I know lots of people in theory but no-one who lives anywhere near me now no-one I can just hang out with.
If you find out let me know because outside of HAF the only people I'm close to anymore are my family.
Wish I knew too...
Most of my friends now are online.
The local ones tend to be work-related (meetups, etc.)
I tried one of the Unitarian Universalist churches once. Seemed like a good place to make friends.
Maybe look into activities you like, and places where people meet for those. Then you'd have a common ground to start from.
Hope the forum makes you feel a bit better ;-)
We need to find somewhere, like Hawaii, and all move there!
Quote from: Tank on January 20, 2016, 06:20:04 AM
We need to find somewhere, like Hawaii, and all move there!
:smilenod:
Quote from: Claireliontamer on January 19, 2016, 11:10:43 PM
It's kind of embarrassing writing this but I'm incredibly lonely at the moment. I have moved around so much in recent years that I haven't really had chance to settle and make lasting friendships. Sure, I know lots of people in theory but no-one who lives anywhere near me now no-one I can just hang out with.
Usually, I'm so busy with work and then entertaining scamp at the weekends that I don't really notice but since being ill it has hit me. So, how does one go about making friends when you're in your 30s and normally have no time. Everything I've seen online seems centred around dating and relationships, not something I need.
Is there anyone in your life, out of all those people you know in theory, who would like to go out with you somewhere, someday? If you want to have friends, but you're as busy as you say you are, then you have to make time for a friend, the same way they will make time for you. It's a give and take thing. Many friendships start by just having a cup of coffee, or lunch, or a drink with someone--many times. You say online seems centred around dating and relationships, not something you need. But aren't friendships relationships you develop? Isn't it about going places together, doing things both of you enjoy? Aren't friends there for each other when either one of you feels lonely? You're a
very lovely woman, Claire, I don't think the question is how do I make friends, you already know how to do that. I think the question is, do I have the time and the patience to start and cultivate a friendship, right now?
You could try meetup.com (http://www.meetup.com/), you can find groups that share your interests in various things. While there are dating/singles groups, there are a bunch of other kinds of groups. I was going with a movie watching group, we'd watch a movie then talk about it and other things after.
There is also meetme (https://www.meetme.com/) where you can chat up people for other things than dating.
I'm sure there are more, but those are the ones I know about that work for me.
well I;m no person to give advise since it's been more than two years since I;ve had friends, but the only way I see adults to make frieds are through people they see every day. Either work, or maybe customers.
Loads of people in your situation. Take what you are interested in and engage in events that are set up for meeting others. If you like wine go to a few wine tasting evenings, use things that you would like to achieve as a way to interact with others. You have to put yourself out there and make the effort to engage with others or nobody will. Try some of the basics like a supper club, book club, or events set up for meeting new people but most importantly you need to talk and at the very least appear genuinely interested in what they have to say. Then you need to ask the people you like if they are coming back the week after to create a link. Most friendships occur because people are in the same place, have similar interests, talk to each other, and see enough of each other so you have to manipulate this setting. Friends take work and often compromise.
Budhorse4 you are in the best place to meet new people, the best you are ever going to get. Universities have so much going on to bring students together you just have to engage with it and yeah you are going to meet a lot of people you dislike but don't let a few rotten apples put you off.
Thanks for all the replies. It does help to know others are others in a similar situation. And you're all right in saying I have to do something proactive, people aren't just going to knock on my door.
I think also jumbojak hit the nail on the head yesterday when he said it's because I'm always working or helping somewhere. That's possibly a coping mechanism though as I feel better when I'm busy.
However, I need for once to start looking after me tpo and start doing things that I enjoy rather than feel like I should do all the time. I've had a look at meetup.com, thanks Davin and there are a few movie groups and a couple of other interesting ones so I'll make the effort to go.
Use Scamp.
I've met loads of new people who have become friends by doing stuff with the kids. Cycling Club (or whatever she/you enjoy - I've extended my group of cycling friends a great deal with other dads from the kid's cycling club giving me much more options for grown-up rides), school, neighbourhood kids. This is great because you still get to entertain Scamp while having grown-up time too. Plus, the partners of other kids parents are useful (and free) babysitters for when you wanna go out. And sleepovers rock. Actually, this weekend, for the first time ever. both of mine are at sleepovers at close neighbours houses. Great date-night opportunity for MrsSiz and me!
I'd noticed a little girl close to my girl's age who would walk past my house quite often with mum or dad. I jumped on them one time to see if the girl would like to meet for a playdate - somewhere neutral, the local park. The dad was a little sceptical at first, but I managed to pursuade him I wasn't a loon. Turns out they live opposite and 100 yards down. The two girls are now best friends and are at each other's houses all the time - including for sleepovers. The mum and dad (mostly the mum) are often over for a glass of wine or cup of tea.
Same thing happened with the boy opposite (literally) and my son. This time it was his mum who speculatively knocked on our door with her son to see if they wanted to hang out. My wife and the mum are pretty close now - as well as the boys.
Good luck!
Yeah, this isn't easy. I've been lucky because I've lived in the same area for half my life, but most of our friends have moved away, had kids, or both. I'm also not the most outgoing person. I'm not anti-social, but I'm not good at taking the initiative either.
A lot of people mention meetups, though I haven't indulged in that much myself to be honest. We've been lucky to find good neighbors in our building, and my wife has reached out to some newer coworkers who don't know the area as well, so that's helped. I think we're in a weird spot because most people our age tend to be parents or about enter the period of their lives and we haven't gotten there yet, so it's also been hard to relate.
I don't have a lot of advice, but I can sympathize and will be curious to hear what helps.
Quote from: Siz on January 21, 2016, 01:12:52 AM
Use Scamp.
I really thought that was going to go in a slightly different direction....
In all seriousness though, it's pretty easy to run across people who have similar interests given how easy it is to find people on the internet. I have several standing invitations to visit more experienced smiths - though some seem more interested in my scrap pile and the prospect of someone else to bring beer...
Now, most of these folks are at quite a distance but I'd take the time to make a trip if I had it to spare. Find something you want to be involved in that's just for fun, look around for an online community, and then see what sort of get togethers are convenient for you. Could be watching movies like Davin suggested or a hands on activity like knitting. Basket weaving? Fine wood joinery? Even something like dungeons and dragons brings people together.
Given the population density of the UK I'm sure there are groups nearer to you than I have available.
You ever seen Netmums? meet a local mum (http://www.netmums.com/local-to-you/local-meet-a-mum). A great resource for all sorts of other stuff too (even if you're a Dad).
...or maybe just skip the internet and head for the IRL interest groups...
Be bold. Make an excuse to meet the neighbours down the road - the ones with the kids Scamps age...
It's hard when you have young kids to find the time to do things that don't also involve your children, or even if you had the time the responsibility of raising them means you can't always be gone for long periods of time participating in actives/hobbies that you enjoy.
At least that has been my experience.
Now that my kids are grown it's much easier for me to make adult friends, most of whom I've met at the Athletic Club I belong to (Racquetball, yoga class, cycling), also some others I've met at a local acoustical group I play at, but when the kids were younger it was through active roles within their sporting and class clubs were I was able to meet and make friends.
One example was being really active with my son in Scouting, and taking on a leadership role both in his Cub Pack and later Scout Troop.
You start having to meet with other parents to organize and plan, and those planning events and meetings force you to interact with the other adults, and sooner or later friendships develop. Even if all it means is getting together once a month for a two hour committee meeting, it can be a welcome respite, a chance to share stories and concerns with other parents with children your own age, or to meet the special one or two people who you find you have similarities with, so you meet them some time for an hour after work for a beer or two or a coffee.
And you don't have to take on full roles within their clubs, such as being a scout leader. For my sons soccer teams I was useless as a coach so I ended up being the water boy/trainer for a couple of the teams, again it was simply a way to get a bit involved, but allowed me chances to interact with other parents and the coaches in a way I probably wouldn't have if I was simply standing on the sideline watching the games.
So I think using the little Scamp is a great way to meet some new friends, as well as possibly some of the other suggestions involving hobbies or crafts you enjoy. I was in a book club for a couple years, which was nice, and we would only meet for an hour every other week so I could skip away from the Dad stuff for that time.
good luck Claire
----
I'm not exactly what you'd call the right person to voice an opinion on this subject, as I am exceedingly difficult to become friends with myself, and it has happened that people who considered me a friend were in turn considered little more than acquaintances.
