia and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
"Get out!" shouted the barman, "We don't serve your type in here."

Did you hear about the mathematician who's so afraid of negative numbers he'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A man says to his doctor, "Help, I'm addicted to Twitter."
Dr replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on January 03, 2019, 11:28:29 PM
What to gay horses eat?










Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 09, 2019, 08:26:48 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/49704152_2318834465013963_7189740399844392960_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa13-1.fna&oh=2c3c8a5341aafc08ef630aaa78dcce77&oe=5CC9EF39)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 09, 2019, 08:37:51 PM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 10, 2019, 03:59:01 PM
Anyone got some good one-liners?

"I really hate Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves."

"My father has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo."

"A guy walks into a bar. Ouch!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on January 10, 2019, 08:30:28 PM
A termite walks into a pub, says, "Tell me, where is the bartender?".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on January 13, 2019, 11:37:19 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on January 10, 2019, 08:30:28 PM
A termite walks into a pub, says, "Tell me, where is the bartender?".
Quote from: Dark Lightning on January 10, 2019, 08:30:28 PM
A termite walks into a pub, says, "Tell me, where is the bartender?".

It took me a while ......... :-)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 15, 2019, 03:07:07 PM
Child. Spits out food.
Mother. Don't do that if it's in your mouth you eat it not spit it out!
Father. *raises eyebrows*
Mother. Shut the fuck up you!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 15, 2019, 09:57:12 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 15, 2019, 03:07:07 PM
Child. Spits out food.
Mother. Don't do that if it's in your mouth you eat it not spit it out!
Father. *raises eyebrows*
Mother. Shut the fuck up you!

(https://media1.tenor.com/images/d4fcef5b4ea23f92be1cb489d772c5e2/tenor.gif?itemid=6098649)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 16, 2019, 01:55:35 AM
^ gross!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on March 06, 2019, 01:06:16 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/aWlOntd.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 06, 2019, 02:26:56 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on March 06, 2019, 01:06:16 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/aWlOntd.jpg)

:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 06, 2019, 11:50:32 PM
The Bard of Avon was a most inventive and loquacious one.   :cheersfortwo:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 07, 2019, 02:24:28 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on March 06, 2019, 01:06:16 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/aWlOntd.jpg)

Stolen for future use. :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on March 07, 2019, 03:04:06 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on March 07, 2019, 02:24:28 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on March 06, 2019, 01:06:16 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/aWlOntd.jpg)

Stolen for future use. :grin:

:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 08, 2019, 01:22:23 AM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on March 08, 2019, 01:37:39 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on March 08, 2019, 01:22:23 AM

:lol:
Oh, JJ, I needed to laugh this much again. Thank you.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 24, 2019, 11:37:35 PM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 25, 2019, 12:25:43 AM
UUUGH! :geezer!:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on March 25, 2019, 01:21:58 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on March 24, 2019, 11:37:35 PM

:snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on March 25, 2019, 03:44:05 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on March 24, 2019, 11:37:35 PM


Don't knock it till you've tried it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on March 25, 2019, 03:15:17 PM
:lol: I'll pass, thanks!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 25, 2019, 08:24:09 PM
Quote from: jumbojak on March 24, 2019, 11:37:35 PM


:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 03, 2019, 09:40:07 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thecomicstrips.com%2Fproperties%2Fspeedbump%2Fart_images%2Fbiodiversity_rev.jpg&hash=7bcdf83d277c5c8817f09b26d72b693f379c8bcf)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 20, 2019, 02:25:10 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/57387410_664424323978118_8740297484317753344_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa13-1.fna&oh=065308abfe8ca35d962af85bfa7cbd9d&oe=5D3659D2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 21, 2019, 05:28:33 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on April 20, 2019, 02:25:10 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/57387410_664424323978118_8740297484317753344_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa13-1.fna&oh=065308abfe8ca35d962af85bfa7cbd9d&oe=5D3659D2)
I like this one.  :lol:

:secrets1: Reminds me of Asmo.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on May 04, 2019, 02:39:17 PM
Heard this the other day from the lab technician. I've got to warn you though, it's really bad.

We were discussing how mosquitoes are dumb animals because with all the noise they make as they come close to suck your blood, you can hear the annoying buzzing sound they make and kill them before they feed.

She (lab technician) said that in the beginning, when all the newly created animals were lining up to be given their attributes by god, when came the mosquito's turn it said to god:

"I am small and powerless. I don't have teeth and claws like the powerful lion, or the awesome size of an elephant. How am I going to feed to sustain myself?"

"You," said god, "will feed on the blood of more powerful animals."

The mosquito was elated. It would suck the blood of those even at the top of the food chain.

"Will I be able to suck all their blood, until they are dead?"

God was annoyed with the mosquito's greediness. He thought for a moment and said, "No. Not only will you not suck all their blood but you will have to be extra careful because many will try to kill you as you do." 

The mosquito was distraught and couldn't hold back its tears. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah", it whined, and whines to this day. 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how mosquitos got their annoying buzz.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 06, 2019, 01:53:23 AM
^ A most informative explanation about  earth history Silver.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 06, 2019, 02:27:24 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on May 04, 2019, 02:39:17 PM
Heard this the other day from the lab technician. I've got to warn you though, it's really bad.

We were discussing how mosquitoes are dumb animals because with all the noise they make as they come close to suck your blood, you can hear the annoying buzzing sound they make and kill them before they feed.

She (lab technician) said that in the beginning, when all the newly created animals were lining up to be given their attributes by god, when came the mosquito's turn it said to god:

"I am small and powerless. I don't have teeth and claws like the powerful lion, or the awesome size of an elephant. How am I going to feed to sustain myself?"

"You," said god, "will feed on the blood of more powerful animals."

The mosquito was elated. It would suck the blood of those even at the top of the food chain.

"Will I be able to suck all their blood, until they are dead?"

God was annoyed with the mosquito's greediness. He thought for a moment and said, "No. Not only will you not suck all their blood but you will have to be extra careful because many will try to kill you as you do." 

The mosquito was distraught and couldn't hold back its tears. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah", it whined, and whines to this day. 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how mosquitos got their annoying buzz.
:snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on May 21, 2019, 04:48:28 PM
My niece's latest and greatest:

What do you call a chicken with two legs?

A chicken.

:deadpan:

She gets an A for effort.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on May 21, 2019, 09:23:57 PM
Kent Hovind, Ray Comfort, and Ken Hamm jump off a cliff. Who wins?




Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on May 22, 2019, 02:59:21 AM
Quote from: No one on May 21, 2019, 09:23:57 PM
Kent Hovind, Ray Comfort, and Ken Hamm jump off a cliff. Who wins?




Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


:rofl: Indeed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 22, 2019, 12:06:16 PM
Quote from: No one on May 21, 2019, 09:23:57 PM
Kent Hovind, Ray Comfort, and Ken Hamm jump off a cliff. Who wins?




Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Yep!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 26, 2019, 05:42:59 AM
This kid is good at what she does. Bless her heart she is charming and looks a little bit like OAC.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgKhnQHTVSQ
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on May 26, 2019, 02:25:06 PM
My niece is getting better with the jokes she tells. Yesterday it was: What kind of dog does Count Dracula have? A Bloodhound. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 09, 2019, 05:59:52 AM
Oh, boy!  :picard facepalm:
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/0d/09/e8/0d09e8f2a80f062a91131eca47d50479.jpg)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 10, 2019, 01:41:01 AM
 :puppysnicker:   
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 10, 2019, 02:54:39 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/arN4Mci.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 10, 2019, 04:27:54 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on August 10, 2019, 02:54:39 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/arN4Mci.jpg)
Ha! It took me a while, but I got it.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 10, 2019, 05:08:13 AM
Quote from: Icarus on August 10, 2019, 01:41:01 AM
:puppysnicker:
Yes, my dear friend, Icarus...
Like the famous rapper, Kanye West eloquently stated in one of his songs:
"She got a smartphone but a dumbass." :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on August 10, 2019, 12:54:07 PM
He was playing me like you'd play a fish...

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 13, 2019, 01:24:33 PM
It helps if you imagine auto-correct as a tiny little elf who's trying so hard to be helpful while being stoned out of his mind!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on August 13, 2019, 06:31:09 PM
That's an interesting perspective.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 14, 2019, 06:37:05 PM
I heard this joke somewhat recently (Ricky Gervais interview) and was telling it to some folks and acquaintances at a party.

Surprisingly a couple of more devout christian ladies took some umbrage with it.
We didn't argue, but they were not pleased at the implication of it, and made sure to let me know.

I think it's rather clever.

"So an old Jewish man, who was a survivor of the holocaust dies. Arriving at heavens gate he is greeted by St Peter, and a few other Saints. They tell him what a fine, good man he was, and having led such an exemplary life has more than earned a spot in heaven.

As he and the Saints are chatting and getting to know each other Jesus walks over to the group, and introduces himself to the old man.

After some time the old man, who during life loved to make people smile and laugh decides to tell a joke that just happens to involve the holocaust.

Jesus, after hearing the joke says, "I'm sorry, but I really don't think that is very appropriate or in good taste"

To which the old Jewish man replies, "Oh, I guess you had to be there".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 14, 2019, 07:07:47 PM
Love it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 14, 2019, 11:52:51 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 14, 2019, 06:37:05 PM
"Oh, I guess you had to be there".
Ha!
:rimshot:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on August 18, 2019, 01:53:39 AM
(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/67216271_2403611546578269_3203964028502147072_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_oc=AQm3iJbl0BUCAeny8-RO6cP9lkxHsCnO_rLVfZYqWpewF-eCzvCoprshXIp4mBlx2q1WP_ce7V83kjq53Hv-pIsw&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=1db27e13d1a9b75ff254fa53289384f6&oe=5DDD187C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 18, 2019, 04:02:07 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on August 18, 2019, 01:53:39 AM
(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/67216271_2403611546578269_3203964028502147072_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_oc=AQm3iJbl0BUCAeny8-RO6cP9lkxHsCnO_rLVfZYqWpewF-eCzvCoprshXIp4mBlx2q1WP_ce7V83kjq53Hv-pIsw&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=1db27e13d1a9b75ff254fa53289384f6&oe=5DDD187C)
:lol:
Sounds like something my man would say at my burial.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 18, 2019, 07:05:47 PM
I think we would all say that Mags :P



So one day I asked Socorro (My Wife) what she would do if I ever won the lottery, and she said, "Id take half of the winnings, and leave your ass"!..."Great", I said, "I just won $12.00, here's $6.00,...have a great life and stay in touch"!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 18, 2019, 07:21:13 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 18, 2019, 04:02:07 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on August 18, 2019, 01:53:39 AM
(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/67216271_2403611546578269_3203964028502147072_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_oc=AQm3iJbl0BUCAeny8-RO6cP9lkxHsCnO_rLVfZYqWpewF-eCzvCoprshXIp4mBlx2q1WP_ce7V83kjq53Hv-pIsw&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=1db27e13d1a9b75ff254fa53289384f6&oe=5DDD187C)
:lol:
Sounds like something my man would say at my burial.

Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 18, 2019, 07:05:47 PM
I think we would all say that Mags :P
(https://media0.giphy.com/media/3pDwzu7sYmF4k/source.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 18, 2019, 08:04:46 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 18, 2019, 07:05:47 PM
I think we would all say that Mags :P



So one day I asked Socorro (My Wife) what she would do if I ever won the lottery, and she said, "Id take half of the winnings, and leave your ass"!..."Great", I said, "I just won $12.00, here's $6.00,...have a great life and stay in touch"!

:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 18, 2019, 08:09:42 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 18, 2019, 07:21:13 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 18, 2019, 04:02:07 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on August 18, 2019, 01:53:39 AM
(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/67216271_2403611546578269_3203964028502147072_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_oc=AQm3iJbl0BUCAeny8-RO6cP9lkxHsCnO_rLVfZYqWpewF-eCzvCoprshXIp4mBlx2q1WP_ce7V83kjq53Hv-pIsw&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=1db27e13d1a9b75ff254fa53289384f6&oe=5DDD187C)
:lol:
Sounds like something my man would say at my burial.

Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 18, 2019, 07:05:47 PM
I think we would all say that Mags :P
(https://media0.giphy.com/media/3pDwzu7sYmF4k/source.gif)


I'm a little rusty on my "Gif-Speak, however. I think what you're saying here Mags is "Bruno, that was funny, butt not-funny mother-f****er"!

(https://i.imgur.com/zc70c3N.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 18, 2019, 09:58:47 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 18, 2019, 08:09:42 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 18, 2019, 07:21:13 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 18, 2019, 04:02:07 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on August 18, 2019, 01:53:39 AM
(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/67216271_2403611546578269_3203964028502147072_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_oc=AQm3iJbl0BUCAeny8-RO6cP9lkxHsCnO_rLVfZYqWpewF-eCzvCoprshXIp4mBlx2q1WP_ce7V83kjq53Hv-pIsw&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=1db27e13d1a9b75ff254fa53289384f6&oe=5DDD187C)
:lol:
Sounds like something my man would say at my burial.

Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 18, 2019, 07:05:47 PM
I think we would all say that Mags :P
(https://media0.giphy.com/media/3pDwzu7sYmF4k/source.gif)


I'm a little rusty on my "Gif-Speak, however. I think what you're saying here Mags is "Bruno, that was funny, butt not-funny mother-f****er"!

(https://i.imgur.com/zc70c3N.gif)
Quote"Bruno, that was funny, but not-that funny."
Yes.

Quote"mother-f****er!"
No.
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Freplygif.net%2Fi%2F1166.gif&hash=62dc9aacd8f2a7fa2448847230f0f5c82d2f1c5f)
I wouldn't call you that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 18, 2019, 10:13:08 PM
I'm a little rusty on my "Gif-Speak, however. I think what you're saying here Mags is "Bruno, that was funny, butt not-funny mother-f****er"!

(https://i.imgur.com/zc70c3N.gif)
[/quote]
Quote"Bruno, that was funny, but not-that funny."
Yes.

Quote"mother-f****er!"
No.
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Freplygif.net%2Fi%2F1166.gif&hash=62dc9aacd8f2a7fa2448847230f0f5c82d2f1c5f)
I wouldn't call you that.


(https://i.imgur.com/5DOxK49.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on August 19, 2019, 03:39:12 PM
(https://media.giphy.com/media/NokxBvxlFvapi/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 19, 2019, 07:41:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 13, 2019, 01:24:33 PM
It helps if you imagine auto-correct as a tiny little elf who's trying so hard to be helpful while being stoned out of his mind!
is it just me, or does that sound like something Terry pratchett would write?  :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 19, 2019, 08:44:44 PM
Quote from: Davin on August 19, 2019, 03:39:12 PM
(https://media.giphy.com/media/NokxBvxlFvapi/giphy.gif)
(https://media1.tenor.com/images/72245c3752736366f1b11ef84dd96e3e/tenor.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 19, 2019, 09:45:17 PM
Quote from: Guardian85 on August 19, 2019, 07:41:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 13, 2019, 01:24:33 PM
It helps if you imagine auto-correct as a tiny little elf who's trying so hard to be helpful while being stoned out of his mind!
is it just me, or does that sound like something Terry pratchett would write?  :o

No, Insert Name Here.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 19, 2019, 09:46:11 PM
While I was away from the 'HAF" I have to admit to you folks that I went back to church once. The reason is that I found myself falling for another woman, and after things got a little physical the guilt of it made me seek confession.

It went sort of like this:

Me: Yo Padre, it's been like 36 years since my last confession.

Priest: First off address me as Father, and second this could take awhile. Go ahead my son, confess your sins.

Me: Well Father, it's not really as bad as all that, the only thing I have to confess is that I "Almost" had an affair with another woman.

Priest: What do you mean almost?

Me: Well, her and I got naked, and then I started to rub my thing against her thing, but then I realized what I was doing was wrong so I stopped. Her and I got dressed, and we haven't touched each other since.

Priest: Rubbing "Your Thing" against "Her Thing" is the same as "Putting It In". So you are not to see this woman again, and for your penance I want you to say 10 Hail Marys, Five Our Fathers, and put $100.00 in the donation box.

Me: So I left the confessional, and went over and knelt down in one of the pews. I did the Hail Mary's and Our Father's (I couldn't really remember them so I kinda faked it)

Then as I was leaving the church I heard the priest yelling my name, and as I turned around I saw him running after me, so I paused by the doors to the church, and I said, "Yes Father is there something I can do for you"? The priest said, "I watched you, and noticed you never put the $100.00 is the donation box"!

I said, "but Father I did, I took a hundred dollars out of my wallet, and rubbed it against the donation box, because as you said, "That's the same thing as "Putting It In".

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 19, 2019, 11:43:51 PM
^  Ha!  :puppysnicker:   

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 20, 2019, 08:03:21 AM
Quote from: Guardian85 on August 19, 2019, 07:41:05 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 13, 2019, 01:24:33 PM
It helps if you imagine auto-correct as a tiny little elf who's trying so hard to be helpful while being stoned out of his mind!
is it just me, or does that sound like something Terry pratchett would write?  :o

Yes. He has cameras with elfs in them that paint pictures.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on August 21, 2019, 02:29:55 PM
I think there's a better thread for this but I can't find it.

(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/68246003_532147254191881_279494859348246528_o.jpg?_nc_cat=107&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_oc=AQk4YNIXCcuFWRK9RPlyNSegdHKvkLRA_iyIqH29bt-9kn_kXtGuXlxU8RgUd7dbcu0AkPL4fdGIjlUlJLQM-z7z&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=e7990147b9df2dfb88239fd2c355c536&oe=5DD809D5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 21, 2019, 08:36:27 PM
That's why I spell it crucifiction.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on September 24, 2019, 11:10:01 PM
(https://66.media.tumblr.com/d8cf1583cebfecf366e3ad6b8f073851/tumblr_pxa4f7wVMX1wbfk0yo1_1280.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on September 25, 2019, 12:21:52 AM
People not in the US wonder about the kids in the US taking the Tide Pods challenge. (The person who made this meme was obviously laughing too hard to spell check it.)

(https://i.imgur.com/4jFU3ar.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on September 30, 2019, 06:53:55 AM
This is hilarious!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on September 30, 2019, 04:15:27 PM
I don't get it, is it hilarious that teaching something takes longer than just doing it?

Or is hilarious because its one of these dumb things where old people think that the new way math is taught is dumb because that's not how they learned it back when they were kids? Like their parents were like, "your new fangled way to do multiplication is stupid," then they bring out their abacus.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on September 30, 2019, 05:07:42 PM
I guess I'm just dumb. You're right Davin. I'm dumb.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on October 02, 2019, 03:51:02 PM
Oh... sorry. Must be a third option then, an attempt to make fun of a modern way to teach multiplication.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on October 02, 2019, 09:19:03 PM
The teacher was attempting to show the students that numbers can be factored before being multiplied. That is often a faster way to do number manipulation.  Despite her presumed best intention the principle did not come off very clearly for the students.

Another method that is vastly different is the Vedic method used often by the people of India.  That is a whole other ball game but it works with great rapidity and most of the products can be calculated mentally.  I urge anyone who might be interested to research the Vedic methods.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on October 03, 2019, 02:52:21 AM
I used the Trachtenberg system which I learned when I was about 13. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trachtenberg_system#targetText=The%20Trachtenberg%20system%20is%20a%20system%20of%20rapid%20mental%20calculation.&targetText=It%20was%20developed%20by%20the,some%20methods%20devised%20by%20Trachtenberg.

I'll check into the Vedic system, though to be honest my brain isn't quite as plastic as it was 54 years ago. I used to be able to multiply 2- and 3- digit numbers together mentally faster than a lot of people could punch them in on a calculator. Now, I'm working on a wooden chest and sometimes I break down and use the calculator.   :-[
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 03, 2019, 05:24:35 AM
Quote from: Buddy on September 24, 2019, 11:10:01 PM
(https://66.media.tumblr.com/d8cf1583cebfecf366e3ad6b8f073851/tumblr_pxa4f7wVMX1wbfk0yo1_1280.jpg)
I've shared this joke with 3 people already. Twice in English, once I had to translate it to Spanish, and I also had to explain the "X men powers."  :blahblah:
...The point is, all three said it was a good joke.  :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on October 04, 2019, 01:00:39 AM
You are not alone DL.  I was once able to do mental math at an impressive rate..........not so much anymore. 

