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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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OldGit

Excellent, Amicale, but you missed that cling film stretched tightly across the toilet bowl will fool many adults, especially grannies.

Quote from: The Grey OneNow, who wants to learn how to make highly poisonous gases using household chemicals?

Ooh, yes please, me!

Asmodean

Ok... Let's start with something simple, shall we?

Bleach for chlorine compounds and some vinegar for the bubbly.  :D
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

Sweetdeath

I was only gonna comment on the superglue because i work with many different glues for costumes and know how to get each type off.  :P
Law 35- "You got to go with what works." - Robin Lefler

Wiggum:"You have that much faith in me, Homer?"
Homer:"No! Faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real."

"I was thinking that perhaps this thing called God does not exist. Because He cannot save any one of us. No matter how we pray, He doesn't mend our wounds.

OldGit

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an  Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
a German, an Indian, several  Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a  Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an
Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan,  a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a  Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a  Pole, a Lithuanian, a
Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman  Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an  Icelander, a Mexican, a
Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an  Israeli, a Venezuelan,
an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a  Syrian, a Brazilian,
a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a
Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an  Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a  Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a  Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a  Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a  Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a posh  restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

Asmodean

BANNED for discriminating against South Africans (among others)  >:(

Oh, wait..! Wrong thread.  >:(
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

OldGit

Banned for banning me in the wrong thread.

GO players will note that we now have a Ko, so His Greyness must expend a ko-threat before retaking, else I can fill it in.   ;D

Asmodean

D&D gamers will know what His Grayness means when he smites OG with a +172 Banhammer for 14422 damage and recaptures His derail.  >:(
Quote from: Ecurb Noselrub on July 25, 2013, 08:18:52 PM
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

OldGit


Amicale

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

jumbojak

^ I never saw the punchline coming, as I expected a Zippo to be thrown in the mix.  Or would a ronson be more appropriate for an Englishman? That was extremely well delivered either way.

"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

Guardian85

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Buddy

Strange but not a stranger<br /><br />I love my car more than I love most people.

joeactor

Great joke, though I heard it with a different punch line.
The guy has a tiny piano with a 1 foot high man that plays it perfectly.
(do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?)

Quote from: Amicale on February 07, 2013, 09:31:49 PM
An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

Amicale

LOL, Joe. Good punchline there, too.

OK, time for more grumpycat...



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan