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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Started by no_god_know_peace, November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

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Davin

Always question all authorities because the authority you don't question is the most dangerous... except me, never question me.

Sweetdeath

Law 35- "You got to go with what works." - Robin Lefler

Wiggum:"You have that much faith in me, Homer?"
Homer:"No! Faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real."

"I was thinking that perhaps this thing called God does not exist. Because He cannot save any one of us. No matter how we pray, He doesn't mend our wounds.

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

jumbojak

Quote from: Tank on December 23, 2012, 09:51:39 AM


This reminds me of one I heard a few years ago:

A cowboy is captured by Indians while he's out on the range and brought back to their camp. They take him into the chief's tent where he is infomed that he will be granted one wish each day for three days. After his final wish is granted, he will be staked out and a small campfire will be lit on his belly, so his death will be as painful as possible. The chief then asks what his first wish is.

"I'd like to see my horse replied the cowboy," so they take him outside where he whispers something in the horse's ear.

The horse gallops off into the distance and returns some hous later carrying a beautiful, naked blonde woman who hops off and runs into the cowboy's tent. Seeing this the chief can only shake his head at the captives stupidity.

The next morning, the chief again summons the cowboy and asks what his next wish will be. Again the cowboy asks to see his horse and again he whispers in it's ear before the horse takes off into the distance. Some hous later, the horse returns carrying a beautiful naked brunette who dashes into the cowboys tent. For the second time in two days the chief can only shake his head at the stupidity.

The next morning, the chief summons the cowboy for his final wish before his death and again the cowboy asks to see his horse. He is taken outside and whispers into the horse's ear, but just as the horse is about to run off he grabs it by the neck and loudly yells this time.

"I SAID POSSE, THAT'S P-O-S-S-E!"

"Amazing what chimney sweeping can teach us, no? Keep your fire hot and
your flue clean."  - Ecurb Noselrub

"I'd be incensed by your impudence were I not so impressed by your memory." - Siz

Tank

If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Amicale



"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

Sweetdeath

Law 35- "You got to go with what works." - Robin Lefler

Wiggum:"You have that much faith in me, Homer?"
Homer:"No! Faith is what you have in things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real."

"I was thinking that perhaps this thing called God does not exist. Because He cannot save any one of us. No matter how we pray, He doesn't mend our wounds.

Amicale

Quote from: Sweetdeath on December 28, 2012, 08:23:44 AM
Quote from: Amicale on December 28, 2012, 08:12:59 AM

SNOW?? :o

Indeed!

Where that was taken, or the circumstances, I don't know. It could have been packed around the door on purpose for a joke (I sure as hell hope that's the case); the alternative is that there was some kind of freaky avalanche, or that could be somewhere in Quebec, the Maritimes, or Nunavut easily enough!


"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb we are bound to others. By every crime and act of kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

"To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die." -Carl Sagan

OldGit

Dear Staff,

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that — prior to shining his/her glory all around — s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year's well publicized case, everyone is advised that EEOC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offense.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practiced in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.  Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

    Merry Christmas,

    Risk Management Department

william

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? Used to lay awake all night wondering there`s a dog.

OldGit


Icarus