One of the gimmicks that I use when having an insomnia episode is to lie in the dark and do mental math.  That sure enough erases any other concerns that I might have about the troubles in our world or on a more personal basis, my concern about my own destiny. It works for me.

I am a really old dude who is understandably concerned about his mental capacity.  I mess around with math and physics problems in an effort to keep my increasingly atrophied brain somewhat useful.  I think of it as a kind of mental calisthenics.  Actually it is kind of fun.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on October 04, 2019, 01:13:15 AM
Family nerd trait, I guess, in my case. One of my sons took AP Calculus in HS, and was on the swim and water polo teams. He used to integrate homework problems in his head while doing the backstroke because it's boring to just swim.

One thing- well, two things- about memory, that I read about when younger when I didn't really have a memory problem but just wanted to improve, was that the intent to remember is important, and attention. I learned this trick from a guy- when someone introduces themselves to you, ask their name again in a couple of minutes, with the excuse that you're terrible with names. When you ask again, you have your full attention on the name because you've initiated the intent to remember.

I knew guys at university who simply stayed up all night cramming for exams, and then promptly forgot the information. I knew that the material I was studying was important for my eventual higher education and paid attention and kept it fresh. This one guy had the nerve in second-semester calculus to ask the prof, "How long to we need to know this?". I said, "For the rest of your life." The prof came over and shook my hand.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 05, 2019, 03:13:32 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 04, 2019, 01:13:15 AM
One thing- well, two things- about memory, that I read about when younger when I didn't really have a memory problem but just wanted to improve, was that the intent to remember is important, and attention.

That is true.  :thumbsup: A little stress also helps consolidate memory, but not too much. Too much stress makes your mind go blank.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Essie Mae on October 06, 2019, 10:34:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 05, 2019, 03:13:32 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 04, 2019, 01:13:15 AM
One thing- well, two things- about memory, that I read about when younger when I didn't really have a memory problem but just wanted to improve, was that the intent to remember is important, and attention.

That is true.  :thumbsup: A little stress also helps consolidate memory, but not too much. Too much stress makes your mind go blank.

So true. Our kitchen being replaced for first time in 40 yrs. Messy house, messy brain.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on October 07, 2019, 05:17:09 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 06, 2019, 10:34:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 05, 2019, 03:13:32 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 04, 2019, 01:13:15 AM
One thing- well, two things- about memory, that I read about when younger when I didn't really have a memory problem but just wanted to improve, was that the intent to remember is important, and attention.

That is true.  :thumbsup: A little stress also helps consolidate memory, but not too much. Too much stress makes your mind go blank.

So true. Our kitchen being replaced for first time in 40 yrs. Messy house, messy brain.

Now that's an activity that piques my interest. Please share some details and photos. Do you have an island?

https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/kitchen-triangle-best-way-to-design-a-kitchen
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 07, 2019, 05:45:03 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on October 07, 2019, 05:17:09 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 06, 2019, 10:34:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 05, 2019, 03:13:32 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 04, 2019, 01:13:15 AM
One thing- well, two things- about memory, that I read about when younger when I didn't really have a memory problem but just wanted to improve, was that the intent to remember is important, and attention.

That is true.  :thumbsup: A little stress also helps consolidate memory, but not too much. Too much stress makes your mind go blank.

So true. Our kitchen being replaced for first time in 40 yrs. Messy house, messy brain.

Now that's an activity that piques my interest. Please share some details and photos. Do you have an island?

https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/kitchen-triangle-best-way-to-design-a-kitchen

You should have been an architect, Hermes.  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on October 07, 2019, 08:06:16 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 07, 2019, 05:45:03 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on October 07, 2019, 05:17:09 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 06, 2019, 10:34:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 05, 2019, 03:13:32 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 04, 2019, 01:13:15 AM
One thing- well, two things- about memory, that I read about when younger when I didn't really have a memory problem but just wanted to improve, was that the intent to remember is important, and attention.

That is true.  :thumbsup: A little stress also helps consolidate memory, but not too much. Too much stress makes your mind go blank.

So true. Our kitchen being replaced for first time in 40 yrs. Messy house, messy brain.

Now that's an activity that piques my interest. Please share some details and photos. Do you have an island?

https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/kitchen-triangle-best-way-to-design-a-kitchen

You should have been an architect, Hermes.  :P

Well, you've hit on one of my few regrets in life. So many of my heroes are architects and designers. On the other hand, had I become an architect, I would have wished I'd become a scientist.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on October 07, 2019, 01:05:12 PM
The working triangle is a very old idea. Blacksmiths used it for centuries with the forge, anvil, and vice set in a triangle a few steps away from each other. Time is the enemy with hot metal so having the three things you need most laid out as efficiently as possible is key.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 08, 2019, 12:25:51 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on October 07, 2019, 08:06:16 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 07, 2019, 05:45:03 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on October 07, 2019, 05:17:09 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 06, 2019, 10:34:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 05, 2019, 03:13:32 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 04, 2019, 01:13:15 AM
One thing- well, two things- about memory, that I read about when younger when I didn't really have a memory problem but just wanted to improve, was that the intent to remember is important, and attention.

That is true.  :thumbsup: A little stress also helps consolidate memory, but not too much. Too much stress makes your mind go blank.

So true. Our kitchen being replaced for first time in 40 yrs. Messy house, messy brain.

Now that's an activity that piques my interest. Please share some details and photos. Do you have an island?

https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/kitchen-triangle-best-way-to-design-a-kitchen

You should have been an architect, Hermes.  :P

Well, you've hit on one of my few regrets in life. So many of my heroes are architects and designers. On the other hand, had I become an architect, I would have wished I'd become a scientist.

Do you design molecules? :tellmemore:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on October 08, 2019, 04:50:12 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 08, 2019, 12:25:51 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on October 07, 2019, 08:06:16 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 07, 2019, 05:45:03 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on October 07, 2019, 05:17:09 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 06, 2019, 10:34:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 05, 2019, 03:13:32 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 04, 2019, 01:13:15 AM
One thing- well, two things- about memory, that I read about when younger when I didn't really have a memory problem but just wanted to improve, was that the intent to remember is important, and attention.

That is true.  :thumbsup: A little stress also helps consolidate memory, but not too much. Too much stress makes your mind go blank.

So true. Our kitchen being replaced for first time in 40 yrs. Messy house, messy brain.

Now that's an activity that piques my interest. Please share some details and photos. Do you have an island?

https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/kitchen-triangle-best-way-to-design-a-kitchen

You should have been an architect, Hermes.  :P

Well, you've hit on one of my few regrets in life. So many of my heroes are architects and designers. On the other hand, had I become an architect, I would have wished I'd become a scientist.

Do you design molecules? :tellmemore:

Yes, I used to design molecules as model compounds to test certain hypotheses when I was doing research for my Masters and PhD degrees. I even managed to create the first stable example of a class of compounds (iodoformates), which were previously though too unstable to survive after formation. I think I was attracted to organic chemistry owing to my interest in designing 3D things. Organic chemistry is like miniature architecture, where the bricks are atoms and the cement is covalent bonding.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on October 08, 2019, 03:59:34 PM
I'm impressed! OC is one of the tougher disciplines, based on what I saw undergrads going through.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on October 08, 2019, 04:50:53 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 08, 2019, 03:59:34 PM
I'm impressed! OC is one of the tougher disciplines, based on what I saw undergrads going through.

Thanks, but I took to it like a fish to water, thanks to being taught the mechanistic approach, where one just has to consider how electrons move in a molecule. That is totally opposite to the old, hated, approach of having to memorize reactions like recipes. That is why students struggle with it at some university departments that don't teach it in a logical way. I liked it because if one does it mechanistically, it's only necessary to learn a few basic principles that can then be applied to solve almost any problem.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2019, 12:08:13 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on October 08, 2019, 04:50:12 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 08, 2019, 12:25:51 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on October 07, 2019, 08:06:16 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 07, 2019, 05:45:03 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on October 07, 2019, 05:17:09 AM
Quote from: Essie Mae on October 06, 2019, 10:34:46 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 05, 2019, 03:13:32 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 04, 2019, 01:13:15 AM
One thing- well, two things- about memory, that I read about when younger when I didn't really have a memory problem but just wanted to improve, was that the intent to remember is important, and attention.

That is true.  :thumbsup: A little stress also helps consolidate memory, but not too much. Too much stress makes your mind go blank.

So true. Our kitchen being replaced for first time in 40 yrs. Messy house, messy brain.

Now that's an activity that piques my interest. Please share some details and photos. Do you have an island?

https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/kitchen-triangle-best-way-to-design-a-kitchen

You should have been an architect, Hermes.  :P

Well, you've hit on one of my few regrets in life. So many of my heroes are architects and designers. On the other hand, had I become an architect, I would have wished I'd become a scientist.

Do you design molecules? :tellmemore:

Yes, I used to design molecules as model compounds to test certain hypotheses when I was doing research for my Masters and PhD degrees. I even managed to create the first stable example of a class of compounds (iodoformates), which were previously though too unstable to survive after formation. I think I was attracted to organic chemistry owing to my interest in designing 3D things. Organic chemistry is like miniature architecture, where the bricks are atoms and the cement is covalent bonding.

It's like miniature architecture only much harder. ;) Respect.  8)

I took OC as an undergrad and the professor insisted we learnt the reactions by heart. Obviously, OC was not one of my favourite disciplines.  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on October 12, 2019, 04:14:15 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2019, 12:08:13 AM
...
I took OC as an undergrad and the professor insisted we learnt the reactions by heart. Obviously, OC was not one of my favourite disciplines.  :-\

Well, there's your problem. If your prof had taught the mechanistic approach, you might have been an organic chemist today.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2019, 01:34:15 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on October 12, 2019, 04:14:15 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 12, 2019, 12:08:13 AM
...
I took OC as an undergrad and the professor insisted we learnt the reactions by heart. Obviously, OC was not one of my favourite disciplines.  :-\

Well, there's your problem. If your prof had taught the mechanistic approach, you might have been an organic chemist today.

Maybe, who knows?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Red_Cloud on October 13, 2019, 11:06:08 AM
"What's the worst thing about being an atheist? You have no one to talk to when you're fucking." ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Red_Cloud on October 13, 2019, 11:11:34 AM
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?.....Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it. :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 13, 2019, 01:03:49 PM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on October 13, 2019, 04:21:18 PM
how many quakers does it take to change a light bulb?

three and one half.

quaker one to notice the burned out light bulb on first day, without doing anything because it will be brought up at business meeting in three weeks.

quaker two to go to the store and buy a pack of light bulbs, return to the meeting house, and pry open the kitchen window

the half quaker is lifted in and goes around to unlock the door from the inside

quaker two to go in, get the ladder, remove the burned out bulb and throw it in the trash, screw a fresh bulb into the the socket, put the rest of the light bulbs into the storage closet and return the ladder, and then  with the half quaker to exit together through the door, and lock it behind them.

quaker three to marvel at how he lights are all working next first day.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on October 13, 2019, 07:28:50 PM
A Dung Beetle walks into a bar and says:
Is this stool taken?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on October 23, 2019, 03:15:09 PM
(https://i.redd.it/xuvc0j7vmqc01.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 23, 2019, 04:05:01 PM
^^^
Good one.  :snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on October 23, 2019, 07:59:57 PM
^  :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 27, 2019, 01:44:23 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on October 23, 2019, 03:15:09 PM
(https://i.redd.it/xuvc0j7vmqc01.jpg)

Perfect! :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on October 27, 2019, 01:13:59 AM
I've been showing that one to people at work and no one single person got it yet. It's brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on October 27, 2019, 02:41:16 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on October 27, 2019, 01:13:59 AM
I've been showing that one to people at work and no one single person got it yet. It's brilliant!

Most people at my work don't understand the joke either, which shows that Germans don't have a sense of humour  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 27, 2019, 07:51:00 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 27, 2019, 01:44:23 AM
Quote from: jumbojak on October 23, 2019, 03:15:09 PM
(https://i.redd.it/xuvc0j7vmqc01.jpg)

Perfect! :lol:

I didn't get the joke at first. What's wrong with being an Orca?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on October 27, 2019, 11:10:44 PM
Orcas are commonly called Killer Whales.  They are the scourge of sharks including the giant Great White.  When an Orca or a pod of them arrive in the vicinity of sharks, the sharks flee at once.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on October 30, 2019, 02:27:21 AM
Last Day on the Job:

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on October 30, 2019, 01:20:09 PM
:lol: Dayamn.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 05, 2020, 04:42:22 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/mNjL93p.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 09, 2020, 12:57:50 AM
(https://scontent.fpoa13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/81548108_2667193093329552_7021891248260644864_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ohc=oqrIGdkbgdMAX9x-z75&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa13-1.fna&oh=463ab2e24ba791c46cb13f04deed95d1&oe=5EA0AF50)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on January 09, 2020, 01:45:23 AM
my favorite delivery of this joke

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 21, 2020, 08:30:22 PM
Quote from: billy rubin on January 09, 2020, 01:45:23 AM
my favorite delivery of this joke



;D ;D :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on January 22, 2020, 06:14:21 PM
The man had been in a coma from the car accident now for seven days. His daughter had been traveling overseas when the accident occurred, and was only just now because of traveling issues able to make it to the hospital to check up on her precious Father.

Discussing her Father's case with his doctors they told her that everything possible had been done at that point to bring her Father out of his coma, but nothing seemed to work, and his prognosis didn't look good.

The girl looked at the doctors, and said, "Have you tried this yet?" and then she walked over to the thermostat in the room and adjusted it, at which point her Father opened one eye and said, "What's that yer doing there"?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on January 22, 2020, 07:23:33 PM
  :popcorn: :thinking: :notsure:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hiep on January 26, 2020, 07:56:59 PM
Jesus Gets pull over by a police man.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Jesus (whispers): My blood is made out of wine.
Cop: ok, get out of the car pal.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on January 26, 2020, 10:28:32 PM
Have you heard about the cannibal who passed his father in the jungle?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hiep on January 28, 2020, 03:54:05 AM
Jesus on leg day: Squat a 400 lbs on his his back.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 28, 2020, 07:29:38 PM
Quote from: hiep on January 26, 2020, 07:56:59 PM
Jesus Gets pull over by a police man.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Jesus (whispers): My blood is made out of wine.
Cop: ok, get out of the car pal.

Wait...wait...did someone say, wine? (https://theadminzone.com/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/superman.gif)


(https://media.giphy.com/media/w9Bno0lSnPldK/200.gif)
Hello hiep, welcome to the forum.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bad Penny II on January 30, 2020, 08:44:31 AM
QuoteHe said that if Trump did withhold nearly $400 million in aid to pressure Ukraine to announce investigations of Democrats to help his campaign, it wasn't an impeachable offense because Trump thinks his election would be to the country's benefit. Therefore, he had no corrupt motive.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hiep on January 30, 2020, 03:25:29 PM
I could tell you a joke I've heard from my watch but that would be second-hand information.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on January 30, 2020, 03:52:00 PM
there was this desk clerk at a lake-side honeymoon hotel way out in the woods. one day a man drove up and checked in.

just you today, sir<

no, my wife is in the car. she's ill, but i just love to fish!

the man helped his infirm wife up the stairs.

next morning he came down before sunrise with his fishing gear. the clerk said

up so early sir?

yes. i just love to fish!

the man stayed out late into the evening, and his wife had food sent in.

the next morning before sunrise the man came down the stairs again.

out fishing again sir?

yes, it's great here, and i just love to fish!

again he stayed out all day, returning well after dark. the wife stayed in the room, nd had food sent in.

the third morning the man came down the stairs before dawn, as before.

out again sir?

oh yes. i just love to fish!

pardon me for asking sir, but you're a bit unusual. this being a honeymoon hotel, most of our guests spend a lot of their time together in the room, getting to know each other better, if you know what i mean . . .

oh, no, my wife is quite ill. in fact, she has a bad case of gonorrhea, so that sort of thing is out for us.

i'm sorry to hear that sir. but, uh, have you ever considered, perhaps, non-vaginal intercourse?

oh no, she has chronic diarrhea , so that is definitiel out as well.

i'm so sorry sir. but, if you don't mind my suggesting, what about oral sex, then?

out, no way. she has terrible trenchmouth, you know.

gonorrhea, diarrhea, and trenchmouth, too? tht's very unfortunate sir. if you don't mind my asking, why did you marry her?

oh, you see, she has a terrific case of worms, and i just love to fish!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 30, 2020, 04:00:29 PM
Quote from: Bad Penny II on January 30, 2020, 08:44:31 AM
QuoteHe said that if Trump did withhold nearly $400 million in aid to pressure Ukraine to announce investigations of Democrats to help his campaign, it wasn't an impeachable offense because Trump thinks his election would be to the country's benefit. Therefore, he had no corrupt motive.
:picard facepalm:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bad Penny II on January 31, 2020, 12:58:06 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on January 30, 2020, 04:00:29 PM
Quote from: Bad Penny II on January 30, 2020, 08:44:31 AM
QuoteHe said that if Trump did withhold nearly $400 million in aid to pressure Ukraine to announce investigations of Democrats to help his campaign, it wasn't an impeachable offense because Trump thinks his election would be to the country's benefit. Therefore, he had no corrupt motive.
:picard facepalm:

I think Trump may be the Superman.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-nietzsches-s_b_7968918 (https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-nietzsches-s_b_7968918)
QuoteAnd here's how you would know these Supermen: they would be marked by their ability to never feel guilt or regret or shame.

They would be "super" for the very reason that they, unlike the average person, could look at every moment of their lives--the good, the bad, the indifferent--and say (and really mean as they say it): "yes, I did that. So what? I willed it."

In fact, for these men it would never even be a matter of good, bad, or indifferent, because these men would be "beyond good and evil"--for the simple fact that they themselves would determine what was good and evil. Moreover, for these men there would never be any concern for the common good--because, in their eyes, nothing "common" could ever be "good."

Meanwhile, Nietzsche believed that the average person would look at these Supermen as heroes because in the Supermen they would see an expression of their own true nature: the nature they themselves are too weak to embrace but which they, all the same, resonate with strongly. The average person would champion the causes of the Supermen because they would see in the Supermen what they once upon a time saw in God and later saw in the community: a Savior--a source of hope.

Which leads me to this question: could it be that the very reason so many people are inspired rather than put off by Donald Trump is that he, for them, is Nietzsche's Superman?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 31, 2020, 02:16:10 PM
Quote from: Bad Penny II on January 31, 2020, 12:58:06 AM

I think Trump may be the Superman.


(https://media0.giphy.com/media/spfi6nabVuq5y/giphy.gif?cid=19f5b51a42f5aff672f0b316299154d0bf84684d73a381b0&rid=giphy.gif)
I can think of many words to describe Trump but superman is not one of them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on January 31, 2020, 07:24:50 PM
Why is 2019 afraid of 2020?


Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kusa on February 01, 2020, 12:33:59 AM
^^^ I don't believe that makes sense.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on February 01, 2020, 12:42:21 AM
Think about it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hiep on February 01, 2020, 01:33:15 AM
How many super saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1
but it will take ten episodes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on February 01, 2020, 09:27:03 AM
Quote from: hiep on February 01, 2020, 01:33:15 AM
How many super saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1
but it will take ten episodes.

I'm so impressed with myself. I'm nearly 50 and I get it. That makes me down with the kids, right?!... Right??!.

Now, who wants to go play postman's knock and phone Busby from a payphone?