This I will say, however; friendships are imperfect, and a lot of adults have an unfortunate tendency to look for the perfect friend who simply doesn't exist. When you are a kid, the world is much, much simpler, even if it doesn't feel like that at the time. Considering the complexity of adult lives and relationships, I'm not sure it's even possible for most of us to have the kind of friendships we had when we were little kids or teenagers. The difference in the number of variables involved is simply too great for that.
Is my advise to settle for less? I don't know... Perhaps it is. I like to put a slightly more positive wording on it. Take the people in your life and your relationships with them for what they are, and try developing those relationships into what you want them to be, but keep in mind that it can backfire and good intentions cal lead to unfortunate consequences.
Quote from: Asmodean on January 22, 2016, 11:42:38 AM
I'm not exactly what you'd call the right person to voice an opinion on this subject, as I am exceedingly difficult to become friends with myself, and it has happened that people who considered me a friend were in turn considered little more than acquaintances.
This I will say, however; friendships are imperfect, and a lot of adults have an unfortunate tendency to look for the perfect friend who simply doesn't exist. When you are a kid, the world is much, much simpler, even if it doesn't feel like that at the time. Considering the complexity of adult lives and relationships, I'm not sure it's even possible for most of us to have the kind of friendships we had when we were little kids or teenagers. The difference in the number of variables involved is simply too great for that.
Is my advise to settle for less? I don't know... Perhaps it is. I like to put a slightly more positive wording on it. Take the people in your life and your relationships with them for what they are, and try developing those relationships into what you want them to be, but keep in mind that it can backfire and good intentions cal lead to unfortunate consequences.
So true Asmo, friendship's as adults aren't the same as when we were young is it? Reminds me of the closing scene from the movie "Stand By Me", where the writer/narrator of the story (Richard Dreyfus) is putting the finishing remarks to his book and he types the following on his computer:
I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?
Quote from: Asmodean on January 22, 2016, 11:42:38 AM
I'm not exactly what you'd call the right person to voice an opinion on this subject, as I am exceedingly difficult to become friends with myself, and it has happened that people who considered me a friend were in turn considered little more than acquaintances.
This I will say, however; friendships are imperfect, and a lot of adults have an unfortunate tendency to look for the perfect friend who simply doesn't exist. When you are a kid, the world is much, much simpler, even if it doesn't feel like that at the time. Considering the complexity of adult lives and relationships, I'm not sure it's even possible for most of us to have the kind of friendships we had when we were little kids or teenagers. The difference in the number of variables involved is simply too great for that.
Is my advise to settle for less? I don't know... Perhaps it is. I like to put a slightly more positive wording on it. Take the people in your life and your relationships with them for what they are, and try developing those relationships into what you want them to be, but keep in mind that it can backfire and good intentions cal lead to unfortunate consequences.
True, very true.
Quote from: Bruno de la Pole on January 22, 2016, 02:25:53 PM
So true Asmo, friendship's as adults aren't the same as when we were young is it? Reminds me of the closing scene from the movie "Stand By Me", where the writer/narrator of the story (Richard Dreyfus) is putting the finishing remarks to his book and he types the following on his computer:
I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?
Man, that's depressing. I often wonder if I haven't tried hard enough to be a good friend, or second-guess decisions I made to pull away from people I didn't feel comfortable with anymore. Hell, even on this forum filled with like-minded people whose company I enjoy, I'm hardly a steady presence and vanish for weeks at a time.
I think this sort of sentiment is quite common. When push comes to shove, most of us would probably not want to return to childhood. The ebb and flow of adult life does grow on you, at least in that there are aspects of it that are not easily traded away, yet there are some aspects of being young, which it is common to want to have kept... And I just constructed a grammatic gargoyle, did I not?
Have you heard "Being Boring" by Pet Shop Boys? They have the right of it, I think...
Quote from: Pet Shop BoysNow I sit with different faces
in rented rooms and foreign places
All the people I was kissing
some are here and some are missing
in the nineteen-nineties
I never dreamt that I would get to be
the creature that I always meant to be
but I thought in spite of dreams
you'd be sitting somewhere here with me