... Aww, think I blew it...  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Kusa on February 01, 2020, 03:28:33 PM
Quote from: No one on February 01, 2020, 12:42:21 AM
Think about it.

It came to me this morning. I just had to say it slow.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hiep on February 06, 2020, 05:36:24 PM
Quote from: No one on January 31, 2020, 07:24:50 PM
Why is 2019 afraid of 2020?


Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


I didn't get this initially. 2020 won.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hiep on February 09, 2020, 03:50:30 AM
*6 year old Jesus wakes from a nightmare*: "AAHH it's a catholic apocalypse"
God:" it's only a dream son, back to sleep"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 16, 2020, 12:13:59 AM
Older man is addressing a  young woman after her graduation ceremony.

He: " I know that you have recently graduated from University. Therefore I think that you will be good at math. I will give you twenty thousand dollars. You will have to pay fourteen percent in taxes.  How much would you take off for that?"

She: Everything but my ear rings.
Title: Funny pictures or jokes thread
Post by: Kusa on March 08, 2020, 03:38:04 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200308/672e38a02b14ca356ee0387ff4b97120.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200308/7b0c7447bb2644cdb719b0cbc58ebe60.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny pictures or jokes thread
Post by: Kusa on March 08, 2020, 03:40:03 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200308/0fe2d73e367a6de73d7d748c042270dc.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on March 22, 2020, 03:20:38 PM
I discovered two lumps on my car battery.

I've had them tested and there was a positive result.

I hope it's not terminal.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on March 25, 2020, 08:40:45 PM
(https://i.redd.it/j79fp3xbcqo41.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 30, 2020, 05:06:46 PM
A professor handed out the final exam and told students they had one hour to finish. When the hour was up, one student was still working. The professor called time and waited. The student continued to work.
"Time!" the professor called. Again, nothing.
'Well, I can play this game too,' the professor thought, putting her feet on the desk to wait.
Another half hour went by. The student boldly came to the front, which drew a sneer from the professor.
"You failed!" she said triumphantly.
"No I didn't," the student said. "Do you know who I am?"
"Doesn't matter. You failed. Period. The end."
"The hell I did. You don't know who you're talking to here."
"No, I don't, and I don't care. You're done."
"So you don't have a clue who I am?"
"Not a one."
To which the student replied by jamming his exam into the middle of the stack of submissions and then darting from the room.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 31, 2020, 01:00:16 AM
^ I wish that I had been than clever when I did not finish my exams in the allotted time.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on March 31, 2020, 06:19:02 PM
^^^ :lol:
Good one, xSilverPhinx.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 05, 2020, 01:10:30 AM
A grad student, a post doc, and their professor are walking down the street when one of them spots an antique brass lamp lying on the ground. They all reach for it and pick it up at once, when suddenly a puff of smoke emerges from the lamp and becomes the form of a genie.

The genie says, "I have three wishes to give you. Since there are three of you, you each get one wish. Tell me what you want." The grad student says, " I want to be on a tropical beach right now lying under a palm tree." "Done!" says the genie, and the graduate student disappears. The post doc says, "I want to be on a private yacht with attractive servers bringing me tropical drinks." "Done!" says the Genie, and the post doc disappears.

The Genie turns to the professor. "Well that's all fine," says the professor, "but I want them back in the lab after lunch."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on April 05, 2020, 01:33:57 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on April 05, 2020, 01:10:30 AM
A grad student, a post doc, and their professor are walking down the street when one of them spots an antique brass lamp lying on the ground. They all reach for it and pick it up at once, when suddenly a puff of smoke emerges from the lamp and becomes the form of a genie.

The genie says, "I have three wishes to give you. Since there are three of you, you each get one wish. Tell me what you want." The grad student says, " I want to be on a tropical beach right now lying under a palm tree." "Done!" says the genie, and the graduate student disappears. The post doc says, "I want to be on a private yacht with attractive servers bringing me tropical drinks." "Done!" says the Genie, and the post doc disappears.

The Genie turns to the professor. "Well that's all fine," says the professor, "but I want them back in the lab after lunch."

:lol: From Olympus to Tartarus in one hour.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 07, 2020, 06:38:41 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89836218_2991445107581425_27960241391927296_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=7mlbtrEDV-EAX_9B8sS&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa4-1.fna&oh=824234f9d55c4676e23838efba2791f7&oe=5EB0A72D)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 07, 2020, 08:04:41 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on April 07, 2020, 06:38:41 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89836218_2991445107581425_27960241391927296_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=7mlbtrEDV-EAX_9B8sS&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa4-1.fna&oh=824234f9d55c4676e23838efba2791f7&oe=5EB0A72D)

You should ban yourself for at least a day for that one. ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 07, 2020, 08:45:46 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on April 07, 2020, 08:04:41 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on April 07, 2020, 06:38:41 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89836218_2991445107581425_27960241391927296_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=7mlbtrEDV-EAX_9B8sS&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa4-1.fna&oh=824234f9d55c4676e23838efba2791f7&oe=5EB0A72D)

You should ban yourself for at least a day for that one. ::)

:lol:    :sidesmile:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 10, 2020, 02:48:05 AM
(https://scontent.fpoa4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/93158081_3044396348952967_1714192525247381504_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_ohc=q_yosRdjS8oAX_tUGtp&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa4-1.fna&oh=9ba64b32c332e4a51b63fbfdac395907&oe=5EB73709)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 13, 2020, 07:53:02 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/LOif6it.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on April 13, 2020, 08:25:36 PM
^^^
That's funny.  :snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 14, 2020, 12:52:06 AM
That ain't funny Mags.  The Pig ass, prevaricating, self absorbed, stable genius, shit eating dog,  does keep showing up at the office.  Let us pray fervently that the November election will ease our collective pain.

All together now............pray for an electoral rejection of our ill chosen, White House resident.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 14, 2020, 01:03:43 AM
It's funny in a laugh so you don't cry sort of way. :shrug:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 17, 2020, 11:16:00 PM
I was having a conversation with a loyal and trusted friend. I confessed to him that I was having an affair.  He replied; "are you having it catered?"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on May 18, 2020, 12:38:56 AM
A string walked into a bar. The bartender angrily states, "We don't serve strings here," ties him in a knot and throws him into the street where he was run over several times. Now frayed he walks back into the bar.

"Hey, aren't you that string I threw out of here a few moments ago?" the bartender inquired.
The string replied, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

Yeah, I groaned when I heard it too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 18, 2020, 04:41:57 AM
^^^
"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

(https://media.tenor.com/images/6f5db86b0f94aae26e1fdef0e0ea62d9/tenor.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on May 18, 2020, 10:54:20 AM
a horse walks into a bar

horze: gimme a beer

bartender: why the long face?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on May 18, 2020, 12:35:34 PM
Two guys walk into a bar.







and the third one ducks.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 19, 2020, 08:05:44 PM
A sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender says "I'm sorry. We don't serve food here."


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants.
Bartender: "You know you've got a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate: "Yar! It's drivin' me nuts!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on May 19, 2020, 09:47:01 PM
A guy is talking to his friend about the news, who asks, "Did you see the President's last speech?" He says, "I certainly hope so!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on May 27, 2020, 06:42:16 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on May 19, 2020, 09:47:01 PM
A guy is talking to his friend about the news, who asks, "Did you see the President's last speech?" He says, "I certainly hope so!"

;D  Took me a minute.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on May 27, 2020, 10:26:38 PM
A priest, a boy scout, and the smartest man in the world were in a private plane when the engine cut out. The pilot says, "There are only three chutes and I'm taking one." He jumps out of the plane.

The smartest man in the world grabs a pack and says, "I'm too important. The world needs me!" and he jumps out of the plane.

The priest tells the boy scout, "Son, I've lived a long time and you've got your whole life ahead of you. You take the last parachute."

The boy scout replies, "We both can go. We have two parachutes left."

The priest smiles and says, "Lad, there were only three chutes. The pilot took one and the smartest man in the world took the second one. That leaves only one parachute."

The boy scout exclaimed, "We still have two! The smartest man in the world took my back pack!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on May 28, 2020, 12:10:32 AM
Quote from: Randy on May 27, 2020, 10:26:38 PM
A priest, a boy scout, and the smartest man in the world were in a private plane when the engine cut out. The pilot says, "There are only three chutes and I'm taking one." He jumps out of the plane.

The smartest man in the world grabs a pack and says, "I'm too important. The world needs me!" and he jumps out of the plane.

The priest tells the boy scout, "Son, I've lived a long time and you've got your whole life ahead of you. You take the last parachute."

The boy scout replies, "We both can go. We have two parachutes left."

The priest smiles and says, "Lad, there were only three chutes. The pilot took one and the smartest man in the world took the second one. That leaves only one parachute."

The boy scout exclaimed, "We still have two! The smartest man in the world took my back pack!"
Ha!
Good one!
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 28, 2020, 05:07:46 AM
^^ Sounds like a trump joke to me. "Stable genius" types make a  mistake mow and then.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on May 28, 2020, 03:27:37 PM
Quote from: Icarus on May 28, 2020, 05:07:46 AM
^^ Sounds like a trump joke to me. "Stable genius" types make a  mistake mow and then.

I see what you did there. Is it wrong of me that I was fantasizing the chump as the "world's smartest man" while reading that joke?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on May 28, 2020, 03:49:41 PM
Is it wrong? I think a political cartoon like one sees in the newspaper be made.
Title: Re: Funny pictures or jokes thread
Post by: Dark Lightning on June 11, 2020, 09:05:36 PM
Don't seem to be able to find the other thread.

(https://i.imgur.com/I0zlCNV.jpg)
Title: Re: Funny pictures or jokes thread
Post by: joeactor on June 13, 2020, 04:03:48 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on June 11, 2020, 09:05:36 PM
Don't seem to be able to find the other thread.

(https://i.imgur.com/I0zlCNV.jpg)
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funny pictures or jokes thread
Post by: xSilverPhinx on June 13, 2020, 09:03:24 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on June 11, 2020, 09:05:36 PM
Don't seem to be able to find the other thread.

(https://i.imgur.com/I0zlCNV.jpg)

:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on June 21, 2020, 08:00:17 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/Ke1VUHH.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 21, 2020, 10:05:48 PM
Off to Facebook with that one  :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on August 01, 2020, 08:23:07 PM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on August 02, 2020, 04:42:20 PM
Billy Rubin, I remember growing up watching Dave Allen. I still laugh at his jokes to this day.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on September 10, 2020, 10:55:10 PM
It's a five minute walk from my house to the local pub, but a fifty minute walk back.


The difference is staggering.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 11, 2020, 02:23:51 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on September 10, 2020, 10:55:10 PM
It's a five minute walk from my house to the local pub, but a fifty minute walk back.


The difference is staggering.

Nicked!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on September 11, 2020, 06:21:46 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 11, 2020, 02:23:51 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on September 10, 2020, 10:55:10 PM
It's a five minute walk from my house to the local pub, but a fifty minute walk back.


The difference is staggering.

Nicked!

Double nickers!  :thumbsup: I got it from another forum. I :lol: when I saw it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on September 12, 2020, 12:04:20 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on September 11, 2020, 06:21:46 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 11, 2020, 02:23:51 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on September 10, 2020, 10:55:10 PM
It's a five minute walk from my house to the local pub, but a fifty minute walk back.


The difference is staggering.

Nicked!

Double nickers!  :thumbsup: I got it from another forum. I :lol: when I saw it.
I groaned and then smiled. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 12, 2020, 09:59:23 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on September 11, 2020, 06:21:46 PM
Quote from: Tank on September 11, 2020, 02:23:51 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on September 10, 2020, 10:55:10 PM
It's a five minute walk from my house to the local pub, but a fifty minute walk back.


The difference is staggering.

Nicked!

Double nickers!  :thumbsup: I got it from another forum. I :lol: when I saw it.

It went down well :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on September 14, 2020, 09:58:51 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on September 10, 2020, 10:55:10 PM
It's a five minute walk from my house to the local pub, but a fifty minute walk back.


The difference is staggering.

:picard facepalm:  :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on September 19, 2020, 09:05:58 PM
When the person who invented USB dies, they'll start to lower him into the ground, lift the coffin, turn it around, and then lower it again.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on September 28, 2020, 12:48:52 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on September 19, 2020, 09:05:58 PM
When the person who invented USB dies, they'll start to lower him into the ground, lift the coffin, turn it around, and then lower it again.

Just what that person deserves for making countless others suffer. :teadrink:

Though, perhaps more realistically, they will start to lower him into the ground, lift the coffin, turn it around, lower it again, lift it again and turn it around once more before finally lowering the coffin a final time.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on September 28, 2020, 12:59:32 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on September 28, 2020, 12:48:52 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on September 19, 2020, 09:05:58 PM
When the person who invented USB dies, they'll start to lower him into the ground, lift the coffin, turn it around, and then lower it again.

Just what that person deserves for making countless others suffer. :teadrink:

Though, perhaps more realistically, they will start to lower him into the ground, lift the coffin, turn it around, lower it again, lift it again and turn it around once more before finally lowering the coffin a final time.
:lol: So true!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on September 28, 2020, 02:42:19 AM
Quote from: Randy on September 28, 2020, 12:59:32 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on September 28, 2020, 12:48:52 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on September 19, 2020, 09:05:58 PM
When the person who invented USB dies, they'll start to lower him into the ground, lift the coffin, turn it around, and then lower it again.

Just what that person deserves for making countless others suffer. :teadrink:

Though, perhaps more realistically, they will start to lower him into the ground, lift the coffin, turn it around, lower it again, lift it again and turn it around once more before finally lowering the coffin a final time.
:lol: So true!

:lol: But you both left out the "Dammit, which way does this thing go in!?".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on September 28, 2020, 09:47:02 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/iV31ynQ.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/8nGfPcd.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on September 28, 2020, 11:19:37 PM
A man is headed home home, he gets stuck in traffic. After about 10 minutes, there is a knock on his window. He rolls it down:

Driver: "What's going on?"

Stranger: "A terrorist group has seized the first family. They are demanding 500 million dollars, or they will douse them in gasoline, and set them on fire we are accepting donations."

Driver: "How much is everyone donating? "

Stranger: "About 1/2 a gallon."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 29, 2020, 05:41:17 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on September 28, 2020, 09:47:02 PM

(https://i.imgur.com/8nGfPcd.jpg)

:snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on September 29, 2020, 08:24:01 AM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on September 29, 2020, 12:55:40 PM
Putin and Trump are flying across Russia on a plane.

Putin: If I throw down a 10 ruble bill, I would make a Russian happy.

Trump: that's nothing! If I throw down a ten dollar bill, I would make a whole Russian family happy.

Pilot: If I crashed this plane, I would make the whole world happy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on September 29, 2020, 04:03:44 PM
It would be even funnier if it weren't so true. :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on October 01, 2020, 09:54:05 PM
Q:  where do you take someone who is seriously injured playing peekaboo?




A: ICU


Yes, it's infantile.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on October 02, 2020, 12:51:04 AM
Two sardines are swimming along minding their own business when suddenly one sees a submarine. The first sardine says to the second sardine, "Hey, wadda ya know, canned people!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on October 23, 2020, 01:16:10 AM
beep beep!

(https://i.imgur.com/BueGqat.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 23, 2020, 01:29:32 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 23, 2020, 01:16:10 AM
beep beep!

(https://i.imgur.com/BueGqat.jpg)

:lol: So fast the plank captured and trapped his soul!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on October 23, 2020, 02:49:22 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on October 23, 2020, 01:29:32 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 23, 2020, 01:16:10 AM
beep beep!

(https://i.imgur.com/BueGqat.jpg)

:lol: So fast the plank captured and trapped his soul!

:lol: One can actually find things like this in wood all the time. I've cut into planks and found "owl's faces" many times. If you look to the left in the picture, you can see where a distorted version of the "ostrich" is in another board. All kinds of interesting things show up in wood.

Or maybe that second board a sloth that fell out of a tree. They sure as hell don't go fast any other way.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 23, 2020, 05:21:06 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 23, 2020, 01:16:10 AM
beep beep!

(https://i.imgur.com/BueGqat.jpg)

:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on November 08, 2020, 12:37:24 AM
Q: Why can't Trump continue to live in the White House?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 08, 2020, 01:34:29 AM
Some smarty pants sign makers are using banners to spell: By-Don.  (smile). 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on November 08, 2020, 03:10:09 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on November 08, 2020, 12:37:24 AM
Q: Why can't Trump continue to live in the White House?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

That was good. Did you think of it yourself?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 08, 2020, 05:51:39 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on November 08, 2020, 12:37:24 AM
Q: Why can't Trump continue to live in the White House?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Ha!
:rimshot:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on November 29, 2020, 12:36:37 PM
Quote from: Randy on November 08, 2020, 03:10:09 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on November 08, 2020, 12:37:24 AM
Q: Why can't Trump continue to live in the White House?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

That was good. Did you think of it yourself?

No, my sense of humour isn't that elaborate! :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on November 29, 2020, 09:51:39 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/eZWh0Td.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on November 29, 2020, 10:16:06 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on November 29, 2020, 09:51:39 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/eZWh0Td.jpg)

:rofl: Sad but true!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on November 30, 2020, 12:37:01 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on November 29, 2020, 09:51:39 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/eZWh0Td.jpg)
Spot on, DL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 12, 2020, 12:58:05 AM
(https://scontent.fpoa27-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/130959244_1141482256283648_744294366001871412_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&ccb=2&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=-_zlVKnnc7UAX9iIz5-&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa27-1.fna&oh=d14638a2efd9ce69a9809312285ecbd5&oe=5FFAE50C)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 26, 2020, 09:07:20 PM
(https://imagizer.imageshack.com/img922/2831/HEjmJo.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on December 27, 2020, 03:21:37 AM
 :rofl: :this:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 27, 2020, 04:29:28 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 26, 2020, 09:07:20 PM
(https://imagizer.imageshack.com/img922/2831/HEjmJo.jpg)

I don't think I get the joke.  :-[
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2020, 05:05:36 PM
Man with a male chicken beside him makes a wish at a wishing well. The male chicken grows to an enormous size. The man is upset as this is not quite what he wanted.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 27, 2020, 05:10:15 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 27, 2020, 05:05:36 PM
Man with a male chicken beside him makes a wish at a wishing well. The male chicken grows to an enormous size. The man is upset as this is not quite what he wanted.

Ah...ok. I think I get it now.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on December 27, 2020, 05:36:51 PM
Should I worry that I got it immediately?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2020, 06:11:47 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on December 27, 2020, 05:36:51 PM
Should I worry that I got it immediately?

It was expected :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on December 28, 2020, 12:45:44 AM
Quote from: Tank on December 27, 2020, 06:11:47 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on December 27, 2020, 05:36:51 PM
Should I worry that I got it immediately?

It was expected :D
I got it quickly which surprised me. I usually expect one like this to stump me for a bit. I guess my mind is further in the gutter than I thought. :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on December 28, 2020, 01:25:06 AM
Quote from: Randy on December 28, 2020, 12:45:44 AM
Quote from: Tank on December 27, 2020, 06:11:47 PM
Quote from: hermes2015 on December 27, 2020, 05:36:51 PM
Should I worry that I got it immediately?

It was expected :D
I got it quickly which surprised me. I usually expect one like this to stump me for a bit. I guess my mind is further in the gutter than I thought. :grin:

Pick yours up and let mine float by.  ;D It did actually take me looking at it twice to get it, though.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on December 28, 2020, 03:06:14 AM
My not inconsiderable entire body is taking up a lot of space in that gutter.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 28, 2020, 07:37:52 AM
I am the gutter.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 02, 2021, 06:47:58 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on December 27, 2020, 04:29:28 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 26, 2020, 09:07:20 PM
(https://imagizer.imageshack.com/img922/2831/HEjmJo.jpg)

I don't think I get the joke.  :-[

OMG I GET IT NOW! IT'S A COCK!  :d'oh!:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 02, 2021, 07:56:43 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on January 02, 2021, 06:47:58 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on December 27, 2020, 04:29:28 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 26, 2020, 09:07:20 PM
...

I don't think I get the joke.  :-[

OMG I GET IT NOW! IT'S A COCK!  :d'oh!:

He got what he wished for. A massive cock! :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 02, 2021, 08:02:03 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 02, 2021, 07:56:43 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on January 02, 2021, 06:47:58 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on December 27, 2020, 04:29:28 PM
Quote from: Tank on December 26, 2020, 09:07:20 PM
...

I don't think I get the joke.  :-[

OMG I GET IT NOW! IT'S A COCK!  :d'oh!:

He got what he wished for. A massive cock! :rofl:

:rofl:

(It seemed like such an odd joke to me before I remembered that a male chicken is also called a cock! :d'oh!: :lol:)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 02, 2021, 08:04:23 PM
When you get it you get it. The joke I mean!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 02, 2021, 08:11:44 PM
Quote from: Tank on January 02, 2021, 08:04:23 PM
When you get it you get it. The joke I mean!

:snicker:

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on January 02, 2021, 08:55:35 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/qBOqzyp.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on January 04, 2021, 12:23:32 AM
I just spent some time looking at naked chicks with guns at a shooting forum.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on January 04, 2021, 03:32:15 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on January 04, 2021, 12:23:32 AM
I just spent some time looking at naked chicks with guns at a shooting forum.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

I'm smiling. The picture, even with the guns, is cute. But I can imagine a whole range of chicks shooting at targets. I'm chuckling at the thought. :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bad Penny II on January 04, 2021, 08:44:00 AM
They aren't naked!
They've got downy feathers on. >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 06, 2021, 01:24:26 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on January 04, 2021, 12:23:32 AM
I just spent some time looking at naked chicks with guns at a shooting forum.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


I knew it! :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on January 09, 2021, 10:55:51 AM
Oooo, OooOOoOooO, I have a good one!  :oooh-me!:



Q: What's the difference between Trump and a shepherd? :notsure:

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on January 10, 2021, 03:43:46 AM
One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump."

The Marine repeated, "Sir, as I told you yesterday, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him again and just walked away.

On the third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine. "I would like to go in and meet with president trump."

The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to trump and I've told you each time that he's no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2021, 09:45:13 AM
:rofl: And stolen!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 02, 2021, 04:06:33 PM
(https://scontent.fpoa1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/145268075_1054471608369766_1004770375006094290_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=2&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_eui2=AeGh_Gv3oEWEHOBKj1iYpNymP33jhaB63Iw_feOFoHrcjPuCCOTV4zLvpl7PeKQRcqiSaMj1hsZFIeridLBv0BKA&_nc_ohc=8rYq_ZW2BkQAX-J9nKD&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa1-1.fna&oh=5a82f675f085e2f3b4f47c3367f84cb6&oe=603ED79B)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on February 16, 2021, 08:03:34 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/iUDDmGF.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on February 16, 2021, 08:07:47 PM
Young cowboy walks into a greasy spoon diner and has a seat. He sees an old cowboy sitting very still, staring down at his bowl of chili. After a bit, he asks the older cowboy if he's going to eat that chili or not. Older cowboy says no, and the younger cowboy reaches over and commences to chowing down. He gets close to the bottom of the bowl and finds a dead rat. He promptly vomits all the chili back into the bowl. The older cowboy says, "That's how far I got, too!".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on February 17, 2021, 01:40:22 AM
my grandfather's brother was a cowboy in new mexico. i remember a stoory about how they were eating dinner in some mexican cantina and there was guy stone cold drunk eating a bowl of beans. apparently the flies were large and numerous and the size and shape f the beans and would cover the spoon every time he lifted it to his mouth, and so he kept on shoveling beans, and flies, until both were gone

fun times in the borderlands
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 19, 2021, 06:30:23 PM
How do fish get high?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on February 22, 2021, 11:32:24 PM
A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.


At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car in Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approached the car to get a closer look. Then he saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window. The young man lowered his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop asked, "What are you doing?" The young man said, "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer asked, "And, her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!
He asked, "What's your age, young man?"
The young man said, "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asked, "And her, what's her age?"
The young man looked at his watch and replied, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on February 23, 2021, 02:09:11 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on February 22, 2021, 11:32:24 PM
A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.


At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car in Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approached the car to get a closer look. Then he saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window. The young man lowered his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop asked, "What are you doing?" The young man said, "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer asked, "And, her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!
He asked, "What's your age, young man?"
The young man said, "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asked, "And her, what's her age?"
The young man looked at his watch and replied, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
:lol: Good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on February 23, 2021, 01:06:09 PM
A guy breaks his arm and goes to the doctor, the doctor says ok, I need a urine sample before I can fix your arm, so he goes home and tells his wife, she says that's crazy, she says I'll pee in the bottle that'll teach your stupid doctor, he says hey, I could put some engine oil in it, she says great why don't you jerk off in it too.

He goes back to the doctor with his messed up sample.

The doctor looks at, smells it, then even takes a small sip.

The guys looking pretty smug knowing this quack hadn't got a clue what he's doing.

The doctor says well your cars fucked, your wife's pregnant and if you don't stop jerking off, your arm will never get better.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 26, 2021, 01:58:59 AM
Got this from FB:

A priest, a Baptist minister and an rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood. The nurse asks, "What's your blood type?"
The rabbit replied, "I'm probably a Type O."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 26, 2021, 02:06:27 AM
^  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 26, 2021, 02:10:34 AM
Quote from: Icarus on February 26, 2021, 02:06:27 AM
^  ::)

:grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on February 26, 2021, 03:01:24 AM
Cute! I loves me some puns!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bad Penny II on February 26, 2021, 10:14:12 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on February 26, 2021, 01:58:59 AM
Got this from FB:

A priest, a Baptist minister and an rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood. The nurse asks, "What's your blood type?"
The rabbit replied, "I'm probably a Type O."

I feel sorry for that rabbit.
A human with such an existential situation would make whinging and moaning about it their life's work.
Sorry rabbit, you don't need my pity, I understand that now, you're a frood who knows where his towel is.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on February 28, 2021, 01:46:58 PM
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries. "I want a MEATIER shower!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 28, 2021, 01:54:31 PM
Quote from: Randy on February 28, 2021, 01:46:58 PM
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries. "I want a MEATIER shower!"

:lol:

Here are the three:

(https://scontent.fpoa1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/154325258_10158399671047982_7914988678454903984_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&ccb=3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_eui2=AeHs4F2UqPkBa-Xg6_s_A0-Q43VQaZm2fc7jdVBpmbZ9zmZqDqADL7mWfXINbSQOYlcghFVB2oXrLLWB-BroebGW&_nc_ohc=qXsYlwjJkSYAX9uP9e-&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa1-1.fna&oh=1f093a91bcfae288c46643412ec28623&oe=6061F32A)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on February 28, 2021, 02:06:29 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dumpaday.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2021%2F02%2Fz-dumpaday-memes-369.jpg&hash=4fdc812ed831b1a44b557143550eaced37d1eb65)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 28, 2021, 11:54:08 PM
Quote from: No one on February 28, 2021, 02:06:29 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dumpaday.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2021%2F02%2Fz-dumpaday-memes-369.jpg&hash=4fdc812ed831b1a44b557143550eaced37d1eb65)

Oh my. :watching:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on March 01, 2021, 04:02:02 AM
:lol: You know, I just have to laugh when I see things like this. It reminds me of a TV show in the '60s, called "My Favorite Martian". in one of the episodes, the earthling had gone on a date at a restaurant, and the salad was slopped all over him. Well, the Martian was telepathic, so he knew what had happened. He was laughing while (having read the earthling's mind) that his date "must have tossed his salad". I was a kid at the time, and I don't remember if my parents laughed at the line. Well, just my mother, because my dad worked 2nd shift at a factory, so he wouldn't have been there.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on March 01, 2021, 05:13:41 AM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on February 28, 2021, 01:54:31 PM
Quote from: Randy on February 28, 2021, 01:46:58 PM
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries. "I want a MEATIER shower!"

:lol:

Here are the three:

(https://scontent.fpoa1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/154325258_10158399671047982_7914988678454903984_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&ccb=3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_eui2=AeHs4F2UqPkBa-Xg6_s_A0-Q43VQaZm2fc7jdVBpmbZ9zmZqDqADL7mWfXINbSQOYlcghFVB2oXrLLWB-BroebGW&_nc_ohc=qXsYlwjJkSYAX9uP9e-&_nc_ht=scontent.fpoa1-1.fna&oh=1f093a91bcfae288c46643412ec28623&oe=6061F32A)
That's funny! :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on March 06, 2021, 02:14:41 PM
(https://scontent-frx5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p180x540/156002562_1897322580422465_6855127304722809506_o.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=vXt48DGNNH0AX_OBpyc&_nc_ht=scontent-frx5-1.xx&tp=6&oh=1dfdd852929fa3f4ae1e06aa48aa71e7&oe=6069E453)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on March 06, 2021, 04:43:12 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on March 06, 2021, 02:14:41 PM
(https://scontent-frx5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p180x540/156002562_1897322580422465_6855127304722809506_o.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=vXt48DGNNH0AX_OBpyc&_nc_ht=scontent-frx5-1.xx&tp=6&oh=1dfdd852929fa3f4ae1e06aa48aa71e7&oe=6069E453)
Sad but true. :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on March 10, 2021, 02:43:09 PM
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of kiling it. Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. Turns out he's a web designer.

Oops. "killing", not "killed"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on March 10, 2021, 02:45:48 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on March 10, 2021, 02:43:09 PM
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killed it. Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. Turns out he's a web designer.

:boaterhat:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on March 10, 2021, 04:53:14 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on March 10, 2021, 02:43:09 PM
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of kiling it. Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. Turns out he's a web designer.

Oops. "killing", not "killed"

I used this one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on March 10, 2021, 07:17:20 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on March 10, 2021, 02:43:09 PM
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of kiling it. Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. Turns out he's a web designer.

Oops. "killing", not "killed"

Ha!  :lol:
Good one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on March 11, 2021, 03:01:03 PM
What has two butts and kills people?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on March 11, 2021, 03:27:48 PM
What's at the bottom of the ocean and trembles??


Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 11, 2021, 04:32:37 PM
Quote from: No one on March 11, 2021, 03:27:48 PM
What's at the bottom of the ocean and trembles??


Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


I was telling that one at primary school over 55 years ago!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on March 11, 2021, 04:59:10 PM
You don't look a day over 21.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on March 13, 2021, 11:43:04 PM
A mother had three children, two girls and a boy.

One day one of the girls asked her mother how she got her name. She replied, "When you were born a daisy fell on your head so we named you Daisy."

Satisfied with that answer she runs off to play when her second daughter comes up asking the same question. Her mother's reply was, "When you were born a rose fell on your head so we named you Rose."

Satisfied with that answer she also runs off to play when her son approaches. He looks at his mother and says, "Bluh gibble koo." His mother replied, "Shut up Brick!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 21, 2021, 01:21:42 AM
If the Earth is round then why is it called Plane-t and not Round-t? Hmm? Checkmate, rounders!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on March 21, 2021, 02:41:19 AM

(https://i.imgur.com/9B5Hfakl.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on April 04, 2021, 02:04:15 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/OijCEFU.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 04, 2021, 06:17:15 PM
A good use of Photoshop!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on April 04, 2021, 08:00:06 PM
:shrug: I stole it from someone, too!  :D I wouldn't be able 'shop that to save my life!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 12, 2021, 11:34:10 PM
Young kid in the old west aspired to be the fastest gun/  He walked into a bar where and old man with a reputation for being a fast gun was drinking beer,  The kid approaches the old man and asked for advice.  old  man:  Tie your holster down lower on your leg.  The kid did that and proceeded to shoot the bow tie off the piano player.  Approaching the old man for more advice he asked for more.  The old man told him to cut a notch in his holster where the hammer rests. That lets the gun come out of the holster without hanging up on the hammer.  The kid did that and shot a cuff link off the piano player.  Once again the kid approaches the old man.  The old guy said: see that pot of axle grease over there? Yes. Go wipe that grease on your gun.  The kid wiped the barrel of his gun with grease....the old man said no, wipe it on the handle too., The kids asks why.  The old man said that piano player is Wyatt Earp and he is going to jam that gun up your ass.  It wont hurt as much if it is greased a lot.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on April 13, 2021, 12:23:28 AM
:rofl:

(https://i.imgur.com/2nVWJJq.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on April 14, 2021, 04:34:37 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on April 13, 2021, 12:23:28 AM
:rofl:

(https://i.imgur.com/2nVWJJq.jpg)
I'm a little dense here. I don't understand the joke. :(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bad Penny II on April 14, 2021, 06:58:57 AM
Quote from: Randy on April 14, 2021, 04:34:37 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on April 13, 2021, 12:23:28 AM
:rofl:

(https://i.imgur.com/2nVWJJq.jpg)
I'm a little dense here. I don't understand the joke. :(

What is the common characteristic of TRex that people joke about?
It goes at least as far back as Toy Story.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on April 14, 2021, 08:50:47 PM
Quote from: Bad Penny II on April 14, 2021, 06:58:57 AM
Quote from: Randy on April 14, 2021, 04:34:37 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on April 13, 2021, 12:23:28 AM
:rofl:

(https://i.imgur.com/2nVWJJq.jpg)
I'm a little dense here. I don't understand the joke. :(

What is the common characteristic of TRex that people joke about?
It goes at least as far back as Toy Story.
Ah, I understand now. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on April 16, 2021, 02:46:46 AM
ive never seen toy story
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on April 16, 2021, 03:41:28 AM
[joke ruination] T Rex has such short arms that it can only paint a stripe on a building. [/joke ruination]
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on April 19, 2021, 12:16:21 AM
"I asked my daughter to give me a phone book. She laughed at me, called me a boomer and lent me her iPhone. So, the spider is dead, her iPhone is broken and my daughter is furious...."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 19, 2021, 01:38:54 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 19, 2021, 11:11:54 PM
 ^^ :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Randy on April 20, 2021, 01:31:36 AM
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 22, 2021, 09:47:06 AM
Hairdresser: How would you like your hair done?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 22, 2021, 09:49:54 AM
Why did police arrest the turkey?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 22, 2021, 09:54:53 AM
Knock, knock!
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on June 15, 2021, 11:38:37 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 22, 2021, 09:54:53 AM
Knock, knock!
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Shouldn't you be banned for that?? ::)


(https://i.imgur.com/8aHG76g.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on July 30, 2021, 04:05:14 PM
What is greater than enchiladas?

n+1chiladas :rimshot:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on August 01, 2021, 02:45:30 AM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on June 15, 2021, 11:38:37 PM
Quote from: Tank on May 22, 2021, 09:54:53 AM
Knock, knock!
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Shouldn't you be banned for that?? ::)


(https://i.imgur.com/8aHG76g.png)

That would suck so fuckin bad.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bluenose on August 18, 2021, 01:24:06 AM
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely fuck-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."

Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 18, 2021, 03:11:07 AM
Quote from: Bluenose on August 18, 2021, 01:24:06 AM
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely fuck-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."

Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 18, 2021, 03:59:42 AM
Thanks a plenty Bluenose.,. I have not had that good a laugh in a long time.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 18, 2021, 11:33:11 PM
Today I went and got my 8th vaccine shot!!


(https://i.imgur.com/xqfM8Zl.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 19, 2021, 12:24:14 AM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 18, 2021, 11:33:11 PM
Today I went and got my 8th vaccine shot!!


(https://i.imgur.com/xqfM8Zl.jpg)
PB, you have "girl arms."
--Just saying.  :reading:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 19, 2021, 12:51:36 AM
:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on August 19, 2021, 04:10:36 AM
She wouldn't be able to find my vein.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bad Penny II on August 19, 2021, 10:10:58 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on August 19, 2021, 04:10:36 AM
She wouldn't be able to find my vein.

I don't think you're supposed to poke it in a vein.
Though, I suppose people have their own preferences re poking.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on August 19, 2021, 11:28:14 AM
Quote from: Bad Penny II on August 19, 2021, 10:10:58 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on August 19, 2021, 04:10:36 AM
She wouldn't be able to find my vein.

I don't think you're supposed to poke it in a vein.
Though, I suppose people have their own preferences re poking.

:)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 19, 2021, 06:09:53 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 19, 2021, 12:24:14 AM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 18, 2021, 11:33:11 PM
Today I went and got my 8th vaccine shot!!


(https://i.imgur.com/xqfM8Zl.jpg)
PB, you have "girl arms."
--Just saying.  :reading:

Thanks Mags, that's quite a nice compliment....I agree by the way, my arms are just like Simone's!!

(https://i.imgur.com/NmQ1xwv.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 19, 2021, 06:35:13 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 19, 2021, 06:09:53 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 19, 2021, 12:24:14 AM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 18, 2021, 11:33:11 PM
Today I went and got my 8th vaccine shot!!


(https://i.imgur.com/xqfM8Zl.jpg)
PB, you have "girl arms."
--Just saying.  :reading:

Thanks Mags, that's quite a nice compliment...I agree, by the way, my arms are just like Simone's!!

(https://i.imgur.com/NmQ1xwv.jpg)

But...but...you've changed, a lot. Remember that picture of you that you sent me the other day?  :headscratch:
(https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/NINTCHDBPICT000478621609.jpg)
:worried: Maybe 8 shots did something to your arm.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 19, 2021, 09:36:41 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 19, 2021, 06:35:13 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 19, 2021, 06:09:53 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 19, 2021, 12:24:14 AM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 18, 2021, 11:33:11 PM
Today I went and got my 8th vaccine shot!!


(https://i.imgur.com/xqfM8Zl.jpg)
PB, you have "girl arms."
--Just saying.  :reading:

Thanks Mags, that's quite a nice compliment...I agree, by the way, my arms are just like Simone's!!

(https://i.imgur.com/NmQ1xwv.jpg)

But...but...you've changed, a lot. Remember that picture of you that you sent me the other day?  :headscratch:
(https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/NINTCHDBPICT000478621609.jpg)
:worried: Maybe 8 shots did something to your arm.

(https://i.imgur.com/l2KQH2B.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 19, 2021, 09:52:48 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 19, 2021, 09:36:41 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 19, 2021, 06:35:13 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 19, 2021, 06:09:53 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on August 19, 2021, 12:24:14 AM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 18, 2021, 11:33:11 PM
Today I went and got my 8th vaccine shot!!


(https://i.imgur.com/xqfM8Zl.jpg)
PB, you have "girl arms."
--Just saying.  :reading:

Thanks Mags, that's quite a nice compliment...I agree, by the way, my arms are just like Simone's!!

(https://i.imgur.com/NmQ1xwv.jpg)

But...but...you've changed, a lot. Remember that picture of you that you sent me the other day?  :headscratch:
(https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/NINTCHDBPICT000478621609.jpg)
:worried: Maybe 8 shots did something to your arm.

(https://i.imgur.com/l2KQH2B.jpg)
Maybe.  :reading:



You're so...pinkalicious.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on August 26, 2021, 01:34:16 AM
If you don't get this you're not allowed in the club!
8)
(https://i.imgur.com/OO9GSqU.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 26, 2021, 02:36:24 AM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 26, 2021, 01:34:16 AM
If you don't get this you're not allowed in the club!
8)
(https://i.imgur.com/OO9GSqU.jpg)

:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 26, 2021, 03:50:26 AM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on August 26, 2021, 01:34:16 AM
If you don't get this you're not allowed in the club!
8)
(https://i.imgur.com/OO9GSqU.jpg)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.themarketingsage.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2015%2F11%2Fthe-rise-and-rise-of-hcps-social-networks-focus-on-gcc-region-35-638.jpg&hash=a7e89d39e7a79263f74fa8f0b7b1d1e58ca69bcb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 26, 2021, 03:51:07 AM
(https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/animals-butterfly-midlife-bug-bugs-caterpillars-nfkn2103_low.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on August 26, 2021, 06:19:53 AM
Why can't Mrs. Piggy count to 100?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


What's better than roses on your piano?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
   
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 26, 2021, 07:09:24 AM
Quote from: No one on August 26, 2021, 06:19:53 AM
Why can't Mrs. Piggy count to 100?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Quote from: No one on August 26, 2021, 06:19:53 AM
What's better than roses on your piano?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 09, 2021, 07:04:46 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/cGc9cu4.jpg)


(https://i.imgur.com/y2uFzIX.jpg)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 09, 2021, 07:37:02 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on September 09, 2021, 07:04:46 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/y2uFzIX.jpg)

:snicker:
We should also add a bra to that bench.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 11, 2021, 03:47:03 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/6LyWh7U.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 14, 2021, 01:26:29 PM
Liam the Irishman needed to loose some weight, so he went to see his doctor who immediately put him on a diet. The doctor's instructions for Liam were as follows.

"Liam, I want you to eat regularly for two days, and then skip a day, then eat regularly for two days, and then skip a day...keep repeating this for two weeks."
"If you follow these instructions exactly by the time you return to see me in two weeks you should have lost at least five pounds," said the doctor, "Do you understand?"
"Aye Doc, I understand, thank ye," replied Liam.

Liam returns to the doctor after two weeks have passed, and the doctor is shocked to discover that Liam has already lost close to 60lbs. "That's amazing!" the doctor exclaimed, "Did you follow my instructions?"
Liam nodded in agreement, and said, 'I'll tell you though, be all the saints, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day!"
"You mean from the hunger?" as the doctor.
"No, exclaimed Liam, "From all the bloody skipping!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on September 14, 2021, 10:29:16 PM
my favorite joke teller has just died

https://www.google.com/search?q=norm+macdonald+funniestjoke+intbeworld&client=ms-android-verizon&biw=827&bih=241&tbm=vid&ei=zRBBYZiyLaDj5NoP78qm8AE&oq=norm+macdonald+funniestjoke+intbeworld&gs_lcp=ChBtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXZpZGVvEAMyBwghEAoQoAEyBQghEKsCMgUIIRCrAjoFCAAQxAI6BQgAEM0COgIIKToFCCEQoAE6BQgAEIAEOgYIABAWEB46CwgAEIAEELEDEIMBOgQIABANOggIABAIEA0QHjoGCAAQDRAeOgcIIRAKEKsCOgoIIRAWEAoQHRAeOgQIHhAKUOj8G1iAlB1g2p4daAdwAHgAgAGRAogB1iWSAQYwLjI5LjOYAQCgAQGqARBtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXZpZGVvwAEB&sclient=mobile-gws-video#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:a1a42693,vid:n3LMSflEN54,st:0

old macdonanald
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 19, 2021, 05:09:30 PM
The first one is hilarious!

(https://i.imgur.com/2tLQvQs.jpg)


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on September 19, 2021, 05:29:35 PM
why should you never go drinking if you wear a monocle?


Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on September 19, 2021, 05:48:40 PM
I have the same hates. Fortunately, I don't own a handgun.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 22, 2021, 08:17:35 PM
A man walks into a bar, and as he is about to sit down he pulls out a 12 inch little man, along with a tiny piano, and sets both the man and the piano onto the bar.
The little 12 inch man adjusts his seating (There is also a tiny little bench), and begins beautifully playing the piano...as the bartender is taking the man's order he can't help, but glance down at the little man playing piano, and says to the man, "Um, excuse me, but where in the hell is this little piano man from? I've never seen anything like this in my life!"

The man looks at the bartender, and nonchalantly says, "There is a Genie outside of your bar on the sidewalk granting wishes to anyone who'll asks him"

The bartender immediately runs out the door. After several minutes there emits an extremely loud, strange and continuous noise coming from outside the bar, and then the door slams open, and hundreds of ducks start running into the bar, quacking and just making a nuisance of themselves....the bartender runs in, dodging the ducks as he finds the man with the pianist still sitting at the bar, and he yells, "Why didn't you tell me the Genie is hard of hearing, I wished for a million buck's, and now there are a million Ducks milling around outside, this is crazy"!!

The man sets his drink down, looks up at the bartender and says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 22, 2021, 11:19:55 PM
^^^
:picard facepalm:

I'll be sure to NOT ask the Genie to get rid of my angina!  :worried:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on September 22, 2021, 11:39:50 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on September 22, 2021, 11:19:55 PM
^^^
:picard facepalm:

I'll be sure to NOT ask the Genie to get rid of my angina!  :worried:

Two good ones in a row!!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 23, 2021, 03:14:04 PM
A farmer drives over to his neighbor's farmhouse, and knocks on the door.
A young boy around 9 years old named Johnny answers the door, and say's hello to the farmer.
"Is your mom or dad home Johnny?" asks the farmer.
"No, replies Johnny, they went into town this morning".
"How about your brother Jack, is Jack home"?
"No, Jack went into town with our parents."
The farmer stands there silently for a few moments, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself. So Johhny, wanting to be helpful says, "I know were all the tools are if you need to borrow one, I'll just let my Dad know what you took when he gets back home"
"Thanks Johhny, that's kind of you to offer", says the farmer somewhat uncomforbably, "but I really wanted to speak to your father about your brother Jack getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
Johhny thinks for a few minutes, and then tells the farmer, "Yeah you'll definitely have to speak to my father about that. I mean I know he charges $500 for the bulls, and about $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea what he charges for Jack". ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on September 27, 2021, 12:47:07 PM
So my niece the jokester told a new one yesterday:

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


She's come a long way since her first attempts. :lol: I'm so proud! :grin:

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 27, 2021, 04:19:18 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on September 27, 2021, 12:47:07 PM
So my niece the jokester told a new one yesterday:

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


She's come a long way since her first attempts. :lol: I'm so proud! :grin:

:snicker: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on September 27, 2021, 08:01:02 PM
Quote from: xSilverPhinx on September 27, 2021, 12:47:07 PM
So my niece the jokester told a new one yesterday:

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


She's come a long way since her first attempts. :lol: I'm so proud! :grin:

That's nice,...so I guess she takes after her Uncle? 8)


By the way everyone, the most gullible element is easily lead.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on September 29, 2021, 04:13:55 PM
 ;D

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on September 29, 2021, 06:09:04 PM
What do you call a dog with no legs?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on September 29, 2021, 10:13:34 PM
(https://i.redd.it/5gpfxfb6teq71.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 29, 2021, 10:59:43 PM
You guys are funny.  :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on October 02, 2021, 05:15:03 PM
Reasons not to pick a fight with an old man-


1. If you win the fight, you just beat up an old man.  ::)


2. If you lose, you just got beat up by an old man.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on October 02, 2021, 07:04:27 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 02, 2021, 05:15:03 PM
Reasons not to pick a fight with an old man-


1. If you win the fight, you just beat up an old man.  ::)


2. If you lose, you just got beat up by an old man.   ;D

I am old, but I can lick any man in this joint.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on October 02, 2021, 07:42:58 PM
:lol: With one hand behind your back, yet!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on October 18, 2021, 05:36:10 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/luSnI20.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 20, 2021, 12:28:26 AM
When I was young, and in college I was unsure what type of career I should pursue, for a while I even considered becoming a lawyer. I was also quite involved for some time with boxing, as I used to belong to a local gym here in Detroit. I wasn't that good of a boxer, but some folks thought I might make a good manager.

So I was unsure what to do, either become a lawyer, or a manager of prize fighters.

Basically I had to choose between briefs or boxers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on October 20, 2021, 12:57:31 AM
do youhave kids?

because that was a dad joke
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 20, 2021, 03:02:05 PM
Quote from: billy rubin on October 20, 2021, 12:57:31 AM
do youhave kids?

because that was a dad joke

Yes, a daughter and son.

It's a pun, heck even Shakespeare used puns in his writing,  for example, the opening lines of Richard III – 'Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York' where the speaker, Richard, is referring to himself, a son of the house of York.
Of course I'm not Shakespeare...Dad jokes/puns, are the simplest and easiest way to get a laugh. They are safe, and no one will be offended by them, which is truly important....hell even eye rolls don't hurt.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 20, 2021, 05:24:31 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on October 20, 2021, 12:28:26 AM
When I was young, and in college I was unsure what type of career I should pursue, for a while I even considered becoming a lawyer. I was also quite involved for some time with boxing, as I used to belong to a local gym here in Detroit. I wasn't that good of a boxer, but some folks thought I might make a good manager.

So I was unsure what to do, either become a lawyer, or a manager of prize fighters.

Basically I had to choose between briefs or boxers.

Update:

Obviously I didn't become a lawyer, or a manager of prize fighters, I took a different route completely.

So instead of choosing briefs or boxers I decided to go commando,...and joined the army instead.  8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 20, 2021, 06:55:16 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on October 20, 2021, 05:24:31 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on October 20, 2021, 12:28:26 AM
When I was young, and in college I was unsure what type of career I should pursue, for a while I even considered becoming a lawyer. I was also quite involved for some time with boxing, as I used to belong to a local gym here in Detroit. I wasn't that good of a boxer, but some folks thought I might make a good manager.

So I was unsure what to do, either become a lawyer, or a manager of prize fighters.

Basically I had to choose between briefs or boxers.

Update:

Obviously I didn't become a lawyer, or a manager of prize fighters, I took a different route completely.

So instead of choosing briefs or boxers I decided to go commando,...and joined the army instead.  8)

Dios mio!
:picard facepalm:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 20, 2021, 07:41:45 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on October 20, 2021, 06:55:16 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on October 20, 2021, 05:24:31 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on October 20, 2021, 12:28:26 AM
When I was young, and in college I was unsure what type of career I should pursue, for a while I even considered becoming a lawyer. I was also quite involved for some time with boxing, as I used to belong to a local gym here in Detroit. I wasn't that good of a boxer, but some folks thought I might make a good manager.

So I was unsure what to do, either become a lawyer, or a manager of prize fighters.

Basically I had to choose between briefs or boxers.

Update:

Obviously I didn't become a lawyer, or a manager of prize fighters, I took a different route completely.

So instead of choosing briefs or boxers I decided to go commando,...and joined the army instead.  8)

Dios mio!
:picard facepalm:

That's a Papasito joke....get it?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on October 24, 2021, 04:43:49 PM
MAMA'S BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL 600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 24, 2021, 09:14:34 PM
^^^
:snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on October 25, 2021, 12:00:31 AM
that made me laugh, sitting right here.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bluenose on October 25, 2021, 02:43:27 AM
It was Captain's table and a large group of sailors were waiting to receive their doom for being late returning onboard. The Captain noticed that amongst the group was one Seaman Jones a notorious teller of outlandish excuses for being adrift.  The first sailor fronted and gave the excuse "well, I would have made it back on time, but my cart broke down when the donkey pulling it fell down dead on the way".  The Captain had never heard this excuse before so he let the sailor off with a warning to allow more time for unforeseen circumstances in future.  Then the second sailor gave the same excuse.  The Captain eyed Seaman Jones warily, but allowed the excuse.  The third sailor repeated the same story and by now the Captain was not having it and sentenced the sailor to 7 days extra duties.  And so it went, on and on, each sailor giving the same excuse and getting the consequent punishment.  Finally, the last sailor, Seaman Jones, came to the table.  The Captain said "I suppose you would have made it on time but your cart broke down..."  Jones interrupted "No Sir, sorry Sir, I was making good time when we came to a narrow part of the road that was blocked by a whole lot of dead donkeys!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on October 25, 2021, 02:10:57 PM
Nice.  He saved himself as well as others by confirming their lie.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 26, 2021, 02:50:59 PM
Does anyone here know which pronouns a chocolate bar goes by? Huh? Anyone?



Her/She
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on October 26, 2021, 04:17:06 PM
A little tame for a Papasito joke, but decent.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on October 26, 2021, 04:41:39 PM
What can be worse than getting arrested for indecent exposure?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on October 26, 2021, 04:53:25 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 26, 2021, 04:41:39 PM
What can be worse than getting arrested for indecent exposure?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Ha!  You win the coveted Papasito award for today.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 26, 2021, 05:36:03 PM
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on October 26, 2021, 04:53:25 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on October 26, 2021, 04:41:39 PM
What can be worse than getting arrested for indecent exposure?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Ha!  You win the coveted Papasito award for today.

I agree, that was really funny....so today's award definitely belongs to Dark Lightning, butt I shall return! 8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on October 27, 2021, 07:16:30 PM
During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a Rabbi, a Catholic priest, and an Atheist.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for a second time had no choice, but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the Atheist turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost, as if deep in thought. So the executioner poked him in the ribs, and asked him again, "what final words have you to say?"

"Oh, now I see your problem," the Atheist said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there, do you see it?...that's why the blade keeps stopping short!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on October 27, 2021, 07:52:48 PM
john and jane hill were travelling through transylvania on a vacation when they had a flat tire in the rental car. the spare was flat and there was no cell coverage

what;;ll we do said jane

i guess we walk john answerted

so they walked and walked, and the didnt see anybody, just woods and bleak and barren swampy places. then as it was getting towards dark jane sadid

look up there on top of that hhill is that an old castle

yes said john. it looks pretty ruinous but maybe theres a a caretaker. lets go see

so they walked up the narrow winding lane to the gates in the grwoing dark. the castle wasnt so ruinous after all, although it wasnt very friendly looking either. finally they came to a thick wooden door with a giant knocker on it in the shape of a huge bat

john reached up and swung the heavy knocker

BOOM

BOOM

BOOM

there was no response. then far away inside they could hear a sguffling sound, that got louder and louder and then they heard a heavy latch being turned, and then a bar being lifted behind the door.

the door creaked open heavily on its hinges, revealing a short man in a black cloak. he held a candle in one hand and peered out into the full darkness . john and jane hill could see he was bent over as if he was carrying a heavu wirght, and on his back there was a hump that explained his painful shuffling gait

yes? the man asked, looking at the hills with ssuspicious eyes

TO BE CONTINUED
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bad Penny II on October 28, 2021, 02:17:59 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/5vqYQ96.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on October 28, 2021, 11:34:29 PM
john hill said to the hunnchbacked man

we were driving up your valley and had a flat tire. do you have a telephone we can use to call for help

no telephone here. go away.

but its getting dark. is there anyway to contact anybody?

just then a deep rich voice called out from the shadows

igor! there is no need to be inhospitable. perhaps there is something we can do for our guests.

a tall pale man stepped into the light. his face was white as death itself, and he wor a high collared white shirt, and was wrapped in a dark black cape.

i am count bela gossi, the tall man said. and you are . . . ?

john an d jane hill. we were travelling . . .

yes, yes, i know. you are far from town up here. you must stay the night.

oh no said jane hill, we couldn't put you to that trouble

no, i must insist. igor, prepare a supper for our guests. i suggest the very best mushrooms. i shall join them in the dining room.

yes master, said igor and lurched off into the shadws.

now, mr and mrs hill, what brings you to my litle cornier of the woprld? we seldom see people from outside our valley, and guests approach my humble dwelling even less often. they appear to be somewhat, aha . . . reluctant . . .

we, said john hill, we were travelling on vacation and thought that thios was apossibly beautiful palce to explore.

yes yes, mr hil said count bela gossi. there is a great deal of history here. allow me to off you a tour of my family home . .

and so after a genial tour of the old castle, the hills and the count sat down to a dinner of mushrooms, attended by igor

let me tell you about the mushrooms of this valley, said the count

there are several types, but one variety is edible. all the others are deadly poisonous and cause immediate and inevitable death. they look the same to me, but luckily igor here has many years of experience in selecting the correct ones on his many trips to the forest. igor, tell the hills about ou r lovely mushrooms

igor looked up and began to speak

TO BE CONTINUED
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on October 29, 2021, 04:47:58 PM
no, said igor

i won't.

then he sat down

TO BE CONTINUED
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on October 30, 2021, 06:53:02 PM
(https://i.pinimg.com/736x/18/50/9f/18509f65e10fb8fa08af71ea5a815e53--wine-meme-wine-funnies.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on October 30, 2021, 07:04:16 PM
yes you will says the count

okay

so igor says

these masurooms are historically the famous regional dish of our little valley in transylvania. it is very important to distinguish the good mushrooms from the poisonous mushrooms.

whci are these asked jane hill

these are the good ones said igor

youre sure? said john hill

yes said igor

yes said the count

so john and jane tucked into the mushrooms

while igor and the count looked on dotingly

prsently they pitched ofrward and lay still, face down in their plates

igor, said count bela gossi

yes master?

these are the wrong mushrooms again

i tried very hard, master. i am exceedingly sorry. whatever can we do?

hurry them down to the laboratory. perhas theres time

so the dragged john and jane hill to a large wooden door, and thence down a long series of steps to a vast room with a high ceiling contain a huge skylight open to the night sky

put them on the tables, igor, said the count. and then attach the kites

THE KITES, MASTER, THE KITES!

they hooked up the kites and sailed them off into the night sky into the electrical storm

the thunder crashed and boomed and the lightning struck the kites, once, twice, three times!

igor and count bela gossi looked on at jonh and jane hill, who twitcherd with every strike but otherwise did not move.

another failure, igor. perhaps you have outlived your usefulness to me this time.

no master, please! cried igor.

i shall retire to the tower, said count bela. there i shall play my organ and think about your fate

igor was despondent. after a minute, the soound of melancholy music drifted down the steps from the high tower

TO BE CONTINUED

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on November 01, 2021, 12:22:24 AM
Billy, are you setting up a joke or just blowing smoke up our asses?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on November 01, 2021, 01:17:01 AM
its a really boring joke

i can only tell it in parts

i promise ill finish it up here in one go
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on November 02, 2021, 10:29:40 PM
NOW ALL HAS BEEN HEARD; HERE IS THE CONCLUSION OF THE MATTER

igor listened to the sad sound of the organ

and he wondered at the price he woud soon pay for his failure

he pulled up a stool, gazed the imert jonghn and jane hill, and sadly contemplated his sorry future.

after a moment he suddenly jerked to attention

the hills were stirring!!!!

he looked closely as the music wafted across the laboratory

john hill's foot was twitching, then his legs, then his whole body

. . . . and jane hill was wiggling her fingertips

as the music rose to a crescendo, higher and hight, the hills begane to wiggle and to struggle against their restarints

suddenly john hill's eyes jerked wide open, and he turned his head to igor

and jane hills eyes op[ened as well, and she also looked deeply into igors eyes

what the fuck is going on, they both asked, in unison /

igor leapt to his feet in joy

hurtling his decrepit body to the foot of the steps as fast as he could, he then paused, directed his voice up the stone steps to the tower romm, and shouted, as if his whole future was at stake . . .

master! master! he cried . . .
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on November 02, 2021, 10:30:58 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvQ4t-Nk128
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on November 02, 2021, 10:33:18 PM
thank you for your attention
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bad Penny II on November 02, 2021, 10:54:19 PM
Quote from: billy rubin on November 02, 2021, 10:29:40 PM
NOW ALL HAS BEEN HEARD; HERE IS THE CONCLUSION OF THE MATTER

igor listened to the sad sound of the organ

and he wondered at the price he woud soon pay for his failure

he pulled up a stool, gazed the imert jonghn and jane hill, and sadly contemplated his sorry future.

after a moment he suddenly jerked to attention

the hills were stirring!!!!

he looked closely as the music wafted across the laboratory

john hill's foot was twitching, then his legs, then his whole body

. . . . and jane hill was wiggling her fingertips

as the music rose to a crescendo, higher and hight, the hills begane to wiggle and to struggle against their restarints

suddenly john hill's eyes jerked wide open, and he turned his head to igor

and jane hills eyes op[ened as well, and she also looked deeply into igors eyes

what the fuck is going on, they both asked, in unison /

igor leapt to his feet in joy

hurtling his decrepit body to the foot of the steps as fast as he could, he then paused, directed his voice up the stone steps to the tower romm, and shouted, as if his whole future was at stake . . .

master! master! he cried . . .



Tank and all right thinking mods would have banned you for life if you took that any further.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on November 02, 2021, 11:19:39 PM
I don't get it.  Can you tell it again .... on another forum?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on November 03, 2021, 01:27:27 AM
i dont think it was as bad as all that
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on November 14, 2021, 03:38:06 PM
On a beautiful summer's day, two English motorcyclists were driving through Wales.
They stopped at Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch for lunch, and one of the drivers asked the waitress, "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, "Burr... gurr... king".....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on November 15, 2021, 02:22:57 AM
Ha!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on November 15, 2021, 04:04:31 AM
ha!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on November 18, 2021, 03:47:27 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/WyTGN91.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on November 18, 2021, 11:31:07 PM
^  :snicker:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 19, 2021, 12:19:40 AM
Quote from: hermes2015 on November 18, 2021, 03:47:27 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/WyTGN91.jpg)

:lol:
"Are you a naturally annoying person?"
"You should be a Jehovah's Witness."

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 21, 2021, 08:49:53 AM
"Are you a naturally annoying person?"
"You should be a Jehovah's Witness."

Stolen  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 21, 2021, 06:06:11 PM
Quote from: Tank on November 21, 2021, 08:49:53 AM
"Are you a naturally annoying person?"
"You should be a Jehovah's Witness."

Stolen  ;D
:grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 23, 2021, 07:23:27 PM
Biblical scholars claim the first computer dates back to the time of Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with very limited memory; just one byte....and then everything crashed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on November 23, 2021, 10:29:42 PM
That's great! Where do you find these?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 24, 2021, 10:56:31 AM
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on November 23, 2021, 10:29:42 PM
That's great! Where do you find these?

Let's just say, "I know some people"! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on November 25, 2021, 03:09:25 PM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 29, 2021, 07:18:57 PM
I don't think I shared this with everyone here yet, but I left my wife back in the summer as she was obsessed with counting!



I wonder what's she's up to now?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 29, 2021, 09:25:38 PM
^^^
I don't get it.  :notsure:

Is she counting the "happy days" since you left her?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 30, 2021, 06:13:48 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on November 29, 2021, 09:25:38 PM
^^^
I don't get it.  :notsure:

Is she counting the "happy days" since you left her?

I wonder what she's "Up To" now...just a play on words Missy! :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on November 30, 2021, 07:20:22 PM
By now she is " up to" at least 2,500,000, and she hasn't even noticed you left.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on November 30, 2021, 08:17:30 PM
OK. I get it, PB. ::)
But, I'm gonna have to agree with  Ecurb Noselrub, she is so happy counting, she hasn't even noticed you left.  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 30, 2021, 10:31:51 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on November 30, 2021, 08:17:30 PM
OK. I get it, PB. ::)
But, I'm gonna have to agree with  Ecurb Noselrub, she is so happy counting, she hasn't even noticed you left.  :P

Ha!!

Like she could count that high :supercilious:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 08, 2022, 01:35:15 PM
I had my yearly physical not too long ago, and everything is good except my doctor now insists I sit down to urinate.

He said doesn't want me lifting anything extremely heavy by myself. :rimshot:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: TheFightSong on February 10, 2022, 02:52:30 PM
There was this man named Papasito Bruno Mars.
He was dripping with finesse enough that his fame was bigger than pop stars.
Boys and men were jealous that he knows how to drop it like it's hot on the dancefloor better than they do.
Papasito Bruno had a 69 person-sized shower room for the ladies, it's true.
He even had enough room for a zoo in his home.
Because he wanted enough space for his lady animals to roam.
A man like Papasito Bruno has biological children in every country.
Because all those international girls got him doing all sorts of tomfoolery.
Never underestimate the Papasito Bruno.
He can do so many unpredictably exciting things, you should know.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 10, 2022, 06:40:46 PM
To those of you with a rye sense of humor, you'll probably find it amusing just saying the word "Pumpernickel" out loud.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 10, 2022, 07:14:30 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 10, 2022, 02:52:30 PM
...
A man like Papasito Bruno has biological children in every country.
Because all those international girls got him doing all sorts of tomfoolery.
Never underestimate the Papasito Bruno.
He can do so many unpredictably exciting things, you should know.
...

(https://tenor.com/view/robert-downey-jr-shocked-surprised-omg-gif-5096321.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 02:32:13 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 10, 2022, 07:14:30 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 10, 2022, 02:52:30 PM
...
A man like Papasito Bruno has biological children in every country.
Because all those international girls got him doing all sorts of tomfoolery.
Never underestimate the Papasito Bruno.
He can do so many unpredictably exciting things, you should know.
...

(https://tenor.com/view/robert-downey-jr-shocked-surprised-omg-gif-5096321.gif)
I knew you were going to send me a gif like that.  :snicker1:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 02:46:46 AM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 02:32:13 AM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 10, 2022, 07:14:30 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 10, 2022, 02:52:30 PM
...
A man like Papasito Bruno has biological children in every country.
Because all those international girls got him doing all sorts of tomfoolery.
Never underestimate the Papasito Bruno.
He can do so many unpredictably exciting things, you should know.
...

(https://tenor.com/view/robert-downey-jr-shocked-surprised-omg-gif-5096321.gif)
I knew you were going to send me a gif like that.  :snicker1:
What other reaction can one have when you speak/joke about PB as if you knew him.

Maybe I don't get the joke.
:sad sigh:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 03:30:13 AM
It's a wildly sarcastic inside joke for me and P.B. That's why you don't get it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 03:39:28 AM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 03:30:13 AM
It's a wildly sarcastic inside joke for me and P.B. That's why you don't get it.
Ah.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 11, 2022, 04:57:07 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 03:39:28 AM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 03:30:13 AM
It's a wildly sarcastic inside joke for me and P.B. That's why you don't get it.
Ah.

Hey Mags, don't feel too bad as I didn't get it either,...and I'm on the inside! :smokincowboy:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 05:25:36 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on February 11, 2022, 04:57:07 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 03:39:28 AM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 03:30:13 AM
It's a wildly sarcastic inside joke for me and P.B. That's why you don't get it.
Ah.

Hey Mags, don't feel too bad as I didn't get it either,...and I'm on the inside! :smokincowboy:
:headscratch:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 06:28:03 PM
Or maybe the joke is that you, Maggy and Bruno, are confused because I was speaking outrageous words to intentionally confuse you two and we should not take ourselves too seriously? :snicker1:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 06:41:32 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 06:28:03 PM
Or maybe the joke is that you, Maggy and Bruno, are confused because I was speaking outrageous words to intentionally confuse you two and we should not take ourselves too seriously? :snicker1:
OK..."We" sounds like a lot of people.
;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 11, 2022, 07:04:36 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 06:43:19 PM
(Posted in the wrong place)

(https://i.imgur.com/xVDwRMA.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 07:33:54 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on February 11, 2022, 07:04:36 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 06:43:19 PM
(Posted in the wrong place)

(https://i.imgur.com/xVDwRMA.gif)

There was.
(https://thumbs.gfycat.com/PettyFrayedLadybird-size_restricted.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 08:01:04 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 06:41:32 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 06:28:03 PM
Or maybe the joke is that you, Maggy and Bruno, are confused because I was speaking outrageous words to intentionally confuse you two and we should not take ourselves too seriously? :snicker1:
OK..."We" sounds like a lot of people.
;D
Not just a lot of people. A lot of animals regardless of their specie.

There are squirrels taking themselves too seriously with their nuts without doing the nut-collecting job properly. Which is why the squirrels lose deez nuts sometimes.  :rimshot:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 11, 2022, 08:05:43 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 07:33:54 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on February 11, 2022, 07:04:36 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 06:43:19 PM
(Posted in the wrong place)

(https://i.imgur.com/xVDwRMA.gif)

There was.
(https://thumbs.gfycat.com/PettyFrayedLadybird-size_restricted.gif)

Donde esta Mags?
(https://i.imgur.com/NsF8ZX5.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 08:12:02 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on February 11, 2022, 08:05:43 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 07:33:54 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on February 11, 2022, 07:04:36 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 06:43:19 PM
(Posted in the wrong place)

(https://i.imgur.com/xVDwRMA.gif)

There was.
(https://thumbs.gfycat.com/PettyFrayedLadybird-size_restricted.gif)

Donde esta Mags?
(https://i.imgur.com/NsF8ZX5.gif)

(https://y.yarn.co/68323e2e-4e00-48df-8895-139c1db9e9c5_text.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 08:26:01 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 08:01:04 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 06:41:32 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 06:28:03 PM
Or maybe the joke is that you, Maggy and Bruno, are confused because I was speaking outrageous words to intentionally confuse you two and we should not take ourselves too seriously? :snicker1:
OK..."We" sounds like a lot of people.
;D
Not just a lot of people. A lot of animals regardless of their specie.

There are squirrels taking themselves too seriously with their nuts without doing the nut-collecting job properly. Which is why the squirrels lose deez nuts sometimes.  :rimshot:
Will there be a squirrel's nut rant now?  :notsure:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on February 11, 2022, 09:13:18 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 03:39:28 AM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 03:30:13 AM
It's a wildly sarcastic inside joke for me and P.B. That's why you don't get it.
Ah.

I don't think it had a punch line, but that is a Western convention. Maybe it was sort of an expanded Haiku joke?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 09:17:57 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 08:26:01 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 08:01:04 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 06:41:32 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 06:28:03 PM
Or maybe the joke is that you, Maggy and Bruno, are confused because I was speaking outrageous words to intentionally confuse you two and we should not take ourselves too seriously? :snicker1:
OK..."We" sounds like a lot of people.
;D
Not just a lot of people. A lot of animals regardless of their specie.

There are squirrels taking themselves too seriously with their nuts without doing the nut-collecting job properly. Which is why the squirrels lose deez nuts sometimes.  :rimshot:
Will there be a squirrel's nut rant now?  :notsure:
Yes, the squirrels don't deserve to be stupidly losing their nuts and taking themselves too seriously when they are that cute-looking! It should be illegal!  :grrr:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 09:20:18 PM
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on February 11, 2022, 09:13:18 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 03:39:28 AM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 03:30:13 AM
It's a wildly sarcastic inside joke for me and P.B. That's why you don't get it.
Ah.

I don't think it had a punch line, but that is a Western convention. Maybe it was sort of an expanded Haiku joke?
Nah, I was just screwing around. There was no punch line nor expanded Haiku to be had.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 10:07:27 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 09:17:57 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 08:26:01 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 08:01:04 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 06:41:32 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 06:28:03 PM
Or maybe the joke is that you, Maggy and Bruno, are confused because I was speaking outrageous words to intentionally confuse you two and we should not take ourselves too seriously? :snicker1:
OK..."We" sounds like a lot of people.
;D
Not just a lot of people. A lot of animals regardless of their specie.

There are squirrels taking themselves too seriously with their nuts without doing the nut-collecting job properly. Which is why the squirrels lose deez nuts sometimes.  :rimshot:
Will there be a squirrel's nut rant now?  :notsure:
Yes, the squirrels don't deserve to be stupidly losing their nuts and taking themselves too seriously when they are that cute-looking! It should be illegal!  :grrr:
It should be illegal.
(https://external-preview.redd.it/6g2oH_3LjlWVX3lEWo8gu_9TIEFfMoWADDr3xV4Z7K8.jpg?auto=webp&s=53e8a8af64c5c25028ba4c7f96ff61c59fc2e2a3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 11, 2022, 11:50:10 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 10:07:27 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 09:17:57 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 08:26:01 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 08:01:04 PM
Quote from: Magdalena on February 11, 2022, 06:41:32 PM
Quote from: TheFightSong on February 11, 2022, 06:28:03 PM
Or maybe the joke is that you, Maggy and Bruno, are confused because I was speaking outrageous words to intentionally confuse you two and we should not take ourselves too seriously? :snicker1:
OK..."We" sounds like a lot of people.
;D
Not just a lot of people. A lot of animals regardless of their specie.

There are squirrels taking themselves too seriously with their nuts without doing the nut-collecting job properly. Which is why the squirrels lose deez nuts sometimes.  :rimshot:
Will there be a squirrel's nut rant now?  :notsure:
Yes, the squirrels don't deserve to be stupidly losing their nuts and taking themselves too seriously when they are that cute-looking! It should be illegal!  :grrr:
It should be illegal.
(https://external-preview.redd.it/6g2oH_3LjlWVX3lEWo8gu_9TIEFfMoWADDr3xV4Z7K8.jpg?auto=webp&s=53e8a8af64c5c25028ba4c7f96ff61c59fc2e2a3)
Pobrecito :sadshake:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on February 24, 2022, 03:55:35 PM
Name a rock group with 4 guys, none of whom sing or play instruments.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on February 24, 2022, 04:41:13 PM
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on February 24, 2022, 03:55:35 PM
Name a rock group with 4 guys, none of whom sing or play instruments.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


That's good ;D


I still can't get over the fact that the word "gullible", if looked at upside-down looks like a cat!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2022, 07:04:05 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on March 01, 2022, 09:54:31 AM
what id going on in australia? i thought you guys were going to burn to death. now it looks like youll drown.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bad Penny II on March 01, 2022, 10:11:01 AM
Quote from: billy rubin on March 01, 2022, 09:54:31 AM
what id going on in australia? i thought you guys were going to burn to death. now it looks like youll drown.

Tell me about it.
I'm on the edge of it and it's intense enough.
A town had 750mm of rain in a day, more than 2 1/2 foot
Time was 12" was a ridiculous amount
The Big Banana is closer to the worst of it but it hasn't gone under, I don't think Russel would let it.

Nah, he'd drag it onto his Ark.

There is only one though :-\

(https://www.australianexplorer.com/photographs/new_south_wales/coffs_harbour_big_banana.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on March 01, 2022, 07:40:20 PM
thats not a fat plantain?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Mr. B on March 01, 2022, 10:30:24 PM
Quote from: billy rubin on March 01, 2022, 09:54:31 AM
what id going on in australia? i thought you guys were going to burn to death. now it looks like youll drown.

WWJTD?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 14, 2022, 02:44:01 PM
Wife texts her husband on cold, wintery morning: "Windows frozen, and won't open"

Husband texts back: Gently pour some lukewarm water over it, and then gently tap the edges with hammer".

Wife texting back about 15 minutes later: "Computer is really messed up now".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on March 14, 2022, 08:16:23 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 15, 2022, 12:59:21 AM
Good one PB   ;D

On the other hand the wife is going to be pissed because of the presumptive advice.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 15, 2022, 01:18:41 AM
Quote from: Icarus on March 15, 2022, 12:59:21 AM
Good one PB   ;D

On the other hand the wife is going to be pissed because of the presumptive advice.

True...my wife got mad at me last Saturday because she asked me if I had eaten a chocolate bar that she had in the refrigerator, and I said no I had not...a while later, after she made herself some coffee she was standing at the refrigerator with both doors open looking around inside, and she said, "Where is is"?, and I said. "Where's what"?
Then she said, "the chocolate bar I asked you if you ate earlier", and I replied, "Oh, I took that to the office yesterday, and gave it to give to some of the security folks".

I think you see where this went.... :P

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on March 22, 2022, 01:41:56 PM
If someone slaps you at a very high frequency it hertz really bad! :palpatine:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on April 01, 2022, 02:36:09 AM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on March 22, 2022, 01:41:56 PM
If someone slaps you at a very high frequency it hertz really bad! :palpatine:

That would be Megahertz.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on April 01, 2022, 02:36:35 AM
Here's one for Silver-

(https://i.imgur.com/DJ9GXwY.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 03, 2022, 03:12:41 AM
The pope is very sick.  The physicians are having a difficult time trying to diagnose his illness.  After long study and consultations, they determine that he will die if he does not have sex.

All the physicians agree and tell the terminally ill pope what he must do in order to survive. At first the Pope is defensive but later agrees taht he must have sex. The pope says that there are conditions, however. What are the conditions the physicians ask.  He says, she must be a Catholic. OK the physicians say, we can arrange that.  Pope says also she must be blind. Ok we can arrange that.  Pope says she must be a virgin. Some hesitation by the physicians but they agree that they can arrange that too.

The physicians begin to leave the room. Pope says wait there is one more thing.  What is that, they ask. Pope replies in his weakened voice: Ummm... Big tits.


(sorry ladies, please do not be offended)   
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 03, 2022, 06:45:13 PM
Quote from: Icarus on April 03, 2022, 03:12:41 AM
The pope is very sick.  The physicians are having a difficult time trying to diagnose his illness.  After long study and consultations, they determine that he will die if he does not have sex.

All the physicians agree and tell the terminally ill pope what he must do in order to survive. At first the Pope is defensive but later agrees taht he must have sex. The pope says that there are conditions, however. What are the conditions the physicians ask.  He says, she must be a Catholic. OK the physicians say, we can arrange that.  Pope says also she must be blind. Ok we can arrange that.  Pope says she must be a virgin. Some hesitation by the physicians but they agree that they can arrange that too.

The physicians begin to leave the room. Pope says wait there is one more thing.  What is that, they ask. Pope replies in his weakened voice: Ummm... Big tits.


(sorry ladies, please do not be offended)

That's funny, El Papa is a big booby guy.... 8)




When I was High School (Catholic), one of my friends got busted with some Playboy magazines in his locker. He got suspended for a couple days, plus two weeks of community service which meant working for free for the school. They also had us all in the auditorium preaching about the dangers of pornographic material, etc...funny part of all of this is one of my other friends assisted in the school office.

One of the priests was in his office when one of the lay persons who worked in the front office walked in on Father who had the magazine open to the centerfold at his desk. She yelled out in surprise seeing this, and my friend who just happened to by walking by Father's office when he heard her cry out, so he looked over and saw the same thing...I guess Father threw the magazine down on his desk, said something like he was getting ready to throw them in the trash, but was apparently extremely red in the face.



Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on April 08, 2022, 01:48:35 AM
Why is Iron Man called Iron Man, and not Fe-Male Man?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 08, 2022, 04:42:57 PM
Quote from: Papasito Bruno on April 08, 2022, 01:48:35 AM
Why is Iron Man called Iron Man, and not Fe-Male Man?

:snicker1:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on April 08, 2022, 04:59:28 PM
What is the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on April 08, 2022, 06:13:36 PM
This is an old one, but here goes anyway.

Where does mercury come from?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on April 08, 2022, 09:54:24 PM
I love periodic jokes like these.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on April 09, 2022, 06:17:11 AM
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on April 08, 2022, 09:54:24 PM
I love periodic jokes like these.

We should table some more.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on April 09, 2022, 10:19:41 AM
Too bad most of the good ones argon.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on April 09, 2022, 12:19:19 PM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on April 09, 2022, 12:24:01 PM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on April 09, 2022, 02:09:47 PM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 19, 2022, 01:52:08 AM
(https://imgur.com/gallery/uhmIutM)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 19, 2022, 01:53:30 AM
(https://imgur.com/gallery/uhmIutM)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 20, 2022, 03:30:58 AM
Sorry about the two blank posts.  Must have been the silly season for me.  I will make an actual post when the appropriate occasion arises.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on May 20, 2022, 03:44:57 AM
Blankety-Blank-Blank humor is where it's at!  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 20, 2022, 05:27:12 AM
The Jokes thread?  I am not sure who the joke is on in this video. Maybe more evil than humorous. 



Unintentional thread derail? 












 

No wonder that the Trump group is so capable of conning the common folk.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on May 20, 2022, 01:37:50 PM
^^^this stuff bothers me.

ever heard of marjoe gortner?



https://www.so4j.com/marjoe-false-teacher/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on July 10, 2022, 10:54:31 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/VfoPgAYl.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on July 11, 2022, 02:08:59 AM
Took me a sec. Funny!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on July 11, 2022, 07:15:25 PM
Quote from: billy rubin on July 10, 2022, 10:54:31 PM(https://i.imgur.com/VfoPgAYl.jpg)
Ha!  ;D
"Voscán."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 11, 2022, 12:26:37 PM
(https://imagizer.imageshack.com/img923/1825/ESnZt0.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on August 11, 2022, 04:01:09 PM
^^^
That's hilarious. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 11, 2022, 04:25:27 PM
Maybe it's just me, but I don't see any improvement.  :query:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 11, 2022, 05:29:25 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on August 11, 2022, 04:25:27 PMMaybe it's just me, but I don't see any improvement.  :query:

Thus demonstrating you  are neither female or gay.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 11, 2022, 06:50:47 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 11, 2022, 05:29:25 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on August 11, 2022, 04:25:27 PMMaybe it's just me, but I don't see any improvement.  :query:

Thus demonstrating you  are neither female or gay.

Nahhh, I think they're both cute...  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on August 11, 2022, 07:38:10 PM
Quote from: Tank on August 11, 2022, 05:29:25 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on August 11, 2022, 04:25:27 PMMaybe it's just me, but I don't see any improvement.  :query:

Thus demonstrating you  are neither female or gay.

Well, not all gays like hair. I prefer smooth bodies, especially Asian ones.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on August 11, 2022, 07:47:56 PM
What can a woman put in her hoop earrings to make her more attractive?


Her ankles.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 20, 2022, 07:39:36 PM
Q: What happens when you talk to a cow?
A: It goes in one ear and out the udder!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on August 20, 2022, 09:14:28 PM
clearly you have children
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 21, 2022, 10:37:39 AM
I do. But I'm also having a silly phase at the moment.



I saw a pig with laryngitis.

He was disgruntled.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on August 24, 2022, 06:52:04 PM
A little boy goes to see the priest for confession, he says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 15, 2022, 11:59:23 AM
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamoured with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you"...
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on October 15, 2022, 02:03:38 PM
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness
A lady next To him says, "What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too."
Irish man - "I'm celebrating."
Lady - "Me too."
Irish man - "What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?"
Lady - "My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I'm pregnant!"
Irishman - "What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn't lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!"
Lady - "Wow! How did that happen?"
Irishman - "I used a different cock."
Lady smiled and said, "WHAT A COINCIDENCE !!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 17, 2022, 02:02:52 PM
Quote from: Tom62 on October 15, 2022, 02:03:38 PMIrishman - "I used a different cock."
Lady smiled and said, "WHAT A COINCIDENCE !!!"
:snicker1:

To be fair though, as explanations for sudden success go... I mean... Where's the lie? ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on October 19, 2022, 02:24:55 AM
What did the musican name his twin daughters?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 20, 2022, 10:39:36 AM
I was a quite upset when my wife said I had a small package. :(
Until I realised that Amazon had been :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Biggus Dickus on November 09, 2022, 04:25:02 PM
A small group of White Christian Nationalists walk into a bar along with several members of the HAF forum. After a while the bartender holds out his hands, and say's, "Wait a minute, how in the hell can I tell you two groups apart"!

The White Christian Nationalists hold up the crucifixes around their necks, and say. "We wear these"!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on November 09, 2022, 05:10:00 PM
What's the best thing about being Joe Biden?

Waking up every day and learning that you're the president.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 02, 2023, 04:52:12 PM
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
 The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
 "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
 Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
 "What are those?, asks the attendant.
 "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
 "Well, what on the god's earth are they
 for?" inquires the Irishman.
 "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
 "Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything !
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on February 02, 2023, 10:42:39 PM
Quote from: Tank on February 02, 2023, 04:52:12 PMOn a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
 The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
 "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
 Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
 "What are those?, asks the attendant.
 "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
 "Well, what on the god's earth are they
 for?" inquires the Irishman.
 "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
 "Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything !

That's great!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 03, 2023, 07:59:13 AM
Found on Facebook :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on February 14, 2023, 07:32:24 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/9ahJ4cZ.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 14, 2023, 11:41:11 AM
Would not the world be a better place if people randomly showed up at one's doorstep with booze and orgiastic intent?


...Just sayin' :smilenod:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on February 14, 2023, 04:50:25 PM
"Drinktower"  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 25, 2023, 08:11:15 AM
Never make eye contact when eating a banana.
~Confucius~
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on February 25, 2023, 08:48:03 AM
Quote from: Tank on February 25, 2023, 08:11:15 AM
Never make eye contact when eating a banana.
~Confucius~

It's always worked for me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 25, 2023, 11:05:43 AM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on February 25, 2023, 06:31:51 PM
Bananas don't have eyes,silly.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on March 09, 2023, 07:22:53 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/CsBJ5wq.jpeg)

I've got the job of stabbing Jesus to check that he's dead.
Anyone interested, I'm taking offers for the spear in New Zealand dolllars, just PM me.
Kim, Vlad has just outbid you.
Donald, a gagillion isn't a proper number.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 09, 2023, 01:20:39 PM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 10, 2023, 02:46:32 PM
Well... The world is gettin' kinda sinful, and... We know of one way to properly de-sin it, sooooo...  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on March 10, 2023, 06:05:58 PM
I had to modify my Easter Jesus post, it didn't make sense.
I saw Harrison Ford snooping about earlier.
Oh don't let him anywhere near it, the sneaky bastard.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on April 24, 2023, 09:01:40 AM
Jesus loved himself. haha
I'd die for a man like Jesus. haha

It's just after Easter, and I am still as irreligious as ever.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on April 25, 2023, 09:18:03 PM
Faith is Doublethink
Gobbledygook is Doublespeak,
And I am not Big Brother.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on April 25, 2023, 10:56:12 PM
Bartender goes to the men's room, and discovers a broken window. Back at the bar, he questions the clientele. Squirrel raises a paw. "That's my fault. The bear asked if I had a problem with crap sticking to my fur. I said no, so he wiped his ass with me and threw me through the window."

The bartender doesn't want to deal with the bear, so he just has the window replaced.

Bartender goes to the men's room, and discovers a broken window again, and part of the exterior wall missing. Back at the bar, he questions the clientele. Porcupine raises a paw. "That's my fault."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on April 26, 2023, 01:46:35 AM
A joke is a dirty joke when it rolls around laughing.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Cognostic on May 02, 2023, 09:48:37 AM
Jesus and Moses were out fishing one day.  It was a nice hot day and they were slamming back a few brewskis in their little rowboat. Moses began feeling the buzz, and about that time he began jibing Jesus, 'Come on dude, show me a miracle." Jesus kept responding 'No my son, I can not be tempted.' But Moses kept harping on, 'Show me a miracle, show me a miracle, show me a miracle.' Jesus finally gave in and said. "Okay, but you first.' 

Moses stood up, walked to the bow of the little boat, spread his arms to the heavens, and a huge lightning bolt shot from the blue sky, splitting the lake in half. Moses turned back to Jesus, grabbed his beer, took a long chug, burped, and said, "Beat that!" 

As the waters rushed back in the little rowboat, once again, found itself floating on a serene lake on a sunny day.  Jesus stepped out over the edge of the small craft and onto the water.  He sank like a rock.

As he splashed and gagged, Moses pulled him back into the boat. But Jesus wasn't having it. 'Unhand me, get your hands off of me,' he shouted. And once again he threw himself into the water. And, once again he began to splash and gag. This happened several more times (to make a long story shorter).

Finally,  Moses pulled Jesus aboard the small boat and said, "Jesus, Jesus, what's the matter."

To which Jesus replied. "I don't know but the last time I tried this I didn't have these damn holes in my hands and feet."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on May 02, 2023, 08:08:45 PM
I blaspheme at least once a day whether I want to or not. It's an unhappy situation.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on May 10, 2023, 09:23:28 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/4fgxsbl.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 10, 2023, 09:27:43 AM
The Asmo played Skyrim. He slew them dragons by the dozen - and then one big final boss one. :smilenod:

BOW before His might!

(also a veteran of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare AND War Thunder. RESPEKK HIM!!1!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on May 10, 2023, 10:08:15 AM
Quote from: Asmodean on May 10, 2023, 09:27:43 AMThe Asmo played Skyrim. He slew them dragons by the dozen - and then one big final boss one. :smilenod:

BOW before His might!

(also a veteran of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare AND War Thunder. RESPEKK HIM!!1!)

Hmm... I still think Donkey wins.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 10, 2023, 10:54:39 AM
...But how?!

(The Asmo does not get the reference. He is certain He's seen the donkey before, but no idea huwhere)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 10, 2023, 11:23:03 AM
Donkey is from Shrek. He fucked the dragon.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on May 10, 2023, 11:25:30 AM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 10, 2023, 11:30:33 AM
Quote from: Tom62 on May 10, 2023, 11:23:03 AMDonkey is from Shrek. He fucked the dragon.
Oh, I see..! :snicker1:

You know, you don't really imagine it ever happening, but this here joke actually got funneh once explained. :grin:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on May 10, 2023, 01:59:40 PM
:lol: I never saw that movie, so I had no idea, either.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 10, 2023, 02:35:17 PM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on May 10, 2023, 01:59:40 PM:lol: I never saw that movie, so I had no idea, either.


It's a good movie. Well worth a watch.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 11, 2023, 04:38:59 AM
Fun movie to be sur.,  The donkey satire is a real hoot.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on May 14, 2023, 09:09:59 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/vaCccOD.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on May 14, 2023, 05:37:29 PM
:lol: Maybe the "6 feef" at the bottom that makes the math work out?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on May 15, 2023, 09:29:54 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/suOhgZY.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on May 17, 2023, 08:04:46 PM
I am holier than thee, said the  twisted soul.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on May 21, 2023, 10:03:03 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/yezd3Gh.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 21, 2023, 12:05:11 PM
Hehhe
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on May 22, 2023, 10:22:29 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/ayCR0GE.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on May 22, 2023, 11:16:02 AM
Life is rich, and then you die poor.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 23, 2023, 08:32:50 PM
Trump and Obama are in the same barbershop. After shaving Trump the barber asks him if he would like some aftershave lotion. Trump says; No my wife would say that I smell like a cheap whorehouse.

Obama said; My wife does not know what a whorehouse smells like.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on May 24, 2023, 09:22:01 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/TiBMdhU.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on May 27, 2023, 09:36:27 AM
Is it time we tried to attract an even grumpier lump?

(https://i.imgur.com/YIUPwEh.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 27, 2023, 09:58:05 AM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on May 28, 2023, 01:43:16 AM
To be born or not to be born is not a question of if but a questioning of life. I was born to die. Others live to die.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on May 31, 2023, 10:46:36 AM
Maybe sentience is a consideration but cats use theirs for evil; I'm going to squash the cat.

(https://i.imgur.com/CD0uXYA.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on May 31, 2023, 10:34:44 PM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding. on May 31, 2023, 10:46:36 AMMaybe sentience is a consideration but cats use theirs for evil; I'm going to squash the cat.

(https://i.imgur.com/CD0uXYA.jpeg)

Plus, you can eat the lobsters afterwards.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on May 31, 2023, 11:31:30 PM
Life is rich, and then you die feeling poorly.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on June 02, 2023, 11:46:51 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/AfUtLZX.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on June 02, 2023, 12:48:07 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/qLyOFAv.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 02, 2023, 09:01:50 PM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on June 04, 2023, 04:45:11 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/wg2hBN2.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on June 07, 2023, 05:17:18 AM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding. on June 02, 2023, 11:46:51 AM(https://i.imgur.com/AfUtLZX.jpeg)

SpongeBob is always fun.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on June 07, 2023, 05:49:28 AM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding. on June 02, 2023, 12:48:07 PM(https://i.imgur.com/qLyOFAv.jpeg)

The dog's in the doghouse.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on June 07, 2023, 11:41:09 AM
Quote from: MarcusA on June 07, 2023, 05:17:18 AM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding. on June 02, 2023, 11:46:51 AM(https://i.imgur.com/AfUtLZX.jpeg)

SpongeBob is always fun.

Sponge Bob should always be happy.
Sometimes images are made of him suffering abominably, it shouldn't be allowed, it's worse than Myshkin in The Idiot.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on June 07, 2023, 11:45:26 AM
One for Tank, it needs to be listened to.

https://imgur.com/gallery/Tf8Hh3R (https://imgur.com/gallery/Tf8Hh3R)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on June 07, 2023, 12:05:11 PM
What do you call someone who has read 12.5% of the bible?

An eighth-thiest
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 07, 2023, 01:12:11 PM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding. on June 07, 2023, 11:45:26 AMOne for Tank, it needs to be listened to.

https://imgur.com/gallery/Tf8Hh3R (https://imgur.com/gallery/Tf8Hh3R)

Freddy at his best!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on June 07, 2023, 11:15:38 PM
I made an Imgur post.

(https://i.imgur.com/IUoGhvz.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on June 08, 2023, 01:26:47 AM
Quote from: Tank on June 07, 2023, 01:12:11 PM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding. on June 07, 2023, 11:45:26 AMOne for Tank, it needs to be listened to.

https://imgur.com/gallery/Tf8Hh3R (https://imgur.com/gallery/Tf8Hh3R)

Freddy at his best!

ochotona!

i remember these from the mountains in colorado.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on June 08, 2023, 02:23:17 AM
Quote from: No one on June 07, 2023, 12:05:11 PMWhat do you call someone who has read 12.5% of the bible?

An eighth-thiest

A person who cannot stomach the Bible is merely a Bible-basher of sorts.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 08, 2023, 08:00:27 AM
Quote from: MarcusA on June 08, 2023, 02:23:17 AM
Quote from: No one on June 07, 2023, 12:05:11 PMWhat do you call someone who has read 12.5% of the bible?

An eighth-thiest

A person who cannot stomach the Bible is merely a Bible-basher of sorts.

Now't wrong with bashing the bible.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on June 09, 2023, 02:41:18 AM
Quote from: Tank on June 08, 2023, 08:00:27 AM
Quote from: MarcusA on June 08, 2023, 02:23:17 AM
Quote from: No one on June 07, 2023, 12:05:11 PMWhat do you call someone who has read 12.5% of the bible?

An eighth-thiest

A person who cannot stomach the Bible is merely a Bible-basher of sorts.

Now't wrong with bashing the bible.

Places of worship are built on quicksand.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on June 09, 2023, 02:58:37 AM
In order to stomach any religious text, you'd have to swallow that malarkey first.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on June 09, 2023, 03:07:19 AM
Quote from: No one on June 09, 2023, 02:58:37 AMIn order to stomach any religious text, you'd have to swallow that malarkey first.

Not at all, in fact, I like confusing Christians with the Bible: they really are idiots.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on June 17, 2023, 03:53:30 AM
"The Lord is a man of war"
making mischief wherever.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on June 18, 2023, 09:07:05 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/VdF0iRQ.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anne D. on June 18, 2023, 05:29:37 PM
I'm actually a fan of that quotation "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." But your post is comedy gold, MP.  :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on June 18, 2023, 09:58:04 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the dinosaur.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 19, 2023, 03:01:31 AM
Quote from: Anne D. on June 18, 2023, 05:29:37 PMI'm actually a fan of that quotation "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." But your post is comedy gold, MP.  :lol:

Would that more of us could act on that advice.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on June 19, 2023, 02:22:42 PM
Quote from: MarcusA on June 18, 2023, 09:58:04 PMWhy did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the dinosaur.

He singularly failed to escape his heritage.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on June 22, 2023, 05:26:15 AM
Do the Inuit eat Eskimo Pies?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on June 29, 2023, 12:11:15 AM
https://imgur.com/gallery/PLIkbb7
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on June 29, 2023, 12:45:50 AM
Quote from: Icarus on June 29, 2023, 12:11:15 AMhttps://imgur.com/gallery/PLIkbb7

:lol:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on June 29, 2023, 08:43:09 AM
Laughter is
the first sign
of maturity.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on June 30, 2023, 01:58:58 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/kTii0OY.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on June 30, 2023, 04:17:13 AM
What goes black and white, black and white? A run-over Giant Panda.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on June 30, 2023, 05:47:44 AM
Jesus loves Himself.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 02, 2023, 09:04:53 AM
I am a joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on July 02, 2023, 09:08:05 AM
Hey, looks aren't everything.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 02, 2023, 11:14:44 AM
Quote from: No one on July 02, 2023, 09:08:05 AMHey, looks aren't everything.

Tell the potato.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on July 02, 2023, 12:33:28 PM
I just did.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 03, 2023, 04:35:59 AM
https://imgur.com/gallery/MpHq5TZ
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on July 03, 2023, 08:03:50 AM
There's a Dentist who lives in my neighborhood who I've known, and have been seeing for years. Recently he was arrested as part of of a major drug bust. He was charged with selling illegal narcotics.

Which just goes to show you never know about folks, like who knew?

Like I said I've been going to him for years, and I had no idea he was a dentist.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 03, 2023, 08:13:51 AM
Quote from: Icarus on July 03, 2023, 04:35:59 AMhttps://imgur.com/gallery/MpHq5TZ

:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on July 03, 2023, 09:05:00 AM
Quote from: No one on July 03, 2023, 08:03:50 AMThere's a Dentist who lives in my neighborhood who I've known, and have been seeing for years. Recently he was arrested as part of of a major drug bust. He was charged with selling illegal narcotics.

Which just goes to show you never know about folks, like who knew?

Like I said I've been going to him for years, and I had no idea he was a dentist.

Well, one doesn't have to be a dentist to be good at filling cavities.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: No one on July 03, 2023, 09:46:34 AM
Plumbers are good at use their caulk to fill in cracks.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 07, 2023, 04:34:12 AM
Plumber's crack is there for all to see.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 08, 2023, 12:58:00 AM
There once was a plumber named Lee
who was plumbing his girl by the sea
she said stop your plumbing
I think someones coming
I know said the plumber, it's me
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 08, 2023, 10:36:41 AM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anne D. on July 08, 2023, 03:42:21 PM
Good one, Icarus.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 10, 2023, 05:29:37 AM
Answering back is forwards.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding. on July 15, 2023, 10:49:06 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/rpt71tu.jpeg)

Stupid trees
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 16, 2023, 08:24:53 AM
During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

"Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean"

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, "but neither does the parrot."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 18, 2023, 01:46:46 AM
Back to the future, what's install?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 21, 2023, 02:24:23 AM
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 23, 2023, 06:02:03 AM
Laughter is the freest thing in the world, a breeze on a hot day.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 24, 2023, 05:23:17 AM
The religious deserve God. He's an arsehole.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 25, 2023, 10:00:41 PM
Mental illness is not funny.
- Philip K. Dick

Donald Trump is not funny.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 26, 2023, 03:46:24 PM
Donald Trump looks and talks funny.

Joe Biden isn't funny, but creepy (sniffing children's hair, etc.).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 27, 2023, 03:42:46 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side, silly.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 28, 2023, 12:48:38 AM
Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does. What can you do that's longer? - Billy Connolly
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 28, 2023, 09:08:35 PM
A joke is never in bad taste.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on July 29, 2023, 06:30:04 PM
i dunno about that. i can tell some that will make most people cringe.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 29, 2023, 06:31:55 PM
Jokes are jokes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on July 30, 2023, 12:50:56 AM
He to his date: do you believe in the hereafter?
She: what do you men by that?
He: if you are not hereafter the same thing that I am hereafter,I will be gone long after you are here.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on July 30, 2023, 11:20:23 AM
LOL
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on July 30, 2023, 03:26:09 PM
a man and his new wife drove up to a secluded honeymoon hotel on the lake. she went to the room, slowly and painfuly. the husband chechked in and chatted with the desk clerk

hows the fishing in that lake?

great. get out there early.

wonderful! i just love to fish!

he spent the afternoon checking out the lake

next morning at 4 oclock he came thumping down the stairs with his fishing gear.

up so early? hows the wife?

shes a bit sick. and i just love to fish!

he went off and was gone all day.

next morning he came thumping down the stairs wirh his fishing gear.

out again? hows the wife?

still sick. and i just love to fish!

stayed out all day.

next morning he came thumping down the stairs.

out so early? hows the eife?

still a bit sick.

you know, most peole who come to a honeymoon hotel stay in their room for days. is everything okay?

oh yes, we dont do sex. she has gonorrhea.

oh. im sorry. have you ever considered, like, anal sex?

oh no. she has chronic diarhhea.

thats terrible. perhaps you might try oral sex?

oh no. she has terrible trenchmouth.

dear me. gonorhea, diarhea, trenchmouth . . . forgive me, but why did you come here?

well, she has a terrific case of worms, and i just love to fish!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on July 30, 2023, 04:26:06 PM
A man crawls through the desert. The sun shines mercilessly on him. Water, water please give me some water he cries when he finally encounters another traveler. Sorry says the other guy, I've got barely enough water for myself. But, 1 mile down this road is a Bedouin village, where they could help you. Only problem is that they don't like white people, so they might shoot you on sight. In that case, I better paint  myself black with the shoe polish that I have in my rucksack.

So the guy paints himself black and goes on his way to the Bedouin village. There he is received with open arms. They offer him drinks and food. The Bedouin chief tells him that he could spend the night in one of the guest tents. Well, I'm very honored to accept your invitation says the man, but I have to leave very early in the morning. Well, says the chief, that is no problem, we will wake you up in time. So the guy spend a wonderful evening and night.

Next day they wake him up and he is on his way again. 5 miles down he comes across an oasis and thinks well this is a great opportunity to wash off the shoe polish. So, he jumps into the water and shrubs and shrubs, but whatever he does, his face, arms, legs of his body remains black. Shit, he says, they woke up the wrong guy.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 31, 2023, 01:09:30 AM
The internet is a virtual world, virtually unreal.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on July 31, 2023, 08:41:56 AM
I hate to be the joker in the pack, useless.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 02, 2023, 10:46:51 PM
Malcom Milqtoast works in an office with several other people. Malcom is a retiring type with few social skills. The others in the office give him no comfort.

One day the boss, feeling generous, stopped at Malcom's desk and invited him to an evenings entertainment at the bosses exclusive men's club. Malcom said that he would have to ask his wife if it was OK to go out without her. The boss said no you do not need permission lets go, now! Malcom was afraid to refuse.

They arrived at the club, had dinner and began to consume Martinis. The bar was beautiful with exotic polished wood, it had a highly polished brass footrest, the orchestra was excellent. As the evening wore on Malcolm became thoroughly inebriated. Too many martinis!

When he got home the wife was furious. Where the hell have you been she yelled. Malcom replied that the boss had made him go to the men's club. He described the place and all its luxurious appointments. He said it had a beautiful bar with a shiny brass footrest, an orchestra that played beautiful music, a dining room fit for a prince, and it even had gold toilets.

Wife told him that he was a drunken fool and that she did not believe his story at all. Next day
she called the men's club on the telephone. She asked the person who answered if they had a beautiful bar made of exotic polished woods. He said yes we do. Does it have a polished brass footrest? Yes it has. Do you have an orchestra. Yes we do, they are very talented musicians. She asked, do you have gold toilets.....He said hold on a minute...he clamped his hand over the phone and yelled out; Hey Frank I think we have a line on the drunk who shit in your tuba.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MarcusA on August 11, 2023, 04:33:57 AM
Quote from: billy rubin on July 30, 2023, 03:26:09 PMa man and his new wife drove up to a secluded honeymoon hotel on the lake. she went to the room, slowly and painfuly. the husband chechked in and chatted with the desk clerk

hows the fishing in that lake?

great. get out there early.

wonderful! i just love to fish!

he spent the afternoon checking out the lake

next morning at 4 oclock he came thumping down the stairs with his fishing gear.

up so early? hows the wife?

shes a bit sick. and i just love to fish!

he went off and was gone all day.

next morning he came thumping down the stairs wirh his fishing gear.

out again? hows the wife?

still sick. and i just love to fish!

stayed out all day.

next morning he came thumping down the stairs.

out so early? hows the eife?

still a bit sick.

you know, most peole who come to a honeymoon hotel stay in their room for days. is everything okay?

oh yes, we dont do sex. she has gonorrhea.

oh. im sorry. have you ever considered, like, anal sex?

oh no. she has chronic diarhhea.

thats terrible. perhaps you might try oral sex?

oh no. she has terrible trenchmouth.

dear me. gonorhea, diarhea, trenchmouth . . . forgive me, but why did you come here?

well, she has a terrific case of worms, and i just love to fish!

I have a worm waiting for me. It can wait a little bit longer.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on August 11, 2023, 11:41:20 PM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on November 11, 2011, 05:00:18 AMPa: But those lovely little marsupials should be OK, they're good at hiding, let's ask a desert bandicoot.
Ma: Eaten by foxes and cats.
Pa: But how? there were no foxes and cats on that continent.
Ma: People love animals and they couldn't bare to be without their cats.
Pa: Ah, and foxes do humans also enjoy the company of foxes?
Ma: No foxes are fun to kill, people can't be without their sport.
Pa: Oh well the formidable thylacine, they'd hold their own with foxes and cats.
Ma: They were cruel killers of sheep, couldn't let them get away with that.
Pa: Haven't any of the other intelligent species taken humans to task for their actions?
Ma: Dolphins sometimes try.
Pa: So what did the humans say?
Ma: I don't think they understood, didn't say anything, they consider it impolite to talk with a full mouth.
Pa: Do you think we should approach them?
      Why are you showing me that picture?
      Isn't that us on our wedding night?
Ma: No
Pa: Us after our 500th wedding anniversary celebration?
Ma: No it is a common human meal, Spaghetti and Bolognese sauce.
Pa: Oh.




does this make any sense to anybody?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on August 13, 2023, 03:32:04 AM
https://imgur.com/gallery/qJ9ptK6
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Recusant on August 23, 2023, 04:09:25 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/yWthUnw.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Recusant on August 23, 2023, 04:16:12 AM
Quote from: billy rubin on August 11, 2023, 11:41:20 PM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on November 11, 2011, 05:00:18 AMPa: But those lovely little marsupials should be OK, they're good at hiding, let's ask a desert bandicoot.
Ma: Eaten by foxes and cats.
Pa: But how? there were no foxes and cats on that continent.
Ma: People love animals and they couldn't bare to be without their cats.
Pa: Ah, and foxes do humans also enjoy the company of foxes?
Ma: No foxes are fun to kill, people can't be without their sport.
Pa: Oh well the formidable thylacine, they'd hold their own with foxes and cats.
Ma: They were cruel killers of sheep, couldn't let them get away with that.
Pa: Haven't any of the other intelligent species taken humans to task for their actions?
Ma: Dolphins sometimes try.
Pa: So what did the humans say?
Ma: I don't think they understood, didn't say anything, they consider it impolite to talk with a full mouth.
Pa: Do you think we should approach them?
      Why are you showing me that picture?
      Isn't that us on our wedding night?
Ma: No
Pa: Us after our 500th wedding anniversary celebration?
Ma: No it is a common human meal, Spaghetti and Bolognese sauce.
Pa: Oh.




does this make any sense to anybody?

Yes, it's dry and wry, unlike Ma and Pa.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on August 23, 2023, 04:47:55 AM
I'm not even going to try to understand this. It looks to be MarcusA-like illogic.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 23, 2023, 08:40:10 AM
How do you tell the difference between a nerd and someone into BDSM?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.


Credit: Shadiversity (https://www.youtube.com/@shadiversity/videos), which may or may not have borrowed it from elsewhere. Whatever the case, The Asmo greatly approves. :smilenod:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 23, 2023, 09:32:14 AM
Than made me chortle. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding.. on August 23, 2023, 10:30:54 AM
Quote from: Recusant on August 23, 2023, 04:16:12 AM
Quote from: billy rubin on August 11, 2023, 11:41:20 PM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on November 11, 2011, 05:00:18 AMPa: But those lovely little marsupials should be OK, they're good at hiding, let's ask a desert bandicoot.
Ma: Eaten by foxes and cats.
Pa: But how? there were no foxes and cats on that continent.
Ma: People love animals and they couldn't bare to be without their cats.
Pa: Ah, and foxes do humans also enjoy the company of foxes?
Ma: No foxes are fun to kill, people can't be without their sport.
Pa: Oh well the formidable thylacine, they'd hold their own with foxes and cats.
Ma: They were cruel killers of sheep, couldn't let them get away with that.
Pa: Haven't any of the other intelligent species taken humans to task for their actions?
Ma: Dolphins sometimes try.
Pa: So what did the humans say?
Ma: I don't think they understood, didn't say anything, they consider it impolite to talk with a full mouth.
Pa: Do you think we should approach them?
      Why are you showing me that picture?
      Isn't that us on our wedding night?
Ma: No
Pa: Us after our 500th wedding anniversary celebration?
Ma: No it is a common human meal, Spaghetti and Bolognese sauce.
Pa: Oh.




does this make any sense to anybody?

Yes, it's dry and wry, unlike Ma and Pa.

Geez, I get much more incomprehensible than that these days.
Ma and Pa are galactic travellers, they visited Oz long ago, Ma is explaining the demise of various critters.
They may be related to the FSM 

(https://cdn.britannica.com/57/198157-050-503D66E9/artist-rendition-Flying-Spaghetti-Monster.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 23, 2023, 11:55:26 AM
Quote from: Tank on August 23, 2023, 09:32:14 AMThan made me chortle. :)

Check these out. Pure, light-hearted fun.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: PantsNotTrousers on September 10, 2023, 04:46:59 AM
A duck walks into a bar and asks for some crackers.
The barman says, "we don't have any, would you like a drink?"
"No," says the duck.

The next day the duck comes back asking for crackers, the barman explains that they don't have any once again.

This continues for a week.

The barman frustrated says on the last day, "if you come back asking for crackers, I'll nail your feet to the floor.

The duck comes back a couple weeks later, he walks in and asks, "do you have any nails?"

Confused, the Barman says, "no..."

The duck then asks, "well then, do you have any crackers?!?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: PantsNotTrousers on September 10, 2023, 04:52:06 AM
Quote from: billy rubin on August 11, 2023, 11:41:20 PM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding on November 11, 2011, 05:00:18 AMPa: But those lovely little marsupials should be OK, they're good at hiding, let's ask a desert bandicoot.
Ma: Eaten by foxes and cats.
Pa: But how? there were no foxes and cats on that continent.
Ma: People love animals and they couldn't bare to be without their cats.
Pa: Ah, and foxes do humans also enjoy the company of foxes?
Ma: No foxes are fun to kill, people can't be without their sport.
Pa: Oh well the formidable thylacine, they'd hold their own with foxes and cats.
Ma: They were cruel killers of sheep, couldn't let them get away with that.
Pa: Haven't any of the other intelligent species taken humans to task for their actions?
Ma: Dolphins sometimes try.
Pa: So what did the humans say?
Ma: I don't think they understood, didn't say anything, they consider it impolite to talk with a full mouth.
Pa: Do you think we should approach them?
      Why are you showing me that picture?
      Isn't that us on our wedding night?
Ma: No
Pa: Us after our 500th wedding anniversary celebration?
Ma: No it is a common human meal, Spaghetti and Bolognese sauce.
Pa: Oh.




does this make any sense to anybody?

No. I assume this alien couple looks like spaghetti bolengese and they're afraid of being eaten by humans? But I'm not sure.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 10, 2023, 10:36:12 AM
Quote from: PantsNotTrousers on September 10, 2023, 04:46:59 AMA duck walks into a bar and asks for some crackers.
The barman says, "we don't have any, would you like a drink?"
"No," says the duck.

The next day the duck comes back asking for crackers, the barman explains that they don't have any once again.

This continues for a week.

The barman frustrated says on the last day, "if you come back asking for crackers, I'll nail your feet to the floor.

The duck comes back a couple weeks later, he walks in and asks, "do you have any nails?"

Confused, the Barman says, "no..."

The duck then asks, "well then, do you have any crackers?!?"

Added to Facebook!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on September 14, 2023, 07:29:59 PM
A guy walks into a doctor's office and says "Doc, something is wrong. I think I'm a moth."

Doc says "Why did you come to see me? I'm a gynecologist!"

Guy says "Your light was on."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 14, 2023, 08:20:55 PM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 16, 2023, 05:46:23 AM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 16, 2023, 10:54:41 AM
Oh dear, you finally worked out how to post links and that is the use you put it to? How old are you? 5? :rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 18, 2023, 08:59:05 PM
5^2.81625
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on September 24, 2023, 05:08:01 AM
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said,

"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple.

"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on September 24, 2023, 05:46:06 AM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on September 29, 2023, 02:56:34 AM
(https://imgur.com/gallery/egl0r1A)

EDIT: Tank

(https://i.imgur.com/68vBJUu.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 01, 2023, 10:31:43 AM
I was recently abducted by aliens.
They took me on-board, fed me dinner, washed me, gave me a big hug and put me to bed early.
Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding.. on October 01, 2023, 11:31:38 AM
And yet you come back with a dad joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 01, 2023, 03:41:10 PM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding.. on October 01, 2023, 11:31:38 AMAnd yet you come back with a dad joke.

And why not? I'm not only a dad but a granddad! I'm entitled  :geezer!:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 09, 2023, 09:32:17 AM
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on October 17, 2023, 06:44:55 AM
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 31, 2023, 12:49:22 PM
How do you make an egg roll?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding.. on January 11, 2024, 07:36:23 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/aSiaKeD.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anne D. on January 12, 2024, 02:04:45 AM
Awwww.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 15, 2024, 04:12:20 AM
A little kid was in his room doing his arithmetic homework.
His mother heard him say 5 plus 3 is the sonofabitch of eight. He then said six plus four is the
soneofabitch of ten.

The mother, overhearing this innocent study, was upset and went to see the little boys teacher the next day. She demanded to know how the teachers was instructing the students with that kind of language.

The teacher, a British woman, explained that numbers can be regarded as bits.  She had taught the students that "the sum of the bits" are eight or ten, as the case may be.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 19, 2024, 11:50:59 AM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 19, 2024, 11:53:18 AM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding.. on January 21, 2024, 08:21:41 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/Rm4g5JE.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 21, 2024, 10:33:27 AM
:rofl:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding.. on January 28, 2024, 08:20:04 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/FulqaUy.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 29, 2024, 11:48:42 AM
The Asmo does not understand..?

Is it because "nobody at all" is lining up when there is a huge sale on what's left of Star Wars..? :headscratch:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 29, 2024, 12:52:14 PM
Quote from: Asmodean on January 29, 2024, 11:48:42 AMThe Asmo does not understand..?

Is it because "nobody at all" is lining up when there is a huge sale on what's left of Star Wars..? :headscratch:

I don't get it either.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hermes2015 on January 29, 2024, 05:31:00 PM
Legos are blocks, and people are lining up to buy blocks cheaply. So, lining up for blocks.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on January 29, 2024, 05:37:40 PM
who are the people in the meme? i assume its a motion picture
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding.. on January 29, 2024, 10:01:23 PM
Quote from: billy rubin on January 29, 2024, 05:37:40 PMwho are the people in the meme? i assume its a motion picture

That would be Han Solo and his son Kylo Ren, they are from a movie series called Star Wars.
Kylo Ren turns to the dark side and kills his father.  I never liked  Kylo, his nose is too big.

In the meme Kylo is killing Han (red light sabre protruding from Han's back in last frame) for telling him a dad joke. 

Perhaps it is Han's fault in part, if he'd had his son's grotesque nose fixed in childhood he may not have turned to the dark side.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on January 29, 2024, 10:29:52 PM
ah

i guess you had to be there
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on January 29, 2024, 11:27:25 PM
I thought that looked like Harrison Ford. Didn't see that movie, though.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 30, 2024, 08:30:32 AM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding.. on January 29, 2024, 10:01:23 PM
Quote from: billy rubin on January 29, 2024, 05:37:40 PMwho are the people in the meme? i assume its a motion picture

That would be Han Solo and his son Kylo Ren, they are from a movie series called Star Wars.
Kylo Ren turns to the dark side and kills his father.  I never liked  Kylo, his nose is too big.

In the meme Kylo is killing Han (red light sabre protruding from Han's back in last frame) for telling him a dad joke. 

Perhaps it is Han's fault in part, if he'd had his son's grotesque nose fixed in childhood he may not have turned to the dark side.


I get it now. I hadn't spotted it was the death scene.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 30, 2024, 09:00:52 AM
Quote from: Dark Lightning on January 29, 2024, 11:27:25 PMI thought that looked like Harrison Ford. Didn't see that movie, though.
You didn't miss anything, in my honest opinion. Star Wars went down a very steep hill indeed under Disney... Heck, Disney did a nose dive off the same hill under Disney. :sadnod:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anne D. on February 10, 2024, 05:35:26 AM
Quote from: The Magic Pudding.. on January 28, 2024, 08:20:04 AM(https://i.imgur.com/FulqaUy.jpeg)

Ha!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 11, 2024, 01:37:42 AM
Legoland lies about 25 minutes from my house. It is a popular tourist attraction like so many others in Florida. During the busy season there are long lines of cars waiting to get into the parking lot. It can be said that they are.......... lined up for blocks.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: billy rubin on February 11, 2024, 03:50:48 AM
why?

what is the sttraction of this thing?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on February 11, 2024, 04:34:19 AM
Crass materialistic consumption sold to the US public as "entertainment'. I haven't been to a Disney "facility" in over 23 years because of that swindle. I was in CostCo this morning buying groceries and my youngest son pointed out a bouquet of roses made of Legos (a Valentine's Day gift for people with more money than sense, IMO). The marketing is relentless. I have no use for that fecal material. I buy necessary comestibles and little else. We use our CostCo Visa cards for most purchases and pay the bill every month. As "Executive" members, we recoup about $800 a year in "rewards". Cheapest fuel in town, to boot.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 12, 2024, 02:14:54 AM
Central Florida is awash with tourist attractions........Disney, Seaworld, Universal studios,Legoland, etc. There are spinoffs with lesser appeal like Gator Land,Silver springs, Rainbow springs and a whole gaggle of others.

The whole idea is to separate the visitor from his/her/their money.  I am pleased to say that I have never visited any of those places except for one time many moons ago. I paid perfectly good money to visit Epcot which is part of the enormous Disney layout. My new bride (1987) wanted to piss a way some of my money at the "Experimental Prototype Community Of Tommorrow....thus EPCOT. Actually a collection of villages that reflected the customs and life styles of various countries across the globe.

There were only three things within the very numerous international villages that I really liked. The Japanese village had Taiko drummers.....Terrific!  Kraft Foods had a huge enclosed Hydroponic farm. A young woman Agronomist shepherded us through the facility and explained the hows and whys of such an operation..The last was the (Presumably authentic) British tea shoppe that served tea and scones and other delights. I pigged out there and enjoyed it thoroughly.   
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dark Lightning on February 12, 2024, 03:41:25 AM
I had gone to an assignment at Cape Canaveral in '01, and my wife took liberties with my work schedule and brought my teenage sons down there over spring break. Made it to EPCOT and damned near lost my job over taking time off during launch ops.  >:(  Made it to GatorLand with them on my own time, and that was actually a cool experience. Seeing that gator mouth open to walk into the place's entrance didn't provide much confidence, but it was actually OK.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding.. on February 19, 2024, 07:23:58 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/kICEILz.jpeg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 19, 2024, 07:38:55 AM
Yes! Be proud of having been somewhat-badly created in The Asmo's image, people! :smilenod:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 20, 2024, 04:17:20 AM
Names....

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 08, 2024, 04:35:05 AM
https://imgur.com/gallery/DCQjzCm (https://imgur.com/gallery/DCQjzCm)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2024, 07:51:30 AM
You know, if you hold the cross a other way 'round, you can use it as a sword. :smilenod:

Respect though... When questioning of religion or ideology is in play, it is too often a one-way street with gates and barriers.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding.. on March 24, 2024, 07:50:14 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/kUOq800.jpeg)